


Semi-Automatic [UNFINISHED]

by damiensirius



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Body Dysphoria, Depression, Drug Abuse, Drug Use, Drug Withdrawal, Flashbacks, Gender Dysphoria, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Long-Distance Friendship, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Suicide Attempt, expect bad jokes, it is not i promise, texting fic, those tags make it sound terrifying, trans!remus, very very bad jokes, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-08
Updated: 2016-08-29
Packaged: 2018-05-05 17:02:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 38
Words: 158,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5383409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/damiensirius/pseuds/damiensirius
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wolfstar AU texting fic<br/>If you like (too many) terrible jokes, some angst and Remus being a sarcastic little shit you have to read this<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey  
> so once again I started a new fic instead of working on my other ones *sighs*  
> I'm really bad with regular updates so don't expect too much from me, okay?  
> Okay.  
> English isn't my first language so sorry for mistakes and feel free to point them out.

_**Sirius' texts are bold and italic** _

_Remus' texts are italic_

 

_November 25th_

_(8:28pm) Lily? Are you there?_

_(8:53pm) Please. I need to talk to you._

_(9:30pm) I’m sorry, but please text me back as soon as you can. I really need you right now._

_(9:35pm) Please._

**_(10:12pm) Uhm, sorry but I think you got the wrong number, mate. This isn’t Lily._ **

_(10:13pm) Fuck. I’m so sorry._

**_(10:15pm) No worries. Are you alright though? I’m not trying to be intrusive, but your messages sounded concerning._ **

_(10:16pm) No, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to bother you, don’t worry._

**_(10:20pm) Well, okay. But if you need someone you can text me, alright? I know we don’t know each other but I’ll gladly listen and try to help you as well as possible._ **

_(10:21pm) Thank you._

_November 26th_

_(1:57am) Are you there?_

**_(2:15am) I’m here._ **

_(2:17am) I’m really sorry to bother you but I still haven’t found Lily’s right number and there is no other way I can contact her and I don’t have anyone else._

**_(2:17am) It’s okay. Tell me what’s wrong._ **

**_(2:25am) Are you still there?_ **

**_(2:45am) I’m sorry if I’m bothering you but please just let me know if you’re alright._ **

**_(3:15am) I gotta leave now but my phone is staying on. Please message me._ **

_(4:30am) I’m sorry I worried you. I’m alright._

**_(5:02am) You’re back!!! What happened?_ **

_(5:05am) I’m sorry. But really, don’t worry about me, alright? I’m sorry I texted you yesterday, just forget about it._

**_(5:07am) Are you sure?_ **

_(5:07am) Yes._

**_(5:09am) Alright then. My offer still stands though._ **

**_~_ **

**_(6:45pm) m8 r u there_ **

_(6:47pm) Yeah…?_

**_(6:50pm) what’s up_ **

_(6:53pm) Nothing. Also, don’t get me wrong, but why are you messaging me?_

**_(6:55pm) my friend’s passed out drunk & i don’t like being alone and bored when i’m drunk also it’s a subtle way to check if you’re alright_ **

_(6:57pm) Not so subtle when you point it out. Anyway, what time’s it where you at?_

**_(7:00pm) ?????_ **

_(7:01pm) You live in England, don’t you? What time’s it over there?_

**_(7:02pm) u don’t live here? Wtf_ **

**_(7:02pm) why’d u text an english # tho_ **

_(7:04pm) My friend, Lily, moved to England recently. And her parents took her old phone and she must have accidentally given me the wrong number for the one she got instead and since she doesn’t have any internet access at the moment I can’t get her right one._

**_(7:05pm) that sucks, I’m sorrx_ **

_(7:06pm) It’s okay._

**_(7:07pm) okay… also it’s just past midnight_ **

_(7:08pm) Oh, alright._

**_(7:13pm) prongs just woke up again gotta blast_ **

_(7:15pm) Alright, have fun._

_~_

**_(9:35pm) small tip don’t chug half a bottle of a mixture of literally every sort of booze you had left just bc ur friend will give u ten bucks if u do it, it’s gonna make you puke for an hour and you will want to die afterwards_ **

_(9:40pm) Not that I planned on doing this, but thanks for the tip._

****

_November 27th_

**_(6:45am) Another tip, don’t let your mate convince you to empty his father’s liquor cabinet and drink all of it because you will wake up with the worst hangover imaginable and full of regret for annoying a poor stranger with your texts._ **

_(7:32am) Assuming the stranger you’re talking about is me, you didn’t annoy me. And as for your hangover, take some aspirin, drink a lot of water and sleep some more._

**_(8:46am) Couldn’t sleep anymore, painkillers, a lot of water and a shower helped too._ **

_(8:50am) That’s great._

**_(8:52am) Sorry again about last night. But you were the last person I had texted before we started drinking, so you had to suffer._ **

_(8:55am) It’s really no problem. Sounded like you had quite a night._

**_(8:56am) Oh yeah, definitely._ **

_(8:57am) I have one question though, if that’s okay._

**_(8:57am) Shoot._ **

_(8:58am) Prongs????_

**_(9:00am) It’s a nickname._ **

_(9:01am) How does one get a nickname like that?_

**_(9:02am) I don’t know, mate. We’re weird._ **

_(9:02am) Do you have one? A nickname?_

**_(9:04am) Yeah, mine’s Padfoot._ **

_(9:05am) Interesting._

**_(9:07am) Are you being sarcastic?_ **

_(9:08am) Me? Never._

**_(9:09am) …_ **

_(9:12am) No, I wasn’t. At least not when I said interesting. I was merely wondering how you got the ideas for those nicknames._

**_(9:12am) Merely_ **

_(9:14am) Yes, merely._

**_(9:14am) Who uses this word? In a text message?_ **

_(9:16am) I do._

**_(9:18am) How old are you?_ **

_(9:19am) I’m 17._

**_(9:20am) Smartass._ **

**_~_ **

**_(11:32am) Are you mad at me now?_ **

**_(11:33am) I was just joking._ **

**_(11:33am) You’re not a smartass._ **

_(11:56am) I’m not mad. I was busy._

**_(11:59am) Busy being a smartass?_ **

_(12:00pm) Seriously?!_

**_(12:01pm) Oh, yes I’m always serious._ **

**_(12:02pm) Get it?_ **

**_(12:02pm) Oh no, wait, you don’t._ **

_(12:03pm) ??? Is this supposed to be a joke? Because you’re right, I don’t get it._

**_(12:04pm) My name’s Sirius._ **

_(12:05pm) Oh my god._

**_(12:06pm) Get it now?_ **

_(12:07pm) Oh yeah, ha-ha. Very funny._

**_(12:08pm) Why u gotta be so rude? :’(_ **

**_(12:09pm) Don’t u kno I’m human 2? :’(_ **

_(12:09pm) You did not just do this._

_(12:10pm) We’re not talking anymore._

**_(12:11pm) :’(_ **

**_~_ **

**_(3:15pm) You’re not really mad, are you?_ **

_(3:18pm) Of course not. I’m not that sensitive._

**_(3:19pm) Good._ **

**_(3:25pm) So, what are you doing?_ **

_(3:30pm) Nothing, actually. You?_

**_(3:34pm) Waiting for Prongs to do his bloody homework. Why does he have to do this on a Saturday? Ugh._ **

_(3:35pm) Maybe do yours while you’re waiting?_

**_(3:37pm) Why do you assume I haven’t done mine? I mean you’re right, but I could’ve already finished it. I feel insulted._ **

_(3:40pm) After you quoted that song earlier I’m always going to expect the worst of you._

**_(3:43pm) You must really hate it._ **

_(3:44pm) I do._

**_(3:52pm) Alright then, Prongs is done, talk to you later._ **

_(3:55pm) Sure. Bye._

_~_

**_(10:27pm) r u there_ **

**_(10:30pm) guess who’s drunk again_ **

**_(10:35pm) pls don’t be asleep_ **

**_(10:37pm) is it even night where u r?_ **

**_(10:37pm) where do u live_ **

**_(10:38pm) prongs says he’s gonna take my phone away if i don’t stop texting so c u tmrw_ **

****

_November28th_

**_(12:14am) prongs hit his head and he was bleeding like crazy_ **

**_(12:15am) he’s okay now tho_ **

**_(12:15am) maybe we should stop drinking so much lol_ **

**_(12:25am) r u okay?_ **

**_(12:26am) i know u could be asleep bc i don’t know what time it is where u r but u haven’t texted me for hours_ **

**_(12:27am) just tell me ur timezone when ure back so i know when i don’t have to worry_ **

**_(12:28am) prongs is threatening to take my phone again_ **

**_~_ **

**_(6:21am) You’ve been the victim of my drunk texts again, I apologize._ **

**_(6:23am) But really, are you okay?_ **

**_~_ **

**_(4:12pm) I’m really trying to leave you in peace but it’s been a whole day since your last text and I do understand that you have your own life going on wherever you are and if you want me to stop texting you, that’s okay, but just tell me instead of letting me hang here because I’m really worried okay?_ **

**_~_ **

**_(5:24pm) For real, if you’re ignoring me without a reason, it’s a real dick move okay? I know we don’t know each other and you don’t owe me anything but I’m really worried. Maybe I’m overreacting, I probably am, but I have a really bad feeling about this silence from your side._ **

**_(5:25pm) Just let me know if you’re okay. I’ll leave you in peace afterwards, I promise._ **

****

_November 29th_

**_(2:30am) I have to leave for school now but I’ll leave my phone on in case you message me, okay?_ **

**_~_ **

**_(7:03am) I’m not going to stop pestering you until I get an answer, I don’t care if you think I’m annoying or pathetic or overreacting._ **

**_(7:04am) It’s been almost two days._ **

**_(7:05am) I really don’t know what to think of this._ **

**_~_ **

_(9:37am) Sirius, I’m really, really sorry. I never meant to worry you this much! Some bad stuff happened and I wasn’t feeling well and my phone died and I really had other things in mind. I’m so incredibly sorry._

_(9:38am) Also thank you for caring, it really means a lot to me._

_~_

**_(10:34am) Jesus_ **

**_(10:34am) Fucking_ **

**_(10:34am) Christ_ **

**_(10:35am) You’re back from the dead._ **

_(10:35am) I’m really sorry._

**_(10:36am) What happened?_ **

_(10:37am) You really don’t have to worry about me, I’m fine._

**_(10:38am) The more you say this, the less I believe you. If you don’t want me to know just tell me. But don’t think you’re being a burden or anything because I really don’t mind if you tell me about your problems._ **

_(10:39am) You sure?_

**_(10:40am) Yes._ **

_(10:45am) Well… I’ve had a lot of problems with my mental health since my childhood and generally I’ve gotten a lot better over the last two years, but lately I’ve had a lot of problems with my depression and anxiety and some other stuff and two days ago I had a really bad anxiety attack and I couldn’t help myself and I was home alone, so it kinda escalated and went on really long. When I finally managed to calm down I was really drained and I felt terrible and I needed time to recover from this, which is why I wasn't on my phone and didn't see your messages._

**_(10:49am) Oh my god_ **

**_(10:49am) I’m so sorry about this._ **

**_(10:50am) How are you feeling now? Can I do anything to help?_ **

_(10:52am) I went to therapy this morning and I’m better now, thank you. Also just knowing that you care already helps a lot._

**_(10:53am) Of course I care._ **

_(10:54am) That’s not as given as you think. There are people who’ve known me a lot longer than you, who wouldn’t notice if I disappeared for days._

**_(10:55am) Come on, I’m sure that’s not true._ **

_(10:55am) It is. It’s happened before._

**_(10:55am) They’re dicks._ **

_(10:57am) Anyway, how’s your friend’s head?_

**_(10:58am) Oh, Prongs is fine. It wasn’t half as bad as it seemed. Head wounds just bleed a lot._ **

_(11:00am) Got a lot of experiences?_

**_(11:00am) More than good probably. Prongs and me where never really careful._ **

_(11:01am) So, you two have been friends for long then?_

**_(11:01am) We met when we were 11 and we’ve been like brothers ever since. Especially after I moved in with his family when I was 14._ **

_(11:02am) That sounds great. Why did you move away from your home that early though?_

**_(11:03am) My parents kicked me out because apparently I’m a disgrace for the family and not good for anything and I would be better off dead._ **

_(11:03am) Please tell me they did not really say that?!_

**_(11:04am) Meh, it’s okay. I never really got along with my parents. I just miss my brother. But it’s for the best if I stay away from him._ **

_(11:04am) I’m really sorry about this._

**_(11:05am) It’s okay. The Potters are great. They’re so much more of a family than my ‘real one’ ever was._ **

_(11:05am) That’s good to hear._

**_(11:05am) So what’s your family like?_ **

_(11:06am) Well, it’s just me and my parents and there’s not really much to tell. They’re gone on business trips and whatnot most of the time, so ever since I’m too old for a nanny I’m virtually living alone._

**_(11:06am) Do you get along with them though? I mean, when they’re around?_ **

_(11:06am) Yeah, pretty much._

**_(11:07am) That’s good. – But now, where do you live? And what time’s it where you are?_ **

_(11:08am) I live in New York. And it’s 11:08am._

**_(11:08am) New York? Like, in the city?_ **

_(11:08am) Yes._

**_(11:08am) Woah, what’s that like?_ **

_(11:09am) Loud, mostly. Crowded._

**_(11:09am) You don’t like it?_ **

_(11:09am) On my good days, I do. Days like these when my anxiety is bothering me, not so much. Too many people, too much noise._

**_(11:09am) Oh, yeah I get that. I really want to visit New York one day though. Or just the USA in general._ **

_(11:10am) It’s not bad. I really don’t want to stay here for the rest of my life though. I’m probably gonna go after Lily to Brighton as soon as I can._

**_(11:10am) If you do that I can stalk you_ ** **_( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_ **

_(11:10am) What the fuck_

**_(11:10am)_ ** **_( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_ **

_(11:11am) Stop_

**_(11:11am)_** **_( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_**

_(11:12am) (_ _ง_ _͠° ͟͜ ͡°)_ _ง_

**_(11:14am) ( ͡°( ͡° ͜ʖ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°) ͡°)_ **

_(11:15am) (¬_¬)_

**_(11:16am) (▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿)_ **

_(11:18am)_ _ヽ_ _༼_ _ຈ_ _ل_ _͜_ _ຈ_ _༽_ _ﾉ_

**_(11:18am) What the fuck_ **

**_(11:18am) This is terrifying_ **

**_(11:18am) Why does this exist_ **

**_(11:18am) This will haunt me in my nightmares for the rest of my life_ **

**_(11:18am) Never will I be able to recover from the shock I got when I saw this terrifying monster_ **

_(11:19am) Bit of a drama queen, are we?_

**_(11:19am) Now you sound like Prongs. I’m not a drama queen, I’m expressional._ **

_(11:20am) *coughs* Drama queen_

**_(11:20am) Shut it_ **

_(11:20am) Drama queen_

**_(11:21am) I’ll tell mom you’re being mean to me_ **

_(11:21am) Drama queen_

**_(11:21am) My mom said she’s gonna call your mom and tell her what you did_ **

_(11:22am) Lmao what are we doing_

**_(11:22am) You started it!_ **

_(11:23am) That’s not true, you sent the first Lenny face_

**_(11:23am) Lenny face????? Wtf????_ **

_(11:23am) That’s what it’s called._

**_(11:24am) Literally nobody knows this._ **

_(11:24am) I do._

**_(11:25am) You’re weird._ **

_(11:24am) Thanks._

**_(11:25am) So, anyway, back to the subject we were on before you unjustly accused me of being a drama queen. What more’s there to know about you? A name, for example. You know both my real name and my nick name and I’ve still been referring to you as the guy who hates ‘Rude’ in my head._ **

_(11:25am) Alone the fact that you still did not let go of the subject proves that you’re the ultimate drama queen. Also my name’s Remus and I do in fact hate ‘Rude’ so you can keep referring to me as that if you want to._

**_(11:26am) Well, nice to meet you Remus-who-hates-Rude-and-really-needs-to-learn-what-drama-queen-means-before-accusing-people-of-being-one_ **

_(11:26am) Nice to meet you too, Sirius-Padfoot-absolute-biggest-drama-queen-on-this-planet_

**_(11:27am) I’m gonna fly to New York and kick your ass_ **

_(11:28am) Dramatic._

**_(11:29am) Oh my god._ **

**_(11:29am) Subject change. It’s like 11:30 at your place right? Shouldn’t you be in school or anything?_ **

_(11:31am) I don’t go to school right now. I barely managed to finished High School because of my disorders and then I was in a clinic for a few months so at the moment I’m not doing anything._

**_(11:31am) So you’re like just at home all day?_ **

_(11:31am) Pretty much. I have therapy three times a week and this month I started career counselling but to be honest sometimes I’m already overwhelmed with this. It’s stupid, I know._

**_(11:32am) It’s not stupid. You just need time, I’m sure you’ll get through this._ **

_(11:32am) Yeah, I hope so._

**_(11:35am) So I gotta go now, Prongs says I gotta go to the grocery store with him and Dad. I’ll text you later, okay?_ **

_(11:36am) Sure. Bye._

_~_

_(10:45pm) I think it’s like three am over there and you’re probably asleep but I just wanted to thank you for today. Not only for caring if I was okay, but also for afterwards. You really cheered me up a lot. Thank you._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lot of bad jokes and some drama

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize in advance for the jokes

_December 20 th_

_(10:34am) Oh my god Sirius I finally got Lily’s right number!!!! It’s been so long oh my god I’m so happy right now!!!!!_

**_(10:35am) Awesome!_ **

**_(10:36am) Though I am assuming since you have your friend back I won’t be needed anymore?_ **

_(10:37am) ????_

_(10:37am) What the fuck_

_(10:37am) Come on not even you are that stupid_

**_(10:38am) ‘Not even me’ now I’m also being insulted this is just terrible *sobs in corner*_ **

_(10:39am) Honestly, how do you not see what a drama queen you are?_

**_(10:39am) More insults! What a cruel person! Kick the man when he’s already lying on the ground._ **

_(10:40am) Please tell me again why I like you because I don’t remember_

**_(10:40am) You like me?_ **

_(10:41am) Sirius we’ve been texting back and forth for almost a month now even though we are in no way connected or have anything to do with each other. Why else would I do this if not because I like you?_

**_(10:42am) Because you didn’t have Lily’s number_ **

_(10:42am) I really can’t tell if you’re joking right now or not, but I really hope you are_

**_(10:43am) I mostly was, but thank you though. I like you too, you weirdo._ **

_(10:43am) Drama queen_

**_(10:44am) What was that for???_ **

_(10:45am) You called me a weirdo._

**_(10:46am) But you are one_ **

**_(10:46am) And I swear to go if your next message is ‘but you are a drama queen too’ I will take the next plane to New York and kick your ass_ **

_(10:47am) …_

_(10:47am) Fine._

**_(10:50am) Prongs says I gotta go help him buy some last-minute Christmas presents please rescue me._ **

_(10:51am) Come to New York and we can boycott it together._

**_(10:52am) You don’t like it either?_ **

_(10:53am) Not anymore. Lots of bad memories come up over the holidays, so I’m doing my best to ignore them._

**_(10:54am) Oh no. Are your parents gonna be home?_ **

_(10:54am) Not really. They’ll come back on the 22 nd but on the 24th they’re leaving for France._

**_(10:55am) Fuck. Do you think you’ll be alright?_ **

_(10:55am) Sure. I’ll get through it._

**_(10:55am) And if you’re not feeling well, you know you can message me anytime._ **

_(10:56am) Yes. Thank you, Sirius._

**_(10:58am) No problem. I gtg now though, Prongs is getting impatient._ **

_(10:58am) Bye, have fun._

**_(10:58am) Thanks._ **

****

_December 23 rd _

_(3:45am) are you there?_

_(3:47am) I think it’s early at your place so you’re probably not awake yet_

_(3:47am) Please text me when you wake up_

_(3:55am) Lily isn’t there either I don’t know what to do_

_(4:00am) Sirius I’m so sorry but please just wake up I need you right now_

_*unanswered call 4:01am*_

_*unanswered call 4:05am*_

**_(4:15am) hey, what’s wrong?_ **

**_(4:15am) Sorry, I was asleep_ **

**_(4:15am) What happened? Do you want me to call you?_ **

_(4:16am) No, I just wanted to try and wake you up_

_(4:16am) I can’t talk right now, texting is better_

**_(4:17am) Okay, tell me what’s wrong_ **

_(4:17am) My parents came back today_

_(4:17am) And I was trying to tell them how much worse I’ve been feeling lately and I asked them if it was possible that they stayed over the holidays, so I wouldn’t have to go through this alone_

_(4:17am) but they just ignored it_

_(4:18am) They don’t care, they don’t give a shit_

_(4:18am) I feel so horrible right now, it’s like 4am and I can’t stop crying and I’m shaking and I’m so anxious_

_(4:18am) I really don’t know what to do_

_(4:18am) nobody gives a shit about me_

**_(4:19am) Remus, I’m so sorry your parents acted like this_ **

**_(4:19am) This is so horrible of them_ **

**_(4:19am) If I had the money I would take the next plane and fly over_ **

**_(4:20am) I care about you okay?_ **

**_(4:20am) And Lily does too_ **

**_(4:20am) You can get through this alright?_ **

**_(4:20am) I’ll text you day and night and we can skype if you want to, you won’t be alone, I promise you. I’m here for you, okay?_ **

_(4:21am) thank you so much_

_(4:21am) I’m just so scared_

**_(4:22am) It’s gonna be okay_ **

**_(4:22am) I promise_ **

**_(4:22am) I’m here for you_ **

_(4:23am) Thank you so much Sirius_

**_(4:23am) Anytime. How are you now?_ **

_(4:24am) Slightly better. I’m gonna look if I have some of my sleeping pills left, hold on a moment_

**_(4:24am) Okay_ **

_(4:27am) I took one, so hopefully I’m gonna be able to sleep soon._

**_(4:28am) That’s good. If you need anything, I’m here._ **

_~_

_(12:27pm) Thank you so much for last night. I’m really sorry I bothered you but I really didn’t know what to do and I just panicked…_

**_(12:29pm) No reason to apologize. I’m glad you reached out and let me help you, alright? Never hesitate to do so._ **

**_(12:29pm) How are you now though? Do you feel better?_ **

_(12:30pm) More or less._

**_(12:31pm) You wanna talk about it?_ **

_(12:32pm) No, it’s alright._

**_(12:32pm) You sure?_ **

_(12:33pm) Yeah_

_~_

_(3:26pm) You there?_

**_(3:27pm) Yeah, what’s up?_ **

_(3:27pm) I’m on the bus and it’s really full_

_(3:27pm) I just need some distraction_

**_(3:28pm) Oh I’m good at that_ **

**_(3:28pm) Knock, knock_ **

_(3:29pm) … really?_

**_(3:29pm) Knock, knock_ **

_(3:30pm) *very long, very dramatic sigh*_

_(3:30pm) Who’s there?_

**_(3:30pm) Annie_ **

_(3:31pm)… Annie who_

**_(3:31pm) Annie…thing you can do I can do better_ **

_(3:31pm) This was so much worse than I thought it would be_

**_(3:32pm) Shut up I’m hilarious_ **

_(3:32pm) Compared to your jokes, I think the crowded bus is actually the better option_

**_(3:32pm) #r00d_ **

_(3:33pm) #stopsiriusfrommakingbadjokes2k14_

**_(3:34pm) #siriusisonhiswaytonewyorktokicksomerudeblokesbutt_ **

_(3:34pm) #canwestophashtaggingnow_

**_(3:34pm) #never_ **

_(3:34pm) #ourfriendshipisover_

**_(3:34pm) #no_ **

_(3:35pm) Seriously, stop_

**_(3:35pm) Did you mean… siriusly_ **

_(3:36pm) No_

**_(3:36pm) Yes, you did_ **

_(3:36pm) *prays that my stop comes soon so won’t have to put up with your jokes anymore*_

**_(3:37pm) *prays that Remus’ bus has a delay and he is trapped in there for hours with nothing else to do than laugh at my amazing jokes*_ **

_(3:37pm) I don’t even know how to respond anymore_

**_(3:38pm) Okay I’ll make it easier for you_ **

**_(3:38pm) Knock, knock_ **

_(3:38pm) No_

**_(3:38pm) Knock, knock_ **

_(3:39pm) Nobody’s home, go away_

**_(3:39pm) *rings doorbell 47 times while aggressively knocking*_ **

_(3:40pm) fine. Who’s there?_

**_(3:40pm) Go to the door and check for urself u lazy ass_ **

_(3:41pm) Did you even try_

**_(3:41pm) You wanna say I’m not funny :’(_ **

_(3:41pm) I wanna say your jokes are terrible_

**_(3:42pm) But are they funny_ **

_(3:43pm) Probably not. But my humour is so fucked up that I laugh at most of them though_

_(3:43pm) Also I’m at my stop now_

_(3:44pm) I have some stuff to do but I’ll text you later_

**_(3:44pm) Okay, bye. Let me know if you wanna hear some more jokes_ **

_~_

_(11:57pm) are tou awale_

_(11:57pm) siriud_

_*unanswered call 11:58pm*_

_(11:59pm) wakru p_

_(12:00am) cnon_

**_(12:13am) Are you drunk?_ **

_(12:14am) ni_

_(12:14am) np_

_(12:14am) no_

**_(12:15am) I’m having troubles believing this_ **

_(12:16am) I’m not deunk_

_(12:16am) I’m hifg tho_

**_(12:16am) Please tell me you just smoked some weed_ **

_(12:17am) …_

**_(12:17am) Remus what the fuck did you take?_ **

_(12:18am) chill_

_(12:18am) jsut some xtc_

**_(12:19am) Jesus Christ Remus_ **

**_(12:19am) How much did you take? You can’t even type properly. Are you okay?_ **

_(12:20am) I’m greay_

_(12:20am) I havwnt felt thsi good in months_

**_(12:22am) I just googled a little and it says you should drink a lot because your body temperature rises. Go get some water._ **

_(12:24am) I ddi_

**_(12:24am) Good. Keep drinking okay? And for god’s sake, be careful_ **

_(12:25am) I am_

**_(12:26am) Are you sure you’re alright_ **

_(12:28am) Yes. Its nto bad Sirius its relaly great blieve me I feel so good_

**_(12:28am) That’s great, Remus. I’m worried though. You shouldn’t do this_ **

_(12:29am) Its rlly graet tho I feel so good_

_(12:29am) I like u a lot sirius u know taht righy_

**_(12:30am) I do, Remus. I like you a lot too, yeah?_ **

_(12:31am) okya_

_(12:32am) even tho I dont know why_

**_(12:33am) You’re a great guy, Remus. Even though you sometimes do stupid things. Like this. Why did you take it?_ **

_(12:34am) bc it feels good adn I wanted ro feel good for once_

_(12:34am) I had a rlly bad dax_

**_(12:35am) Why didn’t you tell me?_ **

_(12:36am) bc I ddnt want to annyo you_

**_(12:37am) You don’t annoy me, Remus. I want to be here for you. Do you want to tell me what happened?_ **

**_(12:37am) or maybe not because I read that people on ecstasy tend to share a lot more than they would sober and I don’t want you to tell me something you wouldn’t want me to know_ **

_(12:38am) you wouldnt tell anuone would uou_

**_(12:28am) Of course not_ **

_(12:39am) not that theer even is someone u could tell bc I don know anyone_

_(12:40am) but my parents were aful roday_

**_(12:41am) What did they do?_ **

_(12:42am) I tried to talk to them again about what iw anted to tell them yestredat but they kept ignoring me and they were too busy planning their trip to frnace tomorrow_

**_(12:42am) I’m so sorry_ **

_(12:43am) also I’m rlly moody and senstiive bc I’m getring my perion soon and I’m having horrible cramps_

**_(12:43am) wait what_ **

_(12:44am) ??_

**_(12:44am) I thought you were a guy_ **

_(12:44am) I am_

**_(12:45am) Okay I’m really not trying to be rude or anything, I honestly don’t understand. Why and how do you get your period when you’re a guy_ **

_(12:46am) I’m trans_

**_(12:47am) oh_ **

**_(12:47am) okay_ **

_(12:48am) do u think i’m weird nw_

**_(12:49am) Of course not, Remus!_ **

**_(12:50am) I’ve just never met someone who was trans before, so it took me a little by surprise_ **

_(12:50am) I’m sorry_

**_(12:51am) There’s no need to apologize, Remus._ **

_(12:51am) do u thikn that I’m not rlly a guy now_

**_(12:51am) Why would I think that?_ **

_(12:52am) bc I dont look like one adn I dont sound like one and I donr have the rifht body_

**_(12:53am) Those things don’t define if you’re a boy or a girl, alright? If you say you’re a boy then you are one._ **

_(12:53am) do u rlly think so_

**_(12:53am) Yes_ **

_(12:54am) thank u sirius_

**_(12:54am) Nothing to thank me for._ **

_(12:58am) Lily is awke now I’m gonna call her_

_(12:58am) ill text u latr_

**_(12:58am) Alright. Take care of yourself and don’t forget to drink enough!_ **

_December 24 th_

_(5:40am) Hey_

**_(5:43am) Hey, how are you doing?_ **

_(5:44am) I’m good. It’s almost completely worn off now_

_(5:44am) I’m sorry I spammed you last night_

**_(5:45am) Don’t worry about it, I spammed you too when I was drunk_ **

_(5:45am) Can I ask you something?_

**_(5:45am) Of course_ **

_(5:46am) Are you mad at me because I got high yesterday?_

**_(5:46am) No. Frankly, I wish you hadn’t done it, but I’m not mad at you._ **

_(5:47am) And you really don’t have a problem with me being trans?_

**_(5:47am) Of course not._ **

_(5:48am) Thank you. I’m gonna go to sleep now, I’ll text you when I wake up, alright?_

**_(5:48am) Yes. Sleep well._ **

_(5:48am) Thanks._

_~_

**_(7:53am) You’re probably still asleep but I just wanted to let you know that Prongs just showed up with a bloody life-size reindeer figure and put it in the living room and he insists on keeping it there so I’m taking the next plane to New York and come to your place okay this is not normal_ **

**_(8:03am) Update:  He is currently decorating it with fairy lights and tinsel I am worried about his sanity_ **

**_(8:08am) Update: Wormtail showed up and he likes it too._ **

**_(8:20am) Update: parents came home and they’re gonna let him keep it_ **

**_(8:21am) Update: Its eyes are creeping me out_ **

**_(8:23am) Update: This is the first time in my life that I am the normal person in the room and I don’t like it_ **

**_~_ **

_(12:34pm) Did he name it?_

**_(12:37pm) ????_ **

_(12:38pm) The reindeer. Did he give it a name?_

**_(12:39pm) I tell you my friend brings home a life-size reindeer figure and it’s currently standing in our living room watching me with its eyes of doom and the only thing that concerns you about it is what it’s called?_ **

_(12:39pm) Yes_

**_(12:40pm) You know what never mind what I said about coming to your place, you’re just as weird as the other ones here_ **

**_(12:40pm) Also so far we’ve just been referring to it as Prongs 2.0_ **

_(12:41pm) Cool_

**_(12:41pm) Not cool_ **

_(12:41pm) Also who the fuck is Wormtail_

**_(12:42pm) A friend_ **

_(12:42pm) Padfoot, Wormtail and Prongs? Are you guys okay?_

**_(12:43pm) Any other day and I would say yes without hesitation, but considering Prongs 2.0 with its eyes of doom is staring at me as I’m typing this, I am not so sure about it_ **

_(12:43pm) Eyes of doom? Really?_

**_(12:43pm) They’re creepy as fuck, okay? They’re staring right into my soul and Prongs 2.0 can see all my deepest fears and secrets and it will use them against me and kill me because it knows I don’t like it_ **

_(12:44pm) Do you honestly not see what a drama queen you are_

**_(12:45pm) …_ **

**_(12:45pm) Maybe I’m a little dramatic_ **

**_(12:45pm) But only when it’s absolutely necessary_ **

_(12:46pm) Sure, if believing that makes you feel better_

**_(12:47pm) You can be a real asshole sometimes, do you know that?_ **

_(12:47pm) Yes_

**_(12:47pm) Good_ **

**_(12:47pm) Doesn’t mean I don’t like you though_ **

**_(12:47pm) Because most of the time you’re a sarcastic asshole and I like sarcasm_ **

_(12:48pm) Thank you, I guess_

**_(12:48pm) Prongs feels neglected, he says if I don’t stop texting he’s gonna put Prongs 2.0 in our bedroom I can’t risk this_ **

_(12:49pm) Alright, bye_

**_(12:49pm) I’ll be back as soon as I can without risking Prongs 2.0 killing me in my sleep_ **

_~_

_(2:45pm) My parents left now so I’m alone again ugh_

_(2:45pm) Wanna know what they said when I literally begged them to stay with me because I was scared of what I would do to myself if I had to be alone over the holidays?_

_(2:45pm) ‘Talk to your therapist about this’_

_(2:45pm) And then they just left_

_(2:45pm) I may or may not have broken a 2000$ vase because I was angry_

_(2:45pm) Also I just bought a shitload of stuff that they can pay for_

_(2:45pm) And I ordered the most expensive food I could find_

_(2:45pm) If they don’t want to take care of me at least they can have something to do paying my credit card bill_

_(2:46pm) Not that a few hundred dollar are a big deal for them ugh_

_(2:46pm) I should have bought a car_

_(2:46pm) But then again I can’t drive so what for_

**_(2:50pm) Your parents sound like dicks_ **

**_(2:50pm) Also good job about the vase_ **

**_(2:50pm) And what stuff did you buy?_ **

_(2:51pm) Nothing interesting, clothes, books, movies_

**_(2:51pm) How much did it cost_ **

_(2:52pm) 489$_

**_(2:52pm) Oh my god_ **

**_(2:52pm) Can’t you give me that money_ **

_(2:53pm) You can have it if I get a family who cares about me_

**_(2:53pm) Come to England and move in with us_ **

_(2:53pm) I wish_

**_(2:54pm) I’ll come and get you_ **

**_(2:54pm) If Prongs 2.0 is allowed to stay, I’m sure you are too_ **

**_(2:54pm) Unless you have eyes of doom_ **

**_(2:54pm) Do you have eyes of doom?_ **

_(2:55pm) I’m pretty sure I do not have eyes of doom_

**_(2:55pm) Good. Then you can stay_ **

**_(2:55pm) I warn you though, Prongs farts in his sleep_ **

_(2:56pm) Thanks for the warning, I’ll be prepared_

_(2:57pm) Anyway, my food is here now, I’ll talk to you later_

**_(2:58pm) Okay, enjoy your meal_ **

_~_

_December 25th_

**_(5:21am) Merry Christmas Remus_ **

**_(5:21am) I know you don’t like it but I hope you have a great day though, okay?_ **

**_(5:21am) And if you’re not feeling well or need someone to talk or anything else, I’m here for you, alright?_ **

**_(5:22am) You’re not gonna annoy or bother me, so don’t hesitate to text me_ **

_~_

**_(8:34am) I officially hate Prongs now_ **

**_(8:34am) He got me a ‘Dream Dazzlers Hair Party Bucket’ for Christmas_ **

**_(8:34am) And he is currently busy fitting 200 pieces of hair bands, hair clips and bobby pins in my hair_ **

**_(8:34am) All of it in various shades of pink, purple and blue and very glittery_ **

**_(8:34am) If you don’t hear from me anymore, I’m in prison for murder_ **

**_~_ **

**_(10:43am) Fun fact: it takes exactly forty-seven minutes to get 200 hair clips and whatnot out of your hair and you will end up nearly bald_ **

**_~_ **

**_(3:24pm) If I’m correct it’s like 3pm at your place and I still haven’t heard from you all day. Are you alright?_ **

****

_December 26 th_

**_(4:02am) I’m so sorry I didn’t message you again last night, but we went out and my phone died and I was really tired when we got back so I went straight to sleep_ **

**_(4:02am) I hope you’re okay, please message me, yeah?_ **

**_~_ **

**_(7:54am) Remus please message me!!_ **

**_(7:54am) Maybe I’m being paranoid but after what happened last time you didn’t answer, I’m really worried_ **

**_(7:54am) Just message me as soon as you see this._ **

**_(7:54am) I’m here for you, okay? I promise everything’s gonna be alright._ **

**_~_ **

**_*unanswered call 12:47pm*_ **

**_~_ **

**_*unanswered call 1:26pm*_ **

**_(1:28pm) Dammit, Remus_ **

**_~_ **

**_(2:57pm) IT’S BEEN EXACTLY TWO DAYS SINCE YOUR LAST MESSAGE OKAY_ **

**_(2:57pm) AND YES I’M SHOUTING_ **

**_(2:57pm) I’M REALLY WORRIED OKAY JUST PLEASE BE OKAY_ **

****

_December 27 th_

**_(4:24am) Remus I swear to everything holy if I don’t hear from you today I will come to New York and find you_ **

**_(4:24am) I’m really fucking worried okay_ **

**_~_ **

**_(5:41am) Flights to New York are bloody expensive but I will swim over if I have to_ **

**_(5:42am) Message me!!!!!!_ **

**_~_ **

**(8:12am) Remus, this is Prongs. I got your number from Sirius. I don’t know what’s going on, but he’s really worried about you so if you are reading this, just let one of us know if you’re okay. You don’t have to explain anything, but please text one of us back.**

**~**

**_(11:13am) Please don’t be mad that I told Prongs okay? I didn’t tell him any details I just said that I’m worried about you because you’re not texting back._ **

**_~_ **

**_*unanswered call 1:14pm*_ **

**_~_ **

***unanswered call 2:48pm***

**~**

**_(10:47pm) It’s almost four am here and I can’t sleep because I’m really worried about you. I’m not telling you this to make you feel guilty, but I really don’t know what to do. I know we don’t know us that long but you’re really important to me, okay? Please please please just be alright._ **


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I added two new tags that I forgot earlier (Implied/Referenced Self Harm and Flashbacks (also implied/referenced)) so if those things (or any of the other things that I tagged) are triggering for you please be careful okay

_December 28 th_

_(7:12am) I fucked up_

_(7:12am) Sirius I fucked up really badly_

_(7:12am) I’m so sorry okay I’m really sorry_

_(7:12am) I fucked up oh my god_

**_(7:14am) REMUS_ **

**_(7:14am) HOLY MOTHER_ **

**_(7:14am) WHAT HAPPENED WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN OH MY GOD_ **

_(7:15am) I’m so incredibly sorry okay_

_(7:15am) I fucked up big time_

_(7:15am) I’m so fucked Sirius oh god_

**_(7:16am) Tell me what happened_ **

_(7:17am) Don’t be mad okay?_

**_(7:17am) I won’t. I promise_ **

_(7:20am) Shit. Okay. I told you the holidays were bad for me because a lot of bad memories come up. But I thought I was fine, you know. I really thought it was gonna be okay this time because I knew I had you and Lily if I needed to talk. But then I was watching TV and something came on that triggered a flashback and I got a panic attack and I fucked up okay I fucked up big time. I self-harmed and it’s really fucking bad okay I think I should have gone to see a doctor but I was really fucking anxious and I couldn’t leave the house and I couldn’t call anyone. I took care of it as good as I could. But I was in so much pain and I felt really really horrible and the flashbacks kept coming again and again and I just wanted to stop thinking so I took some Xanax and some other stuff I had around. I barely remember anything from the last two days. I have to go to therapy tomorrow but if I tell her what happened my parents are going to kill me and then put me back in the clinic_

_(7:20am) I don’t want to go back there Sirius I can’t go through this a second time_

_(7:20am) I don’t know what to do_

_(7:21am) I’m so sorry okay I’m terrible_

**_(7:22am) Shit_ **

**_(7:22am) Remus please go see a doctor okay? And please tell your therapist even if you are scared. You need help, okay? Please get it. I’m really sorry this happened to you and I wish I could have been there. Please take care of yourself, yeah?_ **

**_(7:23am) Is there anything I can do? ANYTHING_ **

**_(7:23am) I really want to help you_ **

_(7:23am) I don’t know_

_(7:24am) I can’t tell my therapist Sirius_

_(7:24am) What if they put me back in the clinic_

**_(7:25am) Was it really that bad there?_ **

_(7:25am) It wasn’t necessarily bad, but it’s really demanding and exhausting and I really can’t do this._

_(7:25am) And if anyone finds out I started doing drugs again I’m dead_

_(7:26am) Fuck_

_(7:26am) I’m so sorry for pulling you into this Sirius_

_(7:26am) I think I shouldn’t message you anymore I bring nothing but trouble_

**_(7:27am) NO_ **

**_(7:27am) Don’t say that_ **

**_(7:27am) I’m not gonna let you stop messaging me_ **

**_(7:27am) You’re my friend and I’m gonna help you as good as I can_ **

**_(7:28am) You won’t get rid of me_ **

_(7:29am) You really don’t have to do this, Sirius._

_(7:29am) I’m not a person anyone wants to have in their life and I know that. It’s okay._

**_(7:29am) You shut up right now_ **

**_(7:30am) You’re my friend and I’m with you and I’m gonna stay with you_ **

_(7:31am) But if you change your mind just tell me_

**_(7:32am) That’s not gonna happen_ **

_(7:32am) Sirius…_

**_(7:32am) Fine. Sure. Whatever you want. I promise_ **

_(7:33am) Thank you._

**_(7:34am) So are you gonna see a doctor now?_ **

_(7:35am) No_

_(7:35am) It’s not that bad._

**_(7:36am) Remus, please_ **

_(7:37am) Really. I took proper care of it now and it’s gonna heal just fine. I know what I’m doing, okay? I got a sickening amount of experience with this shit_

**_(7:38am) Alright. How are you feeling apart from that?_ **

_(7:40am) Tired. Afraid. Sick._

**_(7:40am) When’s the last time you ate or drank something?_ **

_(7:41am) I did drink a lot of water this morning, but I can’t keep any food down right now, so that’s gonna have to wait._

**_(7:42am) Okay. Just try again when you’re feeling better. And get some sleep, yeah?_ **

_(7:42am) Alright, I’ll try to. I’ll text you again later._

**_(7:43am) Sleep well. And text me as soon as you wake up, okay?_ **

_(7:44am) I promise_

_~_

**_(8:16am) Also btw Prongs says he hopes you feel better soon (I just told him you were having some problems right now, hope that is okay)_ **

_~_

_(4:21pm) I’m back. Slept surprisingly well._

_(4:21pm) Tell Prongs I said thank you_

_(4:24pm) Also I just read your messages again and I’m very disappointed I didn’t get a picture of your hair_

**_(4:27pm) Never_ **

**_(4:27pm) Never ever will anyone see me like this again_ **

**_(4:27pm) Prongs tried to take pictures and I nearly broke his phone_ **

_(4:28pm) Are you afraid it would ruin your reputation?_

**_(4:29pm) Yes._ **

**_(4:29pm) Glittery pink is not punk rock_ **

_(4:30pm) Oh so you’re punk rock_

**_(4:30pm) Yes_ **

**_(4:30pm) As is everything I do, say and wear_ **

_(4:31pm) For example being afraid of a reindeer figure?_

**_(4:32pm) It has eyes of doom okay_ **

_(4:32pm) And knock, knock jokes?_

**_(4:33pm) Only if they’re funny_ **

_(4:34pm) But yours aren’t_

**_(4:35pm) *gasp*_ **

**_(4:35pm) I can’t believe you just said that_ **

**_(4:35pm) You insult my jokes_ **

**_(4:35pm) How dare you_ **

_(4:36pm) Drama queens are also punk rock?_

_(4:36pm) I think I misunderstood the meaning of punk rock my whole life_

_(4:36pm) But now that I know what it really means, I think my grandma is punk rock too_

_(4:37pm) She loves jokes and she’s always very dramatic too_

**_(4:38pm) Oh my god_ **

_(4:39pm) I can give you her number_

_(4:39pm) You two could form a punk rock club_

**_(4:40pm) I’m not talking to you anymore_ **

_(4:40pm) She could knit matching sweaters for you two_

_(4:40pm) With a logo_

_(4:41pm) So everyone would know you’re a punk rock club_

**_(4:42pm) I don’t have words for how badly I want to strangle you right now_ **

_(4:42pm) If you come over to strangle me you can use the opportunity and meet my grandma, she lives nearby_

**_(4:43pm) Shut up_ **

_(4:43pm) Do you want me to create the logo for your punk rock club_

**_(4:44pm) I want you to shut up_ **

**_(4:44pm) You’re the worst_ **

_(4:45pm) Now I feel insulted_

_(4:45pm) I just wanted to help you find other punk rock people_

_(4:45pm) :’(_

**_(4:46pm) I’m done talking to you_ **

_(4:46pm) :’(_

_December 29 th_

**_(03:11am) Prongs, Wormtail and me are going to Birmingham today so sorry if I don’t text much. You text me anytime if you need me though, okay? Hope therapy goes well! Please tell them about what happened. You can do this okay?_ **

_~_

_(7:50am) Hope you have a fun time with your friends!_

_~_

_(9:20am) I just finished therapy_

_(9:20am) It went okay, I’ll tell you later about it though, I’m really exhausted right now._

_~_

**_(3:20pm) We just got back home_ **

**_(3:20pm) I’m glad therapy went well. How are you now?_ **

_(3:21pm) Did you have a nice day? And I’m alright. I slept some more when I got home._

**_(3:21pm) It was great._ **

**_(3:21pm) What did they say? Do you have to go back to the clinic?_ **

_(3:22pm) No. I didn’t tell her I took drugs. But I told her everything else._

**_(3:22pm) Are you sure it’s good idea to keep this secret?_ **

_(3:23pm) Yes. She would just make a huge deal about it._

**_(3:23pm) …_ **

**_(3:23pm) It is a big deal_ **

**_(3:23pm) It’s not good for you_ **

_(3:24pm) Shut up_

_(3:24pm) You have no fucking idea what’s going on with me okay_

_(3:24pm) Believe me, drugs are my smallest problem_

**_(3:25pm) Okay, hey, I’m sorry okay? I’m just worried_ **

**_(3:32pm) Remus? Please don’t be mad, okay? I didn’t want to upset you._ **

_~_

_(5:14pm) Ugh I’m sorry okay_

_(5:14pm) I’m really moody right now_

_(5:14pm) I know you only wanted to help_

**_(5:16pm) It’s okay. I’m glad you’re not angry_ **

_(5:16pm) Of course not. And I’m sorry I snapped okay? It’s a shitty time right now._

**_(5:17pm) It’s okay. Don’t worry about it._ **

****

_December 30 th_

**_(5:14am) Remus_ **

**_(5:14am) Hey_ **

**_(5:14am) Wake up_ **

**_(5:14am) hey Remus_ **

**_(5:14am) hEy_ **

**_(5:15am) rEmUs gEt uP_ **

_(5:15am) For Christ’s sake Sirius it’s 5am you better have a good reason for turning my phone into a vibrator_

**_(5:15am) I do_ **

_(5:15am) What_

**_(5:15am) Did you hear about that movie ‘Constipation’?_ **

_(5:16am) Wtf_

_(5:16am) no_

**_(5:17am) That’s because it hasn’t come out yet_ **

**_(5:17am) get it?_ **

_(5:17am) Oh my god_

_(5:17am) You did NOT just wake me up at 5 am to tell me a fucking joke_

_(5:17am) a fucking HORRIBLE JOKE_

_(5:17am) SIRIUS I’M GOING TO KILL YOU_

**_(5:18am) Come on, it’s really funny_ **

_(5:19am) I AM NOT TALKING TO YOU_

_(5:19am) YOU ARE THE WORST_

**_(5:20am) You laughed. Admit it. It’s funny_ **

_(5:21am) FUCK OFF_

**_(5:21am) Rude._ **

**_(5:21am) We both know you laughed, Remus_ **

**_(5:22am) Admit it_ **

**_(5:22am) I’m funny_ **

**_(5:25am) Did you go back to sleep?_ **

**_(5:27am) I got more jokes_ **

**_(5:27am) Wake up_ **

**_(5:28am) I’m just gonna wait here_ **

**_(5:28am) And collect more jokes to tell you_ **

**** _~_

**_(10:24am) Are you awake yet?_ **

_(10:26am) No. Fuck off._

**_(10:27am) What does Batman put in his drink?_ **

_(10:27am) Your throat after I ripped it out_

**_(10:28am) No…_ **

**_(10:28am) Just ice._ **

**_(10:30am) Get it_ **

**_(10:33am) It’s funny admit it_ **

_(10:35am) I haven’t even had my coffee yet so kindly fuck off_

**_(10:36am) You’re very rude when you’re tired_ **

**_(10:36am) I like it_ **

**_(10:36am) It’s adorable_ **

**_(10:37am) You’re like grumpy cat_ **

_(10:38am) Oh my god Sirius shut up_

**_(11:00am) Are you done with your coffee?_ **

_(11:01am) … yes_

**_(11:01am) Wanna hear another joke?_ **

_(11:02am) I really don’t._

**_(11:02am) But this one is funny, I swear. Prongs told it to me_ **

_(11:03am) Jesus Christ. Fine. Tell me._

**_(11:03am) Do you need an ark?_ **

**_(11:03am) Because I Noah guy_ **

_(11:04am) Can you please tell Prongs that I hate him_

_(11:04am) If this is his definition of a good joke then no wonder you think you’re funny_

**_(11:05am) Shut up I’m hilarious_ **

_(11:06am) Sure_

_(11:06am) I’m gonna go take a shower now. I’ll text you later okay?_

**_(11:07am) Wait a moment_ **

**_(11:07am) You’re not angry because I woke you up, are you?_ **

_(11:08am) No. But if you do it again I will kill you_

**_(11:09am) Alright. Talk to you later_ **

_(11:09am) Bye_

_~_

**_(1:12pm) Can you please admit that you laughed at least at one of my jokes because Prongs doesn’t believe me_ **

_(1:12pm) Will it lead to more jokes?_

**_(1:12pm) Your answer has no influence on the amount of jokes I will tell you_ **

_(1:13pm) Yes. I did laugh_

_(1:13pm) And then I cried_

**_(1:13pm) Of laughter?_ **

_(1:14pm) Of disbelief that someone would tell those jokes_

**_(1:14pm) They’re funny_ **

_(1:14pm) Sure_

**_(1:15pm) Jokes aside, how are you doing?_ **

_(1:16pm) Meh. I got horrible cramps and it makes me feel dysphoric. But I’ll be fine._

**_(1:17pm) I’m sorry about that. Can I do anything to help? Maybe a joke could cheer you up?_ **

_(1:18pm) NO_

**_(1:18pm) ok :(_ **

**_(1:18pm) For real though, if I can do anything to help let me know, okay?_ **

_(1:18pm) I will. Thank you._

_~_

_(8:24pm) Sirius please tell me you’re still awake_

_(8:24pm) You won’t believe me what just happened_

**_(8:25pm) What’s up?_ **

_(8:25pm) I told my therapist about how my parents reacted when I asked them to stay here and she said she would write them an e-mail and tell them that I really need their support right now_

_(8:26pm) And apparently they just read it. You won’t believe what they sent me back_

**_(8:27pm) What_ **

_(8:27pm) They asked me to ‘please not take familial stuff to my therapist as this does not affect anyone but us’_

**_(8:28pm) What the fuck_ **

**_(8:28pm) Do they know what a therapist is or…?_ **

_(8:29pm) I really don’t get what’s going on with them lately_

_(8:29pm) They used to be so supportive_

_(8:29pm) I don’t know what happened_

**_(8:30pm) I’m really sorry about that. I hope it will get better soon._ **

_(8:31pm) Thank you._

_(8:31pm) Anyway, I think it’s really late at your place, I didn’t want to keep you up_

**_(8:32pm) It’s okay, I wasn’t planning on going to sleep yet anyway. What are you doing?_ **

_(8:33pm) Just reading. Hbu?_

**_(8:34pm) Watching TV, but nothing good is on. What are you reading?_ **

_(8:34pm) Wuthering Heights_

**_(8:35pm) Really?!_ **

_(8:36pm) Yes_

**_(8:36pm) I had to read it for school and I nearly died. I gave up after three chapters and flunked the test_ **

_(8:37pm) I like it_

**_(8:38pm) Well, you do you, Remus._ **

**_(8:38pm) I’m gonna let you read now. Talk to you tomorrow. Goodnight_ **

_(8:39pm) Goodnight_

_December 31 st _

**_(7:00pm) HAPPY NEW YEAR REMUS_ **

_(7:00pm) Sirius it’s not midnight here_

**_(7:01pm) BUT HERE IT IS_ **

**_(7:01pm) I’M TEXTING YOU FROM 2015_ **

**_(7:02pm) I ALREADY KNOW THAT THIS YEAR IS GONNA BE GREAT_ **

_(7:04pm) That’s great_

**_(7:05pm) I PROMISE YOU REMUS, OKAY? THIS YEAR WILL BE AWESOME_ **

_~_

_(12:00am) Happy New Year, Sirius_

**_(12:01am) WELCOME TO 2015_ **

**_(12:01am) IT’S GONNA BE AWESOME_ **

_(12:03am) You’re very optimistic_

**_(12:04am) YES BECAUSE 2015 WILL BE AWESOME_ **

**_(12:04am) JUST TRUST ME IN THIS REMUS_ **

**_(12:04am) IT’S GONNA BE GREAT OKAY?_ **

_(12:05am) Okay. I trust you_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you think the jokes in this chapter were bad wait for the next one


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's not that long, I apologize  
> On the other hand though I uploaded four chapters in four days which is incredible for me

_January 18 th_

_(4:12pm) My parents are gonna be back in 20 minutes please rescue me_

**_(4:13pm) Hide in your closet_ **

_(4:13pm) I’ve been in there for 16 years of my life I won’t go back_

**_(4:14pm) REMUS JULIO RICARDO MONTOYA DE LA ROSA RAMIREZ_ **

_(4:14pm) what the fuck_

**_(4:14pm) DID YOU JUST MAKE A PUN_ **

**_(4:14pm) A COMING OUT PUN_ **

**_(4:14pm) I WILL MARK THIS DAY IN MY CALENDAR_ **

**_(4:15pm) THE DAY REMUS MADE A PUN_ **

_(4:16pm) Alright calm down_

**_(4:17pm) AFTER MILLENNIUMS OF SHAMING ME FOR MAKING PUNS_ **

**_(4:18pm) REMUS MAKES A PUN HIMSELF_ **

**_(4:18pm) HYPOCRITE_ **

_(4:18pm) I don’t shame you for making puns, I shame you for making bad puns_

_(4:18pm) Also we don’t even know each other for two months so shut up about millenniums_

**_(4:19pm) I HAVE TO TELL PRONGS_ **

**_(4:19pm) I TAUGHT YOU TO MADE PUNS_ **

_(4:20pm) You did not teach me anything, shut up_

**_(4:21pm) MY CHILD I AM SO PROUD OF YOU_ **

_(4:21pm) I hate you_

**_(4:21pm) YOU ARE GROWING UP TO BE JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER_ **

_(4:21pm) Sirius what the fuck is wrong with you_

**_(4:22pm) PRONGS CONGRATULATES YOU FOR YOUR JOKE_ **

_(4:23pm) If you don’t shut up about it I’m gonna turn my phone off_

**_(4:24pm) But_ **

_(4:25pm) No_

**_(4:25pm) *whispers* I am still proud of you my child_ **

_(4:25pm) stop calling me your child_

**_(4:25pm) My sweet, innocent child_ **

_(4:26pm) Daddy ;)_

**_(4:26pm) NO_ **

**_(4:26pm) ABORT_ **

**_(4:26pm) ABORT MISSION_ **

**_(4:27pm) YOU ARE NEITHER INNOCENT NOR SWEET I TAKE IT BACK_ **

_(4:27pm) Don’t you love me anymore Daddy :(_

**_(4:27pm) DO NOT CALL ME THAT_ **

_(4:28pm) But Daddy :(_

**_(4:29pm) S T O P_ **

_(4:29pm) Are you gonna punish me Daddy_

**_(4:30pm) CHRIST, DON’T YOU HAVE ANY SHAME BOY_ **

**_(4:30pm) I AM ENDING THIS CONVERSATION HERE AND NOW_ **

_(4:31pm) But Daddy please_

**_(4:31pm) GOODBYE_ **

_January 19 th_

**_(2:31am) First of all I wanted to let you know that I am still traumatized_ **

**_(2:31am) Second of all I know you’re probably asleep but I’m leaving for school in a few and before I forget, I wanted to ask how it went with your parents yesterday_ **

_(2:34am) I sincerely apologize for traumatizing you, but you provoked me._

_(2:34am) Also things with my parents went fine, thank you for asking_

**_(2:35am) WHY AREN’T YOU ASLEEP YOUNG MAN_ **

_(2:35am) Because I can’t_

**_(2:36am) COUNT SHEEPS_ **

_(2:36am) Stop shouting at me_

**_(2:37am) *whispers* this better?_ **

_(2:38am) Yes, thank you_

**_(2:40am) I’m running late and I really have to leave now, try and get some sleep alright?_ **

_(2:41am) Alright, have a good day at school_

**_(2:41am) Thank you_ **

_~_

**_(11:47am) just wanted to let u know padfoot talked abt u all day and it was annoying as fuck okay_ **

_(11:49am) Uhm? Sorry?_

**_(12:14pm) THAT WAS WORMTAIL OKAY AND I JUST FINISHED MURDERING HIM_ **

_(12:15pm) What did you do with the body?_

**_(12:17pm) I’m making a barbecue and I’m gonna feed him to people I hate_ **

_(12:17pm) Smart_

_(12:17pm) So..._

_(12:17pm) You’ve been talking about me_

**_(12:18pm) SHUT UP_ **

_(12:18pm) Only good things I hope_

**_(12:19pm) I said you’re a sarcastic asshole and you say my jokes aren’t funny and you traumatized me_ **

_(12:19pm) Rude_

**_(12:20pm) THAT’S MY LINE_ **

_(12:20pm) IT’S YOUR OWN FAULT OKAY I CAN’T STOP SAYING IT_

**_(12:20pm) I was about to say something about how you’re my child but I’m not going there again_ **

_(12:21pm) …_

**_(12:21pm) Don’t say it_ **

_(12:21pm) Alright_

**_(12:22pm) Thank you_ **

**_(12:23pm) So how’s it going with your parents?_ **

_(12:24pm) It’s okay. They’re gonna come with me to therapy tomorrow and hopefully we’ll be able to clear things out_

**_(12:24pm) That’s great._ **

**_(12:24pm) Can I ask you something else?_ **

**_(12:24pm) You don’t have to answer though if it makes you uncomfortable_ **

_(12:25pm) Shoot_

**_(12:26pm) How are your wounds doing? Are they healing alright?_ **

_(12:27pm) Oh. Yeah, they’re healing just fine._

**_(12:28pm) Okay, that’s good._ **

_(12:28pm) Yeah_

_January 21 st_

_(2:50pm) Please kill me_

_(2:50pm) I’m begging you to kill me_

**_(2:53pm) What’s wrong?_ **

_(2:54pm) After therapy we went to the mall and I had a horrible anxiety attack and I collapsed (I didn’t pass out, but my legs gave in) and everyone stared at me and at least ten people ran up to me and I know they just wanted to help but it made everything so much worse_

_(2:54pm) I really just want to die right now it was so embarrassing_

**_(2:55pm) I’m so sorry this happened. But you don’t have to be embarrassed, it’s not your fault, yeah?_ **

_(2:55pm) Everyone thinks I’m a freak now_

**_(2:56pm) I’m sure they don’t. And if someone does, they’re an asshole okay? Don’t beat yourself up over this_ **

_(2:56pm) Okay…_

**_(2:57pm) Can I do something to help you?_ **

_(2:57pm) No, I’m okay. Thank you Sirius_

**_(2:58pm) Anytime. You know I’m here if you need me._ **

_~_

**_(6:04pm) REMUS IT IS YOUR TURN TO KILL ME NOW_ **

_(6:04pm) What happened_

**_(6:05pm) IT IS 11PM AND I JUST REMEMBERED I HAVE A TEN PAGE ESSAY DUE TOMORROW_ **

_(6:05pm) STOP TEXTING ME AND START WORKING_

**_(6:05pm) I will never manage to do this oh my god please kill me_ **

_(6:06pm) LESS TEXTING MORE WORKING_

_January 22 nd _

**_(2:14am) I DID IT_ **

**_(2:14am) REMUS I FUCKING DID IT_ **

**_(2:14am) I HAVEN’T SLEPT ALL NIGHT BUT I FINISHED THIS BLOODY ESSAY OH MY GOD_ **

**_(2:15am) I’M GONNA DRINK A TON OF COFFEE NOW AND THEN GO TO SCHOOL BYE_ **

**_~_ **

_(8:14am) I KNEW YOU COULD DO IT_

_(8:14am) CONGRATS_

_(8:14am) Also on another note my mom noticed that I broke the vase_

_(8:14am) She was not very happy_

_~_

_(11:32am) My parents are taking me out for lunch please rescue me I don’t want to go out_

**_(11:53am) I just got back from school. Hope lunch with your parents goes well_ **

_(12:20pm) We’ve been here for 15 minutes and I got called ‘miss’ four times I want to jump off a cliff_

**_(12:21pm) Punch them_ **

_(12:21pm) I’d love to_

**_(12:22pm) What did your mom say about the vase?_ **

_(12:22pm) She lectured me about how this was a designer piece and that I should be more careful and about how much it had been worth_

_(12:23pm) My parents say I gotta stop texting, talk to you later_

**_(12:25pm) Bye, enjoy your meal_ **

_~_

_(2:45pm) We finally got back home_

_(2:45pm) Who the hell needs two hours to eat lunch_

_(2:45pm) Spoiler alert it’s my parents_

_(2:46pm) Also they said I was rude for correcting the waiter when he called me ‘miss’_

**_(2:47pm) Did you ever tell them how you treat me? Because I don’t think they know how rude you can be_ **

_(2:47pm) Aren’t you a poor thing_

**_(2:48pm) That’s exactly what I’m talking about_ **

**_(2:48pm) Show them these messages so they know what a rude son they have_ **

_(2:49pm) Oh yes, sure. ‘Hey mom, dad, look at those messages I sent to a stranger in England who I’ve been texting day and night for months. He wants me to show you how rude I can be. Who this is? Oh, we don’t know us at all, but it’s cool, we get along, you know?’_

_(2:49pm) I don’t see what could go wrong with this_

**_(2:50pm) Me either, so go ahead and do it._ **

_(2:50pm) Sure_

_~_

**_(5:41pm) Did you know that elephant bulls don’t move their hips during sex because their penis thrusts on its own?_ **

_(5:43pm) Do I want to know why and where you learned this?_

**_(5:43pm) I’m watching a documentation about elephant reproduction on Netflix_ **

_(5:44pm) That’s… actually not as bad as I expected the answer to this question to be_

**_(5:45pm) Why do you always expect me to be doing some really weird shit? I’m normal, okay?!_ **

_(5:47pm) You and your best friends’ nicknames are Padfoot, Wormtail and Prongs. You drunk texted me about how you drank some weird mixed liquor and puked for an hour when we knew each other for like one day. You are the biggest drama queen existing also you tell the worst jokes existing but honestly think they’re funny. Also there is a life-size reindeer figure in your living room which, according to you, has ‘eyes of doom’. Tell me again how normal you are._

**_(5:48pm) … you got me there._ **

**_(5:48pm) I’m not a drama queen though_ **

_(5:49pm) I’m not having this discussion again_

**_(5:50pm) It wouldn’t be a discussion if you would just admit that I’m not drama queen_ **

_(5:50pm) Isn’t it time for you to go to sleep?_

**_(5:53pm) No. Admit I’m not a drama queen._ **

_(5:53pm) I would, but that would be a lie and I don’t lie._

**_(5:54pm) I hate you_ **

_(5:54pm) I hate you too, my drama queen punk rock daddy and now go to sleep_

**_(5:55pm) I TOLD YOU NOT TO SAY THIS WORD ANYMORE_ **

_(5:55pm) Goodnight._

**_(5:55pm) Goodnight you asshole_ **

_January 23 rd _

**_(1:54am) I’m going to kill Prongs_ **

_(1:56am) You just killed Wormtail four days ago, you might wanna lie low for a while before you take out your next victim_

**_(1:58am) He poured a bucket of cold water over me to wake me up_ **

_(1:58am) Oh okay you’re right, you should definitely kill him_

**_(1:58am) Thank you_ **

_(1:59am) I’ll write you letters when you’re in prison okay?_

**_(2:00am) Nice_ **

**_(2:34am) I’m gonna go to school now and I very much hope you’re asleep! Goodnight, Remus_ **

**_~_ **

_(10:14am) Funny story my parents just told me they’re gonna fly to Italy tonight please excuse me while I go scream for 47 years_

_~_

**_(11:27am) It’s not been quite 47 years but if you’re done screaming just know that I’m gonna go to Italy and kick your parents’ asses_ **

_(11:28am) Thank you_

**_(11:29am) No problem. Also when I’m done kicking their asses I will hide in their suitcase and come with them to New York okay?_ **

_(11:29am) Sounds great. I’m looking forward to it_

_(11:30am) So is Prongs still alive?_

**_(11:31am) For now, yes._ **

**_(11:31am) But I’m not sure how much longer._ **

**_(11:31am) I’ve spent the last half hour trying to convince him to finally throw out that damn reindeer_ **

**_(11:33am) He just said if I don’t shut up he will put it in our room brb crying_ **

_(11:34am) Poor Padfoot_

**_(11:35am) You better not be sarcastic_ **

**_(11:35am) This is a matter of life and death!!!_ **

_(11:36am) Please explain to me how this is a matter of life and death_

**_(11:37am) I told you before, Prongs 2.0 knows that I hate it and if it gets into our room it will kill me in my sleep_ **

_(11:38am) Then stop discussing with Prongs and let the damn reindeer stay_

**_(11:39am) But it’s creeping me out_ **

_(11:39am) Did you tell Prongs that?_

**_(11:40am) No_ **

**_(11:40am) He’s gonna make fun of me_ **

_(11:40am) Well, what is the better option? The reindeer or Prongs making fun of you?_

**_(11:41am) ugh_ **

**_~_ **

**_(2:48pm) REMUS GRAB THE CHAMPAGNE IT IS TIME TO CELEBRATE_ **

_(2:50pm) Who’s pregnant?_

**_(2:50pm) Me. It’s yours. It’s gonna be a boy and I shall name him little slobber_ **

_(2:51pm) Please promise me you will never get children_

**_(2:52pm) You think I won’t be a good father?_ **

_(2:52pm) Not if you name your child little slobber_

**_(2:53pm) Rude_ **

**_(2:53pm) BUT JOKES ASIDE DAD MADE PRONGS PUT PRONGS 2.0 OUTSIDE IN THE GARDEN_ **

**_(2:53pm) I AM FREE_ **

_(2:54pm) I bet Prongs 2.0 will think it’s your fault he has to be outside now and he will take revenge by killing you slowly and painfully_

**_(2:54pm) I hate you so much right now_ **


	5. Chapter 5

_February 16 th_

**_(1:47am) Prongs just told me we have a maths test today_ **

**_(1:47am) I am so fucked_ **

**_(1:47am) Wish me luck okay_ **

**_~_ **

**_(7:16am) I totally failed this test please pray for me_ **

**_~_ **

**_(11:48am) You’ve been awfully quiet lately_ **

**_(11:48am) Are you alright?_ **

_(12:59pm). Sorry, I’m not on my phone a lot_

**_(1:03pm) Are you okay though?_ **

_(1:04pm) I am._

**_(1:04pm) Okay. That’s the important thing_ **

**_(1:04pm) So what have you been up to?_ **

_(1:05pm) Not much. I’ve just been busy_

**_(1:05pm) Busy doing not much?_ **

_(1:06pm) Christ, Sirius just fuck off_

**_(1:06pm) ???_ **

**_(1:06pm) What the fuck???_ **

**_(1:06pm) What did I do?_ **

**_(1:15pm) Look if something’s wrong you can tell me but you don’t have to be all cranky and aggressive okay? I just tried to catch up with you because you haven’t been telling me anything for like two weeks. Sorry for trying to be a good friend._ **

**_~_ **

_(4:48pm) I’m sorry I said that_

_(4:48pm) I didn’t mean it, okay?_

**_(4:50pm) It’s okay. Thank you for apologizing_ **

**_(4:50pm) So… is there anything you want to talk about?_ **

_(4:51pm) Sorry, but I can’t really talk right now. I’ll text you later okay?_

**_(4:51pm) Oh_ **

**_(4:52pm) Alright, bye_ **

**_~_ **

_(11:49pm) I JSUT WANRED TO LET U KNO TAHT URE A GREAT FRIEND AND I LOVR U OK_

_(11:49pm) SORRY OVE BEEN AN ASSJOLE LATELY_

_(11:50pm) URE AWESOME OK_

_February 17 th _

_(2:37am) LILY SSYS MAYBE I CAN VISTI HER IN THE SPRING_

_(2:37am) IF O DO I WILL COME C U TOO OKAY_

_(2:38am) DONT THINK IMW EIRD NOW I JUST LIKE U A LOR OKYA_

_(2:38am) IM RLLY GLSD I SENT THOSE TEXTS TO THE WRONH NUMBER_

_(2:39am) I GTG NOW UBT ILL TEXT U LATER AGAIB OK ILY_

_~_

**_(4:01am) Please tell me you were just unusually euphoric last night_ **

**_(4:01am) Without the help of any kind of pills_ **

**_(4:02am) Apart from that, thank you though. You’re a great friend too, and you haven’t been an asshole lately. And if you really want to visit me, I would be very happy about it. Just please let me know if you’re okay. I love you too, alright?_ **

**_~_ **

_(12:48pm) Sorry about last night_

**_(12:51pm) Did you take drugs again?_ **

_(12:51pm) Do I really need to answer this?_

**_(12:51pm) Why did you take them?_ **

_(12:52pm) Just because they make me feel good._

**_(12:53pm) Did something happen?_ **

_(12:53pm) My birth_

**_(12:54pm) Remus…_ **

**_(12:54pm) Just tell me what’s wrong_ **

_(12:55pm) I have to go now, talk to you later_

**_(12:55pm) No, wait_ **

**_(12:58pm) Remus please_ **

**_*unanswered call 1:04pm*_ **

**_(1:06pm) Please talk to me_ **

**_(1:10pm) I’m here for you, alright?_ **

**_~_ **

_(4:47pm) I am so dead_

**_(4:50pm) What happened?_ **

_(4:50pm) When I was like 14 I had a really bad drug problem. And when I started recovery and therapy when I was 16, my parents agreed that my therapist could do random drug tests because that was the only way they could keep me from lying about my relapses. And I completely forgot about this shit because it’s been so long since the last one. But she noticed I’ve been behaving weirdly the last two weeks so she did one today_

_(4:51pm) She’s calling my parents right now_

**_(4:51pm) Fuck_ **

**_(4:51pm) Can I ask what you took?_ **

_(4:52pm) Mainly ecstasy and methadone_

**_(4:53pm) And… not-mainly?_ **

_(4:54pm) I’d rather not talk about it_

**_(4:54pm) Okay. Sorry_ **

**_(4:55pm) What are you gonna do now?_ **

_(4:56pm) I don’t know._

_(4:56pm) I’m really scared_

_(4:56pm) I don’t want to go back to the clinic_

**_(4:57pm) It’s gonna be okay, yeah?_ **

**_(4:57pm) Just take deep breaths and stay calm_ **

_(4:58pm) I have to go now. I’ll text you as soon as I know more_

_February 18 th _

**_(2:18am) Hope you’re alright!! Message me as soon as you can!_ **

**_~_ **

_(11:20am) Are you home from school yet?_

**_(11:21am) I’m here! So what happened?_ **

_(11:22am) Well, good news is, I don’t have to go to the clinic_

_(11:22am) Bad news is, I’m on complete lockdown_

**_(11:23am) Meaning?_ **

_(11:24am) I’m not allowed to leave the house unless mom, dad or both are with me. Also I’m only allowed to have my phone when I’m in the same room as them_

**_(11:24am) So they’re back?_ **

_(11:25am) Oh yeah they had to come back_

_(11.25am) Then they raided my whole room and took all my drugs and everything I could possible use to hurt myself_

_(11:25am) At first their reaction wasn’t even that bad_

**_(11:26am) At first?_ **

_(11:26am) Yep. Up until my dad found the crack_

**_(11:27am) Bloody hell Remus_ **

**_(11:27am) shit_ **

**_(11:27am) please no_ **

_(11:28am) You don’t have to say anything okay my dad did the whole speech_

_(11:28am) How I’m fucking stupid for risking my life with this shit and how he was never gonne give me a single cent again since I’m throwing my money out for shit like this_

_(11:29am) Oh and not to forget how he’s gonna beat me senseless if he ever catches me doing something like this again_

_(11:29am) Really helpful you know_

_(11:29am) It’s not like this made me feel like shit which is the actual reason I took those drugs_

**_(11:30am) Shit Remus. He shouldn’t have said that, I’m so sorry_ **

**_(11:30am) You’re not stupid okay? You did something stupid, but you had your reasons. I’m not defending what you did because we both know that was wrong, but you don’t deserve to be called stupid or to get beaten up for it._ **

_(11:31am) Thank you, Sirius. I have to go help my mom with lunch now. I’ll text you as soon as I got my phone again_

**_(11:32am) Alright. Keep your head up, yeah?_ **

_(11:32am) I will, thank you_

_February 19 th_

**_(12:09pm) My phone’s awfully quiet_ **

**_(12:09pm) Hope you’re alright, I miss you a lot_ **

**_~_ **

**_(4:18pm) Prongs says he’s gonna beg your parents to give you your phone back because apparently I’m being cranky when I’m not talking to you_ **

**_(4:18pm) Don’t let that go to your head okay_ **

**_(4:19pm) But for real I hope you get your phone back soon!!_ **

****

_February 20 th _

**_(2:32am) I’m leaving for school now and if I don’t have at least one message from you when I come back I’m gonna scream_ **

**_~_ **

**_(11:36am) *screams*_ **

**_~_ **

_(1:13pm) Feels good to know I’m being missed._

**_(1:14pm) REMUS_ **

**_(1:14pm) HALLELUJAH_ **

_(1:15pm) Glad you’re so happy to hear from me_

**_(1:15pm) I HAVE A JOKE I NEED TO TELL YOU_ **

_(1:15pm) … of course you do_

**_(1:16pm) What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?_ **

_(1:16pm) …?_

**_(1:17pm) A carrot!_ **

_(1:17pm) Oh god_

_(1:17pm) It might be because I missed you really badly but this one wasn’t even that bad_

**_(1:17pm) NOT THAT BAD_ **

**_(1:18pm) REMUS SAYING IT’S NOT THAT BAD MEANS IT’S FANTASTIC_ **

**_(1:18pm) I’LL TELL PRONGS_ **

**_(1:18pm) HE SAID IT WAS LAME_ **

_(1:18pm) It was definitely a lot better than his ark joke I can tell you that_

**_(1:18pm) HA!_ **

**_(1:19pm) I KNEW IT I’M FUCKING HILARIOUS_ **

_(1:19pm) Yeah no I wouldn’t go quite that far_

**_(1:19pm) I HAVE ANOTHER ONE_ **

_(1:20pm) Tell me_

**_(1:20pm) What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?_ **

**_(1:20pm) One’s very heavy and the other one’s a little lighter_ **

_(1:21pm) NEVER MIND WHAT I JUST SAID YOU ARE THE WORST_

**_(1:21pm) I’M NOT, I’M HILARIOUS_ **

_(1:22pm) SHUT UP YOUR JOKES ARE THE WORST I HATE YOU_

**_(1:22pm) MY JOKES ARE AMAZING_ **

_(1:25pm) Fun fact apparently me smiling is now seen as me behaving suspiciously what a time to be alive_

**_(1:27pm) Aw I made you smile_ **

_(1:27pm) Shut up_

_(1:27pm) You’re the one being cranky when I’m not around to put up with your stupid jokes_

**_(1:28pm) Rude_ **

**_(1:33pm) NOOOOO_ **

_(1:33pm) ???_

**_(1:34pm) I have to go eat dinner_ **

**_(1:34pm) How long can you have your phone?_ **

_(1:35pm) I don’t have a time limit, as long as I’m in the same room with them I can have it_

_(1:35pm) When are you gonna be back?_

**_(1:36pm) I’ll probably have to help clean up, so in about an hour?_ **

_(1:36pm) Alright I’ll ask if I can have it again then. Enjoy dinner_

**_(1:37pm) Thank you. Talk to you later_ **

_(1:37pm) Bye_

_~_

**_(2:45pm) Please be there!!!_ **

_(2:46pm) I’m here!_

**_(2:46pm) YES_ **

**_(2:47pm) Hold on a second I need to punch Prongs in the face_ **

_(2:48pm) What did he do?_

**_(2:49pm) He makes fun of me for being excited that you have your phone_ **

_(2:49pm) Rude_

**_(2:50pm) I TOLD YOU THIS IS MY LINE_ **

_(2:50pm) IT’S YOUR FAULT YOU INFECTED ME WITH IT_

**_(2:53pm) remus did u know padfoot talks abt u in his sleejlbklivhb,ijl_ **

_(2:53pm) ???_

**_(2:54pm) THAT WAS PRONGS_ **

**_(2:54pm) HE TOOK MY PHONE_ **

**_(2:54pm) I LOCKED MYSELF IN THE BATHROOM NOW_ **

_(2:55pm) Do you really talk about me in your sleep?_

**_(2:55pm) SHUT UP_ **

_(2:56pm) Does that mean yes?_

**_(2:56pm) IT MEANS SHUT UP_ **

_(2:56pm) Fine. I’m gonna give my phone back and go to my room_

**_(2:57pm) DON’T LEAVE ME_ **

_(2:57pm) Then stop telling me to shut up_

**_(2:58pm) Do you wanna hear a joke_ **

_(2:58pm) Do I have a choice?_

**_(2:58pm) Not really_ **

_(2:59pm) Fine. Tell me_

**_(2:59pm) What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?_ **

_(2:59pm) ?_

**_(3:00pm) Roberto!_ **

_(3:00pm) Oh my god_

_(3:00pm) NO_

**_(3:01pm) It’s amazing admit it_ **

_(3:02pm) Christ_

_(3:02pm) I’m sobbing_

_(3:03pm) I hate you so fucking much for this joke oh my god_

_(3:04pm) I shit you not when my mother asked me what I was laughing about and I told her the joke she asked me if I was high_

_(3:04pm) I hate you so much_

**_(3:04pm) I MADE YOU LAUGH_ **

**_(3:04pm) I TOLD YOU I’M HILARIOUS_ **

**_(3:05pm) Wait you’re not in trouble though are you? Because she asked you if you were high I mean_ **

_(3:05pm) No, don’t worry. They know I had absolutely no way of getting any drugs somewhere_

**_(3:06pm) Good_ **

_(3:08pm) I’m really sorry, my mom said I have to put the phone away and do my chores now. I’m probably gonna need a while for them so I’m fairly sure it would be too late at your place by then. It was really great talking to you today! I’ll text you tomorrow, yeah?_

**_(3:08pm) :(_ **

**_(3:08pm) Text me again as soon as you can, alright? It really was great today!_ **

_(3:09pm) I will. Have a nice evening!_

**_(3:09pm) Thanks. You too_ **

****

_February 21 st _

_(9:57am) Hey_

**_(9:58am) HEY_ **

_(9:58am) Don’t yell_

**_(9:58am) BUT I’M EXCITED_ **

_(9:58am) Why?_

**_(9:58am) YOU’RE THERE_ **

_(9:59am) I’M HERE_

_(9:59am) Not for long though. My mom’s preparing brunch right now so I’m gonna have to go eat in like a minute_

**_(10:00am) Nooooo_ **

**_(10:01am) Are you gonna get your phone again afterwards?_ **

_(10:01am) I don’t know. I’ll give my best though._

_(10:01am) Mom says I have to go eat now. Talk to you soon!!_

**_(10:02am) Alright, hope you have a good time!_ **

**_~_ **

**_(5:08pm) Your parents have to give you your phone I’m bored!!!_ **

**_(5:08pm) Also I miss you!_ **

**_~_ **

**_(7:47pm) Prongs says I’m being cranky again tell your parents they’re indirectly torturing at least two other people by not giving you your phone!!!_ **

**_~_ **

**_(10:01pm) It’s 3am I’m gonna go to sleep now_ **

**_(10:01pm) Hope you’re back tomorrow! Goodnight Remus_ **

****

_February 22 nd _

**_(3:16am) Hey Remus this is Prongs and I just wanted to tell you if your parents won’t stop taking your phone away I will have to murder Padfoot because not only doesn’t he shut up about you when he’s awake but he also keeps saying your name in his sleep. FOR EXAMPLE RIGHT NOW. Can you please like come over here and make him shut up_ **

**_(3:16am) Also I really hope you’ll feel better soon! (Sirius didn’t tell me any details, don’t worry okay? He just said you were in a difficult situation right now) Also if Padfoot ever annoys you too much, you have my number. Message me anytime._ **

**_(5:21am) JUST SAYING YOU WON’T HEAR FROM ME FOR A WHILE BECAUSE I’LL BE IN PRISON FOR MURDERING PRONGS BY SHOVING HIS BLOODY REINDEER SO FAR UP HIS ASS HE CHOKES ON IT_ **

**_~_ **

**_(1:39pm) Ok so I’m not in prison but it feels like you are because you still didn’t text_ **

**_(1:39pm) If I don’t hear from you soon I’m gonna start to send smoke signals_ **

**_~_ **

**_(7:25pm) Your parents are dicks and I miss you a lot okay!!!_ **

****

_February 23 rd_

**_(11:04am) Can you please finally get your phone back ugh_ **

**_~_ **

_(1:42pm) First of all I want to thank Prongs for telling me this very sweet fact. Also I very much appreciate the creativity with which you planned his murder. Kudos for this. Also I’m glad you’re not in prison and yes, it really does feel as if I am in one. Smoke signals are great but unfortunately I would not be able to answer since I’m not allowed to leave the apartment to make some. And lastly, I miss you a lot too!!!_

**_(1:45pm) REMUS_ **

**_(1:45pm) WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN_ **

_(1:46pm) My parents were mad at me and wouldn’t let me have my phone_

**_(1:46pm) Why were they mad?_ **

_(1:47pm) Because I got angry and shouted at my dad when he got my pronouns wrong_

_(1:47pm) I know he didn’t do it on purpose and I apologized for it, but I was feeling really dysphoric that day and it irritated me so much_

**_(1:48pm) I’m so sorry_ **

**_(1:48pm) Is there a chance you’re getting your phone back permanently anytime soon?_ **

_(1:49pm) It’s barely been a week. So I really doubt it._

**_(1:50pm) Ugh_ **

**_(1:50pm) Apart from the phone though, how are you doing?_ **

_(1:52pm) Do you want the nice version or the honest one_

**_(1:52pm) Honest_ **

_(1:53pm) Are you sure?_

**_(1:53pm) Yes_ **

_(1:56pm) Withdrawal is nowhere near as bad as last time and the physical part of it is over but it’s fucking me up mentally pretty bad right now. I’m having extreme mood swings and it’s making my anxiety so much worse, especially at night. I can’t talk to my parents about this, it’s not even that they don’t understand or anything, but I just can’t. And since I don’t have my phone I can’t message Lily or you so I have to go through it alone. I’m really fucking lonely and I’m having suicidal thoughts again and I’m really scared. I miss you and Lily so much. Also my parents said I’m not allowed to go visit Lily in England when she has spring vacation. If I’m lucky, they’ll let me go in the summer._

**_(1:57pm) God Remus I’m so sorry_ **

**_(1:57pm) I wish I could be there right now_ **

**_(1:57pm) Can’t you tell your parents that you need to talk to Lily at night because of your anxiety?_ **

_(1:58pm) I did. They said if it’s really that bad, I should talk to them_

**_(1:58pm) What about your therapist? Doesn’t she understand?_ **

_(1:59pm) She said the same thing._

_(1:59pm) I know we’ve never met in person but I miss you so much right now_

_(2:00pm) I just feel so terrible and I just want to cry but if I do they will take my phone away_

**_(2:00pm) Can I do anything to help you?_ **

**_(2:00pm) I miss you too, okay? I love you lots and I swear it’s gonna get better soon._ **

**_(2:01pm) Just hang in there mate_ **

**_(2:01pm) I’m gonna save up money and I will come visit you as soon as I can okay? It will probably take me a while but I swear I will_ **

**_(2:02pm) I promise it’s gonna be fine_ **

_(2:03pm) Thank you so much Sirius_

_(2:03pm) You have no idea how much this means to me_

_(2:04pm) As soon as this whole situation here has calmed down I’m gonna convince my parents to let me go this summer, alright? They have more than enough money they just have to let me_

**_(2:05pm) It’s gonna work out somehow alright? And if you come here you I can show you Prongs 2.0 and you will finally stop making fun of me for being scared of its eyes of doom because you will see how truly terrifying they are and you can meet Prongs too and we can do whatever you want to, okay? It’s gonna be alright._ **

_(2:05pm) Thank you so much Sirius._

**_(2:06pm) Anytime_ **

**_(2:06pm) Promise you’re gonna give everything so we’ll be able to make this happen, yeah?_ **

_(2:07pm) I promise_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It would be really awesome if you could leave me a comment and tell me what you think of my story. Constructive criticism is very welcome (:  
> Also idk how much I'll be able to upload next week because my family's moving and it's gonna be super busy xx


	6. Chapter 6

_March 10 th _

_(11:42am) SIRIUS GUESS WHAT_

**_(11:43am) WHAT_ **

_(11:43am) I’M OFFICIALLY AN ADULT NOW ALSO MY PARENTS GAVE ME BACK MY PHONE_

**_(11:44am) WHAT_ **

**_(11:44am) IS IT YOUR BIRTHDAY TELL ME IT IS NOT YOUR BIRTHDAY WHY DID I NOT KNOW_ **

_(11:44am) IT IS MY BIRTHDAY BUT DID YOU NOT LISTEN I HAVE MY PHONE BACK WHICH MEANS I CAN SPAM YOU AGAIN DAY AND NIGHT_

**_(11:45am) OH MY GOD YES_ **

**_(11:45am) BUT ALSO HAPPY BIRTHDAY REMUS WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF ADULTS PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT MATE ARE YOU READY FOR TAXES WOOHOO_ **

**_(11:45am) WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME NOW I DON’T HAVE A GIFT FOR YOU_ **

_(11:45am) I DON’T WANT GIFTS OKAY SHUT UP BUT ALSO THANK YOU_

**_(11:46am) ARE WE EVER GONNA STOP SCREAMING_ **

_(11:46am) NO_

**_(11:47am) OKAY_ **

**_(11:47am) PRONGS SAYS HE WISHES YOU A HAPPY BIRTHDAY_ **

_(11:48am) TELL HIM THANK YOU ALSO I CHANGED MY MIND CAN WE STOP SCREAMING NOW_

**_(11:48am) Okay_ **

_(11:48am) Okay_

**_(11:49am) So what are your plans for today?_ **

_(11:50am) I don’t have any, to be honest_

**_(11:50am) REMUS JULIO RICARDO MONTOYA DE LA ROSA RAMIREZ THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE_ **

_(11:51am) not again_

_(11:51am) also what do you expect me to do I don’t have any friends_

**_(11:52am) Well I don’t know your full name so I have to get creative_ **

_(11:52am) Stealing a name from Zach and Cody is not very creative_

**_(11:53am) Okay you got a point there_ **

**_(11:54am) ALSO IF YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS THEN GO OUT AND MAKE SOME GO TO A CLUB AND ENJOY YOUR NEWLY WON FREEDOM AND DRINK UNTIL YOU PUKE_ **

_(11:55am) Sirius…_

_(11:55am) First of all, my parents did give me my phone back, but I’m still not allowed to go anywhere on my own. And even if I was, I live in America. I’m not allowed to drink for three more years_

**_(11:56am) Christ_ **

**_(11:56am) And driving age is 16 over there right_ **

**_(11:56am) Getting 18 is no fun in the US your birthday is cancelled go back to bed_ **

_(11:57am) Alright bye_

**_(11:57am) REMUS ELIZABETH MARIA ULRICH SANDERSON DON’T YOU DARE LEAVE NOW_ **

_(11:58am) You used a German name plus my initials spell Remus I’m very proud of you_

**_(11:58am) Thank you, I gave my best_ **

_(12:03pm) My parents are taking me out for lunch and we’re nearly at the restaurant. I don’t want to risk making them angry and having to give up my phone again, so I’ll text you later, okay?_

**_(12:04pm) DIDN’T I JUST SAY YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE ME_ **

**_(12:04am) For real though, have fun and enjoy your meal_ **

_(12:04pm) I’m sorry, okay! And thank you_

_~_

_(4:14pm) Sirius I need you and your very punk rock traits_

_(4:14pm) My grandma is here and I need you to distract her from me with your punk rock jokes and your inner punk rock drama queen_

**_(4:16pm) Why would I help you when you’re just making fun of me_ **

_(4:16pm) I’m not making fun of you_

**_(4:16pm) You’re saying I’m not punk rock_ **

_(4:17pm) That’s not true, I just said you have very punk rock traits_

_(4:17pm) The same as my grandma does so you have to come here and distract her_

**_(4:18pm) I hate you_ **

_(4:18pm) That’s okay you don’t have to talk with me when you come here, just distract my grandma_

_(4:18pm) You can tell her some jokes and tell her about the punk rock club_

_(4:19pm) Oh and ask her about the sweaters_

**_(4:20pm) This conversation is over_ **

**_(4:20pm) I’m leaving now_ **

_(4:20pm) Nooooo_

_(4:21pm) Really you need to help me she’s pissing me off okay I’m gonna freak out_

**_(4:21pm) What’s she doing?_ **

_(4:22pm) She keeps calling me by my birth name and calls me her little girl and I just want to scream_

**_(4:22pm) Do it_ **

**_(4:22pm) Every time she says something like this just start screaming_ **

**_(4:23pm) I’m sure she’ll stop then_ **

_(4:23pm) Good idea_

_(4:23pm) But my parents would kill me_

**_(4:23pm) You just have to scream so loud it will paralyze them_ **

_(4:24pm) Okay_

_~_

_(8:10pm) She finally left_

_(8:10pm) I’m free_

**_(8:12pm) Yay_ **

_(8:13pm) Go to sleep_

**_(8:13pm) NO_ **

**_(8:13pm) I’m only starting to get drunk_ **

**_(8:14pm) THE NIGHT IS YOUNG MY DEAR REMUS_ **

**_(8:14pm) AS AM I_ **

**_(8:14pm) I HAVE TO ENJOY MY YOUTH WHILE IT LASTS_ **

**_(8:14pm) SOON I WILL WILT AND THESE DAYS WILL BE NOTHING BUT FADED MEMORIES_ **

_(8:16pm) Oh my god_

_(8:16pm) Please stop drinking this is awful_

**_(8:17pm) BUT REMUS MY DARLING_ **

**_(8:17pm) DON’T YOU WANT ME TO LIVE MY LIFE TO THE FULLEST_ **

_(8:18pm) If it means having to endure text messages like these, then no. I don’t want you to live your life to the fullest_

**_(8:19pm) DON’T BE GRUMPY MY LOVE_ **

**_(8:19pm) SOON YOU WILL BE OLD ENOUGH TO RELISH THE JOYS OF ALCOHOL_ **

_(8:19pm) Stop talking like that_

**_(8:19pm) DON’T BE MAD, MY BELOVED REMUS_ **

**_(8:20pm) SMILE_ **

_(8:21pm) Do me a favour and get yourself tested because there is something seriously wrong with you_

_(8:21pm) And NO, I did NOT mean siriusly_

**_(8:22pm) THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME MY LOVE FOR I AM JUST HAPPY TO BE ALIVE AND WELL_ **

_(8:23pm) Stop calling me those things you sound stupid and you will regret this tomorrow_

**_(8:24pm) BUT DARLING_ **

_(8:24pm) No_

**_(8:25pm) MY LOVE_ **

_(8:26pm) Stop_

**_(8:27pm) MY DEAR_ **

_(8:28pm) I’m leaving now_

**_(8:28pm) DON’T LEAVE ME MY BELOVED_ **

_(8:29pm) Goodnight Sirius_

_(8:39pm) Have fun with your friends_

**_(8:30pm) WELL THEN_ **

**_(8:31pm) HAVE A GOOD NIGHT MY SWEET REMUS_ **

**_(8:31pm) DON’T LET THE BED BUGS BITE YOU_ **

****

_March 11 th_

**_(5:48am) Okay I see it now_ **

**_(5:48am) You were right I am a drama queen I admit it are you happy now_ **

**_(5:48am) Also I hope you know that after admitting this I can never talk to you again okay_ **

**_(5:48am) Goodbye_ **

**_~_ **

_(9:21am) BUT SIRIUS MY DEAR_

**_(9:23am) No_ **

_(9:23am) MY BELOVED_

**_(9:23am) I got it okay I’m a drama queen you can stop now_ **

_(9:24am) MY LOVE_

**_(9:24am) BYE_ **

_(9:25am) MY DARLING_

_~_

**_(2:15pm) I still hate you okay but I need to tell you a joke_ **

_(2:16pm) Please don’t_

**_(2:16pm) What do you call a guy who never farts in public?_ **

_(2:16pm) I really don’t want to know_

**_(2:17pm) A private tutor!!!!!!_ **

_(2:18pm) This is the end of our friendship I am no longer talking to you_

**_(2:18pm) Rude_ **

**_(2:20pm) Still rude_ **

**_(2:24pm) Stop ignoring me_ **

**_(2:25pm) !!!!!!_ **

**_(2:30pm) COME BACK TO ME BABY_ **

**_(2:30pm) COME BACK CAUSE I NEED YOU BY MY SIDE_ **

**_(2:30pm) COME BACK TO ME BABY_ **

**_(2:30pm) CAUSE I NEED YOU HERE_ **

**_(2:30pm) NOW I’M PRAYING FOR A BETTER DAY_ **

**_(2:30pm) THAT WE CAN FIND A WAY_ **

**_(2:30pm) TO MAKE THIS FEELING LAST_ **

**_(2:31pm) TELL ME WHY I HAVE TO BE ALONE_ **

**_(2:31pm) HOW CAN WE CARRY ON_ **

**_(2:31pm) WITH THIS PAIN INSIDE OH GIRL_ **

_(2:38pm) I can’t believe you just quoted US5_

_(2:38pm) I don’t even know what to say anymore_

_(2:38pm) Please never interact with people you are terrible_

**_(2:38pm) MY SWEET REMUS YOU HAVE RETURNED_ **

_(2:39pm) Turn off caps lock or stop texting me_

**_(2:39pm) Why so grumpy my love_ **

_(2:40pm) Please read the last hour of our conversation and tell me how I could not want to strangle you right now_

**_(2:41pm) You’re adorable when you’re angry do you know that_ **

_(2:41pm) Shut up_

**_(2:41pm) Aww_ **

_(2:41pm) I hate you_

**_(2:42pm) Aww_ **

**_(2:42pm) I hate you too my sweetheart_ **

_(2:43pm) Oh my god_

_March 12 th _

**_(6:03pm) Guess who does not want to go to school tomorrow_ **

**_(6:03pm) That’s right ME_ **

_(6:04pm) Guess who does not have to go to school tomorrow_

_(6:04pm) That’s right ME_

**_(6:05pm) Just so you know I hate you a lot okay_ **

_(6:05pm) Thank you_

**_(6:06pm) What do I have to do that you will go to school for me tomorrow_ **

_(6:06pm) If you get me there in time I promise I will_

**_(6:06pm) Alright hold on a moment I’m swimming over to get you_ **

_(6:07pm) Awesome I’ll pack my things_

**_(6:07pm) You know what you don’t have to, I’m just gonna stay in New York, alright? They can’t make me go to school if I’m not even on the right continent_ **

_(6:07pm) Good plan_

_(6:07pm) When will you be here do you want me to order pizza_

**_(6:08pm) Yes, please_ **

_(6:08pm) Awesome_

**_(6:10pm) …_ **

**_(6:10pm) I wish it was that easy in reality_ **

_(6:10pm) Me too…_

_(6:11pm) Why can’t you live here?_

**_(6:11pm) Why can’t you live here?_ **

_(6:11pm) Ugh_

_(6:11pm) It’s not fair_

**_(6:11pm) It really isn’t_ **

**_(6:12pm) Can I ask you something_ **

_(6:12pm) Of course_

**_(6:13pm) You said you wanted to come to England this summer, right?_ **

_(6:13pm) Yeah. Well, if my parents and my therapist allow me to go_

**_(6:13pm) If you come to England…_ **

**_(6:14pm) Would you really want to meet me?_ **

_(6:15pm) Well… yeah_

_(6:15pm) I mean if you want to as well_

**_(6:16pm) Of course I do_ **

**_(6:16pm) I just wasn’t sure if you had really meant this or not_ **

_(6:16pm) Sirius, why wouldn’t I want to meet you?_

**_(6:16pm) Because I’m annoying_ **

_(6:17pm) So? Me too_

_(6:17pm) You’re just as much my best friend as Lily is, okay? I love you_

**_(6:17pm) Thank you Remus_ **

**_(6:17pm) I love you too_ **

_(6:18pm) Now go to sleep alright?_

_(6:18pm) You have to get up early tomorrow_

**_(6:19pm) Ugh. Kill me now, please_ **

_(6:19pm) Goodnight_

**_(6:19pm) Night_ **

_March 13 th _

**_(1:16am) Please kill me_ **

**_(1:16am) I’m so fucking tired I’m going to cry_ **

_(1:18am) It’s okay_

_(1:18am) Have some coffee_

_(1:18am) You can do this_

**_(1:19am) GO TO SLEEP_ **

**_(1:19am) YOU BASTARD COULD BE SLEEPING RIGHT NOW DON’T YOU REALIZE HOW LUCKY YOU ARE_ **

_(1:19am) Jesus_

_(1:19am) PLEASE go get some coffee_

**_(1:20am) Go to sleep okay sleep for me I’m begging you_ **

_(1:20am) Alright. Have a nice day at school, okay? Text me as soon as you’re back_

**_(1:21am) Thank you. Sleep well_ **

**_~_ **

_(7:14am) My mom just woke me up any said I have to go to the gym with her because apparently I’m not doing enough please kill me now_

_(7:14am) I’m tired also I hate exercise_

_(7:14am) ALSO WHO THE FUCK GOES TO THE GYM THIS EARLY WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HER_

_~_

_(10:29am) I just wanted to inform you that I died_

_(10:29am) Please come to my funeral so Lily isn’t all alone there okay_

_~_

**_(11:38am) WELL IF YOU HAD GONE TO SLEEP EARLIER YOU WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN THIS TIRED_ **

**_(11:38am) Condolences to your death though_ **

**_(11:38am) I will attend your funeral and I will bring flowers_ **

_(11:39am) Will you make a speech?_

**_(11:39am) Of course_ **

**_(11:39am) It will be heart breaking_ **

**_(11:39am) We are gathered here today because Remus whateverhislastnamewashenevertoldme, was a lazy fuck and couldn’t survive two hours at the gym._ **

**_(11:40am) I will always remember what a sarcastic asshole he was and how he criticised my jokes day and night._ **

**_(11:40am) Not a day passed without him being extremely rude to me._ **

**_(11:40am) Goodbye Remus you bastard I hope you burn in hell_ **

_(11:41am) What a moving speech_

_(11:41am) Thank you Sirius, I feel honored_

**_(11:42am) You’re welcome_ **

_(11:43am) Also my last name is Lupin_

**_(11:43am) Interesting_ **

**_(11:43am) Second name?_ **

_(11:44am) Guess_

**_(11:44am) What letter does it start with?_ **

_(11:45am) Guess_

**_(11:45am) Ugh_ **

**_(11:46am) J?_ **

_(11:47am) What the fuck_

_(11:47am) Yes_

**_(11:47am) HOLY SHIT REALLY_ **

_(11:47am) Yes?!?!_

**_(11:47am) I mean I always knew I’m brilliant but this is amazing even for me_ **

**_(11:48am) Maybe I’m psychic oh my god let’s try_ **

_(11:48am) What am I thinking about_

**_(11:48am) You are thinking about how truly amazing I am and how much better I make your life_ **

_(11:48am) Actually I was thinking about pizza but whatever_

**_(11:49am) …_ **

**_(11:49am) Now I want pizza_ **

_(11:49am) Me too._

_(11:49am) I’ll ask my mom if we can have pizza for lunch hold on_

_(11:53am) Ugh she said no_

_(11:53am) Apparently gym wasn’t enough, I also do have to eat healthy now_

**_(11:54am) You poor soul_ **

_(11:54am) I don’t have a soul_

**_(11:54am) No?_ **

_(11:55am) No, I sold it_

**_(11:55am) What for?_ **

_(11:55am) My asshole tastes like chocolate now_

**_(11:56am) WHAT THE FUCK_ **

**_(11:56am) HOW CAN YOU CONSTANTLY COMPLAIN ABOUT HOW WEIRD I AM AND THEN SAY THINGS LIKE THIS_ **

**_(11:56am) I’M TELLING PRONGS_ **

_(11:57am) …_

**_(11:58am) PRONGS SAYS YOU’RE FUCKED UP_ **

_(11:59am) Thank you_

**_(11:59am) Honestly Remus what the fuck_ **

_(12:00pm) I don’t know okay just let me say stupid things_

**_(12:00pm) Just so you know I am printing this conversation and I will frame it and hang it up on my wall_ **

_(12:01pm) THIS is why I say you’re weird_

**_(12:02pm) Fuck you_ **

_(12:02pm) Maybe later I gotta eat lunch now bye_

**_(12:03pm) I hope you choke on it_ **

_(12:03pm) My throat is well trained, I don’t choke easily_

**_(12:04pm) REMUS_ **

**_(12:04pm) FOR THE LOVE OF GOD_ **

**_(12:04pm) YOU WERE SO SWEET AND INNOCENT WHEN I MET YOU_ **

**_(12:04pm) WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU MY CHILD_ **

**_(12:05pm) NONONONO I TAKE THAT LAST ONE BACK_ **

_~_

_(2:04pm) Hey daddy_

**_(2:05pm) STOP_ **

**_(2:06pm) I’M BEGGING YOU_ **

_(2:07pm) You started it_

**_(2:08pm) I TOOK IT BACK_ **

_(2:08pm) So?_

**_(2:08pm) SO I DON’T WANT YOU TO SAY THIS_ **

**_(2:08pm) YOU ARE NOT OLD ENOUGH FOR SUCH FILTHY LANGUAGE YOUNG MAN_ **

_(2:08pm) But Daddy I’m a big boy now :(_

**_(2:09pm) NO_ **

**_(2:09pm) I SAID STOP_ **

_(2:10pm) What are you gonna do, spank me?_

**_(2:10pm) OH MY GOD_ **

**_(2:10pm) YOU NEED JESUS_ **

**_(2:10pm) I NEED TO TALK TO YOUR PARENTS_ **

**_(2:10pm) YOU ARE ROTTEN_ **

**_(2:10pm) R O T T E N_ **

_(2:11pm) :(_

_(2:11pm) Rude_

**_(2:12pm) THAT’S MY LINE_ **

_(2:12pm) Not anymore_

_(2:12pm) I officially stole it now_

**_(2:12pm) I will sue you_ **

_(2:13pm) Bring it on_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Moving is luckily almost over, but I'm gonna be in England from Sunday - Thursday so I won't be able to upload those days. There will be one more chapter before then though and afterwards it should be back to normal.


	7. Chapter 7

_April_ _10_ _ th _

_(2:56pm) Ugh_

**_(2:56pm) Ugh?_ **

_(2:56pm) Ugh_

**_(2:56pm) Ugh!_ **

_(2:56pm) Can you please fly over here like right now_

**_(2:56pm) I’m on my way_ **

**_(2:56pm) What’s wrong?_ **

_(2:57pm) Everything_

**_(2:57pm) That’s a lot_ **

**_(2:57pm) Tell uncle Sirius what’s going on_ **

_(2:58pm) Nice try, you’re still my daddy_

**_(2:59pm) STOP_ **

**_(2:59pm) Just tell me what’s wrong and stop being inappropriate_ **

_(2:59pm) Fine_

_(3:00pm) It’s a lot though_

**_(3:00pm) It’s okay, just tell me_ **

_(3:01pm) My anxiety is really bad right now, which also makes me feel a lot more dysphoric, also my parents had a huge fight earlier today and they were shouting and yelling and I had an anxiety attack because of that. They will allow me to go to therapy on my own today and I’m really glad I’m getting my freedom back but also I’m scared because I can’t trust myself_

_(3:01pm) What if I fuck up again?_

**_(3:02pm) It’s gonna be okay_ **

**_(3:02pm) I know you can do it_ **

**_(3:02pm) I’m here for you, yeah?_ **

_(3:03pm) Thank you, Sirius_

_(3:03pm) I have to leave for therapy now, talk to you later_

**_(3:04pm) Alright, have a good time!_ **

_(3:04pm) Thanks_

_~_

**_(3:_ ** **_46pm) I know you’re probably still in therapy, but just a small warning Prongs, Wormtail and me are going to a party of some guy at our school now so prepare yourself for drunk texts_ **

**_~_ **

**_(5:57pm) Wormtail is already puking oh my god_ **

**_(5:57pm) This is why we shouldn’t let him drink_ **

**_~_ **

**_(6:24pm) REMUS WHERE R U_ **

**_(6:24pm) WHY ARENT U TXTING ME BACK_ **

_~_

_(7:10pm) Sirius I’m sorry but I’m really not in the mood right now, okay?_

_(7:10pm) Enjoy your night, and if you want to you can keep texting me but just don’t expect an answer back_

**_(7:11pm) NO WHAT’S WRONG_ **

_(7:11pm) We can talk about it tomorrow, alright? No offense but right now I really don’t want to talk with you when you’re drunk_

**_(7:12pm) plesae tell me whats wrong I swear I wanna help_ **

_(7:13pm) No_

_(7:13pm) We’ll talk tomorrow, okay? You just enjoy the time with your friends, I will be alright, I promise_

_(7:13pm) Goodnight_

**_(7:16pm) NO_ **

**_(7:16pm) REMUS_ **

**_(7:16pm) I WANTTO HLEP YOU_ **

**_~_ **

**_(7:42pm) TXT ME BACK_ **

**_(7:45pm) REMUS_ **

**_~_ **

**_*unanswered call 8:21pm*_ **

**_*unanswered call 8:25pm*_ **

****

_April 11 th_

**_(5:25am) Remus I’m really sorry about last night_ **

**_(5:25am) I’m gonna stop drinking I swear_ **

**_(5:25am) Please text me when you wake up and let me know if you’re alright_ **

**_~_ **

**_(9:47am) Are you awake yet?_ **

**_(9:47am) Please text me, I’m sorry, okay?_ **

**_~_ **

_(10:16am) I’m up_

_(10:16am) And you don’t have to apologize for last night, it’s not your fault._

**_(10:17am) Still, I’m really sorry_ **

**_(10:17am) Do you want to tell me what happened yesterday?_ **

_(10:18am) I fucked up again_

_(10:18am) I’m so fucking terrible Sirius_

_(10:18am) I fucked up_

**_(10:19am) What happened?_ **

_(10:20am) Therapy was really crappy and exhausting and on the way home I ran into an old… ‘friend’ of mine. He was one of the guys I was friends with three years ago when this whole drug disaster was going on and he asked me to go with him to meet some of the others and because I was feeling really shitty and I knew my parents wouldn’t notice if I got home a little later I went with him… But of course once we all got together everyone was getting high and they offered me some too_

**_(10:20am) Please tell me you said no_ **

_(10:20am) I wish I could_

**_(10:21am) Shit_ **

**_(10:21am) What happened then? Did you tell anyone?_ **

_(10:22am) Oh yes, sure, I went home to my parents and I was like ‘hey dad do you remember how you threatened to beat me up if I ever did this shit again when you found my crack well guess what I just smoked some four hours ago’_

**_(10:22am) Shit_ **

_(10:22am) I’M SORRY okay I didn’t mean to sound so snappy I know you just want to help_

**_(10:23am) It’s okay_ **

_(10:34am) No, it’s not. I’m really sorry! But I’m just so desperate and I don’t know what to do. I would have to do one phone call to get some more and I really want to but also I don’t want to go through withdrawal again_

**_(10:34am) Please don’t do it Remus I know you can do it_ **

**_(10:34am) Delete the number_ **

_(10:35am) That’s the problem_

_(10:35am) I memorized it and I’m really scared of having a weak moment and calling_

**_(10:36am) Please tell someone_ **

**_(10:36am) If you’re scared of your father getting angry tell your mother or call your therapist_ **

**_(10:36am) Just please_ **

_(10:37am) Shit, uh listen my mom is calling me, I have to go now._

_(10:37am) I promise I’ll figure this out somehow okay_

**_(10:38am) I believe in you okay?_ **

**_(10:38am) Please stay safe_ **

_(10:38am) I will_

_April 12 th _

**_(6:34am) Hope you’re alright!_ **

**_~_ **

**_(10:47am) Let me know if you need anything, okay?_ **

**_~_ **

_(6:09pm) Sorry I didn’t text you back, I had a pretty rough day and had to stay away from my phone for a bit_

**_(6:10pm) It’s okay, don’t worry about it. How do you feel now?_ **

_(6:10pm) I’m okay, thank you. My parents went out for dinner with a business partner or something, so I’m home alone right now, which is pretty nice to be honest_

_(6:10pm) Shouldn’t you be going to sleep though?_

**_(6:11pm) That’s good_ **

**_(6:11pm) Also I’m not tired yet_ **

_(6:11pm) Okay_

**_(6:13pm) Entertain me please_ **

_(6:13pm) With what_

_(6:13pm) I’m literally just lying in my bed_

**_(6:14pm) What would you do if I was there with you ;)_ **

_(6:15pm) Kick you in the face for being a fuckboy_

**_(6:16pm) Wow rude_ **

_(6:16pm) Not my fault_

**_(6:18pm) Alright fine if you won’t entertain me, it’s time for a joke_ **

_(6:18pm) Ugh_

**_(6:19pm) It’s a good one I swear_ **

**_(6:19pm) Three nuns are sitting on a park bench_ **

**_(6:19pm) A man comes up and exposes himself to them_ **

**_(6:19pm) Two have a stroke_ **

**_(6:19pm) But the third one couldn’t reach_ **

_(6:20pm) Oh my god_

_(6:20pm) No_

**_(6:21pm) It’s funny, you know it_ **

_(6:21pm) No_

_(6:21pm) Go to sleep_

**_(6:21pm) No!_ **

**_(6:21pm) Sleep is for the weak!_ **

_(6:21pm) Ehh_

_(6:21pm) I’m more the sleep for a week kind of person_

_(6:21pm) Or at least I would be if I was able to sleep_

**_(6:21pm) I’ll come over and help you fall asleep_ **

_(6:22pm) This better be about murder and nothing else_

**_(6:22pm) What if not_ **

_(6:22pm) Goodnight, Sirius_

**_(6:23pm) NO_ **

**_(6:23pm) It’s about murder okay_ **

_(6:24pm) You should still go to sleep_

**_(6:24pm) But I’m not tired_ **

_( **6:24pm) I have another joke for you**_

_(6:25pm) Is it better than the last one?_

**_(6:26pm) No joke will ever be better than that one_ **

_(6:26pm) Then I never want to hear a joke again_

**_(6:26pm) What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?_ **

_(6:27pm) I really don’t want to know_

**_(6:27pm) Cashew!_ **

_(6:27pm) Oh my god_

_(6:27pm) Please go to sleep_

**_(6:27pm) No_ **

**_(6:27pm) If you don’t want me to tell more jokes then you tell me something_ **

_(6:28pm) I don’t have anything to tell though_

**_(6:29pm) What’s your favorite colour?_ **

_(6:29pm) Why?_

**_(6:29pm) Just asking_ **

_(6:29pm) Blue_

_(6:29pm) But dark blue_

_(6:29pm) What’s yours?_

**_(6:30pm) Black_ **

_(6:31pm) Oh come on_

**_(6:31pm) What’s wrong with black?_ **

_(6:31pm) Nothing_

_(6:31pm) But it’s boring_

**_(6:32pm) It’_ ** **_s not boring it’s awesome_ **

**_(6:32pm) Also it’s very punk rock_ **

_(6:33pm) Oh my god_

**_(6:33pm) And it’s my last name_ **

_(6:34pm) Oh, really?_

**_(6:34pm) Yes. You could say I’m… being sirius_ **

_(6:34pm) Oh my god_

_(6:34pm) I’m begging you, go to sleep_

**_(6:34pm) No_ **

**_(6:34pm) Never_ **

_(6:35pm) Fine_

_(6:35pm) But don’t complain tomorrow morning when you’re tired_

**_(6:35pm) I won’t_ **

**_(6:38pm) What are good movies on Netflix?_ **

_(6:38pm) Tell me you’re not about to start watching a movie_

**_(6:38pm) …_ **

_(6:39pm) Go to sleep_

**_(6:40pm) I’m gonna watch Scary Movie_ **

_(6:41pm) You will regret this tomorrow_

**_(6:41pm) I won’t_ **

_(6:41pm) I’m already looking forward to text you the wonderful words ‘I told you so’_

**_(6:43pm) Pffffft_ **

**_(6:43pm) I will still get almost four hours of sleep afterwards_ **

_(6:44pm) That’s not enough and we both know that_

**_(6:44pm) It’s enough for me_ **

_(6:45pm) Sure_

_April 13 th _

**_(1:32am) I’M UP AND FIT AND READY TO FACE THE DAY_ **

_(1:34am) Of course you are_

**_(1:34am) YOU MY FRIEND ARE A HYPOCRITE AND YOU NEED TO GO TO SLEEP NOW_ **

_(1:35am) You my friend are a liar and you need to turn off caps lock_

**_(1:35am) Shhhh sleep now little Remus_ **

_(1:35am) I’m not little_

**_(1:35am) Ickle Remus needs his sleep_ **

_(1:36am) Shut it_

**_(1:36am) Hush little Remus don’t say a word_ **

_(1:36am) You better follow that advice yourself_

**_(1:37am) I need to take a shower now so stop texting me and go to sleep_ **

_(1:37am) Don’t drown_

**_(1:38am) How the fuck would I drown in a shower?_ **

_(1:38am) I don’t know but I’m sure you would manage it_

**_(1:38am) I love how much trust in my survivability you have_ **

_(1:39am) I’m gonna go to sleep now have fun at school_

**_(1:40am) Thank you and sleep well_ **

**_~_ **

_(11:04am) Are you home from school yet?_

_(11:12am) Please text me as soon as you can!_

_~_

**_(12:02pm) Sorry for the late answer, but I’m here now_ **

**_(12:02pm) Are you alright?_ **

**_(12:07pm) Remus_ **

_(12:09pm) I’m sorry Sirius_

**_(12:10pm) About what? What’s going on?_ **

_(12:10pm) I’m feeling so terrible right now_

**_(12:11pm) What’s wrong?_ **

**_(12:11pm) Did something happen?_ **

_(12:12pm) No, that’s exactly it_

_(12:12pm) When I woke up this morning I just felt so terrible and it’s getting worse and worse no matter what I do_

_(12:12pm) I’ve been crying for hours and I can’t stop_

_(12:12pm) I really want to hurt myself but I know I will regret it_

**_(12:13pm) Remus no_ **

**_(12:13pm) Don’t hurt yourself, please_ **

**_(12:13pm) I’m here for you, alright?_ **

**_(12:13pm) What can I do to help you? I’ll do anything_ **

_(12:14pm) I don’t know_

**_(12:14pm) Do you want me to call you?_ **

_(12:14pm) I don’t know_

_(12:15pm) I can’t really talk at the moment_

**_(12:15pm) It’s okay, we don’t have to. I just want you to know that I’m here for you, alright? I love you, and I know you can do this!_ **

_(12:15pm) Thank you Sirius_

_(12:15pm) I love you too_

**_(12:16pm) Are your parents home?_ **

_(12:16pm) No, not right now._

_(12:16pm) They will be back tonight though_

**_(12:17pm) Okay_ **

**_(12:17pm) Do you want to hear a joke_ **

_(12:17pm) Sure_

**_(12:18pm) Really?_ **

**_(12:18pm) I won’t tell it if you don’t want to_ **

_(12:18pm) Just tell the joke, Sirius_

**_(12:18pm) Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt?_ **

**_(12:19pm) Because he doesn’t wanna be spotted_ **

_(12:19pm) Jesus_

_(12:19pm) That even makes sense please stop_

**_(12:19pm) Do you want to hear another one?_ **

_(12:20pm) I’m not so sure about that_

**_(12:20pm) What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu?_ **

_(12:20pm) …_

**_(12:21pm) If you get the bird flu you need tweetment, if you have the swine flu you need oinkment_ **

_(12:21pm) Oh god_

_(12:21pm) No_

_(12:21pm) I think this one is the worst so far_

**_(12:22pm) Shhh_ **

**_(12:22pm) We both know you love it_ **

_(12:22pm) No_

**_(12:22pm) Yes_ **

**_(12:22pm) Shhhh_ **

_(12:23pm) Don’t shush me_

**_(12:23pm) Shhh_ **

_(12:23pm) Fine_

_(12:23pm) I’ll stop talking to you then_

**_(12:24pm) Noooo_ **

_(12:24pm) So you want me to be quiet but you don’t want me to stop talking to you?_

**_(12:25pm) Exactly_ **

_(12:25pm) And how do I do that?_

**_(12:25pm) I don’t know, you figure that out_ **

**_(12:25pm) And while you do that I have another joke for you_ **

_(12:26pm) … Is that really necessary?_

**_(12:26pm) Yes_ **

**_(12:26pm) What’s a frog’s favourite drink?_ **

_(12:26pm) I’m begging you, don’t tell me_

**_(12:27pm) Croaka Cola_ **

_(12:27pm) Jesus Christ_

_(12:27pm) No_

_(12:28pm) I’m gonna go now_

**_(12:28pm) Why_ **

**_(12:28pm) Come on, it was just a joke_ **

_(12:28pm) I’m gonna take a nap_

_(12:29pm) I need to recover from this horrible, traumatizing joke_

**_(12:29pm) You’re so lame_ **

_(12:30_ _pm) Thank you_

_~_

**_(3:04pm) Are you still sleeping?_ **

_(3:06pm) No, I’m up_

**_(3:06pm) Awesome_ **

**_(3:06pm) How are you feeling?_ **

_(3:07pm) Better, thank you very much_

**_(3:07pm) That’s good_ **

_(3:08pm) Yeah_

_(3:08pm) I have to leave again now though, sorry_

_(3:08pm) I have therapy in a few_

**_(3:09pm) Oh, okay_ **

**_(3:09pm) Have a good time, talk to you later_ **

_(3:10pm) Thank you. Bye_

_~_

_(4:56pm) Guess who I just saw_

**_(4:56pm) Santa_ **

_(4:56pm) Neil Patrick Harris_

**_(4:56pm) NO_ **

_(4:56pm) Yes_

**_(4:56pm) FUCK YOU_ **

**_(4:56pm) Did you talk to him_ **

_(4:57pm) What the fuck_

_(4:57pm) I can barely order pizza without crying_

_(4:57pm) Also I just saw him walking down the street_

**_(4:57pm) Next time you see him give him like a map that leads to my bedroom or something okay_ **

_(4:58pm) Wow_

_(4:58pm) Really?_

**_(4:59pm) What? He’s hot_ **

_(4:59pm) He’s married_

**_(4:59pm) Shh_ **

_(4:59pm) And he has two children_

**_(4:59pm) Shh_ **

_(5:00pm) And he’s like 40_

**_(5:00pm) I don’t care_ **

**_(5:00pm) Nobody has to know_ **

_(5:01pm) I know_

_(5:01pm) And I will tell his husband and he will come and beat you up_

**_(5:02pm) Rude_ **

_(5:02pm) You’re the one wanting to sleep with a married man_

**_(5:03pm) So?_ **

_(5:03pm) I’m not having this discussion_

**_(5:04pm) Why not?_ **

_(5:04pm) Because it’s never gonna happen_

**_(5:05pm) You hurt my feelings_ **

**_(5:05pm) It COULD happen_ **

_(5:06pm) No_

**_(5:06pm) What if he gets divorced?_ **

_(5:06pm) What would you do? Come to New York and stalk him? Until he sleeps with you?_

**_(5:07pm) I would be subtle_ **

_(5:07pm) Subtle_

**_(5:07pm) Yes_ **

**_(5:08pm) I would just be like… everywhere where he is_ **

**_(5:08pm) But I would never acknowledge him_ **

**_(5:08pm) And he would see me like in the gym_ **

**_(5:08pm) Or when he’s out eating_ **

**_(5:09pm) And I would be like the mysterious stranger_ **

**_(5:09pm) And he would totally fall for me_ **

**_(5:09pm) And one day he would approach me and bam – one hour later we’re fucking in his apartment_ **

_(5:10pm) Wow_

**_(5:10pm) And that’s how I met your father_ **

_(5:11pm) A true fairy tale_

**_(5:11pm) I know, right?_ **

**_(5:12pm) Also since I’m gonna be living in New York with him, I’ll come visit you like all the time_ **

_(5:12pm) Great_

**_(5:13pm) Do I detect sarcasm there young man_ **

_(5:13pm) Me? Sarcastic? Never._

**_(5:14pm) Yeah, right_ **

_(5:14pm) I will stop being sarcastic the day you stop telling jokes_

**_(5:15pm) Never_ **

_(5:15pm) There you go_

_(5:17pm) My parents just came home, I gotta go_

_(5:17pm) It’s getting late at your place anyway, I’ll text you tomorrow_

**_(5:18pm) Okay, have a nice evening_ **

_(5:18pm) Thank you. Sleep well_

**_(5:18pm) Thanks_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked the chapter  
> Like I said in the end notes of the last one, I'm gonna be gone until Thursday, but after that I will post more frequently again (:


	8. Chapter 8

_May 6 th_

_(10:36am) Hey Lily are you there?_

(10:36am) Yes

_(10:37am) My parents just left and they’re gonna be gone for five days_

_(10:37am) I know I’ve been alone for longer, but not in a long time and I’m really scared to be honest_

(10:38am) Did you tell them that?

_(10:39am) Yes_

(10:39am) I’ve said it before and I will say it until you listen to me: Tell your therapist that your parents just abandon you and I bet you they will make sure you can go somewhere where they will take proper care of you

_(10:40am) They’re not abandoning me, they’re going to work_

(10:42am) Oh sure your parents are just amazing, right?

(10:42am) Like that time they didn’t realize for two years that you were neck-deep in drugs and whatnot

_(10:43am) Shut up_

_(10:43am) It’s not their fault_

(10:44am) You know that I’m right

(10:44am) I’m just worried about you, Remus

_(10:45am) I know, okay?_

(10:45am) I really think you should tell someone

(10:45am) With everything that happened lately, maybe it would be better if you could go back to the clinic for a while

_(10:46am) I’m not going back there_

(10:46am) Remus, I know it was hard there, but look how much it helped you! Also you don’t have to go back there for that long again. Just a few weeks, maybe

_(10:47am) No. I already had this discussion with my therapist about a thousand times. I’m fine. And I don’t want to go back there_

(10:48am) Maybe it isn’t what you want, but I’m fairly sure it’s what’s best for you

_(10:49am) Oh yes excuse me, I forgot that you know me better than I know myself. Why don’t you make ALL my decisions from now on?_

(10:50am) This is not about me making your decisions. This is about you constantly telling everyone you’re fine when you’re not. This is about your parents leaving you alone for days when they should be there for you. And it’s about you lying to your therapist. You should tell her at least the truth about being alone. Also you don’t have to be so cranky, you know exactly I won’t let you talk to me like that. I’m trying to help you, okay?

_(10:51am) Sometimes I really hate you_

(10:51am) But you know I’m right.

_(10:52am) Ugh._

(10:53am) I just want you to get better. After what happened those last few months, I’m really worried about you.

_(10:53am) But I’m already doing a lot better_

_(10:54am) I’m clean again and today I got to pick up medication to help with my anxiety and with my insomnia_

_(10:54am) I’m fine_

(10:55am) I know, okay? I know you’re doing a lot better and you really worked hard on it and I’m not at all trying to diminish your successes, because I’m really proud of you, believe me! I just want you to be safe. You said yourself that you’re scared of being alone for five days and that’s completely okay. You need to set limits. If you say you don’t need the clinic okay, but if you say you’re scared to be alone for five days then you need to do something against it. Tell your parents, tell your therapist, tell someone who can help you with it. You know I’m there for you as good as I can, but I can’t give you the support you need. I have no idea what’s happening over there. I only know what you decide to share and I know that there are lots of things you leave out. So just please get the help you need. You know it’s nothing shameful to ask for help and accept it.

_(10:56am) …_

_(10:56am) I know it’s not shameful to ask for help but… like what do you want me to do? I’m 18. Do you really think anyone’s gonna take me seriously if I tell them I can’t even be on my own for five days_

(10:57am) Remus, please. If your therapist really does not take your fears and worries seriously, then you need to get a new one okay? I know a lot of people who are older than you and can’t be on their own as well. Also this is not just about being alone, this is about your parents ignoring you when you ask for help and abandoning you.

_(10:58am) For the last time, they’re not abandoning me._

(10:59am) Whatever. It’s still not okay to do that. They’re your parents. They know what you’ve gone through. They should be there for you and not leave you alone like that.

_(10:59am) You make them sound like they’re neglecting me. You just say that because you don’t like them_

(11:00am) That’s not true and you know that. I’m saying those things because that’s how I see your parents. I know you love them, okay? I really do. But you can’t ignore the mistakes they make just because they’re your parents.

(11:01am) I’m just really scared something’s gonna happen to you. You’re my best friend and I love you so much and I want you to be safe.

_(11:02am) I know. I love you too._

(11:03am) Just please promise me to message me anytime, okay? No matter what, if there is anything you want to talk about, I’m here for you, okay? – And I’m sure Sirius is too.

_(11:04am) Thank you, Lily. And I promise I will._

(11:05am) Also please do me a favor and talk to your parents about this, okay? Just tell them that they need to take you seriously when you say them that they should not leave you alone.

_(11:05am) Okay._

(11:06am) Good

(11:06am) And you know I didn’t want to start a fight or anything, right? I just want to make sure nothing happens to you

_(11:07am) I know, Lily. It’s okay. You know I appreciate it_

(11:08am) Good.

_(11:08am) So anyway, how’s school going?_

(11:09am) It’s alright. Lots of homework at the moment, but I’m coping

(11:09am) Anyway much more important, how’s your boyfriend?

_(11:09am) For the last time, he’s not my boyfriend._

(11:09am) Suuuuuuure

_(11:09am) I hate you_

(11:10am) Awh is little Remus gonna run to his boyfriend now and tell him how mean I am :(

_(11:11am) You’re the worst_

(11:11am) I know

 

_May 7 th _

_(10:23am) Oh my god_

(10:23am) What?

_(10:24am) I told you I got medication yesterday, right?_

_(10:24pm) Those sleeping pills completely knocked me out for a solid twelve hours_

_(10:25am) I feel like I’ve been run over by a bulldozer to be honest_

_(10:25am) My therapist warned me about this though, it will be better in a few days_

(10:26am) I’m sorry to hear that. Just take it easy today, yeah?

_(10:27am) I will, thank you_

_(10:27am) How was school?_

(10:28am) We had a pop quiz in math and I totally aced it

_(10:29am) Of course you did_

_(10:29am) You’re a genius_

(10:30am) I’m not

(10:30am) Math is just my strong subject

_(10:31am) As is English AND geography AND history AND physics AND Spanish AND chemistry_

(10:31am) That’s not true I’m not that good in chemistry

_(10:31am) Still better than me_

(10:32am) Yeah, well, but that’s not that hard

_(10:32am) Ouch_

_(10:32am) Rude_

(10:33am) I swear to god one day I will kick Sirius’ butt. This whole ‘rude’ thing is so annoying

_(10:33am) Rude_

(10:34am) Oh my god

(10:34am) I’m done talking to you

_(10:34am) Rude_

(10:35am) BYE

~

(3:07pm) Don’t take this personal okay but BOYS ARE ASSHOLES

_(3:08pm) What happened?_

(3:09pm) You remember that guy I told you about from my biology class?

_(3:10pm) The one with the weird name?_

(3:11pm) Your name is Remus and your boyfriend’s name is Sirius you have absolutely no right to judge other people’s names

(3:11pm) But yes, I’m talking about Severus

_(3:12pm) For the thousandth time he’s not my boyfriend_

(3:12pm) Yeah keep believing that

(3:12pm) Anyway

(3:12pm) So you know I told you Severus likes me right? So we went out a few times and I really thought he was a nice guy. But there is like this group of guys going around and they’re like really terrible people, like they’re extremely racist and anti-Semitic and also super proud of that. And Severus started to hang out with them and I told him I cannot accept this and that he has to make a choice, either them or me. And today he was hanging out with them again and the things they were talking about… They’re not even trying to talk about it in private, it’s like they want everyone to know what kind of sick believes they have.

_(3:13pm) Oh wow that sounds horrible_

_(3:13pm) What an ass!_

(3:14pm) I know, right?

(3:14pm) Like, last time I checked it was 2015, what the fuck is wrong with them?

_(3:15pm) Come back to America_

(3:15pm) Yeah, right, because everyone’s SO NICE over there right

_(3:16pm) No, but at least you’ll have me_

(3:16pm) You better come here, then you have me AND Sirius

_(3:17pm) True_

_(3:17pm) We’ll just kick out Severus_

(3:18pm) Sounds like a plan

(3:18pm) Speaking of plans though

(3:18pm) Do you know if you’re allowed to come over this summer yet? I mean I’m probably gonna come home for a while anyway, but it would still be awesome if you could come. Especially for your little boyfriend

_(3:18pm) He’s not my boyfriend_

_(3:18pm) Also I don’t know yet. If it doesn’t get worse again, chances are good though_

(3:19pm) Awesome

(3:19pm) I gotta go now though, I have some more studying to do

(3:19pm) I’ll text you tomorrow again, okay?

_(3:20pm) Sure, have a nice evening and a good day at school_

(3:21pm) Thank you, enjoy the rest of your day, I love you xx

_(3:21pm) Love you too_

_May 8 th_

_(11:14am) Is it possible to seriously damage your throat by snorting violently?_

(11:16am) What…

(11:16am) How do you even get in a situation where this is a legitimate concern?

_(11:18am) Sirius’ jokes…_

(11:18am) Ahh

(11:18am) What was it this time?

_(11:19am) What’s on the bottom of the ocean and shivers?_

_(11:19am) A nervous wreck_

(11:20am) Oh my god

(11:20am) Where does he get these they’re hilarious

_(11:21am) No they’re not, they’re stupid_

(11:21am) Shush

_(11:22am) No_

(11:22am) Tell him I think he’s funny

_(11:23am) I definitely will not tell him this_

_(11:23am) He doesn’t need even more encouragement_

(11:24am) Just because you have no sense of humor

_(11:24am) I do_

(11:24am) I’ve known you for almost three years

(11:25am) And I can tell you, you do not have a sense of humor

_(11:25am) Rude_

(11:25am) Oh, will you finally shut up with this

_(11:25am) …_

_(11:25am) Now you know how I feel about his jokes_

(11:25am) Alright, alright. I got it.

(11:26am) Anyway, stupid stuff aside, how are you?

_(11:26am) I’m okay. I mean with the meds I can finally sleep, which really helps a lot. How about you?_

(11:26am) Sounds great

(11:26am) I’m alright too. Had a lot of homework today, but I’m done with most of it. Only got an essay left to finish. But I will do that tomorrow or on Sunday because I’m going out with some friends tonight

_(11:27am) Nice_

(11:28am) Yeah. What are your plans for the rest of the day?

_(11:29am) I don’t really have any. Probably watch a movie or read a little._

(11:30am) Don’t you wanna go somewhere? From what you tell me, I feel like you barely leave the house.

_(11:31am) Well, where am I supposed to go? You’re gone and all the other people I know are drug addicts or dealers. Or in jail. Can’t really hang out with them._

(11:32am) That’s true.

(11:32am) Boy you have some fucked up friends.

_(11:33am) I know, right? I mean you really are crazy._

(11:33am) Oh, yeah sure out of all your friends I’m the fucked up one.

_(11:33am) Definitely_

(11:34am) Seriously though, you really need some normal friends.

_(11:34am) I know. But how am I supposed to meet new people if I literally have no life outside the house except for therapy?_

(11:35am) I don’t know

_(11:35am) There you go_

(11:36am) I’m sure it’ll get better though. Once you go to college or go work somewhere, you will meet new people.

_(11:37am) Yeah… IF I will ever be ready for this._

(11:38am) I’m sure you will. You can do this

_(11:38am) Ah, yes, of course. Me, aka the guy who once cried because he was overwhelmed with ordering Starbucks, going to college. I don’t see what could go wrong there._

(11:39am) I can’t believe you’re still beating yourself up over this.

_(11:40am) It was so pathetic, even for me_

(11:41am) Come on, you were going through a very hard time. It’s completely understandable.

_(11:42am) It’s not. I still don’t know how you managed not to laugh_

(11:42am) Why would I have laughed? Do you have any idea how worried I was about you?

(11:42am) This was like just a few days after you had told me about the drugs and the self-harm and the other things that had happened to you. Believe me, laughing at you for not being able to cope with a situation was the last thing on my mind.

_(11:42am) I still think it was pathetic though_

(11:43am) Shush

(11:43am) It wasn’t pathetic

_(11:44am) Agree to disagree_

(11:44am) You’re being too harsh on yourself

_(11:44am) I’m not. Now shut up about it._

(11:44am) Fine

(11:44am) I have to go and get ready now anyway.

_(11:45am) Alright_

(11:45am) I’ll text you later or tomorrow again, okay?

_(11:45am) Sure_

(11:45am) Take care xxx

_(11:45am) You too_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked the chapter (: Comments and constructive criticism are very appreciated


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When you read the chapter you will come across a link and somehow I could NOT get it to work that it opens in a new tab. I'm sorry, but I have no idea what I did wrong.

_May 29 th_

_(4:08pm) I would like to inform Mr. Sirius Black that a very excited R. Lupin will be flying to England in the summer of 2015 and will, together with his friend Lily Evans, annoy the shit out of him for a couple of days. Please make sure you are prepared for this event_

**_(4:10pm) HOLY SHIT_ **

**_(4:10pm) ARE YOU FOR REAL_ **

_(4:11pm) YES_

_(4:11pm) I just had a talk with my therapist and my parents and they said since it’s been going very well lately there is no reason why I shouldn’t be able to come to England this summer – as long as nothing bad happens in the meantime of course_

**_(4:12pm) OH MY GOD_ **

**_(4:12pm) This is amazing!!!_ **

_(4:12pm) I know, right?!?! I can’t wait!!_

**_(4:13pm) Holy shit_ **

**_(4:13pm) I can’t believe it oh my god_ **

**_(4:13pm) I’m so excited!_ **

_(4:14pm) Me too_

**_(4:15pm) So do you already know when you’re gonna come?_ **

_(4:15pm) No, not yet. I will have to talk to Lily and see when she has time. But I’ll tell you as son as possible, alright?_

**_(4:15pm) Yeah, that’s alright_ **

_May 30 th _

_(1:46am) I know it’s early at your place, but are you up yet?_

**_(1:47am) Well, I am now_ **

_(1:47am) I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you up._

**_(1:47am) It’s okay. I forgot to mute my phone_ **

**_(1:47am) So what’s up? Why aren’t you sleeping?_ **

_(1:48am) I don’t know. I’m not feeling very well_

_(1:48am) I took my meds and I’m very tired, but I can’t fall asleep_

_(1:48am) I just feel so terrible about myself_

**_(1:49am) I’m so sorry about that. Can I do anything to help you? Do you want to vent?_ **

_(1:50am) I don’t know. I just really hate myself a lot right now_

**_(1:50am) I’m so sorry you feel like that. You’re a great guy and I love you a lot, okay? If I can do anything to help you, please tell me._ **

_(1:51am) Thank you_

_(1:51am) There’s not anything anyone could do though. I’ll just have to stick through until it passes_

**_(1:52am) Put on a nice movie or something and treat yourself nicely, okay? I love you._ **

_(1:52am) I love you too_

**_(1:54am) If I told you a joke would that cheer you up?_ **

_(1:54am) …_

_(1:54am) That depends very much on the quality of the joke_

**_(1:54am) My jokes are always amazing, so I take that as a yes_ **

**_(1:55am) A man goes to the hospital with 6 plastic horses up his bum_ **

**_(1:55am) The doctor described his condition as stable_ **

_(1:56am) Oh god_

**_(1:56am) Admit it, you love it_ **

_(1:57am) No_

_(1:57am) I’m gonna go now. You are terrible_

**_(1:57am) Nooooooo_ **

_(1:58am) Yes_

**_(1:59am) Fine :( But let me know if you need anything, alright?_ **

_(1:59am) Sure_

**_(1:59am) Alright. I hope you can sleep soon_ **

_(2:00am) Thanks_

_~_

_(12:24pm) When is your summer vacation? And are there any dates that you won’t be around?_

**_(12:25pm) My holidays are from July 11 th to August 31st _ **

**_(12:25pm) And no, I’m around all the time_ **

_(12:25pm) Great_

_(12:26pm) Would around end of July / beginning of August be alright for you?_

**_(12:26pm) Yeah, that sounds good_ **

_(12:26pm) Awesome. I’ll talk to Lily again and tell you when I know the exact dates_

**_(12:26pm) Cool_ **

**_~_ **

_(1:47pm) I have a question…_

**_(1:48pm) Yeah?_ **

_(1:48pm) It’s totally okay if you say no though._

**_(1:48pm) Just ask_ **

_(1:49pm) Well… I was talking to Lily again and she’s planning on taking the same flight back to NY as me, so she can go back home for a while and see her parents again and stuff  
And… because me and her are going to spend time together in NY anyway… she asked if maybe instead of staying at her place and come to visit you… I would want to stay at your place and she’d come to visit instead. So you and I could spend more time together. And I just wanted to ask what you think about it. If you don’t want to, that’s okay._

**_(1:50pm) Are you kidding me?_ **

**_(1:50pm) Of course!!_ **

**_(1:50pm) I mean, only if you want to._ **

_(1:51pm) Of course_

**_(1:51pm) Awesome!!!_ **

_(1:51pm) You should probably ask your family first though_

**_(1:52pm) Oh_ **

**_(1:52pm) Hold on._ **

**_(1:57pm) Mom says as long as you’re not a 50 y/o pervert it’s okay_ **

_(1:58pm) What if I’m an 85 y/o one?_

**_(1:58pm) She didn’t say anything about that, so I guess it’s okay_ **

_(1:58pm) Awesome_

_(1:58pm) So which airport should I fly to?_

**_(1:59pm) Gatwick_ **

_(1:59pm) Alright. I’ll look up some flights and let you know when I find good ones to see if those are okay for you, yeah?_

**_(2:00pm) Yeah, that’s okay¨_ **

**_(2:00pm) So how long are you gonna stay?_ **

_(2:01pm) I thought maybe a week? If that’s too long though, or if it gets awkward or something I can still stay with Lily._

**_(2:01pm) Why would it be awkward?_ **

_(2:01pm) I don’t know_

_(2:01pm) I just thought because it’s the first time we meet and it COULD be awkward or something_

**_(2:02pm) It won’t be_ **

**_(2:02pm) It’s gonna be awesome_ **

_(2:03pm) Hopefully_

**_(2:03pm) Of course it will_ **

**_(2:03pm) What are you afraid of?_ **

**_(2:03pm) I promise I’m not a pervert_ **

_(2:04pm) It’s not that_

_(2:04pm) It’s just that the past 18 years of my life proved that people usually don’t like me and get annoyed by me very quickly._

**_(2:04pm) I like you_ **

**_(2:04pm) And let’s be real, between the two of us, I’m definitely the annoying one_ **

_(2:05pm) …_

_(2:05pm) Still_

**_(2:06pm) It won’t be awkward. Don’t worry about it, Remus_ **

_(2:06pm) I’ll try_

**_(2:07pm) :D_ **

_(2:07pm) Don’t_

**_(2:07pm) What did I do?_ **

_(2:08pm) I don’t like that emoticon_

**_(2:08pm) Why not? It’s happy_ **

_(2:09pm) It looks weird_

**_(2:09pm) D:_ **

_(2:09pm) Oh god_

_(2:09pm) This is even worse_

**_(2:10pm) Rude D:_ **

_(2:10pm) I changed my mind I won’t come visit you_

**_(2:11pm) D:_ **

_(2:11pm) Bye_

**_(2:11pm) D:_ **

**_~_ **

**_(8:48pm) REMUS_ **

_(8:48pm) That’s me_

**_(8:49pm) HEY_ **

_(8:49pm) Hey_

**_(8:50pm) MOM & DAD ARENT HOME SO ME AND PRONGS R DRINKING_ **

_(8:50pm) Uh… congrats?_

**_(8:50pm) THANK U_ **

_(8:51pm) Why do you always type in capital letters when you’re drinking_

**_(8:52pm) BECAUSE I’M EXCITED_ **

_(8:52pm) Can’t you be excited without shouting at me_

**_(8:53pm) D:_ **

_(8:53pm) Ugh not this again_

**_(8:53pm) D:_ **

_(8:53pm) Bye_

**_(8:54pm) NO_ **

**_(8:54pm) ILL STOP_ **

_(8:54pm) Will you also turn off caps lock?_

**_(8:54pm) fine_ **

_(8:55pm) Thank you_

**_(8:58pm) did u know taht female penguins engage in prostitution?_ **

_(8:59pm) …?!_

_(8:59pm) How much exactly did you drink?_

**_(9:00pm) i’m being serious (hah)_ **

**_(9:00pm) really tho_ **

_(9:00pm) I will need an explanation and a source before I believe this_

**_(9:01pm) female penguins will exchange sexual favours with males that aren’t their mates to get pebbles that they can use to build nests for their babies_ **

**_(9:01pm) and I don’t remember where I read this but u can google it_ **

_(9:02pm) Yeah, no, I don’t think I really want to know where you saw this_

**_(9:03pm) also did u know that male ducks have corkscrew shaped penises_ **

_(9:04pm) Oh how did I live my life not knowing this_

**_(9:05pm) also there is a youtube video of a dolphin masturbating with a beheaded fish_ **

**_(9:05pm) do u want the link_ **

_(9:06pm) NO_

**_(9:08pm)<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ownANj8dKcQ>_**

_(9:08pm) I’m not gonna watch this_

**_(9:09pm) do it_ **

_(9:09pm) No_

**_(9:10pm) come on!!!_ **

_(9:10pm) Forget it_

**_(9:10pm) we both know u want it_ **

_(9:10pm) I don’t know what stuff YOU are into, but I definitely do NOT want to watch a dolphin masturbating_

**_(9:11pm) yes u do_ **

_(9:12pm) No_

**_(9:12pm) WATCH IT_ **

_(9:12pm) Why would I watch something like that?_

**_(9:13pm) it’s funny_ **

_(9:14pm) It’s disturbing_

**_(9:15pm) watch it_ **

**_(9:15pm) do it for me_ **

**_(9:1(5pm) pls_ **

_(9:16pm) No way_

**_(9:17pm) :(_ **

**_(9:17pm) if u would rlly love me u would watch it :(_ **

_(9:18pm) No_

**_(9:18pm) why dont u love me remus_ **

_(9:18pm) Shut up_

**_(9:19pm) ure so cruel remus :( u break my heart_ **

_(9:20pm) You are such a drama queen_

**_(9:21pm) :(_ **

**_(9:21pm) my heart is broken_ **

**_(9:23pm) so broken_ **

_(9:23pm) Oh my god_

_(9:23pm) If I watch the stupid video will you stop being so dramatic_

**_(9:23pm) yes_ **

_(9:24pm) Fine_

**_(9:24pm) :D_ **

_(9:26pm) I am so disturbed right now_

_(9:26pm) I can’t believe you made me watch this_

_(9:26pm) Also what did I say about that emoticon_

**_(9:27pm) its funny admit it_ **

_(9:27pm) It’s disturbing_

_(9:27pm) I will never be able to look at dolphins the same again_

**_(9:28pm) come on_ **

**_(9:28pm) it’s not that bad_ **

**_(9:28pm) everybody masturbates_ **

_(9:29pm) No_

**_(9:29pm) yes_ **

**_(9:29pm) i don’t know anyone who doesn’t_ **

_(9:29pm) Me, for once_

**_(9:30pm) liar_ **

_(9:30pm) Why would I lie about that_

**_(9:31pm) i dont know_ **

**_(9:31pm) why do u_ **

_(9:32pm) I don’t. It makes me feel dysphoric_

**_(9:33pm) oh_ **

**_(9:33pm) i’m sorry about that_ **

_(9:33pm) You don’t have to be._

**_(9:33pm) but ure missing out so much_ **

_(9:33pm) Okaaaay and that’s where we change the subject_

**_(9:33pm) why_ **

_(9:34pm) Because I don’t know why we’re talking about this in the first place_

**_(9:34pm) fine_ **

**_(9:24pm) do u wanna hear more animal facts_ **

_(9:25pm) Definitely not_

**_(9:25pm) awh_ **

**_(9:25pm) do u wanna hear a joke instead_ **

_(9:26pm) … fine_

**_(9:26pm) what does miley cyrus eat on thanksgiving_ **

**_(9:26pm) twerkey!_ **

_(9:27pm) Oh god_

_(9:27pm) This is horrible_

**_(9:27pm) no its not_ **

**_(9:27pm) im still laughing_ **

_(9:28pm) Well yeah, but you’re drunk and have no sense of humor_

**_(9:29pm) rude_ **

**_(9:29pm) i have a great sense of humour_ **

_(9:30pm) No, you don’t_

**_(9:31pm) ure so cruel_ **

_(9:32pm) Not this again_

**_(9:32pm) u break my heart remus_ **

_(9:33pm) You are so terrible I swear to god_

**_(9:33pm) don’t break my heart_ **

**_(9:33pm) my achy breaky heart_ **

_(9:34pm) NO_

_(9:34pm) LEAVE_

**_(9:35pm) those werent even the correct lyrics_ **

_(9:35pm) I DON’T CARE YOU ARE THE WORST_

**_(9:35pm) why u gotta be so rude_ **

_(9:36pm) THIS FRIENDSHIP IS OVER_

_(9:36pm) GOODNYE_

**_(9:36pm) DID U SAY NYE_ **

_(9:36pm) NONONONO THAT WAS A TYPO_

**_(9:37pm) BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY_ **

_(9:38pm) STOP_

**_(9:38pm) BILL BILL BILL BILL BILL BILL_ **

_(9:38pm) I’m sobbing oh my god I hate you_

**_(9:38pm) BILL BILL BILL BILL BILL_ **

_(9:39pm) I’m begging you to stop_

**_(9:39pm) but bill_ **

_(9:39pm) No_

**_(9:34pm) but_ **

_(9:34pm) Just go to sleep_

**_(9:34pm) its still early tho_ **

_(9:35pm) It’s definitely past your bedtime_

**_(9:35pm) no_ **

_(9:35pm) Go to sleep_

**_(9:36pm) NEVER_ **

_(9:36pm) Fine._

_(9:36pm) Then I will leave_

**_(9:36pm) NOOOOOOOO_ **

**_(9:37pm) u can’t leave me_ **

_(9:37pm) You have Prongs_

**_(9:37pm) :(_ **

**_(9:37pm) ure not allowed to leave me tho_ **

_(9:38pm) No?_

**_(9:38pm) never_ **

_(9:39pm) I have to go take a shower though_

**_(9:39pm) u can do that tomorrow_ **

_(9:39pm) But I want to do it now_

**_(9:40pm) r u gonna come back afterwards_ **

_(9:41pm) Probably_

**_(9:41pm) ok_ **

**_(9:49pm) prongs is having a phone call with someone so i’m gonna tell u some jokes_ **

**_(9:49pm) what did the perverted frog say?_ **

**_(9:49pm) rubbit!_ **

**_(9:50pm) what did the fish say when he swam into a wall?_ **

**_(9:50pm) dam!_ **

**_(9:51pm) who’s bigger, mr. bigger or mr. biggers baby?_ **

**_(9:51pm) the baby bc shes a little bigger!!!_ **

_(9:53pm) S t o p_

**_(9:54pm) ure back!!_ **

_(9:54pm) Yes, but I already regret it_

**_(9:55pm) whats brown and rhymes with snoop_ **

**_(9:55pm) dr dre_ **

_(9:56pm) Christ_

_(9:56pm) What do I have to do to make you shut up?_

**_(9:57pm) oh i would know a few things there_ **

**_(9:57pm) if u know what i mean_ **

_(9:57pm) Oh_

_(9:58pm) Oh god_

_(9:58pm) You need to stop drinking_

**_(9:59pm) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_ **

_(10:00pm) Not this again_

**_(10:00pm) yes_ **

_(10:00pm) You need to be stopped_

**_(10:01pm) no i dont_ **

**_(10:01pm) im an enrichment to everyones life_ **

_(10:02pm) Not when you’re drunk_

**_(10:02pm) ESPECIALLY when i’m drunk_ **

_(10:02pm) On behalf of everyone: NO_

**_(10:02pm) rude :(_ **

_(10:03pm) Shut up_

**_(10:03pm) well u know what u have to do ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_ **

_(10:03pm) No_

**_(10:03pm) :(_ **

_(10:04pm) Go to sleep_

**_(10:05pm) are u gonna give me a goodnight kiss_ **

_(10:05pm) S t o p_

**_(10:05pm) but i want one_ **

_(10:06pm) No_

**_(10:06pm) please_ **

_(10:06pm) Stop_

_(10:06pm) Honestly_

**_(10:06pm) i’m sorry_ **

_(10:07pm) It’s okay_

**_(10:07pm) are u mad at me now_ **

_(10:07pm) No_

**_(10:08pm) i didn’t want to make u uncomfortable_ **

_(10:08pm) It’s okay, Sirius_

**_(10:08pm) really_ **

**_(10:09pm) i don’t want u to hate me_ **

_(10:09pm) As if I could ever hate you_


	10. Chapter 10

_May 31 st _

**_(5:54am) I’m really sorry about last night, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, okay?_ **

_~_

_(8:46am) I told you, it’s okay_

**_(8:47am) I feel bad though_ **

**_(8:47am) I’m sorry_ **

_(8:47am) You don’t have to be_

**_(8:47am) Are you sure?_ **

_(8:48am) Yes, Sirius_

**_(8:48am) Thank you_ **

_(8:48am) You don’t have to thank me_

_(8:48am) Anyway_

_(8:49am) Would it be okay for you if I came from July 28 th to August 5th?_

**_(8:50am) It should be alright, but I have to ask Mom_ **

**_(8:50am) Hold on a moment_ **

_(8:50am) Okay_

**_(8:55am) Do you already know what time your flight would arrive?_ **

_(8:56am) 2:15pm_

**_(9:00am) Okay, so, there’s a small problem_ **

**_(9:00am) Mom says we probably won’t be able to pick you up at the airport, because she has an important appointment earlier that day and we wouldn’t make it in time. If you want to, you could take the train from Gatwick to Guildford and we could pick you up there on the way home. Or, you can wait at the airport, but we probably wouldn’t make it there until like a quarter past four_ **

_(9:02am) Oh, that’s okay. I can take the train._

**_(9:02am) You sure?_ **

_(9:02am) Yeah._

**_(9:03am) Awesome_ **

_(9:04am) So, like I said, July 28 th at 2:15pm I would arrive at Gatwick airport. And on August 5th my plane leaves at 7:30pm. Is that okay?_

**_(9:07am) Yeah, that’s fine. Mom says we will definitely drop you off at the airport on the 5 th _ **

_(9:08am) That’s really nice_

_(9:08am) So I guess I’ll go tell my parents so they can book the flights_

**_(9:09am) Oh my god_ **

**_(9:09am) I can’t believe you’re really gonna come here_ **

**_(9:09am) Also so soon!!!!!!_ **

**_(9:09am) 58 days!_ **

_(9:10am) Oh my god stop_

_(9:10am) I’m so excited!_

**_(9:11am) Me too_ **

**_(9:11am) It’s gonna be so awesome!_ **

_(9:11am) Yes!!_

_~_

_(9:45am) Flights are booked!_

**_(9:46am) AHHHH_ **

_(9:46am) I know, right?!?!?!_

**_(9:46am) Just so you know, I screamed out loud for real and Prongs hit me_ **

_(9:46am) Rude_

**_(9:47am) Very_ **

**_(9:47am) You might not meet him because apart from hitting me he’s also being really annoying and if he continues acting like that I will kill him before you get here_ **

_(9:48am) What’s he doing?_

**_(9:49am) He’s making fun of me for being excited about you coming over_ **

_(9:49am) Aw, poor you_

**_(9:50am) I know right_ **

**_(9:50am) He should appreciate me more_ **

**_(9:50am) I’m the light of his life_ **

_(9:51am) I wouldn’t go quite that far_

**_(9:51am) Excuse you_ **

**_(9:51am) Of course I am_ **

**_(9:51am) My presence in anyone’s life is a god given gift_ **

_(9:52am) I see sobering up hasn’t made you any less dramatic_

**_(9:53am) I’m not being dramatic, I’m being honest_ **

_(9:54am) Of course_

**_(9:54am) Are you calling me a liar_ **

_(9:54am) I ain’t calling you a truther_

**_(9:55am) YES_ **

**_(9:55am) YOU SAW THE CHANCE AND YOU TOOK IT_ **

_(9:55am) Of course I did_

**_(9:56am) I applaud you_ **

_(9:56am) Thank you_

_(9:56am) I have to go now though. Mom is forcing me to go to the gym with her again_

**_(9:57am) Oh, alright. Have fun_ **

_(9:57am) Pretty sure I won’t, but thank you_

**_(9:58am) You’re welcome_ **

**_~_ **

_(11:48am) I’m dead_

**_(11:48am) Again?_ **

_(11:49am) Yes._

**_(11:49am) Oh no_ **

**_(11:49am) Was it that bad?_ **

_(11:50am) Yes_

_(11:50am) Exercising is the worst_

**_(11:51am) Poor you_ **

_(11:52am) But we’re grocery shopping now so I’m trying to get my mom to buy me some chocolate_

**_(11:52am) Good luck with that_ **

_(11:52am) Thank you_

_(11:59am) I only got one chocolate bar :(_

**_(12:00pm) Aww_ **

_(12:02pm) I need to stock up my room again_

_(12:02pm) I’m all out of chocolate_

_(12:02pm) Send help_

**_(12:03pm) I’m on my way_ **

**_(12:03pm) With all the chocolate_ **

_(12:04pm) Thank you_

_(12:04pm) You’re my savior_

**_(12:05pm) You’re very welcome_ **

**_~_ **

_(4:37pm) Hey are you there?_

_(4:40pm) Please text me back as soon as you see this, okay?_

_(4:45pm) Please_

_~_

**_(5:56pm) I’m so sorry, I was at the cinema with Prongs_ **

**_(5:56pm) Are you there? What’s wrong?_ **

_~_

**_(6:21pm) I really hope you’re okay! Text me please_ **

_~_

_(6:47pm) Hey_

**_(6:49pm) Remus!_ **

**_(6:49pm) I’m so sorry I wasn’t there!_ **

_(6:50pm) You don’t have to apologize, I can’t expect you to be on your phone 24/7_

**_(6:50pm) What happened?_ **

_(6:51pm) It’s alright. I’m sorry I worried you_

**_(6:51pm) Please tell me_ **

_(6:52pm) Never mind. It’s not important_

**_(6:52pm) Remus…_ **

_(6:53pm) I mean it. Don’t worry_

**_(6:54pm) Whenever you do that – asking for help and then suddenly change your mind – it worries me even more_ **

**_(6:54pm) Just tell me what happened_ **

_(6:54pm) I’m sorry I texted you in the first place, okay_

_(6:54pm) Just don’t worry_

**_(6:55pm) That’s not that easy_ **

_(6:56pm) I’m sorry, okay? Don’t worry. I’m gonna go now_

**_(6:56pm) … fine_ **

**_(6:56pm) But promise to text me if you change your mind_ **

_(6:57pm) Sure_

**_(6:57pm) Take care, yeah?_ **

****

_June 1 st _

**_(1:48am) I hope you’re alright, Remus. I’m here if you need me_ **

**_~_ **

**_(11:13am) You there?_ **

_(11:16am) Yeah_

**_(11:16am) How are you?_ **

_(11:16am) I’m fine_

**_(11:17am) You sure?_ **

_(11:17am) Yeah_

**_(11:17am) Okay. I’m here if you need me though, alright?_ **

_(11:18am) Thank you_

_~_

**_(3:46pm) You’ve been awfully quiet today_ **

**_(3:46pm) Are you sure you’re alright?_ **

_(3:47pm) For the last time, Sirius, I am fine._

_(3:47pm) How many times do I have to tell you?_

**_(3:48pm) …_ **

**_(3:48pm) Sorry for being worried?!?!_ **

**_~_ **

**_(5:09pm) Are you still mad?_ **

****

_June 2 nd _

**_(2:04am) 56 days!!!_ **

**_~_ **

**_(12:48pm) If I tell you a joke is that gonna cheer you up or make things worse?_ **

**_(12:51pm) …_ **

**_(12:51pm) You’re worrying me, Remus_ **

**_~_ **

**_*unanswered call 1:26pm*_ **

**_(1:28pm) Please message me, okay? Even if it’s just to tell me that you don’t want to talk. I just need to know you’re there_ **

**_~_ **

**_(3:59pm) Message me!!!_ **

**_~_ **

**_*unanswered call 4:16pm*_ **

**_~_ **

**_*unanswered call 5:25pm*_ **

**_~_ **

**_(6:47pm) I love you, okay?_ **

**_~_ **

_(2:25am) I’m sorry, I didn’t meant to worry you_

_(2:25am) I’ve been busy_

**_(2:26am) Oh my god_ **

**_(2:26am) Listen, school is starting in a few but as soon as I get back we need to talk!!!_ **

**_~_ **

**_(11:12am) Where have you been?!?!_ **

_(11:13am) I’m sorry okay I’ve been busy_

**_(11:13am) With what? I’ve been worried!_ **

_(11:14am) Stuff_

_(11:14am) And I told you I’m sorry_

**_(11:15am) Stuff?_ **

_(11:15am) Yes_

**_(11:16am) …_ **

**_(11:16am) Fine, then don’t tell me_ **

**_(11:16am) Are you alright though?_ **

_(11:17am) Yeah, I’m okay_

**_(11:17am) Good._ **

**_~_ **

**_(2:14pm) Why didn’t the melons get married?_ **

**_(2:15pm) Because they cantaloupe!_ **

_(2:18pm) No_

**_(2:18pm) !!!_ **

**_(2:19pm) What did sushi A say to sushi B?_ **

**_(2:19pm) Wasa-B!!!_ **

_(2:20pm) Stop_

**_(2:21pm) Never_ **

_(2:21pm) You’re the worst_

**_(2:22pm) *best_ **

_(2:22pm) No_

**_(2:23pm) *yes_ **

_(2:23pm) Oh my god_

**_(2:24pm) Did you know that slugs have four noses_ **

_(2:25pm) What_

**_(2:26pm) Also did you know that almonds are a member of the peach family?_ **

_(2:26pm) Honestly, where do you get all this stuff from?_

**_(2:27pm) It’s called the internet, mate and it’s a wonderful place_ **

_(2:28pm) Well, yeah, but don’t you have anything better to do than to look up weird facts and bad jokes?_

**_(2:29pm) … I do watch porn sometimes_ **

_(2:29pm) That’s… that’s not what I meant_

**_(2:30pm) Well, in that case no, I don’t_ **

_(2:31pm) Why does this even surprise me?_

**_(2:31pm) I don’t know mate, you’ve known me for months now_ **

**_(2:31pm) Also did you know that pandas cannot tolerate to be without food for more than 5 hours?_ **

_(2:32pm) …_

_(2:32pm) I’m a panda_

**_(2:33pm) Aww_ **

_(2:33pm) Also this reminded me that I still have some pizza left from lunch, be right back_

**_(2:34pm) Alright_ **

_(2:40pm) Whoever first came up with cheese filled crust is my hero_

**_(2:41pm) I never had pizza with cheese filled crust to be honest_ **

_(2:41pm) Oh my god_

_(2:42pm) You have not lived until you had that_

_(2:42pm) You need to go out and get some right now_

**_(2:43pm) I just had dinner like an hour ago_ **

_(2:43pm) Did I fucking stutter_

**_(2:44pm) How about we get some together when you’re here?_ **

_(2:44pm) You’re missing out so much though_

**_(2:45pm) I think I will be able to survive a few more weeks without it_ **

_(2:46pm) Well, if you really think so_

**_(2:46pm) I’m fairly sure_ **

**_~_ **

_June 3 rd_

**_(1:48am) 55 days!_ **

_(1:49am) Yes!_

**_(1:49am) Why aren’t you asleep?!_ **

_(1:50am) I was busy¨_

**_(1:50am) With?_ **

_(1:51am) Binge watching Friends…_

**_(1:52am) Oh my god_ **

**_(1:52am) I’m so disappointed you didn’t invite me_ **

_(1:53am) I’m sorry_

_(1:53am) I’m only on season 5 though so you can join me when I continue tomorrow_

_(1:53am) Or today, actually_

**_(1:54am) Nice_ **

**_(1:54am) I’ll just swim over after school_ **

_(1:55am) Perfect_

**_(1:57am) For real though, I have to go get ready for school now, and you need to go to sleep_ **

**_(1:57am) Talk to you later_ **

_(1:58am) Alright, have a nice day_

**_(1:58am) Thank you. Sleep well_ **

_(1:59am) Thanks_

_~_

_(9:06am) My mom woke me up at like 7am and I just finished doing like a million chores I’m so tired oh my god_

_(9:06am) She just left to go to the gym though (luckily she’s not forcing me to go with her again) so I’m gonna go take a nap_

_~_

**_(11:34am) Oh poor little Remus_ **

**_(11:34am) I’ll come pick you up so your mom can’t force you to do chores anymore_ **

_(11:35am) Awesome_

**_(11:35am) You’re awake! How was your nap?_ **

_(11:35am) Amazing_

**_(11:35am) That’s good to hear_ **

**_(11:35am) On another note though we just got the dates for our exams today and it’s going to be so stressful I think I might die_ **

_(11:36am) Noooo_

**_(11:36am) Mate you died like three times since we know us I think I’m allowed to do it at least once_ **

_(11:36am) Okay .-._

_(11:36am) But you have to resurrect again before I fly over_

**_(11:37am) Sure_ **

_(11:37am) Good._

_~_

**_(2:58pm) Hey_ **

**_(2:58pm) Remus_ **

**_(2:58pm) Hey hey hey_ **

**_(2:58pm) It’s important_ **

**_(2:58pm) Look at your phone!!!_ **

**_(2:58pm) Now!!!_ **

**_(2:59pm) I’m not gonna stop spamming until you answer me_ **

**_(2:59pm) I mean it_ **

**_(2:59pm) I once sent Prongs 347 messages because he ignored me_ **

**_(2:59pm) I will blow up your phone_ **

**_(3:00pm) Come on Remus_ **

**_(3:00pm) Don’t ignore me, my love_ **

**_(3:00pm) Don’t be cruel_ **

_(3:05pm) Oh my god, Sirius_

_(3:05pm) I was in therapy_

_(3:05pm) This better be important_

**_(3:05pm) It is_ **

_(3:05pm) What is it?_

**_(3:06pm) What do you call a cow with no legs?_ **

_(3:07pm) No_

_(3:07pm) If you answer this question I swear to god I will end you_

**_(3:08pm) … are we a little grumpy today?_ **

_(3:08pm) Shut up_

**_(3:09pm) I’m guessing that means yes_ **

**_~_ **

**_(5:10pm) The answer is ground beef, by the way_ **

_(5:11pm) I hate you so much_

_June 4th_

**_(1:58am) Good morning my precious Remus, it is a new day, the sun is shining and the birds are singing_ **

_(1:58am) It’s 2am so shut the hell up and go to school_

**_(1:58am) So grumpy_ **

**_~_ **

**_(11:54am) Are you still in a bad mood?_ **

_(11:54am) Yes_

**_(11:54am) Anything I can do to help?_ **

_(11:54am) If you wanna come over and rip out my uterus that would be very helpful_

**_(11:55am) Oh_ **

**_(11:55am) I’m sorry :(_ **

_(11:55am) It’s okay. I’m just gonna go and watch a movie or something, alright? Talk to you later._

**_(11:55am) Okay. I hope you feel better soon. Text me if I can help, alright?_ **

_(11:55am) Thank you xxx_

_~_

**_(1:48pm)Remus!!!_ **

**_(1:48pm) I just realized something_ **

**_(1:48pm) You need to read my messages it’s important I swear_ **

**_(1:48pm) I swear it’s not a joke, it’s important!!_ **

**_(1:48pm) Oh my god!!!!!_ **

**_(1:52pm) Will you finally pick up your phone!!!_ **

_(1:55pm) What’s going on?_

**_(1:55pm) I just realized something_ **

_(1:56_ _pm) What?_

**_(1:56pm) You’re a werewolf!_ **

_(1:56pm) What_

**_(1:56pm) Yes!_ **

_(1:56pm) … I need an explanation_

**_(1:57pm) Look_ **

**_(1:57pm) Once a month you get really cranky and angry and it gets all bloody for a few days but then it’s all over and you turn back to normal_ **

_(1:58pm) Oh my god_

_(1:58pm) How do you even think of things like that?_

**_(1:58pm) I don’t know, I guess I’m just a genius_ **

_(1:59pm) You are so weird_

**_(1:59pm) It’s a great idea, just admit it_ **

_(1:59pm) …_

_(1:59pm) Fine_

**_(1:59_ ** **_pm) Yay_ **

**_(1:59pm) Do you feel better, by the way?_ **

_(2:00pm) Ehh_

_(2:00pm) I started getting cramps today so not really_

**_(2:01pm) Are cramps really that bad?_ **

_(2:01pm) When I first started to get my period I regularly had to miss school because I was in so much pain I was barely able to move. So yes, they are._

**_(2:02pm) Oh god_ **

**_(2:02pm) Forever grateful I don’t have to go through this_ **

_(2:02pm) Ugh_

_(2:02pm) I can’t wait to start HRT_

**_(2:03pm) That’s when you start getting testosterone, right?_ **

_(2:03pm) Yes. It stands for hormone replacement therapy_

**_(2:04pm) Oh, okay. Do you already know when you’ll be able to?_ **

_(2:05pm) Not yet. But because of my recent relapses with the drugs, my therapist thinks it’s better if I wait a little longer. She says I will probably be able to start before the end of this year though_

**_(2:05pm) That’s not that much longer though! Are you excited?_ **

_(2:05pm) Very!!!_

**_(2:06pm) Can I ask you something?_ **

**_(2:06pm) I don’t know if it’s inappropriate though, so you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to_ **

_(2:06pm) Shoot_

**_(2:07pm) When did you realize you were trans? I mean… did you like always know it, or…?_ **

_(2:08pm) I didn’t know that I was trans until I was 16. I’ve always had a lot of issues with myself but I never realized that dysphoria was one of them. I just always hated myself and felt uncomfortable being me. But when I started going to therapy and to talk about my issues and to think about them, I realized that I didn’t feel comfortable being a girl. For a while I was questioning if I was maybe a nonbinary gender (I don’t know if you’ve heard about this, if not, just tell me and I can explain) and I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to transition – mainly because I’m really scared of big decisions though. But now I’m sure about my gender and that I want to start HRT as soon as possible_

**_(2:09pm) Oh okay_ **

**_(2:09pm) And no, I haven’t heard of nonbinary genders, what’s that?_ **

_(2:10pm) Well, some people don’t feel strictly male or female. So there are genders outside the binary. There are a lot of them, but some examples are genderfluid – that’s when your gender changes between two or more genders, not necessarily male or female though –, bigender – that’s when you have two genders, either both at the same time, or changing –, trigender – the same as bigender, but with three instead of two genders –, agender – when you don’t have a gender at all – and there’s demigender (demiboy or demigirl for example) when you partly feel as a certain gender and partly as something else – that ‘something else’ might not be specific_

_(2:10pm) There are a lot more, but these are the ones I know best_

**_(2:11pm) Wow_ **

**_(2:11pm) Do you know any nonbinary people?_ **

**_(2:11pm) Sorry if that’s an inappropriate question_ **

_(2:12pm) Uh, no, I don’t. Lily was questioning for a while after she found out about all this stuff, but she still identifies as a girl_

**_(2:12pm) Okay_ **

**_(2:12pm) It really is interesting though. I think I’m gonna do some more research on that stuff_ **

_(2:12pm) Yeah, it’s amazing. I spent so much time reading about all of this._

**_(2:13pm) How did your parents react when you came out to them?_ **

_(2:13pm) Well, at first they weren’t sure about it, because of some other stuff that had happened around that time, but we just sat together and I explained it to them and they also talked to my therapist about it and once they realized that I was serious about this, they took it pretty well. It took them pretty long until they got used to my new name and pronouns – and they still mess up sometimes – but I know they give their best and it really means a lot to me_

**_(2:13pm) But your grandmother doesn’t accept it? I mean because you told me that she still uses your birthname when she was over on your birthday_ **

_(2:14pm) Well, it’s not even that she has anything against it per se, she just pretty much ignores it. I hope that once I start HRT though and start to actually look like a guy, it will get better_

**_(2:15pm) Haven’t you tried just like reminding her about it every time she gets it wrong?_ **

_(2:15pm) I did that for a while, but my parents got mad at me because it’s ‘rude’. Also I don’t see my grandmother that often, so it’s really not that bad._

**_(2:15pm) Oh okay_ **

**_(2:15pm) Thank you for answering my questions by the way. And sorry if some of them were inappropriate, I really didn’t mean to invade your privacy or anything_ **

_(2:16pm) It’s okay, really. You can ask whenever you have questions. I will tell you if I don’t want to answer something_

**_(2:17pm) You really don’t mind?_ **

_(2:17pm) Not at all_

**_(2:18pm) … because I do have some more questions_ **

_(2:18pm) Go ahead_

**_(2:19pm) Thank you!!!_ **

**_(2:20pm) So like… when you start HRT, what will it do exactly?_ **

_(2:21pm) Basically I will go through a second puberty – just this time the male version of it. My voice will get deeper, my facial structure will change slightly, I will grow facial hair and more body hair, my period will stop, my proportions will change and stuff like that_

**_(2:22pm) That’s amazing. And… your chest? I mean… are your breasts like gonna get smaller or something?_ **

_(2:22pm) No. But there’s surgery, which I’m probably gonna get next year._

**_(2:23pm) Oh, okay. And like… you know, your genitalia?_ **

_(2:23pm) I’d rather not talk about that_

**_(2:24pm) Of course. I’m sorry_ **

_(2:24pm) It’s alright_

**_(2:25pm) Can I ask something else though?_ **

_(2:25pm) Sure_

**_(2:25pm) Are you attracted to guys or to girls? And like… did that change when you realized you were trans?_ **

_(2:26pm) I’m bisexual and no, it didn’t change_

**_(2:26pm) Oh alright_ **

**_(2:26pm) Thank you so much for answering my questions!!_ **

_(2:26pm) No problem, really_

_(2:27pm) I have to go now though, I’ve got some chores to do_

**_(2:27pm) Okay, talk to you later!_ **

_(2:27pm) Bye_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the nice comments!!! Reading them is honestly the highlight of my day. <3<3<3


	11. Chapter 11

_June 28 th  _

**_(4:48am) Only one more month, Remus!!_ **

**_(4:48am) Also sorry I’ve been quiet lately, exams are very stressful and I’ve been busy with studying. They’ll be over soon though, alright?_ **

**_(4:48am) I hope you’ll have a nice day!_ **

**_~_ **

**_(11:25am) I just spent like three hours studying maths and I still don’t get anything, I’m gonna be so fucked tomorrow_ **

**_~_ **

**_(1:31pm) You’re awfully quiet today._ **

**_(1:31pm) Are you alright?_ **

**_~_ **

_(2:03pm) I’m alright, sorry I didn’t message you. I had a fight with my parents this morning, because they’re going to Wisconsin for a week and I turned my phone off afterwards because I didn’t want to talk to anyone for a while_

**_(2:03pm) Oh, okay. I’m here for you if you want to talk about it though._ **

_(2:03pm) Thank you._

**_(2:03pm) Anytime_ **

**_(2:04pm) Apart from the fight with your parents, how are you doing?_ **

_(2:04pm) Oh, I’m fine, just pretty tired. Therapy has been exhausting lately and I picked up career counseling again. They want me to try and find a part time job or something like that after summer, so I can work somewhere for two or three days a week. You know, to slowly start getting back to something._

**_(2:05pm) And how do you feel about that?_ **

_(2:06pm) I don’t know… I mean, I really do want to start doing something again, but I’m also scared I won’t be able to cope with it._

**_(2:06pm) I’m sure you can do it! If you find something that you will like to do, it’s gonna be fine._ **

_(2:06pm) Thank you_

**_(2:07pm) No problem_ **

**_(2:07pm) I have to go now though, Wormtail is helping me with history. I’ll text you again tomorrow, okay?_ **

_(2:07pm) Sure. Good luck with studying and have a nice rest of the day!_

**_(2:08pm) Thanks!_ **

_June 29 th _

_(12:09pm) Good luck for your exams!!!_

_~_

**_(1:47am) Thank you! I really need it._ **

_~_

_(3:18pm) Reason number 34874 why you shouldn’t let me leave the house on my own: I planned on getting a coffee and ended up buying four new books and a blanket_

_(3:18pm) Totally worth it though, this is the softest blanket existing_

_June 30 th_

**_(2:11am) I’m so sorry I didn’t message you back yesterday! I had a really stressful day at school and a lot more studying to do when I got home. Enjoy your books and blanket and have a nice day, alright? I promise I’ll message you when I get back from school._ **

**_~_ **

_(8:47am) Don’t worry about it, I totally get that. Exams are more important right now, take your time and don’t stress yourself about messaging me. I’ll still be here when your exams are over. Good luck, yeah? Xxx_

_~_

**_(8:47pm) Thank you for understanding!_ **

_(8:48pm) Isn’t it like almost 2am at your place? Shouldn’t you be sleeping?_

**_(8:48pm) I just finished studying. I’m on my way to go to sleep now though_ **

_(8:48pm) Alright, sleep well and have a good day tomorrow!_

**_((8:49pm) Thanks. You too!_ **

_July 2 nd _

**_(2:01am) I miss talking to you so much, I can’t wait until exams are over!_ **

**_~_ **

_(7:45am) I miss you too! Hope your exams are going well though._

_~_

_(10:36am) I know you’re still in school, but I just finished therapy and it was really crappy and I feel really exhausted right now and I miss you a lot. I love you, okay?_

_~_

**_(11:41am) I hope you’re feeling better! I love you too and I promise I’ll text you later, okay? I don’t have that much studying to do today._ **

_~_

**_(3:56pm) Hey! Are you there?_ **

_(3:58pm) I’m here_

**_(3:58pm) Yes!_ **

**_(3:58pm) So how are you doing?_ **

_(3:59pm) I’m alright. What about you? How are exams going?_

**_(3:59pm) It’s okay. The worst ones are over. Also only 8 more days until summer holidays and 26 more days until you’ll be here!!!_ **

_(4:00pm) Yes! It’s so close now!_

**_(4:00pm) God, I’m so excited_ **

_(4:00pm) Me too_

**_(4:01pm) I have a joke to tell you_ **

_(4:01pm) Okay_

**_(4:01pm) No protest?_ **

_(4:02pm) It’s been a while since my last dose of bad jokes, so no, no protest_

**_(4:02pm) Who are you and what did you do with Remus?_ **

_(4:02pm) Just tell the stupid joke_

**_(4:02pm) It’s not stupid_ **

**_(4:03pm) A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a Scotch and…………… Coke, thank you.”_  
“Sure thing” the bartender replies and asks “but what’s with the big pause?”  
The panda holds up his hands and says “I was born with them”**

_(4:04pm) Oh my god_

_(4:04pm) Jesus Christ_

_(4:04pm) That was terrible_

**_(4:04pm) And by terrible you mean amazing_ **

_(4:05pm) No_

_(4:05pm) Definitely not_

**_(4:06pm) Fine_ **

**_(4:06pm) I have another one_ **

_(4:07pm) Of course you do_

**_(4:07pm) I went to the zoo the other day and there was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu._ **

_(4:08pm) I don’t know if I should laugh or cry_

**_(4:08pm) Laugh_ **

_(4:10pm) Okay but all jokes aside, I was talking to Lily earlier and she asked if it was okay if she came on Friday – that’s the 1 st – and then we could go to London together. _

**_(4:10pm) Sure, that’s fine. Do you want to go alone with her?_ **

_(4:11pm) No, you can come too._

_(4:11pm) Also James, if he wants to_

**_(4:12pm) Really? It’s okay if you want to spend time with her alone_ **

_(4:12pm) Dude no_

_(4:12pm) I can spend enough time with her alone when she comes to New York_

**_(4:13pm) Don’t ‘dude’ me, mate_ **

_(4:13pm) Don’t ‘mate’ me, pal_

**_(4:14pm) Oh, I will mate you alright ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_ **

_(4:15pm) Oh my god_

_(4:15pm) How did I not see that coming_

**_(4:15pm) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_ **

_(4:16pm) Honestly though, why did you bring the Lenny face back?_

**_(4:16pm) Because how else to I express that ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_ **

_(4:16pm) Just don’t_

**_(4:17pm) But_ **

_(4:17pm) No_

**_(4:18pm) But_ **

_(4:18pm) No_

**_(4:19pm) Butt_ **

**_(4:19pm) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_ **

_(4:20pm) Oh my god_

_(4:20pm) Isn’t it time for you to go to sleep yet?_

**_(4:20pm) Mate it’s 9:20pm_ **

**_(4:20pm) How old do you think I am?_ **

_(4:21pm) Well, judging by your humor, five?_

**_(4:21pm) … rude_ **

**_(4:21pm) You’re just jealous because my jokes are so amazing_ **

_(4:22pm) You’re right that’s it._

_(4:22pm) You found out about my deepest secret_

_(4:22pm) I am so incredibly jealous of your jokes, I cry myself to sleep every night_

_(4:22pm) I aspire to one day be as funny as you are_

**_(4:23pm) Wow_ **

**_(4:23pm) How does so much sarcasm fit into one person?_ **

_(4:24pm) Oh, that was nothing, believe me_

**_(4:25pm) I should introduce you to Wormtail; that would be fun. He doesn’t understand sarcasm_ **

_(4:25pm) Oh my god no_

_(4:25pm) There was this girl in my physics class in junior year who didn’t understand sarcasm_

_(4:25pm) She hated me with a burning passion_

**_(4:26pm) I can imagine_ **

_(4:26pm) I’m still surprised that you don’t hate me yet_

**_(4:26pm) Why would I?_ **

_(4:26pm) Because sarcasm in text messages just seems rude most of the time_

**_(4:27pm) Well_ **

**_(4:27pm) At first I just thought you might be sarcastic (or actually hoped you are), but now I know it, so it’s okay_ **

_(4:28pm) You know I don’t mean it viciously though, right?_

**_(4:29pm) Yeah, it’s okay. Don’t worry_ **

_(4:29pm) Good_

**_(4:30pm) Prongs finally gave the bathroom free, so I’m gonna take a shower now. I’ll text you later again, okay?_ **

_(4:30pm) Sure_

_(4:30pm) Have fun_

**_(4:31pm) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_ **

_(4:31pm) … okay that one was my own fault_

_~_

**_(5:24pm) Hey, I know I told you we would talk some more, but I’m really tired and I have to get up early tomorrow to read through my stuff again before school, so I’m gonna head to bed, alright?_ **

_(5:25pm) Of course! Sleep well, and good luck for your exam tomorrow!_

**_(5:25pm) Thank you! Talk to you tomorrow_ **

_(5:25pm) Bye xxx_

_July 3 rd _

**_(10:43am) Only one more exam left next week and also we could leave earlier today!!!_ **

_(10:44am) Awesome!_

**_(10:45am) Yes!_ **

**_(10:45am) How are you doing?_ **

_(10:45am) I’m alright, I guess. I didn’t sleep well last night and I’ve been up since 4:30, so I’m really tired, but apart from that I’m fine. How about you?_

**_(10:46am) I’m sorry about that. Also I’m fine, but I’m really tired too._ **

**_(10:46am) We’re gonna go over to Peter’s tonight though because his parents aren’t home_ **

_(10:47am) Does that mean I have to expect drunk texts?_

**_(10:47am) Yup_ **

_(10:48am) Great_

**_(10:48am) You better not be sarcastic, young man!_ **

_(10:48am) I wasn’t. Your drunk texts are still better than your jokes._

**_(10:49am) Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?_ **

**_(10:49am) Because then it would be a foot!_ **

**_(10:49am) Have you heard about the invention of the shovel?_ **

**_(10:50am) It was ground breaking!_ **

_(10:51am) Really?_

**_(10:51am) My friend’s butler is missing his left arm._ **

**_(10:52am) Serves him right._ **

_(10:53am) Oh my god_

_(10:53am) Nooooo_

_(10:53am) This is my favorite so far_

**_(10:53am) HA!_ **

**_(10:54am) You have favourites!!_ **

_(10:55am) Of course_

_(10:55am) They’re all bad, but some are slightly less terrible than others_

**_(10:55am) Shush!!_ **

**_(10:55am) They’re not bad_ **

_(10:56am) Yes, they are._

**_(10:56am) No_ **

_(10:56am) Yes_

**_(10:56am) I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger…_ **

**_(10:56am) Then it hit me_ **

_(10:57am) Okay. No. That’s enough for one day, you need to stop now._

**_(10:57am)What do you call someone with no body and no nose?_ **

**_(10:57am) Nobody knows!_ **

_(10:58am) Stop_

**_(10:58am) Doctor, doctor, why are some jokes painfully funny?_ **

**_(10:58am) It must be the punchlines!_ **

_(10:59am) Bye_

**_(11:00am) Three boys are on a boat with four cigarettes but no lighters or matches or anything to light them with. What do they do?_ **

**_(11:00am) Throw one cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter._ **

**_(11:03am) Get it?_ **

_(11:05am) It’s been five minutes and I’m still fighting the urge to hit myself over the head with a frying pan after reading this. This is by far the worst joke I have ever read in my whole life._

**_(11:06am) And you dare to call ME a drama queen?_ **

_(11:06am) DID YOU READ THIS JOKE???? IT’S HORRIBLE_

_(11:06am) I’M NEVER TALKING TO YOU AGAIN_

**_(11:07am) You remember when I admitted I was a drama queen? I take it back. You are way worse._ **

_(11:07am) I’m not talking to you_

**_(11:08am) So dramatic_ **

_(11:08am) BYE_

_~_

**_(4:42pm) Just so you know I told the cigarette lighter joke to Prongs and Wormtail and they laughed for ten minutes! I’m funny, admit it!_ **

_(4:43pm) Before or after you started drinking?_

**_(4:43pm) …_ **

**_(4:43pm) We may have already had a couple of beers_ **

_(4:43pm) Then it doesn’t count!!!_

**_(4:43pm) Yes it does!_ **

_(4:44pm) No!_

**_(4:44pm) You’re just jealous because I’m funnier than you_ **

_(4:45pm) Yes, Sirius. We already talked about this That’s it, you got me_

**_(4:45pm) You pretend to be sarcastic, but I know that you’re not_ **

_(4:46pm) Okay_

**_(4:47pm) Prongs says when you’re here we’re not gonna stop telling you jokes until you adapt our sense of humour!_ **

_(4:47pm) Oh my god_

_(4:47pm) Please no_

**_(4:48pm) Yes!_ **

**_(4:48pm) You will start to love puns and become one of us_ **

_(4:48pm) No thank you_

**_(4:49_ ** **_pm) Rude_ **

_(4:50pm) I know_

_(4:50pm) I have to go now though, I have therapy soon_

**_(4:50pm) Isn’t it a little late for that?_ **

_(4:51pm) It’s only 5_

**_(4:51pm) Oh_ **

**_(4:51pm) I still don’t get time zones I thought it was 6 at your place_ **

**_(4:51pm) Anyway, I hope it goes well!_ **

_(4:52pm) Thank you! Have fun with your friends_

_~_

**_(6:12pm) fun fact: I can fit 13 marshmallows in my mouth_ **

_(6:13pm) What exactly do you expect me to do with that information?_

**_(6:14pm) you can calculate what size of dick that is_ **

**_(6:14pm) and then tell me so I know for the future_ **

_(6:14pm) …_

_(6:14pm) Why are we friends again?_

**_(6:15pm) because I’m the light of your life_ **

_(6:15pm) No_

**_(6:16pm) rude_ **

**_(6:16pm) prongs says hi btw_ **

_(6:17pm) Tell him I said hi back_

_(6:17pm) I’m gonna go now though, my food just arrived and I want to finishe reading my book_

**_(6:18pm) noooo_ **

_(6:18pm) Yes_

_(6:18pm) Talk to your friends for a change_

**_(6:19pm) but they’re lame_ **

_(6:19pm) No they’re not_

_(6:19pm) Have a nice time_

**_(6:20pm) you too_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the comments!! Sorry this chapter isn't that long, but I hope you like it though!


	12. Chapter 12

_July 21 st _

**_(6:21am) ONE WEEK REMUS_ **

**_(6:21am) SEVEN DAYS!!!(_ **

**_(6:21am) WAKE UP AND BE EXCITED WITH ME_ **

_~_

**_(8:14am) REMUS_ **

**_(8:14am) WILL YOU FINALLY WAKE UP_ **

**_~_ **

_(9:15am) ONE WEEK UNTIL WE WILL SEE US_

**_(9:15am) YOU’RE AWAKE_ **

_(9:15am) I’M AWAKE_

**_(9:15am) ONE WEEK_ **

_(9:15am) ONE WEEK_

_~_

**_(12:04pm) Apparently I’m allowed to repeat ‘one week until Remus is here’ exactly 53 times before Prongs throws a bottle at me_ **

_(12:05pm) Aww_

**_(12:05pm) Don’t say ‘aww’_ **

**_(12:05pm) Come here and fight him_ **

_(12:06pm) I’ll be there in 7 days_

**_(12:06pm) That’s too long!_ **

_(12:07pm) Come on, we almost did it! It’s only one more week!_

**_(12:07pm) But the time is passing so slowly!!!_ **

**_(12:07pm) How am I supposed to survive this?!_ **

_(12:07pm) You have to_

_(12:08pm) You can’t die when we’re so close to actually meet!_

**_(12:08pm) What if I die and come back to life right before you come?_ **

_(12:09pm) And leave me here having to wait alone? No, you can’t do that._

**_(12:10pm) But what if you die too and come back to life just on time to get your flight?_ **

_(12:10pm) Sounds like a plan_

**_(12:11pm) Yes!_ **

**_~_ **

_(4:14pm) Please give me a reason to not commit mass murder because otherwise I can’t guarantee anything_

**_(4:17pm) You can’t come visit me when you’re in prison!!!!_ **

_(4:17pm) Ugh_

_(4:17pm) You’re right_

**_(4:18pm) What’s wrong?_ **

_(4:18pm) I just finished therapy and I’m really pissed off and moody and I stopped to get a coffee and it’s so crowded_

**_(4:18pm) … I mean… you live in New York… what do you expect_ **

_(4:18pm) Don’t be a smartass, just agree that crowded coffee shops are the worst_

**_(4:18pm) They are_ **

**_(4:18pm) If you do it right you can kill them all and then lie low for the next couple of days and then come to England and hide here_ **

_(4:19pm) Good idea_

**_(4:20pm) My ideas are always good_ **

_(4:20pm) Like your jokes, huh?_

**_(4:20pm) Exactly!_ **

_~_

_(5:48pm) My parents are forcing me to go out for dinner with them and one of their business partners, please rescue me_

**_(5:48pm) I’m sure it won’t be that bad_ **

_(5:48pm) Yes, it will_

_(5:48pm) They refuse to tell him that I’m not a girl and that I don’t want to be called by my birthname anymore, so I’m gonna have to spend a whole evening being misgendered_

**_(5:49pm) Oh no_ **

**_(5:49pm) That really sucks, I’m so sorry_ **

_(5:50pm) Thank you. It’s gonna be okay, I guess_

**_(5:51pm) Text me anytime if you can, alright? I’m here for you_ **

_(5:51pm) Thank you. I have to go now. Talk to you later or tomorrow, alright?_

**_(5:51pm) Okay, I hope your evening goes well. I love you_ **

_(5:51pm) Love you too_

_~_

_(7:16pm) Sirius are you still up?_

**_(7:16pm) I’m here. Are you okay?_ **

**_(7:18pm) Remus?_ **

_(7:19pm) No_

_(7:19pm) Not at all_

**_(7:19pm) What’s wrong?_ **

_(7:20pm) I just can’t take it anymore. They’ve just finished the entrée and my parents’ business partner has made so many comments about the way I’m dressed and about my hair and that it’s inappropriate for a girl to look like this and that my parents should stop this behavior before I end up ‘wrong’ (with context, it was more than obvious that he meant gay)._

_(7:20pm) I thought maybe if I got a break it would help me so I went to the bathroom, but the second I was alone I started crying and now I can’t stop and I just feel so terrible_

_(7:21pm) The things he said made me feel so dysphoric and I want to hurt myself so badly right now_

_(7:21pm) I don’t know what to do_

**_(7:21pm) This is just terrible. I’m so sorry. Please don’t hurt yourself because some stupid bloke said those horrible things. You’re a boy, okay? It doesn’t matter what he says. Just take deep breaths, it’s gonna be okay, I promise. Just a few more days and you’re gonna be here with me and it won’t matter what this bloke said, alright?_ **

**_(7:22pm) I love you, okay? Please don’t hurt yourself._ **

**_(7:26pm) Remus are you still there?_ **

**_~_ **

_(7:46pm) I’m sorry, my dad came and told me I had to come back to the table, I can’t really text right now, but I’ll message you as soon as I can_

**_(7:47pm) Alright, thanks for letting me know! Hope the rest of your evening will be better. Love you_ **

**_~_ **

_(9:35pm) You’re probably already asleep, but I just got back home and I wanted to thank you for earlier tonight._

**_(9:37pm) I’m still wide awake!!!_ **

**_(9:37pm) Also you’re very welcome._ **

**_(9:37pm) How are you feeling now?_ **

_(9:38pm) I’m still very dysphoric and I’m really drained and I just want to cry to be honest_

**_(9:38pm) I’m so sorry, Remus_ **

**_(9:38pm) Is there anything I can do to help you?_ **

_(9:39pm) No, I’ll be fine. Thank you though._

_(9:39pm) I’m gonna go now. Talk to you tomorrow, okay?_

**_(9:40pm) Alright. I’m here if you need me. Goodnight_ **

_(9:40pm) Goodnight_

_July 22 nd _

**_(6:52am) I really hope you feel better today! Text me when you wake up, alright?_ **

**_~_ **

**_(11:25am) Are you still sleeping?_ **

**_~_ **

_(12:14pm) I’m sorry, my phone died overnight and I just got around to plug it in_

**_(12:16pm) It’s okay. How are you doing?_ **

_(12:16pm) I’m not really having a good day and I’m probably gonna leave again right away. Sorry, but I’m not really in the mood to talk to anyone right now._

**_(12:17pm) Oh, alright. But I’m here if you need me!_ **

_(12:17pm) Thank you._

_July 23 rd_

**_(5:21am) I’m really sorry I didn’t text you again yesterday! We spontaneously went to London and got back home really late. Hope you’re alright!_ **

**_~_ **

_(8:35am) It’s okay, don’t worry about it. I hope you had a nice day!_

**_(8:36am) I did, thank you. How are you feeling?_ **

_(8:36am) A lot better, thank you._

**_(8:36am) That’s good to hear. Also only 5 more days!!!_ **

_(8:37am) Oh my god yes!!!!_

_(8:37am) I’m gonna have to pack soon though ugh_

**_(8:38am) You don’t like packing?_ **

_(8:38am) It’s the worst. How do you expect me to know what I’m going to wear a week in advance? Also I always pack too much of something and forget something important instead_

**_(8:39am) Don’t worry too much. As long as you got your passport and your tickets and make it to here, we can buy everything else or you can get it from us_ **

_(8:39am) Yeah_

**_(8:40am) Do you already have the times for the train on the 28 th or would you like me to look them up for you?_ **

_(8:40am) If you could look them up for me, that would be really great!_

**_(8:42am) Your plane lands on 2:15, right?_ **

_(8:43am) Yeah_

**_(8:43am) Okay so there is one train that leaves at 3:03 on platform 2 where you would not have to change train. If there are any delays or whatnot and you can’t make that one, there is another one on 3:08 on platform 1 and 3:10 on platform 4. On those you would have to change trains though. IF you would miss all of them, you can text me because then we would come and pick you up at the airport._ **

_(8:44am) Okay, thank you very much._

**_(8:45am) Just don’t get lost!!!_ **

_(8:45am) I won’t, I promise._

**_(8:45am) Good._ **

_~_

**_(10:36am) Before I forget it, Mom told me to ask you if you have any allergies or something or if you’re vegetarian so she knows if she has to pay attention to anything when she’s cooking_ **

_(10:37am) Oh that’s really nice of her_

_(10:37am) But no, I pretty much eat anything you put on a plate_

**_(10:37am) So…_ **

**_(10:37am) If I sit on a plate… ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_ **

_(10:38am) Oh my god_

**_(10:38am) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_ **

**_~_ **

_(2:58pm) Sometimes I really hate living in a big city ugh_

**_(2:59pm) Why?_ **

_(2:59pm) I had therapy and afterwards I went to the mall to get a few things and there are just SO MANY people_

_(3:00pm) I just wanna scream to be honest_

**_(3:00pm) Do it_ **

_(3:01pm) No_

**_(3:01pm) Yes_ **

_(3:01pm) No_

**_(3:01pm) …_ **

**_(3:01pm) Fine, then not_ **

_(3:02pm) I have what I wanted to get anyway, so I’m just gonna grab another coffee and then go back home_

**_(3:02pm) Nice_ **

_(3:02pm) Yes_

_~_

**_(6:35pm) CRYING WHILE WATCHING THE LION KING DOES NOT MAKE YOU WEAK AGREE WITH ME_ **

_(6:37pm) I TOTALLY AGREE I CRY EVERY TIME_

**_(6:37pm) THANK YOU_ **

**_(6:37pm) Prongs was laughing at me_ **

_(6:38pm) Tell him he’s a heartless monster_

**_(6:38pm) I already did_ **

**_(6:38pm) He just laughed_ **

_(6:38pm) DOESN’T HE HAVE A HEART_

**_(6:39pm) I think not_ **

_(6:39pm) You need to get away from him, maybe he’s not even human_

**_(6:39pm) Oh my god you’re right_ **

**_(6:40pm) Will I have to kill him?_ **

_(6:40pm) Maybe._

_(6:40pm) But not before you figured out what kind of monster he is, because otherwise you might try to kill him in a way that doesn’t work and make him angry_

**_(6:41pm) Good point_ **

**_~_ **

_(11:52am) Just because you talked about it, I had to watch the Lion King now and it’s almost midnight and I’m crying, thank you very much_

_July 24 th _

_(3:08am) It’s 3am and I still can’t sleep_

_(3:08am) I’m so tired ugh_

_~_

**_(4:35am) Maybe you should get off your phone_ **

_(4:35am) I tried that, it doesn’t work_

**_(4:36am) You should be sleeping!!!_ **

_(4:36am) I know_

_(4:36am) And I’d love to be_

**_(4:36am) Didn’t you just get medicine a while ago?_ **

_(4:37am) Yeah_

_(4:37am) And I did take it, but I still can’t sleep_

**_(4:37am) Does this happen a lot?_ **

_(4:37am)Well, it’s different. Usually I have just problems sleeping more than two or three hours at once, but lately I’ve been having troubles falling asleep as well_

**_(4:38am) Did you tell your therapist?_ **

_(4:38am) Yeah. She told me I could take a higher dose, but I didn’t have enough left and when I wanted to pick some more up today, they didn’t have them in stock, so I will have to go back tomorrow_

**_(4:38am) Oh, alright_ **

_(4:38am) I’m gonna try to get some sleep again. Talk to you later_

**_(4:38am) Okay. I hope you get some sleep._ **

_(4:39am) Thank you_

_~_

**_(7:17am) Hey hey hey hey hey_ **

**_(7:17am) 4 days!!!!!_ **

_(7:18am) Yes!!_

**_(7:18am) … Did you get any sleep?_ **

_(7:18am) Nope_

_(7:18am) I gave it up. I just made some coffee_

**_(7:19am) Oh_ **

_(7:19am) It’s okay. I can go and pick up more of my pills today and I’m sure I’ll be able to sleep tonight_

**_(7:19am) Hopefully!!_ **

_~_

_(2:48pm) Just ONE TIME can my parents please at least act like they actually care about me?_

**_(2:48pm) What happened?_ **

_(2:48pm) They just told me that they’ll be gone from Sunday until Wednesday, meaning that they won’t be here when I’m leaving_

_(2:48pm) I don’t know why it upsets me this much but it would have been nice if they had come to the airport with me_

_(2:49pm) Especially because I’ll have to get there pretty late and they know exactly I don’t like to be out on my own at night_

**_(2:50pm) I’m so sorry :(_ **

**_(2:50pm) Wait hold on though_ **

**_(2:50pm) At night???_ **

**_(2:50pm) What time does your plane set off?_ **

_(2:51pm) 11pm_

**_(2:51pm) Oh my god, what?_ **

**_(2:51pm) That’s like a 15 hours flight_ **

**_(2:51pm) That’s so much longer than I thought_ **

_(2:51pm) 10 hours_

_(2:52pm) You’re forgetting time zones_

**_(2:52pm) Oh, yeah right_ **

**_(2:52pm) It’s still long though_ **

_(2:52pm) Now you see what I go through for you!!!_

**_(2:53pm) Are you sure I’m worth it?_ **

_(2:53_ _pm) Not really, but I’ll get to see Lily too, so it’s whatever, you know?_

**_(2:53pm) Rude_ **

_(2:53pm) I know_

_~_

**_(5:34pm) A sandwich walks into a bar, the bartender says “sorry, we don’t serve food here.”_ **

_(5:34pm) Go to sleep_

**_(5:35pm) No!_ **

_(5:35pm) Yes!_

**_(5:35pm) Make me ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_ **

_(5:35pm) Oh my god_

_(5:35pm) What do I have to do so you will stop with the Lenny face?_

**_(5:35pm) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_ **

_(5:36pm) Ugh_

_~_

**_(10:23pm) MOOOOOOOOONY_ **

**_(10:23pm) YETA NOTHER PTOOF THAT DRUNK ME IS FANRASTIC_ **

**_(10:23pm) REMEMVER HOW I TOLD YOU U WERE A WEREWOFL_ **

**_(10:23pm) NOW U CAN BE A PART OF OUR GROUP BECAUES U HAVE A FANTACTI NIKCNAME TOO_ **

**_(10:24pm) TELL ME URE NTO ASLEEP YET U NEED TO APPRECUATE MY GENIUS_ **

**_(10:24pm) MOONY!_ **

_July 25 th _

**_(7:06am) I’m so hungover please send help_ **

**_(7:08am) ON ANOTHER NOTE I JUST READ THE MESSAGES I SENT YOU YESTERDAY AND DRUNK ME REALLY IS FANTASTIC I’M A GENIUS OH MY GOD_ **

**_~_ **

**_(10:34am) It’s like 10:30 at your place right?_ **

**_(10:34am) Aren’t you usually up at this time?_ **

**_(10:34am) … not that you’re not allowed to sleep in_ **

**_(10:34am) But 3 days!!!!_ **

**_~_ **

_(12:12pm) Yeah, sorry, I just woke up. Like I told you, I got a higher dose of sleeping pills yesterday and they knocked me out properly_

**_(12:14pm) You don’t have to apologise, don’t worry! Are you okay though?_ **

_(12:14pm) I’m still really drowsy, but I’ve slept for like 14 hours which is the best thing ever_

**_(12:15pm) That’s great_ **

_(12:15pm) So how do you feel? Still hungover?_

**_(12:15pm) Ugh, don’t talk about it_ **

**_(12:15pm) I puked my guts out and I have the worst headache ever_ **

_(12:16pm) Aw_

**_(12:16pm) BUT WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT YOUR NEW NICKNAME?_ **

_(12:16pm) I like it_

**_(12:17pm) I KNEW IT_ **

**_(12:17pm) IT’S AWESOME, ADMIT IT_ **

_(12:18pm) It is_

**_(12:18pm) YES_ **

**_~_ **

**_(2:15pm) Spontaneous family dinner at Nando’s!!!!! This is what I live for!!!_ **

_(2:16pm) So the food’s good there?_

**_(2:16pm) YOU’VE NEVER BEENA T NANDOS?_ **

_(2:16pm) No_

**_(2:16pm) OH MY GOD_ **

**_(2:16pm) I WILL TAKE YOU TO DINNER THERE WHEN YOU GET HERE_ **

_(2:16pm) Alright_

**_(2:17pm) I have to go now, food is here! Talk to you later_ **

_(2:17pm) Alright, enjoy your meal_

**_(2:17pm) Thank you_ **

**_~_ **

**_(3:56pm) I am so full_ **

**_(3:56pm) I think I’m going to explode_ **

_(3:57pm) Please don’t_

_(3:57pm) I’m coming over so soon!_

**_(3:57pm) I’ll try_ **

**_(3:58pm) But we haven’t even had dessert yet_ **

_(3:58pm) Maybe don’t eat dessert?_

**_(3:58pm) Please tell me you’re joking_ **

_(3:59pm) Of course I am!!_

**_(3:59pm) Good! Because if you weren’t I would have to end our friendship here and now_ **

_(4:00pm) You won’t have to_

**_(4:00pm) Good_ **

**_~_ **

**_(5:16pm) A termite walks into a bar and asks “is the bar tender here?”_ **

_(5:17pm) You deserve to be smacked for that one_

**_(5:17pm) Rude_ **

_(5:17pm) No_

_July 26 th_

**_(4:26am) MOONY_ **

**_(4:26am) HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY_ **

**_(4:26am) TWO DAYS_ **

**_(4:26am) WE’RE GONNA SEE US IN 2 DAYS_ **

**_~_ **

**_(5:31am) Prongs threw a shoe at me_ **

**_(5:31am) Remind me to not talk about you unless Prongs isn’t near anything he could use as a weapon_ **

**_(5:31am) BUT TWO DAYS_ **

**_~_ **

_(8:36am) TWO DAYS_

**_(8:37am) YOU’RE UP_ **

_(8:37am) I AM_

**_(8:37am) TWO DAYS_ **

_(8:37am) I CAN’T BELIEVE IT_

_(8:38am) I’M SO EXCITED_

**_(8:38am) ME TOO_ **

**_~_ **

_(10:14am) What’s the weather like at your place?_

**_(10:15am) Not very good, at the moment. It’s relatively cold for summer and it might rain from time to time_ **

_(10:15am) Okay, cool_

**_(10:15am) Cool?_ **

_(10:15am) Yeah_

_(10:15am) I don’t like it when it’s too hot_

**_(10:15am) Oh, well then you’re really lucky. It’s not even 20 degrees at the moment._ **

_(10:16am) What?!_

**_(10:16am) Yeah, it’s like 18 degrees I think_ **

_(10:16am) “relatively cold” dude that’s freezing_

_(10:16am) Oh no, hold on_

_(10:16am) You guys use Celsius, don’t you?_

**_(10:16am) …yes_ **

**_(10:17am) “us guys”_ **

**_(10:17am) Just like the rest of the world_ **

**_(10:17am) Except for you American weirdos and like two other countries_ **

_(10:18am) At least we drive on the right side_

**_(10:18am) Hey!!_ **

_(10:18am) We LITERALLY drive on the right side_

**_(10:19am) That does not mean anything_ **

_(10:20am) Shhhh_

_(10:20am) You know I’m right_

**_(10:20am) You know what? You can have that one. You do so many weird things over there, you can have that ONE thing that you do like most of the world_ **

_(10:20am) We don’t do weird things._

**_(10:20am) Ah, no, of course not. Please excuse me for this accusation, you can now go back and peacefully cheer for some college blokes playing football (because apparently that’s such a big deal) and watch the World Series (in which funnily enough only America partakes) and go to the restroom and take a rest or do whatever it is you do in there that makes you call it that, and measure your temperature in Fahrenheit, go buy some guns and deep fry some butter._ **

_(10:20am) …_

_(10:20am) Alright you got me there_

_(10:20am) In my defense though I never had deep fried butter and frankly, it sounds disgusting_

**_(10:21am) I know_ **

**_(10:21am) Why would anyone want to eat this?_ **

_(10:2_ _1am) I honestly don’t know_

_(10:21am) Anyway, I have to go pack and then say goodbye to my parents now. Talk to you later_

**_(10:22am) Say goodbye to your parents??_ **

**_(10:22am) Oh, yeah right. They’re leaving today, you told me about that_ **

_(10:22am) Yeah_

**_(10:22am) Okay then, have a nice day._ **

_(10:22am) You too_

_~_

**_(1:04pm) I can’t believe we’re gonna see us so soon!_ **

_(1:05pm) Yes!!!_

**_(1:05pm) I don’t know how I’m supposed to wait any longer, I feel like I’m going to die of excitement_ **

_(1:05pm) Me too!_

_~_

**_(3:47pm) It’s not that the man didn’t know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it._ **

_(3:48pm) Why_

**_(3:48pm) I’d tell you a chemistry joke, but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction._ **

_(3:48pm) You are the worst_

**_(3:48pm) *best_ **

_(3:48pm) Not this again_

_(3:48pm) When I say worst I mean worst_

**_(3:48pm) *best_ **

_(3:49pm) Bye_

_~_

_(5:06pm) “An individual with grandiose delusion is 100% convinced that he or she has special powers, talents, or abilities.” I just found the explanation for why you think you’re funny_

**_(5:06pm) How rude_ **

**_(5:06pm) I AM funny_ **

**_(5:06pm) Also it’s my job to deliver fun facts, not yours_ **

_(5:07pm) I don’t see where this fact is funny, but alright, my apologies_

**_(5:07pm) Did you know that the human brain apparently feels like a ripe avocado?_ **

_(5:07pm) Ew_

_(5:07pm) I want to unread this_

**_(5:08pm) Also if you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white_ **

_(5:08pm) I actually knew that one_

**_(5:08pm) Noo!!_ **

**_(5:08pm) You are not allowed to know the facts I tell you!!!_ **

_(5:09pm) I guess you need to step up your game_

**_(5:09pm) Wearing headphones for an hour increases the bacteria in your ear 700 times_ **

_(5:09pm) Oh, don’t tell me that!!! I’m wearing headphones all the time, I don’t wanna know this!_

**_(5:09pm) *whispers* 700 times_ **

_(5:09pm) I am done talking to you_

**_(5:09pm) 700_ **

_(5:10pm) Bye_

_July 27 th_

**_(4:34am) ONE DAY REMUS_ **

**_(4:34am) TOMORROW_ **

**_(4:34am) YOU ARE GONNA BE HERE TOMORROW_ **

**_(4:34am) I’M SCREAMING_ **

**_(4:34am) ONE DAY_ **

**_~_ **

_(8:47am) Oh my god stop it_

_(8:47am) I’m so excited_

**_(8:47am) ME TOO_ **

**_(8:47am) It’s gonna be so great!!!_ **

_(8:47am) Yes!_

_(8:47am) I can’t shake the feeling that I forgot to pack something important though_

**_(8:48am) Like I said, just make sure you have your passport and your plane tickets, everything else you can get here_ **

_(8:48am) Yes_

_(8:48am) I’ve already checked at least 7 times that I packed that_

**_(8:48am) It’s gonna be fine. I’m sure you have everything, yeah?_ **

_(8:48am) I hope so_

**_(8:49am) I’m sure you do. What time are you leaving for the airport?_ **

_(8:49am) I want to be there by 9. The gate doesn’t close until 10:30 but I want to make sure I will have enough time._

**_(8:49am) Okay. I’ll make sure I’m up, so you can text me anytime, alright? You said you didn’t like to be out on your own at night and those check-ins can be very stressful. Just know I’m here for you, okay?_ **

_(8:49am) Thank you so much!_

**_(8:50pm) Anytime_ **

**_~_ **

_(11:24am) Passport, tickets, wallet, clothes, toilet articles, my medicaments… What did I forget?_

**_(11:24am) Sounds like you have everything. Maybe something to entertain you during the fight?_ **

_(11:25am) Yeah, I packed my laptop and some books._

**_(11:25am) More than one book? How much do you think you will read during that flight?_ **

_(11:25am) Well… What if I only pack one book but then I’m not in the mood to read that one?_

**_(11:25am) Oh, and that would be disastrous_ **

_(11:25am) Hey, if I’m not allowed to send you facts, you’re not allowed to be sarcastic!_

**_(11:25am) Rude_ **

**_~_ **

_(1:32pm) What if I lose my passport?_

**_(1:33pm) I’m sure you won’t. But make copies, just in case._ **

_(1:33pm) I did_

_(1:33pm) What if I lose them too?_

**_(1:34pm) You won’t. It’s gonna be alright._ **

_(1:34pm) I’m sorry. I really don’t want to annoy you_

**_(1:34pm) You don’t annoy me. Don’t worry about it. I’m here for you, alright?_ **

_(1:34pm) Thank you_

_~_

_(2:08pm) Sirius_

**_(2:08pm) Yeah?_ **

_(2:08pm) What if I miss my plane?_

_(2:08pm) Or what if they don’t let me on it?_

_(2:08pm) Or if I get hold up at the airport and they won’t let me into the country when I’m over there?_

**_(2:09pm) Why would they do that?_ **

_(2:09pm) I don’t know, but what if?_

**_(2:09pm) I’m sure it will be alright. Try not to worry too much about it. Everything’s gonna be fine, I promise._ **

_(2:10pm) Thank you_

_(2:10pm) I’m really sorry, okay? I know I probably sound stupid, but I’m so worried._

**_(2:11pm) It’s okay. I have my phone by my side all the time. If anything goes wrong or if you need me, just text me or call me, alright? Everything will be fine._ **

_(2:11pm) Thank you, Sirius_

**_(2:11pm) Anytime_ **

**_~_ **

**_(4:48pm) Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey_ **

**_(4:48pm) You know what?_ **

_(4:49pm) What?_

**_(4:49pm) Tomorrow!!!_ **

_(4:49pm) Stop!!!!!!!_

_(4:49pm) I’m screaming_

**_(4:49pm) Me too!!!_ **

_~_

_(8:14pm) I’m on my way to the airport now!_

**_(8:15pm) Oh my god!_ **

**_(8:15pm) I can’t believe how soon we’re gonna meet!_ **

_(8:16pm) Me either_

_(8:16pm) How am I going to sit still on a plane for over 10 hours?! I’m gonna explode_

**_(8:16pm) Don’t_ **

_(8:16pm) I’ll try_

**_(8:18pm) Did you hear about that guy who got hit in the head with a soda can?_ **

**_(8:18pm) He was lucky it was a soft drink._ **

_(8:18pm) I’m going to hit YOU in the head with a soda can tomorrow_

**_(8:18pm) I don’t care, to be honest. You can do whatever you want to, as long as you’re here_ **

_(8:19pm) You can be such a sop sometimes, do you know that?_

**_(8:19pm) I don’t care_ **

**_~_ **

_(9:24pm) I’m at the airport and I just was at the baggage check-in. I’ll have to go through security soon_

**_(9:24pm) How are you doing?_ **

_(9:25pm) It’s really crowded and I’m a little stressed out, but it’s alright._

**_(9:25pm) You sure?_ **

_(9:25pm) Yeah, don’t worry._

**_(9:26pm) Alright. But I’m here if you need me._ **

_(9:26pm) Thank you_

_~_

_(10:05pm) Ugh, this took forever! The lines were so long! But I’m through now and on the way to my gate_

_~_

**_(10:25pm) I FELL ASLEEP_ **

**_(10:25pm) TELL ME YOU’RE STILL HERE_ **

_(10:25pm) I am, don’t worry_

**_(10:25pm) Oh my god_ **

**_(10:25pm) I’m sorry!!!_ **

_(10:25pm) It’s okay, don’t worry about it. We’re gonna board soon anyway, so you really can go back to sleep if you want to._

**_(10:25pm) Are you sure?_ **

_(10:26pm) Yes. It’s past 3am at your place anyway._

_(10:26pm) Go to sleep, yeah? And next time we talk, it will be face to face_

**_(10:26pm) I can’t wait!!_ **

_(10:26pm) Me either!_

**_(10:26pm) Have a safe flight, yeah? I love you and I can’t wait to see you soon!!_ **

_(10:27pm) I love you too. Sleep well and see you soon!_

**_(10:27pm) So soon!_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish all of you a happy new year!  
> I hope you liked this chapter and are just es excited for the next one as I am about getting to write it!!!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the absence, but therefore this chapter is a bit longer than usually. I hope you like it!

Taking a deep breath, trying to calm himself down, Remus stepped onto the platform, his eyes immediately wandering towards the clock. He couldn’t help but to check the piece of paper, on which he had written the train times and platform numbers Sirius had told him, again. But everything was alright – he had all his stuff, he was on the right platform and he had a couple of minutes left until his train came. Placing the half-empty coffee cup on his suitcase, he pulled his cigarettes out of his pocket and lit one. Actually, he had quit smoking about one and a half years ago, but there had been a lot of backstrokes and stressful situations lately and he just needed this to help him deal with everything right now. Remus closed his eyes for a moment and dragged on his cigarette, trying to silence the never-ending stream of worries in his head.

The platform was pretty crowded, but much to Remus’ relief, most of the people entered an earlier train, so when the one Remus was supposed to take came, he ended up sitting in an almost empty compartment.

In just a little under 40 minutes, he would arrive at Guildford. Just a little less than 40 minutes and he would meet Sirius.

Remus had been looking forward to this more than anything. But he was also scared. What if he would mess it up? What if he would ruin things between him and Sirius? What if, after this, Sirius wouldn’t want to talk to him anymore?

He clenched his shaking hand tighter around the coffee cup and forced himself to take deep breaths. It was gonna be fine. Sirius was excited to meet him, right? He had said so a lot of times. But no matter how often Remus repeated this to himself, he couldn’t shake the nagging feeling of anxiety off. – If anything, it got worse the more time passed.

Eventually though, even if it felt like an eternity and even if Remus’ nervousness made him feel as if he wasn’t going to survive it, the forty minutes were over and the train came to a halt at Guildford. Heaving his suitcase out of the train and stepping aside to let the other people exit it, Remus’ eyes scanned the platform. There weren’t many people, and even though he’d never even seen a picture of him, Remus spotted Sirius immediately. There was no doubt it was him.

He stood a bit offside next to a dark-haired woman – probably Mrs. Potter. Their eyes met and Sirius’ lips widened in a bright smile. Before Remus could even start to worry if it would be okay if he hugged Sirius or if that would be too much – Sirius had already crossed the distance between them and pulled Remus into a bone-crushing hug.

“I can’t believe you’re here,” Sirius laughed, making no moves to end the hug anytime soon. Remus couldn’t help it, he buried his face in the crook of Sirius neck and tied his arms tighter around Sirius’ shoulders.

Eventually, Sirius pulled back just enough so they could look at each other. Remus’ heart fluttered and his throat tightened. He couldn’t believe he was actually here right now. Also, dear god, Sirius was beautiful. He was wearing heavy boots, ripped jeans and a studded leather jacket over a t-shirt – all in black. His dark hair was tied up into a messy bun and he had small black studs in both of his earlobes. When Remus looked at Sirius’ face and saw how Sirius was looking at him, Remus could feel a blush creeping up over his neck towards his face. Of course Sirius noticed it, but he didn’t say anything, but just stroke Remus’ cheeks with his thumbs. His grey eyes were soft and he looked so happy – happy to see _him_ \- Remus couldn’t believe it.

“You’re here,” he said again and smiled even wider.  

“I’m here,” Remus laughed and pulled Sirius closer for another hug. Sirius returned the hug, but when he pulled back, he stepped aside and turned around.

“Uh, Remus, that’s- that’s my Mom.”

“It’s very nice to meet you, Remus.” Mrs. Potter stepped forwards. “I’ve heard _a lot_ about you.”

Remus could see Sirius dramatically burying his face in his hands out of the corner of his eyes and chuckled quietly, but then he shook Mrs. Potter’s hand. “It’s very nice to meet you too, Mrs. Potter.”

“Oh, please, call me Euphemia.”

Remus smiled shyly and nodded, and then Sirius laid an arm around his shoulders and grinned at him. “Ready to go?”

“Yes.” Remus grinned back at him. “Sirius?” he said then, as he eyed him from the side.

“Yeah?”

“I thought you were taller.”

Sirius stopped walking and gasped shocked, pressing his hand over his heart. “How dare you?! I am going to put you right back on that train and send you back to New York. This is unbelievable.”

Mrs. Potter and Remus both laughed as Sirius continued to complain.

“Such a rude bloke – I told you, Mom. Not even here for ten minutes and he is already insulting me. I can’t believe this.” Sirius sighed in exaggerated disbelief and shook his head.

“You’re _such_ a drama queen.” Remus rolled his eyes fondly, but couldn’t suppress a smile. This was _exactly_ how he’d hoped things would be – no awkwardness, but just the same as it was through text messages.

Sirius sighed in despair, but laid his arm around Remus’ shoulder again. “ _So rude_ ,” he scoffed under his breath. “Unbelievable.”

Remus laughed and nudged Sirius with his shoulder.

They walked to the parking lot and packed Remus’ suitcase into the trunk of the car before they got on and Mrs. Potter drove off. They spent the ride mostly in silence, Remus was still really nervous, but whenever he and Sirius looked at each other, they both smiled widely.

~

About half an hour later, Mrs. Potter parked the car in front of a row of terraced houses. Sirius lifted Remus’ suitcase out of the trunk, but when Remus wanted to take it, Sirius waved off.

“It’s okay.”

“You really don’t have to-”

“It’s right there anyway,” Sirius interrupted him and pointed to about the third house from where they were standing.

“Alright.” Remus nodded and then followed him.

Mrs. Potter unlocked the door and they all stepped inside. Remus toed his shoes off and put them next to Sirius’ boots.

“Let’s bring your stuff upstairs,” Sirius said then and picked up Remus’ suitcase. Remus followed him upstairs and Sirius pushed open the first door to their left and entered a big room. Two beds stood on the opposite ends of the room and nearly the whole floor was covered with clothes and other stuff.

“I- uh, I wanted to clean up, but…” Sirius shrugged and smiled apologizing.

“Don’t worry, that’s fine.”

“And, uh, Prongs said he was gonna sleep on the couch or at Wormtail’s while you’re here.”

“Oh.” Remus frowned, he didn’t want to drive James out of his own room. “He doesn’t have to, I mean-”

“It was his decision.” Sirius snorted and grinned at Remus. “He said – and I quote – ‘no offense but you’re already bad enough when you’re only texting that bloke. I really do not want to be there when you’re actually with him.’”

“You must have made him hate me.”

“He doesn’t hate _you_ , he hates me talking about you.”

“So you talk about me a lot?” Remus grinned and raised an eyebrow.

“Don’t let that get to your head.” Sirius threateningly pointed at Remus, but then he laughed.

Remus laughed too, but when he turned his head, his eyes caught his reflection in the mirror on the wall and he sighed, turning his head away. “Sirius,” he said quietly, wrapping his arms around himself, suddenly feeling the tightness of the binder with increased intensity. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure, Remus.” Sirius stepped closer and laid a hand on Remus shoulder. “Are you alright?”

“It’s… it’s just…” Remus hesitated. “Did you… tell your family that I’m… trans?”

“No.” Sirius frowned. “Was I… was I supposed to? I didn’t want to, uh, out you, you know?”

“Yeah, no, I…” Remus sighed and ran his hand through his hair. “It’s just… I mean I know I don’t pass and… what if they… ask questions or something?”

“Hey,” Sirius said softly and rubbed over Remus’ upper arms. “You won’t have to answer anything you don’t want to. But, I mean, if you want to… I can tell them.”

Remus bit down on his bottom lip. “Do you think they’d be okay with it?”

“Of course. It’s no problem, I promise. So, do you want me to tell them?”

“That… that would be nice of you.” Remus nodded slowly.

“I’ll go talk to Mom, alright? Then you can also have a few minutes alone. Just make yourself at home, yeah? The bathroom is right next door.”

“Thank you, Sirius.”

“No problem. – I’m really happy you’re here, Remus.” Sirius smiled at him and hugged him.

“Me too.”

Sirius left the room and Remus could hear him walking down the stairs. With a deep sigh, he sank down on the bed closest to him and buried his face in his hands. He really was happy being here – but he was drained and exhausted and being in a new surrounding was always stressful for him. Also after having been called ‘miss’ countless times during the last night and having it had burned into his mind once again that he didn’t pass and that the rest of the world still saw him as a girl, he really just wanted to bury himself under a blanket.

Taking a deep breath and stretching his back, Remus stood up again and then left the room to look for the bathroom. He washed his face with some cold water and closed his eyes, taking a few minutes to do one of the breathing exercises his therapist had shown him.

He felt slightly better afterwards, so he straightened his thin sweater and then left the bathroom, heading for the stairs.

He could hear Sirius and his mother talking, but they were talking about James now, so Remus felt it was safe to approach them. When Sirius saw him, he smiled lightly.

“You alright?”

“Yes, thank you.”

“Would you like something to drink?” Mrs. Potter asked. “Coffee, maybe?”

“A coffee would be fantastic, thank you very much.”

She nodded and then took a mug out of the cupboard and turned to the coffee machine. Sirius stepped closer to Remus and ran his hand through the floppy curls on top of his head. “I like your hair.”

“I like yours too.” Remus grinned and reached out for a strand of hair that had loosened itself from Sirius’ messy bun.

“I still can’t believe you’re actually here.” Sirius chuckled quietly and grabbed Remus’ hand, stroking the back of it with his thumb.

“Me either.” Remus smiled back at Sirius and much to his dislike, he could feel himself blushing again.

When Mrs. Potter turned around to give Remus his coffee, he felt his blush darkening, but Sirius didn’t bat an eyelash and he didn’t let go of Remus’ hand either. – Not that Remus wanted him to.

“Would you like some sugar or milk?” Mrs. Potter asked him.

“No, thank you.” Remus smiled lightly and carefully sipped on the hot coffee.

“So how was your flight, dear? Was it alright?”

“Oh, it was fine. Very long, but…” Remus shrugged.

“How long was it?”

“Just a bit over ten hours.”

Mrs. Potter frowned. “You must be exhausted. Did you get any sleep?”

“Uh, not really,” Remus chuckled. “There were about three or four babies on board and it felt like at least one of them was crying at all times.”

“Oh, that’s terrible. Why don’t you boys go upstairs, so you can lie down a little and get some rest before dinner? I’m sure it would do you good. – Which reminds me,” she said then and turned towards Sirius. “I very much hope you cleaned up that mess.”

“I- I wanted to,” Sirius said defensively. “But I was busy.”

Mrs. Potter raised an eyebrow. “I definitely would _not_ classify dancing around the house all morning, singing ‘Remus is gonna be here soon’ as being busy.”

“ _Mom_ ,” Sirius protested and scrunched up his face. “You are so embarrassing.”

“ _I_ wasn’t the one doing the dancing and singing.”

Remus tried to hide his grin behind the coffee mug, but he know he failed horribly.

“You are the worst,” Sirius said, but at the same time hugged her and then pressed a kiss on her cheek. “We’re gonna go upstairs now, okay?”

“Yes.” She smiled at him, but then she gave him a stern look. “You better behave and give the poor boy some rest, you understand me?”

“I _always_ behave,” Sirius said insistent and raised his eyebrows.

“You sure do have a big fantasy. – And now go and let Remus lie down for a while. I’ll get you when dinner is ready.”

Remus thanked Mrs. Potter for the coffee again before he and Sirius went back upstairs. “I like your mom,” Remus grinned when they entered Sirius’ room. “Any chance I get to see that dance of yours?”

“ _No_.”

“Pity.” Remus sighed and sat down on the bed again, placing the mug on the nightstand. “I’d _love_ to see it.”

“Forget it.” Sirius sat down next to him.

“Oh, by the way.” Remus leaned forward to pull his backpack closer. “I got something for you.”

“What? No!” Sirius protested. “I don’t have anything for you!”

“Doesn’t matter. It’s just something small. But I thought you might like it.” Remus reached into the side compartment and pulled out what he had bought for Sirius. It was a black leather cuff with silver studs in the form of a paw print.

“This is amazing!” Sirius hugged him. “I love it. Thank you so much!”

He wrapped it around his wrist and then held it towards Remus, so he could close it.

“I’m glad you like it.” Remus smiled at him and then picked up the coffee mug, suppressing a yawn.

“You must be really tired.” Sirius gently rubbed his back. “Why don’t you lie down for a while? I’ll see if Prongs left his laptop here, then we can watch a movie or something.”

“Oh, I have mine here.” Remus reached into his backpack again and pulled out his laptop. He started it and then gave it to Sirius, who entered the Wi-Fi password and started Netflix.

“What do you want to watch?”

Remus shrugged. “You can choose. I probably won’t be able to focus much anyway.”

“Let’s just watch some _Friends_ ,” Sirius said then and clicked on it in the suggestions.

He placed the laptop on the nightstand and then moved back and leaned against the pillows, stretching himself out on the bed. Remus laid down next to him and turned on his side, facing the laptop. He could feel Sirius moving closer behind him.

“Remus?”

“Yeah?”

“Is it… is it okay if I hold you?”

Glad that he wasn’t facing Sirius, Remus felt himself blushing deeply again. But he nodded and when Sirius moved closer and laid his arm around his waist, Remus’ heart sped up, pounding heavily against his ribcage.

“I know I’ve said this a lot already… but I’m so happy you’re here,” Sirius said quietly.

“Me too.” Remus laid his hand on top of Sirius’ and squeezed it lightly.

Closing his eyes, Remus sunk deeper into the pillow and exhaled deeply. He had been wearing his binder since yesterday morning and it was getting really uncomfortable to breathe – also it was hurting. He didn’t want to take it off though, so he just tried to adjust his breathing to Sirius’.

“Are you okay?” Sirius asked quietly. “You seem so tense.”

“I’m fine.”

“You sure?”

Remus nodded and nuzzled his head deeper into the pillow. “Yeah.”

“Okay.” Sirius laced his fingers with Remus’. “Try to get some sleep, okay?”

Remus hummed approvingly, already half asleep.

* * *

 

“Remus.”

Remus groaned in protest and buried his face in the pillow.

“Dinner is gonna be ready in a few.”

He felt Sirius’ hand gently rubbing his arm and slowly reality began to sink in and he remembered where he was. Before he could stop himself, he turned around and buried himself in Sirius’ arms. For a moment, Sirius seemed surprised, but then he laid his arms around Remus and gently stroke his back.

“Still tired?”

“Uh-huh.”

“It’s okay. Just take your time to wake up properly. And you can go back to sleep after dinner, yeah?”

Remus nodded and then moved back a little, so he could look at Sirius, and smiled tiredly. Sirius smiled back at him and brushed his hand through Remus’ hair.

“You look cute when you’re sleepy,” Sirius grinned.

“Shut up,” Remus groaned and rubbed over his eyes, trying to suppress a yawn.

“ _Adorable_ ,” Sirius whispered.

Pressing his hand on Sirius’ face and pushing him aside, so he faced the other way, Remus groaned again.

Sirius laughed and then climbed over Remus off the bed. “You hungry?”

“Very.” Remus grabbed Sirius’ hand and let him pull him up on his feet before he followed him downstairs.

“Prongs is still at Wormtail’s,” Sirius said then. “But Dad’s probably here by now.”

“Oh. Okay.” Remus nervously chew on his bottom lip and pulled the sleeves of his sweater over his hands.

“You don’t need to be nervous.” Sirius smiled softly at him. “He’s really nice. I’m sure you’ll like him. – And he’ll like you too.”

They entered the kitchen together; the table was already set and Mr. Potter was sitting on one of the chairs, reading a newspaper.

“Hey Dad.” Sirius stepped up to him and hugged him. Then he turned around and gestured Remus to step closer. “That’s Remus,” he said then.

Remus nervously tugged on the sleeves of his sweater and smiled shyly. “Nice to meet you, sir.”

“Oh, no, please, my name’s Fleamont. It’s nice to finally meet the boy Sirius won’t shut up about.”

Remus laughed embarrassed and felt himself blushing again. Next to him, Sirius sighed theatrically loud.

“Just ten seconds ago I tell Remus how nice you are and then you do this. Why do you always embarrass me like that?”

“Oh, you don’t need me to embarrass you. You do that very well by yourself.” Mr. Potter smacked Sirius’ upper arm lightly with the rolled up newspaper.

“Do you see how they treat me here?!” Sirius turned to Remus and shook his head. “This is unbelievable. I am calling the authorities.”

“The only one you should call is a hair dresser. You ought to get a haircut.” Mr. Potter stood up and tugged on Sirius’ bun as he walked over to the sink and filled his glass with water.

“He’s just jealous of my hair because he’s going bald,” Sirius stage-whispered to Remus.

Remus watched the exchange between them with a wide smile on his face. Knowing how badly Sirius had had it with his biological family, he was really happy to see how good he had it here.

A few minutes later, dinner was ready and they all sat down to eat. Remus just now realized how hungry he was. Also it tasted fantastic! Mrs. Potter was an amazing cook.

The dinner with Sirius and his parents was really great. Even though Remus didn’t say much himself, he enjoyed sitting there with them and listening to their conversations, especially Sirius’ and Mr. Potter’s playful bickering.

~

When they were done with dinner and back upstairs in Sirius’ room, Remus let himself fall down on the bed and pressed his hand on his stomach.

“I’m so full,” he groaned.

Sirius laughed and sat down next to him, leaning on his elbow and poking him in the side. “I told you the fourth portion would be too much.”

“It was so _good_ though,” Remus sighed and then swatted Sirius’ hand away. “Stop poking me or I might puke.”

“Not on my bed!”

“Then stop!” Remus grabbed Sirius’ hand and pushed it away. “What?” he asked then, when he saw that Sirius was looking at him, grinning.

“You want to hear a joke?”

Remus rolled his eyes fondly. “Sure,” he said then.

“What did the grape say when it got stepped on?” Sirius paused a few seconds and looked at him with overt excitement. “Nothing, but it let out a little whine.”

“Ugh,” Remus groaned and rolled his eyes again. “You are the worst.”

Laughing, Sirius stood up and picked up some sweatpants from the floor and grabbed a shirt out of his closet. “I’m just gonna quickly take a shower, alright? Just make yourself at home and if you need anything, just take it.”

“Okay, sure.” Remus sat up. “I think I’m gonna go outside to smoke, okay?”

“Oh. Yeah, sure. You can go through the living room out to the backyard.”

Remus nodded and then picked up his backpack and fished his cigarettes and the lighter out of it.

The backyard was small, but it looked really pretty. There was a flowerbed and a big tree on the back end and Prongs 2.0 was standing next to the wall – there was still some tinsel left around his antlers. Pulling his earphones and his phone out of his pocket, Remus sank down on the lawn and crossed his legs.

When Remus finished smoking, he quickly texted his parents, telling them that he’d arrived safely and that everything was fine and then just spent some more time sitting there and listening to music. He didn’t know how much time passed, but after a while, Sirius came outside as well, sitting down next to him.

“You alright?” Sirius asked as Remus had turned off the music and put his earphones away.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Good.” Sirius smiled at him and then leaned back on his elbows, stretching his legs out in front of him. “Isn’t it a little too hot to wear a sweater?” he asked then and reached out with his hand to tug on the sleeve of Remus’ sweater.

Remus shrugged. “It’s not that warm.” He pulled on the sleeves of his sweater and looked down on his arms. Not that it would have mattered if it had been too warm. He never wore short sleeves in public.

“Alright then.” Pulling a hair tie off his wrist, Sirius tied his still damp hair up to a bun and then stood up. “Do you know what I mean with eyes of doom now?” he asked while he walked over to Prongs 2.0 and patted the figure on the back. The paint had chipped off on some places, including the eyes, so now they were black with white blotches.

“They’re creepy admit it,” Sirius looked at him insistently while Remus walked closer to the reindeer until he stood right in front of it.

“I still think ‘eyes of doom’ is a tad dramatic,” Remus grinned.

“I’m not dramatic.”

“Oh no, not at all.”

“You sarcastic little brat.” Sirius tutted and shook his head. “This is unacceptable behavior. I’m gonna have to talk to your parents about this.”

Rolling his eyes, Remus plucked some of the tinsel off Prongs 2.0’s antlers and tossed it at Sirius. “You’re stupid.”

“ _You’re_ stupid.” Sirius tossed the tinsel back at him.

“Not as stupid as you.”

“How dare you talk like this to me, young man?” Sirius pressed his hands into his hips and walked away, to the end of the garden towards the tree.

“Tell me you’re not gonna climb that tree,” Remus sighed, but before he could even end the sentence, Sirius had already grabbed one of the thick branches and pulled himself up on the tree.

“Of course you climbed the tree.”

“Come on.” Sirius patted next to himself on the branch. “There’s room for two.” He grinned and winked at Remus.

“I’m not climbing up there.”

Sirius bent his head on his side and just looked at Remus with his eyebrows raised.

“Fine,” Remus sighed eventually. He stepped closer and climbed up on it as well. “Are you happy now?”

“Very.”

“If I fall down and break something it’s your fault.” Remus scooched closer to the trunk and held onto it.

“You won’t break anything from falling down here.”

“You seem to speak from experience.” Remus raised an eyebrow.

“Three times. – But in my defense, at least once, it was Prongs’ fault.”

“And the other two times?”

Sirius snorted with laughter and shook his head. “One time I thought it was a good idea to lie down here and the other time I was drunk.”

“To be honest I’m surprised you didn’t fall down here more often because you were drunk.”

“Oh, I would. But Prongs won’t let me climb up here when I’m drunk anymore. Apparently I hit my head pretty bad and passed out for a couple of minutes and they actually thought I had died. Scared them pretty badly.” Sirius shrugged. “ _I_ don’t remember it. But apparently it was scarring.”

Remus laughed and shook his head. “I really feel like you should stop drinking. I mean – I think it was the first or the second day we were texting, you sent me a message about how James had hit his head and had been bleeding a lot. You’re gonna get yourselves killed. – But then again,” he shrugged, “who am I to talk? God knows I’ve done stupider things than getting drunk.” He huffed out a laugh and bit down on his bottom lip. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize.” Sirius moved closer and nudged him lightly with his shoulder. “If you want to talk about it, it’s fine.”

Remus shook his head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. Not right now at least. I… I know it’s stupid and everything, but lately… I really miss it.” His jaw clenched and he ran his hand through his hair. “I mean… I’m glad I went to rehab and got clean and everything but…” he sighed quietly, “even though it definitely wasn’t a good thing in the long run… it made a lot of things so much easier.”

“I get that.” Sirius laid his arm around Remus’ shoulder and rubbed over his upper arm. “But it wasn’t good for you. And you can do it without this stuff. Like you said, it might have made some things easier, but in the long run, it’s no good. You’re better off without it.”

“Yeah.” Remus smiled lightly. “Thank you.”

“Nothing to thank me for.” Sirius smiled back at him and pressed a brief kiss on Remus’ temple. But before Remus had time to react, Sirius slid off the branch, holding onto it for a moment, before he dropped the remaining distance to the ground.

“Are you just gonna stay up there forever?” he grinned and looked up when Remus just stayed where he was.

“Uh- I think so.” Remus scrunched his nose when he looked down. He had no idea how to get down from here again without breaking his neck. He was sure that he wouldn’t be able to get back onto the lower branch to his left without falling off the one he was sitting on right now.

“It’s not as high as it looks.”

“I can’t get down here.”

“Yeah you can. Just do it like I did. Let yourself hang from the branch and I will lift you to the ground, alright?”

“What if I fall?” Remus asked hesitantly.

“I won’t let you. I promise.”

Remus took a deep breath. “Fine.” He slowly turned around, tightly holding onto the branch as he slowly slid off it. When Sirius grabbed his hips tightly, Remus let go of the branch and Sirius lifted him down.

“See? No problem.” Sirius smirked at him and winked – making Remus blush even more.

“Thank you.”

~

When they went back inside, Remus went to take a shower as well. It was an incredible relief to finally take the binder off, after wearing it for so long. He wanted nothing more than putting it back on right away when he finished showering, but he also knew that he shouldn’t. After wearing it for one and a half days straight, he really should take a break from it. Sighing, he dropped it back on the floor on top of his jeans, and instead picked up his sports bra. Wearing one of those was better than wearing a normal bra, since it flattened at least a little bit, but still. Remus’ breasts weren’t exactly small and he had never liked them, but right now, he would have given anything for them to be gone. They were nothing but a huge weight on his chest; a constant reminder that he wasn’t really a guy and never would be.

Of course Remus knew that the body did not define a person’s gender and he would never say those things about any other person – but he couldn’t stop thinking that way about himself. He knew a trans guy who didn’t want to transition at all and Remus did not at all think that this made him any less of a man. But still, Remus had those constant thoughts that he wasn’t a real guy because of his body.

Shaking his head and taking a deep breath, Remus finished dressing himself and then picked up the clothes he had worn before, left the bathroom and headed for Sirius’ room. He just wanted to ignore all this for a while and enjoy the time he had here.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your comments, reading them is always the highlight of my day!
> 
> Trigger warnings for this chapter:  
> There is talking about dysphoria, drugs, mental ilnesses, self-harm, rape and suicide attempts.

Sirius woke up in the middle of the night, a light smile appearing on his lips when he felt the warmth of the body next to him. But the smile disappeared instantly when he noticed how much Remus was shaking and heard his stifled crying.

“Remus?” he whispered quietly.

Remus breathed in sharply and his whole body froze instantly.

“What’s wrong?” Sirius rolled over and gently rubbed Remus’ back. “Can I help you somehow?”

“I- I’m sorry,” Remus hiccupped, curling himself together to a small ball and pulled the blanket tighter around himself.

“Please tell me what’s wrong.” Sirius reached over Remus to turn on the lamp on his nightstand. “I just want to help you.”

For a few seconds, Remus just sniffled and it sounded as if he was about to say something, but then he started to sob. Sirius didn’t know what to do – he didn’t know if it would be okay to hold Remus, or if that would make him uncomfortable, he didn’t know what to say to him, without making things any worse. But it broke his heart to see Remus like this.

“Is there anything I can do to help you, Remus? I’ll do anything. _Please_.”

“I- I’m s-s-sorry,” Remus stuttered and then sat up, keeping the blanket wrapped tightly around himself. His face was wet from the tears and his eyes were red and looked like he had been crying for a while – which made Sirius feel really bad for not waking up sooner.

“Don’t feel sorry.” Sirius moved a bit closer and gently laid his arm around Remus’ shoulder – ready to pull back instantly if Remus would show any signs of discomfort. But Remus leaned closer, so Sirius hugged him and just held him, giving him time to calm down.

“Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?” Sirius asked when Remus had stopped crying.

“It’s nothing. I’m just being stupid,” Remus murmured ashamed and turned his head, burying his face in the crook of Sirius’ neck.

“If it upsets you that much, it can’t be nothing.” Sirius tightened his hug and caressed Remus’ back with circling motions – his mom always did this when he was upset and he always found it very calming, so he hoped Remus would too.

“It- It was just this stupid dream…”

“Tell me about it. – If… if you want to, I mean.”

Remus turned slightly in Sirius’ arms and sighed quietly, his hands fidgeting with the blanket. “It’s just… I’ve had this dream – o-or a similar one at least – a lot of times and it… it just hurts so badly every time I wake up.”

“What did you dream about?”

“I-” Remus exhaled shakily. “I dreamt that I- that I was on T and that I had gotten surgery and everything and I-” He hiccupped and tears started to stream down over his cheeks again. “It just felt so good. And I just want it to be real so badly. But then I wake up and I…”

Sirius pulled him tighter against his chest when Remus started to cry again.

“I just feel really dysphoric today because of all the people who called me ‘miss’ on the airport and on the plane and I just… I just hate myself so much.”

It physically hurt Sirius to see Remus like that. He just wished Remus could see how amazing and wonderful and loved he was. – At least, for once, Sirius could actually be there and hold him, instead of just trying to comfort him through text messages.

“Hey, no…” Sirius rubbed Remus’ back and pressed a kiss on top of his head. “Please don’t say that, Remus. You’re such a wonderful guy. I’m so incredibly sorry you feel that way. I wish I could do something to help you.”

Remus tied his arms around Sirius’ neck and held onto him tightly, still crying desperately. They just sat there, hugging each other, until Remus slowly calmed down.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered and wiped the tears from his cheeks with the back of his hand. “I- I’m totally overreacting and I know that, but- I just…” He sighed and fidgeted with the blanket. “Nights are… always really hard for me. It just… everything seems so much worse. I’m… I’m _really_ sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize, Remus. It’s okay to cry. You’ve had a long and exhausting day and you’re tired and then you had that dream… It’s a lot to deal with, and I completely understand that, yeah? I’m glad I can be here for you, so if there’s anything you need, just let me know, okay? I’ll do anything to help you.”

“You’re really amazing, Sirius, I hope you know that,” Remus whispered and shyly took Sirius’ hand. “I know I sometimes act mean or am just sarcastic but-” he hesitated for a moment, “I’m just… really bad at saying things like that. It’s… it’s a bit easier through text messages, but still… I…” He exhaled shakily. “You’re really important to me.”

“You’re really important to me too.” Sirius squeezed Remus’ hand lightly. “And you don’t need to worry about being sarcastic or anything, it’s alright, yeah? I understand.”

“Thank you.” Remus pulled back from the hug and sat up, wiping his face with the sleeve of his sweater. “And I’m really sorry I woke you up. I didn’t mean to.”

“Don’t worry about that. You can wake me up anytime if you need me, okay?”               

“Thank you.”

“Anything.” Sirius moved off the bed and stood up. “I’m gonna get you some water, okay?”

Remus nodded and Sirius left the room, going downstairs to fill a glass with water for Remus. When he got back upstairs, Remus was sitting on the edge of the bed, his hands resting on his thighs and he was breathing deeply. Not wanting to disturb him, Sirius tried to be quiet when he closed the door behind himself. Nevertheless, when he turned back around, Remus’ eyes were open and he smiled lightly at him.

“Thank you,” he said quietly when Sirius handed him the glass of water. He emptied it at once and then put it on the nightstand.

“Do you feel better?” Sirius asked him and sat down next to him.

“Yes, thank you very much.”

“Anytime.” Sirius laid his arm around Remus’ shoulder and gave him a light squeeze. “Back to sleep?”

Remus nodded and they lay back down on the bed, turning off the light. For a few minutes, neither of them moved or said anything, but then Remus turned around and snuggled up against Sirius’ chest. A warm and fuzzy feeling spread through Sirius’ body and he pulled the blanket tighter around the two of them, drifting off to sleep with the deeply contenting feeling of holding Remus in his arms.

* * *

 

When Sirius woke the next morning, the bed next to him was empty. But then again – it was already past ten, so Remus was probably already up. Yawning, he stood up and went to the bathroom before he headed downstairs. Just as he’d thought, he found Remus there. He was sitting on the couch with a book on his lap and a cup of coffee in his hand.

“Morning,” Sirius said, his voice hoarse, since he just woke up. He bent over the back rest of the couch and wrapped his arms around Remus.

“Morning Sirius.”

“How long have you been up?”

“Since eight.”

“Oh.” Sirius let go of Remus and instead climbed over the backrest, sitting down next to him. “You could have woken me up.”

“No, it’s okay. I actually just wanted to get up to smoke, but then I ran into your mom and we talked for a while and she made me some coffee and afterwards I’ve just been reading.”

“Alright then.” Suppressing a yawn, Sirius leaned his head on Remus’ shoulder. “What are you reading?”

“The Perks of Being a Wallflower.”

“Is it good?”

“Very.” But then Remus put the bookmark on the side he was on and closed the book, putting it on the coffee table. “Your mom said you should tell her when you’re up, then we’ll have breakfast.”

“I’ll go tell her.” Sirius groaned tiredly when he got up again and then went to look for his mom. She was upstairs in her room, tidying up. “Morning Mom.”

“Good morning, Sirius.” She turned around to him and hugged him tightly. “Have you finally made it out of bed then? I told Remus he could wake you up, but he said he wanted to let you sleep. Talked to him for a while this morning. He’s such a nice boy.”

“He is.” Sirius smiled lightly.

Then, he and his mom went downstairs to the kitchen. “Do you want me to help you with breakfast?” he asked her, while he made himself a coffee.

“No, it’s alright. Go back to Remus, I’ll come and get you when it’s done.”

“Alright then.” He pressed a kiss on her cheek and then left the kitchen. When he entered the living room, he saw Remus sitting outside on the lawn, smoking a cigarette. Sirius went outside as well, sitting down next to him. Remus turned his head and smiled at him, before he scooched closer and leaned against him. Sirius laid his arm around Remus’ shoulder and then took a sip of his coffee. When he put the mug down on the ground though, he noticed something. The sleeves of Remus’ sweater were pushed back to his elbows. And even though Sirius knew he shouldn’t stare like this, he was unable to avert his eyes. Both of Remus’ forearms were covered in scars. Some of them thin and faded, barely visible white lines, but others were thick and pink – some of them even still scabbed. This was bad enough for itself, but then Sirius noticed that on both of Remus’ wrists, there were thick scars, right along his arteries.

His jaw clenched and he felt his chest tightening painfully. Instinctively, he held Remus tighter. But when he did that, Remus turned his head and looked at him. When he noticed that Sirius was looking at his arms, he squirmed uneasily and pulled the sleeves down over his hands.

“I’m sorry,” Sirius apologized immediately. “I didn’t mean to stare.”

“No, _I_ ’m sorry. I should have kept them covered. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“ _Me?_ Remus, you don’t need to cover your scars because of others. If you don’t want me to see them, because it makes _you_ uncomfortable, that’s one thing, but you don’t have to cover them because you think it will make _me_ uncomfortable. Please, okay? You can wear short sleeves if you want to, I promise I won’t stare again.”

“What about your family though?” Remus sighed. “They’ll think I’m a freak. Even more than they already do.”

“Hey, no.” Sirius frowned. “They don’t think that. I promise you.”

Remus just shrugged, but in that moment, Mom called them in for breakfast anyway.

~

This afternoon, they decided to go outside for a while, even though the weather wasn’t that nice and there really wasn’t a lot to see around here. It was nice though – but then again, how could it not be, when he was with Remus?

“Can I ask you something?” Remus asked carefully when they headed down the street towards the grocery store to pick up some things Mom had asked them to.

 “Sure.”

“Does your… uh, y’know… biological family… live here too?”

“No.” Sirius shook his head. “They live in London. They moved two years ago.”

“Do you ever see them again?”

“No. And I don’t want to, either.”

Remus nodded slowly. “What about your brother?” he asked then, “You once said you miss him.”

“I do,” Sirius sighed, “but… it’s probably better that way.”

Remus laid his arm around Sirius’ shoulder and gave him a light squeeze. “I’m sorry about that.”

“It’s alright.” Sirius shrugged and smiled lightly. “I mean… I have a family here.”

“Yeah. And a really great one too.”

“Yes.”

A few minutes later, they arrived at the grocery store. They grabbed everything Mom had told them to get, but when Sirius wanted to walk over to the checkout, Remus stopped him and instead pulled him over to the candy aisle.

“Do you really need _that much_ chocolate?” Sirius asked, raising an eyebrow, when Remus grabbed at least two of every kind of chocolate they had.

Remus just turned around and looked him dead in the eyes. “Yes.”

“Are you trying to stock up for years?”

“More like hours.” Remus grinned and nudged Sirius with his shoulder when he walked past him to the checkout counter. “You have no idea how much chocolate I can eat.”

“You just bought fifty quid’s worth of chocolate,” Sirius scoffed when they left the store after they had paid. “You need help.”

“Eh.” Remus just shrugged while he tore open the wrapping paper of a chocolate bar and took a bite.

“Can I at least have some?”

Remus scrunched up his nose. “But it’s my chocolate. You could have told me you wanted some too, then I would have bought more.”

“Come _on_. You can’t possibly eat all of this alone.”

Remus narrowed his eyes and took another bite of the chocolate bar. “Watch me.”

~

By the time they got back home, James had returned as well.

“So you’re still here?” he asked Remus when Sirius introduced them and grinned widely. “I would have thought by now, Pads would have annoyed you so much, you’re already on your way back home.”

“I’m getting close,” Remus laughed and prodded Sirius with his shoulder.

“Hey!” Sirius protested. “I’m not annoying.”

“You should have seen his dance yesterday morning,” James sighed and shook his head, ignoring what Sirius had said. “You would have turned around right away and went back home.”

Sirius grabbed a pillow and hit James against the shoulder with it. “Shut up.”

“Oh, so now you suddenly have shame?” James laughed and ducked when Sirius swung the pillow at him again, grabbing it and throwing it back at him. “Remus, you should have heard the song he was singing.” He opened his mouth and took a deep breath, about to start to sing it, but Sirius grabbed the pillow again and hit him right in the face with it. They both started laughing and James tossed the pillow back at him.

“I can’t believe there’s a dance and a whole song you withhold from me.” Remus shook his head and crossed his arms. “I’m _so_ disappointed.”

“I wanted to make a video, but he knocked the phone out of my hand.” James shrugged. “I’d love to show you, though. It was _so_ –”

“Will – you – shut – up – now!” Sirius punched him in the arm with every word. “Remus already thinks I’m some kind of obsessed freak because of Mom and Dad.”

“Well,” Remus grinned, “I already thought that before that, so…” He shrugged.

“Everyone is being _so mean_ to me,” Sirius complained. “This is so unfair.”

But before anyone could reply, they got interrupted when Remus’ phone started ringing.

“That’s my mom,” he said after he’d taken a look at the display. “Be right back.” He gave them an apologizing smile and then left the room.

“So.” James grinned widely at Sirius as soon as Remus had left the room. “Haven’t confessed him your undying love yet?”

“Shut up!” Sirius hissed, “I told you we’re just friends.”

“Of _course._ That’s what it sounds like when you talk about him for hours, even in your sleep – and that’s what it looks like the way you’re looking at him.”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “Even _if_. He doesn’t like me that way – and that’s okay. We’re friends.”

“Yeah, right,” James snorted and flopped down on his bed, tossing a pillow at Sirius. “Padfoot, if that bloke doesn’t like you back I’ll eat a broom. _Nobody_ would endure you if it wasn’t for that reason.”

“ _You_ do.” Sirius smirked and winked at him. “There something you wanna tell me, Prongs?”

Covering his mouth with his hand, James made a gagging sound. “No, _thank you_. I just made the mistake of adopting you into my family, so now I can’t get rid of you even if I want to.”

“Asshole,” Sirius snorted and rolled his eyes.

 

When Remus came back into the room, Sirius could instantly see that something was wrong. Even though he smiled lightly, the way he avoided Sirius eyes while he sat down next to him, and how he instantly pulled his knees against his chest and wrapped his arms around them, showed that something had upset him.

Sirius frowned worried and when he looked at James, he saw a reflection of his own expression. Wordlessly, James stood up from his bed and quietly left the room to let them talk. Remus looked up when he heard the door and sighed, looking as if he felt really bad for that.

“I didn’t mean to chase him away,” he said quietly, fidgeting with the sleeves of his sweater and lowering his gaze again.

“It’s alright.” Sirius turned towards him. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s- it’s stupid. I’m just –”

“Don’t say that about things that upset you,” Sirius said softly. “It’s not stupid. You can tell me what’s wrong.”

“It’s just… Mom promised me she and Dad would come pick me up on the airport when I came back home, but when she just called, she told me that they would have to go to Washington on the fourth and wouldn’t be back until the sixth. And I don’t want to be mad at them because she was really sorry, but still… I’m just… disappointed, I guess.”

“That’s totally understandable.” Sirius took Remus’ hand and gave it a light squeeze. “I’m sorry about that.”

“Thank you.” Remus smiled lightly. “It’s alright.” He turned his head and looked towards the door. “I think I’m gonna have to apologize to James.”

“You don’t have to apologize. He understands. – Also he was just being mean to me anyway.”

Remus laughed. “Completely out of all reason.”

“I think I’m gonna go to Wormtail’s and leave you two here being assholes,” Sirius sulked.

* * *

 

The three of them spent the rest of the afternoon and a good part of the evening, watching some movies together. Remus and James got along well instantly – and even though that meant a lot of jokes on his expense, Sirius couldn’t be happier. It sounded cheesy, but as long as Remus was happy and laughing, Sirius would take on any amount of jokes in exchange. – Also, most of them were pretty spot-on, to be honest.

Later that night, Sirius and Remus were lying next to each other on the bed, another movie playing on Remus’ laptop. James was sleeping downstairs on the couch – even though both of them had told him he didn’t have to. To be honest though, Sirius was glad they had the room to themselves. It might be selfish, but he would take any minute alone with Remus he could get.

“I haven’t seen this movie in years,” Remus said and then chuckled quietly. “I always had it in mind as so much funnier.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” He laughed again and shrugged. “But then again, I’ve never seen it sober, so it’s probably that.”

Sirius hesitated for a moment – there was a question he’d wanted to ask Remus for a while, but he wasn’t sure if it was okay to ask that or if it would make him uncomfortable or bring back bad memories.

“Can I… ask you something?”

“Sure.” Remus turned around to him and looked at him expectantly.

“I… I don’t know if it’s okay to ask that though. I don’t… I don’t want to be rude or make you uncomfortable or anything.”

“It’s okay. Just ask, I’ll tell you if I don’t want to answer it.”

“Alright.” Sirius nodded slowly. “It’s just… I’ve been wondering… you were… you were fourteen when you started with all those drugs and I just…” He hesitated for a moment. “How… how did you even get access to those things? I mean it’s not like I’ve been looking for anything and maybe I just have a blind eye for things like this, but I’ve never…” He sighed and paused for a moment, trying to find proper words to explain what he meant. “What I’m trying to say… is it really that easy to get those things? I mean… you were practically a child and I always thought it would be – or _should_ be – more difficult to get a hold of stuff like that.”

When Remus didn’t say anything and lowered his gaze, Sirius felt bad for asking.

“I- I’m sorry,” he apologized immediately. “I shouldn’t have asked that, I understand that you don’t want to talk about it.”

“It’s not that…” Remus said quietly. “I mean, I will tell you everything if you want to know. It’s not like I’m keeping this all a secret and even if… if there’s anyone apart from Lily that I would tell this, it’s you. It’s just… I’m scared of what you might think of me when you hear about all of this.”

Sirius reached out and took Remus’ hand, rubbing with his thumb over the back of it. “I promise you, it won’t change what I think of you. I admit, I have been wondering a lot about your past, but I would understand it if you don’t want to talk about it.”

“No, it’s… it’s okay.” Remus smiled lightly and sat up, leaning against the wall behind him. Sirius sat up as well, waiting quietly.

“Please don’t judge me for the things I’m about to tell you. I know I did a lot of wrong things, but… I can’t change them.” Remus pressed his lips together and pulled a pillow on his lap, staring down at it while his fingers absentmindedly rubbed over the fabric.

“I won’t judge you, I promise.”

Remus nodded slowly, and looked at Sirius for a moment, before he lowered his head again. “When I was fourteen, I had this friend. We’ve known each other for years and we hung out a lot, but it was more because we didn’t have any alternatives than anything else. Anyway, she had a cousin who was a two, maybe three years older than her and he always threw a lot of parties. I met him a couple of times and one day, he asked us if we didn’t want to come as well. We were curious and excited, so of course we accepted the invitation. When we were there, my friend and I stayed mostly in the background. – At least at first. But then I started drinking and as I got drunk I started to get more and more outgoing, and I actually ended up talking to a couple of people. We got along pretty well and I switched numbers with a girl I’d met there.   
“Not much later, she texted me, asking me if I wanted to come to another party with her and a few of her friends. I said yes. When I went there, I met her and her group of friends and one of them brought out a couple of pills. Everyone took them, so I wanted to try it too. He only gave me a half one, because it was my first time, but it had a strong effect anyway.” Remus stopped for a moment and exhaled shakily. He ran his hand through his hair and seemed to be searching the right words for a moment. “At that time… I already had a lot of problems with my depression. I never took it seriously though, I just thought I was being stupid and pathetic and I was just angry at myself for being sad and tired all the time. So when the pill started to have an effect, I… I was amazed. I felt great. I felt _awesome_. I had energy, I was happy, I was confident, my anxiety was gone…” Remus smiled bitterly. “I hadn’t felt this good in months. I loved it.   
“The effect didn’t fully wear off for almost twelve hours. I went home the next day feeling exhausted, but still great. I’d had the best night ever. I’d had a lot of fun, no anxiety or fears, no uncomfortableness and…” He sighed quietly and a blush spread over his face. “I had made out with one of the girls. I’d never made out with anyone before and…” He shrugged lightly. “I felt great about it. So when I got back home, despite my exhaustion, I still felt amazing, and I went to sleep right away.” Remus paused for a moment and looked at Sirius, before he continued. “But when I woke up… I had a really bad headache and I felt really drained. It didn’t get better – the next day I felt even worse. It’s one of the after-effects of ecstasy to feel anxious, depressed or irritated or things like that. But I didn’t know that. In my head I just made the connection between being sober and feeling like shit. Because I’ve felt like this before, so it seemed only normal for me that how terrible I felt was just because I was… me.   
“So I texted the girl who had invited me to that party and asked her when we could do that again. And, well, from then on I was hanging out with them all the time. We were a group of seven. Three girls – including me, since I still identified as a girl back then – and four guys. At first it was just ecstasy – and weed, from time to time. But pretty soon I tried acid for the first time.” Remus pressed his lips together and exhaled shakily. “And then over the span of a few months, shrooms… amphetamines… cocaine… heroin… crack… I basically tried out everything I could get. Everything that made me feel alive… Everything that made me feel… _something_.”

Pressing the back of his fingers against his mouth, Sirius failed to bring any kind of order into his thoughts right now. He just couldn’t believe this. Remus had been a _child_. He didn’t know what to think – let alone what to say – so he just sat there, staring at Remus, unable to even move.

Remus looked back at him for a moment, the emotions behind his eyes unidentifiable, before he took a deep breath and continued talking. “It went on for about two years, maybe a bit less. It was…” He shook his head lightly, “I don’t know what it was. When I was high, of course, I felt great. Most of the times at least. But of course it slowly started to destroy me. Whenever I was sober… I felt worse than ever. I started to cut myself… punch myself… burn myself… anything to try and make myself hurt physically instead of mentally.” Remus absentmindedly rubbed over his arms and went silent for a moment. He took a few deep breaths and then continued. “Anyways… for a while I had something going on with that girl I made out the first time I had taken ecstasy, but neither of us wanted something serious, so we broke it off. But then I… I sometimes made out with one of the guys – we weren’t together and I didn’t even particularly like him… it was just sex.   
“He was almost exactly five years older than me. His birthday is just ten days after mine. So… two weeks after my sixteenth birthday, we had this huge party. Lots of people, lots of drugs.” Remus jaw clenched and he buried his fingers in the pillow on his lap, keeping his head low, so Sirius couldn’t look at his face. “When the party was ending and people were leaving – or, uh, passing out – me and that guy, uh, we started to make out. But then a couple of other guys – uh, _three_ other guys – saw us and they came up to us and they… they started groping me.”

A terrible suspicion came up in Sirius mind and he involuntarily shook his head, fighting against the urge to scream.

“At first I thought they were just joking, but… they… they didn’t stop. I told them to stop touching me and to go away and leave me in peace and when they didn’t, I tried to get away, but…” Remus voice was shaking.

Sirius could feel tears welling up in his eyes and his throat closing up. He wanted this to stop. He didn’t want this to be real. It couldn’t be.

“They held me down.” Remus swallowed empty and opened his mouth to continue, but for a moment no words came out. “They… ripped my clothes off and they –” He broke off, exhaling heavily and turning his head away. “All four of them,” he whispered then.

A sob broke through the blockade in Sirius’ throat and he started crying, shaking his head, his hands clenching to fists.

Remus turned back to him, fearfully, as if he almost didn’t dare to look Sirius’ in the eyes. There were tears in his eyes as well, but his whole face was tensed, as if he couldn’t allow himself to cry – not now, at least.

“When I… finally got away,” he continued, his voice rough, but he seemed determined to finish telling his story, “I ran home. I… I felt disgusting. I felt dirty, worthless, unworthy to even be alive. I… gathered all the pills I could find and swallowed them and I…” He pulled on the sleeved of his sweater, rubbing his wrists. “I slit open my wrists. I just didn’t want anymore. I wanted it to stop – everything. But my… my parents returned home earlier and they found me. I was brought to the hospital and even though it was close call… I survived. I was unconscious for a couple of days but when I woke up, I broke down and told my parents everything. About the anxiety, the depression, the drugs and what those men had done to me.” Remus’ face changed, it looked angry now, bitter. “We went to the police, of course. Told them what had happened.”

Sirius closed his eyes, even though the tone of Remus’ voice promised nothing good, he had to ask. “ _Please_ tell me they got arrested.”

Remus laughed coldly. “You would think that would be appropriate, right? But no.” He balled his hands to fists. “I will admit, I don’t remember everything that was going on with the police and there was a lot more to it than that, but I… I will never forget what one of them said to me.” He turned his head and looked at Sirius. He looked so drained, so hurt and hopeless. “I led them on,” he said then, his voice empty. “I was sixteen. The youngest of those men was twenty-one. I was screaming and crying and begging them to let me go. They hit me, they chocked me, they hurt me so badly. Physically and mentally. I-” His voice broke and he shook his head lightly. “My parents just almost lost their child to suicide. And they couldn’t hold me, couldn’t comfort me, because I freaked out whenever they showed any signs of affection. I didn’t believe that I deserved their love. It took weeks for me to be able to look my parents in the eyes again. Months until I could hug them again. But this police man, this _fucking bastard_ has the nerve to tell me I led those men on. And I _believed_ him. I thought he was right.” Remus clenched his jaw and his face was full of hatred. “What those men did to me was – and still is – the worst thing that has ever happened to me,” he said slowly, his voice surprisingly calm in contrast to his facial expression. “But what this police man said, destroyed me completely.”

For a couple of minutes they both were quiet. Sirius had stopped crying, but tears were welling up in his eyes again. He just couldn’t believe this. This just couldn’t be true.

“When I got out of the hospital, my parents could take me home first. It was already clear that I would go to a clinic for a while, but the planned start was a few days later. But when I got home… when I entered the apartment… I completely broke down. After what had happened with the police I felt even worse about myself and I didn’t feel like I deserved to be there, I didn’t deserve to be alive, I didn’t deserve that my parents cared about me. I… I started crying and screaming and I wanted to jump off the balcony and when my father held me back before I could get out there, I started punching and kicking and… I just completely freaked out. So my parents called an ambulance and I was committed to the clinic immediately.” Remus smiled halfheartedly. “At first it was… terrible. I couldn’t sleep, despite the medicine, I refused to eat and I refused to talk to anyone. And the withdrawal was horrible. But it got better. The time there was really difficult and exhausting and I really don’t want to ever have to go back, but it helped me so much. I got clean – even though I’ve had a few relapses, even after I left there –, I acquired skills to help me with my anxiety and depression and my problems with self-harm, and of course therapy helped me to deal with what had happened to me. I now know that it wasn’t my fault. I know that this police man was an asshole and that it wasn’t true.” Remus raised his head and Sirius could see in his eyes, that he was really proud of himself for being able to say that. – Which was completely justified.

“It was also during my time there that I realized that I’m trans. My parents had some doubts when I first told them, because they thought it might be a coping mechanism, me trying to protect myself from what had happened, but they also talked to my therapist about this and as soon as they knew that I was absolutely sure about this, they were totally supportive.  
“Also while I was there, Lily started to write me letters. We had talked a couple of times in school and when she’d heard what had happened, she sent me a letter there. We immediately got along well and we sent letters back and forth and she called me in the evenings and when I was allowed to go home on the weekends, we spent a lot of time together and we’ve been best friends ever since. She also helped me to keep up with school – there was a school in the clinic where each of us could work on their individual school work with the teachers there supporting us, and as soon as I was stable enough to go there, Lily kept me updated with what I was missing, so I could work on it there. I actually managed to stay in school that way.  
“I got out of the clinic a few months later and like I said, I could go back to school. It was really difficult sometimes, because even though I’d gotten a lot better, I still do have problems. I relapsed quite a few times, but I’m working on it and… I mean… compared to how I was before I got into the clinic… I’ve really gotten a lot better.” He looked at Sirius and smiled shyly. “And, well, the following summer we graduated and Lily went off to England… and a few months later you and I started talking and… the rest you know.”

For a few minutes, they both just looked at each other. Sirius exhaled slowly, shaking his head lightly.

“Christ, Remus…” he whispered. He opened his arms invitingly and when Remus smiled and leaned closer, Sirius hugged him tightly, glad that Remus was okay with this. “You are amazing.” He kissed the top of Remus head, fighting the urge to do the same with his lips, because the last thing he wanted right now was to make Remus uncomfortable and ruin everything. So instead, he just kept holding him tightly. “You are so unbelievably strong. And… this might not mean much, but I’m so proud of you. You went through so much and… look at you. You are such a wonderful person.”

Sirius tried to fight it, but he could feel tears welling up in his eyes again. Remus had gone through so much pain, had overcome so many things and he still thought so lowly of himself.

“I love you so much,” Sirius said, trying to hide how much his voice was shaking. “Never forget that, okay?”

“I love you too.” Remus pressed himself tighter against Sirius. They sat there in silence for a while, both occupied with their own thoughts.

“Sirius?” Remus asked then quietly.

“Yeah?”

“Do you… do you really not think any different of me now?”

“Well, actually, I do.” He could feel Remus tensing in his arms, so he hastily continued. “I realized that I completely underestimated how strong you are.”

Remus relaxed slightly, but freed himself from the hug. “But I’m not,” he said quietly.

Sirius frowned lightly. “Of course you are.”

“No, I’m not.” Remus shook his head and balled his hands to fists. “I still think about it a lot. Suicide, I mean. Sometimes… sometimes I’m really close to trying it again.”

Sirius’ heart stung painfully when he heard this and he couldn’t help but to pull Remus in an embrace again. “That doesn’t change anything. You are strong because you went through so much and you’re still here. You are strong because even though you have those thoughts, you fight them. I know life can be very painful – even though I will admit that I don’t know that nearly to the same extent as you – but look how far you’ve come! You’ve got family and friends who love you and would do anything for you. You just travelled completely on your own from New York to London – which I don’t think I could have done, to be honest. If it was the other way around I’d probably still be stuck at the airport trying to find my plane. And look – soon, you’re gonna start hormone therapy and you will get the surgery you want. Things are getting better, Remus, okay? I promise. And if it ever seems like they don’t, I’m here for you, okay? You are so incredibly important to me and I don’t want to lose you. I love you, okay?”

“You are so stupid,” Remus said, his voice giving away that he was on the edge of tears. “You always say those wonderful things and I want to say things like that too, but I can’t, so I’m just being mean, but you still like me and –” His voice broke when he started crying and he tied his arms around Sirius’ waist and hugged him tightly.

“Hey, it’s okay, Remus,” Sirius said softly and rubbed over his back. “I told you, I understand that.”

Remus pulled back from the hug and wiped his tears off with the sleeves of his sweater. “It’s not fair,” he pouted, “why are you so great at that?”

Sirius grinned. “I guess it’s just in my DNA to be great at everything,” he said smugly.

Remus snorted and punched him in the arm. “You’re an idiot.” He smiled at him though and blushed lightly. “But you’re still my friend and I still love you a lot.”

“Good.” Sirius pulled him in another hug. “Are you alright?” he asked then. “That was pretty stirring, wasn’t it?”

“I’m okay.” Remus smiled at him and nodded.

“Alright. – It’s getting pretty late. Do you think you can sleep now, or would you rather stay up for a while and do something else to calm down a little?”

“I’m okay. I’m just gonna to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.” Remus got up from the bed and left the room. A few minutes later, he came back, smiling lightly at Sirius as he slipped back under the covers.

“That’s now two out of two nights here that I was crying and got really emotional,” he said then. “If every night’s like this, I reckon you’re gonna need a therapist too by the time I’m leaving here again.”

Sirius laughed and rolled his eyes lightly. “Tonight was my fault though. I started asking questions. – But thank you, by the way, for… trusting me with this and telling me.”

“Nothing to thank me for.” Remus smiled at him. “Is it okay if I turn on another movie?” he asked then. “I really can’t be in silence right now.”

“Of course. Whatever you want.”

Remus started another movie and dimmed the brightness of the laptop screen to its lowest setting before he turned back around. “Goodnight, Sirius,” he whispered.

“Goodnight, Remus.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this chapter! Kudos and comments are very appreciated xxx


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter isn't that long but I hope you like it though!  
> Also for those of you who don't know yet, I started work this week and I know it's only the second day today, but it's just really demanding and I'm really exhausted when I get home, so I don't know how much I will be able to write in the next time  
> I'm sure it'll get better once I get used to the long days though!

Remus Lupin was in love.

And it was stupid. Completely, absolutely, fully, in any way possible. It was stupid and embarrassing and pathetic and it would _not end well_.

He had already feared this would happen. He had been afraid of this for a while, but especially since he had gotten here. And now, after last night, he just couldn’t deny anymore that he was completely in love with Sirius Black.

But how could he not? How could he not, when Sirius, who had been an amazing friend through text messages those past few months, was even more wonderful in person? When Remus told him everything, all the terrible things he’d done, everything that had happened to him and Sirius looked at him with so much kindness and understanding and told him that he was proud of him and that he still loved him?

Remus had lain awake for hours last night, unable to fall asleep with his heart pounding fast and hard in his chest, with his thoughts never-endingly circling around Sirius.

Stupid Sirius Black with his stupid soft, grey eyes and his stupid hair and his stupid smile and his stupid winking and his stupid hugs and stupid touches and his stupid soft hands.

And stupid, stupid Remus who had fallen for him head over heels.

This was so stupid. Very stupid and very bad. He couldn’t let Sirius know about this. It was stupid and pathetic and if Sirius would find out about this, their friendship would be over. And Remus didn’t want that. He wanted to be Sirius’ friend a thousand times more than losing him because of his stupid heart deciding to fall in love.

So he had to keep it secret.

Which, unfortunately, was a lot easier said than done.

He had woken up before Sirius again and had gone downstairs. Mrs. Potter had made him coffee and then he’d gone to the backyard – quietly, to not wake James up, who was sleeping on the couch – and had been sitting there, listening to music, smoking and drinking coffee. He had almost managed to convince himself that it would be fine. He could hide this. He just mustn’t say anything.

But then Sirius had come outside to join him. And Remus face had been a deep shade of pink from that moment on.

For the first time in his life, he was grateful that even under normal circumstances he was blushing all the time, because not even Sirius seemed to notice that Remus was blushing more than usual.

When they ate breakfast, together with James and Mrs. Potter, Remus tried to keep his eyes fixed on his plate, but he still caught himself staring at Sirius a couple of times.

Remus knew that he was overreacting and he knew that he was acting really weird, but he just had no idea what to do with himself. He had never been in love with someone and he wasn’t sure if he liked it.

 

It got better though. Remus didn’t stop blushing and he didn’t seem to be able to avert his eyes from that stupid leather choker Sirius was wearing today that snug so tightly around his neck, but other than that, he was slowly able to relax again. After all, it was still the same Sirius Remus also loved so much as a friend.

The weather hadn’t looked that bad in the morning, but around noon, thick dark clouds approached and it started to rain, so they decided to stay in again. They settled down on the couch and decided to watch a movie.

Afterwards, James suggested that they could play something on their PlayStation. Remus wasn’t really a fan of games though, so he decided to just watch them and read a little instead. At some point during the afternoon, Lily texted him, to confirm when and where they would be meeting in London tomorrow.

“Sirius?”

“Yeah?” Sirius tore his eyes off the television screen for a second to look at Remus.

“Lily asks if maybe she could spend the night here tomorrow. So she doesn’t have to go all the way from Brighton to London and then back again on the same day.”

“Sure,” he said absentmindedly and in the next moment cursed loudly when he lost the battle against James.

“Shouldn’t, uh, shouldn’t you maybe ask your mom?”

“Oh. Yeah. You play for me.” He stood up and tossed the controller in Remus’ lap. “And don’t lose.”

“I don’t even know how this game works,” Remus protested, but Sirius didn’t listen to him. So Remus just aimlessly pressed buttons, trying to figure out what they did.

“How the bloody hell did you do that?!” James suddenly roared and cursed loudly.

“What did I do?”

“You won!”

“I what?” Remus blinked confused. “Okay, either I’m a natural or you’re just really, really bad.”

James just glared at him.

“For the sake of your dignity, let’s just assume the first one.”

“What did I miss?” Sirius asked when he came back.

“Remus is a ruddy cheater, that’s what you missed.”

“You won?” Sirius grinned at Remus. “Ah, Moony, I always knew you’re fantastic.” He bent over the back rest of the couch and pressed a kiss on Remus’ cheek – which immediately made Remus’ face turn a dark shade of red – before he grabbed a throw pillow and hit James over the head with it.

James grabbed the pillow and jumped up and a second later they were chasing each other through the house, smacking each other with the pillow.

“My boys,” Mrs. Potter sighed loudly when she came into the living room and handed Remus a cup of coffee before she sat down next to him. “I give them ten seconds until they break something.”

Remus laughed and thanked her for the coffee, taking a sip. And really, only moments later, there was the loud clank of something breaking.

“There we have it,” Mrs. Potter sighed and turned her head towards the sound. “Boys!” she called out loudly.

“It wasn’t me!” Sirius and James shouted at the same time.

She rolled her eyes fondly, but then stood up and went to see what had gotten broken. A few minutes later, James and Sirius came back to the living room.

“What did you break?” Remus asked when Sirius sat down next to him.

“Me? Nothing. It was this stupid bloke,” he said and kicked James against the shin.

“ _You_ threw the pillow,” James protested.

“And _you_ didn’t catch it.”

Remus laughed and shook his head lightly. “Can we just agree that you’re both idiots?”

“Be grateful you have that coffee there, Moony,” Sirius said, narrowing his eyes. “Because otherwise I would beat you up with that pillow too. But Mom would never blame _you_ for spilling coffee and I really don’t want to be responsible for ruining another couch.”

“Another one? So you already ruined at least one?”

“He spilled nail polish all over it,” James laughed.

“Nail polish?”

“Hey, I totally rock that!”

“Didn’t doubt that for a second.” Remus raised his hands defensively.

“You see that Prongs?” Sirius said and laid an arm around Remus’ shoulder. “That’s what you were supposed to react like when I started painting my nails. And not laugh for twenty-five minutes.”

“I didn’t laugh because you were painting your nails, I laughed because you were trying to tell me that didn’t mean you’re gay.”

“For the last time.” Sirius hit James with the pillow again. “I’m not gay because I like to paint my nails black, I’m gay because I like dick up my ass.”

“ _Sirius! Language!_ ” Mrs. Potter called from the kitchen immediately.

Remus pressed his hand over his mouth, trying to stop himself from snorting coffee all over the couch and he actually had to get up and walk away because he was laughing so hard. He could hear James starting to roar with laughter as well and Sirius hitting him with more pillows.

When he finally managed to stop laughing, Remus’ stomach was hurting and he had actual tears in his eyes. “Jesus Christ, Sirius. Are you trying to kill me?” He sank down on the couch, shaking his head and pressing his hand on his hurting stomach.

“It really wasn’t _that_ funny.”

But James was still laughing so hard he didn’t even make an actual sound anymore. “That- that was almost as good as –” He stopped talking and started laughing again. “That- time with- with Dad.” He slid from the couch and started laughing even harder. “Tell- tell him,” he wheezed and pointed at Remus.

Remus raised his eyebrows and looked questioningly at Sirius. Sirius sighed and rolled his eyes.

“About two or three weeks after I’d come out to Mom and Dad, I was sitting here with Prongs and we were talking and I was telling him, um, rather detailed about a… certain dream I had had, if you know what I mean… just to find out that Dad had heard everything.”

James was hollering and his face was deep red. “Tell- tell him what- what Dad said.”

Sirius wanted continue talking, but James interrupted him. “Wait- I- I want to.” He sat up and leaned his arm on the couch. But when he opened his mouth to start talking, he started laughing again. Remus couldn’t help it – he had to laugh too. James was trying to tell him to stop laughing, but it just made both of them laugh even harder so for a couple of minutes they just sat there trying to calm down.

“Okay, okay, okay.” James took a deep breath. “So.” He took another deep breath. “Dad-” He snorted and pressed his hand on his mouth to stop himself from laughing. Remus was pressing his lips together, forcing himself to deep breaths, so he wouldn’t laugh.

“Dad was- He was standing right there- and he- he just looked at Sirius and said-” But before he could tell Remus what Mr. Potter had actually said, James starting laughing again, tears streaming down over his face.

“He said ‘please not on my couch’,” Sirius ended, sounding slightly annoyed.

It probably wasn’t that funny. – But just the combination of Sirius looking 700% done with everything, and James still roaring with laughter, made it impossible for Remus to not start laughing again.

It took forever for them to calm down. Because whenever James calmed down, Remus’ laughter made him laugh again and vice versa.

“Oh, please- please stop,” Remus wheezed, pressing his hand on his stomach. “I can’t.”

James nodded, he was still laughing, but he seemed to run out of breath too.

“Christ,” Remus panted. “I haven’t laughed this hard in months.”

“I hate you both,” Sirius proclaimed – which made James and Remus laugh again. “Oh my god.” He stood up from the couch and walked away from them.

“Okay- Okay, really,” James pressed out between heavy breaths a few minutes later. “I can’t.”

Remus nodded and wiped the tears from his eyes with the sleeve of his sweater. It took a few more minutes until they had completely calmed down – so they could look at each other without breaking into laughing fits again.

“Where d’you reckon Sirius has gone?” Remus asked James then.

“Oh, he’s probably with Mom in the kitchen. Sulking.”

James stood up and Remus followed him to the kitchen.

“So have you finally stopped laughing about poor little Sirius then?” Mrs. Potter asked them when they came into the kitchen.

“Oh, poor little Sirius, I am so sorry for laughing at you,” James said teasingly to Sirius, who was sitting on the kitchen counter.

Sirius grabbed a spatula that was lying to his left and smacked him on the head. Then he narrowed his eyes and looked at Remus, daring him to make fun of him.

“I’m not saying anything.” Remus raised his hands defensively. “I’m just gonna start laughing again.”

“Oh my god,” Sirius snorted. “I hate you both so much.”

“Oh, but we’re so sorry, ickle Pads. We didn’t mean to hurt you, you poor innocent little soul.” James pouted and pretended to wipe a tear from his cheek. Sirius swung back to hit him with the spatula again, but before he could do that, Mrs. Potter had snapped it out of his hand.

“I need this for cooking.”

Sirius sighed and then slid down from the counter and smacked James with his hand instead. James hit him back and a moment later, they were chasing each other through the house again. Remus looked after them, chuckling quietly and shaking his head.

“Oh, Remus, dear,” Mrs. Potter said then and looked at him. “Sirius asked me about your friend coming over tomorrow and it’s no problem of course. She’s welcome to stay.”

“Thank you so much.” Remus smiled at her. “Do you need any help with cooking, by the way?” he asked then.

“No, don’t worry, that’s fine, but thank you. If you… maybe could try and get them to stop so they don’t break anything else though. That would be nice.” She frowned and nodded towards the living room, from where they could hear James and Sirius.

“Sure.” Remus nodded and then left the kitchen, heading back into the living room. It wasn’t necessary to tell them to stop though. By the time Remus came into the living room, James was lying on his stomach, Sirius pinning him down.

“I beat the ferocious beast.” Sirius wiggled his eyebrows. “So I get to marry the cute prince.” He winked at Remus, who felt his face reddening instantly.

“Christ, Padfoot, you do whatever you want to your prince but get your ass off me.”

Sirius laughed, but then he stood up and reached for James’ hand, pulling him on his feet as well.

“Now you know what I have to put up with every day,” James muttered as he walked past Remus, heading for the bathroom upstairs.

Remus had looked at James while he had talked, so he didn’t see Sirius walking up to him and it took him by surprise when Sirius suddenly wrapped his arms around him.

“Now then, my prince,” he murmured quietly. Remus’ heart sped up in his chest and his face darkened yet again. “Now that I have slaughtered the evil beast and you are officially mine, what do we do next?” Sirius’ voice was deep and sounded hoarse and his lips were so close, they brushed Remus’ ear.

All Remus would have to do was to turn his head and their lips would meet. One small movement and he would be kissing Sirius.

But he couldn’t do that.

Remus swallowed empty and exhaled shakily. He didn’t want this moment to pass, but he didn’t know what to say. Sirius didn’t say anything else either, so they just stood there while Remus still fought against the urge to turn his head and kiss Sirius.

“Just remember, fellas, not on Dad’s couch.” James grinned when he came back downstairs and walked past them, flinging himself over the backrest of said couch.

Both Sirius and Remus chuckled when they broke apart, but when they looked at each other, for a split second Remus could have almost sworn that Sirius had been thinking the same as he. Shaking his head lightly, Remus took a deep breath and tried to clear his head. Nothing but wishful thinking.

* * *

 

They spent the rest of the time until dinner watching some television. Remus also texted Lily back and told her that she could stay tomorrow night.

When they were done with eating and with helping Mrs. Potter clean up, Remus went outside to smoke while Sirius went upstairs to take a shower and James was in the living room, talking about something with his father.

The sky had cleared up again and it was pleasantly warm. Remus shove the sleeves of his sweater back and leaned against the wall behind him. Absentmindedly, his fingers trailed over the scars on his forearm.

He winced slightly when he suddenly heard someone stepping closer behind him and hastily pulled the sleeves down again. It was James. He looked down at Remus’ arms for a moment – Remus was fairly sure that he’d seen the scars – but he didn’t say anything about it.

“You alright?” he just asked.

Remus nodded and smiled lightly.

“I, uh…” James hesitated for a moment, searching for words. “Sirius talks a lot about you,” he said then, “which – I know – I’ve said a lot of times, but I’m not trying to make fun of him right now. I just want to say… He never told me a lot of details, because he didn’t want to share anything he wasn’t sure you’d want me to know, but I do know, that you have quite a lot of weight on your back. I never meant to butt into something, but sometimes when you were feeling bad or when you weren’t texting Sirius, he would talk to me about this, because he was getting worried. – Anyway, what I’m trying to say is: I know you are here for Sirius. But, as long as you’re with him, Remus, – in what way ever – you’re part of my family. And I’m here for you, yeah? And my mom and dad as well, okay?”

“This really means a lot to me. Thank you so much, James.”

“Of course.” James smiled at him.

“What am I missing out here?” Sirius stepped out through the door, wearing sweatpants and a tank top, a towel around his shoulder and his hair was still dripping wet. “More jokes about me?”

“What else would we be talking about?” James laughed. “Anyway, since you freed the bathroom, I’m gonna take a shower now.”

“Good. Because you smell.” Sirius smacked James with the towel when he was walking past him. “You okay?” he asked Remus then.

“Yeah, I’m fine, thank you.”

Sirius smiled at him. “I can’t wait to meet Lily tomorrow, by the way. The way you talk about her, she has to be really great.”

“Yes, she’s amazing.” Remus smiled widely. “I miss her so much, I haven’t seen her in months. I’m so excited to finally see her again.”

“Yeah, I can imagine that.”

They went back inside and when James was done, Remus took a shower as well. Afterwards, they watched some more TV downstairs, until James told them to go upstairs because apparently for his – and for Sirius’ – standards, having to get up at nine was having to get up early, so he wanted to call it an early night.

Of course, if Remus would have been able to sleep longer, he would do it too, but he woke up between seven and eight most days, so it didn’t make a difference for him.

When Sirius and Remus were upstairs and in bed, Remus put on a movie, but neither of them was paying much attention. Sirius was on his phone and Remus was reading – he just didn’t like silence, so he had pretty much always a movie or a TV show on in the background.

After a couple of minutes, Sirius put his phone away and turned towards Remus, laying an arm around his waist and snuggling against him.

“Sorry,” he said then insecurely, “is it… is it okay if I do that?”

_More than okay._

“S-sure.”

“Okay. But if I ever make you uncomfortable, just tell me, yeah?”

“Of course.”

“Good. Because I want you to feel comfortable when you’re with me.”

“I do, Sirius.” Remus laid his hand on Sirius’. “Believe me, I do.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry for how long it took me, but I've been really stressed out and I barely existed between working and sleeping.  
> I hope it won't take quite this long for the next one.

James hammered against the bathroom door. “Sirius, open the bloody door!”

“Just five more minutes!”

“That’s what you said twenty minutes ago!”

“So what?”

“Come on, I need to get in there as well.”

“Your face is a lost cause anyway, Prongs.”

Remus chuckled quietly when he ran into James standing in front of the bathroom door.

“Yeah, you can laugh,” James muttered. “You get up on the crack of dawn every day, so you had more than enough time getting ready.”

“I got up only twenty minutes before you and Sirius did today,” Remus disagreed. “Ten of which I spent smoking and drinking coffee.”

James groaned and then hammered against the bathroom door again. “Sirius you’ve been in there for forty minutes. What on earth takes you so long?!”

Remus laughed and then went downstairs, dropping his backpack on the couch as he walked past it to go outside to smoke another cigarette. When he was done, he sat down on the lawn and took a few deep breaths, trying to calm himself down. Since he woke up, he’d had this stupid nervous / close to anxious feeling even though he didn't know why. He was looking forward to this day. He really wanted to see Lily again and London would be amazing for sure. And yet he couldn't shake off this stupid feeling. Eventually though, he decided to give it up and went back inside again. Sirius was in the kitchen making himself a coffee.

“So you finally gave the bathroom free then?” Remus said teasingly.

Sirius turned around to him and rolled his eyes, grinning lightly though. “What can I say? Beauty like this,” he gestured to himself, “takes its time.”

Remus snorted and rolled his eyes fondly, but he could feel himself blushing. Sirius, of course, did look amazing once again.

“Anyway, we have fifteen more minutes until we have to leave. You already ate, right?”

Remus nodded and Sirius grabbed an apple before they went back to the living room to wait until James was ready too. At twenty past ten they said goodbye to Mrs. Potter and then left the house, heading for the train station.

The train ride to London took them just a little under one and a half hours and they arrived there almost exactly at noon. Lily would arrive about ten minutes later and so Sirius, James and Remus went to the place outside King’s Cross, where they’d agreed to meet Lily, to wait for her.

Sure enough only a few minutes later, Remus heard Lily shouting his name loudly. When he turned around, he could see her immediately, her dark red hair waving behind her as she ran across the place and then flung her arms around his neck. Remus pulled her against his chest and hugged her tightly.

“God, I missed you so much!” Lily tightened the hug for a moment, before she pulled back and smiled widely at him.

“It’s so good to see you, Lily. How are you doing?”

“I’m fine, how about you?”

“Yeah, me too.” Remus smiled at her and then turned around to introduce her to Sirius and James.

They all agreed to get coffee first and when Sirius and James turned around to go ahead, Lily nudged Remus in the side and nodded towards Sirius, mouthing “ _Wow_.”

Remus rolled his eyes, but he could feel himself blushing when he grinned and mouthed back, “ _I know_.”

Lily laughed and slung her arm around Remus’ waist. “I missed you so much, Rem,” she said then again.

“I missed you too.” Remus laid his arm around her shoulder and gave her a squeeze.

They went to the nearest Starbucks to get some coffee and because the weather was really nice, they sat down outside.

“You can’t be serious,” Lily groaned when Remus pulled out his cigarettes and lit one. “When did you start with this shit again?”

Remus just shrugged. “Few weeks ago.”

“You are _so_ stupid.” She shook her head. “Don’t you remember how hard it was to stop the last time?”

Deciding not to answer this, because he really didn’t want to have this discussion right now, Remus just shrugged and took a sip of his coffee. Lily dropped the subject as well, but Remus knew she would want to talk about this again later.

Anyways, while they all were drinking their coffees, they discussed what they would want to do today. Remus hadn’t been in London in over ten years and he barely remembered anything from back then, so he didn’t know the city at all. Sirius and James apparently were here all the time though and Lily had been here a couple of times as well since she was studying in Brighton and they all had a place – or actually a store – they wanted to go to.

When they finished their coffees, they went back to King’s Cross and got on the underground there. Remus wasn’t really a big fan of the underground – it made him feel trapped and anxious – but at least it wasn’t very crowded at the moment.

Lily insisted on taking them to the store she wanted to go to first, but she refused to tell them – mainly Remus – what it was.

“I bet it’s some stupid boutique or some makeup store,” James groaned.

“Oh.” Sirius clapped his hand on James’ shoulder. “Thanks for reminding me. If we go anywhere they sell makeup, I need to get new eyeliner.”

“Stop being such a girl.” James rolled his eyes. “It’s pathetic.”

The last word was barely out of his mouth, when Lily spun around and dug her finger into his chest. “Do _not_ use my gender as a derogatory term, you cranberry fucknut!” She turned back around and continued walking, but James stopped slack-jawed and Sirius was laughing so hard, he couldn’t walk anymore either.

“Did- did she just… call me a… cranberry fucknut?” James blinked perplexed and looked at Remus.

“That’s what she calls misogynistic people.” Remus shrugged.

“But I’m not– That’s not–  I’m–” James groaned frustrated. “I’m not misogynistic. That’s just something people say.”

Remus raised an eyebrow. “Just because ‘people say it’ doesn’t mean it’s okay.”

“But I–”

“Nah, mate,” Sirius interrupted him when he finally stopped laughing. “Honestly, I think you should apologize.”

“I didn’t mean to insult her.”

“I know, okay? But now go and make sure Lily knows too.”

James sighed, but then hurried to catch up with Lily. Sirius turned towards Remus, frowning lightly.

“Honestly though, Remus,” Sirius said as soon as James was out of hearing distance. “He’s not an asshole. He just sometimes doesn’t understand how some things can be offending, or just doesn’t think it through. He doesn’t mean to be rude though.”

“It’s alright, don’t worry.” Remus smiled lightly at him. “I know James isn’t an asshole. And I’m not angry - and Lily isn’t either for sure. Especially since he’s apologizing.”

“Good.” Sirius smiled back at him and when they continued walking to catch up with Lily and James, he laid his arm around Remus’ shoulder. It wasn’t like this came completely unexpected - since Remus was here, Sirius had been touching him in some form more or less all the time - but still, Remus could feel a blush creeping over his neck up to his face once again. 

James and Lily were waiting for them not very far away and - just as Remus had said - everything between them seemed to be alright again.

“So are you gonna tell us where we’re going now?” Remus asked Lily then. 

“Nope,” she grinned, “but you’re gonna love it.”

“Just tell me,” Remus groaned.

“Nope. But you will see soon. We’re almost there.”

“I think I know where we’re going,” Sirius suddenly said and then he looked at James. “Do you remember that time we were here with Peter and we were in that one store where he accidentally tripped over that little girl and her mother almost killed him?”

“Oh,  _that_  one. Yeah, I love that store.”

“This is so unfair,” Remus protested. “Everyone knows where we’re going but me.”

“Gosh, you are  _so_  adorable when you’re all pouty and petulant,” Sirius gave Remus a squeeze and laughed. “What are you gonna do next? Stomp your foot and throw a tantrum?” 

“Shut up!” Remus jabbed Sirius with his elbow. “I’m gonna punch you in the face.”

Now both James and Sirius started laughing. 

“Moony, my dear, you are unbelievably adorable.” Sirius shook his head. “Sometimes I just want to grab your cute little face and pinch your cheeks and -  _ow_ , for heaven’s sake, Remus, that was right on the nerve.” Sirius hissed and rubbed his upper arm where Remus had punched him. 

“Next time it’s gonna be your nose,” Remus grumbled.

“Aw, aren’t you a cute little guy.”

“Little?” Remus raised his eyebrows. “ _Puh-lease._ Without those stupid shoes you’re at least an inch shorter than me.”

“He’s got a point there, Pads,” James said then, “you’re not really in the position to call anyone little.”

“Shut up, both of you.” Sirius flipped his hair back dramatically and then walked up to Lily, laying his arm around her shoulder. “I’m just gonna hang out with her now and leave you two assholes behind.”

Lily laughed and shook her head. “You are idiots. All of you. This is unbelievable.”

“But Lily, we both know that you’re at least as much of an idiot as me.” Remus raised an eyebrow.

“But _those two_ don’t have to know that,” Lily stage-whispered to Remus and widened her eyes.

“Alright, whatever, can we now _finally_ go to that store please I need to know what it is.”

“You’re gonna _love_ it,” Lily grinned.

Less than five minutes later, they arrived at the store. And of course Lily had been right – Remus did love it. It was a huge toy store – about five stories high – and there was no way Remus would leave this store again without buying _everything_. Thankfully though, Lily, James and Sirius stopped him from that. They all were overly excited about all the stuff there though – and of course tried everything out that they possibly could, resulting in them almost getting kicked out when James knocked over a pile of Lego boxes because he was laughing so hard about some dancing stuffed animal in the aisle next to them.

“Remus, you know exactly you can’t buy this,” Lily said the _second_ Remus spotted a giant sloth stuffie.

“But I _need_ it,” Remus whined and took it off the shelf.

“Remus.” Lily sighed deeply. “It won’t even fit in your suitcase. It’s _huge_.”

“It’s a _sloth_.” Remus stretched out his hands and held it right in front of Lily’s face. “ _Sloth_.”

“I know, but-” Lily tried to take it out of Remus hands, but Remus pulled it back immediately. “Be realistic. What are you gonna do with it?”

Remus just scrunched up his nose. He knew Lily was right. It would impossibly fit in his suitcase, not even if he would leave everything else here. But… it was a _giant sloth and he needed it_.

Lily sighed exasperated and then turned around and went to get Sirius. “Can you _please_ tell Remus that he can’t buy this?”

“I don’t care what he says.” Remus wrapped his arms tighter around the stuffed animal. “I need to buy it.”

“Look at him, Lily,” Sirius wailed when he looked at Remus. “You can’t expect me to deny him anything. Look at this face how could you say no to this?!” He sighed dramatically and pressed his hand against his chest. “Christ, Remus, what are you doing with me, boy?”

Remus felt his face reddening deeply and he hid it behind the sloth. He _knew_ Sirius was joking. He had to be. Because there was no way Sirius really felt that way about Remus. But still. Jokes like this made it really hard for Remus.

“You are so useless,” Lily groaned and hit Sirius against the shoulder. “Remus, for real though. Put that thing away. You can’t get it.”

Remus sighed deeply, but eventually gave in. “Fine. But next time I come here I will get it.”

“So you’re gonna come to England again?” Sirius grinned.

“Duh.” Remus rolled his eyes fondly.

“Good. Because if not, I will come to New York and kick your sweet little butt.” Sirius winked at him, but luckily turned away when James walked up to them before he could see Remus blushing again.

 

They stayed in the store for a while longer, but suddenly a whole flock of children came walking exactly to where Remus was standing and even though he’d been feeling pretty much alright again, he instantly began to feel uncomfortable again. He involuntarily clasped Lily’s upper arm and pressed himself closer against her. She immediately caught up on what was going on and signalled James and Sirius to follow them as she led Remus out of the store.

“Are you alright?” she asked him as soon as they stood outside.

Remus nodded, but kept his gaze fixed to the ground. “I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing you have to apologize for, Remus,” Lily said softly. “It’s alright. Why don’t we go grab something to eat, yeah?”

“That sounds great,” Sirius agreed. “There’s a small restaurant not far from here. It’s great, but there usually aren’t a lot of people. That sound okay?”

Remus nodded, but still kept his head down. He still felt really uneasy and he also felt bad because he knew he should be happy. He was here with his friends and he should have a good day. But of course he had to ruin everything.

While they had been in the store, the sun had come out and it had gotten really warm. Remus was of course wearing long sleeves again and even though it was a very thin sweater, it was way too warm for him. Also the combination of the heat, his anxiety and the binder made it really hard for Remus to breathe. He didn’t say anything though, because Sirius had said the restaurant wasn’t very far away and once he could sit down, Remus would feel better again for sure.

The restaurant was pretty small and kind of hidden, but there really weren’t a lot of people. Still, Remus didn’t manage to relax again. He forced himself to a few deep breaths and focused on Sirius’ and James’ conversation to try and distract himself.

When the waitress came to take their orders Remus stumbled over what he wanted to say about three times. He blushed deeply and fought against the urge to hit himself in the face. Even though he was glad they didn’t, he couldn’t understand how none of the others laughed about him. He was being pathetic.

“So what do you boys want to do this afternoon?” Lily asked then. “Sirius and James, you said you wanted to go to Forbidden Planet right?”

“Yeah.” Sirius nodded. “I also wanna go to the Doc Martens store.”

“As if you could afford them,” James snorted.

“Hey, a guy can dream, alright?” Sirius punched him in the arm. “Also I need to get eyeliner somewhere.”

“Yeah that’s not gonna be hard to find. – Remus, is there anything you want to do?”

“Oh, uh… I don’t- I don’t know. I’m fine with wherever you guys want to go.”

“Are you sure? You know if you don’t feel alright and you’d rather go back, that’s alright. We all understand, Remus.”

“No.” Remus shook his head. “I really want to stay here. – _Honestly_ ,” he added when he saw Lily’s doubting look.

“Okay, good.”

Their food came not much later, and Sirius had been right, it was really good. When they were done eating and had paid, they went back on the underground to go to Forbidden Planet next. Remus had been to the one in New York a couple of times, but it had been a while since the last time. He mostly just followed Lily around because the store was pretty crowded and he really didn’t want to be alone between all those strangers.

“Just tell me if you need to leave, yeah?” Lily said to him and linked her fingers with Remus’. “I’ll come outside with you then.”

“It’s alright, thank you.” Remus smiled lightly at her.

They spent some time looking through all the stuff there and Remus decided to get some _Doctor Who_ stickers, because he’d been looking for something to put on his laptop ever since he’d gotten a new one and those stickers were really nice. Then he went downstairs together with Lily and they browsed a little through the comic books. Remus didn’t buy any of them though, because he’d never really read any and he had no idea where or with what to start.

“There you are,” Sirius suddenly showed up behind Remus and laid his arm around his shoulders. “I was looking for you.”

“Sorry.”

“No, don’t worry.” Sirius smiled at him. “You alright though?”

“Yeah, I’m okay.”

“Good. – Anything you want to buy?”

“Just these.” Remus held up the stickers to show them to Sirius. “For my laptop.”

“Nice.”

“Are you getting anything?”

Sirius scrunched up his face. “I don’t know. I really want that one _Spider-Man_ shirt they have, but I’m actually still saving up for a pair of Doc Martens, so I guess not today.”

“I could get it for you.”

“Oh, nuh-uh.” Sirius shook his head. “No way. You already got me this.” Sirius held his wrist with the leather cuff in front of Remus’ face. “You don’t have to buy me stuff.”

“Well. Technically it’s my parents buying you stuff. They’re the ones who pay my credit card bill.”

Sirius snorted and rolled his eyes. “Still. I’ll survive without the shirt. – But thank you. That’s very nice of you.”

“No problem.”

“I’m gonna take a look at the comics as well, yeah?”

“Sure.”

Sirius gave Remus a squeeze and then walked off, looking through some of the comic books. Remus turned his attention back to the shelf in front of him as well. But he was starting to feel really hot again, also his binder was pressing uncomfortably in his arm pits. He rolled his shoulders and tried to straighten his back more, taking a few deep breaths.

This was so stupid. And exactly the reason he hated summer.

Sighing frustrated, Remus turned away from the shelf and went to look for Lily. She was upstairs again, standing in front of a shelf of _Adventure Time_ and arguing about something with James.

“I tell you, James, it’s true.”

“I’m not saying it can’t be, I’m just saying that I don’t think it’s really official.”

Lily sighed frustrated. “Look. Throughout the show, BMO is referred to, using male _and_ female pronouns. Also they’re the only character who doesn’t have any noticeable differences in the gender-swapped Fiona and Cake episodes. BMO’s genderfluid and I don’t care what you shitcake say, it’s true.”

“Whatever.”

“It’s not whatever.” Lily punched his upper arm. “Show some enthusiasm. Nonbinary characters in TV shows are important.”

James frowned confused. “I thought you just said he was genderfluid.”

“Yes. Nonbinary is an umbrella term for all genders that aren’t strictly male or female.”

“Oh.”

“I see teacher Lily is in her element again,” Remus grinned when he approached them.

“Always.” Lily grinned back at him. “I’m gonna get that BMO funko pop. Look.” She showed it to Remus.

“That’s really cool. Have you seen Sirius?” he asked her then. “I thought we could go pay and leave it’s, uh… it’s getting kinda crowded.”

“Why don’t you two go and pay your stuff and then wait outside?” James suggested. “I’ll get Sirius and come after you.”

“Thank you.” Remus smiled lightly at him and then he and Lily went ahead to the checkout.

When they left the store and waited for Sirius and James, Remus reached in his pocket and pulled out his cigarettes.

“I really think it’s a bad idea that you started this again,” Lily sighed when Remus lit one.

“I know you don’t like it. But I’ve just been really stressed out lately. And believe me, smoking is still the best option out of all the other things I’ve been thinking about.”

Lily rubbed over Remus’ back and squeezed him lightly. “I’m sorry you’re not feeling that well. But you know you can always talk to me.

“I know. Thank you, Lily.”

 

James and Sirius came outside a few minutes later, and they grabbed a coffee before they went on the underground again to get to the Doc Martens store Sirius wanted to go to. But only after a few minutes on the underground Remus was suddenly feeling very nauseous and he clung tightly onto the grab pole, fearing that he might just faint if he let go of it. It was incredibly hot in there and Remus could barely breathe. He closed his eyes and lowered his head, trying to focus on nothing but staying upright and keeping on breathing.

When their stop came, they left the underground and for a moment Remus felt better, but even though it was only a short one, the staircase nearly killed him.

“Remus?” Sirius laid a hand on Remus’ shoulder and squeezed gently. “Are you alright?”

Remus shook his head. “I- I- can’t… breathe.”

“Shit, uh–”

“Remus?” Now Lily had noticed too.

“He says he can’t breathe.” Sirius held Remus tightly – for which Remus was very grateful because he was sure that without this, his legs would have given in. “What- what do we do?” Sirius sounded as if he was about to panic. “Should we call an ambulance or something?”

“It’s okay, don’t worry. You two, just wait here. Remus, you’re coming with me.” She slung her arm around Remus’ waist and pulled him with her.

“Where are we going?”

“Bathroom. You need to get out of that binder. At least for a few minutes.” There was a McDonald’s just next to the underground station and Lily pulled him in there. Remus instinctively tried to back out when he saw all the people in there.

“Remus, please.” Lily held onto his arm tightly. “The bathroom’s right over there. You’ll feel better if you get out of this thing for a few minutes, okay?”

Remus wanted to disagree, but when he started to feel dizzy again, he just nodded and followed Lily. But of course the toilet was full as well and as if the people themselves weren’t already bad enough, of course Remus had to use the women’s toilet, because he knew he didn’t pass and to be honest he would be too afraid to use the men’s one.

“Just keep breathing, Remus.” Lily rubbed his back. “It’s gonna be fine, yeah?”

Remus shook his head and turned towards the wall. He was sweating like crazy and he could barely breathe. All he wanted was to be home and hide in a blanket fort right now.

“It’s gonna be fine,” Lily repeated softly, continuing to stroke his back. “Are you gonna be able to get it off yourself?” she asked him when a stall got free.

“I don’t think so,” Remus answered honestly, even if he wanted to lie.

“Alright.” They squeezed themselves into the stall and Remus pulled off his sweater.

“Christ, Remus, you’re way too hot in this thing.” Lily shook her head. “No wonder you’re nearly collapsing.”

“I’m _fine_ ,” Remus pressed out between clenched teeth.

“Let’s just get you out of that binder, yeah?” Lily reached out for it, but Remus flinched.

“Sorry,” he muttered. “Reflex.”

“It’s okay.” Lily smiled understandingly. “I’m not gonna look. I promise. But you need to get out of this thing.”

Remus nodded and then turned his back towards Lily and raised his arms over his head, so she could pull off his binder. He immediately crossed his arms in front of his chest, but he could finally take a deep breath.

“Better?”

“Yeah.” Remus nodded, breathing deeply. “Thank you.”

“Anytime.”

Lily sat down on the toilet lid while Remus kept standing there with the back towards her and just focused on breathing.

“Remus?”

“Yeah?”

“I really miss you a lot. And I’m sorry I can’t be there for you when you’re going through tough times. Just this today… I want to be able to help you like this all the time. I’m really sorry I left.”

“Lily…” Remus sighed deeply. “You don’t need to apologise.” He reached back for his binder and put it back on, before he turned back around. “Please don’t feel sorry for going to Brighton. I wouldn’t have wanted you to stay because of me. I mean… I love having you close, of course I do, but you need to live your own life. I’ll be fine.” He nudged her shoulder. “Don’t worry about me, okay?”

“Christ, of course I worry about you.” Lily stood up again and hugged him tightly. “I love you, okay?”

“I love you too, Lily.”

Remus grabbed his sweater and put it back on.

“You need to get a t-shirt, Remus.” Lily shook her head lightly. “It’s too warm outside. I don’t want this to happen again.”

“I can’t wear short sleeves in public,” Remus sighed. “My arms look disgusting.”

“They don’t look disgusting, Remus. You fought. And you carry scars from that. There is nothing disgusting about that.”

“Agree to disagree?”

Lily rolled her eyes lightly. “I still think you should get a t-shirt. It’s so warm outside.”

“Fine. I’ll try it. But if people stare…”

“Then you can put your sweater back on.”

“Good.” Remus smiled at Lily and hugged her briefly before they went back outside where Sirius and James were waiting for them.

“Remus!” Sirius came up to him and hugged him as soon as he saw him. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry for that.” Remus smiled apologising at Sirius and James.

“You don’t have to apologise.”

“Uh, is it okay if we go somewhere where Remus can get a t-shirt before we go to the Doc Martens store?” Lily asked Sirius and James then.

“Sure. No problem.”

Remus got a cheap plain black shirt from the next store and even though he felt very insecure about his arms, he felt a lot better than with the sweater. After that, they went to the Doc Martens store and even though Sirius couldn’t afford them, it didn’t stop him from pointing at probably half of the shoes proclaiming that he was gonna get them.

“You know…” Remus grinned at him, “if you actually go through with your plan of marrying Neil Patrick Harris he’s gonna be able to buy you all of these.”

“True.” Sirius smirked. “But then again… with that credit card of yours, I’m sure you could do that too.” He chuckled and slung his arms around Remus’ waist. “You could buy me all the pretty stuff and make me your trophy wife.”

Remus blushed deeply but he rolled his eyes. “Sure. I can do that.”

“Oh my god.” James groaned and pretended to puke on the ground. “This is too gay for me.”

Neither Sirius nor Remus could reach him, but Lily punched him in the arm instantly. “A little gay is always okay.”

“Yeah, a _little_. I’ve seen guys fucking another guy in the ass less gay than this.”

“You watch gay porn?” Lily raised an eyebrow.

“Hey, a little gay is always okay,” James repeated her words from before and winked.

Lily laughed and shook her head. “Alright, you got me there.”

 

After they left the Doc Martens store, they went to a Sephora so Sirius could buy some eyeliner.

“Hey Lily,” he asked her, “if I get this liquid eyeliner too, can you show me how to use it?”

“Uh, yeah. Sure. I’m not that good at it though.”

Sirius snorted. “Yeah, right. You could cut someone with those wings.”

James snorted, but Lily smiled widely. “Thank you.”

Lily got a couple of things as well and after the both of them had paid, they left the store again.

After that none of them did really know where they wanted to go, so they just strolled around for a while longer and went into some shops whenever they saw one that looked interesting.

But then the evening rush hour started and every time a stranger brushed Remus while walking past him – no matter how briefly – he flinched. He had put his sweater back on in the hope that it made him feel like he could hide beneath it. It did help a little bit, but he still felt really uncomfortable. He kept his head down and stared at the ground, while he followed his friends.

“What do you think, Remus?”

Remus’ head snapped up when he heard Lily say his name. “Huh? I- I’m sorry, I didn’t pay attention.”

She frowned lightly and nodded. “I think it’s time to go back, yeah?”

“I-” Remus interrupted himself and stopped for a moment. “Only if that’s okay for all of you,” he sighed then.

“Of course. Let’s go back.”

The underground ride back to King’s Cross was a nightmare. There were so many people. Sirius took Remus’ hand and rubbed with his thumb over the back of it. He looked really worried, so Remus forced himself to a light smile. Sirius brushed his hand through Remus’ hair and gently nudged him closer. Now Remus’ smile turned genuine and he leaned against Sirius’ shoulder.

When Lily grinned at him and wiggled her eyebrows, Remus blushed, turning his head so she wouldn’t see it. A couple of minutes later, their stop came and they exited the underground.

“We have a train in ten minutes,” James said when he checked the timetable. They went to the platform to wait there for their train.

“What are you doing?” Remus chuckled when Sirius stepped up to him from behind and tied his arms around his waist, resting his head on Remus’ shoulder.

“Just holding you.” Sirius smiled at him. “That okay?”

“Of course it is.” Remus laid his hand on top of Sirius’ and squeezed it lightly. Sirius nuzzled his head in the crook of Remus’ neck and Remus felt himself blushing deeply. His heart was hammering fast in his chest and it cost him every ounce of self-control to not turn his head and kiss Sirius right then and there. But he knew it would be a bad idea to do this. Under any circumstances – but especially here in public.

 

They spent the train ride home mostly in silence. Remus was really tired so after a while he just leaned against Lily’s shoulder and dozed off for a little. They got back at around seven thirty. After they had said hello to Mr. and Mrs. Potter and Lily had introduced herself, her and Remus went upstairs, while Sirius and James stayed downstairs and were talking to their parents.

Remus took Lily’s bag to Sirius’ and James’ room while she went to the bathroom and then plugged his phone in and sat down on Sirius’ bed while he waited for her.

“So.” Lily came into the room and closed the door behind her before she turned back around to Remus and grinned at him. “You and Sirius,” she said then.

“What about us?” Remus asked, even though he knew exactly what she was about to say.

Lily sat down next to him and raised an eyebrow. “When are you gonna tell him that you like him?”

“I don’t–” Remus started to disagree, but he could see in Lily’s expression that she didn’t buy this bullshit for even a second. “I’m not gonna say anything,” he sighed then.

“Why not?”

Remus rolled his eyes and clicked his tongue. “Because I don’t want to ruin it. Look, he’s my friend. A _good_ friend. And I don’t want to ruin our friendship for something stupid like this. I like how things are right now.”

“Who says it would ruin anything? Have you ever seen how he looks at you? Remus, I tell you, he is crazy about you.”

“No.” The word came out sharper than Remus had wanted to. “I don’t want to hear any of this. I know Sirius doesn’t like me that way and that’s fine, okay? I love the friendship I have with him and I’m not gonna ruin this with something like that.”

Lily looked like she wanted to disagree, but she just sighed and raised her hands yieldingly. “Alright. It’s your decision.  – Anyways, I’m really glad you’re having a good time here. You deserve that.” She took Remus’ hand and smiled at him.

“Thank you Lily. I’m really glad you’re here.”

“Me too. – Now. Question: What time did you get up this morning?”

“What?” Remus frowned confused. “I don’t know. Half past eight or something.”

“So that’s almost twelve hours.” Lily raised an eyebrow. “Which is at least four hours too much.”

Now Remus caught up on what she was saying. “I know,” he sighed. “I’m gonna take it off later.”

“Not later, Remus. Now. Please. I don’t want you to hurt yourself.”

“Fine,” Remus gave in and then got up, grabbing his sports bra from the suitcase. He hated being without his binder, but he also knew that Lily was right. “I’ll be right back,” he said as he left the room and headed for the bathroom to change.

When he came out of the bathroom, he ran straight into Sirius.

“Sorry.”

“No problem. You alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Good. I was really worried about you today.” Sirius frowned and reached out to gently brush his fingers through Remus’ hair.

“I’m sorry about that.” Remus pressed his lips together and lowered his head.

“You don’t have to be.” Sirius fingers moved under Remus’ chin and raised his head again, smiling at him softly. “It’s not your fault. – Anyways, I, uh, I actually wanted to ask you something.”

“Yeah?” Remus swallowed empty, trying to force himself to keep breathing steadily – which was harder than it should be, with Sirius standing so close to him.

“Uh, James and me were wondering if maybe we should get a couple of drinks for tonight. But, uh, I just wanted to make sure you’re comfortable with that. It’s okay if not, it was just an idea.”

“No, that sounds fun.” Remus smiled at him.

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Alright then. I’ll go tell James.” But Sirius’ hand was still resting under Remus’ chin and for a few seconds they just stood there and looked at each other, neither of them moving a single muscle. All Remus would have to do was to lean in the tiniest bit and their lips would be touching. Just such a small movement…

Before he could make that mistake though, he stepped back and turned his head away. For a second he could feel Sirius’ gaze resting on him, but then Sirius turned around and went downstairs.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it conceited to say that I really like this chapter?  
> Maybe.  
> Does that mean I take it back?  
> No.

“So is Remus okay with drinking?” James asked Sirius when he came downstairs.

“Y-yeah. Yeah. He said it was fine.” Sirius brushed his hand through his hair and leaned against the counter, looking down at his wrist and fidgeting with the leather cuff.

“You alright?” James frowned worried.

“Remus is gonna kill me.” Sirius sighed deeply. “God, I just want to kiss him and hold him and never let him go again.”

“I mean… I would tell you you’re acting pathetic…” James grinned and nudged Sirius lightly with his shoulder. “But you already know that. So I’m gonna tell you something else instead: _Just. Do it._ ”

“No.” Sirius shook his head. “ _No_. No way. I can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

“First of all… I love the friendship I have with him. And I’m scared of losing it. And second of all… he’s been through so much. And I… what if I make him uncomfortable? Or what if…” Sirius swallowed empty. “What if I hurt him? I could never forgive myself.” He wrapped his arms around himself. Alone the thought of this tore his heart apart.

“Sirius.” James laid his hand on Sirius’ shoulder and squeezed it gently. “I’ve known you for more than seven years now. You’re an amazing friend, okay? You’re not going to hurt him.”

“But what if?”

“Hey, give yourself some credit, Pads. It’s gonna be alright. He loves you a lot – romantically or not, but he does. And he doesn’t seem like the kind of guy that trusts easily, but he definitely trusts you.”

“But what if that’s a mistake?” Sirius frowned and exhaled deeply. “What if I hurt him, Prongs?”

“You’re not going to, Sirius.” James sounded so sure about this. “It’s gonna be alright.”

“Jeez.” Sirius ran his hands through his hair and took a deep breath. “This is so stupid. He’s driving me absolutely nuts.”

“Oh, so you’re just now catching up on that?” James grinned. “Now come on, don’t be so pessimistic. Whether you tell him or not, it’s gonna work out just fine, yeah?”

Sirius nodded slowly, even though he wasn't really sure about that.

“Anyways,” James said then. “Mom and Dad said they’re gonna go out tonight, so we have the house to ourselves for a while. They said if we wanna drink we have to pay it ourselves, but they gave me some money so we can buy something for dinner.”

“Awesome. So who’s gonna go get the stuff?”

“Why don't we all go?” James suggested. “Then we all can decide there what we want to drink and for dinner.”

“Sure. I’ll go get Remus and Lily.”

James nodded and so Sirius went upstairs to ask Remus and Lily if they were alright with that as well. – They were. Mom and Dad dropped them off at ASDA and they got a couple of drinks – just beer and cider, because none of them wanted to get completely wasted – and pizza for dinner, and then they went back home.

 

They made the pizza right when they got back home and when it was done, they all settled down on the couch and each of them grabbed a beer. They put in a DVD, but after a while no one paid attention to it anymore, because they started talking about something. When they were done eating, Lily wiped her hands on a tissue and then stood up from her place next to Remus and squeezed herself between Sirius and James instead.

“What are you doing?” Sirius asked frowning.

“I,” she said and grabbed his shoulders, turning his upper body, so he sat with his back towards her, “am going to braid your hair now.”

“Oh, hold on, I got something you could use.” James jumped up and headed towards the stairs. Sirius, knowing that James was about to get that stupid hair party bucket, wanted to hold him back, but Lily had already grabbed a few strands of his hair and stopped him from getting up.

“At least get the liquid eyeliner as well!” Sirius shouted after him.

“So you want me to give you a complete makeover?” Lily grinned.

“Only if you make me look punk rock.”

“Of course. I’m gonna make you look all punk rock and pretty for Remus.”

Sirius grinned and winked at Remus, who blushed deeply and turned his head away, taking another sip of his beer.

A minute later, James came back, holding the hair party bucket up and dropping Sirius’ makeup bag on his lap.

“I tell you, Pads, you own too much makeup. I had no idea what you meant.”

“I don’t own a lot of makeup,” Sirius disagreed and then opened the zipper and pulled out the liquid eyeliner he’d bought today. “And it's that one.”

James took it out of Sirius’ hand and opened it. “Let me do your eyeliner.”

“No way!” Sirius reached for the eyeliner, but James pulled back before he could grab it.

“Why not?”

“Because you’re just gonna waste all of it and I’ll end up looking like a toddler drew on my face.”

“Rude.” James closed the eyeliner again and tossed it back to Sirius.

“Does someone have a hair tie?”

James reached into the bucket and pulled out a glittery pink one, but before he could give it to Lily, Sirius snatched it out of his hand and gave her the black one he’d had around his wrist instead.

“Aw, but the pink one was so much nicer,” Remus said disappointed.

“Shush. Glittery pink is not punk rock.”

“It could be, if you make it that way.” Remus raised an eyebrow.

Sirius sighed, but then gave Lily the pink hair tie.

“You can barely see it anyway,” she said then. “But I'm done now.” She pulled out her phone and snapped a picture of his hair. “Look.”

“That looks awesome!”

She had made a French braid over the top of his head and then tied it up to a bun.

“You have to show me how to do that. – But now, eyeliner.” Sirius turned around so he faced Lily, and crossed his legs on the couch, picking p his beer from the floor and raking a sip, before he gave the eyeliner to Lily.

“How do you want me to do it?” she asked him as she opened the eyeliner. 

“Just do it like you did yours today.”

“Alright. - But I warn you, I’m really not that good at it.”

“I’m sure you can do it a lot better than I could.” Sirius smiled encouragingly at her. 

“I might need more than one try though.”

“That’s okay.” Sirius looked down, so his eyelids were almost fully closed. Lily leaned closer and then he could feel the coldness of the wet eyeliner on his lid. 

“Don’t!” Lily hissed suddenly.

“What did I do?” he asked confused.

“Not you. James is being an ass again. He’s trying to fuck it up.”

“Prongs, if you ruin this I swear I will shove this beer bottle so far up your ass it will tickle your tonsils.”

Remus snorted and even though Sirius couldn’t see them, he was pretty sure James was flipping him off. 

“Alright. Open your eyes.”

Sirius looked up again and Lily squinted, turning his head from side to side to compare if it was even. “Hold on,” she said then and did a small touch up on the left side. “How’s this?” she asked then and gestured Sirius to turn around so Remus and James could look at it. 

“It looks great.” Remus smiled lightly.

“Yeah? Am I pretty enough to be your trophy wife?” Sirius grinned.

Remus rolled his eyes and took another sip of his beer. “Of course you are.”

“Awesome.” Sirius pulled out his phone and opened the camera so he could look at it. It really did look great. “You’re so good at this,” he said and turned his head so he could look at Lily. 

“If you do it often enough, you’ll learn it too. When I started using this, I looked like a panda most of the time.”

“A cute panda though,” Remus said and then put his empty beer bottle on the coffee table and got up. “I’m gonna go outside to smoke a cigarette.” He pulled another beer from the carton and then went outside to the backyard. 

“Wait, I’ll come with you.” Sirius got up as well and smacked James on the head when he muttered something about  _married couples_. 

He sat down on the lawn next to Remus. “Can I have one?” he asked then and pointed to Remus' packet of cigarettes. 

“Oh. Of course. I didn’t know you smoke.” He held the packet towards Sirius and when he took one, Remus gave him the lighter. 

“I only smoke when I drink.” Sirius winked at him. “Which is why I’m the most annoying person in my friend group. I never buy cigarettes but I always ask for some.”

“Oh yes, I’m sure that’s the  _only_  reason,” Remus said sarcastically. 

“You are  _so_  mean,” Sirius sniffled. “Here I am all prettied up for you and that’s how you treat me. I want a divorce.” 

“Aw.”

“I’m just gonna pretend you didn’t mean to sound as sarcastic as you did.” 

“I didn’t.”

“Yeah, right.”

“ _Who_ ’s being sarcastic now?” Remus raised an eyebrow. 

Sirius snorted and nudged Remus in the side. Remus grinned at him and then took another sip of his beer.

“Christ, how fast do you drink this?!” Sirius asked surprised when Remus lowered the bottle and he saw that it was already half empty.

Remus just shrugged. 

“Just don’t drink too much, yeah?” Sirius frowned lightly. 

“I won’t.” Remus rolled his eyes fondly. “Don’t worry about me.”

“I always worry about you.” Sirius reached out and stroke over Remus’ cheek. “I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“And I don’t want you to worry about me.” Remus sighed and lowered his gaze. “I’m fine.”

“And, you know, if that’s true, then-”

“What do you mean, _if_?” Remus interrupted him, looking suddenly angry. “I’m here with you and James and Lily and– I mean– of course I’m happy, I don’t have any reason not to be, of course I’m feeling great–”

“Remus,” Sirius said softly. Remus sounded as if he was more trying to convince himself from those words than anything else. “Nobody expects your anxiety – or whatever – to magically take a break, just because you’re here.”

“But I’m happy being here. And I don’t know what was wrong with me today.”

“It’s okay, Remus.” Sirius scooched closer and laid his arm around Remus’ shoulders, rubbing his upper arm gently. “You’re allowed to have a bad day. You don’t have to pretend to be happy when you’re not.”

“But I am happy. I love being here. Being… with you. I just… I don’t know. It was a little much in London today. – It was nice though. I had a really great day.”

“That’s good. Because I did too.”

Right in this moment, they heard Lily screeching loudly inside and in the next moment she came ran outside.

“This is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen in my whole life, I can’t believe this!” she screamed and laughed loudly. “Oh my god, you won’t believe this. James! Come here!”

“What is going on?” Remus laughed and shook his head.

“He can lick his own elbow!” she exclaimed loudly and then pulled James towards them when he came out of the house as well. “It’s so disgusting. – Show them!”

“That’s impossible,” Remus said frowning.

“Actually it’s not,” Sirius disagreed. “I’ve read somewhere that around 1% of the people can do it. Probably even a bit more.”

“Christ, you with your weird facts.” Remus rolled his eyes, but he grinned.

“Shut up and look at it,” Lily said then, “it’s so disgusting!”

“I’m not gonna do it again if you keep calling me disgusting.” James glared at her.

Lily grabbed his upper arm and shook him. “Just lick your stupid elbow, Potter.”

“Christ, you’re bossy.”

“And _you_ ’re disgusting.”

“Alright, that’s it, I’m leaving.”

“No!” Lily held onto his upper arm and braced her heels against the ground to stop him from leaving. But James just walked away anyway; Lily’s feet slid over the grass and she screamed when James started running, pulling her after himself. They didn’t come far though, until Lily stumbled and fell down, pulling James with her.

“But _I’m_ the idiot,” Sirius muttered. “Bullshit.”

“You _are_ an idiot.” Remus smiled at him.

“You too.”

“I know.” Remus nudged his shoulder, but then he jumped up.

“Where are you going?”

He held up the empty beer bottle. “Getting another one. You want me to get one for you too?”

“Sure.”

* * *

 

They stayed outside for hours, because even though it was getting late, it was still pleasantly warm. – Also, you know, the alcohol did its part too.

And, _Christ_ , Remus was the cutest drunk imaginable.

Neither of the four of them had drunken a lot, but once Remus had started to laugh about one of Sirius’ jokes (which already was a big indicator of him being _at least_ tipsy) he hadn’t stopped anymore. He was laughing and giggling about everything and it was _adorable_.

Sirius was unable to tear his eyes off Remus for even a second. He knew that he was being pathetic, but it was just so amazing to see Remus laugh like that.

At eleven thirty, his parents got back home and told them to get inside, because they didn’t want the neighbours to complain about the noise, so they went upstairs to Sirius’ and James’ room. Lily took Remus’ laptop and put on some music and they all sat down on Sirius’ bed. Remus was sitting next to Sirius, leaning against him. He turned his head towards Sirius and raised his hand, stroking back and forth over Sirius’ cheek.

“What are you doing?” Sirius asked, smiling lightly.

“I like your stubble.”

“Yeah?”

Remus hummed approvingly and smiled at him, a light blush creeping over his face. “Although I have to admit I’m a little jealous.”

Sirius frowned lightly. “Do you already know when you’re gonna be able to start hormone therapy.”

“No.” Remus shook his head. “Hopefully in a few months though.”

“I’ll cross my fingers for you.”

“Thank you.” Remus smiled lightly. His hand was still resting on Sirius’ cheek and their faces were really close together. Sirius eyes dropped to Remus’ lips and for a moment he was really close to just leaning in and kiss him, but he held himself back. This was not a good idea.

“What’s so funny?” Sirius asked him when Remus suddenly started giggling.

“I don’t know.”

Sirius shook his head lightly, but he couldn’t help but smile too. “You have such a pretty smile, do you know that?”

Remus’ already rosy cheeks got even darker and he giggled again, hiding his face against Sirius’ shoulder. “Shut up!”

“I mean it. Everything about you is pretty.”

Remus looked at him again and shook his head. “That’s not true.”

“Yeah it is.” Sirius stroke over Remus’ cheek, which made him blush even more. “You’re the prettiest boy existing.”

“Nuh-uh.” Remus shook his head. “That’s still you.”

“Alright, that’s true,” Sirius smirked. “But you’re a close second.”

Remus snorted and rolled his eyes, hitting Sirius’ shoulder. “You’re so stupid.”

“I know. But that’s your fault.”

“My fault?” Remus frowned. “How is that my fault?”

“You make my head fuzzy. I can’t think straight when I’m around you.”

“As if you ever could think _straight_ ,” James muttered under his breath and Lily laughed. Sirius tossed a pillow at them, without taking his eyes off Remus.

Remus’ face had gotten even darker and he avoided Sirius’ eyes. “That’s not true.”

“It is. You drive me crazy.”

“Are you…” Remus laughed embarrassed, keeping his eyes down and fidgeting with the zipper of Sirius’ pillow. “Are you flirting with me?”

“Well.” Sirius chuckled quietly. “I have been for the past four months, but… thanks for noticing.”

Sirius could hear James snickering behind him and Lily shushing him, but failing to not laugh as well. Remus didn’t seem to notice though. His face was still a deep shade of red and his mouth was opened, as if he was about to say something, but couldn’t find the words.

“…No,” he then brought out eventually.

“Excuse me?”

“You- you w- you were joking. I mean-” He stopped and laughed nervously. “You can’t actually-”

“I can’t?”

“No,” he said again, this time more firmly. “You were joking.”

Part of Sirius wanted to laugh it off and just say that of course, he had just been joking, because he didn’t want to make Remus uncomfortable, but another part of him – a much bigger part of him – just _had_ to know for sure. Now.

“I wasn’t joking, Remus,” he said then, his voice was barely more than a whisper, but as much as he hated to admit this, he was incredibly nervous.

What if this would ruin everything? What if it would make Remus uncomfortable? What if Remus wouldn’t want to talk to Sirius anymore after this?

But…

What if not?

“Of course you were. You- you had to be.” Remus brows were knitted tightly together and his jaw was clenched, as if he was holding to this belief with all his strength.

“Why?”

“Because if- if not, that would mean…” Remus exhaled shakily and a nervous smile appeared on his lips. “That would mean that- that you like me… too.”

The last word was so quiet, Sirius wasn’t sure if he’d only imagined Remus saying it.

“Too?” he asked. “Y-you mean…” He almost couldn’t get himself to ask. “You mean you like me?”

“Of course I do, Sirius.” Remus’ voice was barely audible.

“But I mean… _like_ like me?”

For a few seconds, Remus didn’t react at all and Sirius was completely convinced that he had just blown everything and that – _goodbye and au revoir_ – this was the end of the world and the end of his life and everything was over – but then-

Remus nodded.

Sirius’ heart stopped for a second and then continued with the force of a stampede of elephants and – Christ in heaven – he didn’t care if he was being dramatic but he was convinced that everyone in the whole house, hell, in the whole neighbourhood could hear it. Also he was going to explode any second.

“I- I’m sorry I- I shouldn’t have-” Remus moved back slightly and only then Sirius realised that he hadn’t said anything, but had just been staring at Remus, slack-jawed. “I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry, Sirius, I know you don’t think that way about me and I-”

“No!” he said hastily. “Christ, Remus I-” Sirius exhaled shakily, his brain failing to deliver any more words.

What the hell was wrong with him?

Where did all the words go?

Why couldn’t he just tell Remus how he felt?

He opened his mouth again to say something, but when he looked at Remus, who was awaiting an answer, looking up at Sirius with those big, pretty eyes and his lips slightly parted, Sirius’ mind went black again.

“Oh, _for heaven’s sake_ ,” James groaned annoyed. “Sorry to barge in on your moment and all, but, Remus, what Sirius is failing to say is that he is completely nuts about you. He’s s _o_ in love and you’re the light of his life, his heart belongs to you, yada yada yada. He literally hasn’t shut up about you in _months_ , so now that this stupid obstacle of you two being unable to _talk to each_ other about your bloody feelings is out of the way and we all know that you are _both_ love-struck idiots can you just, like, snog a little so we can carry on?”

For a second they all were silent, but then Lily snorted and started laughing loud. Remus face darkened and – much to his dislike – Sirius could feel himself blushing too.

“As much as I want to punch Prongs in the face right now...” he sighed, Lily still laughing loudly in the background. “He’s right.”

Remus smiled – shyly, but he looked really happy. “You really like me?”

“Oh my _god_ , didn’t we just discuss that?” James sighed deeply.

Sirius held his finger up and looked at Remus. “Just one second please.” He grabbed his pillow and turned around to start hitting James with it. “Will – you – shut – up – now – you – piece – of – shit?!” He hit him with every word and then threw the pillow at Lily, who was now laughing even harder.

When he turned back around, Remus was chuckling quietly.

“I’m sorry, but I just had to do that.”

Remus didn’t say anything, he just looked at Sirius with a – there really was no other word for this – loving expression on his face, before he leaned forward and pulled Sirius in a tight hug. When he pulled back again, for a moment, they both just looked at each other, but then Remus leaned forward and pressed his lips on Sirius. It was only a short kiss, barely more than a peck, but it was enough to make Sirius blush again – and no matter how much he loved seeing Remus blush, he definitely didn’t like that for himself.

 “I bet you five bucks by tomorrow Sirius has annoyed Remus so much, they’re breaking up again,” James whispered to Lily – of course purposefully loud enough so Sirius and Remus could hear it too.

“I’m going to punch you in the face,” Remus threatened.

“I’m not scared of you.”

“Oh, I would be if I was you.” Lily raised an eyebrow and then looked at Remus. “Haven’t you told them about that fight with those guys?”

Remus sighed and rolled his eyes. “Why would I tell them about that?”

“Well, now you have to!” Sirius said firmly and looked expectantly at Remus. “What fight?”

“Nothing.” Remus shook his head. “It’s stupid.”

“So back when Remus still was in the clinic,” Lily started talking, ignoring Remus’ protest, “One weekend when he was home, we were out late one night and we were just on our way home when we walked past this pub and some men started catcalling us. They said really nasty things and I actually just wanted to get away from there as fast as possible, but then they said something really disgusting and Remus completely freaked out and walked up to them and punched one of them square in the face.”

“What happened then?” Sirius asked Remus. “Did you win the fight?”

“Are you stupid?” Remus snorted. “There were four of them against me. I ended up with a night in the hospital, a broken nose, a concussion, two cracked ribs, _very_ angry parents and being forced to stay in the clinic for the next three weekends.”

“Jesus Christ,” Sirius scoffed and shook his head. “What were you thinking?!”

“Nothing. I was angry and they were being disgusting so I punched them.”

“And you didn’t think for a second that this could possibly end badly?” James asked, raising his eyebrows in disbelief.

Remus shrugged. “I was pretty high, I wasn’t really thinking.”

“You do drugs?” James frowned.

“Not anymore.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“You always call me stupid, but you do things like this.” Sirius shook his head and pulled Remus closer, so he leaned with his back against Sirius’ chest.

“That was _one_ time,” Remus defended himself. “And I know it was stupid, but he made me angry.”

“So stupid.” Sirius tutted and pressed a kiss on Remus’ temple.

“You’re still more stupid than me.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Yeah, you are,” James said.

“Don’t agree with him!” Sirius exclaimed. “You have to agree with me!”

“Why?”

“Because if Remus is against me, this means Lily is against me too, because she’s his best friend so you can’t be against me too otherwise I’m all alone.”

“Nah, don’t worry about that, I’m totally on your side,” Lily grinned. “Believe me, once James knows Remus as well as I do, he’ll be on your side too.”

“Hey!” Remus threw a pillow at her. “You’re so mean.”

“Yeah, I know I’m the worst.”

“Ugh, I hate you.” Remus sighed and then freed himself from Sirius’ hug and got up. “I’m gonna go outside to smoke.”

“Again?” Lily shook her head. “ _This_ is why I say you’re stupid.”

“Whatever.” Remus rolled his eyes and then left the room. The second the door closed behind him, James turned towards Sirius with a wide grin on his face.

“I told you so! Thank god for alcohol or you two might have never opened your damn mouths.”

“I hate you.”

“Oh, I know. But I also know that you couldn’t live without me.”

Sirius growled and flipped him off.

A few minutes later, Remus came back, holding an open can of cider in his hand and putting the carton with the rest of them down between the others.

“So what are we gonna do now?” he asked then.

“We could shave a cat.”

Remus turned towards Sirius with a look of utter confusion on his face. “What the _fuck_ is wrong with you?”

For a second Sirius managed to keep a straight face, but then he snorted and started to laugh. “I don’t know. Lots of things, probably.”

“Christ.” Remus rolled his eyes, but then sat down next to him and leaned against his shoulder, taking a sip of his cider. He pulled his laptop closer and opened Netflix. “Can we watch a movie?” he asked then.

“If watching a movie is a euphemism for you and Sirius making out, then not.”

“You know, James,” Remus turned towards him. “Considering how often you bring stuff like this up, one could almost think you _do_ want to watch me and Sirius getting down and dirty.”

Sirius and Lily snickered but James just grabbed the pillow and hit Remus with it. “I don’t like you anymore.”

“Aw.”

“Wow.” James clicked his tongue. “How can one word sound this sarcastic?”

“I don’t know how he does it either.” Sirius sighed but then pulled Remus closer and leaned his head on his shoulder. “How does so much sarcasm fit in one person?”

Remus rolled his eyes and then clicked on a random movie before he put the laptop down on the nightstand and then moved back and leaned against Sirius again. Sirius reached out to turn the carton with the cider and pulled one of the cans out for himself.

“What movie did you put on?” Lily asked then and squeezed herself between Sirius and James so she could see the laptop screen.

“ _Paul Blart: Mall Cop_ ,” Remus snorted.

“No way! That shit is on Netflix?” Lily laughed. “I fucking love this dumb movie.”

“I’ve actually never seen this movie.” James frowned. “Why have I not seen this movie?”

“Mate, that’s not true,” Sirius said and tossed a can of cider to James. “Peter’s birthday, last year. We watched it.”

James snorted. “Yeah, like I remember anything from that night. I was so wasted. Christ, the hangover I got from that night killed me.”

Sirius laughed when he remembered that. James had puked his guts out for two hours the following morning. “I told you not to drink those shots though.”

“Can you two shut up now? I’m trying to enjoy one of the finest movies mankind ever created.” Lily slapped both of them on the back of their head.

“Remus, I can’t believe you brought this mean person into our house,” Sirius complained and rubbed the back of his head.

“Aw, I’m terribly sorry,” Remus said sarcastically and patted Sirius’ arm that was slung around his waist.

“You’re so rude.”

“I know.”

Sirius’ lips widened in a smile when Remus grinned at him and kissed him on the cheek and then he tightened the hug around Remus’ waist and buried his face in the crook of his neck. Everything was just so great right now and he never wanted this moment to pass.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the comments! They always make me so happy!!!!

When Remus woke up the next morning, Sirius, James, Lily and he were all lying sprawled out with limbs tangled in Sirius’ bed.

Bright light was shining through the window and he knew there was no way he would be able to fall asleep again, so he got up, grabbing his binder and some clean clothes on the way out and headed to the bathroom. After he’d taken a shower and gotten dressed, he went outside to smoke a cigarette.

Only a few minutes later, Lily came after him.

“Morning,” she said and sat down next to him.

“Morning.”

“How are you?” She smiled at him, but for some reason she looked slightly worried.

“I’m fine. You?”

“Yeah, me too.” For a moment she fell silent, but then she turned her head towards Remus and looked at him. “Last night was fun,” she said and looked inquiringly at him.

Remus could feel himself blush, knowing exactly where she was going with this. “It was.”

“So… are you… okay with what happened? I mean… that Sirius knows now?”

“Well, yeah. I mean…” Remus’ blush darkened. “He said he likes me back.” But the words where barely out of his mouth when a horrible realisation hit him. “Oh my god, he doesn’t. I’m so fucking stupid. He just said that because he was drunk, of course he doesn’t like me, Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with me?! I–”

“Remus!” Lily interrupted him and grabbed his shoulders, turning his body so he would look at her. “That’s not what I meant! Jesus, of course he likes you! He’s crazy about you. I just want to make sure that _you_ are okay with this. That you’re sure this is what you want.”

Remus sighed deeply and ran his hand through his hair. He knew that he had overreacted, but now that the thought had made its way into his head, he couldn’t get rid of it anymore.

After all, it was already more than surprising that Sirius wanted to be friends with him, anything more than that was just plain impossible.

“Remus?”

“I completely made a fool out of myself, yesterday, didn’t I?” He sighed again. “So embarrassing.”

“Not at all. It was really cute.”

“Ugh.” Remus groaned and buried his face in his hand. “I can never look Sirius in the eyes again.”

“Oh, come on. Don’t be so melodramatic.”

“I’m not melodramatic. I’m mortified. I completely ruined everything.”

“Have you been _there_ last night?!” Lily sighed frustrated.

“He just said those things because he was drunk.”

“Oh my god.” Lily groaned and then stood up.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m gonna go wake up Sirius. You two need to talk.”

“Wait, don’t–” Remus tried to stop her, but she had already slipped inside and headed towards the stairs.

With a deep sigh, Remus leaned back and lit another cigarette. Lily was probably right. It would probably be for the best to talk and get this over with.

A few minutes later, the glass door slid open and Sirius came outside. His hair was messy and he looked very sleepy, but he smiled at Remus.

“Morning,” he said, his voice hoarse, as he sat down next to Remus.

“Morning.” Ash flaked down from the cigarette to the ground when Remus’ hand trembled. He dragged on the cigarette and inhaled deeply, trying not to show how nervous he was.

“So…” Sirius said slowly, “Lily said you wanted to talk to me.”

“Well, actually, _she_ wants us to talk.”

“So you don’t want to talk to me?”

“That’s not what I meant.” Remus felt himself blush and he dragged on his cigarette again, fumbling with the lighter with his free hand.

“Alright,” Sirius said after a few more minutes of silence. “I’ll start then.” He cleared his throat and hesitated for a moment. He seemed nervous. “All the things I said… or well, all the things _James_ said – they’re true. But, I mean, it doesn’t have to matter. More than anything I want you to be comfortable. And I know there were a lot of things said last night, but if you don’t feel comfortable with that or if you didn’t mean it or changed your mind, that’s okay, yeah? I just want you to feel comfortable. I don’t want to lose you.”

For a while, they both were quiet. Remus stuffed the butt of his cigarette in the packet to the remaining ones and stared down at it for a few seconds, trying to figure out what to say or to do.

“I mean, if you need to think about it, that’s okay too,” Sirius said when Remus remained silent.

“I don’t know,” Remus sighed, burying his face in his hands.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Sirius said softly and moved closer, stroking Remus’ back. “Take all the time you need.”

Remus groaned and turned sideways, leaning against Sirius’ shoulder. “I just don’t know what I want.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not.”

Sirius laid his arm around Remus’ shoulder and gave him a squeeze, pressing a kiss on top of his head. “Don’t pressure yourself. Just take your time to figure out what you want.”

Remus sighed deeply and nuzzled his head in the crook of Sirius’ neck. He had a feeling in his guts that no matter what he did, this whole thing was going to end disastrous. Not that this feeling was something new for him, but it was still terrifying.

“I’m sorry I’m such a mess, Sirius,” he murmured quietly.

“Come on, don’t worry about that. Everyone’s a mess.”

“You’re a pretty great mess though.”

Sirius chuckled quietly and pressed another kiss on top of Remus’ head. “You too.”

For a few minutes, they sat next to each other in silence, but then Lily called them in for breakfast.

“Hey, uh, Remus.” Sirius held him back before they went back inside. “Is… uh, between us… things are alright, aren’t they? I mean… you’re not mad at me, right?”

“Of course not.” Remus shook his head and frowned lightly. “Why would I be mad? If anything… you’re the one who would have a reason to be mad.”

Sirius just shook his head lightly and laid his arm around Remus’ shoulders as they went inside to eat breakfast with the others.

After breakfast, Sirius went to take a shower, while Remus helped Lily to pack her things back up. There were a few more hours left before she’d have to leave again, but she wanted to get this out of the way now.

“So, what did you and Sirius talk about?” she asked Remus when they were done with that.

“Uh.” Remus avoided eye-contact with her and instead looked down on his hands. “He’s, uh, he’s giving me some time so I can think about everything and figure out what I want.”

“Oh, okay. So… are you… not sure that you really like him… _that_ way?”

“No, it’s not that. It’s more that I’m not really sure if I’m ready for a, uh, proper relationship, you know? I just… need to think about this for a while.”

“Yeah, I think that’s a good idea.” Lily smiled at him and hugged him lightly. “Just as long as you’re happy.”

* * *

 

Lily had to leave again at half past three and Remus, Sirius and James all went with her to the train station.

“Take care, okay?” she said when she hugged Remus goodbye. “And text me as soon as you know what time you’ll be at the airport on Wednesday, so we can meet up.”

“I will. You text me when you get home, alright?”

“Yes.” She hugged him again and kissed him on the cheek before she also said goodbye to Sirius and James and then entered the train.

After the train had set off, Remus went with Sirius and James back to their place.

“So what do you want to do for the rest of the day?” Sirius asked him then.

“I don’t know,” Remus shrugged. “You can decide.” He frowned lightly. “As long as it’s not shaving a cat,” he added then.

Sirius laughed loudly. “Oh my god, I completely forgot about that. – But really though, what do you want to do? You’re the guest, you can decide.”

Remus scrunched his nose.  “I don’t want to decide though.” He sank down on the couch and pulled his feet up on it. “It’s your place.”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “But I wanna do what _you_ want to do.”

“I don’t care though.”

Sitting down on the couch next to Remus, Sirius groaned. “If you don’t say what you want to do, we’re just gonna sit here all day and do nothing.”

“That’s fine with me,” Remus grinned and reached out to touch the strand of hair that had fallen loose from Sirius bun.

“Oh come on, aren’t you gonna get bored?”

“Not if you’re here with me.”

“Aw.” Sirius grinned at him. “Aren’t you a cutiepie?”

“Mhh. Almost as cute as you.”

“Hey, what about me?” James complained as he walked into the living room. “How come no one’s telling me how cute I am?”

“’Cause you’re not,” Sirius and Remus said at the same time.

“Wow, rude,” he scoffed and flopped down on the couch next to Sirius, turning on the TV screen and the playstation and tossing one of the controllers to Remus. Remus wanted to give it to Sirius, but James shook his head. “I need revenge for the last time.”

“I don’t even know how I did that!” Remus protested.

“Good.” James grinned. “Let’s make this quick and painless.”

“I bet you’re that asshole that brings a knife to a fistfight,” Remus muttered under his breath.

Sirius snickered, but James didn’t seem to have heard him.

“I’ll help you,” Sirius said then and before Remus could even react, Sirius had already pulled him on his lap. “I’ll tell you what to do.”

Remus could feel himself blushing deeply when he felt Sirius’ warm breath on his neck and when Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus’ waist, he swallowed emptily, keeping his eyes fixed on the TV screen.

“I’m still gonna beat you,” James said grimly.

“We’ll see about that.”

 

It turned out to be really difficult to focus on anything that was happening despite – or maybe exactly because – Sirius telling Remus what to do. His warm breath on Remus’ skin and his voice sounding so deep when he was talking quietly (so James wouldn’t hear him) was more distracting than anything else. James won all three fights, but Remus didn’t care at all and Sirius didn’t seem to feel much different.

After that, Remus gave the controller to Sirius though and just watched him and James play. After a while, he went outside to smoke a cigarette and when he came back inside, Mr. Potter was just sending James and Sirius away so he could watch the news.

Not much later, Mrs. Potter had prepared dinner and after they’d eaten, Remus, Sirius and James cleaned up and when they were done, went upstairs. They put on a movie on Netflix, even though all of them were paying more attention to their phones than that and after a few hours, when they all started to get tired, James said that he would go sleep downstairs again. When both, Sirius and Remus, told him that he could stay here he just laughed and said “yeah, no thank you” and left the room.

“Are we really that bad?” Remus frowned.

“Maybe he just doesn’t want you to hear him fart in his sleep.” Sirius shrugged.

Remus snorted and shook his head and then got up because he’d just realised that he was still wearing his binder and that he should really take it off. When he got back to the room, Sirius had changed into his pyjamas as well and they lay down on the bed again. Remus re-started the movie, since neither of them had any idea what had happened anyway, and then dimmed the brightness of the laptop screen.

“I can’t believe you’re already leaving again in four days,” Sirius sighed after a few minutes of silence.

Remus scrunched his nose. “Don’t talk about that. I don’t want to think of this.”

Sirius smiled lightly and moved closer to Remus. “I’m so glad you’re here.”

“Me too.”

For a few moments they both were silent again. “Remus?” Sirius asked then quietly.

“Yeah?”

Sirius hesitated for a moment. “Can I… kiss you?”

Remus felt himself blushing deeply, but he nodded, not trusting his voice to work properly. Sirius laid his hand on Remus cheek and leaned closer, stopping for a moment, right before their lips met and just looking at Remus. But then his eyes fluttered shut and he closed the gap between their mouths. His lips were soft against Remus and he was kissing him gently, clearly trying not to take things too far. Remus’ heart was pounding fast in his chest and part of him wanted to grab Sirius and pull him closer and to never stop kissing him and to hold him forever, but another part of him was also scared. Of his own feelings and of their strength and of their meaning and of everything that _could_ happen because of them. It scared him how much Sirius meant to him and how much he loved him. It scared him how much _power_ Sirius had. How much he could hurt Remus if he wanted to.

Remus could feel himself tensing at the thought of this and Sirius pulled back the _second_ this happened. He smiled carefully at Remus.

“You okay?”

Remus just nodded and buried his face in Sirius’ chest in an attempt to escape Sirius’ questioning eyes as well as his own anxious thoughts.

 

* * *

* * *

 

Euphemia awoke in the middle of the night when she heard someone screaming loudly, followed by loud thuds and a few moments later a door being shut loudly and Sirius’ anxious voice. For a moment she felt relegated into the time just after Sirius had moved in with them, when he’d regularly had nightmares that his parents would come and force him to go away from here. But then someone knocked at the door and a moment later, Sirius entered the room, looking totally frightened.

“Mom, you– you need to help him, he– I don’t know what– he just started screaming – won’t let me talk to him– _please_.” He ran his hand through his hair and tears started to stream down over his face. “You need to help him!”

“Hey, shh, it’s okay. Just explain to me what happened.” Euphemia got up and laid her hand on Sirius back, stroking him gently as she led him out of the room and closed the door behind them.

“It’s– it’s Remus,” Sirius hiccupped, “he just… he just suddenly started screaming and when– when I asked him what was wrong he– he just got up a–and ran away and he– he locked himself in the bathroom and he’s crying and– and–” Sirius voice broke. “He won’t talk to me and– I don’t– I don’t know what to do. Y–you need to help him, Mom.”

“Okay.” Euphemia gently rubbed Sirius’ upper arm. “It’s okay. I’ll see what I can do. Just try to calm down, yeah? It’s gonna be fine.”

Sirius nodded and wrapped his arms around himself, his fearful eyes fixed on the bathroom door. In this moment he looked so much like the small boy he had been when Euphemia had first met him, just as overwhelmed and anxious, and it hurt her to see him like this.

She could hear Remus crying from inside the bathroom, when she knocked at the door.

“Go away!” Remus shouted, but he sounded more afraid than angry.

“Remus, dear, it’s me. Please open the door. We’re worried about you.”

“Just go away!” Remus yelled almost hysterical. “Everyone just go away!” He started to sob loudly. “Just leave me alone and stop touching me!”

When she heard the last sentence, Euphemia frowned and looked over at Sirius. He was pale and stepped back as if someone had just slapped him the face.

“I– I didn’t– Mom I swear, I didn’t– I didn’t touch him– I” He started crying again, shaking his head. “I didn’t hurt him, Mom– Please– I– I– I didn’t do anything.” He cursed under his breath and started to cry harder, pulling his own hair.

Probably having been woken up my all the noise, James came upstairs, looking confused. “What is going on?”

Fleamont didn’t seem to have heard anything, which wasn’t surprising at all. That man could sleep through an apocalypse.

“James, take your brother to your room and try to calm him down, yeah? I’ll take care of Remus.”

James still looked confused, but he nodded and wrapped his arm around Sirius, pulling him towards their room and closing the door behind them.

Remus was now crying even harder and Euphemia knocked at the door again. “Remus, please open the door. It’s just me out here, okay? No one is going to touch you, I promise. Everything’s going to be fine.”

He didn’t answer, but his crying seemed to calm down a little.

“Please, Remus,” Euphemia said again after a couple of minutes. “Open the door. I just want to make sure you’re alright.”

For a few seconds it remained quiet in the bathroom, but then she could hear shuffling footsteps and eventually the key being turned in the lock. Remus slowly pulled the door open and looked at her fearfully. His eyes were read and unfocused and he looked terribly afraid. But that wasn’t all. When Euphemia’s eyes dropped lower, she could see him clenching his left arm with his right hand and blood dripping down between his fingers.

“Oh dear,” she breathed out. “Remus, will you let me take care of that? Please.”

For a few seconds he didn’t react, but then he nodded slowly.

“Why don’t you sit down?”

Remus nodded again and then turned around and closed the lid of the toilet before he sat down on it. His movements were slow and unbalanced; he seemed to not be entirely here.

Euphemia pulled the first–aid kit out of the medicine cabinet and put it down on the edge of the sink. “Can you show me your arm?” she asked Remus then.

Slowly, Remus pulled his right hand back, so Euphemia could see where he had hurt himself. There was a lot of blood, but from what it looked like on first glance, the cuts didn’t look like they would need to be stitched.

“I know I said no one would touch you, but is it okay if I touch your arm? It’s just to take care of your wounds, I promise.”

When Remus nodded, she took some gauze and cleaned up the blood around the cuts, so she could take a better look at how bad it really was. Now she was sure that stitches wouldn’t be necessary, but after she’d cleaned them with some disinfect, she put wound strips on them, to make sure they would close up properly. Then she put some non–stick gauze on it, before she wrapped a bandage around it.

Turning around to toss the bloody gauze away, she saw a pair of scissors lying on the ground. The blade was bloody and there were also a few drops of blood on the floor around it. She cleaned it up and then put the scissors and the first–aid kit away again.

“Why don’t you wash your hands, dear?” she then asked Remus softly. He was still sitting on the toilet lid, having not moved a single muscle. But when she asked him that, he stood up and went to the sink. His hands were shaking when he reached to turn on the water.

“I’m going to get you another jumper, okay?” she asked him when she saw blood stains on the one he was wearing. “Just wait here.”

When she entered Sirius’ and James’ room, they both were sitting on Sirius’ bed.

“Is he okay?” Sirius asked immediately. “What happened?”

“He’s okay for the moment. He hasn’t talked so far, I’m just here to get him a clean jumper.”

“A clean jumper?” Sirius’ eyes widened anxiously. “What happened to his other one? Is he okay?”

“Sirius, don’t worry, okay? I’m gonna take care of Remus now, okay? I will leave it to him to tell you what he wants to tell you. But for now he is alright, yeah? I promise.”

“Oh.” Sirius sighed and sank back against James. “Alright.”

James wrapped his arm around Sirius’ shoulder and rubbed his upper arm. “He’s gonna be fine, Pads. He’s a tough guy.”

Euphemia smiled lightly before she left the room and went back to Remus.

“Would you like something to drink? Maybe a cup of tea or a hot chocolate?” she asked him when she handed him the jumper.

Remus took the jumper and for a few seconds just stared down at it. “Tea please,” he whispered then hoarsely.

“Of course. I will go make some, while you change and then come downstairs. Does that sound okay?”

Remus nodded and so Euphemia left the bathroom and closed the door behind her, before she headed downstairs to prepare some tea.

A few minutes later, Remus came to the kitchen as well. He had pulled the sleeves of his sweater down over his hands and wrapped his arms around himself.

“I’m so sorry, Mrs Potter,” he whispered.

“You don’t have to apologise, dear. Do you feel better though?”

“A– a bit, yes.” He lowered his eyes.

“That’s good. Do you want to tell me what happened?”

Remus’ jaw clenched. “I don’t– I don’t know.”

“You don’t have to tell me the whole thing,” Euphemia said then and handed Remus a cup of tea. “But I have one question that I would be very glad if you would answer truthfully, okay? It’s very important.”

“O–okay.”

“Now, I can imagine that I’m not the person you would want to talk with about things like this, but I really need to know. Did Sirius… do something that made you uncomfortable? Did he touch or kiss you without your permission or anything else?”

Remus’ head snapped back and his eyes widened. “No!” he said hastily. “No, this is not his fault.” He shook his head. “No, he would never– No. _No_. I just had…” he hesitated for a moment. “I had a nightmare about… something that happened to me. And it… freaked me out.”

Euphemia had to admit that she was relieved at Remus answer. – She really couldn’t have imagined Sirius ever doing something like this, but she’d still had to ask, just to be sure.

“Do you want to talk about the nightmare?” she asked Remus.

Remus took a sip of his tea and seemed to think about this for a moment. “I don’t… think that would be appropriate.”

“Well.” Euphemia shrugged. “I don’t mind. If you want to talk about it, you can tell me anything. And I promise I will not talk about this to anyone. If you don’t feel comfortable sharing those things with me, I completely understand and respect this though.”

Remus took a deep breath and his hands tightened around the mug. “A… uh, a bit over two years ago… I–” He swallowed empty. “I got… sexually assaulted. And… for… for some reason I had a really bad nightmare about this tonight. And he really didn’t do anything wrong, but when I woke up and– and Sirius was lying next to me, I… I didn’t realise that it was _him_ , I just… I just felt that it was… a man and I… I got so scared and–” He broke off and turned his head away. His hands trembled and some tea slopped over the edge of the mug on the floor. “I just ran away and locked myself in the bathroom. And I know he just wanted to help, but when he kept knocking and calling my name I felt so overwhelmed with everything and I saw the scissors and–” He exhaled shakily. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered.

“You don’t need to apologise, Remus. You’ve been through a lot and I’m sorry you had to experience so much pain. If there is anything I can do to help you – _anything_ – please never hesitate to let me know, okay? You’re a wonderful young man and I’m very happy you and Sirius got to know each other and I’m very happy to have you here and I wouldn’t want anything bad happening to you, okay? My whole family and I are here for you. You’re welcome here anytime and if there’s anything we can do to help, then we will.”

“Thank you so much,” Remus whispered roughly. “You are so kind. This means a lot to me.”

“It’s no problem, Remus, really.” Euphemia smiled at him. “So, do you want to go back upstairs or would you rather sleep on the couch so you can be alone?”

“On the couch,” Remus said quietly, lowering his gaze as if he felt bad for that.

“Alright. Do you need anything else, or do you think you’re able to sleep?”

“Could you… maybe get me my sleeping pills? They’re in my backpack upstairs.”

“Of course. Why don’t you already go to the living room? I’ll be right back.”

“Thank you.” Remus nodded and then took his tea and left the kitchen to go to the living room. Euphemia went upstairs to the boys’ room.

Sirius and James were still sitting there like before, Sirius leaning against James’ shoulder and James’ arms wrapped around him.

“Is he okay?” Sirius asked right when Euphemia entered the room.

“Yes, he’s okay. He’s going to sleep downstairs on the couch tonight. Leave him some time alone over the night and don’t go downstairs, Sirius, okay?”

Sirius sighed deeply, but he nodded.

“I’m just gonna go bring him his medicine, but I’ll come back before I go back to bed, alright?”

“Yes. Thanks, Mom.”

Euphemia went back downstairs and got a glass of water from the kitchen before she went to the living room to give Remus his medicine.

“Thank you very much.”

“It’s no problem, my dear. Do you need anything else?”

“No, I’m alright, thank you.”

“Good. But if you need something, just come upstairs, okay? I hope you get some rest and feel better tomorrow.”

“Thank you so much. You… you’ve really helped me a lot tonight.”

“I’m glad I could help.” Euphemia smiled at him. “Goodnight, Remus.”

“Goodnight.”

She went back upstairs and like she’d promised, went to Sirius’ and James’ room again.

“He’s gonna sleep now,” she said and sat down on the edge of Sirius’ bed. “He feels better again.”

“Thank you so much, Mom.” Sirius moved closer and hugged her tightly. But when he pulled back, he looked worried. “Is he… angry at me? I mean… did I do something wrong? – I _swear_ , I never wanted to hurt him!”

“No, Sirius, shhh. You didn’t do anything wrong. He told me, okay? It was not your fault.”

Sirius exhaled relieved, but he looked still worried.

“I just want him to be happy,” he whispered.

“I know, sweetheart.” Euphemia pulled him in another hug and pressed a kiss on his forehead. “But he can’t _always_ feel good. He went through a lot and those things don’t just disappear. And I’m sure he appreciates you a lot, but just because he has you, his problems won’t just magically disappear. It takes more than that for someone to heal. You just need to give him time and make sure he knows that you’re there for him.”

“I love him so much, Mom,” he whispered. “And I’m so scared of doing the wrong thing. I don’t want to hurt him.”

“It’s going to be fine, Sirius. Bad things happen, mistakes happen, but it’s important that you will learn from it and give your best that it doesn’t happen again. You just need to talk to him and make sure that he knows how much he means to you – but also what you’re afraid of. I’m sure together you’ll figure out what’s right for the both of you.”

 “Thank you, Mom.”

“Anytime, dear.”

“You see, Pads?” James smiled encouragingly at Sirius. “It’s gonna be alright.”

Sirius smiled lightly and nodded.

“Try to get some sleep, okay? Both of you. And if you need anything, you know where I am.”

“Thanks, Mom.” Sirius hugged her once more and kissed her on the cheek, before he moved back and lay down. James also hugged her and then lay down next to Sirius. Euphemia smiled lightly when she saw this. Ever since Sirius had moved in with them they both had their own bed, but back when Sirius still used to have those nightmares, whenever they happened or whenever one of them had been upset for any other reason, they would share the bed to comfort each other.

“Goodnight boys. I love you.”

“Night, Mom. Love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the chapter!


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really don't know about this chapter *sigh*  
> Please read the notes at the end of the chapter though, it's important.

“Morning, Pads,” James yawned and sat up, running his hand through his messy hair. “How are you?”

Sirius just shrugged and continued staring down at his hands. He hadn’t caught a minute of sleep last night, he’d been tossing and turning in bed for hours, constantly thinking about Remus’ screams and the terrified expression on his face.

James laid his hand around Sirius’ shoulders and gave him a squeeze. “It’s gonna be fine, okay? Just talk it out with him today and then you both can see how you feel about what happened and if you need to talk it out and what you need for things to get back to normal again.”

“What if he hates me now?” Sirius whispered, clenching his hands to fists. This thought had been circling in his head the whole night and it tore his heart apart. He just couldn’t imagine living with himself if he had made Remus hate him.

“Why would he hate you?” James shook his head lightly. “Mom told us that he said it wasn’t your fault. And I think you reacted well. Getting Mom was a good idea.”

“Yeah, but not at first.” Sirius sighed and buried his face in his hands. “I completely panicked and I did all the wrong things. I totally cornered him. Ah, shit. I’m fucking terrible.”

“It’s okay, Sirius.” James rubbed his back. “Everyone makes mistakes sometimes. But you realised what you did wrong, so if it ever happens again, you can do better. Also I’m sure Remus understands that. It’s not easy to deal with a situation like this and honestly? I would have freaked out too. You’re not a professional and no one is expecting you to always know exactly what to do when confronted with things like this.”

“Thank you, James.”

“Anytime. So, you know, just talk it out and I’m sure it’s gonna be alright.”

Sirius nodded and exhaled slowly. “Do you think he’s already up?” he asked and then reached for his phone to check the time. It was twenty past ten.

“I don’t know. Do you want me to go and check?”

Sirius nodded. Better sending James ahead, in case Remus wouldn’t want to talk to him. James left the room and went downstairs and a few minutes later, he came back.

“He’s in the bathroom at the moment. Mom said you should come downstairs and have breakfast, so Remus can come in here and get his clothes and change.”

“Alright.” Sirius got up and he and James went downstairs to the kitchen. The table was set, but only for four people.

“Remus didn’t want any breakfast,” Mom said when she saw Sirius’ confused look. Then she stepped up to him and hugged him tightly. “How did you sleep?”

“Not at all,” Sirius sighed. “Do you… do you know if he’s mad at me?”

“He’s not, Sirius, don’t worry. He just needs a little time right now.”

“Yeah.” Sirius nodded and then grabbed his mug from the table to pour himself some coffee before he sat down next to James. His father didn’t say anything about the whole thing, but gave Sirius an encouraging smile.

He couldn’t eat anything, so he just stuck to his coffee. He was so worried about Remus and about what would happen between them now.

 

Sirius sat at the table with his family until they had finished breakfast and then put his plate and knife back where they belonged.

“Mom? Do you think it’s okay if I go upstairs and see if Remus wants to talk to me?”

“Sure. But if he needs some more time, you have to respect that.”

Sirius nodded and then turned around and headed upstairs to his room and knocked at the door.

“Just a second please,” Remus called from the inside. Sirius stepped back and waited until he could hear Remus saying “alright, you can come in.”

Sirius stepped forward, but stopped insecurely in the doorframe.

“Uh…” he said little intelligent, every word seemed to have left his mind.

“I assume you want to talk about last night,” Remus said quietly, running his hand through his still wet hair and looking down at the floor.

“Only if that’s okay for you,” Sirius said hastily.

“Uh, yeah. I guess.” Remus slowly sank down on the bed and looked down at his hands, fidgeting with the sleeves of his jumper.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it yet. Or… not at all.”

“No.” Remus shook his head. “It’s fine.”

“Okay.” Sirius sat down on the bed next to Remus, careful to leave some distance between them so he wouldn’t make him uncomfortable.

Remus inhaled deeply and bit down on his bottom lip, his hands rubbing uneasily over his thighs. “I, uh, I’m really sorry about what happened,” he said then, still not looking at Sirius.

“Sorry?” Sirius shook his head. “Remus, you don’t have to be sorry! If anything, _I_ am sorry.”

Remus shook his head vehemently. “No,” he said then surprisingly firmly. “You didn’t do anything wrong.” He hesitated for a moment, before he slowly continued. “I just… had a really bad nightmare and when I woke up… I just panicked and kind of disassociated. I don’t… I don’t even quite remember everything what happened. I just know that I heard you call my name and then I–” He stopped abruptly and clenched his right hand around his left arm. “Your mom was there. She uh…” his voice was quiet now, barely audible, “helped me calm down and took care of me.”

“Remus…” Sirius looked down at the way Remus was holding his arm. “Did–” He hesitated, swallowing empty. “Did you… hurt yourself?”

Remus lower lip trembled and he turned his head away from Sirius, wrapping his arms around himself. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“No, no, no.” Sirius reached out to lay his hand on Remus’ shoulder but stopped in the middle of his movement and awkwardly lowered his hand again. “You don’t need to be sorry, Remus. You relapsed. It happens. Just keep on trying to get better, okay? Don’t let that put you down.”

When Remus didn’t react to his words, Sirius carefully moved a bit closer and laid his hand on top of Remus’, ready to pull back again any second, if he would show any signs of uncomfortableness.

“I’m such a failure,” Remus said quietly and even though Sirius couldn’t see his tears, Remus’ voice gave away that he was crying.

“You’re not a failure, Remus. Don’t say that. You’ve been so incredibly strong for such a long time. Don’t make yourself feel bad just because things got too much for you. I love you, okay? It’s gonna be alright.”

For a second, Remus just stared down at Sirius’ hand on his own, but then he turned around and leaned his hand against Sirius’ shoulder. Sirius’ gently laid an arm around Remus and when he relaxed, pulled him closer and hugged him tightly. Remus was still crying and Sirius just held him, giving him time to let everything out.

 

“I’m so sorry,” Remus whispered hoarsely when he eventually calmed down. He moved back from Sirius and wiped the tears off his face with the sleeve of his sweater. “I– I would understand it if you want me to leave.”

“What? No! – I mean, of course I’m not gonna stop you if you _want_ to leave, but I’m sure as hell not gonna send you away.” Sirius squeezed Remus’ hand lightly.

“Are you sure?”

“Of course.” He smiled lightly at him. “Remus?” Sirius then asked quietly.

“Yeah?”

“Did… did you hurt yourself badly? I– I mean–”

“Your mom took care of it,” Remus interrupted him, “it’s alright.”

“Oh, okay,” Sirius said relieved. “That’s good.”

Remus just nodded and didn’t say anything else about it.

“Mom said you didn’t have any breakfast. You sure you don’t want to eat anything?”

Remus shook his head. “I’m feeling kind of sick. I don’t want to eat anything.”

“Okay. But if you get hungry, just say something, yeah?”

“Yeah.” Remus nodded and then sighed deeply, pulling his knees up against his chest and wrapping his arms around them.

* * *

 

Remus seemed to be still pretty shaken by what had happened last night. Even though it relieved Sirius that he hadn’t been the reason for what had happened and that Remus wasn’t mad at him, he was still worried. Remus barely spoke and he didn’t eat all day and his movements were slow, almost as if he wasn’t completely here, also sometimes Sirius had to repeat his name three times until Remus realised that someone was talking to him. Of course Sirius gave Remus a lot of time to rest, but it was difficult for him to keep quiet when he had the urge to ask Remus _what’s wrong?_ and _what can I do to help you?_ , every time his eyes got that unfocused look again or when he sighed deeply and wrapped his arms around himself.

After dinner – of which Remus had eaten nothing; he’d only had a glass of water – Mom took him to the bathroom, Sirius assumed to take a look at his cuts. Afterwards, Remus went outside to smoke a cigarette. He’d told Sirius that he needed a few minutes alone, so Sirius waited inside, sitting on the couch next to his dad.

He didn’t care about the news that were on the television and he didn’t really grasp anything of them either. Instead he was fidgeting with the silver studs on the leather cuff Remus had given him, looking out through the glass door to Remus every few seconds.

“He’s going to be fine, Sirius,” his father said after a few minutes, noticing what Sirius was doing.

Sirius just clenched his jaw and shrugged.

“I know you’re worried about him. But after I spent the last six months listening to you talking about _how great_ and _how amazing_ and _how strong_ Remus is, I’m sure he’ll get through it. – Especially with you supporting him.”

Sirius blushed lightly when Dad mentioned his talking about Remus all the time, but then he shrugged again. “But what if not?” he asked quietly. “I mean I don’t want to say that he’s not strong, because, _god_ , he is. But… I’m just so scared of losing him. Either through something happening to him or… to him just being fed up by me and leaving.”

“I very much doubt that, Sirius. Whether this is friendship, or – uh, anything… else,” his father scrunched his nose – he was always really awkward around relationship stuff. Not because he had anything against it, but he didn’t like to talk about that kind of stuff. – “Whatever this is – you’re important to him too. I know you care a lot about the people that are close to you and you have a hard time letting go, but sometimes you just need to have some trust and leave things to their own and just let it happen.”

Sirius sighed deeply, but then nodded. His father was right. He couldn’t force anything out of the situation with Remus, so no matter how hard it was, he just had to wait.

“Thank you, Dad.”

“Sure, son.” His Dad patted him on the shoulder and a few minutes later, Remus came back inside. For a few seconds he just insecurely stood next to the couch. He seemed to be wanting to ask something, but he needed a few seconds to grasp the words.

“Is, uh… is James upstairs in… your room?” he eventually asked quietly.

“No.” Sirius shook his head. “He’s in the bathroom.”

Remus nodded and then turned around and headed towards the stairs.

“Remus, uh–” Sirius hesitated for a moment, but then continued his question, “do you, uh… still want to be alone?”

Remus shrugged. “I don’t mind if you come upstairs too.”

“Okay.” Sirius got up from the couch and then followed Remus upstairs to his room. Remus sank down on the edge of the bed and pulled his phone out of his pocket, putting it down on the nightstand, while Sirius moved to the back of the bad and sat down, leaning against the wall. Much to his surprise, when Remus put his phone away, he turned around and scooched over to Sirius, leaning against him. Apart from this morning when they had been talking, Remus had been avoiding any kind of physical contact all day.

Sirius carefully laid his arm around Remus, giving him a gentle squeeze.

“I’m really sorry, Sirius,” Remus whispered quietly.

“You don’t have to apologise. It’s alright.”

“How are you not annoyed by me?” Remus sighed and lowered his head.

“Because there’s nothing to be annoyed about. You just need some time to process what happened, which is completely understandable.”

Remus sighed again, but didn’t say anything to it.

Sirius had the impression that Remus was intently thinking about something, because he seemed completely lost in his thoughts for the rest of the evening and his eyebrows were knitted tightly together, as if he was internally fighting about something with himself.

 

Later that night, after they’d both said they were tired and had turned off the light, Sirius could suddenly feel Remus snuggling up against his back, one arm sliding around Sirius’ waist and pressing the two of them close together.

“What are you doing?” Sirius asked, when he felt Remus’ lips pressing against his neck. He frowned lightly, confused by Remus’ sudden mood change.

“Nothing,” Remus murmured, but then kissed Sirius’ neck again.

Sirius turned around, but before he could ask him again, Remus kissed him on the mouth. Completely taken by surprise, Sirius’ brain turned itself off the second Remus’ soft lips met his and Sirius’ buried his fingers in Remus’ hair, pulling him closer. Jesus Christ, Remus definitely knew what he was doing. Before Sirius could grasp what was happening, Remus was sitting astride on his lap, every inch of their bodies pressed tightly together and his teeth scraping over Sirius’ jaw. Cursing quietly, Sirius’ head fell back in his neck, his eyes fluttering shut as he tried to get himself together enough to form a clear thought.

Remus pressed his lips against Sirius’ neck and Sirius groaned quietly, but then shook his head and forced himself to lean back and lay his hands against Remus’ shoulders, gently pushing him back.

“What are you doing?” he asked then again.

“What does it look like?” Remus asked back and leaned forward again, kissing Sirius on the lips. For a second, Sirius gave in, but when Remus’ hands glided down over his sides, he pulled back again.

“Why… so suddenly?” he asked, suspecting that there had to be a reason for this sudden change of mind.

Remus opened his mouth, but for a few moments, he remained silent. “Why not?” he stammered then.

Sirius shook his head. “Remus… I really don’t think that’s a good idea right now.”

“Oh.” Remus lowered his gaze and his hands fidgeted with the hem of his sweater. “So, you, uh… you don’t…” his voice got quieter, it was barely understandable now, “you don’t… want me.”

“What?” Sirius frowned and sat up straight, taking Remus’ hands. “Remus, that’s not what I meant.” He laid his hand on the back of Remus’ head and pulled him closer, pressing a kiss on his forehead. “Look at me,” he said then.

Remus hesitated for a moment, but then slowly looked up.

“Listen… This is not a rejection, okay? I did not say no because I don’t want you or something like that. I just think that after what happened yesterday, this is not a good idea. I don’t want us to rush anything, yeah? Let’s just take this one step at a time. There’s enough time for those things.”

Remus shook his head. “You don’t get it.” He ran his hand through his hair, his hands fidgeting with the hem of his sweater. “That’s exactly it,” he said then. “What happened yesterday…” He sighed frustrated. “I don’t want stuff like this to happen again. I just have to stop being so pathetic and get over this and carry on.”

“No.” Sirius shook his head.

“But I–”

“No,” Sirius interrupted him. “Remus, that’s just not right. Do you really think I want to… do something like that with you when you have to force yourself to this just to ‘get over’ something else? I wouldn’t be one whit better than those other guys.”

“ _Don’t you dare_ compare yourself to them!” Remus hissed.

“You know what I mean, Remus. _This_ is not how anything will happen between us. There is _no_ hurry, Remus. Just give yourself some time, okay?”

For a moment, Remus looked as if he wanted to disagree, but then he sighed deeply and leaned his forehead against Sirius’ shoulder. “You’re right. That was stupid. I’m really sorry.”

“It’s okay, Remus.” Sirius rubbed over his back. “I’m sorry if I sounded harsh, okay? I know you’ve been through a lot of difficult stuff, and believe me, if I could… I would give _everything_ to make the pain those things cause you go away.”

Remus hugged Sirius tightly and kissed him on the cheek. “Thank you, Sirius. – Look… I know I’ve been a terrible mess last night and today and I’m really sorry, but I swear I’m gonna get my shit together.”

“It’s okay, Remus. All in good time. No stress.” Sirius pressed a kiss on Remus’ temple.

“I just don’t want to ruin the last few days I’m here,” Remus sighed.

“You’re not ruining anything. Don’t worry.”

Remus smiled at him, but then he pulled back from their embrace and moved towards the edge of the bed.

“Hold on, where are you going?” Sirius grabbed his upper arm and pulled him back against his chest.

“I have to pee.” Remus chuckled and attempted to push Sirius’ arms away from around his waist.

“Nuh–uh.” Sirius shook his head. “I’m not letting go of you.”

“But I really need to pee.”

Sirius just groaned and tightened his embrace.

“I’m just gonna pee on you.”

“Kinky,” Sirius grinned.

“ _Ew_!” Remus exclaimed and shoved Sirius’ arms away. “I’m kinkshaming you.”

“Rude.”

“I don’t care. It’s disgusting.”

“You hurt my feelings.”

Remus frowned lightly and looked at Sirius. “Hold on. Are you really… I mean– into that kind of stuff?”

Sirius snorted and started laughing. “Christ, Remus, you’re such a sweetheart. But god, no.”

Remus rolled his eyes and shook his head and then freed himself from Sirius’ embrace and got up to go to the bathroom.

A few minutes later, he came back and slid next to Sirius under the blanket again. He moved closer to Sirius and leaned his head against his shoulder, so he could see the display of Sirius’ phone in his hands.

“What are you doing?”

“Hiring a hitman to take you out so I can finally get rid of you.” Sirius glanced at him and smirked, before he put the phone away.

“Why would you do that?”

“Because.”

“Oh, wow, good one, Sirius. You should become a lawyer.” Remus raised an eyebrow.

“Don’t sass me, Lupin.” Sirius pinched him in the waist.

Remus slapped his fingers. “You’re stupid.”

“And you’re mean,” Sirius pouted.

“ _You_ are the one hiring someone to kill me.”

“So?”

“So you’re meaner than me.”

Sirius just growled and playfully bit in the back of Remus’ neck.

“Did you just _bite_ me?” Remus scoffed and rubbed his neck. “Ew. Now I’m full of your spit.”

Sirius just grinned and before Remus could stop him, Sirius rolled over him and licked over his cheek.

“You are so disgusting,” Remus groaned, but couldn’t stop himself from laughing. “At least I know where you got you’re nickname though. You’re like a _dog_.”

Instead of an answer, Sirius just held both of Remus wrists firmly and licked his face again.

“Stop it,” Remus snorted and tried to free himself from Sirius’ grip. “Stop licking my face,” he forced out laughing. When he finally managed to free one of his hands, he pushed Sirius face away and then wiped his face with his sleeve.

“Would you rather have me lick something else?”

Remus snorted with laughter and covered his mouth with his hand, so he wouldn’t wake everyone up. He freed his other hand from Sirius’ grip as well and grabbed one of the pillows to hit him with it.

“You are the _worst_.”

“I know.” Sirius grinned and winked at him.

“I hate you.”

“Mhm.” Sirius bent down and kissed Remus. “I hate you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so this story has already gotten pretty long, so I have a question for you guys.  
> So the thing is, there are two possibilities how it can go on from here on  
> Possibility #1 is that I'm going to bring this story to an end. Probably after the end of Remus' trip (plus epilogue).  
> Possibility #2 is that I keep going.  
> I do have a lot more ideas and if you guys want me to, I will gladly keep on writing, but if you think this story is getting too long and that would be taking it too far, then I also understand that.  
> So please just leave me a comment and tell me what you think.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long absence guys! I hope you haven't forgotten about this story yet lol  
> I've been really busy between work and dozens of appointments and some private stuff, so I didn't get around to write often.
> 
> Anyways, since most of you voted for me to continue with this story, I will do that. We're back to texting chapters now, so I should be able to update more frequently again.   
> I hope you like this chapter!

When Remus woke up the next morning, Sirius’ arms were wrapped tightly around his waist and their legs were tangled in each other. He felt unusually good and relaxed, so he cuddled closer to Sirius and laid his hand on top of Sirius’ that was resting on his belly. Sirius tightened his arms around Remus’ waist and murmured his name quietly. Remus smiled lightly and sank deeper into the pillows, closing his eyes again. He actually dozed off for a little longer, until he felt Sirius stirring behind him.

“Morning, Sirius,” he said quietly and turned around to look at him.

“Morning.” Sirius smiled lazily at him and pulled him closer to press a kiss on his forehead. “I think this is the first morning that I woke up and you’re not downstairs yet.”

“Mhh.” Remus leaned his head against Sirius’ shoulder and laced their fingers together. “You’re right.”

“I like waking up a lot more when you’re here,” Sirius murmured and pressed a kiss on Remus’ cheek.

“Me too.” Remus smiled at him and buried himself in Sirius’ arms, pulling the blanket tighter around them.

“You know that I’m not gonna let you go back to New York, right?” Sirius said then and held him tighter.

“That’s fine with me. Cause I don’t want to go back anyway.”

“Good.” Sirius nuzzled his face in the crook of Remus’ neck and for a while, they both just lay there cuddled together in silence.

But not much later, James knocked at the door and told them to come downstairs for breakfast. Even though they’d told him they’d be down in a minute, neither of them moved after James left. It was just way too comfortable lying in Sirius’ arms like this and since Sirius didn’t show the slightest inclination to actually get up, Remus didn’t move either.

But not much later, James came again.

“I can’t believe this,” he said when he saw them still lying in bed. “Get _up_!”

“But it’s so comfy,” Remus protested. He turned his head and saw James standing in the door frame, shaking his head in disbelief.

“I don’t care. Mom said we have to wait for you two with breakfast. So get up now, I’m starving.”

“Starve in silence, please,” Sirius just said.

“Like hell I will,” James muttered and then strode across the room and grabbed Sirius’ ankle and started to pull him off the bed. Sirius yelped surprised and held onto Remus’ leg.

“No, let go of me!” Remus protested when James pulled harder and they both slid over the mattress. He grabbed the headboard and tried to free himself from Sirius’ grip. Jams strained himself against Sirius’ and Remus’ weight with his full body and so when Remus’ fingers slipped off the headboard, James lost his balance and fell backwards, jerking both Remus and Sirius off the mattress, so all three of them landed on the floor.

“Christ, James, you’re such an idiot,” Remus laughed and reached under his back to pull out a balled up pair of socks, on which he had landed and that was now pressing uncomfortably against his spine, to toss it at James.

“ _Me_?!”

“Yes, you,” Sirius and Remus said at the same time.

“No offense, Remus, but I can’t wait until you’re gone again. – Actually no, wait, please _do_ take  offense.”

“Oh my god, James, you’re so lame,” Sirius groaned and then rolled around so he was lying next to Remus and pulled him against his chest. “Also I think you should know that I won’t let Remus leave ever again.”

“Yeah, I’m definitely staying,” Remus agreed and wrapped his arms around Sirius, hugging him tightly.

“Can you just come downstairs for breakfast now?” James sighed exasperated.

“Mhh… no,” Sirius grinned and leaned back, placing his head on Remus’ backpack.

“Why not?”

“Because it’s so much fun making you angry.”

James groaned and then turned around and stuck his head out the door. “Moooom!” he called loudly.

“What?” they could hear Mrs. Potter asking loudly from downstairs.

“Sirius is being mean to me.”

“Sirius, be nice to James.”

Sirius snorted with laughter and buried his head in the crook of Remus’ neck. “Honestly, Remus, you can’t leave me alone with this bloke. Look at him, it’s terrible.”

“Sirius, be nice to James,” Remus repeated Mrs. Potters words.

“Exactly!” James agreed. “Thank you, Remus.”

Remus snickered when Sirius groaned loudly, but eventually got up. He gave Remus a hand and pulled him up on his feet as well.

“So can we go eat breakfast now?” James asked then impatiently.

“I don’t know, Prongs, after how you just treated us, I think we need to go back to bed for a while to recover from this,” Sirius grinned.

“Oh my god,” James groaned. “I’m gonna tell Mom.”

“Not if I tell her first.” Sirius pushed James out of the way and ran out of the room, heading for the stairs.

“What are you even gonna tell her?!” James called out, but chased after him. Remus chuckled quietly and shook his head when he could hear their trampling footsteps on the stairs and moments later some loud clatter and them yelling at each other – but also both of them laughing.

When he went after them, they were in the kitchen and Sirius was pouring coffee in a mug and pressing his hand on his ribs.

“What did you do?” Remus asked him.

“James pushed me down the stairs.” Sirius turned around and handed the mug to Remus.

Remus thanked him, but got interrupted by James’ protest.

“I didn’t push you! You just suddenly stopped.”

“And you ran into me.”

“How the hell was I supposed to know that you would just suddenly stop running halfway down the stairs?!” James punched him in the arm and Sirius hit back immediately.

“Boys, be nice to each other,” Mrs. Potter tutted when she entered the kitchen.

“But aren’t we always, mother,” Sirius asked sweetly and pulled James in a hug that looked a little too much like a headlock.

James freed himself from Sirius’ grip and pushed him aside. “Can we _please_ just eat breakfast now?”

Mrs. Potter nodded and Sirius poured himself a coffee as well, before they all sat down and started eating.

“Remus, what time does your flight leave on Wednesday?” Mrs. Potter asked him.

“That doesn’t matter, cause he’s not leaving,” Sirius said before Remus could answer.

“Oh really?” Mrs. Potter smiled softly.

“Yeah. I’m not gonna let him go away ever again.”

“Why don’t _you_ just go to New York with him?” James asked him. “Then we’d finally get some peace and quiet around here.”

“Why don’t _you_ go to New York?” Sirius asked back.

“Because that would make absolutely _no_ sense. What am I supposed to do there?”

“You can move in with Remus’ parents. They’re like super rich.”

“Your parents are rich?” James asked Remus surprised.

“He’s exaggerating.” Remus rolled his eyes. “They’re not rich.”

“Nuh–uh. Don’t play it down now. Remus is like super posh.”

Remus rolled his eyes again and shook his head. “You are so full of shit,” he scoffed and reached across the table to get some more orange juice.

“Why, thank you, Moony. I love you too.”

“Uh–huh.”

“Listen to that, now, ever the romantic.”

Remus scoffed, but wasn’t able to hide a small grin. “Can you _please_ just shup up and eat?”

“See that, Pads? Even Remus is fed up with you.”

“Yeah, I know, everyone hates me,” Sirius snivelled dramatically. “It’s so unfair.”

“It’s not unfair,” James disagreed, “you deserve it.”

“I think _I_ ’m gonna go to New York and you haters can stay here.”

“Did you just call us haters?” Remus snorted.

“You _are_ haters.”

“Wow. That is _so_ not punk rock, Sirius.”

Sirius gasped and pressed his hand on his chest. “How _dare_ you?!”

“He’s right though,” James said. “You just lost your punk rock status. I’m going to have to collect your leather jacket, your boots and your weird dog collars.  – Also you have to cut your hair.”

“One more word, Prongs, and I will have to stab you.”

“So do _you_ want to tell my grandma that you’re no longer part of the punk rock club, or do you want me to do that?” Remus asked when Sirius continued to stare threateningly at James.

“Oh my god.” Sirius turned around and glared at him. “I can’t believe you pulled _that_ card.”

“Hold on, what’s that about?” James asked.

“Oh, Sirius and my grandmother have a punk rock club,” Remus explained, while continuously swatting Sirius’ hands away, who was trying to cover Remus’ mouth to stop him from talking. “Because they share a lot of the same _very_ punk rock traits, you know? Like being overly dramatic and liking bad jokes.”

“Remus, I hate you so much,” Sirius groaned when James started to laugh out loud and Mrs. Potter chuckled too. “You just destroyed the last bit of dignity I had left.”

Now James laughed even louder. “Dignity? Sirius, you lost your dignity the day you ran into a lamp post because you were busy staring at Rosier’s arse.”

“It was Halloween. He was wearing _spandex_ ,” Sirius defended himself when everyone laughed again.

“I don’t even get what you see in him.” James shook his head and scoffed. “He’s a jerk.”

“Mate, I hate that bloke. He still has a great ass though.”

James snorted. “You are so fucking gay.”

“Oh my god.” Sirius gasped shocked. “No _way_. How’d you figure?”

“I don’t know, mate, maybe when you convinced me to sneak into a club with you when we were fifteen and, y’know, _forgot_ to tell me it was a gay club.”

“Ah, yes.” Sirius grinned. “That was a good night.”

Remus chuckled and shook his head in disbelief. Mrs. Potter didn’t say anything to it; she seemed to already know the story.

 

When they finished breakfast, they helped Mrs. Potter clean up the kitchen. She asked Remus again about the time of his flight and then said that they’d probably drive off at five, so they’d be at the airport at around six.

After breakfast, James, Sirius and Remus spent a while playing a game on the PlayStation, but in the afternoon, Mrs. Potter told them to go outside for a while, because it was really nice weather. They took a stroll around the streets and then ended up taking the bus to go to the nearby mall for a while.

They had a lot of fun and the day passed incredibly fast and suddenly, when they were sitting in the bus on their way home, the realisation hit Remus, that in just two days, he would have to go back to New York again. He sighed quietly and leaned his head against Sirius’ shoulder.

“You okay?” Sirius asked him and laid an arm around him.

“Yeah.” Remus nodded and grabbed Sirius’ hand, lacing their fingers together.

“You sure?”

“I just thought about how soon I will have to leave again.”

Sirius sighed quietly. “I know. I’m gonna miss you too.” He pressed a kiss on Remus’ head. “But we still have almost two full days until you leave.”

Remus just hummed in agreement and pulled Sirius’ hand closer to press a brief kiss on his knuckles.

“Don’t be sad, yeah? We can see us again soon. I have autumn holidays in October and if you want to, you can come here again. – I mean, I would offer to come to New York, but I don’t think I’ll be able to save up this much money in so little time, to be honest.”

“I would love to come here again.” Remus smiled at him.

“Awesome. And it’s not that long either. It’s like twelve weeks, I think. And I mean if you want to drop by sooner, our door’s always open for you. Right, Prongs?”

“Totally.” James grinned. “I’m glad if someone’s here to entertain Sirius, so I don’t have to deal with him.”

Sirius snorted and kicked James in the shin. “You’re an asshole.”

“I know.”

 

They got home just a little earlier than Mr. Potter and so not much later, they all ate dinner together. After that, Sirius went upstairs to take a shower and Remus went outside to smoke while waiting for him to finish. When Sirius was done showering, he came outside as well and sat down next to Remus, laying an arm around him and pressing a kiss on his temple.

“Sirius?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you…” Remus hesitated. “Do you really want me to come here again this fall?”

“Of course! Hell, if it were up to me, we would never spend a day apart _ever_ again.”

Remus smiled lightly. He would definitely prefer that too. “But… would your parents be okay with it too?” he asked then.

“Definitely. I think you underestimate how much my mom likes you.”

Remus scrunched his nose. “Really?” he asked doubtfully. After what happened Saturday night, it was hard to believe that they would really want him to come back.

“Yes. Like it or not, but you won’t get rid of us anymore. You have my family behind you forever now.”

“I think I could imagine worse.” Remus smiled at Sirius and pressed a kiss on his cheek.

“Good.” Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus and hugged him tightly.

Later that evening, they watched a movie upstairs with James, before he bid them goodnight and went downstairs again.

“What do you want to do tomorrow?” Sirius asked Remus when they had both changed into their pyjamas and lay down on the bed.

“I don’t know.”

“You always say that. Tomorrow’s your last full day here. And I want to do what _you_ want to.”

“But I don’t care what we do.” Remus moved closer to Sirius and leaned his head against his shoulder. “I just want to spend time with you.”

“Well, aren’t _you_ affectionate today? Downright _clingy_.”

“You’re stupid,” Remus groaned. “I take it back, I hate you and I want you to stay far away from me.”

“Are you sure?” Sirius asked, slinging an arm around Remus waist and pressing a kiss on his neck.

“Yes.”

“But then I couldn’t do this.” Sirius kissed Remus’ neck again, his lips wandering up to his ear and then along his jaw towards his lips. “Are you sure you want me to stay away from you?” he asked and then kissed Remus on the mouth.

Remus grinned and laid his arms around Sirius’ neck pulling him closer. “If you promise to shut up I’ll think about it,” he murmured against his lips.

“I think that won’t be much of a problem. I’m kind of busy doing other things with my mouth right now.”

Remus chuckled quietly and raised his head to kiss Sirius again.

* * *

 

This past week was the happiest Remus had been in a long time – if not ever. Which was why when he woke up on Tuesday morning, the realisation that he would have to leave again soon, hit him painfully. He was glad that his plane was leaving so late tomorrow, but even so, there was way too little time left.

He groaned and rolled around, slinging his arm around Sirius’ waist and buried his face between his shoulder blades.

Sirius slept quite long that day and even though Remus got up once to go to the bathroom and then smoke a cigarette, he went back upstairs and slipped under the covers next to Sirius again as soon as he was done.

It was past eleven when Sirius woke up, and all he did was to turn around Remus’ arms and nuzzle his head in the crook of Remus’ neck, pressing a kiss against his skin.

“Morning,” he murmured.

“Morning, Sirius.”

“Did you sleep well?”

“Yeah. You?”

“Mhh.” Sirius hugged Remus tighter and sighed deeply. “Dreamt about you.”

“You did?” Remus asked, blushing lightly.

“Mhm. ‘t was nice.” Sirius propped himself on his elbows and grinned sleepily at Remus. “But this is nicer.” He bent down to kiss him. “So,” he asked then, “have you thought about what you want to do today?”

“I told you, I don’t care. I just want to spend time with you. For all I care, we can lie in bed all day and do nothing.”

“That’s fine with me,” Sirius grinned, “also fits perfectly into my plan of not letting you any further away from me than–” he moved closer to Remus, so every inch of their bodies was pressed together– “this for the rest of the time you’re here.”

“Sounds good. There is just one small problem. How do you plan on going to the toilet? Or showering?”

“Well, the toilet part, we already discussed the other night.”

Remus scrunched up his nose when he remembered.

“And about the shower… there’s room for two in there.”

“Sounds like you have experience,” Remus smirked.

Sirius huffed out a laugh and nodded, but then he said, “I can tell you right away though, no shower sex. I really don’t want to sprain my sacral bone again.”

Remus laughed. “How did that happen?”

“My then–boyfriend dropped me. It was totally not my fault.”

Still laughing, Remus shook his head lightly. “Well, since I doubt that I’ll be able to lift you, I don’t think you’ll have to worry about me dropping you.”

“Hey, I’m not that heavy,” Sirius defended himself.

“I was more trying to say that I’m weak, than that you’re heavy.”

“I don’t believe you.” Sirius snivelled. “You insulted me.”

“Aw.” Remus pressed a kiss on his lips. “I’m so sorry.”

Sirius pouted. “I don’t believe you.”

“No?”

Sirius shook his head and exaggerated his pout even more. “You think I’m fat.”

“I promise you, I don’t think that.” Remus kissed him again. “You’re perfect.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Yeah, you are.”

“Okay, you’re right, I am.”

Remus snorted and rolled his eyes, but kissed Sirius again. “You’re an idiot.”

“A _perfect_ idiot, please.”

“Still an idiot though.”

 

By the time they eventually went downstairs to eat something, it was way past noon. James complained about them taking so long, because he’d wanted to shower for hours, but needed to get fresh clothes.

“Well, why didn’t you just come in there and get them?” Sirius asked frowning. “It’s not like we locked the door or something.”

“Man, I don’t wanna see what you guys are doing in there.”

Remus blushed deeply because of what James was obviously implying – especially when he realised that Mrs. Potter was in the kitchen and had definitely heard it.

“We didn’t–” he started to defend himself, but James just waved off and went upstairs.

“Don’t mind him.” Sirius laid an arm around his shoulders and gave him a squeeze. “He’s just jealous that no one wants to snog him.”

“Yeah, right.” Remus rolled his eyes lightly.

“It’s true, believe me. _No one_ wants to snog– unless,” Sirius gasped loudly and pressed his hand on his chest, “do _you_ want to snog him?”

“Oh, yeah, you got me. This all has just been a farce of me trying to get James. But you caught me before I could get through with my brilliant plan. Oh no.”

Sirius laughed and shook his head, smiling widely, before he pulled Remus closer and pressed a kiss on his temple. “Christ, boy, I love you so much.”

Remus, blushing again, ducked his head and nudged Sirius in the side with his elbow. “You’re stupid.”

They went to the kitchen to get something to eat and by the time they were done with that, James was done showering and came downstairs again.

The afternoon passed way too fast for Remus’ taste and whenever the thought hit him that this was his last full day here, his intestines twisted and he reached out to grab Sirius’ hand or something like this. Sirius seemed to share his thoughts, because every now and then, he gave Remus a half–hearted smile and pulled him closer for a kiss.

“You guys are being so dramatic,” James groaned after a while. “It’s not like you’re _dying_. Remus is going back to New York. And you’re gonna be texting each other night and day anyway. Also I thought we’d already established that Remus is coming back in October. That’s like twelve weeks until then. You’ll live.”

“Don’t be fucking rude.” Sirius hit James with a pillow. “We’re gonna miss us a lot.”

James sighed deeply and rolled his eyes. “I know, man, it’s just–” He shook his head, “Never mind. Forget I said anything.”

“We can stop if it makes you uncomfortable,” Remus said, frowning lightly.

“Nah, mate, don’t sweat it. I’m just being cranky cause I’m not used to being the third wheel. Just ignore me.”

“Aw, yes, you know, Remus, usually our little James is the centre of all attention. Ain’t that right?” Sirius wrapped his arms around James and pulled him against his chest, ruffling his hair.

James groaned and fought himself free from Sirius’ embrace. “You’re such a dick, man.”

“Oh, yeah, I definitely am a dick–man. Love me some dick.”

Remus and James both groaned and James smacked Sirius. “God, I hate you so much.”

“And yet, we both know you couldn’t live without me.”

“Ugh.”

 

Later, Remus excused himself to go upstairs and take a shower and when he was done, he slipped into his sweatpants and a sweater and went to Sirius’ room, to put his other stuff back in his suitcase. Not much later though, Sirius knocked at the door.

“Moony, it’s time to get dressed,” he said, grinning widely when he poked his head through the door. “We’re going out for dinner.”

“Oh, okay. Are James and your parents coming too?”

“Nope. Just the two of us. I’m taking you out to Nando’s, like I promised you.”

Remus could feel a blush rising over his face, but he smiled widely. “Okay.”

“Great. I’ll be in the bathroom then.”

“Oh, so that means I have a few more hours until we leave?” Remus teased him.

Sirius rolled his eyes, but grinned too, before he grabbed some of his clothes and then left the room, closing the door behind himself.

For a few seconds, Remus just stood there on the spot, smiling widely to himself, but then he turned around to grab some clean clothes out of his suitcase and changed. Even though he knew that Nando’s wasn’t like an exclusive restaurant or something – and even if it was, he hadn’t packed any fancy clothes – he still tried to look as nice as possible. After all, this was his first date ever.

Well.

_If_ this was a date.

Was it?

Suddenly, Remus was incredibly nervous. He and Sirius still hadn’t talked about what exactly was going on between them and even though it hadn’t been a problem those last couple of days, Remus knew that he wouldn’t be able to handle it like this once he was back in New York. But on the other hand, he also was scared of talking to Sirius about this. What if he said the wrong thing and made Sirius mad? What if he lost him? The thought terrified Remus. And just _how much_ he was afraid of this made everything even worse. It scared him how much power Sirius had over him. How much he could hurt Remus if only he wanted to.

“He wouldn’t do that,” Remus said to himself, running his hands through his hair and trying to force himself to calm down. And yet, there was this small, but unfortunately very strong, part of him that just couldn’t believe it. _What if?_ , the voice inside of him whispered incessantly. _What if, what if, what if…_

Remus didn’t know how much time passed, while he just stood in the middle of the room, fighting with himself, trying to ignore his doubts and to just have _trust_ for once, but it must have been a lot more than he’d thought, because suddenly he got torn out of his thoughts when Sirius knocked at the door, asking him if he was ready.

“Just a second,” he answered hastily, and casted a glance in the mirror and fixed his hair as good as possible, trying to ignore the painful sting in his chest when he looked at his face. Yet another reason why it was impossible that this between him and Sirius would end well. He wasn’t even a real guy. Sirius wasn’t attracted to him. Not physically, that much was sure.

“You alright?” Sirius asked, frowning worried when Remus exited the room. “We don’t have to go if you don’t want to.”

“No, I do want to go,” Remus said hastily and smiled at Sirius.

“Alright then.” Sirius pulled him closer and pressed a kiss on his temple, before they went downstairs and put on their shoes – they didn’t need a jacket, because it was still pretty warm outside. Mr. and Mrs. Potter as well as James wished them a nice evening, and then they left the house, heading down the street.

“Is it okay if we walk?” Sirius asked Remus, “It’s not that far. Maybe fifteen minutes.”

“Yeah, that’s fine.”

Sirius smiled at him and laid his arm around Remus’ shoulder, pulling him closer. Remus slung his arm around Sirius waist, enjoying the closeness and the warmth of Sirius’ body against his.

They barely talked on the way there, but it was a comfortable silence. Just as Sirius had said, they arrived at the restaurant about fifteen minutes later and when they were sitting at the table and were looking through the menu, Remus looked up from his, just to see Sirius looking at him.

“What?” he asked.

“You look beautiful.”

“Shut up.” Remus rolled his eyes.

Sirius chuckled quietly. “I mean it, though.”

“Stop staring at me.” Remus smacked Sirius with his menu and when that didn’t stop him from continuing to stare at him, Remus hid his face behind it.

“Oh, come on,” Sirius complained, “I don’t have much more time to look at you.”

“Good. Cause I don’t like it when you stare at me like that.”

Not much later, the waitress came back though and when they’d ordered and given back their menus, Sirius grinned triumphantly.

“God, I hate you,” Remus groaned, burying his face in his hands.

“How rude. I take you out on such a nice date and you tell me you hate me.”

Remus looked up again, insecurely biting down on his lower lip. “So this is a date?”

“Well…” Now Sirius looked unsure. “I mean, I thought it was, but… if you don’t want that, it doesn’t have to be.”

“No.” Remus blushed deeply. “I just didn’t think _you’d_ want that.”

“Duh.” Sirius rolled his eyes and shook his head lightly. “If it were up to me, I’d take you out on a date like every day.”

“That’s a tad excessive, don’t you think?”

“Pfft. I don’t care. Hell, let’s make it twice a day.”

Remus laughed and shook his head, picking up his glass and taking a sip.

 

They spent an amazing evening together. Sirius managed to completely make Remus forget that they were in a public place and that there were other people there as well.

When they finished their meal and when – despite Remus’ protests – Sirius had paid for all of it, they left the restaurant.

“What time’s it?” Sirius asked Remus.

“Just after eight,” Remus answered after he’d taken a look at the clock on his phone.

“Do you want to go back home right away?”

Remus shrugged. “Not necessarily. Why? What do you have in mind?”

Sirius just grinned widely and grabbed Remus’ hand, pulling him forward. Remus protested, but when Sirius didn’t give in and didn’t tell him where they were going, he sighed and just followed him silently.

“ASDA?” he asked sceptically and raised an eyebrow, when he saw the store on the other end of the street.

“Just a quick stop,” Sirius reassured him before they entered the store. He seemed to know exactly where he would find whatever he was looking for, because he quickly pulled Remus through the aisles. “There!” he said eventually.

“Are you trying to get me sloshed?” Remus asked frowning when he saw that Sirius was pointing towards a shelf full of various liquor and other alcoholic beverages.

Sirius grinned and shook his head. “I just thought we could get some champagne,” he said and then grabbed two bottles.

“Oh, okay. – Do we really need two bottles though?”

“Yep. Cause if we only take one, you’re not gonna get any.”

Remus chuckled and rolled his eyes, but then took the bottles out of Sirius’ hands when they came do the checkout. “I’ll pay for that,” he said, ignoring Sirius’ protest “You already paid for dinner.”

When they left the store, Sirius laced his fingers with Remus’ and raised their hands, to press a soft kiss on the back of Remus’ hand. 

“So where are we going now?” Remus asked curiously. 

“Don’t laugh,” Sirius said and despite the dim light, Remus could see that he was blushing. “It’s a playground. – But it’s a really nice place,” he added hastily. “I used to go there a lot, back when I still lived with my parents, to escape from them.”

“That sounds great,” Remus said softly, giving Sirius’ hand a squeeze. “And of course I’m not laughing at you.”

It didn’t take them long, to get there, maybe another ten minutes. And Sirius had been right – it really was a nice place. Even though it was right next to a small forest and it was almost dark by now, it wasn’t creepy at all. The streetlamps alongside the path that led by it, spent just enough light so they could see everything. Remus followed Sirius to the back of it, where there was a swing set, and they each sat down on a swing.

“I can’t believe you’re leaving tomorrow,” Sirius sighed, looking over at Remus for a moment, before he handed him one of the bottles of champagne and then opened the one still in his hands. 

“Don’t talk about it.” Remus scrunched up his nose. “It’s so nice tonight. Let’s just forget about tomorrow for a moment.”

“Sounds good.” Sirius smiled at him and then took a sip of the champagne.

They fell silent for a while, just sitting next to each other, swinging lightly and occasionally taking a sip of champagne. Remus stared at the road on the other side of the fence which enclosed the playground and hesitated a moment, before he asked the question that was on his mind, because he didn't want to ruin how nice it was right now. 

“Sirius?”

“Yeah?”

“I know I just said that we shouldn’t talk about tomorrow, but... how are things gonna continue with us? When I go back home, I mean.” 

“However you want them to be, Remus.”

Remus sighed and ran his hand through his hair, taking a sip of champagne. He didn’t know how to decide this. And he was scared of saying the wrong thing and ruining everything.

“Come here.” Sirius stood up from his swing and held his hand out towards Remus. When Remus took it, Sirius pulled him up on his feet and kissed him gently. “Whatever you want, Remus, however you decide, it’s okay. I promise. I won’t be mad or anything. All I want is for you to be comfortable with me. You know I love you, Remus. If you want to be in a relationship with me, I promise I’ll give all I have to be the best possible boyfriend for you, and if you prefer friendship, I will be the best friend I can be for you. Anything, Remus, as long as I can be with you.”

Remus tied his arms around Sirius’ waist and buried his face in the crook of Sirius’ neck. He couldn’t help it – he started to cry. He hated himself for always being so damn emotional, but he couldn’t do anything about it. 

He was just so happy to have Sirius and he was so  _in love_ , but he was also scared and terrified and anxious and he didn’t know what to do. 

“It’s okay, Remus.” Sirius rubbed his back and held him tightly, pressing soft kisses on his head. 

“I’m gonna miss you so much,” Remus sobbed, clinging tighter onto Sirius. 

“I’m gonna miss you too, Remus.” Sirius’ voice was shaky and his embrace tightened. “So much,” he whispered. “But we can do this, okay? We can do this. My holidays start on the nineteenth of October. Eleven weeks, Remus. Eleven weeks and you can come back here, yeah? You’ll be back in no time, I promise. We will text day and night and we can skype and talk and see each other, okay?” He seemed to be reassuring himself with those words just as much as Remus. 

“Okay,” Remus whispered and then pulled back from Sirius’ hug to kiss him. “I’m sorry I started crying.”

“Don’t be.” Sirius smiled at him and Remus could see tears glistening in his eyes as well. “I’m probably gonna bawl my eyes out tomorrow at the airport.”

“Oh my god,” Remus groaned. “I’m gonna cry so hard.”

Sirius chuckled. “It’s gonna be like one of those terrible movies.”

“Yeah,” Remus laughed, “and then you’ll have to run after me and stop me from getting onto the plane in the last second.”

“Exactly! And then we’ll kiss and everyone will applaud us!”

Remus snorted and rolled his eyes, but he was glad that just as fast as it had appeared, his sadness had gone. 

“Come with me.” Sirius grabbed his hand and pulled him to the other end of the playground. There was a big hammock, knotted out of thick rope. Sirius sat down on it, leaning back on the ropes that held it to its stand and pulled Remus up, so he was sitting between his legs and leaning against his chest. “I used to spend hours here,” he said then, nuzzling his head against Remus’ and pressing a kiss on his cheeks. “One time even a whole night. I always hoped my parents would look for me and apologize for the fight, but they never did.”

“I’m so sorry about that, Sirius.” Remus squeezed Sirius’ hand. “They sound so cruel.”

Sirius scoffed dryly. “If you think that was bad, try that time my father beat me up because he found out I had a crush on a boy. I was _six_.”

Remus’ mouth opened in shock, unable to find words.

“Or when I was seven and had made them angry, so they didn’t take me with them when they were visiting relatives and left me alone for five days. – Or, why yes, when I was thirteen and found out that not only were there cameras in every room of our house – including my bath and bedroom – but they had also bugged my phone to completely supervise me in any way.”

“Christ, Sirius, I–”

“Of course, all of those things were my own fault, y’know?” he continued bitterly, ignoring Remus’ words, “ _I’m_ the bad one. _I’m_ fucked up. _I’m_ the disgrace and the disappointment. – You know, even after they kicked me out and I was living with the Potters, I was still terrified. I was convinced they were watching me and once they saw that I was happy there, they would come and take me away. Because they’d rather have to put up with me, than to allow me to be happy.” Sirius sighed deeply and leaned his head against Remus’. “I’m sorry,” he said then. “I didn’t mean to say all of this. It just broke out of me.”

“It’s okay, Sirius.” Remus turned his head towards him and pressed a kiss on his cheek. “I’m really sorry you had to go through all of this. But I’m glad you got away from there.”

“Me too.” Sirius sighed deeply. “But, you know… I defended them for so long. I always thought it wasn’t _that_ bad. And that it was my fault because _I_ provoked them. And if I just tried hard enough, I could be good and they would love me again. But when I met James and started to spend more time with him and his family, I realized that this _wasn’t_ normal. That what my parents did was not okay at all. Like that thing with the cameras.” Sirius lowered his head, he seemed deeply ashamed. “I was _thirteen_. You can imagine what kind of things I’d been doing in my room. They never said anything about if they had seen me doing something like this, so I still don’t know. But just the knowledge that it’s _possible_ … It still makes me cringe.” He shook his head lightly. “I told James about the cameras and that my parents had said this was their right; that they had the right to always know what I was doing. James, of course, knew that this wasn’t alright. I was unsure if I should believe him at first, but when he convinced me to tell his parents and I saw how shocked they were, I knew he’d told the truth. From then on, I kept telling the Potters more and more about the things my parents did. I was terrified they would find out and punish me, but I just couldn’t keep it to myself. And, well, not much later, I had a huge fight with my parents when they found out I had a boyfriend and they kicked me out. And, honestly, that was the second best thing that ever happened to me.” Sirius smiled lightly and kissed Remus’ cheek. “Right after meeting you, of course.”

“I’m so sorry you had to go through all of this, Sirius.”

“Psh. That’s nothing compared to what you went through.”

“Don’t say that. It’s not true. You went through a lot and I’m really proud of you.”

“Thank you, Remus,” Sirius laid his hand under Remus’ chin and turned his head, so he could kiss him on the mouth.

 

They spent some more time there, just lying on the hammock, drinking their champagne and talking. Remus wished he could spend forever just being right here with Sirius.

Eventually though, it cooled down quite a big and because neither of them had brought a jacket, they decided to go back home.

They took their time on the way home, walking slowly and still talking about some stuff – also both tipsy.

When they arrived, Sirius quietly opened the door and they tip–toed upstairs, so they woulnt wake up James, who was asleep on the couch.

Remus went to the bathroom right away, because from all the champagne, he needed to pee really badly. When he was done, Sirius went and while Sirius was in the bathroom, Remus took off his binder and put on a t–shirt to sleep.

Sirius kicked off his jeans and put on a different shirt, before he lay down on the bed. Remus moved closer and lay down next to him.

“Tonight was really nice,” Remus said quietly and bent closer and kissed Sirius.

“You liked it?” Sirius smiled widely. “So it was a good date?”

“It was perfect. Not that I have anything to compare it to, but still.”

“Oh, come on. You can’t tell me no one’s ever taken you out on a date before.”

Remus snorted and raised an eyebrow. “Well, I mean if it counts as a date when you get a text message that says ‘come over tonight, I got shrooms’, then yes. I’ve been on plenty of dates.”

“Well, I can’t serve with that, but I’m gonna take you out for dinner again when you come back.”

“That’s much better.” Remus smiled at him and kissed him again.

“Good.”

“And when you come to New York, I’m gonna take _you_ out.”

“Well, you know, _if_ I ever safe up enough money.” Sirius sighed. “I with plane tickets weren’t so expensive.”

“It’s okay. If anything else fails, I’ll make my parents buy you a ticket.”

“Do they even know about me?”

Remus blushed lightly and shook his head. “Well, first I didn’t know _why_ I should tell them. When we were just texting, y’know? And then I didn’t know _how_. I mean… they think I’m with Lily right now. And they wouldn’t have ever let me go if they’d known the truth.”

“You know that this could have gone horribly wrong, right?” Sirius frowned lightly. “I mean I could have been some pervert and kidnapped you.”

Remus shrugged. “But you’re not.”

“ _Buuut_ I could have been.”

“But you’re not.” Remus pressed a quick kiss on Sirius’ lips to keep him from arguing again. When he wanted to pull back though, Sirius held him and deepened the kiss for a moment.

“What am I gonna go when you go back to New York tomorrow?” he whispered against Remus’ lips.

“Probably find someone else.”

“Remus.” Sirius frowned deeply and shook his head. “Don’t say that. It’s not true.”

“But what if?” Remus sighed and lowered his head, avoiding Sirius’ eyes.

“It’s not gonna happen.”

“But that’s what I’m gonna be thinking all the time. I’m gonna be in New York and I’m constantly gonna be thinking that you’re with someone else. That’s why it’s so difficult for me to know where I want this between us to go. I mean… I do want us to be in a relationship, but I also know that if we were, I’m going to go mad once I’m back in New York. This all would be so much easier if we lived closer together.”

“It really would.” Sirius took Remus’ hand and squeezed it lightly. “But Remus, I would _never_ cheat on you.”

“It’s not…” Remus hesitated, trying to find the words to explain properly what he was feeling inside. “It’s not that I think you would do that. I mean… rationally, I know you’re not. But… that’s not how my feelings or my anxiety work. I know exactly that as soon as I’m not with you, going to think about you finding someone better and cheating on me all the time. – It’s not that I have a bad imagine of you, but… that’s how my mind is. It’s the same with Lily. I constantly think about her making fun of me with all the people she met in Brighton.”

Sirius’ frown deepened and he looked like he didn’t know what to say. “Remus… if there’s any way I can help you with this, then I will. But if it’s really that bad… maybe it’s better if we just wait. We just carry on like before. And when we see us again, or when we actually get to see us regularly, we can still change that. – Also we’re only eighteen. In a few years, we can live closer or we can even live together and none of this will be a problem anymore.”

“Do you really think so?” Remus asked unsurely.

“Of course. We’ll just let that whole relationship thing be for now, and once we live closer to each other or have it sorted out somehow else, we’ll see again, okay?”

“Yeah.” Remus smiled and him. “Do you… do you really think we can live together some day?”

“Definitely! What I want most in life is to have you around me every day, like the last couple of days, and you can bet your sweet butt that I will have that at some point.”

Remus’ smile widened, but he could also feel himself blush deeply. “I’m already looking forward to that.”

“Me too, Remus. Me too.”

* * *

 

Sirius was woken up the next morning when he heard Remus groan unwillingly and the next moment, he was hugged tightly, lips pressing against his jaw.

“We’re very cuddly today, huh?” he chuckled softly and returned the embrace, kissing the top of Remus’ head.

“Yes. I’m not gonna let go of you until I have to leave.”

“That’s perfectly fine for me.” Sirius pulled Remus closer against his chest.

They both seemed to be determined to actually stick to this. Even when they went downstairs later to eat breakfast with James and Mom, they sat so close together, that their shoulders touched.

James, of course, noticed and rolled his eyes annoyed when Sirius reached out for Remus’ hand and laced their fingers together as soon as they were done eating.

“Can’t you guys be a little less disgusting?”

“Definitely not.” Sirius pulled Remus closer and pressed a kiss on his temple. “We’re gonna be as disgusting as we want for the rest of the day, because we don’t have much time left.”

“Ugh.” James groaned and rolled his eyes.

“You’re just jealous because you’re all alone,” Remus taunted.

“I can’t wait until you’re gone, Remus. You suck so much.”

Before Remus could respond anything, Sirius chuckled and grinned widely. “He does, but that’s okay, cause he also swallows.”

James choked on his water and Remus repeatedly punched him in the upper arm. “You idiot!” he hissed, his face deep red. “That was a joke!” he said, turning towards James and Mom.

“Stop hitting me.” Sirius grabbed Remus’ wrist and stopped him from hitting him. “I’m sorry,” he chuckled then. “I just couldn’t resist.”

Remus just glared at him. “I hate you.”

Sirius opened his mouth to say something, but in the last moment, he thought better of it. “I’m sorry,” he repeated instead.

“You better be.” Remus picked up his coffee mug and took a sip.

“Are you mad at me now?” Sirius asked, leaning closer to kiss Remus on the cheek.

“Yes,” Remus grumbled and put his hand flat on Sirius’ face to push him back before he could kiss him.

“Really?”

For a few seconds, Remus didn’t answer. “No,” he said then. “But I still think you’re an idiot.”

“I can live with that.” Sirius shrugged.

“Remus, dear, have you packed your things yet?” Mom asked Remus then. – As so often, she had just ignored Sirius and his inappropriate jokes.

Remus shook his head. “Not yet.”

“Just don’t forget that we’re gonna drive off at five. And it’s already eleven.”

“Don’t pack and just stay here,” Sirius suggested.

“Good idea.” Remus smiled lightly at him and bent closer to press a quick kiss on his lips.

 

It unbelievable and cruel how fast time passed when you dreaded every second of it. The afternoon passed in a heartbeat and then it was already time to drive Remus to the airport. For once, James didn’t have to put up a fight for riding shotgun, because Sirius rather sat in the back with Remus.

Just like when they had picked Remus up from the airport, they didn’t talk during the car ride. Instead, they just sat there, leaning against each other and their fingers laced together.

When they arrived at the airport, Lily was already there. They went to drop off Remus’ luggage and then went with him as far as they could before he would have to go through security.

Remus turned around to say goodbye to Sirius, but then he just shook his head. “I can’t do this.”

Sirius clenched his jaw when he saw tears glistening in Remus’ eyes, knowing that his looked the same.

“Hey.” James stepped forward and pulled Remus in a hug. “Take care of yourself, okay?” he said then and smiled encouragingly at him. “I’m gonna miss you.”

“Thank you, James.” Remus hugged him again. “I’m gonna miss you too.”

When Remus turned to say goodbye to Mom, James patted Sirius’ shoulder. “You’re gonna cry, aren’t you?” he asked, a smug grin on his face.

Sirius groaned. “I’m definitely gonna cry.”

“It’s gonna be fine.” Lily smiled at him. “He told me he’s gonna come visit you again in fall. It’s not long until then, right?”

“Well, yeah… but still.” Sirius sighed and looked at Remus.

“Take care of yourself, okay, dear?” Mom was just saying to him. “And come visit again soon!”

“I will. Thank you, Mrs. Potter.”

“No problem. And don’t forget to let us know when you land, okay?”

“I won’t.” Remus smiled and nodded, before he turned back to Sirius.

“See? I told you yesterday this was gonna be like a stupid movie.” Sirius forced himself to a smile.

Remus groaned and wrapped his arms around Sirius’ waist, hugging him tightly. “This is stupid.”

“I know.” Sirius pressed a kiss on Remus’ temple. “But we can do this, okay?”

Remus shook his head unwillingly, but then forced himself to a crooked smile. “I love you, okay?”

“I love you, too.” Sirius kissed him softly. “And look, by the time you land, you’re gonna have so many messages from me on your phone, you’re already gonna hate me and you won’t miss me one bit until you come back here.”

“You promise?” Remus asked doubtingly.

“I promise.”

“Please don’t start crying now,” Remus said choked when he saw the tears welling up in Sirius’ eyes. “Because if you cry, I’m gonna cry too and I don’t want to, because we’re being totally dramatic.”

“Oh, so _now_ you agree,” James scoffed.

“Shut up, James,” Lily said and boxed him in the shoulder, before Remus or Sirius could reply anything. “And Remus…” She looked apologetic. “I know this right now is difficult for you, but we really should get going.”

“Okay,” Remus whispered and nodded curtly. “Don’t get drunk and fall off the tree while I’m gone, okay?” he said then to Sirius.

“Okay. Don’t run into Neil Patrick Harris again without me.”

“Deal.” He looked at James. “You have to take care of him, yeah?”

“Sure, pal. I will.”

Remus groaned and scrunched his nose. “I’m just gonna go now,” he said then, seeming determined to not get any more emotional. He kissed Sirius once more and then Lily briefly said goodbye to them too, before they turned around and left.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote so much today and I just HAD to share the terrible jokes in this one with the world so here you go

_August 5 th _

**_(1:45pm) Okay you’re gone so I’m allowed to cry now, right?_ **

**_(1:45pm) If the answer to this is no, then I’m sorry, but it’s too late_ **

**_~_ **

**_(2:45pm) Mum’s gonna drop me and James off at the movies, because apparently I’m already being annoying and they want me to be occupied as much as possible until your plane lands_ **

**_(2:45pm) I mean they didn’t exactly say ‘annoying’ but that’s what they meant_ **

**_(2:45pm) Anyways, it’s better than sitting around at home and waiting for hours until you land_ **

**_(2:47pm) We’re there now, so I’ll text you later_ **

**_~_ **

**_(5:32pm) Remus I have to thank you_ **

**_(5:32pm) Apparently my sadness is a good enough reason to allow me to choose the movie_ **

**_(5:32pm) Even if said movie is Magic Mike XXL_ **

**_(5:33pm) I mean, I don’t know about you, but some dancing Channing Tatum always lifts my mood_ **

**_(5:33pm) Of course it would be even better if you could share this moment with me (at least through texts)_ **

**_(5:33pm) But I mean it’s a start_ **

**_~_ **

**_(6:07pm) I’m back home now and it’s really boring without you_ **

**_(6:07pm) Can your plane land soon please? If I can’t see you, I at least want to talk to you_ **

**_(6:08pm) James says he misses you too because I’m annoying him_ **

**_(6:07pm) He says to add that he would also miss you if I wasn’t annoying him_ **

**_~_ **

**_(6:42pm) What the fuck did I do with my life before I knew you?_ **

**_(6:42pm) How much longer until your plane lands?_ **

**_(6:42pm) Like six hours, I think_ **

**_(6:42pm) That’s too long_ **

**_~_ **

**_(7:12pm) Alright it’s past midnight here, so I guess I’m gonna go to sleep until you land_ **

**_(7:12pm) Text me, okay?_ **

**_(7:12pm) Love you_ **

****

_August 6 th _

_(1:20am) I landed safely in New York! We had a delay, but we finally arrived! Tell your mom, okay? I’m gonna read your messages now_

_(1:24am) I’m glad you had a good time at the movies_

_(1:24am) Tell James I miss him too_

_(1:24am) Hope you’re sleeping well_

**_(1:25am) REMUS!!!_ **

_(1:25am) … I woke you up, didn’t I?_

**_(1:25am) I turned my phone on the highest volume so I would wake up when you text me_ **

**_(1:25am) It did take a couple of messages until I realized the sound wasn’t part of my dream, but oh well, it worked_ **

_(1:25am) You should be sleeping_

**_(1:25am) Shhh_ **

**_(1:25am) How was your flight?_ **

_(1:26am) It was okay. We had a delay, so it was even longer than it would have been normally, but at least I had Lily with me_

**_(1:26am) Is she at your place now?_ **

_(1:26am) No, she went home. After all, she hasn’t seen her parents in months. But she’s gonna come over tomorrow_

**_(1:26am) That’s nice_ **

_(1:26am) Yeah. I’m really looking forward to it._

_(1:26am) But listen, I’m really exhausted from the flight and all, so I’m gonna go to sleep now, okay? And you go back to sleep too!_

**_(1:27am) Alright then. We’ll talk again later, yeah?_ **

_(1:27am) Of course. Sleep well xxx_

**_(1:27am) You too xxx_ **

_~_

**_(5:16am) It’s no fun waking up when you’re not next to me and I also know that you’re not gonna be downstairs on the couch reading, or outside smoking_ **

**_(5:16am) Ugh_ **

**_(5:16am) You have ruined me, Remus Lupin._ **

_~_

_(8:25am) Sorry for ruining you, but just for the record, I feel the same_

**_(8:26am) Ugh_ **

_(8:26am) Ugh_

_(8:26am) How’s your day going?_

**_(8:27am) It’s okay. Peter is coming over later because James told him that I’m unbearable_ **

_(8:27am) What are you doing?_

**_(8:27am) I don’t know, I mean it’s definitely not talking about you all the time_ **

_(8:27am) You’re an idiot. There’s not even that much to tell about me_

**_(8:28am) Believe me, there is_ **

_(8:28am) Alright then_

_(8:28am) I’m gonna go take a shower now, talk to you later_

**_(8:29am) Okay, have fun_ **

_(8:29am) … yes… I’m definitely… gonna have so much… fun… in the shower…_

**_(8:29am) Oh, there are a lot of ways to have fun in a shower_ **

**_(8:29am) Lots of possibilities with a  shower head_ ** **_( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_ **

_(8:29am) Oh my god_

_(8:30am) Bye_

**_(8:31am) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_ **

**_~_ **

**_(9:24am) By the way, I noticed that my Deep Purple shirt is suddenly missing_ **

_(9:24am) So is my brown sweater_

**_(9:24am) Touché_ **

**_~_ **

_(11:04am) Lily says hi to you and James_

**_(11:05am) Tell her hi back!_ **

**_(11:05am) Hope you guys are having a nice time_ **

_(11:05am) We are, thank you._

**_(11:06am) Are your parents around?_ **

_(11:06am) Not yet, but they’ll be back tonight_

**_(11:06am) Are you looking forward to seeing them again?_ **

_(11:06am) Definitely. I’ve missed them a lot_

**_(11:06am) Yeah, that’s understandable_ **

**_(11:06am) So what are yours and Lily’s plans for today?_ **

_(11:07am) No idea. We’re probably just gonna stay here and watch Netflix and order takeout. We’re both still really tired from traveling_

**_(11:07am) Put on a boring movie and try to get some more sleep_ **

_(11:08am) Sounds like a good plan_

**_(11:08am) Alright then, don’t wanna keep you from sleeping. Also Peter is here now. Talk to you later, okay?_ **

_(11:08am) Sure. Have fun with James and Peter!_

**_(11:08am) Thanks. You have fun with Lily_ **

_(11:09am) Thank you_

_~_

_(4:36pm) I just woke up from a nap, what year is it?_

**_(4:36pm) 1872_ **

_(4:36pm) Shit I napped backwards in time_

_(4:36pm) How are we texting if we’re not even born yet and if cellphones haven’t been invented?_

**_(4:36pm) What do you mean not born yet? I was born 1702_ **

_(4:36pm) Damn_

_(4:36pm) Lucky for you, I have a thing for older men_

**_(4:37pm) Even men that are 295 years older than you?_ **

_(4:37pm) ESPECIALLY men that are 295 years older than me_

_(4:37pm) Like damn, alone the number gets me going_

**_(4:37pm) Oh my god_ **

**_(4:38pm) I can’t_ **

_(4:38pm) Are you making fun of me and my preferences? :(_

_(4:38pm) I’m gonna find myself another man_

**_(4:38pm) Oh yeah, sure, loads of 313 year olds out there_ **

_(4:38pm) If I don’t find one, I’m gonna dig one up_

**_(4:39pm) Oh my god_ **

**_(4:39pm) So you’re into older men AND you’re necrophile?_ **

_(4:39pm) Hey, don’t judge me, you’re the one that wants to be peed on_

**_(4:39pm) So you’re saying being into water sports is weirder than necrophilia?_ **

_(4:39pm) Yes_

**_(4:39pm) Moony, when do you have therapy the next time?_ **

_(4:39pm) … tomorrow_

**_(4:39pm) Good. Cause you really need it_ **

_(4:40pm) I know you can’t see it, but I’m flipping you off right now_

**_(4:40pm) Rude_ **

_(4:41pm) You know, if I would go and dig myself a man up, he would never treat me like that_

**_(4:41pm) Well yeah, but there probably wouldn’t be much left of him_ **

**_(4:41pm) Like how are you gonna have sex?_ **

**_(4:41pm) Are you just gonna rub all the dust and dirt that he has turned into all over your body?_ **

_(4:42pm) Exactly_

**_(4:42pm) Oh my god_ **

**_(4:42pm) That’s it, I’m done_ **

**_(4:42pm) Bye_ **

_(4:42pm) Rude_

**_(4:42pm) THAT’S MY LINE_ **

_(4:42pm) I thought you were leaving_

**_(4:42pm) BYE_ **

_(4:42pm) Goodbye my lovely little drama queen_

**_(4:42pm) DON’T CALL ME THAT_ **

_(4:42pm) Alright, bye daddy_

**_(4:43pm) I hate you_ **

****

_August 7 th _

**_(2:06am) James woke me up at SIX FUCKING AM because HE couldn’t sleep anymore and now I’M awake and can’t fall back asleep and HE’S SNORING JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I’m going to fucking murder this bastard oh MY GOD_ **

**_(2:06am) Do you know that trick where you put a sleeping person’s hand in warm water so they pee themselves? I’m gonna do that_ **

**_~_ **

**_(2:16am) He woke up and threw the bowl with the water after me_ **

**_(2:16am) Now my bed is wet :(_ **

**_~_ **

_(9:03am) Why do you do this to me? Laughing this hard right after waking up isn’t good for me_

**_(9:05am) You’re LAUGHING?!_ **

**_(9:05am) HALF MY MATTRESS WAS WET AND MY BLANKET TOO_ **

**_(9:05am) AND YOU LAUGH ABOUT MY PAIN AND SUFFERING_ **

_(9:05am) Oh my god stop_

_(9:05am) My stomach hurts_

**_(9:05am) I hate you_ **

_(9:06am) Aw_

**_(9:06am) You’re a twisted person_ **

**_(9:06am) How can you laugh when I get treated so badly here :(_ **

_(9:06am) I don’t know, but I have therapy at ten and I’ll tell my therapist that there is something seriously wrong with me, okay?_

**_(9:07am) Good._ **

**_(9:07pm) You need to be fixed_ **

_(9:07pm) I know_

_(9:07pm) Maybe they’ll lock me up_

_(9:07am) Straitjacket and rubber room and all that_

**_(9:08am) Oh my god_ **

**_(9:08am) Like in that one episode of Spongebob where the whole rubber room is Spongebob_ **

_(9:08am) What the fuck_

**_(9:09am) Don’t you watch Spongebob?!_ **

_(9:09am) I haven’t watched it in years_

**_(9:09am) SHAME ON YOU_ **

_(9:09am) Sorry, but I rather spend my free time watching good shows_

**_(9:09am) HOW DARE YOU_ **

**_(9:10am) SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS IS THE BACKBONE OF THIS WORLD_ **

**_(9:10am) WHAT WOULD WE DO WITHOUT HIM_ **

_(9:10am) it’s… a talking sponge… that lives… in a pineapple_

**_(9:10am) WHO LIVES IN A PIINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA_ **

**_(9:10am) SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS_ **

_(9:10am) Oh my god_

**_(9:10am) ABSORBANT AND YELLOW AND POROUS IS HE_ **

**_(9:10am) SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS_ **

**_(9:11am) IF NAUTICAL NONSENSE BE SOMETHING YOU WISH_ **

**_(9:11am) THEN DROP ON THE DECK AND FLOP LIKE A FISH_ **

**_(9:11am) SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS_ **

_(9:11am) I’m done with you_

_(9:11am) Never text me again_

**_(9:12am) WHEN BIG LARRY CAME ROUND JUST TO PUT HIM DOWN_ **

**_(9:12am) SPONGEBOB TURNED INTO A CLOWN_ **

**_(9:12am) AND NO GIRL EVER WANTS TO DANCE_ **

**_(9:12am) WITH A FOOL WHO WENT AND RIPPED HIS PANTS_ **

_(9:13am) What the fuck_

_(9:13am) Stop_

_(9:13am) I’m gonna block your number_

**_(9:13am) NO_ **

_(9:13am) Then stop sending me this weird stuff_

**_(9:13am) But Spongebob :(_ **

_(9:14am) You just ruined EVERY chance of me ever watching this again_

**_(9:14am) Next time you come here, we make a Spongebob marathon_ **

_(9:14am) Alright, so it’s settled then, I’m never coming to England again_

**_(9:14am) Rude :(_ **

**_(9:14am) Spongebob is great_ **

**_(9:14am) Give it a chance_ **

_(9:14am) No_

**_(9:15am) Why not?_ **

_(9:15am) Because you annoyed me so I can’t let you win this one_

**_(9:15am) What if I promise that I’m not gonna gloat over it?_ **

_(9:15am) The answer is still no_

**_(9:16am) For now_ **

_(9:16am) For ever_

**_(9:16am) We’ll see about that_ **

_(9:16am) Ugh_

_~_

_(11:26am) Telling my therapist I stayed at your place was a big mistake_

**_(11:26am) Why?_ **

_(11:26am) Because it went from me telling her that straight to her asking me if we had a sexual relationship, followed by thousands of other questions about my sex life_

_(11:26am) Or actually more like the lack thereof_

**_(11:26am) Oh_ **

_(11:26am) But seriously though_

_(11:26am) She knows about you, cause I’ve mentioned you before and since usually the only person apart from my parents I ever talk about is Lily, she of course wanted to know who you are and stuff so I told her about us texting and stuff_

_(11:26am) She also knew that I was meeting you in England (didn’t tell her that I would stay at your place though, because I was scared she would tell my parents)_

_(11:27am) Now I told her though, because of what happened Saturday night_

_(11:27am) And like, we did talk about that but then she kept asking me about what there is between me and you and kept asking me about the physical part of it and ugh_

_(11:27am) I don’t like talking about this stuff with her_

_(11:28am) I mean I know it’s kinda important because of my history and stuff, but still_

_(11:28am) It’s awkward_

**_(11:28am) Yeah, I get that_ **

**_(11:28am) But you made it through, yay_ **

_(11:28am) She wants me to tell my parents about you though_

_(11:28am) I mean I was planning on doing it anyway, but she wants me to tell them before I see her the next time, which is in three days_

**_(11:29am) Oh_ **

**_(11:29am) Do you think they will react badly?_ **

_(11:29am) I don’t know_

_(11:29am) I mean they’re definitely not gonna be thrilled that I lied to them_

**_(11:29am) They won’t forbid you to stay in contact with me though, will they?_ **

_(11:30am) I don’t know_

_(11:30am) Not that it matters_

_(11:30am) I mean, they can try_

_(11:30am) But that wouldn’t stop me_

**_(11:30am) Good_ **

**_(11:30am) Cause I would go mad if I couldn’t talk to you anymore_ **

_(11:30am) Me too_

**_(11:31am) Are they around now? They came back yesterday, right?_ **

_(11:31am) Yeah, they’re here_

_(11:31am) We’re going out for lunch later, so I’m probably gonna tell them there_

**_(11:31am) Oh okay_ **

**_(11:31am) Good luck_ **

_(11:31am) Thank you_

_~_

_(2:16pm) Ugh that was worse than therapy_

_(2:16pm) “Do you like him?” Yes, Momma, I like him a lot_

_(2:16pm) “Is he your boyfriend?” No, Momma, I told you, we didn’t want something serious yet_

_(2:16pm) “What if he had been a pervert?” Lily was with me, Dad (tiny lie, forgive me)_

_(2:16pm) “What if he had hurt you?” But he didn’t, Dad_

_(2:16pm) “Why didn’t you tell us about him?” BECAUSE I DIDN’T KNOW HOW_

_(2:17pm) You probably think this is not so bad, but I had already answered all of these questions when I told them_

_(2:17pm) And they KEPT AND KEPT ASKING_

_(2:17pm) At least five variations of ‘is he your boyfriend’_

_(2:17pm) And once Dad was over the whole pervert thing, he asked me if we had remembered to use protection_

_(2:18pm) GODDAMMIT DAD THE ONLY PROTECTION I NEED IS ONE THAT STOPS YOUR QUESTIONS_

_~_

**_(2:48pm) Oh my god_ **

**_(2:48pm) I’m sorry you had to endure that_ **

**_(2:48pm) If it makes you feel better, my mum jumped straight past asking and just got me condoms_ **

**_(2:49pm) James laughed so hard he cried_ **

_(2:49pm) Nooooo_

_(2:49pm) Tell me this isn’t true_

_(2:49pm) This is so embarrassing, oh my god_

**_(2:49pm) That’s why I didn’t tell you before_ **

**_(2:49pm) I didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable_ **

**_(2:49pm) But it’s really no big deal, okay?_ **

**_(2:49pm) Don’t worry about it_ **

_(2:49pm) This is even worse than your blowjob joke_

_(2:50pm) I bet everything that no one believed me it was a joke_

_(2:50pm) This is humiliating_

**_(2:50pm) Nooo_ **

**_(2:50pm) Please don’t feel that way_ **

**_(2:50pm) I’m sorry I made that joke okay?_ **

**_(2:50pm) But I swear, they knew I was just making a pun for the sake of it_ **

_(2:51pm) Ugghhhhhhhhhhh_

**_(2:51pm) I’m sorry okay?_ **

_(2:51pm) You don’t have to be sorry_

_(2:51pm) But I have a question_

**_(2:51pm) Shoot_ **

_(2:52pm) It’s just that everyone asking me – and you – about that and expecting this has made me wonder… Did you… expect that too? I mean should I have slept with you?_

**_(2:52pm) Of course not, Remus. I didn’t expect anything like that from you._ **

_(2:52pm) Are you sure? You’re not mad about that or anything?_

**_(2:52pm) Remus, please_ **

**_(2:52pm) You don’t owe anyone this kind of stuff. Ever. Okay? And even if someone would ‘expect’ that from you, if YOU don’t want that, you don’t have to_ **

**_(2:52pm) And if they get mad at you, they’re an asshole and don’t deserve you anyway_ **

_(2:52pm) Okay_

**_(2:53pm) This is important, Remus. It’s like what happened Sunday night. Forcing yourself to something like this is not the right way. Just wait until you’re ready_ **

_(2:53pm) But what if I’m never ready?_

**_(2:53pm) Would that be so bad?_ **

_(2:53pm) Your answer to this question is more important than mine_

**_(2:53pm) My answer? Remus, this is about you, not me_ **

_(2:54pm) But I mean… What if we really are in a serious relationship one day and I’m just never ready for this?_

**_(2:54pm) Then we won’t have sex_ **

_(2:54pm) But I couldn’t expect that from you_

**_(2:54pm) Remus what in god’s name are you talking about_ **

**_(2:54pm) Sex is not essential to a relationship_ **

**_(2:54pm) I know I talk about it a lot, but it’s mainly jokes and it’s really not that important to me_ **

**_(2:54pm) It’s a great addition to a relationship, if both partners feel that way, but nothing more_ **

**_(2:54pm) It’s not that important okay?_ **

**_(2:55pm) If you want it and feel ready for it, good. If not, good too._ **

**_(2:55pm) As long as you do what feels right for you, okay?_ **

_(2:55pm) Are you sure?_

**_(2:55pm) Absolutely_ **

_(2:55pm) Okay_

**_(2:56pm) So, anyways, your parents weren’t mad at you or anything?_ **

_(2:56pm) Not really_

_(2:56pm) They just lectured me about everything that could have gone wrong_

_(2:56pm) But it’s alright now_

**_(2:56pm) Good_ **

**_(2:56pm) Did you tell them that you want to come over again?_ **

_(2:56pm) Yeah_

_(2:56pm) They even asked if you and me were planning on meeting again_

_(2:56pm) So I told them that I’d like to fly over again in fall_

**_(2:56pm) What did they say?_ **

_(2:56pm) They said they’re gonna think about it_

_(2:56pm) I’m pretty sure it won’t be a problem though_

**_(2:57pm) Okay_ **

**_(2:57pm) And if everything else fails, I’m gonna rob a bank so I have enough money to fly to New York_ **

_(2:57pm) Perfect_

_~_

**_(5:03pm) I FUCKING HATE JAMES_ **

**_(5:03pm) I WILL MURDER THIS FUCKING BASTARD AND FEED HIM HIS OWN INTESTINES_ **

_(5:04pm) Jesus Christ_

_(5:04pm) What happened?_

**_(5:04pm) THIS FUCKING ASSHOLE PUT GLITTER IN MY SHAMPOO AND CONDITIONER AND SHOWER GEL_ **

**_(5:04pm) I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING DISCO BALL_ **

_(5:04pm) Calm down_

_(5:05pm) We don’t want any panic at the disco_

**_(5:05pm) SHUT THE FUCK UP_ **

**_(5:05pm) THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR PUNS_ **

_(5:05pm) Damn, and that’s coming from you?_

**_(5:06pm) THERE IS GLITTER IN MY HAIR THERE IS GLITTER ON MY FACE THERE IS GLITTER IN MY EYEBROWS THERE IS GLITTER ON MY FUCKING BALLS IT’S NOT FUNNY_ **

_(5:07pm) Then why am I pissing myself with laughter?_

**_(5:07pm) GODDAMMIT_ **

_August 8 th _

_(7:34am) Good morning my precious glitter fairy, how are we feeling today?_

**_(7:34am) Shut the fuck up_ **

_(7:34am) Aw_

_(7:34am) Are we a little grumpy today?_

**_(7:35am) Go text James_ **

_(7:35am) Why would I do that?_

**_(7:35am) Cuz you’re both fucking assholes_ **

_(7:35am) Oh come on, what did I do to you?_

**_(7:36am) YOU MADE A PUN_ **

_(7:36am) You ALWAYS make puns_

**_(7:36am) Not when you’re in dire straits_ **

_(7:36am) I don’t think some glitter counts as dire straits_

**_(7:36am) IT’S IN MY EYEBROWS_ **

_(7:36am) Wash it off_

**_(7:37am) NO FUCKING SHIT_ **

**_(7:37am) WHAT DO YOU THINK I’VE BEEN TRYING TO DO ALL MORNING_ **

**_(7:37am) IT’S EVERYWHERE AND IT WON’T GO AWAY_ **

_(7:37am) You poor soul_

**_(7:38am) I will come to your fucking house while you sleep and put glitter in all your stuff and then we’ll see if you’re still sarcastic_ **

_(7:38am) Alright, do that. I’ll put a key under the doormat_

_~_

**_(9:16am) If I get called Edward one more time I’M GONNA FUCKING KILL SOMEONE_ **

_(9:16am) Edward?_

**_(9:16am) From Twilight_ **

_(9:16am) WHY DID I NOT THINK OF THAT INSTEAD OF GLITTER FAIRY THIS IS FUCKING GENIUS_

**_(9:16am) Fuck you_ **

**_(9:16am) Edward sucks_ **

**_(9:16am) I’m totally Team Jacob_ **

_(9:16am) I mean you can still like Jacob more than Edward, but if you ARE Edward instead of Jacob you can leave Bella and fuck Jacob_

**_(9:16am) Damn, that’s a good idea_ **

**_(9:17am) BUT FOR REAL I HATE MY FRIENDS LIKE CAN THEY AT LEAST STOP THROWING GARLIC AT ME_ **

_(9:17am) Are you telling me your friends are carrying garlic around just so they can throw it at you?_

**_(9:17am) Yes_ **

_(9:18am) Please tell them that I love them_

**_(9:18am) Fuck you_ **

**_(9:18am) Also it doesn’t even make sense because the vampires in Twilight weren’t even affected by this shit_ **

_(9:18am) Why do you know so much about Twilight?_

**_(9:18am) Two words: Quileute werewolves. I want to fuck my way through that whole pack_ **

_(9:18am) Jesus Christ_

_(9:18am) Have fun with that_

**_(9:18am) Thank you_ **

**_(9:18am) I have to go beat my friends up with garlic now_ **

**_(9:18am) Talk to you later_ **

_(9:18am) Alright, bye_

_~_

**_(2:34pm) Moooooooooony_ **

_(2:34pm) Paaaaaaaadfoot_

**_(2:34pm) Entertain me_ **

_(2:34pm) With what?_

**_(2:34pm) I don’t know, just something. My family went out to dinner and I’m home alone and bored_ **

_(2:34pm) Why didn’t you go with them?_

**_(2:34pm) Hello??? A head full of glitter???? A public place with light???? Not a good combination_ **

_(2:35pm) I’m sure it’s not half as bad as you act_

**_(2:35pm) Yes it IS_ **

**_(2:35pm) Now please entertain me_ **

_(2:35pm) I’m not very entertaining. Why don’t you watch a movie?_

**_(2:35pm) If with ‘movie’ you mean porn then I already did that_ **

_(2:36pm) I did not mean that and I also don’t know why you would tell me that_

**_(2:36pm) You know that filter that most people have? The one between their brain and their mouth? Yeah, I don’t have that_ **

_(2:36pm) That explains a lot_

**_(2:36pm) I know_ **

**_(2:36pm) Now please entertain me_ **

_(2:37pm) I told you I’m not very entertaining_

**_(2:37pm) But Mooooooooony_ **

**_(2:37pm) I’m bored_ **

_(2:37pm) Go press the bored button_

**_(2:37pm) What_ **

_(2:38pm)<http://www.boredbutton.com/>_

**_(2:39pm) IT BROUGHT ME TO A PAGE FULL OF ANTI-JOKES I LOVE THIS BUTTON_ **

_(2:40pm) Oh no_

_(2:40pm) THAT’S NOT WHAT I WANTED_

_(2:40pm) ABORT_

**_(2:41pm) The last thing my father said before he kicked the bucket_ **

**_(2:41pm) I wonder how far this bucket will go when I kick it_ **

_(2:42pm) No_

**_(2:44pm) OHHHH I FOUND A GREAT ONE_ **

**_(2:44pm) Knock knock_ **

_(2:44pm) No_

**_(2:44pm) Kock knock_ **

_(2:44pm) No_

**_(2:44pm) Moony I will not give up until I told you this joke so just play along_ **

**_(2:44pm) Knock knock_ **

_(2:44pm) Goddammit_

_(2:44pm) Fine_

_(2:44pm) Who’s there?_

**_(2:44pm) Dave_ **

_(2:45pm) Dave who?_

**_(2:45pm) Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother’s Alzheimer’s has progressed into the point where she can no longer remember him_ **

_(2:45pm) Jesus fucking Christ_

_(2:45pm) No_

**_(2:48pm) HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY_ **

_(2:48pm) Please no_

**_(2:48pm) Your friend is SO GAY, he has consensual sex with other men and enjoys it_ **

_(2:48pm) I didn’t think I would ever say this, but can you please bring the puns back? Those anti-jokes are even worse_

**_(2:49pm) What is long and hard and has cum in it?_ **

_(2:49pm) My dick_

**_(2:49pm) Same_ **

**_(2:49pm) But I was talking about cucumbers_ **

_(2:49pm) Alright I have one too_

_(2:49pm) What goes up, lets out a load and goes down again?_

**_(2:49pm) I’m not saying anything, cause I know it’s gonna be wrong_ **

_(2:49pm) An elevator_

**_(2:49pm) Alright, that was enough proof of how dirty minded we are for one day_ **

**_(2:49pm) I’m gonna go take a shower now and hope I will be glitter free afterwards_ **

_(2:49pm) Good luck with that_

**_(2:50pm) Thank you_ **

**_~_ **

**_(3:36pm) Ugh you know, I’m kinda like ‘I can’t believe it’s already been three days since Remus left’ but also ‘I can’t believe it’s ONLY been three days since he left’_ **

_(3:37pm) I get what you mean_

_(3:37pm) Like it feels like I’ve just been at your place when actually already three days have passed, but also it’s ONLY been three days because it’s still a long time until we see us again_

**_(3:37pm) Exactly!_ **

**_(3:37pm) Why can’t it be October already? I miss you so much!_ **

_(3:37pm) I miss you too!_

_(3:38pm) I don’t know how I’m supposed to survive eleven weeks before I see you again_

**_(3:38pm) I don’t know either_ **

**_(3:38pm) But we’ll figure it out together, okay? I love you_ **

_(3:38pm) I love you too_


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I included a fact about my own country for y'all ok sue me

_August 28 th _

**_(9:47pm) Fucking shit_ **

**_(9:47pm) How is it almost three am?!_ **

**_(9:47pm) School starts again in two days I’m gonna cry_ **

_(9:47pm) Go to sleep instead_

**_(9:47pm) BUT I’M WIDE AWAKE_ **

**_(9:47pm) My sleeping schedule is so fucked_ **

_(9:47pm) Then stay up all night and all of tomorrow and then go to sleep early tomorrow and get up early on Sunday so you will be tired on Sunday night and able to sleep_

**_(9:48pm) You know I’m pretty sure that would work, but we both know that I’m not gonna do that_ **

_(9:48pm) Then I don’t know how to help you_

**_(9:48pm) Just feel sorry for me_ **

_(9:48pm) Okay_

**_(9:48pm) Thank you_ **

**_(9:48pm) How was your day though? You had career counselling today, right?_ **

_(9:49pm) It was alright. I sent out some applications with my career counselor today_

**_(9:49pm) Oh, really? What kind of jobs?_ **

_(9:49pm) Nothing exciting. Basically the same kind of jobs a High School student would do, since I’m not capable of doing more than like three days a week at the moment_

_(9:49pm) There’s one that’s in an accounting firm and I kinda hope I will get that one, cause the other ones are in like grocery stores or something and there would be so many people all the time_

**_(9:49pm) Good luck with that! I’m sure you’ll get it_ **

**_(9:49pm) Are you looking forward to starting to work somewhere?_ **

_(9:50pm) Kind of, yeah. It just sucks that I’m gonna be misgendered the whole time_

**_(9:50pm) Why that?_ **

_(9:51pm) Well, I haven’t legally changed my name or anything and when I asked my career counselor if I could still manage this somehow that they would call me Remus he started talking about how this would be a huge effort and confused me with all the stuff he was talking about, so I dropped the subject. I don’t know if it’s really that complicated or if he just didn’t care, but anyway, the applications are out with my birthname now_

**_(9:51pm) I’m sorry about that_ **

**_(9:51pm) But maybe once you work there, you can tell your boss_ **

_(9:51pm) Maybe_

**_(9:52pm) And apart from the whole job thing, how are you doing?_ **

_(9:52pm) I’m okay. I’m just really tired, even though I’ve been able to get like 8 or 9 hours of sleep every night. I might start with anti-depressants soon_

**_(9:52pm) Don’t you already take those?_ **

_(9:52pm) No, I only had medication to help me sleep and some for my anxiety (I didn’t take those regularly though, but only when I was in a situation where I needed them)_

**_(9:53pm) Oh, okay. Sorry, I got that confused_ **

_(9:53pm) No reason to apologize_

**_(9:53pm) How do you feel about getting anti-depressants though?_ **

_(9:54pm) I’m alright with that. I mean I’m sure they will help me, and my mood swings have been worse again lately, and I’m tired and have zero energy all the time, so yeah…_

**_(9:54pm) I’m sure the medicament will help you!! I hope you feel better soon_ **

_(9:55pm) Thank you_

**_(9:55pm) And you know that I’m always here if you need to talk, yeah? And James too_ **

_(9:55pm) Thank you both_

_August 29th_

**_(2:16am) I'm going to cry_ **

**_(2:16am) It's past 7am and only now I'm starting to get tired_ **

**_(2:16am) Ughhh_ ** **_  
_ ** _~_

_(8:31am) Did you fall asleep?_ _  
_ _~_

_(9:14am) I'm taking that as a yes_ _  
_ _~_

**_(1:07pm) It's fucking 4pm and I just woke up_ **

**_(1:07pm) Ahhhhhhhh_ **

**_(1:08pm) Also James went to Peter's place and he didn't even wake me up and ask if I wanted to go_ **

**_(1:08pm) What a dick_ **

_(1:08pm) Aww_

**_(1:08pm) You better not be sarcastic_ **

_(1:08pm) Me? Sarcastic? Never._

**_(1:09pm) I hate you_ **

_(1:09pm) Why, thank you, my precious glitter fairy, I love you too_

**_(1:10pm) STOP CALLING ME THAT_ **

**_(1:10pm) THE GLITTER IS GONE_ **

_(1:11pm) Puh-lease_

_(1:11pm) Your personality is pure glitter_

**_(1:11pm) NO_ **

**_(1:11pm) My personality is black and leather and metal_ **

_(1:12pm) You're cute when you're trying to be hardcore_

**_(1:12pm) TRYING??????_ **

**_(1:12pm) Excuse you but I am the definition of hardcore_ **

_(1:12pm) Awwwwww_

**_(1:12pm) DON'T 'AWW' ME_ **

_(1:12pm) I wanna pinch your cheeks and ruffle your hair_

**_(1:13pm) SHUT UP_ **

_(1:13pm) So adorable_

**_(1:13pm) I hate you_ **

_(1:13pm) Awww_

**_(1:13pm) I'm done talking to you_ **

**_(1:13pm) bye_ **

_(1:13pm) Goodbye my precious little puppy_ _  
_ _~_

**_(3:08pm) Can I come back now or are you still being mean?_ **

_(3:08pm) I never intended to be mean_

_(3:08pm) I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, my little munchkin_

**_(3:08pm) Oh MY GOD_ **

**_(3:08pm) BYE_ **

_(3:08pm) Aw :(_ _  
_ _~_

**_(5:47pm) GUSES WHOS DRUKN_ **

_(5:48pm) Judging by your spelling, I'm sure it's you_

**_(5:48pm) MY SPLELIGN IS PERFETC SHUT UP_ **

_(5:48pm) Of course_

_(5:48pm) I'm sorry I insulted your splelign_

**_(5:49pm) rhank u_ **

_(5:49pm) Shouldn't you be trying to fix your sleeping schedule instead of drinking?_

**_(5:49pm) I cna sleep whne im dead_ **

_(5:49pm) But you could also sleep while you're alive_

_(5:49pm) Sleeping is great_

**_(5:49pm) LSEEP IS 4 TJE WEAK_ **

_(5:49pm) That might me true_

_(5:49pm) In that case, I'm very weak_

**_(5:50pm) I MISS U MOONY_ **

**_(5:50pm) AND PRNOGS MISSES U 2_ **

_(5:51pm) I miss you both too_

_(5:51pm) And Lily says hi_

**_(5:51pm) is hse wiht u_ **

**_(5:51pm) TELL HER HI_ **

_(5:51pm) Sirius... she's back in Brighton. You know that. I'm just texting with her_

_(5:51pm) But I told her_

**_(5:51pm) oh_ **

**_(5:51pm) but someone has to take care of u_ **

_(5:52pm) Don't worry about that, Sirius. I'm taken good care of_

**_(5:52pm) GOOD_ **

**_(5:52pm) CUZ I LOVE YOU A LTO RMEUS_ **

_(5:52pm) I love you too, Sirius_

**_(5:53pm) GOOD_ ** **_  
_ ** _~_

**_(7:32pm) HEY MOONY_ **

**_(7:32pm) ONLY SVEEN MORE WEEKS UNTLI MY ATUMN HOLIDAYS_ **

_(7:33pm) Yay!!_

**_(7:33pm) I miss u ok_ **

_(7:33pm) I miss you too_

_(7:33pm) But you should go to sleep now_

**_(7:33pm) bur i dont wantto_ **

_(7:33pm) Please_

_(7:33pm) For me?_

_(7:33pm) You need some sleep, Sirius. Tomorrow is the last day you can sleep in before school starts again, don't forget that_

**_(7:33pm) uGhGhghgh_ **

**_(7:33pm) but only for u_ **

_(7:34pm) Thank you_

_(7:34pm) Sleep well, yeah? I love you_

**_(7:34pm) i lvoe u too_ **

_August 30th_

_(8:49am) Morning Sirius_

**_(8:50am) Shhhh_ **

_(8:50am) Are you hungover?_

**_(8:50am) sO much_ **

_(8:50am) Aw no_

**_(8:51am) I have no energy for your sarcasm_ **

_(8:51am) That wasn't sarcasm_

_(8:51am) I really do feel sorry for you_

**_(8:52am) In that case, thank you_ **

**_(8:52am) Mum laughed at me and Dad 'accidentally' dropped three pots on the floor_ **

_(8:52am) Rude_

**_(8:52am) THANK YOU_ **

**_(8:52am) That's what I said_ **

**_(8:53am) I can't believe school starts again tomorrow_ **

**_(8:53am) I think I'm gonna cry_ **

_(8:54am) Noooo don't cry_

**_(8:54am) But I'm gonna have to get up early every day_ **

**_(8:54am) And there's gonna be HISTORY_ **

**_(8:54am) I don't like history_ **

_(8:54am) Come on, history's not that bad_

**_(8:54am) THEY'VE ALL BEEN DEAD FOR DECADES_ **

**_(8:55am) I DON'T CARE ABOUT THEM_ **

_(8:55am) But without those people, the world now wouldn't be as it was_

**_(8:55am) I still don't care about them_ **

_(8:55am) Well, then I don't know what to tell you_

**_(8:56am) It's okay_ **

**_(8:56am) I'm just gonna sleep through it again, like last year_ **

_(8:56am) Smart_

**_(8:57am) MY SARCASM DETECTOR JUST WENT OFF_ **

_(8:57am) Sarcasm detector_

_(8:57am) Really_

**_(8:57am) TONE DOWN THAT ATTITUDE YOUNG MAN_ **

_(8:58am) I'm like four months younger than you, don't call me that_

**_(8:58am) BE RESPECTFUL TO YOUR ELDERS_ **

_(8:59am) Of course. I respectfully apologize to you, my elderly glitter fairy_

**_(8:59am) AAAAAAAAAAAH_ **

**_(8:59am) Shut up_ **

_(8:59am) :(_ _  
_ _~_

**_(1:08pm) REMUS IT'S TIME TO PANIC_ **

_(1:08pm) *runs screaming in a circle with flailing arms*_

_(1:09pm) What are we panicking about?_

**_(1:09pm) It's already 4pm!!! Where has this day gone????_ **

**_(1:09pm) I'm not ready for school to start again_ **

_(1:09pm) It's only 4_

_(1:09pm) Calm down and enjoy your evening_

**_(1:09pm) I cAN'T_ **

**_(1:09pm) School is so close!!!_ **

**_(1:09pm) I'm already tired for the whole next week_ **

_(1:10pm) Then go to bed early today, so you will get a lot of sleep_

**_(1:10pm) But I don't want to sleep_ **

**_(1:10pm) I just want more free time_ **

_(1:10pm) Come to New York and hide at my place_

_(1:10pm) No one can force you to go to school if they don't know where you are_

**_(1:10pm) Good idea. I’m on my way_ **

_(1:11pm) Awesome_

_~_

**_(6:00pm) Moooooony_ **

**_(6:00pm) Read me a bedtime story_ **

_(6:01pm) There once was a teeny tiny glitter fairy…_

**_(6:01pm) I take it back, don’t read me one_ **

_(6:02pm) :(_

_(6:02pm) Rude_

**_(6:02pm) YOU’RE rude_ **

_(6:03pm) I just wanted to read you a bedtime story :(_

**_(6:03pm) I don’t wanna hear about the teeny tiny glitter fairy though_ **

**_(6:03pm) Tell me about the handsome dragon killer and the cute prince instead_ **

_(6:03pm) I don’t know that one though_

**_(6:04pm) Fine then I’ll tell you_ **

**_(6:04pm) There once was a kingdom that was in terrible fear because it was threatened by a ferocious dragon_ **

**_(6:05pm) The king sent out for the strongest men and promised that whoever killed the beast may marry his son, the cute prince_ **

**_(6:05pm) Many knights tried and failed. The beast was just too mighty_ **

**_(6:05pm) Then, one day, a young, stunning man came to try his luck_ **

**_(6:05pm) Nobody believed in him, for he was merely the son of a poor blacksmith_ **

**_(6:05pm) But, lo and behold, the ravishing young lad killed the ferocious beast_ **

**_(6:06pm) And so, he married the cute prince and they lived happily ever after_ **

**_(6:06pm) The End_ **

**_(6:06pm) Did you like it?_ **

_(6:06pm) I loved it_

**_(6:06pm) Yay_ **

_(6:07pm) Alright then_

_(6:07pm) Goodnight Sirius_

_(6:07pm) Have a good first day tomorrow_

_(6:07pm) I love you_

**_(6:07pm) Thank you_ **

**_(6:07pm) I love you too_ **

****

_August 31 st _

**_(2:08am) I'm going to cry_ **

**_(2:08am) It's so early_ **

**_(2:08am) Why does this time even exist?_ **

**_(2:08am) And how is it legal to force us to get up this early?_ **

**_(2:08am) I don’t wanna do this ugh_ **

_~_

_(8:36am) I'm very proud of you for getting up this early and (at least I assume you did that too) going to school today_

_~_

_(11:31am) I just had therapy and it was really exhausting today_

_(11:31am) Why are there so many things wrong with me?_

_(11:31am) Did my parents drop me on the head when I was a baby?_

_(11:32am) Anyways, Mom's taking me out for lunch in my favorite pizzeria now_

**_(11:34am) Just came home from school_ **

**_(11:34am) Thanks for being proud of me and yay for pizza_ **

**_(11:34am) Also I’m sorry therapy was exhausting_ **

_(11:34am) You're back!!!_

_(11:34am) I missed you_

**_(11:35am) Aw_ **

**_(11:35am) I missed you too_ **

_(11:35am) How was school?_

**_(11:35am) I had two fucking hours of maths this morning_ **

**_(11:35am) First thing when I got there_ **

**_(11:35am) My head exploded after ten minutes_ **

_(11:36am) Oh no not your pretty head_

**_(11:36am) I know!!! It's tragic_ **

**_(11:36am) Also I already have so much homework_ **

**_(11:36am) I'm gonna cry_ **

_(11:37am) Nooo_

_(11:37am) I don’t want you to cry_

_(11:37am) I will go to your teachers and tell them to stop being mean to you_

**_(11:38am) Thank you_ **

_(11:38am) You're welcome_

_~_

_(12:58pm) I ate so much I think I'm gonna throw up_

**_(12:58pm) Please don’t_ **

**_(12:58pm) Because if other people throw up I have to throw up too_ **

_(12:58pm) I'll give my best to keep it in_

**_(12:58pm) Thank you_ **

**_(12:58pm) Was the pizza good though?_ **

_(12:59pm) So good!!!!!_

_(12:59pm) When you come to New York, I'm gonna take you there for dinner_

**_(1:00pm) Sounds great_ **

_(1:00pm) Can't wait until we see us again!!_

**_(1:00pm) Same!!!_ **

_~_

**_(3:45pm) Can you please tell me to do my homework_ **

_(3:45pm) Sirius, do your homework_

**_(3:45pm) But I don't want to_ **

_(3:45pm) But you have to_

**_(3:45pm) But it's SO MUCH_ **

_(3:56pm) If you don't start, you'll never be done_

**_(3:56pm) *cries*_ **

_(3:56pm) Don't cry!!!_

_(3:56pm) I believe in you!_

**_(3:56pm) Thank you_ **

_~_

**_(5:23pm) I hate how much less we're texting when I have school_ **

_(5:23pm) It's not that bad. I mean, we did that before too and we still got to talk like every day_

**_(5:23pm) But I wanna talk to you ALL day_ **

_(5:24pm I don't even have that much to say though_

**_(5:24pm) Then you have to come here so I can just look at you_ **

_(5:24pm) But I don’t like it when people look at me_

**_(5:24pm) Then you have to stop being so beautiful_ **

_(5:24pm) Okay, but how do I stop with something I never did in the first place?_

**_(5:25pm) I will let you know right now that I don’t take kindly to liars_ **

_(5:25pm) I'm not a liar_

**_(5:25pm) You just lied though_ **

_(5:26pm) I didn’t_

**_(5:26pm) REMUS J LUPIN_ **

**_(5:26pm) YOU WILL SWING YOUR CUTE LITTLE BUTT IN FRONT OF THE NEXT MIRROR AND LOOK AT YOUR PRETTY FACE AND THEN TRY TO TELL ME AGAIN YOU'RE NOT BEAUTIFUL_ **

_(5:27pm) Okay so I tried to find that pretty face you're talking about, but some ugly guy is blocking the view_

**_(5:27pm) OH MY FUCKING GOD_ **

**_(5:27pm) REMUS_ **

**_(5:27pm) I AM ON MY WAY TO KICK YOUR ASS_ **

_(5:27pm) Rude :(_

**_(5:27pm) One day, Remus_ **

**_(5:27pm) One day you will see how gorgeous you are_ **

_(5:27pm) I doubt that_

**_(5:28pm) I will keep telling you day for day until you believe me_ **

_(5:28pm) You're fighting a lost battle_

_(5:28pm) Just give it up_

**_(5:28pm) Never_ **

 

_September 1 st _

**_(1:34am) Good morning, Moony, my handsome cute werewolf prince, love of my life, I hope you have an absolutely wonderful day, you beautiful young man_ **

_~_

_(7:21am) That was so cheesy_

_(7:21am) But I hope you have a nice day too_

_~_

**_(10:14am) Excuse me_ **

**_(10:14am) I pour my heart out to you and you call me cheesy_ **

_(10:15am) Please forgive me, my handsome Padfoot daddy, love of my life, I hope you had an absolutely wonderful day too, you beautiful OLD man_

**_(10:16am) Don’t call me the d word_ **

**_(10:16am) But apart from that, better._ **

_(10:16am) But Daddy :(_

**_(10:16am) No_ **

_(10:16am) :(_

**_(10:17am) I prefer your necrophilia over your daddy kink, to be honest_ **

_(10:18am) So you’d rather have me break into a morgue for some hanky panky than call someone daddy?_

**_(10:18am) I’d rather have you not calling it hanky panky_ **

_(10:18am) That’s fair_

_(10:18am) My question still stands though_

**_(10:19am) Well, if you ask me like this… yes._ **

_(10:19am) Alright then_

_(10:19am) I have to go now… I have… stuff… to do_

**_(10:20am) REMUS_ **

**_(10:20am) Don’t fuck a corpse_ **

_(10:20am) You told me to_

**_(10:20am) NO_ **

_(10:20am) Yes_

**_(10:20am) NO_ **

_(10:20am) You never let me have fun :(_

**_(10:20am) If your idea of fun is fucking a corpse then the whole world should thank me for not letting you have fun_ **

_(10:21am) Rude_

_~_

**_(11:41am) Remus_ **

**_(11:41am) I miss you_ **

**_(11:41am) You have to come back to England_ **

**_(11:41am) And stay with me forever_ **

_(11:43am) That sounds great_

_(11:43am) I miss you too_

**_(11:44am) Ugghhh_ **

**_(11:44am) Anyways, how’s your day going?_ **

_(11:45am) Pretty much alright so far… but Mom’s leaving this afternoon because she has to join my Dad for a convention in Florida so I’m gonna be alone for a couple of days_

**_(11:45am) How do you feel about that?_ **

_(11:46am) I don’t know… I’m not really pumped about it, because being home alone for me means having literally no one to talk to face to face. Except when I have therapy. And while I enjoy being alone… it kind of sucks to know that even when I WANT to talk to someone… there’s no one around_

**_(11:46am) I’m sorry about that. And I know it’s not the same, but I’m here for you, okay?_ **

_(11:46am) Thank you_

**_(11:46am) You’re welcome_ **

_(11:46am) Anyways, how was your day?_

**_(11:47am) It was alright. Getting up early sucks, but other than that it went quite well_ **

_(11:47am) That’s good_

**_(11:47am) So do you have any plans for the rest of your day?_ **

_(11:48am) Not really… I’m probably just gonna read and, when my Mom left, take a nap_

**_(11:48am) Sounds great though_ **

**_(11:48am) I napped this afternoon in history_ **

**_(11:48am) My teacher wasn’t very happy_ **

_(11:48am) I cannot imagine why_

**_(11:49am) Hey, he told me to shut up, so I did_ **

_(11:49am) And he couldn’t have possibly meant that you should shut up and pay attention to his class now, could he?_

**_(11:49am) That’s not what he said_ **

**_(11:49am) He just said that he didn’t want to hear a sound from me for the rest of the lesson_ **

_(11:49am) Maybe you snored_

**_(11:49am) EXCUSE YOU_ **

**_(11:49am) I don’t snore_ **

_(11:50am) Actually, you do sometimes_

_(11:50am) When you’re sleeping really deeply_

_(11:50am) It’s really cute_

**_(11:50am) Ugh_ **

**_(11:50am) I wasn’t sleeping deeply though_ **

_(11:51am) Then maybe you talked in your sleep?_

_(11:51am) Or, you know, MAYBE – and this is just an idea – maybe your teacher didn’t appreciate you sleeping through his lesson when you’re supposed to pay attention_

**_(11:51am) No, I’m sure I just talked in my sleep_ **

_(11:51am) That must be the reason then_

**_(11:51am) Because if he didn’t want people sleeping in his class, then why would he teach such a boring subject?_ **

_(11:51am) Not everyone thinks history is boring_

**_(11:51am) But I do_ **

**_(11:51am) And that’s all that counts_ **

_(11:51am) Oh, of course. How could I forget?_

**_(11:51am) I really don’t know. And I’m kind of disappointed you did._ **

_(11:52am) My apologies_

**_(11:52am) Apology accepted_ **

_(11:52am) Thank you_

_~_

_(4:34pm) I just woke up from the best nap of my life_

**_(4:35pm) Now I’m jealous_ **

_(4:35pm) Don’t be. It’s almost your bedtime anyway, then you can go to sleep too._

**_(4:35pm) Excuse me? It’s not even 10. My bedtime is nowhere near_ **

_(4:35pm) Small puppies need lots of sleep though_

**_(4:35pm) I’m NOT SMALL_ **

_(4:35pm) Yes you are_

**_(4:35pm) NO I’M NOT_ **

_(4:36pm) You’re my tiny glitter fairy puppy_

**_(4:36pm) Oh my god_ **

**_(4:36pm) I’m NOT a glitter fairy_ **

_(4:36pm) Yes you are_

**_(4:36pm) No!!!_ **

_(4:36pm) Yes_

**_(4:36pm) Shut up_ **

_(4:37pm) :(_

_~_

_(5:24pm) Time to go to sleep_

**_(5:24pm) No_ **

_(5:24pm) Yes_

**_(5:24pm) But I’m not tired yet_ **

_(5:24pm) But you will be tired tomorrow morning_

**_(5:24pm) You can’t tell me what to do_ **

_(5:24pm) Fine, then do what you want. But I’m gonna enjoy laughing at you when you have to get up tomorrow morning_

**_(5:24pm) Asshole_ **

_(5:24pm) I know_

_(5:24pm) Goodnight, Sirius_

**_(5:25pm) Goodnight_ **

_September 2 nd _

**_(2:34am) It’s so early ugh_ **

**_(2:34am) And before you make some kind of smartass comment, I did go to sleep not much after you told me so and I’m STILL tired_ **

**_(2:34am) You better enjoy sleeping in every day as long as you still can_ **

**_~_ **

**_(10:14am) Not a single message while I was at school_ **

**_(10:14am) I’m disappointed_ **

**_(10:14am) Are you still sleeping or did you forget about me?_ **

**_~_ **

**_(12:38pm) My disappointment is turning into worry_ **

**_(12:38pm) Text me, okay? Even if it’s just telling me you don’t want to talk right now. I just need to know you’re okay_ **

**_~_ **

_(1:47pm) Sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you. I’m okay. But I need some quiet time, alright? We’ll talk later._

**_(1:48pm) Okay, thank you for messaging me though. Text me if you need me. I love you!_ **

_(1:48pm) Love you too_

_~_

**_(6:25pm) Hope you’re alright! Goodnight, Remus._ **

****

_September 3 rd _

**_(2:16am) Good morning Remus_ **

**_(2:16am) Hope you have a good day!_ **

**_~_ **

_(8:24am) You too!_

_~_

**_(10:31am) I’m back from school. Are you there?_ **

**_~_ **

_(11:06am) Just had therapy_

**_(11:06am) Did it go well?_ **

_(11:06am) Yeah, it was alright_

**_(11:07am) That’s good. So how are you feeling? Do you want to talk about yesterday or rather not?_ **

_(11:07am) I’m fine, thank you. And there’s really not a lot to say about yesterday. I was just having a bad day_

**_(11:07am) Alright. But you know that I’m here if you need me, right?_ **

_(11:07am) Yes, thank you, Sirius._

_(11:07am) So how was your day?_

**_(11:08am) It was great actually_ **

**_(11:08am) Already making plans to get drunk tomorrow_ **

_(11:08am) Don’t turn into an alcoholic please_

**_(11:08am) I won’t_ **

_(11:08am) Good_

**_(11:09am) So what are you doing right now?_ **

_(11:09am) I’m still on my way home from therapy. You?_

**_(11:09am) Me and James are at Peter’s place_ **

**_(11:09am) But we’re just annoying his cat_ **

_(11:09am) Just don’t shave it_

**_(11:09am) Why did you have to bring this back?_ **

_(11:09am) Because it was the most fucked up thing you ever said_

_(11:09am) And that means something. Because you say a lot of fucked up things._

**_(11:09am) Rude_ **

_(11:10am) I don’t care. Just leave the poor cat in peace_

**_(11:10am) It’s a mean old beast though_ **

_(11:10am) So are you_

**_(11:10am) EXCUSE YOU_ **

**_(11:10am) How dare you?!?!?!_ **

**_(11:10am) I am done with you, this friendship is over. Goodbye_ **

_(11:10am) Rude_

**_(11:11am) RUDE?!_ **

**_(11:11am) RUDE?????????_ **

**_(11:11am) YOU call ME rude after you say I’m a mean old beast?_ **

_(11:11am) Yeah_

**_(11:11am) Oh my god_ **

**_(11:11am) Unbelievable_ **

**_(11:12am) This is over_ **

**_(11:12am) Goodbye_ **

_(11:12am) Bye_

_~_

**_(2:01pm) What do you get if you mix an insomniac, a dyslexic and an agnostic?_ **

**_(2:01pm) A person who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog._ **

_(2:02pm) Never talk to me again_

**_(2:02pm) Oh come on_ **

**_(2:02pm) That’s a good one_ **

_(2:02pm) Never. Talk. To. Me. Again._

**_(2:02pm) Rude_ **

**_~_ **

**_(4:47pm) Did you know that Switzerland eats the most chocolate equating to 10 kilos per person per year?_ **

_(4:47pm) Did you know that I don’t give a fuck?_

**_(4:47pm) But it’s about chocolate_ **

_(4:47pm) I don’t give a fuck_

**_(4:47pm) Are we a bit moody today?_ **

_(4:48pm) Ugh I’m sorry okay? I’m gonna go now_

**_(4:48pm) No, wait! Don’t leave_ **

**_(4:48pm) It’s okay_ **

_(4:48pm) I’m sorry, but I’m not really in the mood to talk to anyone anyway_

**_(4:48pm) Oh, okay. But let me know if you need anything, yeah?_ **

_(4:49pm) Sure_

_~_

**_(6:07pm) Goodnight Moony_ **

_~_

_(11:52pm) I’m really sorry I was so moody today. My mood swings have been so bad lately and I just don’t know how to deal with that. I’m sorry, okay? I love you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are very appreciated ♥


	23. Chapter 23

_September 10 th _

_(9:04am) SIRIUS_

_(9:04am) FUCKING SHIT_

_(9:04am) I GOT THE JOB AT THE ACCOUNTING FIRM_

_(9:04am) JESUS CHRIST_

_~_

**_(10:06am) CONGRATULATIONS_ **

**_(10:06am) Do you already know when you will start?_ **

_(10:07am) Not yet. They invited me there together with my career counsellor so we can talk about how many hours a week I will work there and how they can support me if things get more difficult for me again (they know about my situation because my career counsellor already kinda explained it to them in advance). But I’m definitely getting the job_

**_(10:07am) That’s so great!!! I’m so proud of you!_ **

_(10:07am) Thank you_

_(10:08am) I’m really scared though_

**_(10:08am) I’m sure it will be fine! And you’re gonna meet new people there_ **

_(10:08am) Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m scared of_

**_(10:09am) No, it will be great! Maybe you even make friends there_ **

_(10:09am) I’m not really good at making friends_

**_(10:09am) I’m sure everything will come out fine!!_ **

**_(10:09am) And I’m really proud of you for doing this!!_ **

_(10:09am) Thank you, Sirius._

**_(10:09am) You’re welcome_ **

**_(10:10am) So when’s that talk?_ **

_(10:10am) Tomorrow afternoon at 3:30_

**_(10:11am) Awesome_ **

**_(10:11am) Tell me how it went!!_ **

_(10:11am) Of course._

_(10:11am) So how was school today?_

**_(10:12am) It was alright, I guess_ **

**_(10:12am) But I have so much homework_ **

**_(10:12am) Which I’m definitely not gonna do_ **

_(10:12am) Which you definitely will do_

**_(10:12am) No_ **

_(10:12am) Yes_

**_(10:13am) No_ **

_(10:13am) Sirius, you have to do your homework_

**_(10:13am) I won’t, though_ **

_(10:13am) Ugh_

**_(10:13am) I’m just gonna copy them from Longbottom tomorrow_ **

_(10:13am) Who’s Longbottom?_

**_(10:13am) A friend_ **

_(10:14am) Ah_

_(10:14am) You know you’re not gonna get far with copying homework?_

**_(10:14_ ** **_am) Yeah, but the thing is… I don’t care_ **

_(10:14am) Fine. It’s your decision_

**_(10:14am) Exactly_ **

**_~_ **

_(2:37pm) Sirius_

**_(2:38pm) Yeah?_ **

_(2:38pm) I’m really anxious right now_

_(2:38pm) I’m so scared of that talk tomorrow and of starting work_

**_(2:38pm) It will be fine, Remus. Take deep breaths, okay?_ **

**_(2:38pm) Don’t think about tomorrow. Just focus on right now._ **

**_(2:38pm) It’s alright. Just breathe._ **

**_(2:39pm) Everything will go fine. I’m here for you, okay?_ **

_(2:39pm) But what if I fuck it up?_

**_(2:39pm) You won’t. It’s going to be alright. They will explain everything to you. Step by step. So you will know what to do and won’t get overwhelmed, yeah? Nobody expects you to just know everything. It will be fine._ **

**_(2:39pm) And you still have time until then. Just breathe and everything will be fine._ **

_(2:39pm) Thank you_

**_(2:39pm) Anytime. I’m here for you, okay?_ **

_(2:40pm) Thank you_

**_(2:40pm) Do you feel a bit better? Is there anything else I can do for you?_ **

_(2:40pm) I just need some time, I guess. But I’m already a bit better, thank you so much_

**_(2:41pm) Of course. I’m here for you whenever you need me, okay? I love you_ **

_(2:41pm) I love you too_

_~_

**_(4:14pm) Don’t forget that it’s only five and a half more weeks until I’m on vacation again, yeah?_ **

**_~_ **

**_(6:35pm) Goodnight, Remus. I love you_ **

**_~_ **

_(7:42pm) Sorry for the late answer, I wasn’t on my phone. But I can’t wait to see you again! And I love you too. Sleep well_

_September 11 th _

**_(9:35am) Just got home from school. Are you up yet?_ **

**_~_ **

_(10:39am) Sorry, I was in therapy_

**_(10:40am) Oh, alright. Did it go well?_ **

_(10:40am) Yeah_

**_(10:40am) Good_ **

**_(10:40am) So how are you feeling today?_ **

_(10:41am) I’m alright, I guess_

**_(10:41am) You guess? Do you want to talk about something?_ **

_(10:41am) No, it’s okay. Thank you, though_

**_(10:41am) Okay, but I’m here if you change your mind_ **

_(10:41am) Thank you_

_~_

**_(3:04pm) Hey, your appointment is soon, isn’t it?_ **

_(3:04pm) Yeah, I just got on the bus_

**_(3:04pm) How are you feeling?_ **

_(3:05pm) I’m really nervous_

**_(3:05pm) That’s normal, I guess. But are you alright?_ **

_(3:05pm) I guess so_

**_(3:05pm) Okay. Just take deep breaths and everything is gonna be alright, okay? You can do this._ **

**_(3:05pm) I love you_ **

_(3:05pm) Thank you. I love you too._

_~_

**_(4:12pm) Let me know how it went when you’re done, okay?_ **

**_~_ **

_(4:51pm) Hey, sorry I didn’t text you back right away, but I just needed some time right after I got back home_

_(4:51pm) I’m okay though, so don’t worry_

**_(4:52pm) Alright… Did something happen, or?_ **

_(4:52pm) No, not really. I was just exhausted. Situations like this are really difficult for me_

**_(4:52pm) That’s understandable. But did the talk go well?_ **

_(4:53pm) Yeah, it went fine. The boss is really understanding and he said that if I’m having any problems I should just tell him and we’ll figure out how we can make things easier for me_

**_(4:53pm) That sounds great! Do you already know when you’ll start?_ **

_(4:53pm) Next week. We’ll start with two days a week (for now, Mondays and Thursdays) and we’ll see how it goes and if it goes well, we might add a day or so in the future_

**_(4:54pm) Awesome! Are you excited?_ **

_(4:54pm) Kind of… but I’m also really nervous_

**_(4:54pm) Yeah, I get that. But I mean as long as it’s just nervousness, it’s okay and also normal. But if you get anxious or if it just gets too much, tell someone. Either me, or Lily or your parents or your therapist, yeah?_ **

_(4:54pm) I will_

**_(4:54pm) Oh, by the way_ **

**_(4:54pm) My parents and Prongs say they’re really proud of you too!_ **

_(4:55pm) Awh_

_(4:55pm) You told them?_

_(4:55pm) Tell them I said thank you_

**_(4:55pm) Of course I told them_ **

_(4:55pm) That’s kind of embarrassing_

**_(4:55pm) Why?_ **

_(4:55pm) I don’t know. Lots of things are embarrassing for me_

**_(4:55pm) You don’t have to be embarrassed. We’re all really proud of you!!!_ **

_(4:55pm) Thank you_

**_(4:56pm) You’re welcome!_ **

**_(4:56pm) So what did your parents say?_ **

_(4:56pm) They’re really proud of me too_

_(4:56pm) They wanted to take me out for dinner tonight, but I convinced them to stay home and order food instead_

_(4:56pm) I like that much better than going out_

**_(4:56pm) Sounds great!_ **

**_(4:56pm) I hope you’ll have a nice evening with them_ **

_(4:56pm) Thank you_

_September 12 th _

**_(6:34am) Finally I was able to sleep in again_ **

**_(6:34am) I slept 11 hours last night_ **

**_(6:34am) I feel amazing_ **

_(6:35am) That’s great_

**_(6:35am) Why?? Are?? You?? Up??_ **

**_(6:35am) It’s Saturday and it’s not even 7am at your place_ **

_(6:35am) I couldn’t sleep_

**_(6:35am) Like… couldn’t sleep all night?_ **

_(6:35am) Yeah_

**_(6:36am) Oh no_ **

**_(6:36am) Don’t you have sleeping medication anymore?_ **

_(6:37am) I ran out of it a couple of days ago and I didn’t get around to get more_

**_(6:37am) That’s not good… You really need to sleep_ **

_(6:37am) I know. It’s usually not that bad. Like I normally do fall asleep eventually_

_(6:37am) But last night I just couldn’t_

**_(6:37am) I’m sorry about that_ **

**_(6:38am) Are you okay though? Or is there anything you wanna talk about?_ **

_(6:38am) No, I’m fine. Don’t worry._

**_(6:38am) You sure?_ **

_(6:38am) Yeah_

**_(6:38am) Good_ **

_~_

_(9:47am) Do you know who sucks?_

_(9:47am) Ross fucking Geller_

**_(9:47am) OH MY GOD_ **

**_(9:47am) I KNOW, RIGHT???_ **

_(9:47am) I HATE HIM SO MUCH_

**_(9:47am) THANK YOU_ **

**_(9:47am) James likes him_ **

_(9:47am) Lily too_

_(9:47am) I don’t understand it_

**_(9:47am) Me neither_ **

**_(9:47am) Every time he opens his mouth, I want to punch him in his pretentious face_ **

_(9:48am) Same_

_(9:48am) He pisses me off so much_

**_(9:48am) Finally someone who understands my hatred for him_ **

_(9:48am) !!!!_

_~_

**_(11:16am) Someone puked on the sidewalk in front of our house_ **

_(11:16am) Eat it_

**_(11:16am) Why the fuck would I do that?_ **

_(11:16am) Because you're a dog_

**_(11:16am) No_ **

_(11:16am) Yes_

**_(11:16am) You're disgusting_ **

_(11:16am) Thank you_

**_(11:17am) I feel like that person had a better Friday night than me though_ **

_(11:17am) So your idea of a good Friday night is puking?_

**_(11:17am) Well, no... But I bet they were drunk when they threw up_ **

_(11:17am) Do you really need to be drunk for it to be a good Friday night?_

**_(11:17am) Yes_ **

_(11:18am) That's not good_

_(11:18am) You can have fun without alcohol_

**_(11:18am) But why would I stay sober when I could be drunk?_ **

_(11:18am) It worries me when you say that_

**_(11:18am) No, I'm sorry, don’t be worried_ **

_(11:18am) …_

**_(11:18am) Really_ **

_(11:18am) I mean it's your decision and all, but you do drink quite a lot_

_(11:18am) Of course if it's just for fun, that's one thing, but if you have to rely on being drunk to have a good time or if you really have to get drunk whenever somehow possible... that's not good_

_(11:18am) Maybe I'm being overly sensitive to this topic though_

**_(11:18am) No, I get what you mean. And I appreciate your worry, but I'm alright, I promise_ **

**_(11:19am) I wasn’t really serious when I said I needed to be drunk to have a good time_ **

_(11:19am) I'm sorry I overreacted_

**_(11:19am) No, you didn't, it's alright. I do drink a lot. And I know that_ **

_(11:19am) Just take care of yourself, okay?_

**_(11:19am) Of course_ **

_(11:19am) Good_

_~_

**_(4:34pm) Okay so I know we just talked about this today so please don’t be mad BUT GUESS WHO'S GETTING DRUNK TONIGHT_ **

_(4:34pm) Of course I'm not mad_

_(4:34pm) It's your decision if you want to drink or not_

_(4:34pm) I just want you to take care of yourself_

**_(4:34pm) I do, I promise_ **

_(4:34pm) Good_

_(4:34pm) Who's with you?_

**_(4:34pm) James, Peter, Frank (Longbottom) and Alice (Frank's girlfriend)_ **

_(4:34pm) Sounds nice_

_(4:34pm) I hope you guys have fun_

**_(4:34pm) Thank you_ **

**_(4:34pm) I wish you were here though_ **

_(4:34pm) Yeah, that would be great_

**_(4:34pm) I miss you_ **

_(4:34pm) I miss you too_

_~_

**_(6:08pm) moony james and I miss u a lot_ **

**_(6:08pm) u have to come here like right now_ **

**_(6:08pm) aslo peter and frank and alice were mad they didn’t get to meet u whne u were here_ **

**_(6:08pm) so u have to come back asap_ **

**_(6:08pm) we all love u ok_ **

**_(6:08pm) ure amaznig_ **

_(6:10pm) That's really sweet of you_

**_(6:10pm) what are u doing_ **

_(6:10pm) Just watching a movie_

**_(6:10pm) I wanna watch it with u_ **

_(6:10pm) If you come to New York, we can do that_

**_(6:10pm) ok_ **

**_(6:10pm) can I bring my friends_ **

_(6:11pm) Sure_

**_(6:11pm) awesome_ **

_~_

**_(7:47pm) peter is throwing up_ **

**_(7:47pm) he alwas throws up whne we drink_ **

**_(7:47pm) we shouldn’t let him drink anymroe_ **

_(7:47pm) Aw no_

_(7:47pm) Is he okay though?_

**_(7:47pm) I thnik so_ **

**_(7:47pm) I cnat really ask him rn because if I go nrea him I will throw up too_ **

_(7:47pm) Well, then better stay away_

**_(7:48pm) yeah_ **

 

_September 13 th _

**_(5:17am) I'm so hungover ugh_ **

**_(5:17am) Why do I keep doing this to myself?_ **

_~_

**_(10:26am) Are you still asleep?_ **

**_~_ **

**_(3:41pm) I really hope you're okay_ **

 

_September 14 th _

**_(2:14am) Hold on you're having your first day at work today, right???_ **

**_(2:14am) I hope you'll have a great time okay? I love you a lot and I'll be thinking about you_ **

**_(2:14am) Let me know how it went, yeah?_ **

**_(2:14am) Also I really hope you're okay!_ **

**_~_ **

**_(11:25am) I'm back from school now_ **

**_(11:25am) Message me when you can, okay?_ **

**_~_ **

_(5:36pm) I'm sorry for the silence. I'm really worn out though, we'll talk tomorrow, okay? Sorry_

**_(5:37pm) Are you alright though?_ **

_(5:37pm) Yeah_

**_(5:37pm) Okay, we'll talk tomorrow. Get some rest, yeah? Love you_ **

_(5:37pm) Love you too_

 

_September 15 th _

**_(1:56am) We'll talk as soon as I get home from school, okay? Love you_ **

_~_

**_(10:47am) Are you there?_ **

_(10:48am) I'm here_

**_(10:48am) So what's going on? Are you okay? And how was your first day?_ **

_(10:48am) I'm alright, I guess. And work was good_

**_(10:48am) So many details, Moony, I'm amazed. I feel like I'd been there with you_ **

_(10:48am) …_

**_(10:49am) Sorry_ **

**_(10:49am) But for real, come on. We haven't properly talked in like two days_ **

**_(10:49am) Also I really want to know how it went_ **

**_(10:49am) Are you sure you're alright?_ **

_(10:49am) It was good. My co-workers all seem nice and the work itself is good too. It's not the most interesting job, but I still kinda enjoy it_

**_(10:50am) So what did you have to do?_ **

_(10:50am) Mostly sorting and filing stuff, making sure there were copies of everything that needs one and stuff like this_

**_(10:50am) Oh okay_ **

**_(10:50am) And how many hours did you work?_ **

_(10:50am) 9:30 to 5_

**_(10:50am) Is it close to your home?_ **

_(10:51am) It takes me like twenty minutes to get there_

**_(10:51am) Oh, that's not so bad, is it?_ **

_(10:51am) No, it's alright_

**_(10:52am) And you have to work again on Thursday, right?_ **

_(10:52am) Yeah_

**_(10:52am) Are you looking forward to it?_ **

_(10:52am) I don’t know. I mean, it wasn’t bad, but I was still very drained when I got home_

_(10:52am) So many new people and all, you know?_

**_(10:52am) Yeah, I get that_ **

**_(10:52am) But you can do this, okay? I believe in you!! Also I’m sure it’s gonna be easier the second day, because you already know it. And the people aren’t complete strangers anymore_ **

_(10:53am) Yeah_

**_(10:53am) But still, if it gets too much, tell someone, yeah?_ **

_(10:53am) I will_

_S_ _eptember 16 th _

**_(2:04am) Sorry I didn’t text you again yesterday. Hope you had a good day and you’ll have a good day today as well_ **

**_(2:04am) We’ll talk when I get back from school, okay? Love you_ **

_~_

_(8:17am) Love you too_

_~_

**_(11:42am) I’m back!! How’s your day going?_ **

_(11:43am) It’s alright. I just had therapy this morning. How was your day?_

**_(11:43am) Did therapy go well?_ **

**_(11:43am) And my day was alright. Got a lot of homework but I’m probably not gonna do it anyway_ **

_(11:43am) Yeah, therapy was fine. And you should really do your homework_

**_(11:44am) Are you okay? I feel like you’re so distant lately._ **

_(11:44am) I’m fine_

**_(11:44am) Are you sure?_ **

_(11:45am) Yeah. I’m just really tired, sorry_

**_(11:45am) It’s okay. You don’t have to apologize. And I mean it’s okay if you’re just not in the mood to talk, but just know that I’m here for you, yeah?_ **

_(11:45am) Thank you, Sirius_

**_(11:45am) Of course!!!_ **

_(11:46am) How’s James and your parents?_

_(11:46am) Tell them I said hi_

**_(11:46am) I’ll tell them. And they’re fine. We all miss you a lot though_ **

_(11:46am) That’s kind of hard to believe_

**_(11:47am) We do!!! Mum and Dad ask about you at least once a day_ **

**_(11:47am) And James has gone from hitting me whenever I talk about you to actually ask me how you’re doing_ **

_(11:47am) But I’ve been nothing but trouble when I was at your place_

**_(11:47am) Bullshit!!!_ **

**_(11:47am) We all miss you and love you a lot. Just believe me_ **

_(11:48am) I miss you too_

**_(11:49am) We’ll see us again soon, yeah? My autumn holidays are just a bit more than a month away and I’m saving up money so I can come visit you soon too! I’m looking forward to it so much!!!_ **

_(11:49am) Me too_

_~_

**_(3:13pm) I have a question_ **

_(3:14pm) Yeah?_

**_(3:14pm) Are cats empathetic because they’re feelines?_ **

_(3:14pm) Oh my god_

**_(3:14pm) You laughed, admit it_ **

_(3:14pm) I didn’t_

**_(3:15pm) Yes, you did. I’m funny_ **

_(3:15pm) You’re not_

**_(3:15pm) Okay I have an idea_ **

**_(3:15pm) Let’s just take all the chemistry jokes_ **

**_(3:15pm) And barium_ **

_(3:16pm) I hate you_

**_(3:16pm) I tried levitating a pencil with my mind but it remained stationary._ **

_(3:16pm) Stop texting me_

**_(3:17pm) What did the cell say to his sister when she stepped on his foot?_ **

**_(3:17pm) Mitosis!_ **

_(3:17pm) We are done_

**_(3:18pm) I was gonna make a gay joke butt fuck it_ **

_(3:18pm) I’m blocking your number_

**_(3:19pm) No!!!_ **

_(3:19pm) Then stop_

**_(3:20pm) When the scientist wanted to clone a deer, he bought a doe it yourself kit_ **

**_(3:21pm) Two blood cells fell in love, but alas it was all in vein_ **

**_(3:22pm) No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation_ **

**_(3:23pm) Don’t ignore me!!!!_ **

**_(3:23pm) Those are pure gold_ **

**_~_ **

**_(3:56pm) Are you still ignoring me?_ **

_(3:56pm) Are you still telling bad jokes?_

**_(3:56pm) I only ever tell good ones_ **

_(3:56pm) Bye_

**_(3:57pm) But Remus!!!!!_ **

**_(3:57pm) Do you know what happens when the clock gets hungry?_ **

_(3:58pm) If you answer this question I will never talk to you again_

**_(3:59pm It goes back four seconds_ **

_(3:59pm) That’s it_

_(3:59pm) Our friendship is over_

**_(3:59pm) Don’t say that!!!_ **

**_(4:00pm) We both know you can’t live without me_ **

**_(4:00pm) And you love my jokes!!!_ **

**_(4:00pm) Admit it!_ **

**_(4:00pm) Remus!!!_ **

**_(4:00pm) Admit you love my jokes_ **

**_(4:00pm) Stop ignoring me!!_ **

**_(4:01pm) Rude!!!_ **

**_~_ **

**_(6:32pm) I’m off to bed now, but I just wanted to say that I hope you have a great day at work tomorrow! I love you, okay?_ **

_(6:32pm) Thank you, Sirius. Sleep well and I love you too xxx_

**_(6:32pm) YOU’RE TALKING TO ME AGAIN_ **

_(6:32pm) Of course_

_(6:32pm) But you need to go to sleep now_

**_(6:32pm) Fine_ **

**_(6:32pm) But we’ll talk tomorrow again, yeah?_ **

_(6:32pm) Yes_

**_(6:32pm) Okay. Goodnight_ **

_(6:32pm) Goodnight_

_September 17 th _

**_(2:01am) I hope you have a great day at work and I’m super proud of you for doing this and I love you, okay?_ **

_~_

_(8:21am) Thank you, Sirius. I love you, too!_

_~_

**_(5:48pm) Aren’t you home from work yet?_ **

_(5:48pm) I am. Sorry I didn’t text you_

**_(5:48pm) Don’t worry about it. Are you okay?_ **

_(5:49pm) More or less_

**_(5:49pm) That doesn’t sound very good. What’s wrong?_ **

_(5:49pm) I’m just really exhausted and anxious and my dysphoria is really bad today_

**_(5:49pm) Can I do anything to help you’_ **

**_(5:50pm) I love you so much okay? And you’re a wonderful guy and I promise you it will get better_ **

_(5:51pm) Thank you. I guess I’m just gonna take a shower and then watch a movie or something_

**_(5:51pm) Are your parents home?_ **

_(5:51pm) My mom’s home_

**_(5:51pm) Good. Go to her if you don’t feel well okay? You don’t have to be alone._ **

_(5:51pm) I will_

**_(5:51pm) Good_ **

**_(5:51pm) I love you, okay?_ **

_(5:52pm) I love you too_


	24. Chapter 24

_September 21 st _

(5:38pm) Hey Remus! How was work today?

_(5:39pm) It was alright, I’m really exhausted though_

(5:39pm) Yeah, that’s understandable. But I’m sure it will get better once you get back into the rhythm.

_(5:39pm) I hope so_

(5:39pm) I’m sure about it

(5:39pm) And apart from work, how are you doing?

_(5:40pm) I’m fine. I’m just really tired_

(5:40pm) Okay. Take care of yourself though, yeah? If it gets too much, tell someone. You said your boss knows about what you’re going through. Make use of that. If you’re overwhelmed, if it gets too much, tell him. Maybe you can cut back a few hours

_(5:40pm) No, it’s okay. It was only my third day today. I’m sure it will get better_

(5:40pm) Alright. But if it gets too much, get help

_(5:40pm) Yes_

(5:40pm) Good. I love you, okay?

_(5:40pm) I love you too, Lily._

(5:41pm) So do you already know if you’re coming over again in October?

_(5:42pm) I think so. I just don’t know when yet. Sirius’ vacation starts on the 19 th but I have to work that week, so I’ll probably come the week after_

(5:42pm) So the week of the 26th?

_(5:42pm) Yes_

(5:42pm) Awesome. Do you think Sirius and James would be alright with it if I came over again?

_(5:42pm) Of course!! Sirius already asked me about this_

_(5:42pm) Maybe this time you can stay longer than just one night_

(5:42pm) Yeah, that would be great

(5:42pm) I can’t wait to see you again!! I miss you so much

_(5:42pm) I miss you too_

(5:43pm) I’m gonna go to sleep now though, We’ll talk again tomorrow, okay?

_(5:43pm) Sure. Sleep well_

(5:43pm) Thank you

 

_September 22 nd _

_(1:03am) Hey Lily are you up yet?_

_~_

(1:31am) I am now. Are you still there?

_(1:31am) Yeah_

(1:31am) What’s up? Why aren’t you asleep?

_(1:31am) I feel so terrible_

_(1:31am) I just want everything to stop_

(1:31am) Did something happen? Or are you just feeling down?

_(1:32am) I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel so terrible and I just want to scream and tear off my face. I’m terrified every evening because I know if I don’t fall asleep early, I will be lying awake half of the night wishing I was dead and fighting against the urge to hurt myself. I hate this feeling so much, it’s so agonizing and I don’t know what to do. I don’t matter and there is no reason for me to keep going on. There’s nothing I’m good for, no one needs me and I don’t want to keep on living_

(1:33am) Remus, please don’t say this. I love you so incredibly much. And Sirius and James do too. I know it’s difficult with us so far away from you, but please, never think you’re not important. I think about you every day and I miss you so much. I wish I could be with you right now. I promise you it will get better soon. Just hold on a little bit longer. I don’t want to lose you Remus, please. If there’s anything I can do to help you, please tell me. I will do ANYTHING, I swear. You are so important and loved. You make so many people happy. I know you can’t always see it, but it is the truth.

_(1:33am) Thank you, Lily. But you all don’t need me. You have different friends, better friends. No one needs me_

(1:34am) That’s not true, Remus. You’re my best friend. You’re the most important person for me. And don’t you even try to tell me Sirius doesn’t love you or need you. I have seen the way he looks at you, Remus. And I’ve seen how much his whole family cares about you. I can understand that you feel alone and that it’s hard, but please please please, don’t think you don’t matter. I can ask my parents if I can fly over for a weekend if that helps you. Just please don’t hurt yourself, Remus. I love you, okay? I will do anything, I promise

_(1:35am) It’s okay, you don’t have to do this_

_(1:35am) I’ll feel better once it’s morning again, I’m just being stupid_

(1:35am) Don’t say that, Remus. You’re not being stupid. You need to validate your feelings and take them seriously. If you need help, get it. People are here for you, okay? Go to your Mom and tell her you’re not feeling well. You shouldn’t be alone right now. You don’t have to talk to her, just sit with her or let her hold you, okay? Don’t go through this alone

_(1:35am) Alright_

(1:35am) Is there anything I can do for you?

_(1:36am) No, it’s okay. Thank you, Lily. I’m gonna try to sleep now_

(1:36am) Good. But if you need anything, I’m here for you, okay?

_(1:36am) Thank you_

(1:36am) I love you, Remus

_(1:36am) I love you too_

_~_

(10:11am) Hey, I’m off school. Are you there?

_(10:11am) Yeah, but I’m on my way to therapy right now_

(10:11am) Alright, we’ll talk afterwards then xxx

_~_

_(11:43am) I’m back_

(11:43am) Great! How did it go?

_(11:43am) It was alright_

(11:43am) Did you tell her about last night?

_(11:44am) Yeah_

(11:44am) Good

(11:44am) Are you feeling better?

_(11:45am) Yes. I’m really sorry about last night. I was just overreacting._

(11:45am) Don’t apologize, Remus. You were feeling bad and you reached out for help. I’m glad you texted me. That’s better than going through it alone.

_(11:45am) Still… I don’t want to bother you_

(11:45am) You don’t bother me. I WANT to be here for you

_(11:45am) Thank you_

(11:45am) Anytime, Remus

_~_

(3:58pm) Ugh I hate homework so much

_(3:58pm) Did you have a lot?_

(3:58pm) So much!!

(3:58pm) It’s almost 9 and I just finished

_(3:58pm) Aw_

(3:59pm) Anyways, how’s your day going?

_(3:59pm) It’s okay, I guess. I’m just reading_

(3:59pm) What are you reading?

_(3:59pm) Will Grayson, Will Grayson_

(3:59pm) Oh, I love that book

_(3:59pm) Me too_

(4:00pm) I’m gonna go take a shower now and then probably call it an early night. But text me if you need me, okay?

_(4:00pm) Okay. Thank you, Lily and goodnight_

(4:00pm) Goodnight. I love you

_(4:00pm) Love you too_

_September 23 rd _

_(8:34am) One day I’m going to strangle Sirius_

_(8:34am) He spammed me with puns while I was asleep_

_(8:34am) I hate him_

_~_

(9:57am) Aw, Remus, we both know you love him

_(9:57am) NO_

_(9:57am) Those jokes are horrible I hate him so much_

(9:57am) Tell me, I wanna hear them

_(9:58am) Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighbourhood and one of them as a–salted_

(9:58am) Oh my god

_(9:58am) When Peter Pan punches, they Neverland_

(9:58am) Oh my god I love this one

_(9:58am) When the cannibal showed up late to his family meal, they gave him the cold shoulder_

(9:58am) I’m sobbing

(9:58am) Can you please tell Sirius that I love him?

_(9:58am) Ugh_

_(9:59am) Why don’t you two just get together so I won’t have to suffer through those puns anymore?_

(9:59am) Because it’s so much fun to annoy you

_(9:59am) Ugh_

_~_

(8:37pm) It was a big bistake to give in and go out with my frineds

(8:37pm) It’s almsot 2am and I just gto back and I’m so drunk ugh

_(8:37pm) Did you have a great time though?_

(8:37pm) Yeah, it was awesome

_(8:37pm) That’s good. But it’s probably best if you go to sleep now, don’t you think?_

(8:37pm) Yep

(8:37pm) Goodnight Remus

(8:37pm) Love you

  _(8:37pm) Love you too_

_September 24 th _

(2:24am) I hope you have a great day at work!! Love you

_~_

_(8:39am) Thank you, I love you too!_

_~_

(5:26pm) Hey, are you home from work yet?

_(5:26pm) Almost_

(5:26pm) How was your day?

_(5:26pm) Long_

(5:26pm) Are you okay?

_(5:26pm) Not really. But don’t worry, I just need some rest_

(5:26pm) Are you sure? You know I’m here for you, right?

_(5:27pm) I know. Thank you, Lily_

_(5:27pm) How was your day?_

(5:28pm) It was alright. I’m really tired because I got home so late last night. Also at 3am my roommate came home and she was completely hammered and made so much noise

(5:28pm) But apart from that, it was okay. It was surprisingly warm, so we went to the beach after school

_(5:28pm) Sounds great_

(5:28pm) Next time you’re in England, we can all go to Brighton. You’ll love this city!! It’s so beautiful

_(5:28pm) Okay_

(5:29pm) Are you sure you’re alright?

_(5:29pm) Yeah. Sorry_

(5:29pm) You don’t have to apologize

(5:29pm) I’m here if you want to talk about it

_(5:29pm) No, I’m fine. I’m just not really in the mood to talk to anyone to be honest_

(5:29pm) Alright then… but text me if you need me, yeah?

_(5:29pm) Yeah_

(5:29pm) Okay. We’ll talk tomorrow then.

_September 25 th _

(2:08am) It’s Friday!!!!

_(2:08am) Yay_

(2:08am) Why aren’t you asleep?

_(2:08am) I can’t sleep_

(2:08am) Are you alright?

_(2:09am) I guess so_

(2:09am) That doesn’t sound very convincing

_(2:09am) It’s just because it’s night_

_(2:09am) I’ll be fine, don’t worry about me_

(2:09am) Are you sure? If there’s anything you want to talk about I’m here for you

_(2:10am) I’m fine. But thank you_

(2:10am) Alright. But if you change your mind, message me

_(2:10am) Sure_

_~_

(9:47am) I’m back from school. Are you there?

~

(12:06pm) Message me when you see this, okay??

~

(2:35pm) Remus I’m getting really worried. It’s okay if you don’t want to talk, just let me know if you’re okay

~

(3:12pm) Remus please message me!!!

~

(6:04pm) If I haven’t heard of you until tomorrow morning, I’m calling your parents

 

* * *

 

_(London time zone)_

_September 26 th _

**_(10:44am) Prongs where the fuck are you_ **

**(10:44am) At Longbottom’s place**

**_(10:44am) Why didn’t you wait for me????_ **

**(10:45am) I waited. Forty minutes. It’s not my fault you take that long in the bathroom**

**_(10:45am) Fuck you_ **

**(10:45am) Maybe later**

**~**

**(11:24am) So are you coming too or not?**

**(11:24am) Cause we’re going to London later and if you’re not here before we leave you can come after us alone or stay home**

**_(11:24am) I’m on my way_ **

**(11:24am) On your way as in you actually left the house or on your way as in you’re currently getting dressed**

**_(11:24am) On my way as in I’m currently doing my eyebrows_ **

**(11:25am) Honestly I will never get how you even manage to spend so much time in the bathroom. Like I couldn’t take that long to get ready if I tried**

**_(11:25am) Look I’m sorry but the entirety of the Lion King soundtrack takes its time to sing in the shower_ **

**(11:25am) Oh my god**

**(11:26am) Just draw your stupid eyebrows on and hurry up**

**_(11:26am) My eyebrows aren’t stupid_ **

**(11:26am) Whatever. Just hurry up. We’re catching the train at 12:15**

**_(11:26am) Fine_ **

**_~_ **

**_(8:34pm) Oi Prongs_ **

**(8:34pm) How many times do I have to tell you to not text me while you’re taking a dump**

**_(8:34pm) But I’m bored_ **

**(8:34pm) Just finish up, man**

**_(8:34pm) Nah, that’s gonna take a while_ **

**(8:34pm) I don’t want to know that**

**(8:34pm) Can’t you text Remus and leave me in peace?**

**_(8:34pm) He’s still not replying_ **

**(8:34pm) Shit**

**(8:34pm) And you still have no idea what’s going on?**

**_(8:35pm) I was texting with Lily earlier. She called his Mum today and she said that she’s with Remus and that she’s taking care of him. He’s having a tough time right now, he’s having sleeping problems again and being tired affects him very badly. Also I think he’s still having troubles getting used to work_ **

**_(8:35pm) I’m really worried about him… But at least his mother is with him_ **

**(8:36pm) I’m sure he’ll be fine. He probably just needs some quiet time**

**_(8:36pm) I hope so_ **

**(8:36pm) Of course he will**

_~_

**(11:48pm) Sirius where the fuck are you?**

**(11:48pm) I swear to god, you’re the worst person to go out with. I turn around one second and you disappear**

**_(11:49pm) I fnuod a dog and I flowoled it_ **

**(11:49pm) Great**

**(11:49pm) Can you tell me where you are?**

**_(11:52pm) I dont knoe_ **

**(11:53pm) Is there anything in your surroundings that could help me find you?**

**_(11:55pm) I cna see teh mnoo_ **

**(11:55pm) Very helpful**

**(11:55pm) Anything else?**

**_(11:56pm) a dog_ **

**(11:56pm) Jesus Christ that’s not helpful. Hold on I’m calling you**

_September 27 th _

**_(10:34am) Prongs_ **

**_(10:35am) Can you bring me some water_ **

**_(10:35am) My head is exploding_ **

**_(10:35am) I’m begging you_ **

**(10:37am) Fuck off**

**(10:37am) Me and Peter had to literally carry you home last night**

**(10:37am) If anyone here has to serve someone then it’s you who should serve me**

**_(10:37am) But I’m SO hungover_ **

**(10:37am) I told you not to take those shots with that guy**

**_(10:37am) But he paid for them!!!_ **

**(10:37am) Because you were practically throwing yourself at him. Which I still don’t get, by the way. What about Remus?**

**_(10:38am) Hey, first of all, I didn’t do anything except maybe smile at him a little to get some drinks. That doesn’t even count as flirting. Also CAN YOU PLEASE BRING ME WATER NOW_ **

**_(10:38am) And Aspirin please_ **

**(10:38am) Just come downstairs. Breakfast is ready any moment anyway**

**_(10:38am) But my head hurts_ **

**(10:38am) Boo hoo**

**_(10:39am) Rude_ **

_~_

**(11:05am) Mum says either you come downstairs right now or we’re cleaning up and you’re not getting any breakfast**

**_(11:05am) But my head!!!!_ **

**(11:05am) Why do I even bother with you, I swear to god you’re the worst**

**_(11:06am) Rude :(_ **

**(11:06am) I don’t care**

_~_

**_(3:17pm) Why do you always do this?_ **

**(3:17pm) What?**

**_(3:17pm) Going somewhere without telling me_ **

**(3:17pm) You were asleep**

**_(3:18pm) You could have woken me up and asked me if I wanted to come_ **

**(3:18pm) Mate, the last time I woke you up you nearly scratched my eyes out. I’d rather let you die in a fire than wake you up to tell you the house was burning**

**_(3:18pm) Rude_ **

**_(3:18pm) Where are you?_ **

**(3:19pm) At Peter’s place**

**_(3:19pm) Alright, I’ll be there in 30_ **

**(3:19pm) Sure**

_~_

**_(3:46pm) I’m on my way_ **

**_(3:46pm) Tell Peter to make me some food_ **

**(3:46pm) Peter says you can go fuck yourself**

**_(3:46pm) Right here in the middle of the road?_ **

**_(3:46pm) Kinky_ **

**(3:47pm) If you weren’t my brother I swear to god I would strangle you**

**_(3:47pm) Kinky_ **

**(3:47pm) Oh my god**

_September 28 th _

**(9:08am) Do you have the solution to number three?**

**_(9:08am) No, but I just broke my own temple run high score_ **

**(9:08am) You’re lucky you’re pretty do you know that?**

**_(9:08am) Yep_ **

_~_

**_(11:34pm) The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a well seasoned veteran_ **

**(11:34pm) You’re like ten feet away from me. Why are you texting me?**

**_(11:34pm) Well, why are you texting back?_ **

**(11:34pm) Just go to sleep, Sirius**

**_(11:34pm) You didn’t even say anything to my joke :(_ **

**(11:34pm) It’s great**

**(11:34pm) Now shut up and go to sleep**

**_(11:34pm) Remus’ reactions are more fun_ **

**(11:35pm) Then text him**

**_(11:35pm) He’s still not replying_ **

**(11:35pm) Oh**

**(11:35pm) Then give him some more time**

**(11:35pm) He’ll be back soon**

**_(11:36pm) I hope so_ **

**(11:36pm) I’m sure he will**

**(11:36pm) Goodnight**

**_(11:36pm) Night_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So are you guys still enjoying this story lol


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please don't hate me

_October 2 nd _

_(10:48am) Hey Sirius_

**_(10:48am) REMUS_ **

**_(10:48am) You’re back!!!_ **

**_(10:48am) I missed you so much_ **

**_(10:48am) Are you okay???_ **

_(10:49am) I’m sorry for the absence._

**_(10:49am) It’s okay, don’t worry!_ **

**_(10:49am) Do you feel better?_ **

_(10:49am) Yeah. I’m just tired_

**_(10:50am) Is there anything I can do to help you?_ **

_(10:50am) No, it’s okay. Don’t worry_

**_(10:50am) Are you sure?_ **

_(10:50am) Yeah_

_(10:50am) So how have you been?_

**_(10:50am) Good. I drunkenly became best friends with a dog on Saturday night_ **

_(10:51am) Amazing_

**_(10:51am) I don’t remember most of it, but Prongs said I’d just suddenly disappeared and when he texted me asking where I was, I just said I had followed a dog and when he and Peter found me I was sitting in someone’s garden petting their dog_ **

_(10:51am) Oh my god_

**_(10:51am) Also apparently they had to carry me home_ **

_(10:51am) Jesus Christ, Sirius_

_(10:51am) You’re crazy_

**_(10:51am) Yep_ **

**_(10:51am) So do you have any plans for today?_ **

_(10:51am) Just therapy and a doctor’s appointment this afternoon_

**_(10:51am) Why do you have to go to the doctor?_ **

_(10:51am) It’s nothing_

**_(10:51am) …_ **

_(10:51am) You’re just gonna start to worry_

**_(10:52am) I already am worried_ **

_(10:52am) Just forget about it_

**_(10:52am) I’m not gonna ask you again but I’m not forgetting about it_ **

_(10:52am) Whatever_

**_(10:52am) I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m just really worried about you_ **

_(10:52am) I’m not upset. Sorry if I sounded harsh_

**_(10:53am) No, it’s okay_ **

**_(10:53am) But you know that I’m here for you if you need me, right? No matter what_ **

_(10:53am) Thank you_

_~_

**_(4:34pm) Are you back from therapy and the doctor yet?_ **

_(4:34pm) Yeah, why?_

**_(4:34pm) Just wanted to ask how it went_ **

_(4:34pm) It went fine_

**_(4:34pm) Good_ **

**_(4:34pm) So what are you doing tonight?_ **

_(4:34pm) Nothing_

_(4:34pm) You?_

**_(4:34pm) I’m having a movie night with James and Peter_ **

_(4:34pm) Sounds great_

**_(4:35pm) Yeah_ **

**_(4:35pm) So… just out of curiosity, have you actually looked up flights yet?_ **

_(4:36pm) No, not yet_

**_(4:36pm) Oh, alright_ **

_(4:37pm) I’m sorry, okay? I’ve had a lot on my plate lately and I really didn’t have time for that_

**_(4:37pm) No, it’s okay, don’t worry! I was just curious_ **

_(4:38pm) Sorry_

**_(4:38pm) No reason to apologise! xxx_ **

**_(4:38pm) You still want to come though, right?_ **

_(4:38pm) Of course!_

**_(4:38pm) Okay, good_ **

**_(4:38pm) James and Peter are complaining because I keep texting, so I’m gonna go now, but if you need me, I’m here, okay?_ **

_(4:38pm) Sure. Have a nice evening_

**_(4:38pm) Thank you_ **

_October 3 rd _

**_(5:14am) Ew I fell asleep on a piece of chocolate and now it looks like I shat myself_ **

**_(5:14am) James and Peter have been laughing for 10 minutes can I hit them?_ **

_~_

**_(10:51am) Are you up yet?_ **

_(10:51am) Yeah_

**_(10:51am) How are you?_ **

_(10:51am) Not so well_

**_(10:51am) What’s wrong?_ **

_(10:52am) I don’t know… I’m just really sad and I feel so lonely and I’m having such a strong urge to hurt myself_

**_(10:52am) I’m so sorry about that, Remus. I really wish I could be with you. I love you so much and I will do everything for you. Whatever I can do to make you happy. Just tell me. And please don’t hurt yourself_ **

_(10:52am) I’m trying, I really am. And it sickens me how hard it is to not do it. I’m so fucked up, Sirius_

_(10:52am) Like I know that it’s a bad thing and that it’s not helping, but still the urge to do it is so strong_

_(10:52am) I’m terrified of myself and what I might do to myself if I lose control_

**_(10:53am) Remus please go tell your mother and don’t be alone right now, okay?_ **

**_(10:53am) You need someone to take care of you right now and as much as I wish I could be that someone, I’m too far away and can’t be with you right now_ **

**_(10:53am) Tell your mother you need support_ **

_(10:53am) I don’t know if I can_

_(10:53am) I can’t say those things out loud_

**_(10:54am) Just go and sit with her_ **

**_(10:54am) Let her hold you, if that comforts you_ **

**_(10:54am) Tell her you don’t want to talk, but you shouldn’t be alone right now_ **

_(10:54am) Okay_

**_(10:55am) If I could, I'd be there with you in a heartbeat. You know that, right?_ **

_(10:55am) Thank you_

**_(10:55am) I love you_ **

_(10:55am) I love you too_

_~_

**_(1:23pm) Are you feeling better?_ **

_~_

_(1:45pm) Not much, to be honest. But I'm with my Mom, so don't worry_

**_(1:45pm) Is there anything I can do to help you?_ **

_(1:45pm) Not really, but thank you_

**_(1:45pm) Of course_ **

**_~_ **

**_(4:07pm) Hey_ **

_(4:08pm) Hey_

**_(4:08pm) How are you doing?_ **

_(4:08pm) Slightly better_

_(4:08pm) How about you?_

**_(4:08pm) I'm fine, thanks_ **

**_(4:08pm) Also I'm glad you're doing better_ **

**_(4:09pm) I wish I could have done more for you_ **

_(4:09pm) Don’t worry about it. You really helped me a lot. Already knowing that you care means more to me than you could imagine_

**_(4:09pm) Of course I care. You're so incredibly important to me, Remus._ **

_(4:09pm) You're really important to me too_

**_(4:10pm) Also it's already October!! Soon we'll see us again!_ **

_(4:10pm) Yes!!!_

 

_October 4 th _

_(12:19am) You're probably still asleep, but I just miss you so much right now_

_(12:19am) I'm sorry I'm always whining and complaining lately but I just don’t know what else to do_

_(12:19am) I relapsed and self-harmed again and now I feel even worse about myself_

_(12:20am) I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself_

_(12:20am) I know exactly that it will only give me one brief moment of relief before it makes everything so much worse and yet I can't stop_

_(12:20am) There is something seriously wrong with me_

_(12:20am) I don’t know why I'm even alive_

_(12:20am) Sometimes I wish I would get run over by a car or I would fall down the stairs and break my neck just so I don’t have to do it by myself_

_(12:20am) My mind is trying to kill me_

_(12:21am) I always think it can't get any worse, but it always does_

_(12:21am) I don’t know how much longer I can do this_

_~_

**_(4:34am) Remus I'm so terribly sorry I wasn’t awake_ **

**_(4:34am) Please tell me you didn’t do anything harsh_ **

**_(4:34am) I love you so much and I wish I could take all this pain off you_ **

**_(4:34am) Please just hold on a little bit longer until we see us again, okay?_ **

**_(4:35am) Remus, I swear I love you so much and I can't imagine my life without you anymore_ **

**_(4:35am) I don’t care if everyone thinks I'm dramatic or exaggerating, I promise you, I'm not_ **

**_(4:35am) You can ask everyone around me how much I talk about you_ **

**_(4:36am) That you accidentally sent those messages to my number was the best thing that ever happened to me_ **

**_(4:36am) I meant it when I said that the best thing that ever happened to me was meeting you_ **

**_(4:37am) I love you, okay? So incredibly much_ **

**_(4:37am) Please let me know if you're alright_ **

_~_

_(5:54am) Thank you so much, Sirius. I'm really sorry I sent you those messages. I shouldn’t have bothered you with this stuff._

**_(5:54am) Remus!!_ **

**_(5:54am) You don’t have to apologise! You can always reach out to me. I'm so incredibly sorry I didn’t see your messages earlier_ **

_(5:54am) It's okay, don’t worry about it_

**_(5:54am) How are you feeling?_ **

_(5:54am) I'm alright. I just got back from the ER_

**_(5:55am) The ER? What happened?_ **

_(5:55am) I had to get some stitches_

**_(5:55am) Shit_ **

**_(5:55am) Are you sure you're okay now?_ **

_(5:55am) Yeah. They also gave me some sedatives, so I'm probably gonna fall asleep soon_

**_(5:56am) Okay, but I'm here if you need me_ **

_(5:56am) Thank you, Sirius_

**_(5:56am) I love you_ **

_(5:56am) I love you too_

_~_

**_(10:47am) By the way, Mum says she hopes you'll feel better soon and she sends her love._ **

**_(10:47am) Please don’t be mad, but I told her you were going through a tough time again because I was really worried when I saw your messages earlier_ **

_(10:48am) Tell her I said thank you_

_(10:48am) Also of course I'm not mad_

**_(10:48am) You're already up again?_ **

_(10:49am) Yeah, but at least I got a few hours of sleep_

**_(10:49am) How are you feeling?_ **

_(10:49am) I'm fine. Just a bit worn out_

**_(10:49am) Okay_ **

**_(10:49am) I'm here if you need me though_ **

_(10:50am) Thank you_

_~_

**_(3:19pm) I can't believe tomorrow's already Monday again_ **

_(3:19pm) Ugh, I know_

**_(3:20pm) I don’t want to go to school_ **

**_(3:20pm) I'm coming to your place to hide there_ **

_(3:20pm) Awesome_

**_(3:21pm) I'm swimming over right now_ **

**_(3:21pm) Make pizza for dinner_ **

_(3:21pm) Whatever you want_

**_(3:21pm) Ugh I wish it was really that easy for me to come to your place_ **

_(3:21pm) Me too_

**_(3:21pm) But only a little bit longer!!!_ **

**_(3:21pm) Which reminds me, have you looked up flights yet?_ **

_(3:22pm) I wanted to, but Mom said I have to wait until Dad gets back_

_(3:22pm) Don’t worry though, I'm definitely coming_

_(3:22pm) It's their own fault when the cheap flights are already gone by the time I can book them_

**_(3:22pm) Okay, no problem_ **

**_(3:22pm) Just tell me as soon as you know when you're gonna be here_ **

_(3:22pm) I will_

_~_

**_(6:19pm) Are you going to work tomorrow?_ **

_(6:19pm) Yeah, why?_

**_(6:19pm) I was just wondering. Because of last night_ **

_(6:19pm) Yeah, no I'm alright again. So I'm going_

**_(6:20pm) I'm really proud of you, Remus_ **

**_(6:20pm) You're so incredibly strong, I hope you know that_ **

**_(6:20pm) I'm off to sleep now though. We'll talk tomorrow, yeah? I love you_ **

_(6:21pm) Thank you, Sirius. And goodnight, I love you too_

 

_October 5 th _

**_(2:04am) I hope you have a great day at work today!!_ **

_~_

_(8:34am) Thank you!_

_~_

**_(10:05am) Hey hey hey_ **

**_(10:05am) A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?” The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”_ **

**_(10:05am) Also_ **

**_(10:06am) Sticks float. They would._ **

_~_

_(5:34pm) You're the worst_

**_(5:34pm) Remus!! You're back from work!!_ **

**_(5:34pm) How was your day?_ **

_(5:34pm) It was okay, until I read your puns_

**_(5:34pm) Rude_ **

**_(5:34pm) My jokes are great_ **

_(5:34pm) They're not_

_(5:34pm) Anyways, I'm really tired so I'm just gonna have dinner and then watch some TV. We'll talk tomorrow again, okay?_

**_(5:34pm) Sure! I wish you a nice rest of the evening and hope you sleep well_ **

_(5:34pm) Thank you. Goodnight, Sirius_

 

_October 6 th _

**_(2:14am) I HATE school_ **

**_(2:14am) I just want to sleep for 87540 hours_ **

**_(2:14am) Fuck this shit_ **

_~_

_(8:27am) I’m proud of you for still getting up and going there!!!_

_~_

**_(10:58am) I’m back home! Hallelujah_ **

_(10:59am) Yay! How was school?_

**_(10:59am) Boring_ **

**_(10:59am) How’s your day going?_ **

_(10:59am) It’s alright. I’m just really tired_

**_(11:00am) Did you get any sleep last night?_ **

_(11:00am) Yeah, but not very much_

**_(11:00am) What about your sleeping medication? Doesn’t that help anymore?_ **

_(11:02am) Not really. All that does lately is to get me into some kind of dozing half sleep with terrible nightmares, which is even worse than lying awake all night_

**_(11:02am) Did you tell your therapist or your doctor about that?_ **

_(11:02am) Yeah_

**_(11:02am) And they can't help?_ **

_(11:02am) It's a bit complicated at the moment_

**_(11:03am) Why?_ **

_(11:03am) It just is. I'd rather not talk about it._

**_(11:03am) Oh, okay. Sorry_ **

_(11:03am) You don’t have to apologise._

**_(11:03am) If there's anything I can do to help, let me know. I'm here for you, okay?_ **

_(11:03am) Thank you_

_~_

**_(2:17pm) Ew I have to write an essay rescue me please_ **

_(2:18pm) When does the essay have to be finished?_

**_(2:18pm) Tomorrow_ **

_(2:18pm) And how long have you known that?_

**_(2:18pm) A week_ **

_(2:18pm) And when did you start working on it?_

**_(2:19pm) … today_ **

_(2:19pm) Do you see where you went wrong?_

**_(2:19pm) Yep_ **

**_(2:19pm) I shouldn’t have told you. Cause you're always just being a smartass instead of helping me_ **

_(2:19pm) I'm not a smartass_

**_(2:19pm) Yes you are_ **

**_(2:19pm) Just feel sorry for me_ **

_(2:19pm) Okay_

**_(2:19pm) Thank you_ **

_~_

**_(6:34pm) I'm done!!! I probably would have finished much earlier, but I had to watch a TV show while doing it so..._ **

_(6:34pm) At least you did it!_

**_(6:34pm) Yes!!_ **

**_(6:35pm) I'm off to sleep now. Talk to you tomorrow_ **

_(6:35pm) Goodnight_

 

_October 7 th _

**_(2:13am) I WAS HAVING SUCH A GREAT DREAM_ **

**_(2:13am) AND THEN MY ALARM WENT OFF_ **

**_(2:13am) FUCK SCHOOL_ **

**_(2:13am) Uggghhhhhhhhhh_ **

_~_

_(6:09am) Aww_

_(6:09am) What did you dream about?_

_~_

**_(10:32am) You_ **

_(10:32am) Very funny_

**_(10:32am) I'm not joking_ **

**_(10:32am) You were visiting me again and it was amazing_ **

**_(10:32am) Best dream ever_ **

_(10:32am) Aw_

**_(10:33am) I miss you!!_ **

_(10:33am) I miss you too_

**_(10:34am) So, how are you today? Did you sleep last night?_ **

_(10:35am) Like two hours… and never more than like thirty minutes at once. So I’m really tired today…_

**_(10:35am) Oh no… I hope this will get better soon_ **

_(10:35am) Thank you_

_(10:35am) And how are you?_

**_(10:35am) I’m fine_ **

**_(10:35am) Still mad I didn’t get to finish that dream though_ **

_(10:36am) Aw_

**_(10:36am) How has it been going at work lately? Are you getting accustomed?_ **

_(10:36am) Yeah… it’s going fine. It’s still exhausting to be around people all day, but it’s getting easier as I get to know the people better_

**_(10:37am) Sounds good_ **

_(10:37am) Yeah_

_~_

**_(2:20pm) I just realised it’s only 1 ½ more weeks until my autumn holidays!_ **

**_(2:20pm) I’m sorry if I’m annoying you with this, but do you already know when you’ll come?_ **

_~_

_(3:43pm) I don’t know yet, I’m sorry, okay? I promise I’ll get back to you about this, but not right now_

**_(3:45pm) It’s alright, no stress. Are you okay though?_ **

_(3:45pm) Not really_

_(3:45pm) Don't worry though. I’ll be fine_

**_(3:45pm) Do you want to talk?_ **

_(3:45pm) It’s okay, I don't want to bother you with this_

**_(3:45pm) You don’t bother me. What’s wrong?_ **

_(3:47pm) I really don't know. I was alright this morning, but then I suddenly started to feel so terrible. I can’t stop crying and I’m shaking and I want to hurt myself so badly. I feel like no one cares about me and even when people say they do, I don't believe them. I’m just a waste of space and I only ever bother everyone around me. I would be better off dead_

**_(3:48pm) Remus, please don’t say this. I love you more than I could ever put into words, please please please believe me. You are so incredibly important to me and if I could take all this pain off you, believe me I would. I would do anything for you, Remus. Please stay strong just a little bit longer. Then we can see us again. Please, Remus. I love you, okay? I love you so much. I know it’s difficult right now and it’s not fair that you had to go through so much already and are still hurting, but I promise you it will get better. I promise you can get through this and things will get better. Just please hold on_ **

_(3:49pm) I’m sorry I’m such a burden, Sirius_

_(3:49pm) I should have never started to talk to you in the first place. I’m poison. I should just stay away from everyone_

**_(3:49pm) Please don’t think like this, Remus_ **

**_(3:49pm) Meeting you was the best thing that has ever happened to me_ **

**_(3:49pm) I love you, okay? I swear I really mean this_ **

**_(3:49pm) You’re no burden and you’re not poison_ **

**_(3:49pm) I love you so much_ **

**_(3:54pm) Remus?_ **

_(3:59pm) I can’t do this right now. I’m sorry. Thank you for trying to make me feel better, I really appreciate it, but I can’t do this right now. I have to go._

**_(3:59pm) Hold on_ **

**_(3:59pm) Remus, I need to know that someone is taking care of you_ **

_(4:00pm) My Mom is here_

**_(4:00pm) But is she with you?_ **

_(4:00pm) Yes_

**_(4:00pm) You promise?_ **

_(4:00pm) Yes_

**_(4:00pm) Alright_ **

**_(4:00pm) I love you, okay? Please take care of yourself and text me anytime you need me, okay?_ **

_(4:01pm) Yes_

**_(4:01pm) Good xxx_ **

_~_

**_(6:24pm) I’m heading off to bed, but I’m keeping my phone on, so don’t hesitate to text me, okay? I love you xxx_ **

_October 8 th _

**_(2:04am) I hope you’re feeling better today. I love you, Remus, okay? Don't forget that_ **

_(2:04am) Thank you, Sirius. I love you too_

**_(2:04am) Can’t sleep again?_ **

_(2:04am) Yeah_

**_(2:04am) I’m so sorry about that_ **

**_(2:04am) Take it easy today, yeah? Get some rest and take good care of you. I have to leave now but we’ll talk later again, okay?_ **

_(2:05am) Okay_

**_(2:05am) I love you_ **

_(2:05am) I love you too_

* * *

 

_(London time zone)_

_October 9 th_

(2:47am) Sirius, are you there?

*unanswered call 2:47am*

(2:48am) Sirius wake up, this is important

*unanswered call 2:48am*

*unanswered call 2:48am*

**_(2:50am) What’s going on, Lily?_ **

(2:50am) Remus’ parents just called me

(2:50am) He’s in the hospital. He tried to kill himself and the doctors say he might not make it


	26. Chapter 26

It was the middle of the night, and everyone was thought sleeping, when suddenly a loud scream tore through the house.

Euphemia bolted upright immediately and, admittedly to her surprise, Fleamont as well. They exchanged a quick glance before they both got out of bed and hurried to the boys’ room. Already when they approached it, they could hear Sirius yelling and sobbing and it sounded as if things were being thrown around.

“What is going on?” Fleamont asked when he opened the door.

“I don't know!” James was pale and looked just as shocked about Sirius’ outburst as his parents.

“Sirius, what happened?” Euphemia laid her hand on Sirius’ arm, trying to get him to stop tearing his own hair out. As if the touch had been a bolt of electricity, he turned around and started to stuff clothes in his backpack.

“Sirius, tell us what’s wrong.” Fleamont stepped up to him and grabbed his wrist, trying to get his attention. Sirius was still sobbing and as if a switch had been turned, he suddenly started yelling and shouting again, lashing out and nearly hitting Fleamont in the face.

James stepped forwards and wrapped his arms around Sirius to stop him before he hurt someone of his family – or himself. At first, Sirius fought against him, but then suddenly he sacked down on his knees and let out an agonising scream. James kneeled down with him, holding him tightly while Sirius sobbed against his shoulder. He looked at Euphemia, his eyes were a silent plea to _help Sirius_ ; it was obvious how much it hurt him to see his brother like this. – Because that was what Sirius always had been to him. It didn't matter that they weren't related by blood. Sirius was James’ brother and he was Fleamont and Euphemia’s son.

Euphemia didn't know what to do to help him, but then she saw Sirius’ phone lying on the bed, the display still glowing.

She _never_ invaded her sons’ privacy by reading their messages, but since Sirius usually always locked his phone when not in use, she thought that maybe someone had sent him a message that had caused this.

Slightly reluctant, she picked up the phone and took a look at the display. When she read the last message that had been sent to Sirius, she could feel the blood rush from her face and the phone slid out of her hand and dropped to the floor.

“Mum, what is it?” James asked, his eyes widened fearfully.

“It’s Remus,” she whispered, her voice not working properly. “He… tried to take his life. He’s in the hospital and they say it’s looking bad for him at the moment.”

Sirius cried out again and sobbed louder and his hands slid off James’ shoulders and tore at his own hair instead. But James immediately got a hold of Sirius’ wrists and stopped him.

“Sirius, look at me.” He was crying himself, but he managed to make his voice sound firm. “He’s gonna make it, Sirius. – Look at me. Please, look at me.” He laid his hands on Sirius’ tear-stained cheeks and forced him to look at him. “Remus is not going to die. He will be fine.”

“But what if not?” Sirius sobbed. “I have to be with him.”

Those words finally made Euphemia snap out of her trance. She looked over at her husband. “I’m going with him.”

He nodded and pulled her closer, pressing a kiss on her forehead. “I’m going to see what I can do about flights.”

The worry about Remus was clearly written in his face. He hadn't gotten to know Remus as well as Euphemia – and neither of them even remotely as well as James or let alone Sirius, but all of them loved Remus a lot.

“Sirius, did you hear that?” she asked softly, crouching down to him. “I’m coming with you. We’re flying to New York as soon as possible.”

Sirius wailed in relief and slung his arms around Euphemia’s neck.

“Thank you,” he sobbed.

“It’s okay.” She patted his back. “Fleamont is looking up flights as we speak, yeah? It’s gonna be alright. We’ll go see him.”

When she looked up at James, she could see that he really wanted to go as well. But she also knew that they barely would be able to afford two tickets – and there was no way they’d be able to pay for three.

“James, if you’d rather go with him instead of me…”

But James shook his head, smiling bravely even though he, too, was still crying. “It’s okay, Mum. Sirius needs you at the moment. Also I’m sure that me and Sirius alone would just get lost.”

Euphemia nodded and then took one hand off Sirius’ back and laid her arm around James. James sunk against her shoulder and wrapped his arms around her and Sirius.

 

They were lucky. Fleamont found them a flight to New York today at six pm.

Sirius was clearly relieved by this, even though he still couldn't stop crying. He was sitting on his bed, clutching Remus’ jumper and the leather cuff he had gotten from him against his chest. James sat next to him, hugging him and trying to calm him down.

Euphemia went downstairs with Fleamont for a moment, to talk to him. It was already past six am, they all had been up half of the night. Fleamont would soon have to leave for work and he would make sure to call the boys’ school to excuse both of them for a couple of days. Even if James stayed here, under these circumstances, he should decide for himself if he felt up to it or if he wanted to stay home. 

“I’m going to get ready for work now and I’ll be back at four to drive you to the airport, okay? But if you need me to come back sooner, just call me and I will be on my way back.”

“Thank you.”

Fleamont pulled her against his chest and hugged her tightly. “I love you, okay? And the boy’s going to be fine. He’s strong. He’s a fighter.”

Euphemia nodded. God knew, Remus was strong. He had been through so much. Euphemia had seen the scars on his arms and he had told her about the sexual assault, but one look in his eyes was enough to know that this was just the tip of the iceberg. He had seen more pain than anyone should ever see in their life. But Fleamont was also right with the second part. Remus was a fighter. He could survive this.

Euphemia made some tea for her and the boys and after Fleamont left, she went back upstairs. Sirius and James both were still crying; James kept whispering _he’s gonna make it, Sirius, it’s gonna be okay_ , but Sirius didn’t seem to hear him at all.

“Fleamont is calling your school,” Euphemia said when she sat down next to them and placed the mugs on the nightstand. “He’s excusing both of you for a couple of days.”

“Thank you, Mum.” James nodded thankfully.

She forced herself to a small smile, before her eyes dropped to Sirius again. “Sirius, dear,” she said softly, trying to get his attention. “We’re driving off at four this afternoon, okay?”

Sirius didn’t react, but James asked her, “Can I come with you to the airport?”

“Of course, James. - Also, do any of you know how to contact Remus' parents? We need to tell them we're coming.”

“I’ll text Lily, I’m sure she can help us,” James said.

“Thank you.” Euphemia took over to hold and comfort Sirius, while James messaged Lily.

It didn’t take him long to get a phone number of Remus’ parents. Euphemia went to call them and tell them that they were flying over. She talked to Remus’ father, who seemed very surprised by this, but immediately promised her to pick them up at the airport.

~

It was a long day, that seemed almost impossible to get through. They were in constant contact with Lily and Remus’ parents, but Remus’ condition stayed critical. Sirius didn't stop crying for hours and he refused to talk or eat. At least James managed to get him to drink some tea.

Euphemia packed the necessities for her and Sirius in two backpacks, while James made sure that Sirius got dressed and so when Fleamont came to pick them up at four, they were ready to leave.

The drive to the airport went by in silence. Sirius had stopped crying by now, he was leaning against James’ shoulder and stared blankly ahead.

“I’m staying in contact with Lily, but still, let me know if anything happens, okay?” James said to Sirius when they were saying goodbye.

Sirius just nodded and then hugged James tightly.

“It’s gonna be okay, Pads. I love you, alright?”

Sirius nodded again and tightened the hug for a moment, before he stepped back to hug his father.

“Take care of yourself, okay, James?” Euphemia said then to him. “And you don’t have to go back to school if you don’t feel up to it. I will call you as soon as I can. I love you.”

“I love you too, Mum.”

When they had all said goodbye to each other, Euphemia and Sirius went along to get through the security and then to their gate. She more or less had to drag Sirius along with herself because he was lost somewhere deep in his thoughts.

 

They were up to a long journey. They hadn’t been able to get direct flights and would have to stop in Warsaw, which Euphemia was already dreading. Especially because they didn’t have a lot time to get to the next plane.

Sirius was sitting next to her, his head leaning against her shoulder and he was holding her hand with both of his. The first hour passed in silence again, but then Sirius lifted his head and looked at her.

“What if he doesn’t make it, Mum?” he whispered fearfully.

“Don’t say that, Sirius. He will be fine.”

“But what if not?” Tears welled up in his reddened eyes. “It’s all my fault, Mum. I knew he was having a rough time again. I should have flown over much sooner. He’s gonna die and it’s all my fault.”

“It’s not your fault, Sirius. Don’t do this to yourself, please.“

“I love him, Mum.” Sirius leaned his head against her shoulder and started crying again. “I love him so much.”

“I know, Sirius. I know you do. And it will be fine, okay? Everything’s gonna be alright.”

They had just enough time to check in with James when they were in Warsaw, but there weren’t any news about Remus yet. The second flight from Warsaw to New York was even worse. The time seemed to stand still while they were trapped in there.

But even when every second felt like hours, time did pass and so eventually they landed in New York. They had been travelling for over fifteen hours, but because of the time difference it was only five thirty am here. The airport was terribly crowded, but they were lucky and found Lyall fast. When he greeted them, his eyes dropped to the jumper Sirius was wearing and he seemed to recognise it as Remus’.

“Thank you so much for picking us up,” Euphemia said as she shook his hand.

“Are there any news about Remus?” Sirius asked – the first time he’d spoken in over ten hours.

“Sirius, please don’t attack him like this.”

“It’s alright.” Lyall smiled softly, but his eyes still looked sad. “There haven't been any changes yet. It’s still… very critical.”

Sirius nodded and clenched his jaw, lowering his head.

Lyall drove them to the hospital in his car. It took them another forty-five minutes to get there. They followed him through the building to Remus’ room. His wife was waiting outside in the hallway for them.

She introduced herself to Euphemia and Sirius, but Sirius didn’t react, instead he was just staring at the door behind her.

Hope smiled understandingly and opened the door, so they could enter. Sirius hesitated, clinging to Euphemia’s arm before he followed her inside. His eyes fell on Remus who was lying still and pale on the bed and suddenly his knees gave in and he collapsed.

* * *

 

Sirius woke up and was blinded by the whiteness around him. He could hear his mum saying his name, but his head seemed to be packed in cotton.

“Sirius, dear, can you hear me?” This time it sounded clearer. He slowly turned his head and looked at her. “Where am I?”

“We’re in New York, Sirius, you’re in the hospital.”

And suddenly everything crashed down on him again.

Remus.

He snapped up into a sitting position and hadn’t it been for his mother holding him, would have fallen down again right away.

“Sirius, you need to take it slow.”

“I need to see him!”

“Please, Sirius.” She tightened her grip and pushed him down on his back again. “Just listen to me for a moment.”

Sirius sighed, but then leaned back.

“Remus is in the room right next to you, okay? You passed out when we got here and were unconscious for almost three hours. Remus is still not over the hill, but his values got slightly better.”

Sirius stared blankly at his mother, trying to comprehend her words and why there was a hopeful undertone in her voice. _His values got slightly better._ It meant nothing. Nothing, when Remus still was dying. Sirius was going to lose him. He was going to lose Remus and he would go down with him.

“I need to see him.”

His mum nodded. “But you have to eat something first.”

“I’m not hungry,” Sirius refused.

“Look, the nurse said when you wake up and ate something you can go and see him. But if you won’t eat, then you’re not leaving this bed.”

“God _dammit_.”

“Sirius, please. Language.”

Sirius suppressed another curse and then took the sandwich his mother offered him and started eating. It tasted like sand and his mind was constantly circling around Remus in the other room. Even though he’d only seen him for a second before he’d passed out, he could still see Remus’ pale and dead looking face in front of his inner eye.

When he was done eating, his mum gave him a bottle of water and Sirius only sighed before he took it and drank from it.

“Can I go see him now?”

“Yes.”

Sirius swung his legs over the edge of the bed and stood up. For a moment everything around him started to tip, but when his mum held his arm, it steadied again. She led him out of his room and over to Remus’.

Remus’ parents were sitting next to his bed, so he couldn’t see him. When they heard Sirius and his mother enter, Hope and Lyall turned around and looked at them.

“You’re up again,” Remus’ mother said and smiled lightly.

“How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine,” Sirius said tonelessly. His eyes met Lyall’s for a moment and suddenly he was struck by how much they looked like Remus’.

There were features in both of his parents’ faces that Remus carried, but those eyes hit Sirius like a punch in the face.

He felt his mother’s presence close behind him when he slowly stepped forward towards the bed, her hand lightly resting on his back, as if she was afraid he would pass out again. But he wasn’t this lucky a second time. Instead he stood there next to the hospital bed, staring down at Remus’ unconscious face, while he felt as if he was being gutted alive. He felt a sharp and burning pain radiating from his chest through his whole body and he just wanted to scream and throw things and break something, but his body was frozen. He stood there, not moving a single muscle while his eyes were fixed on Remus’ pale face. The heart monitor beeped steadily in the background, and it might or might not just be because Sirius was so worried about Remus, but he felt like it was way too slow.

When his eyes finally drifted away from Remus’ face and Sirius could see the whole image, he saw that both of Remus’ arms were wrapped in bandages and behind the neckline of the hospital gown, there were big adhesive plasters that seemed to cover most of his chest.

“Sirius, why don’t you sit down?” Lyall stood up and offered Sirius his chair. At first, Sirius wanted to shake his head, but when he saw how worried Remus’ parents and his own mother were looking at him, he sank down on the chair. Mum handed him a bottle of water and her facial expression made clear that she wouldn’t accept a no. So Sirius lifted the bottle to his lips and drank a few sips, even though it made him feel like he was going to be sick.

 

Sirius didn’t leave Remus' side for the whole day. His mind was running like crazy, but was blank at the same time. It didn’t make any sense. He couldn’t grasp what had happened, but at the same time it felt too real and too intense. He couldn’t believe that it was actually a possible outcome that Remus would not survive this, but also didn’t dare to hope for the opposite.

He was scared and sad and tired and hurt.

His mother made him eat and drink something a few times and told him that she'd talked to James and that Lily was at their place. She hadn't been able to fly to New York but had wanted to be with someone who knew Remus too, so she had asked James if she could stay at their place for a bit.

Sirius was glad to know that neither Lily nor James had to be alone right now, but he couldn’t pull himself together enough to actually take out his phone and text one of them. Instead he just kept sitting there, holding Remus' hand.

“Sirius.”

Sirius winced when he suddenly felt his mother's hand on his shoulder and looked at her. “What?”

“Lyall and Hope offered us to stay at their place for the night. I think we should go and lie down for a while.”

Panic flared up inside of him at the thought of having to leave Remus and he shook his head vehemently. “No. You can’t make me leave him.” He shook his head again. “I’m not leaving him.”

“Sirius, please.” She laid her hand on his. “You need to get some sleep. They live close to the hospital and if there are any news about Remus, we will know immediately.”

“I can’t leave him, Mum.” Sirius felt his chest tightening with fear. “What if something happens while I’m gone?” Tears burned in his eyes. “I can’t leave him alone.”

“I know you’re afraid, dear.” His mother pulled him closer and hugged him gently. “But you need to take care of yourself, okay? Remus is in safe hands here. People are taking very good care of him, okay? Please, let’s just go with Lyall and Hope so you can get some rest. We will be back first thing tomorrow morning, I promise.”

Sirius looked at Remus, but when his mother plead again, he sighed and eventually nodded. “Alright.” He gently kissed Remus’ temple before they stood up and left the room.

* * *

 

For the first time in his life, Sirius truly understood what must have gone on inside of Remus all those times he had hurt himself.

He was standing in the Lupin’s luxurious bathroom, blankly staring at the shower in front of him, but not able to pull himself together enough to actually take off his clothes and step inside it. Everything just hurt so much. He was so scared of losing Remus. He couldn’t imagine a life without him anymore.

Sirius didn’t care if he was being dramatic. He didn’t care if he just sounded like every other teenager who had ever been in love. He _loved_ Remus. And he needed him.

His chest was in burning pain and his mind wouldn’t stop circling around the thought of Remus dying. Sirius wanted to scream and tear his hair out, scratch off his face, cut himself, burn himself... _Anything_ , just turn this terrible pain he felt on the inside into something physical, something easier to deal with.

But he didn't.

He remembered all the times Remus had talked about this. How it only made everything worse. And he knew how much it hurt him whenever he thought about Remus hurting himself. He couldn’t start with this.

He _wouldn’t._

Instead, he forced himself to just _function_. He took off his clothes with robotic movements and stepped in the shower, turning on the water.

When he finished showering, he dried himself off and put on a pair of sweatpants and a shirt his mother had packed for him.

Remus’ parents, as well as his mother were in the living room. Mum smiled lightly at him when she noticed him and opened her arms invitingly. Sirius stepped closer and wrapped his arms tightly around her waist, burying his face in the crook of her neck.

“Sirius, if you want to, you can stay in Remus’ room,” Lyall offered. “I’m sure he won’t mind.”

Sirius shook his head. He was convinced that if he would actually enter Remus’ room, he would completely break down.

“Okay.” Lyall nodded understandingly. “I’ll show you the guest room then.”

He went ahead and Sirius and his mother followed him.

“We can give you both a separate room if you’d like that,” Lyall said as he opened the door. Mum looked questioningly at Sirius, who shook his head hastily. He didn’t want to be alone right now.

“Alright. Make yourselves at home. If you need anything, just ask.” Lyall smiled softly at them, before he turned around and went back to his wife.

Sirius entered the room and sank down on the bed, staring at his hands. Water dribbled down from his hair over his neck and face, but he didn’t care to wipe it off.

Suddenly though, his mother was standing next to him and gently started to dry his hair with a towel. In retrospect, Sirius realised that she’d probably gone to the bathroom to get it.

“You don’t have to do this.” He reached out to grab the towel, but his mum shook her head.

“It’s okay, dear. I’m taking care of you, okay?”

“Thank you, Mum.”

When she finished drying off his hair, Sirius turned around and leaned against her shoulder, hugging her tightly. She returned the embrace and pressed a kiss on top of his head.

“What if he doesn’t make it, Mum?” he whispered fearfully.

“He will be okay, Sirius. I’m sure he will.”

“But how can you be sure?” Sirius felt tears welling up in his eyes and the pain in his chest got worse. “I’m so scared of losing him.”

“Sirius, he’s not going to die,” his mum said, but her voice was shaking too.

“If he does, it’s my fault.” Sirius couldn’t stop himself from starting to sob again. “It’s all my fault.”

“Don’t say this, Sirius, please.” His mum hugged him tighter. “It’s not your fault.”

“Yes, it is!” Sirius cried out. “I knew he was doing worse again, I knew he was having a hard time! I should have flown over much sooner. It’s all my fault.”

“Sirius, please, don’t do this to yourself.” Mum held him tightly and pressed a kiss on top of his head. “It’s not your fault, okay? It’s not your fault.”

“I can’t lose him, Mum,” Sirius choked out, “I can’t live without him.”

“You won’t have to, Sirius. He will be fine.”

“I’m so scared.”

“I know.” She stroke his hair and tightened the hug for a moment. “I know you are, but it’s okay. Everything will be fine, okay?”

 Sirius clung onto his mother’s shoulders and buried his face in her neck, not able to stop crying. He felt as if he was fourteen again, right after his parents had kicked him out. He was scared and terrified and just wanted to escape all of this by having someone take care of him.

And Euphemia was there. She was there for him like she’d always been ever since they met. Much more than Sirius’ biological mother had ever been.

She was there for him and held him while he couldn’t stop crying and the pain in his heart got worse and worse along with the images of Remus dying he couldn’t stop thinking about.

He needed Remus to live. He needed Remus to wake up again. He just needed Remus.

 

 


	27. Chapter 27

“Sirius.”

He could feel his mother’s hands on his shoulder shaking him lightly. Yawning he turned on his back and rubbed over his eyes, blinking against the blinding light. For a moment he was confused about where he was, but then he remembered. He snapped up in a sitting position, his eyes widening fearfully.

“Did something happen to him?”

“No. No, Sirius.” His mother laid her hands on his shoulders to calm him down. Just then he realised that there was a light smile on her lips. “Sirius, Remus is alright! He’s over the hill and he even woke up for a few minutes this morning.”

“What?” Relief streamed through Sirius and for the first time since he had received Lily’s text message he felt like he could breathe again. “He woke up? We have to go to the hospital!” He wanted to jump up, but his mother held him down.

“Please, just hold on for a moment, okay?”

“Fine.” When Sirius sat still again, his mother sat down next to him.

“Lyall and Hope went back to the hospital early this morning. Apparently, Remus was already doing a lot better than last night and then he actually woke up. He fell asleep again after a couple of minutes, but the doctors say he will be alright for sure.”

Remus was going to be alright! He was going to live! Sirius’ heart was pounding fast in his chest and once again he could feel tears welling up in his eyes when the realisation truly hit him. His mother hugged him tightly and pressed a kiss on his temple.

They both got dressed and fifteen minutes later they were on the way to the hospital. Apparently Hope had told Sirius’ mother where to go and had given her money for a taxi. Sirius could see how uncomfortable she felt when she mentioned this. She didn’t like to accept money from others. But at the same time, because of the cost of the plane tickets, they really had to be money–conscious now. Which was why she had accepted it, albeit reluctantly.

Sirius had been saving up his own money for plane tickets to go see Remus, but he would give at least a part of it to his parents to make up for this big expense. They weren’t poor, not at all, but two last minute tickets to New York (or… you know, actually four, since they would have to get back home somehow too) did cost quite a lot.

They got to the hospital and when they saw Lyall and Hope it was as if they were two completely different people than yesterday. They both smiled widely when Sirius and his mother entered the room – not the same forced smiles like yesterday, but real and genuine ones – the relief about Remus being okay was clearly written all over their faces.

Sirius sat down on the same place as he’d sat yesterday, carefully taking Remus’ hand in his again. He was so incredibly relieved that Remus was going to be alright, but nevertheless he knew that this unsettling feeling wouldn’t fully go away until Remus was out of here again.

He didn’t contribute to the conversation, but he listened to Remus’ parents and his mother talk. Apparently Remus had woken up this morning shortly after seven. The doctors had asked him a few questions and his parents had briefly talked to him before he’d fallen asleep again. He was still very weak, but the doctors had said that they had no doubt that he would be up again soon.

Sirius enclosed Remus’ hand with both of his and stroke the back of Remus’ hand with his thumb – careful to not touch the infusion because quite honestly alone the sight of it made him cringe and he was terribly afraid of somehow hurting Remus by touching this thing or moving his hand too much. The hospital bed was quite high, so he could comfortably lean forward and rest his arms on the mattress. Still holding Remus’ hand, he closed his eyes for a while, trying to forget where they were for a while.

He hadn’t gotten a lot of sleep last night. Most of the time he’d spent clinging onto his mother’s arm, wishing he could somehow turn off his brain for a few hours. Eventually he had fallen asleep for a while, but it hadn’t been more than maybe two or three hours before his mum had woken him up again.

He didn’t fall asleep or even doze off, but somehow just resting his head on his forearms holding Remus’ hand was a lot more recovering than the actual sleep he’d gotten last night had been.

At around noon, his mother and Hope went downstairs to the cafeteria to get all of them something small to eat. At first, Sirius and Lyall just said silently next to each other, Sirius looking at Remus and Lyall out of the window behind the bed.

“I don’t think you can imagine how much it means to all of us that you and your mother flew over,” Lyall said then after a while. Sirius turned his head and looked at him for a moment, not really sure what he should say to this.

“When Remus first told me and Hope about you, I was worried, of course. You were a stranger, he’d never seen you before and then he just flew over to be with you, lying to me and his mother about where he was. What if something bad had happened?”

Sirius blushed deeply, he was kind of afraid Lyall’s next words were gonna be something along the lines of  ‘as soon as all of this here is over I want you to stay away from my son’, but instead, Lyall smiled lightly.

“Nevertheless, it was obvious how important it was to him that my wife and I wouldn’t have a bad image of you. How important you are to him.”

Sirius smiled and reached out to brush a hand through Remus’ hair. “He’s incredibly important to me too.”

“Yeah, I can see that.” Lyall leaned back in his chair and for a few seconds he just looked at Sirius. “I’m glad to know he has you,” he said then and stood up. “And, you know, of course the usual, if you hurt him, I will end you.” Even though he said it in a joking tone of voice and grinned at Sirius, Sirius didn’t doubt for a second that this was absolutely true.

“I could never hurt him.”

“Good.” Lyall patted his shoulder. “I’ll just be in the bathroom for a second,” he said then and left the room.

Sirius rested his chin on his arms again and gave Remus’ hand a light squeeze. Remus’ parents were so completely different than he’d thought they would be. He had known that Remus loved them a lot, but sometimes from what he’d told Sirius about them – them being away all the time, them not having noticed what was happening to their child for so long – he’d imagined them a lot more distant. However, Sirius was glad that he’d been wrong about that.

He was so immersed in his thoughts, that when Remus’ hand twitched lightly for the first time, he was almost sure that he’d imagined it. But then Remus frowned and groaned quietly, turning his head to the other side.

In this moment, his mother and Hope entered the room, chatting with each other. Sirius couldn’t tear his eyes off Remus for even a second, so he just shushed at them. He gave Remus’ hand a light squeeze.

“Remus, baby, can you hear me?” he asked quietly.

Another unintelligible sound came from Remus and he turned his head back towards Sirius, frowning more deeply, but his eyes still closed. He sighed deeply and his face relaxed again and Sirius thought he was sleeping deeply again. But then Remus blinked slowly and opened his eyes.

For a moment his eyes looked unfocused and he was just staring blankly ahead, but then he blinked again and slowly raised his eyes until they met Sirius’. A wide smile appeared on Sirius’ lips and he could have started bawling on instant, he was so relieved and happy about this, but he suppressed it. Remus’ breath hitched in his throat and his eyes widened, before they fluttered between Sirius and both of their mothers in the background back and forth. Sirius could hear the heart monitor in the background speed up immediately and Remus opened his mouth as if he was about to say something, but then he started to cry.

Sirius laid his free hand gently on Remus’ cheek and wiped away his tears. “It’s okay, Remus. Shhh,” he said softly.

“Sirius,” Remus choked out. “You– you–”

“I’m here, Remus.” Sirius smiled softly at him and leaned forward to kiss him on the cheek. “It’s okay.”

Probably alarmed through the high speed of the heart monitor, a nurse came in to check on Remus. But he ignored her, his eyes stayed fixed on Sirius and he was still crying.

“Remus, please you need to calm down,” Sirius repeated the words of the nurse when Remus didn’t listen to her. “Everything’s alright, yeah? Just take a deep breath.”

Remus nodded and forced himself to breathe deeply and a few minutes later, he managed to calm down again and stop crying. When the nurse left the room and Sirius looked after her, he saw that Lyall had returned as well and he felt as if he’d have to get up to let them be with Remus, but both of them shook their head lightly and waved off. Smiling thankfully at them, Sirius turned back around to Remus.

“I can’t believe you’re here,” Remus whispered.

“Of course I’m here, Remus.” Sirius lifted Remus’ hand to his lips and pressed a soft kiss on the back of it. “I love you, Remus.”

“I love you, too!” Tears welled up in Remus’ eyes again. “I love you, Sirius, okay? I’m so sorry, I–”

“Shh,” Sirius interrupted him softly. “You don’t have to apologise.”

“But I– I’m so sorry,” Remus hiccupped. “I– I fucked up, I’m so sorry, Sirius.”

“It’s okay, Remus.” Sirius kissed Remus’ hand again. “Don’t apologise. Nobody is reproaching you.”

Remus hand squeezed Sirius’ tightly. “I love you so much, Sirius,” he whispered. “Thank you so much for being here.”

“Of course, Remus.” Sirius smiled softly.

Remus looked past Sirius for a moment and then Sirius’ mother stepped up behind him.

“It’s so good to see you awake, Remus,” she said and smiled at him.

“Thank you so much for coming here. And I’m so incredibly sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologise, Remus.” She reached out and took his hand. “Lily is at our place right now and she wants you to know that she’s sorry she couldn’t fly over and that she loves you a lot, okay? Also James and Fleamont send their best wishes and their love.”

“Thank you so much.”

Sirius could see tears welling up in Remus’ eyes again and he leaned forward and kissed him softly. “We all love you so much, okay?”

Mum stood up and laid a hand on Sirius’ shoulder. “Why don’t we give Remus some time with his parents, Sirius?”

Sirius’ jaw clenched and in the same moment Remus’ eyes widened fearfully. “Don’t leave!” he protested.

“We’re not leaving, Remus,” Mum said softly. “We’re just gonna go outside for a little.”

“But you’ll be back,” he said, frowning lightly.

“Of course.”

“Good.”

Sirius leaned forward to kiss Remus again, before he stood up and reluctantly followed his mother. He knew that it was only fair to give Remus’ parents some time with him, but still. He didn’t want to leave Remus’ side.

He and his mother went downstairs to the cafeteria where she gave him the sandwich she’d bought him before.

“I talked with Fleamont today,” she said then.

Sirius froze; he knew that this had something to do with their flights back. He didn’t want to think about this. He didn’t want to leave again.

“We’re flying back Wednesday afternoon.”

Sirius put down the sandwich and stared down at the table, clenching his hands to fists.

“Sirius, I know it’s difficult for you to think about leaving again,” his mother said softly and reached out to take his hand. Sirius flinched back from her touch.

“I’m not leaving him.”

She sighed quietly. “Sirius, please listen to me. You have to come back home. I know you want to be with Remus and I know you want to protect him, okay? I understand you, believe me, I do, but it doesn’t work like this. You have to go back home and go back to school.

“I don’t give a fuck about school.”

“Sirius, please. Look, I talked to Hope and she said that Remus will have to go to a mental hospital for a while, but you can come visit him as soon as he’s back home.”

“I’m _not leaving_ ,” Sirius repeated stubbornly.

“Please, just be reasonable. You can’t stay, Sirius. Remus will be fine, people are taking care of him and you can come back and visit him again soon.”

“That’s what everyone said the last time!” Sirius knew that he was being too loud, but he didn’t care. “Everyone said he was gonna be fine and now look where we are!” he yelled. “Everyone told me not to worry and look what the _fuck_ happened! I’m _not. Fucking. Leaving._ ”

His mother stood up and gave the nurse who had come to tell Sirius to quiet down and apologising smile before Sirius could tell her to fuck off and then grabbed Sirius’ arm and pulled him outside.

“Sirius, listen to me,” she said as soon as they were outside on the terrace. Because of the cold weather, no one else was out here. “I know what happened is terrible and I understand that you’re worried and–”

“No!” he interrupted her, still yelling. “You _don’t_ understand. I’m _not leaving_. I don’t give a fuck about school or anything else I’m not leaving him!”

“Sirius–”

“ _No!_ ” he shouted, tears welling up in his eyes again. “I can’t leave him. I can’t risk this again. I can’t risk losing him. I can’t live without him and I _won’t._ ”

“Please, Sirius.” She reached out for his arm, but Sirius pulled back and turned around.

“Don’t touch me! I’m not leaving. I’m _not_ leaving!” Sirius felt his control over himself slipping, he kept shouting, kept repeating that he _wasn’t leaving_ , didn’t stop shouting, not even when he started to cry, until everything around him started to blur and he started to hyperventilate, nearly suffocating on his own sobs. His mouth opened in a silent cry but there was no more air left inside of him. He felt his knees collapsing with the pavement beneath him and everything went black.

* * *

 

For the second time in the same amount of days, Euphemia sat on a chair next to her son lying unconscious in a hospital bed. Already alarmed through his shouting, a nurse had been near when Sirius had collapsed, and had instantly taken care of him.

Remus didn’t know what had happened. Euphemia had went back to his room briefly after the doctors had assured her that Sirius was alright, but by then Remus had been asleep again. Lyall and Hope had told her that he’d been asking about what took Sirius so long though.

Remus’ parents had offered to let Sirius stay with them for a while, but it just wasn’t that easy. First of all, Remus wouldn’t even be home for the next few weeks, also what about school? Sirius and James both were already one year behind because they’d had to repeat seventh grade. Not that they weren’t smart enough, they just didn’t care. Although James’ grades had gotten a lot better since that, it had quite shocked him to actually have to repeat a year. Not Sirius though. He was a smart boy and would he just put a little bit of effort in his school work, he would definitely be able to be one of the best, but he just didn’t care. But even if he didn’t care, it was important for him to graduate.

Euphemia understood that he wanted to stay with Remus, she really did but she also couldn’t just let him throw everything away.

However, they would have to discuss this when Sirius woke up again.

Which didn’t happen for a few more hours. 

When he did wake up eventually, the nurse insisted that he had to take it slow, ignoring Sirius’ insults and curses and just waving off when Euphemia apologised and tried to explain his behaviour.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Sirius growled when Euphemia looked at him reproachfully after he’d told the nurse to ‘fuck off’ when she’d told him to just stay in bed and that she’d be back again later to see how he was doing.

“That was awful of you, Sirius.” Euphemia shook her head lightly. “They’re just making sure you’re okay. They’re trying to help. That’s not something you have to insult them for.”

“I don’t give a fuck. I just want to see Remus.”

“I know you do, Sirius. But you have to take care of yourself too.”

Sirius rolled his eyes and then turned his back towards Euphemia.

“Fine, then be mad at me. But you’re still not leaving this bed until the doctor says it’s okay.”

Sirius didn’t answer.

~

When the doctor eventually gave his okay, not without urging Sirius to take care of himself and to try to stay calm and giving him something that would help him sleep tonight, Euphemia and Sirius went back to Remus’ room. He was up and had – as it looked – been impatiently waiting for Sirius.

Euphemia and Remus’ parents sat down at the small table in the corner of the room while Sirius was at Remus’ side and they were talking quietly.

“So have you talked to Sirius again about leaving?” Hope asked her.

“No, not yet.” Euphemia sighed. “It’s not gonna be easy.”

“Remus isn’t very fond of having to go back to the clinic either,” Lyall sighed. “But regarding his current state, it would be a too high risk to just take him back home. He has to go there. At least for a few weeks.”

“I’m sure it will do him good.”

Hope nodded. “And of course, as soon as he’s back, Sirius can come to visit him. They just have to be patient for a little bit.”

Euphemia nodded, sighing quietly and looked over to Sirius and Remus. Remus had moved to the very edge of the bed and his head was resting against Sirius’ arm and their fingers were intertwined. It was not fair that they had to live so far apart and even less that they had to go through so much pain.

It definitely wasn’t going to be easy. Especially not for the next couple of weeks. But Euphemia had no doubts that Remus and Sirius could make it through this.

* * *

 

Even though Sirius hated to be away from Remus over night, with the knowledge that Remus was at no more risk, that he would be fine and with the help of the pills the doctor had given him, Sirius finally got a full night of sleep again.

The next day when his mum woke him up, they ate breakfast together with Remus’ parents before they drove to the hospital.

Remus was awake when they got there and he’d just finished breakfast as well, even though, how Sirius noticed with a frown, the food on the tray looked more or less untouched when the nurse carried it away.

Sirius sat down on the chair next to Remus’ bed and leaned over to kiss him gently. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay,” he said, but then he wrinkled his nose. “They won’t let me go out on the terrace to smoke though. They say I’m not allowed to leave the bed yet. Not even if a nurse came with me.”

“Just be patient.” Sirius took his hand and pressed a kiss on his knuckles. “I’m sure you’ll be out of here soon.”

“Actually, we’d like to talk to you two about that,” Lyall said.

Sirius’ jaw clenched, he knew that this would be about him leaving. Remus didn’t look very enthusiastic either.

Remus’ parents and Sirius’ mother grabbed the chairs that stood around the table in the corner and pulled them closer to the bed before they sat down.

“Remus’ doctor said that they will let him out tomorrow,” Lyall began then. “Remus, you know that you’ll have to go back to the clinic for a while though.”

Remus pressed his lips together and lowered his gaze, but didn’t say anything.

“I know you don’t want to be away from home, but it’s for the best. Your mother and I can’t give you the support you need at the moment. It won’t be for as long as the last time. A few weeks, maybe a month.”

When neither Remus nor Sirius said anything, Euphemia took the word. “Sirius, you and me will fly back home on Wednesday. As soon as Remus gets home from the clinic, you can fly over to visit him, okay?”

Sirius didn’t say anything and for a couple of minutes it was quiet.

“Can I go home before I go to the clinic?” Remus asked then. “Tomorrow, I mean. Since- since Sirius is staying until Wednesday.”

Sirius looked up hopefully, but Lyall shook his head. “The hospital is making the admission to the clinic,” he explained. “So you have to get there directly from here.”

“Oh.” Remus lowered his head disappointed and Sirius could see tears glistening in his eyes.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Sirius said softly and forced himself to a smile, even though he too felt like crying. “I’ll come there with you, to say goodbye. – That’s okay, isn’t it? We can do that, right?” He turned to look questioningly at Lyall.

“Of course.” Lyall nodded.

“You see?” Sirius turned back to Remus. “It’s gonna be okay. I’ll come with you to say goodbye and when you get out, I’ll come back here, yeah?”

Remus nodded, even though he didn’t look very convinced. Sirius pulled him closer and pressed a kiss on his cheek. His mother smiled thankfully at him, but Sirius didn’t react to it. He just turned away again to hold Remus. Just because he tried to keep up a façade to make this easier for Remus, didn’t mean that he agreed even the slightest bit.

“I’m gonna miss you so much,” Remus murmured, his fingers clenching around Sirius’ hand.

“I’m gonna miss you too.” Sirius kissed his temple. “But we can do this, okay? Just a few weeks and I’ll be here again.”

Remus sighed, but then nodded as he leaned against Sirius and pressed a kiss against his jaw.

~

At first, the day went quite well. Remus and Sirius had a skype call with Lily – she’d returned to Brighton yesterday evening, because she couldn’t afford to miss school at the moment – but in the afternoon, after the doctor had taken a look at Remus’ injuries (Sirius hadn’t asked for details, but he knew that Remus had cut himself quite badly, all over his arms, his chest and his thighs) Remus’ mood dropped. Sirius tried to make him feel better, but then let it be when Remus told him that he just needed some time right now.

Of course it was understandable that after what had happened, it would take a lot of time and good care for Remus to feel better and more stable again. And as much as Sirius loathed the thought of having to leave him again so soon, he knew that it was for Remus’ best to go back to the clinic.

They spent the afternoon mostly in silence, because Remus didn’t want to talk. Still, Sirius could feel that Remus was glad to have him around. Every now and then, Remus brushed his fingers through Sirius’ hair or gave his hand a light squeeze.

But then the evening came again and Sirius’ heart hurt when he realised that tomorrow, he would already have to say goodbye to Remus again.

“Sirius, hold on a moment, please,” Remus said after he’d said goodnight to his parents and Sirius’ mother and they were about to leave the room.

“We’ll wait by the car,” Hope said and smiled lightly at Sirius and Remus before they left the room and closed the door behind them.

Remus sighed deeply and leaned against Sirius’ shoulder, pressing a kiss against his jaw.

“Are you alright?” Sirius asked him, laying his arms around him.

“I’m gonna miss you a lot. And... I know from the last time that being there is gonna cost me a lot of strength. But it’s also gonna help me and the people there take very good care of me. So don’t worry too much if sometimes I sound a little hopeless, okay?”

Sirius nodded, even though he knew that not a second would pass without him worrying about Remus until he was with him again.

“Also... can I ask you for something?”

“Of course, Remus. Anything.”

“Since I’m not allowed to go home, my parents are gonna have to get clothes and stuff from home and bring it to me tomorrow. But I... I have really big problems with people going through my stuff. So can... can you maybe pack my things instead of them? Please?”

“Sure. That's no problem.” Even though it did kinda surprise him – in a positive way – that Remus felt more comfortable with Sirius going through his things than his parents.

“Thank you. And, uh... I- I mean I don’t know how you did it the last two nights, but... you can sleep in my room if you want to,” Remus offered, blushing deeply.

“That’s really sweet of you. But I think I’m gonna save that up for when you’re back, yeah?” Sirius pressed a kiss on his temple.

“Okay.” Remus bit on his lower lip and hesitated for a moment before he looked up again. “Please don’t laugh at me,” he said then. “But... can you pack me one of your shirts too?”

“Of course.”

“You- you can therefore have your Deep Purple shirt back. It should be in my room.”

“Aw, thanks. I really missed that one.”

“Sorry.” Remus scrunched his nose. “I couldn’t resist.”

“It’s okay, don’t worry.” Sirius chuckled. “I stole one of your sweaters too.”

“Right.”

“Do you want me to pack some specific clothes, like your favourite sweater or something like that?”

“Oh, that would be great.”

Sirius gave Remus his phone, so he could write a note with all the stuff he wanted Sirius to pack.

“And _please_ don’t forget the binder,” Remus reminded him urgently.

“I won’t. I promise.”

“Thank you.”

“It’s okay. – I’m gonna go now though, you need to get some sleep and your parents and my mum are waiting.”

“Okay. We’ll see us tomorrow.”

“Sleep well.” Sirius kissed Remus softly. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

 

Sirius left the room and went to the parking garage where the other ones were waiting for him. When they got back to the Lupin’s flat, he told Remus’ parents that Remus had asked him to pack his stuff. They gave Sirius a suitcase and he went to Remus’ room to pack his things.

It was a huge room, but because of the dark wooden furniture it looked a lot less posh and fancy and a lot more comfortable than the rest of the flat. There was a huge mountain of pillows on the bed and Sirius had to shove a couple of them aside before he had enough room to lay the suitcase down and open it. For a moment, he just stood there and stared down at the bed. The whole room was just purely _Remus_. It was a bit messy, with large shelves stuffed with loads of books and DVD’s and small bits and bobs and along the curtain rod above the window behind the bed hung fairy lights and on the desk –across the room were stacks of paper, most of them had a lot of stuff written on them that had been scratched, but others had been put neatly on a stack and even were held down with a paperweight. Sirius didn’t read what was on them, but when he lifted his gaze, his eyes fell on a small piece of scribbling paper that was pinned against the wall with his name on it (in amazingly beautiful calligraphy) and a couple of hearts drawn around it. Sirius smiled softly and for a couple of seconds he just stood there and stared at it.

But then he turned around to look for the closet so he could pack Remus’ clothes. Only that there wasn’t one.

It took him a second before he saw that – apart from the one through which he had entered the room – there were two more doors.

“Oh come on,” he scoffed in disbelief when he opened the first one and saw a luxurious bathroom. Since it was only accessible through Remus’ room, this one obviously belonged to him alone. “Not posh my ass.” Sirius shook his head lightly when he remembered how Remus had tried to tell him his parents weren’t _that_ rich. He closed the bathroom door again and then opened the next one, where he found the closet. Of course it was fucking huge as well. But instead of being full with tons of clothes, most of the space in there was taken over by even more books. Though, when Sirius took a closer look at them, he saw that quite a lot of them were children’s books, so he guessed that Remus put the books he didn’t read anymore here.

Sirius pulled out his phone from his pocket and opened the note Remus had written and started to search for the clothes he should pack. When he was done with that, he did the same with the books Remus had written down. After he’d packed everything, he closed the suitcase and sank down on the bed for a moment. He really wished that Remus was with him right now. That he was out of the hospital or even more that he had never been in there in the first place.

Sirius hated the thought of having to say goodbye to Remus tomorrow. He just wanted to be with him every day and make sure that he was okay and be there for him whenever he wasn’t.

It just wasn’t fair. Why did they have to live so far apart?


	28. Chapter 28

Sirius sat in Remus’ room for a while, because it made him feel closer to him, but eventually he stood up and grabbed the suitcase, leaving the room and closing the door behind himself.

Even though he was glad and relieved that Remus was alright and that he’d get out of the hospital tomorrow, he was still very worried about him. What if this would happen again? What if next time they wouldn’t be this lucky?

He knew that he was always really invested when he liked someone, but with Remus it was different than anything he’d ever experienced before. He’d been in love, sure, lots of times, but this was different. He didn’t ever want to be without Remus again. It would kill him if he would have to.

Mum was in the guest room watching some television, but after a while, Sirius began to feel trapped in there, so he got up and left the room. Lyall and Hope were nowhere to be seen, he assumed they were in their bedroom as well. Eventually Sirius went outside on the big terrace. The apartment was really high up and it was an incredible view.

His whole life, Sirius had always wanted to go to New York, but even though he’d been here for a couple of days now, only now it really sunk in that he was actually here. Of course, he wished the circumstances would have been better, but still.

He didn’t know how long he stood out there and just stared down at the busy city beneath him, but at some point, his mother came outside and joined him.

“Are you alright?” she asked him.

“Yeah.” Sirius nodded and turned his head, smiling at her.

“It’s a fantastic view, isn’t it? The whole flat is amazing.”

“I don’t know. It’s too posh. – Remus’ room is nice though.”

“I’m sure it is.” His mum smiled at him. “Let’s go inside,” she said then. “It’s cold out here and also it’s getting late and we should go to sleep.”

“Okay.” Sirius nodded and so he and his mother went back inside and went to sleep.

Since he still had the sleeping pills the doctor had given him, he slept well that night, but he woke up really early the next morning and couldn’t fall asleep anymore. After a while he eventually got up and left the room. To his surprise, Remus’ mother was already up too, and she looked as if she’d barely gotten any sleep.

“Morning Sirius,” she said and smiled lightly. “Do you want a coffee?”

“Yes, please.” Sirius sat down on one of the high stools in front of the counter and a minute later, Hope placed the coffee in front of him.

She made one for herself as well and then sank down on the stool next to Sirius, holding her hand in front of her mouth as she yawned and blinked tiredly, obviously struggling to keep her eyes open.

“Are you alright?” Sirius asked carefully.

“Oh, don’t worry about me.” Hope waved off. “The last few days have been quite rough, but I’ll be fine.”

The way she said that reminded Sirius a lot of Remus, and he knew that it was a lot more than just tiredness she was struggling with right now, but he also knew that it would be intrusive to ask more; after all, they didn’t really know each other. So he just nodded and lowered his gaze to the coffee in his hands.

When eventually Lyall and Sirius’ mother got up as well, they ate breakfast together and then drove to the hospital. It was about half past eight when they got there. Remus was awake and smiled happily when he saw them. Sirius let the others say hello to him first, before he stepped forward to the bed and bent down to kiss Remus.

“How are you doing?” he asked him.

Remus shrugged. “Better now. Last night was quite bad.”

“What happened?” Sirius frowned worried.

“I couldn’t sleep and I had a really bad anxiety attack. - But don’t worry, I feel better now,” he added hastily.

Sirius took Remus’ hand and squeezed it gently. As much as he wished Remus could just get out of here and go home and Sirius could stay with him, he also knew that the clinic would be the best for Remus right now.

“Momma?” Remus turned towards his mother. “The doctor said they want to talk to you and Dad later. Also they said the three of us have to talk to the hospital’s psychiatrist before I have to go to the clinic.”

Just a few minutes after he’d said this, a nurse came to check on him and when she saw that Remus’ parents were home, she said that she’d get the doctor right now. The doctor brought the psychiatrist with him right away, so Sirius and his mother had to leave the room while they talked.

Sighing, Sirius sat down on one of the chairs in the hallway and when Mum sat down next to him, he leaned his head on her shoulder. She laid her arm around him and gently rubbed over his upper arm.

“Are you alright?”

“I guess so. I just don’t want to leave Remus.”

“I know.” She sighed quietly. “But it’s the best for him to go to the mental hospital for a while. And as soon as he gets out of there, you can come back and visit him.”

“I’m gonna miss him so much.”

“I’m sorry, Sirius. If I could make this easier for you, I would. I hope you know that.”

“Thank you, Mum. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

 

They had to wait out there quite a while, but eventually they could go back inside again. Remus and both of his parents looked distressed; Hope was crying and immediately excused herself and squeezed past Sirius and his mother to get outside for a minute. Sirius stopped insecurely, not knowing if Remus would need some time alone, but Remus held out his hand towards him, so Sirius stepped closer to the bed and took it.

“Can you lie down next to me for a bit?” Remus asked him. He was on the verge of tears and looked as if he’d already been crying before.

“I don’t know if I’m allowed to do that.” Sirius turned around and wanted to ask his mother or Lyall, but then he noticed that they had left the room as well.

“I don’t care. Please, Sirius.”

“Okay.”

Remus scooched over so Sirius could lie down next to him. There wasn’t really enough space for two people, so Remus was halfway lying on top of him, but neither of them minded.

“I feel so terrible for what I did,” Remus whispered quietly, his fingers clenching in Sirius’ shirt. “My parents both blame themselves, no matter how often I tell them it’s not their fault. I’m such a horrible person.” He buried his face in Sirius’ chest and his body shook when he started to cry.

“Please don’t say this.” Sirius stroke his back and hugged him tightly. “You’re not a horrible person, Remus.”

“Yes, I am. I only cause everyone a lot of trouble and inconvenience. You and your mother flew all the way from England to here, just because I’m such a fuck-up.”

“Don’t say that, Remus. Please.” Sirius kissed the top of his head. “I love you, okay? And I’m sorry you’re hurting so much, but please don’t talk like this about yourself. You’re such a wonderful person.”

Remus just shook his head.

“You’ve dealt with so many difficult things in your life. Nobody is reproaching you for what happened.”

“But you should.”

“No, Remus.”

“Yes! I’m such an awful person. I’m just a burden. Not enough that I fucked it up the first time, no, I didn’t even get it right the second time. Everyone would be better off if I was dead.”

“Remus!” Sirius’ throat closed up, he barely got out the single word. The thought of Remus not being around anymore, especially after this had been a very possible outlook just a few days ago, caused him physical pain. He felt tears welling up in his eyes and even though he tried to hold them back and to keep himself together, he failed. He didn’t want to cry, because Remus had already enough to deal with, but he couldn’t stop himself.

Remus looked shocked about his own words and even more so when Sirius started to sob. “Sirius, I’m so sorry.” He cradled Sirius’ face and kissed him on the mouth. “I’m so sorry I said that! I shouldn’t have!”

Sirius pulled Remus closer and buried his face in the crook of his neck. Remus held him tightly and kept repeating that he was sorry and that he hadn’t really meant it.

It took Sirius a while to calm down again and when he finally stopped crying, Remus pulled back from the hug and kissed him. “I’m so sorry, Sirius. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I didn’t think about what I was saying.”

“I love you so much, Remus,” Sirius whispered hoarsely. “I know you struggle with a lot of things, but please, _please_ never think anyone would be better off without you.”

Remus sighed deeply and lowered his head. “I’m sorry, Sirius, okay? I know I shouldn’t say those things out loud and I really have no idea why I did. I just… I hate myself so much right now and everything hurts, inside and out and I’m frustrated and sad and angry and I know I shouldn’t take this out on you, but it just broke out of me. And look… I also talked about this with the psychiatrist earlier, and… maybe… maybe it would be better if we cut off contact for a while when I’m in the clinic.”

“What?” Sirius flinched back as if Remus had hit him in the face.

“Just for a while. Two weeks, maybe three.” Remus looked pleadingly at him. “Don’t get me wrong, Sirius, you know I love you, but I really think it would be what’s best for me right now. What’s best for _us_.”

Sirius didn’t answer. He couldn’t. He wanted to understand Remus, he really did, but all he felt was hurt and anger. “Don’t do this to me, Remus,” he begged. “I just almost lost you, you can’t do this to me!”

“I’m sorry, Sirius, but please try to understand me!” Tears welled up in Remus’ eyes and he reached out to take Sirius’ hand, but Sirius moved back and got out of the bed. He knew that he was being unnecessary mean to Remus, but he just couldn’t act sensible right now.

“Sirius, please!”

“I- I just…” Sirius shook his head and then turned around and left the room.

* * *

 

The door slammed closed behind Sirius loudly and Remus buried his face in the pillow and started to cry desperately. He hadn’t meant to hurt Sirius! He hadn’t meant to hurt anyone! Nothing of this should have happened!

Everything hurt so much and his mind was in utter chaos and he didn’t know what to do. Of course he didn’t want to cut Sirius out of his life for good. As if he ever could. He loved him.

But he was such a mess right now and he just needed some time to sort things out for himself. And right now, every time Sirius said that he loved him, every time when Sirius showed affection towards him, it just hurt Remus. It hurt him, because it just reminded him of the terrible things he’d done and that he didn’t deserve Sirius at all and he just couldn’t handle this.

A knock at the door startled Remus and he hastily wiped his tears away, even though he knew that his eyes were reddened and would give away that he’d cried anyways.

Mrs. Potter opened the door. “Can I talk to you for a moment?” she asked him.

Remus nodded, even though he was scared of what she might say.

“I just talked to Sirius,” she said when she sat down on the chair next to the bed.

Remus winced and tears welled up in his eyes again.

“Remus, you don’t have to feel bad about asking Sirius for this. You have a lot that you need to process now and you are allowed to put yourself first. Sirius knows you didn’t mean to hurt you with this and he’s not angry at you, okay? He just reacted the way he did because he’s worried and he’s scared of not being around you and seeing for himself if you’re doing okay.”

“It’s not that I don’t want him around me or that I don’t want to talk to him. I just… feel so bad about myself right now that I can’t handle affection; it just makes me feel even worse. Once it’s not quite that bad anymore, of course I want to talk to him again and see him again, but I just need this time right now,” Remus explained. “And it’s not even just him. It’s… everyone I need a break off. I just… need time for myself.”

Mrs. Potter nodded understandingly. “Of course, Remus. You have every right to this. And I’m sure Sirius tries to understand this, it’s just difficult for him.”

“And he’s really not angry at me?” Remus asked worriedly.

“No, dear, of course not. He’s outside right now but I’m sure he’ll come back inside again soon, okay? Just give him a few minutes to cool off.”

“Okay.” Remus nodded and sighed deeply, looking down at the blanket. “Thank you for being so understanding, Mrs. Potter.”

“It’s no problem, really.”

“Do you know where my parents are?” he asked then, even though this subject didn’t make him feel much better than the last.

“No, I don’t know. I’m sorry. But I’m sure they’ll be back soon too.”

Remus groaned and buried his face in his hands. So much trouble and it was all his fault.

~

When Sirius came back about ten minutes later, Mrs. Potter left the room to let them talk.

“I’m sorry about how I reacted. I understand why you asked me for this and it’s okay, of course.”

That was what he said, but it wasn’t how he felt. Remus could see it in Sirius’ eyes and hear it in the stiff way Sirius was talking that sounded nothing like himself.

“Sirius, I’m sorry, okay? I really don’t mean to hurt you with this, but-”

“It’s okay, Remus,” Sirius interrupted him with the same toneless voice as before. “I told you, I understand.”

Remus clenched his jaw and lowered his gaze. Had he now ruined everything between them with this? Was this the day he’d been afraid of all along?

“No, Sirius, really… if… if you’d prefer that, then just forget about it. We can text every day,” he said, hoping this would fix things.

“I told you, it’s okay, Remus,” Sirius repeated harshly.

Remus winced at the aggressive tone of Sirius’ voice.

“Shit.” Sirius sighed and ran his hand through his hair. “Look, Remus,” he said then and finally he sounded more like himself again. “Honestly… I don’t understand it. Okay? But that’s because… I’m not you. And I would deal with this entirely different.” He took a deep breath. “But that does not mean that either of us is wrong. I don’t understand it, but I accept it. And it’s okay, yeah? I didn’t mean to make you feel bad for saying this. It’s your right. I just…” He hesitated for a moment and lowered his eyes. “I want to ask you for something. It’s okay if you say no.”

“Go ahead.”

“Can you please… just let me know how you’re doing from time to time? Nothing big, honestly a thumbs up or thumbs down like once a week is enough. Just... please don’t leave me completely in the dark.”

“Of course, Sirius.” Remus held his hand out towards Sirius and when Sirius took it, he smiled relieved. “I love you, okay?”

“I love you too.” Sirius leaned closer and kissed him softly.

 

Not much later, a nurse came and brought Remus’ lunch. He was honestly shocked about how fast the morning had passed and also a little frightened about how soon he’d be in the clinic again. He tried to see it positively, after all the people there would help him get better again, but still he was also nervous. He knew it took a lot of strength to talk about and process all these things and he just wasn’t sure if he had this strength.

“If you want to, you can have some of my food,” he offered Sirius, “It’s not bad for hospital food, I swear.”

Sirius shook his head. “It’s okay. I’ll eat later.”

“Okay.” Remus nodded and then continued eating.

A couple of minutes later, his parents entered the room.

“I’m sorry we were gone so long,” his mom apologised.

“It’s okay, Momma,” he said and smiled at her. “I understand.”

Lyall turned to Sirius. “Your mother said to send you down to the cafeteria to eat something.”

“Okay.” He stood up and pressed a quick kiss on Remus' cheek before he left the room and went to look for his mother.

“Don’t you want to eat something as well?” Remus asked his parents.

“We already ate,” Lyall said.

“Oh, okay.”

Remus and his parents sat there in silence, while Remus continued eating. After less than half of the portion, he was full though.

“Are you sure you don’t want to eat more?” his mother asked, frowning worriedly.

“I’m really full.”

She pressed her lips together but just nodded.

When a nurse came in to grab the tray, the doctor was with her as well. He told them that they had organised everything with the clinic and that Remus and his parents would be expected there at three. He also said that the nurse would take another look at Remus’ cuts and help him wash himself (since he couldn’t take a shower at the moment because of his cuts and stitches all over) in a couple of minutes. Remus clenched his jaw, but just nodded. He hated it when they did that. If it was up to him, he’d rather get infected wounds and be smelly and unwashed than have a stranger see him naked and touch him.

Just when the doctor left, Sirius and his mother entered the room. Sirius instantly noticed Remus' bad mood.

“You alright?”

“Yeah.” Remus nodded and forced himself to a smile. “The doctor was just here and said that we have to be in the clinic at three. So I guess we’re gonna drive off soon.”

“Oh.” For a moment, sadness darted over Sirius’ face, before he shove it away. “Okay,” he just said then.

“Sirius... can you, uh... maybe get me some clothes from my suitcase? I have to get dressed.”

“Sure.” Sirius stood up, but before he could step away, Remus held him back.

“Wait, uh...” Remus shifted uncomfortably. “You, uh, have to get me one of the sport bras, okay? Not the binder.” The doctor had told him yesterday that he wouldn’t be allowed to wear the binder for now, because of the cuts on his chest.

Sirius seemed to sense that Remus was uncomfortable talking about this, he just nodded and then asked Lyall for the key to the car before he left the room to get Remus’ clothes.

“I hope these are okay,” he said when he handed Remus the bundle of clothes when he came back a few minutes later.

“That’s perfect. Thank you.”

“No problem.” Sirius kissed him quickly.

When the nurse came and the others left the room, Remus clenched his jaw tightly. He hated this. Hated every second of this. Everything inside him screamed to push her away whenever she touched him and he just wanted to cover himself up and shout at her to leave him alone. The nurse knew how uncomfortable Remus was with this and she tried to make this as quick and painless as possible, but even like this it was bad enough.

Eventually though, she’d made sure that all of Remus’ stitches were intact and that everything was alright and had helped him wash himself and then he could finally get dressed again. He hated not being able to wear his binder, but even the sports bra pressed painfully against a couple of his cuts so the nurse had to put some extra gauze there to pad it a little.

“You okay?” Sirius asked him when he came back into the room a few minutes later.

“Yeah.” Remus was sitting on the edge of the bed and patted on the place next to him and when Sirius sat down, Remus leaned against him. “It’s just so uncomfortable.”

“I get that. But I mean, she’s a nurse. I’m sure she doesn’t even think anything of what she sees. Other than medically, I mean.”

“Still.” Remus scrunched his nose. “I hate it.”

“At least you’re out of here now.” Sirius tried to say it optimistic, but Remus could hear in his voice that he also wasn't a hundred percent happy about this. Of course it was good that Remus got out of the hospital, but that just meant that he’d have to go to the clinic now. So he just nodded and turned his head to press a kiss against Sirius’ jaw.

Twenty minutes later, everything with the doctor had been cleared and they were on their way to the clinic. For the whole drive, Sirius had his arm wrapped around Remus and he was holding his hand.

Remus briefly called Lily before they got there – he had already sent her a text message in which he'd explained to her that he would need some quiet time for a while when he was in the clinic – but he just wanted to talk to her for a bit before that.

“I wish you a lot of strength, Remus and I’m sure you will feel a lot better soon,” she said when they were biding goodbye. “I love you, okay? Take the time for yourself and don’t worry about anyone else for a while.”

“I love you too, Lily. Thank you so much.”

“Of course, Remus. Goodbye.”

“Bye, Lily.”

When he ended the phone call, he saw that he had also a text message from James, wishing him all the best and saying that he’d hoped Remus would feel better soon and reminding him that James would be here if Remus ever needed someone to talk. Remus texted him back and then took a look at the clock on his phone. It was already half past two. They'd probably be at the clinic soon.

Remus shove his phone back in his pocket and buried his face in Sirius’ shoulder instead. Some of his cuts stung painfully when he turned his body like this, but he didn’t care. Sirius pressed a kiss on top of his head and rubbed his back.

Way too fast, the time passed and Remus’ dad parked the car in front of the clinic. They all went inside the building to the administration office but there, Sirius and his mother had to wait while Remus and his parents had a talk with one of the therapists from here – that would be Remus’ therapist for as long as he was here – and one of the social pedagogues that would be one of Remus’ reference persons. They just asked him and his parents some stuff about what had happened and why he was here and then about his general history. It didn’t take more than maybe twenty minutes, but nevertheless, after the talk, Remus felt horrible. It was awful to talk about what he’d done, especially when he was how much it hurt his parents too.

After the talk, they went to get Sirius and his mother and then went over to the building where the living quarters were. There they had to say goodbye.

Remus didn’t know who to turn to first or even just what to do in general, but then Mrs. Potter stepped forward and hugged him.

“Take care of yourself, okay? I wish you a lot of strength and if you ever need something, don’t hesitate to let me know.”

“Thank you so much, Mrs. Potter.”

When Mrs. Potter stepped back, Sirius looked at Remus and sighed deeply; he had that kind of smile on his face that showed he was actually about to cry any second. Remus felt the same, so he stepped closer to him and hugged him tightly.

“I love you, Remus,” Sirius said and kissed him softly. “Don’t forget that, okay? I really hope you’ll feel better soon.”

“I love you too.”

“I’m gonna miss you so much. But I’ll come back as soon as you can go back home.”

“Yes.” Remus kissed him briefly. “I’m gonna miss you too.”

“Take good care of yourself and do whatever you need to feel better.” Sirius laid his hand on Remus’ cheek and smiled softly at him. “It’s okay if you take your time with that, but message me whenever you feel up to it, okay?”

“I will, I promise.” Remus hugged him again, but then turned away to say goodbye to his parents as well.

They – together with the people from the clinic they’d had the talk with just before – had agreed that it would probably be best if Remus had some time away from everyone for a while, so his parents wouldn’t come visit him the first weekend, which meant he wouldn’t see them for two weeks.

When he’d said goodbye to everyone and had taken his suitcase from his father, he could feel tears welling up in his eyes, but he forced himself to hold them back. He didn’t manage more than to just smile briefly at the others and then turned away and followed his reference person inside so they could show him his room.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the long absence guys!!!  
> I had a lot going on, I'm really sorry xxxx  
> Hope you all haven't forgotten about this lol

_October 15_ _th_  

**_(1:38am) Hey Remus. I know you said you needed some time alone, so I’m not expecting you to text me back, but I hope it’s okay if I still send you some messages from time to time (if not, just tell me and I’ll stop.) Me and Mum just arrived back home… I already miss you a lot and I hope you’re doing well and that you’ll feel better soon. I love you_**  

 

_October 16_ _th_  

**_(11:06am) So I actually planned on going back to school today, but then I didn’t because I wasn’t feeling so well_**  

**_(11:06am) But it’s already Friday anyways, so who cares_**  

**_(11:06am) I miss you a lot, okay?_**  

_~_  

**_(1:47pm) Mum, Dad and James send their love_**  

**_(1:47pm) Hope you’re doing alright_**  

 

_October 17_ _th_  

**_(12:07pm) Love you_**  

 

_October 18_ _th_  

_(2:54pm) Hey Sirius. So my first week here is over (well, not full week, since I got here on Tuesday and it’s Sunday now, but you know what I mean) and it went okay, I guess. It’s really exhausting and stuff, but the people here are supporting me very well. I had my phone turned off all week and, please don’t be mad, will turn it off again for a while longer, I just really need this time for myself. I think about you a lot though and I love you so much, okay?_  

**_(2:55pm) Thank you so much for messaging me!! I’m glad you’re having support there and of course I’m not mad at you for taking time for yourself. Just text me whenever you feel up to it, okay? Love you xxx_**  

_(2:55pm) Thank you for understanding, Sirius._ _x_ _xx_  

**_(2:55pm) Of course_**  

 

_October 19_ _th_  

**_(10:35am) Ugh so I went back to school today and it was awful_**  

**_(10:35am) I don’t care about all this stuff_**  

**_(10:35am) Honestly, the only reason I’m not dropping out right this moment is because of my parents_**  

**_(10:35am) I know how important it is to them that I graduate_**  

**_(10:35am) Ugh_**  

 

_October 21_ _st_  

**_(11:17am) Sorry for not texting you yesterday, I had a really crappy day_**  

**_(11:17am) On the other hand though, you’re not reading these messages anyway_**  

**_(11:18am) Okay that sounded a lot harsher than intended_**  

**_(11:18am) Sorry_**  

_~_  

**_(8:37pm) I can’t sleep ugh_**  

**_(8:37pm) How has it only been eight days since we saw us? It feels like so much longer_**  

**_(8:37pm) I hope you’re dealing with this better than me_**  

 

_October 23_ _rd_  

**_(4:34am) Hah I’m so fucked_**  

**_(4:34am) I went to Longbottom’s place after school last night and we somehow ended up drinking and I just woke up and I’m super hungover and late as fuck but I can’t miss the whole day of school because if my parents find out they’ll kill me_**  

_~_  

**_(9:47pm) Today was so awful ugh_**  

**_(9:47pm) Sorry I’m complaining all the time_**  

**_(9:47pm) Don’t worry about it, yeah?_**  

**_(9:47pm) Love you_**  

 

_October 25_ _th_  

_(3:21pm) Hey! I’m sorry your week didn’t go so well. Is there anything I can do to help? I can leave my phone on if that helps? I love you, okay?_  

**_(3:22pm) Thank you, Remus, but really, don’t worry about me._**  

_(3:22pm) Are you sure? I mean, getting drunk in the middle of the week? That doesn’t sound like things are going great_  

**_(3:23pm) No, don’t sweat it, really. We were just having a fun night and had a couple of beers and forgot ourselves. I’m fine. Don’t worry about me._**  

_(3:24pm) … fine_  

_(3:24pm) But if you need me, let me know, okay?_  

_(3:24pm) I’ll keep my phone on more often_  

**_(3:25pm) No, really. Focus on yourself, Remus. You should put your well–being first now._**  

_(3:25pm) But I’m worried about you_  

**_(3:25pm) You don’t have to be. I promise you I’m fine._**  

_(3:25pm) I love you, okay?_  

**_(3:26pm) I love you too. So how are things going for you?_**  

_(3:26pm) I’m alright. I’_ _m still having troubles sle_ _eping and because of that a lot of bad thoughts and feelings at night_ _, but it’s slowly getting better, I think, and the people here are supporting me really well_  

_(3:26pm) Also my parents were here yesterday. Only for a short visit, but it was good to see them again._  

**_(3:26pm) Sounds good. And just out of curiosity… do you already know how long you’ll be there?_**  

_(3:27pm) No, I don’t know yet. At least two more weeks though, probably longer_  

**_(3:27pm) Oh, okay_**  

_(3:27pm) I can’t wait to see you again though xxx_  

**_(3:27pm) Yeah, me neither. I miss you_**  

_(3:28pm) I miss you too_  

_(3:28pm) And remember, if you need to talk, I’m here for you, okay? I love you_  

**_(3:28pm) Thank you. I love you too_**  

 

_October 28_ _th_  

_(8:37pm) You’re probably already asleep, but I just wanted to ask if everything’s alright… I know you’re in no obligation to text me, but I haven’t heard of you in three days, which is_ _kinda_ _unusual. It’s okay if you’re not in the mood or if it’s because I’m not on my phone that much, but just let me know if you’re alright, yeah? Love you xx_  

**_(8:38pm) I’m sorry I worried you. I’m alright, I just was really busy the last few days. Love you too_**  

_(8:38pm) You’re still up?_  

_(8:38pm) Also it’s okay, you don’t have to apologise. I just wanted to make sure you’re alright._  

**_(8:38pm) I can’t sleep_**  

**_(8:38pm) But I’m alright, don’t worry._**  

_(8:38pm) You sure?_  

**_(8:39pm) Yes_**  

_(8:39pm) Okay. I’m_ _gonna_ _go try to sleep now, I have a long day tomorrow. Try and get some sleep too, please, but if you need me, I’m here. I love you!_  

**_(8:39pm) Thank you. Sleep well and I hope you have a good day tomorrow. Love you too xxx_**  

* * *

 

_November 1_ _st_  

**(9:37am) Hey Remus, it’s James. Look, I know that you have a lot going on right now, so if this is too much to ask for at the moment, that’s okay. But if you find the time and the energy, can you maybe please check on Sirius? He won’t talk to me, but he’s not doing so well lately. I don’t know if it’s because he misses you, or if something else happened, or both, but I’m really worried about him. I’d be really glad if you found the time to talk to him. If not, just let me know then I’ll figure something else out.**  

**(9:37am) Apart from that, I hope things are going well for you and if I can ever help you with something, let me know okay? Keep your head up xx**  

_(9:40am) Thank you for letting me know! I’ll message him right away._  

**(9:41am) Thank you, Remus. I really don’t want to bother you when you have already so many things going on, but I really don’t know what to do. He won’t talk to me, or our parents or Peter, even though we all know there’s something wrong. Maybe he’ll tell you.**  

_(9:41am) Now I feel so bad for not messaging him those past few days. But I was really stressed out_  

**(9:41am) It’s okay, Remus. Just if you find the time. I’d be glad if you can figure out what’s wrong.**  

_(9:42am) I’ll see what I can do_  

**(9:42am) Thank you!**  

_~_  

_(10:56am) I sent him a message right after we talked, but he still hasn’t replied. Do you know where he is?_  

**(10:57am) He’s still at a friend’s place so that might be why he’s not replying**  

_(10:57am) Do you think he’s alright?_  

**(10:57am) I don’t think you really have to worry at the moment. Just let me know when he replies, yeah?**  

_(10:58am) Of course_  

**(10:59am) Thank you**  

**(10:59am) So, how’s it going at the clinic? Are you feeling better?**  

_(11:00am) Yeah, I’m definitely doing better than before. There’s still a lot to work on of course, but already the past two weeks helped a lot_  

**(11:00am) That’s good**  

**(11:00am) And look, I know we didn’t talk a lot since… you were in the hospital, but I just wanted to let you know that I’m really glad you’re alright. You scared the hell out of me**  

_(11:01am) I’m sorry_  

**(11:01am) No, I didn’t mean to sound reproachful. But you’re really important to me and my family, okay? Don’t forget that**  

_(11:02am) Thank you, James._  

**(11:02am) No problem**  

_~_  

_(3:47pm) Is Sirius home by now? He still didn’t reply_  

**(3:50pm) He got home like twenty minutes ago, but he went to take a shower straight away. I’ll see if I can get him to talk or to answer you when he’s done**  

_(3:50pm) Okay_  

_~_  

**(4:31pm) Did he reply to you?**  

_(4:31pm) No…_  

**(4:31pm) Okay. I didn’t think so, to be honest. He’s not having a good day and we just got in a fight, but he’s at home and he’s safe, so don’t worry about him if he doesn’t reply, okay? I promise I’ll take care of him**  

_(4:32pm) Oh, okay… thank you, James. Tell him that I love him, yeah?_  

**(4:32pm) I will. Don’t worry too much about him and focus on yourself. I’ll take care of Sirius. We’ll talk tomorrow again, okay?**  

_(4:32pm) Sure. Goodnight, James_  

**(4:32pm) Night**  

 

_November 2_ _nd_  

_(3:16pm) Hey James_  

_(3:16pm) I still haven’t heard from Sirius. Is he okay?_  

**(3:17pm) More or less. He’s having a rough day and he left school at noon, but he went home and was with Mum all afternoon. She said he wouldn’t tell her what’s wrong either… but I mean she’s taking care of him, so don’t worry too much, okay?**  

_(3:17pm) I wish I could come over_  

_(3:17pm) I want to help_  

**(3:18pm) It’s okay, Remus. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have pulled you into all of this and worried you. I’m sure Sirius will be fine soon**  

_(3:18pm) No, I’m glad you told me. I just wish I could do more._  

**(3:19pm) Don’t feel bad about it. Sirius will feel better soon. Just give him some time**  

_(3:19pm) Okay, but if anything happens or if I can do something to help let me know, okay?_  

**(3:19pm) Of course. But in the meantime focus on yourself to get better. Just a few more weeks and you and Sirius can see each other again. I’m sure everything will come out fine**  

_(3:20pm) I hope so_  

_(3:20pm) Tell him to text me whenever he feels up to it and that I love him, okay?_  

**(3:20pm) Of course**  

_(3:20pm) Thank you_  

 

_November 3_ _rd_  

_(3:08pm) Hey James. So Sirius is still not replying, but can you please tell him that I wish him a happy birthday and that I love him a lot and that I hope he has a nice day_  

**(3:13pm) He says thank you a lot and that he loves you too. I tried to ask him again why he won’t text you himself, but he just ignored me**  

_(3:13pm) It’s okay, he can take his time. Just please keep me updated on how he’s doing, yeah?_  

**(3:14pm) Of course**  

_(3:14pm) Thank you, James. So have you anything planned for his birthday?_  

**(3:15pm) Well, Sirius really wants to go out, even though it’s Tuesday, so Peter, Frank, Alice and me are going with him, but we’re probably mainly** **gonna** **try to stop him from getting too wasted**  

_(3:16pm) Can I ask you something?_  

**(3:16pm) Shoot**  

_(3:17pm) It’s just… from what Sirius tells me, he gets drunk quite a lot. And I mean I’m not about to tell him to stop drinking, because it’s his decision, but honestly, I sometimes get a bit worried about him. It just seems like he’s drinking really much. Maybe I’m wrong though and I mean he told me he’s fine, but I just wanted to ask you about it_  

**(3:17pm) Well, generally, I wouldn’t say you have to be worried. But quite honestly, in the last two weeks or so, it has been a bit alarming. I didn’t think much of it at first, when he was just having like one beer in the evening, but then it quickly became more. One time, it was a little less than two weeks ago, I think, he just disappeared in the evening and came late to school the next day and he was hungover as fuck. And I mean if it had been a special occasion or anything, I would understand it, but he wasn’t out or anything, he just went to Longbottom’s place and got sloshed for no reason. And since then, I think he didn’t go a single day without alcohol.**  

_(3:18pm) Shit_  

_(3:18pm) What about your parents? Can’t they help?_  

**(3:19pm) I haven’t told them so far, because Sirius begged me not to. I know I probably should, but I feel** **kinda** **bad ratting him out. I’m scared of making things worse**  

_(3:19pm) James, please tell them_  

_(3:19pm) This is not ratting him out, this is getting him help. Don’t wait until it’s too late, please. From what you tell me, it really sounds as if something bad happened and he needs help. Please tell your parents, okay?_  

**(3:20pm) Do you think it’s okay if I wait until tomorrow? Maybe a night out with his friends helps to lift his mood. I promise to take good care of him tonight, and if it doesn’t go well I’ll tell my parents instantly.**  

_(3:20pm) Alright… but take good care of him, yeah?_  

_(3:20pm) And text me if something happens_  

**(3:20pm) I will**  

_(3:21pm) Good. I hope things will go fine though and you’ll have a great evening_  

**(3:21pm) Thank you, Remus.**  

 

_November 4_ _th_  

_(11:50am) I actually have to go eat in a minute and have a very busy afternoon, so no stress, but can you please let me know how last night went as soon as you find the time? Thank you xx_  

_~_  

**(1:08pm) Okay, so last night didn’t go really well. We really tried to keep an eye on Sirius and to keep him from drinking too much, but then he got angry at us and just suddenly disappeared. We tried to find him but he wasn’t anywhere around, so eventually we called my parents. We then tracked the GPS on his phone and found him eventually. He was really wasted and when he saw us he freaked out and yelled at us to go away and to leave him alone. Mum eventually managed to calm him down enough to let us drive him home and she’s been with him all night. He didn’t go to school today, but he’s feeling better now. I still don’t know what exactly is going on with him, but I’m really hoping that Mum and Dad will be able to help him.**  

**(1:08pm) Oh, also he trashed his phone last night** **after he found out we’d tracked it** **. He’s getting a new one in a couple of days and I offered him to use my phone to text you if he wants to, but he still doesn’t want to talk to anyone. I’m sorry, yeah?**  

_~_  

_(4:09pm) Oh shit_  

_(4:09pm) And you really don’t know what could have happened that started all of this? Did he get in a fight with someone?_  

**(4:09pm) I have no idea**  

_(4:10pm) I really wish I could come over_  

**(4:10pm) It’s okay. Just a couple more weeks and you and Sirius will see each other again. It will be fine**  

_(4:10pm) I hope so. I’m really worried about him_  

**(4:10pm) I’m sorry, really. I know you have a lot of other things on your mind at the moment and I really didn’t mean to burden you with this as well.**  

_(4:10pm) No, I’m glad you told me! I do want to know if something like this is happening. I just wish I could do more_  

**(4:10pm) It’s okay. Sirius knows you’re here for him.**  

_(4:10pm) Still_  

_(4:10pm) Let me know if there’s anything I can do_  

**(4:10pm) I will**  

* * *

 

_November 10_ _th_  

**_(2:47pm) Hey Remus, this is Sirius. I just wanted to let you know that this is my new phone number_**  

_~_  

_(4:34pm) I’m so sorry I didn’t see your message earlier! Are you still there? Can we talk?_  

**_(4:34pm) Sure_**  

_(4:34pm) How are you feeling? I was really worried about you when you wouldn’t message me. I mean, James kept me updated on most things, but I haven’t talked to him in a couple of days, also from what he told me you didn’t seem to be doing very well_  

**_(4:34pm) I’m sorry I worried you_**  

**_(4:34pm) I’m fine_**  

_(4:35pm) Are you sure?_  

**_(4:35pm) Yeah, don’t worry about me_**  

_(4:35pm) I do, though_  

**_(4:35pm) Please, Remus, focus on yourself, okay? I just have a lot of stuff going on right now and a lot to figure out, but it’s nothing I can’t handle. I’m sorry if I’m absent or distant but I promise you everything will be fine, yeah? Just focus on yourself right now and as soon as you get out of there we’ll see us again_**  

_(4:35pm) But you know that I’m here if you need me, right?_  

**_(4:36pm) Yes, Remus. And I’m really grateful_**  

_(4:36pm) I love you_  

**_(4:36pm) I love you too_**  

_(4:37pm) So yesterday my parents were here and we had a talk together with my therapist from here and they say that if things keep going so well I’ll most likely get out on the 21_ _th_  

**_(4:37pm) That’s in like 2 weeks, isn’t it? That’s so great!!_**  

_(4:37pm) Yes! I’m really hoping it will work out that way_  

**_(4:38pm) Me too. But still, if you feel like you need the support from there for longer, tell them, yeah?_**  

_(4:38pm) I will_  

**_(4:39pm) Good_**  

**_(4:39pm) Listen, I have to go now, but we’ll talk again soon, alright?_**  

_(4:39pm) You promise?_  

**_(4:40pm) I promise_**  

_(4:40pm) Okay. Have a good night! I love you_  

**_(4:40pm) Thank you. I love you too_**  

 

_November 13_ _th_  

_(3:24pm) Hey, so I had a talk with my parents and my therapist and he said that I'm getting out for sure next Saturday (the 21_ _st_ _) so if you want to, you can come here next weekend (my parents are coming to the clinic at 9am and we have another talk with my therapist then, so we'll probably be out at like 10) but if you'd rather come another weekend, that's fine too. My Dad said you should just message him so he can either book the flights for you or he'll just send you or your parents the money_  

**_(3:25pm) I'd really love to come over next weekend but I don’t have enough money and I'd feel_** ** _bad if your father paid my plane tickets_**  

_(3:25pm) You don’t have to feel bad about it_  

**_(3:25pm) But it's so much money_**  

_(3:25pm) Exactly. You and your mom just spent that much like a month ago to fly here. And you know that my parents have enough_  

**_(3:25pm) I'd still feel bad_**  

_(3:26pm) I mean I can't force you to come over. So if you'd rather wait, that's fine too_  

**_(3:27pm) This is not about me not wanting to come, I just don’t want your parents to spend so much money on me_**  

_(3:27pm) Just look at it as your birthday present_  

**_(3:28pm) That's a really expensive present_**  

_(3:28pm) Birthday presents for the next three years?_  

**_(3:28pm) And you're REALLY sure your parents are okay with spending so much money on me? I mean I did save some money, but it's not enough yet, so I could at least pay a part of it..._**  

_(3:29pm) You don’t have to, really. Just message my dad (I think your mom has his number) and he'll take care of it_  

_(3:29pm) But do you think there will even be enough time? Like, to get here and then get back home again in one weekend? It's okay if that's too stressful for you_  

**_(3:29pm) Don’t worry, I'll find a way._**  

_(3:29pm) Are you sure? You know you don’t have to come_  

**_(3:30pm) If you want me to come and if your parents are honestly fine with paying, then I sure as hell won't miss an opportunity to see you. I miss you like crazy_**  

_(3:30pm) I miss you too_  

_(3:30pm) And I'm really looking forward to seeing you again_  

**_(3:30pm) Me too_**  

**_(3:30pm) So, I'll message your dad later and as soon as I have my flights I'll let you know, okay?_**  

_(3:30pm) Awesome_  

_~_  

_(10:47pm) I know it's almost 4am at your place, but is there any chance you’re still up?_  

**_(10:47pm) You’re lucky Game of Thrones is so addictive_**  

**_(10:47pm) What’s up?_**  

_(10:48pm) A guy on my unit is having a really bad panic attack or something and he keeps screaming and it makes me so anxious_  

**_(10:48pm) Isn't anyone with him?_**  

_(10:48pm) They are and I'm sure he's in the isolation room by now, but I can still hear him_  

**_(10:48pm) Isolation room??_**  

_(10:49pm) Yeah, if anyone is freaking out or something like that and if they're a danger to others or themselves, they get put in there_  

**_(10:49pm) Oh_**  

**_(10:49pm) Have you ever been in there?_**  

**_(10:49pm) You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to_**  

_(10:50pm) It's okay. I was in there a few times the last time I was here, because I was really aggressive when I went through withdrawal, and this time once, about two weeks ago_  

**_(10:50pm) How long did you have to stay in there?_**  

_(10:51pm) One time I was in there for three days, because I kept yelling at them and threatening them, but mostly just for one night_ _, or a few hours_ _until I calmed down or felt less unstable. It's not that bad. I mean, sure, when you're already angry it sucks, but I mean it's just for safety. And they never lock anyone in there for longer than necessary_  

**_(10:51pm) That's good._**  

**_(10:51pm) How are you feeling? Is the other guy still screaming?_**  

_(10:52pm) He is. It's really nerve-wracking, but we have to stay in our rooms when there's a crisis like this and as soon as anyone has the possibility to, they will come check on us_  

_(10:52pm) It's just taking so long because it's night, so there's only one night watch on each floor (3 in total) and 2 staff members that are on-call_  

_(10:52am) And on the second floor, the night watch can't leave because they have to have the unit locked and they can't leave the patients locked in there alone_  

**_(10:53pm) I really wish I could be there with you_**  

**_(10:53pm) I want to help you, but I don’t know how_**  

_(10:53pm) It's okay. Just talking to you already helps a lot_  

**_(10:54pm) By the way, I talked to your dad today_**  

**_(10:54pm) I'm definitely coming over next weekend_**  

_(10:54pm) Awesome!!! I'm so excited!_  

**_(10:54pm) Me too_**  

**_(10:54pm) I miss you so much_**  

_(10:54pm) I miss you too_  

_(10:54pm) Have you already booked the flights? Do you know when you'll be here?_  

**_(10:54pm) Yeah, my flight arrives at like 12 on Saturday, your dad said you'll come to pick me up right after you get out of the clinic_**  

_(10:54pm) I can't wait!!!_  

**_(10:54pm) Me either_**  

**_(10:54pm) I wish I could stay longer though_**  

_(10:54pm) When's your flight back?_  

**_(10:55pm) Sunday at 10pm_**  

_(10:55pm) You're spending about the same amount of time on the plane as here_  

_(10:55pm) Also you'll miss school on Monday_  

**_(10:55pm) …_**  

**_(10:55pm) Do you not want me to come?_**  

_(10:55pm) Of course I do! This just sounds like it's_ _gonna_ _be really stressful for you_  

**_(10:56pm) It's definitely worth it_**  

_(10:56pm) Are you sure?_  

**_(10:56pm) Remus, I'd fly over even if I could only see you for five minutes_**  

_(10:56pm) You're cute_  

**_(10:56pm) Shut up_**  

_(10:56pm) No_  

**_(10:56pm) Rude_**  

_~_  

_(11:16pm) Okay, so someone just came in to check on me and the situation here calmed down, so I'm_ _gonna_ _go to sleep now (and you should too). Goodnight, Sirius_  

**_(11:16pm) Night, Remus._**  

 

_November 15_ _th_  

**_(9:18pm)_** ** _remus_** ** _are u_** ** _srue_** ** _u want me to come over_** ** _nxt_** ** _weekend_**  

_(9:18pm) Of course I'm sure! Also, are you drunk?? Don’t you have school tomorrow?_  

**_(9:18pm) I don’t give a_** ** _fukc_** ** _about school_**  

**_(9:18pm) they all_** ** _cna_** **_shovr_** ** _this_** ** _bulllshit_** ** _up their ass_**  

_(9:18pm) What happened, Sirius?_  

**_(9:18pm) nothing_**  

**_(9:18pm) I_** ** _hsut_** ** _need to_** ** _kno_** ** _if u really want me to come_**  

_(9:18pm) Of course I want you to come. Why wouldn’t I?_  

**_(9:18pm)_** ** _bc_** **_im_** ** _a piece of shit_**  

_(9:19pm) That's not true. What happened? Why are you feeling like this?_  

**_(9:19pm) I cant to tell u._** ** _ure_** **_gonna_** ** _hate me_**  

_(9:19pm) It's okay if you don’t want to tell me, but whatever it is, I won't hate you, Sirius._  

**_(9:19pm) but u should_**  

**_(9:19pm)_** ** _im_** ** _an awful person_**  

_(9:19pm) No, you're not_  

**_(9:19pm) I fuck everything up_**  

_(9:19pm) That's not true, Sirius._  

_(9:19pm) Are your parents or James home? Please tell someone you're feeling bad, I don’t want you to be alone right now_  

**_(9:19pm)_** ** _theyre_** ** _asleep_**  

_(9:20pm) Wake someone up_  

_(9:20pm) Tell them you're not feeling well_  

**_(9:20pm) I_** ** _dont_** ** _always want to be a_** ** _bruden_** **_remus_**  

_(9:20pm) You're not a burden_  

**_(9:20pm) yes I am_**  

**_(9:20pm) I_** ** _dont_** ** _even_** ** _bleon_** ** _g to this family_**  

**_(9:20pm) I_** ** _shoudnt_** ** _even be here_**  

**_(9:20pm) I_** ** _mena_** ** _if my own_** ** _parentrs_** ** _dint want me, why would anyone else_**  

_(9:20pm) Sirius, don’t talk like this. Please. Those people never deserved to call themselves your parents. You're such a wonderful person and the Potters love you so much. They are your family. And you do belong with them, Sirius._  

**_(9:20pm)_** ** _im_** ** _not good enough to_** ** _belogn_** ** _to them_**  

_(9:21pm) That's not true, Sirius. You ARE good enough._  

**_(9:21pm) no_**  

**_(9:21pm) an dim not good enough for u either_**  

_(9:21pm) Of course you are. I love you so much, Sirius. Tell me what I can do to help you feel better, please. I want to help you like you helped me so many times_  

**_(9:21pm) u don’t have to_**  

**_(9:21pm)_** ** _im_** **_gonna_** ** _stop_** ** _botherung_** ** _u now_**  

_(9:21pm) Sirius, please let me help you_  

_(9:23pm) Sirius??_  

_~_  

_(9:30pm) I'm calling James now and I'll make sure he knows how you're feeling and he'll take care of you_  

 

_November 16_ _th_  

_(3:07pm) Hey Sirius, how are you feeling today?_  

_(3:07pm) James said you didn’t go to school today – which I think was a good decision, by the way. It's important to take care of yourself when things like last night happen._  

_(3:07pm) Text me if you feel up to it, if not, it's okay too. I love you xxx_  

**_~_**  

**_(4:37pm) Hey, I'm really sorry for what happened last night. I was drunk and acting stupid. I'm sorry I bothered you. If you don’t want me to come over this weekend, I totally get that._**  

_(4:37pm) Sirius, where are you coming from with this idea? If I ever made you feel like I don’t want you to come, then I apologise, because believe me, I do want you here. If you don’t feel up to it, it's okay and I of course won't hold a grudge against you, but please don’t feel like I don’t want to see you. I miss you a lot and I wish I could help you feel better._  

**_(4:38pm) It's not your fault. You didn’t say or do anything that made me feel like this. I'm just a piece of shit_**  

_(4:38pm) Don’t talk about yourself like that, Sirius, please. Tell me what happened that made you feel this way, maybe we can figure out a way to help you feel better together._  

**_(4:39pm) I can't. Not like this_**  

_(4:39pm) Through text messages, you mean?_  

**_(4:39pm) Yeah._**  

_(4:40pm) Okay. But if you feel bad again, please talk to someone. It's okay if you don’t want to tell me, but tell someone. Please. I know it can be difficult to ask for help, but I don’t want you to feel like you're alone when you're sad. I love you, okay?_  

**_(4:40pm) I love you too_**  

_(4:41pm) So will you come over this weekend? Or do you need some time to think about it?_  

**_(4:41pm) Do you really want me to come?_**  

_(4:41pm) More than anything_  

**_(4:41pm) Okay. Then I'll come_**  

_(4:41pm) Awesome!!_  

 

_November 18_ _th_  

_(5:12pm) Are you still up?_  

**_(5:12pm) Yeah. What's up?_**  

_(5:12pm) I had such an awful day. Can't wait to get out of here!!_  

**_(5:12pm) What happened?_**  

_(5:14pm) I got in a fight with one of the girls in my unit this morning because she kept using a word that I told her a thousand times triggers me majorly but even when I started shouting at her to stop, she kept provoking me so eventually I snapped and punched her in the face. Then they put me in the isolation room until I calmed down again and promised them I wouldn’t hit anyone again. They let me out again about an hour ago and I had to fill out a_ _behavior_ _analysis (some stupid form that you have to fill out whenever you show 'problematic_ _behavior_ _') and apologise to her. They made her fill that thing out too and she had to apologise as well also they revoked her weekend privileges (she has to stay in the clinic over the weekend) because it's not the first time she purposefully provoked others and because I get out this Saturday and they can't force me to stay here over the weekend, I only get my phone from 4-6 for the rest of the days that I'm here_  

**_(5:14pm) Holy shit_**  

**_(5:14pm) It was her own fault though, you shouldn’t get punished_**  

_(5:14pm) No, I'm not mad about getting punished, I mean I almost broke her nose, I'm just angry that I had to apologise to her_  

_(5:14pm) Because I'm not sorry at all_  

**_(5:15pm) I can't even imagine you that angry_**  

**_(5:15pm) Like, punching someone,_** ** _etc_**  

_(5:15pm) Oh boy_  

_(5:15pm) That's_ _gonna_ _be a nasty surprise for you when you see me like that for the first time_  

**_(5:15pm) Now I'm scared_**  

_(5:16pm) You should be_  

_(5:16pm) I can be really nasty_  

_(5:16pm) I'm working on it, but it's still quite bad. Especially when I'm on my period, because I get really bad mood swings and on top of that I'm irritated because I always feel so dysphoric and because of my cramps (sorry if it makes you uncomfortable when I talk about that)_  

**_(5:17pm) It's totally okay for me when you talk about that. And I get it – well, as far as I can understand something I've never personally experienced. From what I've heard about how periods are, I honestly have deep respect for everyone who has to go through this. I'm not_** ** _gonna_** ** _lie, I'd probably not survive one day_**  

_(5:17pm) Keep that with the respect in mind when you come over this weekend please_  

**_(5:17pm) Oh_**  

**_(5:17pm) Okay_**  

**_(5:17pm) Do you want me to bring you chocolate?_**  

_(5:17pm) You are so cute_  

**_(5:17pm) Stop calling me cute_**  

_(5:17pm) I will stop calling you cute when you stop being cute_  

**_(5:18pm) Okay your period is nasty and I don't want to hear you ever talk about it again and don't even touch me when you're on it_**  

_(5:18pm) :(_  

**_(5:18pm) I feel really bad for that message even though it was just a joke. You know that it was a joke, right?_**  

_(5:18pm) Yes, I knew you were joking. But even if you weren’t, you wouldn't be the first guy to say that to me_   

**_(5:18pm) Wtf_**   

**_(5:18pm) Who said that to you? Tell me, I’ll punch them in the face_**   

_(5:18pm) He’s like 26 by now and he’s 6’3_   

**_(5:18pm) I_** ** _don't care, I’ll punch him_**   

_(5:19pm) Aww that's so cute from you_   

**_(5:19pm) Shut up_**   

_(5:19pm) Never_   

**_(5:19pm) You’re stupid_**   

_(5:19pm) Go to sleep and you’ll be safe from me for a couple of hours_   

**_(5:20pm) Nah_**   

**_(5:20pm) I can’t sleep anyways_**   

_(5:20pm) At least try. Please. You need sleep. Especially because you have school tomorrow._   

**_(5:21pm) I don't care. Don't even know if I’m going anyways_**   

_(5:21pm) Please tell me you’re not skipping school_   

**_(5:21pm) I’m not skipping school_**   

_(5:21pm) Is that the truth or did you just tell me what I want to hear?_   

**_(5:_** ** _21pm)_** ** _The latter_**   

_(5:22pm) Sirius…_   

_(5:22pm) Please_ _don't do that. You will just get behind with everything and be so much more stressed afterwards_   

**_(5:22pm) I don't care_**   

_(5:22pm) It’s just a few more months until you graduate. Just hold on for that time_   

**_(5:23pm) Oh my god just fuck off_**   

_(5:23pm) I’m sorry, okay? I didn't mean to make you angry_   

_~_   

_(5:40pm) I approached this the wrong way and I’m really sorry, yeah? I know you're going through a rough time right now, but please don't make the same mistakes I did. Skipping school and shutting yourself away from everyone isn't the right way. I don't know what happened that made you feel this way, but whatever it is,_ _please talk to someone about it. You have so many people who love you and support you and want to be there for you. Just talk to someone, please. I’m sure there’s a way to also help you with school. Maybe you can take some proper time off – not cutting class_ _–_ _or maybe there’s another way. I know getting help is difficult, but don't wait too long. Don't wait until you hit rock bottom, okay? People love you and they will help you._   

_(5:40pm)_ _It's okay if you don't want to talk to me at the moment and I’m genuinely sorry for upsetting you, but don't forget that I love you, okay? Xxx_   

  

_November 19_ _th_   

**_(3:43am) I’m sorry I lashed out on you last night. Thank you for what you said though_**   

_~_   

_(4:09pm) It's okay, Sirius. I understand. Are you feeling better?_   

**_(4:09pm) I guess_**   

_(4:09pm) Did you go to school today?_   

**_(4:09pm) No. But I called in sick and my mum knows I’m home_**   

_(4:09pm) Okay, that's good xx_   

_~_   

_(5:25pm) You're still planning on coming this weekend though, right?_   

**_(5:27pm) Yeah_**   

_(5:27pm) Good_   

_(5:27pm) Shouldn't you be going to sleep?_   

**_(5:28pm) It's not even 11 yet_**   

_(5:28pm) Are you going to school tomorrow?_   

**_(5:28pm) No_**   

_(_ _5:29pm) Alright_   

_(5:29pm) I hope you feel better soon, yeah? And I’m really looking forward to seeing you this weekend. I love you xxx_   

**_(5:30pm) Love you too_**   

  

_November_ _20_ _th_   

_(4:15pm) My last day here is almost over!!_   

_(4:15pm) Also you're_ _gonna_ _be here tomorrow! I’m so excited!!!_   

_(4:15pm)_ _What time does your plane leave?_   

_~_   

**_(4:43pm) 2:25am_**   

_(4:43pm) Oh, that's so early_   

_(4:43pm) Do you have a direct flight?_   

**_(4:43pm) Yeah, your dad made sure of that, even though it cost him a lot more. I mean I'm glad about it, but I do feel_** ** _kinda_** ** _bad._**  

_(4:44pm) Don’t feel bad! It's okay._  

_(4:44pm) I'm so excited to see you tomorrow!_  

**_(4:44pm) Me too_**  

_(4:44pm) Are you nervous? Because of the flight, I mean_  

**_(4:45pm) Yeah... I never did this on my own before_**  

_(4:45pm) I'm sure it will be fine!_  

_(4:45pm) I wish I could offer you to text me anytime like you did when I came over, but I have to hand in my phone at 6_  

**_(4:46_** ** _pm) It's okay_**  

_(4:47pm) How are you feeling today?_  

**_(4:47pm) Quite okay, I_** ** _gues_** ** _s_**  

**_(4:47pm) How about you? Are you just excited about leaving or also nervous?_**  

_(_ _4:49pm) Well, I'm mainly excited – especially because you're coming – but I'm also a bit scared. I mean I do feel more stable than before and being here again helped me to_ _remember some of the stuff that I learned the last time and kind of_ _forgot in the time I was away from there. But still. I mean when you're there you're really protected from a lot of things that will catch up as soon as you leave. So yeah, I'm excited, but also a nervous._  

**_(4:49pm) Yeah, I get that. So, what are you_** ** _gonna_** ** _do when you're home again? I mean... are you going back to work?_**  

_(4:50pm) No. Not at first at least. I'm_ _gonna_ _go to a day unit, it's in some ways similar to the clinic here, but with the difference that I can go home every evening. I'll just have different kinds of therapy there and stuff like that_  

**_(4:50pm) What kinds of therapy?_**  

_(4:51pm) Well, I won't have normal one-on-one therapy there because I want to go back to the therapist I had before I went to the clinic, but we'll have group therapy and skills group and social skills_ _training_ _and then I could choose between music therapy and art therapy (I chose art)_  

**_(4:51pm) Sounds great!_**  

**_(4:51pm) And are you going there every day? Monday through Friday, I mean?_**  

_(4:52pm) No, for starters only Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays_  

**_(4:52pm) Okay. And you're starting next week?_**  

_(4:52pm) Yeah_  

**_(4:53pm) I'm sure it'll do you good. That's better than just going back to work right away. Take your time to get back into things. Also art therapy sounds like it's_** ** _gonna_** ** _be fun – though I_** ** _would have chosen music. For myself, I mean_**  

_(4:54pm) Yeah, it was a touch decision. I'm sure both of them would be great_  

_(4:54pm) I'm just kind of on the fence about the social skills training_  

**_(4:54pm) Why?_**  

_(4:55pm) It seems so stupid. I mean, I know that I need it but I feel so stupid for that. Like, why can't I just be able to interact with people like any normal person?_  

**_(4:55pm) There's absolutely nothing wrong with needing help with that, Remus. Interacting with people, especially strangers, can be difficult._** ** _I mean it's sometimes hard for me too and_** ** _I don’t have anxiety._** ** _I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it must be with it._**  

_(4:55pm) But I mean I know other people with anxiety who don’t have that many problems with this_  

**_(4:56pm) People are different. And though I am by no means an expert on that subject, I think it's safe to say that people's anxieties are different as well. Don’t beat yourself up over this. Just take the opportunity to learn something new_**  

_(4:57pm) Thank you_  

**_(4:57pm) No problem, really_**  

**_(4:57pm) I'm so proud of you for how far you've come, Remus. Please don’t ever forget that_**  

_(4:58pm) Thank you, Sirius. I love you so much_  

**_(4:58pm) I love you too_**  

**_(4:58pm) I'm_** ** _gonna_** ** _go finish packing now and then maybe take a nap before Mum drives me to the airport, okay?_**  

_(4:59pm) Okay. I'm so excited to see you tomorrow!! And if anything goes wrong – which I don’t think will happen, but just in case – text or call my dad, he will know what to do_  

**_(4:59pm) I will. Have a nice last evening / night at the clinic. See you tomorrow xxx_**  

_(4:59pm) Thank you. Have a safe flight!_  

**_(4:59pm) Thanks_ **


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this chapter actually wasn't supposed to end where it does but it just kept getting longer and longer so I decided to split it lol

“Remus he won’t show up any sooner just because you tear off my arm,” his father muttered and freed his arm from Remus’ grip.

“But I’m so excited!”

“That’s not my fault. Why do I have to suffer?”

Remus laughed and nudged his father in the shoulder, before he turned his attention back to where Sirius would – hopefully – show up soon.

He was so excited to see Sirius!

Although the time in the clinic had definitely done him good, it had been quite difficult from time to time, also he’d missed everyone a lot. He was so glad Sirius was coming today!

Of course he’d also missed Lily incredibly much, but she’d promised to come to New York over Christmas break, so it wasn’t much longer until he’d see her again either.

“There he is!” He called out excitedly when he spotted Sirius and raced closer. As soon as Sirius had stepped aside, so he wasn’t blocking anyone’s way, Remus pulled him in a tight hug. Sirius held him firmly burying his face in the crook of Remus' neck.

They stood there for a long time, just holding each other. When they eventually loosened the hug, Remus leaned in, but before he could kiss Sirius, he’d already pulled back and turned his head. For a moment, Remus was taken aback, but then again, maybe Sirius just hadn’t noticed.

When Sirius said hi to Remus’ parents, Remus noticed how tired he looked. Much more than if he was just tired from the long journey, or even from a couple of days with too little sleep. It worried Remus.

“How was your journey?” Remus asked Sirius as they were walking to his father’s car.

“I have never been this stressed out in my whole life.” Sirius sighed deeply and ran his hand through his hair. “I was so scared of not being where I was supposed to be or missing the plane.”

“But you made it here.”

“Yeah.” Sirius looked at him and smiled lightly, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

He really wished Sirius would tell him what was wrong, but he didn't want to ask in front of his parents so he just reached out for Sirius’ hand and gave it a light squeeze.

Remus’ parents asked them if they wanted to go eat lunch somewhere, but Sirius was really exhausted and Remus would also rather go home than be around strangers much longer, so they just grabbed some takeaway on the way home.

“Can we go eat in my room?” Remus asked his parents as soon as they arrived home.

“Sure. But don't make a mess.”

“We won’t.” Remus grabbed his suitcase – they’d gone directly to the airport after his parents had picked him up at the clinic so it had still been in the car when they’d picked up Sirius – and the bag with his and Sirius’s food and then went to his room, Sirius following right behind him. He shoved the suitcase in his closet – he’d unpack later… or never… – and then closed the door of it, before he put the bag with the food on his nightstand and flopped down on his bad.

“God, I missed home.” He sat up again and looked at Sirius, who was still standing in the doorframe, looking everywhere except for Remus eyes.

“Do you want to talk?” Remus asked softly.

Sirius swallowed empty and exhaled shakily, but then just shrugged.

“We can eat first,” Remus suggested. “And then you can take a nap and get some rest and we’ll talk afterwards. – Or not at all, if you prefer that.”

Sirius stepped forward and sat down on the edge of the bed next to Remus. “We probably should talk,” he said then quietly. “But… later. Please.”

“Of course.”

Remus handed Sirius his food and then stood up to turn on the stereo. They ate in silence, except for the music playing in the background.

“If you want to, you can take a shower,” Remus said and pointed towards the bathroom door when Sirius finished eating. “Towels are on the shelf, you’ll see them when you walk in there,” he added when Sirius nodded.

“Thank you,” Sirius said quietly and then stood up and grabbed his backpack, disappearing in the bathroom. Remus looked after him and sighed quietly when the door was closed. He really wanted to help Sirius.

When he finished eating as well, he grabbed the now empty containers and the plastic bag and brought it in the kitchen to toss it away. His mom was there, sitting on one of the high stools at the counter and working on something on her laptop.

“Everything alright?” she asked him when she noticed him and looked up from her laptop.

“Yeah.”

She held her arm out towards him and he stepped closer, letting her hug him.

“I’m really glad you're back home,” she said and smiled at him.

“Me too.”

“Is everything alright with Sirius?” she asked then. “He looked a bit down.”

“Oh, he’s just tired,” Remus waved off. “He’s taking a shower now and we’ll probably watch a movie or something afterwards, so he can get some rest.”

“Okay.”

Remus attempted to go back to his room, but his mother held him back.

“Hold on, please. Just a second. I want to talk to you about something.”

“Um, okay.”

“You know that your father and I are happy for you and Sirius, don't you?”

“Uh… yes?”

“Nevertheless, we thought it would be better to remind you to… be careful.”

“Oh.” Remus fought against the urge to hit himself on the forehead when he realised what this was about. “Oh my god. Momma. No.” He started to back away, but his mother held him back again.

“Remus, you don't need to be embarrassed, we just want to make sure… no one's getting pregnant. You know that's still a risk.”

“Oh my god, _Momma_.” Remus’ voice turned into a squeak and he could feel himself blushing deeply. “ _No one_ ’s getting pregnant because _nothing_ that could get anyone pregnant is happening. Okay?”

“Remus, you-”

“ _No_ ,” he interrupted her. “Please. I’m begging you. Stop. I’m not getting pregnant, okay?”

She looked as if she was about to say something more, but then she just nodded. When Remus turned away to head back to his room though, his mom called after him, “just in case you change your mind, look in the top drawer of your night stand.”

“Oh my _god_ , Momma I hate you.”

He could hear her laugh before he slammed the door to his room shut behind himself. He almost didn't dare to open the drawer, but sure enough there was a box of condoms.

Remus groaned and flopped down on his bed burying his face in the pillows.

“Are you okay?” he heard Sirius’ voice a few minutes later.

“Why does everyone want us to fuck?!” Remus sighed and turned around.

Sirius’ eyes widened and he blinked confused. “Uhh… what?”

Remus reached out to open the drawer and tossed the box to Sirius. “From my parents.”

When Sirius caught it and looked at it, he smirked. “ _Durex extra safe condoms_ ,” he read. “Man, your parents really are scared of you getting pregnant. I mean, my mom at least got us ‘ _intensely close’_.”

“Oh my _god_ , Sirius.” Remus threw one of his pillows at him. “You’re not making it better.”

Sirius sat down on the edge of the bed and put the box back in the drawer. “Come on. It’s not that bad.”

“Yes, it is.” Remus scrunched his nose. “It’s so embarrassing.”

“I know. But just try to laugh about it. Makes it easier.”

Remus sighed and leaned back against the pillows. “How are you feeling?” he asked then. “Do you want to take a nap?”

Sirius hesitated for a moment, but then turned towards him. “Can we talk first?”

“Of course.” Remus moved over so Sirius could sit more comfortably.

Sirius took a deep breath and looked at Remus for a moment, before he lowered his gaze. “A couple of days after me and my mom came back home… something happened. I don’t- I don’t want to talk about this right now but…” He swallowed emptily and hesitated for a moment. “You know that I haven’t been doing this well lately. I felt bad about myself and I drank a lot and then…” He stopped and clenched his shaking hands to fists.

“Sirius, it’s okay,” Remus said and reached out to take his hand. “You can tell me.”

“Last weekend,” Sirius continued. “I was… drunk. And sad. And lonely. And I… I slept with someone.” He exhaled shakily, but before Remus could say something, he continued. “I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t- I didn’t mean for this to happen. I just-” He stopped himself. “There’s no excuse for this.” He looked up at Remus, obviously terrified from how he could possibly react.

“Sirius,” Remus said softly. “It’s okay.”

“But I-”

“We're not in a relationship, Sirius,” Remus reminded him. “We agreed on that. It’s okay for you to sleep with other people.”

“But I love you.”

“Yes.” Remus smiled lightly. “I’m not saying you don’t. I’m just saying, that we are not in a committed relationship at the moment. So you didn’t cheat on me. It’s okay.”

“You’re not mad at me?”

“No.”

“Oh.” Sirius sighed relieved and leaned forward to hug Remus tightly. Remus returned the hug and pressed a kiss on Sirius’ cheek.

“But you… still want to be with me? In a relationship, I mean. At some point,” Sirius asked insecurely.

“Of course.”

“I really didn’t mean for this to happen.”

“It’s okay, Sirius.”

Of course there was a jealous part of him that wasn’t as okay with it as he said, but he was glad that Sirius had been honest with him so they could talk about it.

“I swear this won’t happen again, Remus. I _want_ to be with you. I won’t do this again.”

“Sirius, you don’t need to justify yourself. Look, I get it. I really do. We live so far apart, you were upset, you were alone… it happened. But even if it hadn’t been for these reasons. Even if you just want to have sex for the sake of it, it’s okay. _This_ is one of the reasons I didn’t want this between us to get serious yet. You like to go out with your friends, you like to drink, things happen. And I don’t want these things to ruin what we have. I don’t mean to say with this that I don’t trust you, I just don’t want something like this to get between us before we even get a proper chance to be together. Do you get what I mean?”

Sirius nodded slowly, but he didn’t look really convinced.

“Sirius, I love you, I really do. But I don’t think it would be a good idea for us to be in a relationship right now. In summer, you said you’d understand. Don’t you anymore?”

“I do…” He sighed. “I just… feel like you don’t want it anymore.”

“Of course I do, Sirius.” Remus leaned closer and when Sirius raised his head he kissed him softly. “Just not now, okay?”

“Okay.”

“So… is everything okay between us?”

“Yes.” Sirius nodded and smiled at him, pulling him in a hug.

“Good. – And… you know that if you want to talk about whatever happened that upset you in the first place, I’m here for you, okay?”

“Thank you. Maybe… later.”

Remus nodded. “Whenever you feel like it. – So, anyways. Do you want to take a nap? You look dead tired.”

“I don't know. I kinda feel bad sleeping when I’m only here until tomorrow evening.”

“It’s okay. We can just watch a movie and you can rest a little and if you fall asleep, that’s fine.”

“But don’t let me sleep too long.”

Remus nodded and then started up his laptop. He’d used to have a TV in his room, but he’d never used it and it had just taken up a lot of space so he’d given it away.

He started up Netflix and turned on a movie. Sirius lay down behind him and slung his arm around Remus’ waist.

“I’m really happy to be here,” he murmured and pressed a kiss against the back of Remus’ neck.

“I’m happy you’re here too.”

***

Sirius fell asleep less than ten minutes later and Remus let him sleep for a bit over two hours before he woke him up again. Sirius groaned sleepily and pulled Remus against his chest.

“Still tired?”

Sirius just hummed in agreement and pressed a kiss against Remus’ neck. “What time’s it?” he asked then, his voice sounding hoarse.

“About half past four.”

Sirius groaned and then sat up, rubbing over his eyes. “Don’t let me fall asleep again, okay? I don’t wanna spend all the time I’m here sleeping.”

“Do you want a coffee?”

“That would be great.”

“You can stay here if you want to,” Remus offered. “I’ll go and get you one. You just have to tell me if you want milk or sugar or anything.”

“No, I’ll come with you. I think it’s best if I get up for a bit, or I’ll just fall asleep again.”

“I feel bad keeping you awake if you’re that tired.” Remus scrunched his nose.

“You’re not keeping me awake. I’m deciding to stay awake.”

“Still. You already don’t get enough sleep.”

Sirius just shrugged.

They walked into the kitchen and Remus took two mugs out of the cupboard. “Do you want just a normal coffee or do you want a latte macchiato or a cappuccino or an espresso?”

“What, do you hide a Starbucks back there or something?”

Remus snorted and rolled his eyes. “Yeah. We have our own private Starbucks.”

“Posh as you are, wouldn’t surprise me.”

“When will you shut up about this? I’m not posh.”

Sirius just raised an eyebrow and looked at him, but didn’t say anything.

“Just tell me what you want to drink.”

“Macchiato? If it’s not too elaborate.”

“No, that’s okay.”

Remus made the coffee and Sirius sat down on one of the stools.

“Do you want some sugar?” Remus asked him when he placed the coffee in front of Sirius.

“Yes, please.”

Remus grabbed the sugar and handed it to him before he made his own coffee and then sat down next to Sirius.

“Lily’s coming here over Christmas, right?” Sirius asked him.

“Yeah.” Remus frowned. “Did she tell you that?”

“Uh, no, James.”

“James?” Remus raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah. The two of them have been texting quite a lot since she was at our place, uh, last month. I think he fancies her.” Sirius grinned and Remus’ mouth fell open.

“No way! Oh my god.”

“Didn’t she say anything?”

“Well… she mentioned him one time. Said he was an idiot and an asshole. So I guess his chances are quite good.”

Sirius looked at him and narrowed his eyes. “Was that sarcasm?”

“No. That’s just Lily.”

Sirius snorted. “God, I feel sorry for James.”

“Hey.” Remus nudged him in the side. “Lily’s not that bad.”

“No, but James’ can be a bit of an ass sometimes. I mean he’s my brother and I love him, but even though I’ve only met her once I know that Lily won’t take as much of his shit as others. I mean, I don’t know if he really likes her like that or not, but either way…” Sirius shrugged. “Like when we were in London, do you remember? He says a lot of shit like that. And, correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think Lily will let it slip.”

“No, she definitely won’t,” Remus agreed. “So, what do you want to do today?” he asked Sirius then.

“I don’t know.” Sirius shrugged. “I mean the weather’s quite bad and I suppose you wouldn’t be very thrilled to go out anyways, so we can just stay in.”

“It’s okay if you want to go somewhere.”

“No, it’s fine. It’s cold outside anyways.”

“Are you sure?” Remus frowned lightly. “I don’t want you to think we have to stay in just because of me.”

Sirius waved off. “Don’t worry. It’s okay.”

“Alright. But tell me if you change your mind. Or if you want to go somewhere tomorrow.”

“Sure.”

When they both finished their coffee, they went back to Remus’ room.

“I swear, you own more books than a library.” Sirius shook his head lightly. “Also movies. How many movies do you own?”

“I don’t know.” Remus shrugged. “I counted them once, like two years ago and it were like a hundred, I think. But I bought a lot more since then.”

“Jesus Christ. Did you count your books too?”

Remus blushed. “Three hundred and thirty something. But that was counting all the books I read when I was a kid as well.”

“Holy shit. And you read _all_ of them?”

“Yeah. Well I do have some now that I haven’t read yet, but it’s because I just bought them recently.”

Sirius shook his head lightly. “I’ll never get what you like about reading. It’s boring.”

“It’s not. You just need to find the right book for you.”

Sirius scrunched his nose. “I think I’ll stick to movies.”

“You do you. But you’re missing out a lot. Believe me.”

“That’s _your_ opinion.” Sirius grinned at him and leaned closer to press a kiss on his cheek. “Can we watch a movie?” he asked then.

“Sure. We can also watch it in the living room if you want to. Bigger screen there.”

“Awesome. Can I choose?”

“Yeah.”

Sirius stepped in front of the shelf again and looked through Remus’ DVDs. “Oh my god,” he exclaimed suddenly. “No way! _The Goonies_. I didn’t think it was possible that I could love you any more than I already did, but here we go.” He pulled the DVD out from in between the others. “I haven’t seen this movie in forever.”

Remus smiled at Sirius’ enthusiastic reaction and then got up from his bed. Sirius followed him to the living room and Remus turned on the TV and started up the DVD player.

“Remus, I swear to god, if you tell me one more time you're not posh I will kick your ass. Look at this TV, Jesus Christ.”

Remus shook his head lightly and rolled his eyes. “You’ve already been here once. Why does everything surprise you that much?”

“My thoughts were a little too preoccupied to notice TVs the last time I was here.”

Remus scrunched his nose and just turned away, not saying anything to it. He didn’t know why he’d addressed the topic in the first place. Sirius didn’t comment on it any further either, but instead just sat down on the couch.

“Should I make popcorn?” Remus asked and tossed Sirius the remote.

“Sure.”

“Okay. Be right back.”

He could punch himself in the face for talking about last month. He hated thinking about it. Hated how much he’d hurt the people he loved.

When he put the popcorn in the microwave, he leaned his forearms on the counter and lowered his head, forcing himself to take some deep breaths.

The bell of the microwave startled him and he snapped upright, wincing when he saw Sirius in the door frame.

“I didn’t mean to startle you,” Sirius apologised. “Are you okay?”

Remus nodded, but his hands were shaking when he opened the cupboard to get a bowl out of it. He almost dropped it, but Sirius was there and took it from him, placing it on the counter.

“I’m sorry,” Remus murmured, lowering his head.

“It’s okay.” Sirius gently pulled him in a hug, rubbing his back. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.” Remus shook his head. “I don’t know why I brought it up in the first place. I hate thinking about it. I feel so awful for what I’ve done.”

“Please don’t feel bad about it. I know it’s not as easy as to just turn the bad feelings off, but nobody is reproaching you for what happened, okay?” Sirius pressed a kiss on his temple. “We’re all just glad you’re alright.”

Remus sighed and buried his face against Sirius’ chest, tightening the hug for a moment before he stepped back. “Let’s just go watch the movie,” he said then.

“Okay.” Sirius smiled lightly at him.

Remus poured the popcorn into the bowl and they went back to the living room.

 

They were just about halfway through the movie, when Remus’ father came to the living room.

“Hope and I are going out for dinner,” he said. “Do you two want to come?”

Remus scrunched his nose, but looked at Sirius. “I’ll come if you want to go.”

Sirius shrugged. “Not necessarily.”

“Alright.” He turned to his dad. “We’ll stay here then.”

“Okay.”

“When are you two leaving?”

“I don’t know.” His father looked at his wristwatch. “In about half an hour, probably.”

“And when will you be back?”

“What are you planning on doing?” his dad asked suspicious.

Remus rolled his eyes. “Throwing a huge party with all my hundreds of friends and trashing the whole apartment.”

“Oh, alright then.”

“Seriously, when will you two be back?”

“I don’t know. Two hours? Three? Why is it important?”

“How will I know nothing happened to you if I don’t know when you're supposed to be back?”

His dad’s face softened. “I’m guessing we’ll be back between eight and nine. We’ll let you know if it gets later.”

“Thank you.”

Half an hour later, his parents both came to the living room to say goodbye to them.

“Have fun,” Remus said after he’d hugged them.

“You too. Not too much fun though.” His father turned to Sirius and pointed threateningly at him. “I’m looking at you, young man,” he said sternly.

Sirius’ eyes widened and a blush creeped from his neck over his whole face. “I– I’m–” he stuttered helplessly.

“ _Dad!_ ” Remus prodded his father in his upper arm. “Don’t be mean to him. – He’s just joking,” he said to Sirius.

“Come on, Lyall. Let’s go before you scare the poor boy away.” Remus’ mother smiled at Sirius and nudged her husband out of the living room. “Have a nice evening, boys.”

“You too.”

Remus sat down next to Sirius again and smiled apologising. “I’m sorry about my dad. Don’t worry though, he was just joking.”

“It’s okay. A little warning would have been nice, though.”

“I didn’t know he would do that,” Remus defended himself. “The only one of my friends he’s ever met before is Lily and that was completely different.”

“Anyways. As long as I know he’s just joking it’s alright.”

“Good.”

When they finished the movie, they decided to order something for dinner and while they waited, and later while they were eating, they watched another movie in the living room. After they’d finished eating, they went back to Remus’ room. Remus went to take off his binder and to change into some more comfortable clothes in his closet.

“Hey, can I ask you something?” Sirius, who’d just come out of the bathroom, asked him afterwards.

“Yeah?”

“What’s that thing on the wall behind your bathtub? It looks like a really... weird anti-slip mat.”

“Oh, you can put that in the bathtub and connect it to some weird machine and it will basically turn your bathtub in a whirlpool.”

Sirius’ eyes widened. “Are you kidding me?! That’s awesome.”

“You can try it out if you want to,” Remus offered.

“With you?”

“W–what?”

“Will you take a bath with me?”

“Oh. I– I can’t.” Remus shook his head, wrapping his arms around himself. “I can’t– be naked in front of someone. I can barely do it alone.”

“You don’t have to be naked. You can wear like a bathing suit or something. Or your underwear.”

Remus clenched his jaw. He wasn’t completely against the idea, he just didn’t know if he’d be able to do this.

“I’m sorry,” Sirius said then. “I don’t want to sound like I’m trying to convince you to do something you’re not comfortable with. That’s not my intention. I just thought maybe there's a way you’d feel okay doing this. But it’s okay if not.”

“I don’t... I don’t know,” Remus said insecurely. “I mean... I can try, but... I don’t know if I can do this.”

“We can try it, if you want to, but if you feel uncomfortable at some point, just tell me, okay?”

Remus nodded and bit down on his lower lip. He really wanted to try this and for it to work, but at the same time he felt stupid for how much overcoming he needed for this.

“I’ll, uh, I’ll go see if I still remember how this thing works, okay?”

Sirius nodded and he seemed to sense that Remus needed a minute alone, because he didn’t follow him to the bathroom. Remus pulled the machine out of the cabinet and put the mat in the bathtub, before he connected the two things and plugged it in. He started to fill the bathtub with water and then left the bathroom again. Sirius was standing in front of his book shelf again, reading the blurb of a book, but when he heard Remus, he looked up.

“You alright?”

Remus just nodded.

Sirius put the book back and stepped up to him. “You know you don’t have to do this, right? It was just an idea. It’s completely okay if you don’t want to.” He laid his hands on Remus’ waist and kissed him gently. “Okay?”

“I do... want to. I’m just– I don’t know. Scared. And I feel stupid for that.”

“Don’t feel stupid. It’s okay. And if there’s anything I can do to make this easier for you, tell me, okay?”

Remus nodded and hugged Sirius tightly for a moment. “Can you, uh... go make sure it doesn’t overflow?” he asked Sirius then. “I’m uh...” He paused, unsure what to say.

“It’s okay.” Sirius smiled softly at him. “Take your time, yeah?” He pressed a kiss on Remus’ cheek and then went to the bathroom, closing the door behind himself.

Remus exhaled shakily and ran his hand through his hair. Why did he have to be so fucking pathetic all the time? He hated himself for this. Why couldn’t he just be normal for once?

Frustrated, he closed the door to his closet with more force than necessary behind himself. He slid off his jeans and pulled his shirt over his head. At first, he thought about just wearing his boxer shorts and a sports bra (he didn’t own any swimsuit whatsoever) but when he looked down at the scars covering his upper body, he switched the sports bra for a shirt instead.

Before he opened the bathroom door, he hesitated though. The shirt he was wearing was quite loose now, but once it was wet that would change. He’d never been without either a sports bra or a binder around anyone in forever. For a second he thought about going back and putting on a sports bra beneath his shirt, but then he just clenched his jaw and opened the door. Sirius was sitting on the edge of the bathtub, holding the remote to the bubble mat in his hand and played with the different settings. When he noticed Remus, he looked up and flashed him a bright smile.

“This is so amazing. Where did you get that thing?”

“I don’t know. My dad bought this a few years ago but Momma hates it; she doesn’t even want to have it in their bathroom, so she gave it to me.”

“How can someone hate this? It’s so cool.”

Remus laughed. “You can have it, if you want to. I never use it.”

“Why not? It’s great. – Also, that’s nice from you, but I can’t take it with me because I only got my backpack.”

“I don’t like to take baths.”

“Oh.” Sirius nodded understandingly. “Do you still want to try it now though? Or rather not?”

“No, I– I’m fine now. I just mean... generally.”

“Okay.” Sirius smiled at him and then stood up, putting the remote aside. “Do you want me to keep on my underwear as well?” he asked while he pulled his shirt over his head. 

“Uh, yes please.”

“Okay.” Sirius opened his belt and Remus could once again feel a stupid blush creep up over his face and he awkwardly turned away. 

“You know, I’m not that ugly,” Sirius smirked. 

“I– I didn’t mean–”

“I’m just kidding, Remus. No need to defend yourself. – You still alright?”

Remus nodded and then turned back towards Sirius. Sirius pulled a hair tie off his wrist and tied his hair up to a bun, before he stepped over the edge of the tub and sank in the water. Remus hesitated for a moment; he just stood insecurely on the spot, wrapping his arms around himself. But then he looked at Sirius and Sirius smiled encouragingly at him, so he took a deep breath and sat in the bathtub, leaning against the opposite end of Sirius.

“Alright?” Sirius asked, smiling at him.

Remus just nodded, his arms still tightly slung around himself. He could feel the wet fabric clinging tightly to his skin and while the bubbles would probably still hide most of it, he felt really exposed. Sirius didn’t say anything, he gave Remus some times to grow comfortable.

“Sirius?” Remus asked after a few minutes.

“Yeah?”

“Do you think it’s silly that I can’t be naked around you?”

“Not at all,” Sirius said softy. “I think being naked around someone is a big step for most people, even ones without a history like yours and even for people who are very confident in their body. I’m proud of you for taking this step, Remus. You’ve come so far.”

“Thank you, Sirius.” Remus smiled half–heartedly, but lowered his gaze. “But it’s not true. It’s been almost a year since we know us. And I haven’t come any further.”

For a few moments, Sirius just looked at him with an almost wistful look on his face. He held his hand out towards Remus and after a moment of hesitation, Remus lowered his arms that he had still slung around himself and took Sirius’ hand.

“This is gonna sound incredibly cheesy,” Sirius said then, a grin playing around his lips. “But I honestly wish you could see yourself through my eyes. – Through anyone’s eyes. You’re so incredibly strong, Remus. I know you don’t see it, but you are. You went through so much and you’re still here and you’re still fighting. Every day. And despite it all you are such a kind-hearted person and you’re loving and accepting and you care so much for the people around you. I don’t think you realise how much you’ve helped me.”

“I didn’t do anything for you.” Remus turned his head away. “ _You_ always helped _me_.”

“You did help me, Remus,” Sirius disagreed. “I love James and I love Fleamont and Euphemia but it has been really hard for me to believe that they truly want me and that they truly want me to be a part of their family – and not just last month when I was feeling awful anyways. I couldn’t accept their love because I didn’t think I deserved it. I still don’t, sometimes. But meeting you, being your friend has helped me a lot. I’m not saying I fell in love with you and all my problems disappeared, because that would be a lie, but you were a stranger and you had no reason to like me, but you did. You wanted to talk to me. You were in no obligation to stay in contact with me but you _wanted_ to. I think you understand how much it can mean to feel like someone truly wants to spend time with you. I mean, yes, I did have friends before we met and I don’t want to say they’re bad friends, but just as with James and my parents, I sometimes thought they felt obligated to hang out with me, which was the only reason they did. It’s not true, but that’s how I felt. And… you know, just having someone reassure me that I’m a likeable person did so much for me. It might sound like nothing to you, but it means the world to me.”

“Christ, Sirius.” Remus shook his head in disbelief and moved closer, leaning forward to kiss him. “I love you so much. And I’m sorry you felt this way. Because you’re an amazing person and you don’t deserve to feel unloved.”

“I love you too.” Sirius smiled lightly at him, but the smile faded away quickly. “It’s just… sometimes difficult to believe people, because… as much as I hate to admit it, the fact that my… my biological parents rejected me hurts. And then I…” He sighed and lowered his head. “The first Saturday after me and my mom got back to England last month, I… I went to London with a friend. He, uh, had an appointment there, so after he left, I decided to stay a little on my own before I went back home. And I… I walked into this store and… suddenly my brother stood in front of me. I– I didn’t say anything, I was frozen. He saw me, but he didn’t say anything either. He just walked away. I wanted to run. I didn’t want this to happen, but I just stood there, right next to the entrance of the store. And then, I don’t know how much time passed, he came back. But this time with my parents. They were just about to leave the store, but then they saw me. I– uh, I was… I was wearing eyeliner. Like Lily showed me, you know? And my… my father looked at me with so much disgust in his face and… he said–” Sirius swallowed empty, gritting his teeth. “He said… ‘ _I’m glad we got rid of this faggot before anyone could associate_ this _with us.’_ ”

Remus’ mouth fell open and he just stared at Sirius in disbelief. “He said _what_?!” he blurted out eventually, rage taking over every cell of his body. “That fucking asshole. That motherfucker. I will fucking kill him. I will fucking rip him apart and shove his own head so far up his ass he can tickle his fucking uvula with his tongue. That dense fuckwit. I will kill him.”

There were still tears in Sirius’ eyes, but he smiled lightly. “You’re the best,” he said and pulled Remus closer to press a kiss on his cheek.

“I fucking mean it. This piece of shit doesn’t deserve to call himself your father. Don’t listen to what he says you are so much better than him! I will fly to London and punch him in his fucking face, I swear.”

“God, I love you so much, Remus.” Sirius laughed and shook his head. “If I had known you could make me feel that much better about this, I would have told you sooner.”

“If you ever see this human embodiment of horseshit again you tell me and I’ll make sure he suffers.”

“I like you when you’re angry. – Though I’m glad I’m not the subject of your anger.” Sirius pulled Remus against his chest.

Remus leaned against him and turned his head to press a kiss against his jaw. “You’re better than them. And you don’t need them. They don’t deserve you. You have James and Euphemia and Fleamont and they love you and they care about you, okay? You belong with them.”

“Thank you, Remus. – And I’m sorry I made this about me, by the way. I was actually trying to make _you_ feel more comfortable.”

“But I am comfortable now.” Remus smiled at him. He was resting between Sirius’ legs, leaning with his back against Sirius’ chest and Sirius had his arms wrapped around his waist.

“That’s good.” Sirius pressed a kiss on his temple. “Can you reach the remote to this bubble thingy?” he asked then. Remus sat up and grabbed the remote from the floor and handed it to Sirius, who immediately began to play with the different settings.

“This is so cool,” Sirius grinned and Remus coughed and spat when the bubbles suddenly whirled up to his nose.

“Very cool,” he agreed, “if you’re trying to drown me.”

“Sorry.” Sirius smiled apologising and turned it down a little. “It’s not my fault your bathtub is big enough to drown in though. I mean, this thing is huge. Do you have anything normal sized here?”

Remus snorted. “What are you talking about?”

“Hello?! Your TV? This bathtub? Your fucking closet? Also I’m fairly sure your bed is king-size.”

“Well, do you expect me to hold my weekly orgies in a normal sized bed?”

Sirius grinned. “Ah. Orgies. Now, that explains everything.”

Remus laughed. “No, but for real, I know my parents are quite excessive. It’s because my mom didn’t have a lot of money growing up, so when she started to become successful and earn more, she wanted to get everything she never had when she was younger. And then she met my dad and he earns a lot too and he loves to spoil her so long story short, my parents buy a lot of unnecessarily luxurious shit.”

“That’s really cute from your dad though.”

“Yeah.”

Sirius pulled Remus a little higher and leaned his head on his shoulder. Remus leaned back against him and for a while they just sat there in silence.

“Remus?” Sirius asked after a couple of minutes.

“Hm?”

“I hope this doesn’t make you uncomfortable, but...” He hesitated.

“Just say it.”

“The bubbles make your boobs dance.”

Remus snorted loudly and in the next moment had to cough up water because Sirius had loosened his grip around him and because he’d been laughing this hard, he’d slid deeper into the water again.

“Christ Sirius,” he laughed. “I think you’re really trying to kill me.”

“How could I have known this would make you laugh that much?”

“You couldn’t have worded this any different?” Remus asked, still laughing and sat up to wipe the water off his face.

“But it’s true.”

“I'm not saying it’s not true, I’m just saying you could have chosen a different way to express this.”

“No. You have dancing boobs.”

“Oh my god.” Remus rolled his eyes but turned around so he could kiss Sirius. In the movement, some water slopped over the edge of the tub and soaked Sirius' jeans on the floor.

“Shit. Sorry.”

Sirius sat up and pulled them closer, reaching into the pocket. “It’s okay. My phone stayed dry.”

“Good.”

Sirius put them down again and shoved them a bit further away, before he turned back to Remus and kissed him softly. Remus laid his arms around Sirius and pulled him closer. Their bodies were pressed firmly together and Sirius’ hands lay warm on his back, holding him tightly. Remus’ lips wandered along Sirius’ jaw to his neck and Sirius’ hands slid to his sides. A quiet gasp escaped Remus’ lips when Sirius’ thumbs touched the underside of his breasts.

“Sorry,” Sirius murmured.

“No, it’s...” Remus could feel himself blushing deeply. “It's okay.”

Sirius looked up, keeping eye-contact with Remus, while he repeated the motion, just lightly stroking along the curving of his breasts.

“I... I’ve never touched boobs before, y’know?” Sirius chuckled, sounding almost as nervous as Remus felt. He was still looking intently at Remus and Remus knew that if he would only show the slightest sign of uncomfortableness, Sirius would stop touching him immediately. – A very reassuring knowledge.

“No?” he asked, his voice shaking.

Sirius shook his head and his eyes dropped lower for a moment, before he looked up into Remus’ eyes again, silently asking for consent.

Remus nodded, biting down on his bottom lip, watching Sirius’ face with widened eyes. Sirius went slowly, just his thumbs stroking along the underside of Remus' breasts a few times. Alone the small gesture of Sirius looking up after a while, to make sure Remus was still okay with what was happening did so much for Remus! He himself didn’t even know how this would go for him. He didn’t know if at some point he’d get uncomfortable or – heaven forbid – he’d get a panic attack, but knowing – and seeing – how Sirius made sure that he had Remus’ consent for every touch was incredibly reassuring.

Sirius’ eyes locked with Remus’ again as his hands slowly slid higher. Remus’ blush darkened when his nipples hardened under Sirius’ touch and he involuntarily arched his back towards him. Sirius’ tongue darted out to lick over his lips and he swallowed empty as his eyes dropped lower again. He gently cupped Remus’ breasts with his hands.

A smile played around his lips and he looked up at him, as if he wasn’t sure if he should say whatever he was thinking or not. “They’re squishy.”

Remus laughed and shook his head in disbelief. “Squishy?”

“Soft,” Sirius said then. “Is that better?”

“However you wanna describe them is fine.” Remus smiled softly at him. Sirius always found a way to make the tension of a moment pass and Remus was so thankful for this.

“They’re soft,” Sirius repeated. “And heavy.” He frowned lightly.

“I know.” Remus sighed.

“I can carry them for you.” Sirius grinned. “I’ll just walk behind you, reaching around to hold your boobs all the time.”

“You’re an idiot,” Remus laughed and leaned closer to kiss him.

“I know.” Sirius pressed a kiss against Remus’ jaw. He squeezed Remus’ boobs lightly and his thumbs glided over Remus’ nipples again. “Does that feel nice?”

Remus lowered his gaze embarrassed, his face of course deep red once again, and nodded.

“You don’t need to be ashamed,” Sirius said softly. He pinched Remus’ nipples lightly, rolling them between his thumb and his index finger and a quiet moan escaped Remus, before he bit down on his lip to keep himself quiet. He arched his back towards Sirius, but when he pressed their bodies together that way, he could suddenly feel Sirius pressing hard against him.

Remus moved back and he felt his whole body flushing a deep red. “Y–you, uh...” He stuttered little intelligent.

Sirius’ cheeks reddened and he nervously chew on his lower lip. “I’m sorry.”

“N–no, you don’t– I–” Remus clenched his jaw and sighed frustrated. “You don’t have to be sorry. _I’m_ sorry. I– I mean... do you... do you want me to–”

“Remus,” Sirius interrupted him softly. “No. It’s okay.”

“But... I feel bad because I led you on and–”

“No,” Sirius interrupted him again, this time more sharply. “Remus you didn’t lead me on. I’m sorry this made you uncomfortable, okay? But this doesn’t mean anything except that I liked what we did.” He smiled lightly at Remus. “It doesn’t mean you led me on and it certainly doesn’t mean that you have to do anything about it. Okay?”

Remus nodded, but he couldn’t look at Sirius. Part of him was glad that Sirius had told him he didn’t have to do anything, but another part of him was convinced that Sirius was lying and that he was angry at Remus for not doing anything. He could hear the voices of those men again, circling in his mind, endlessly violating and degrading him.

“Remus? Hey, Remus.” Sirius’ voice was suddenly there. “Remus, please look at me.”

Remus slowly looked up and only then he realised that his whole body was shaking. Sirius had climbed out of the tub and was kneeling next to it on the floor, close to Remus.

“Everything’s okay, Remus,” Sirius said softly, his voice sounding calm, even though his eyes gave away that he wasn’t. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. Everything’s okay. – Here.” He got up and pulled a towel from the shelf. “Can you stand up?”

Remus tried, but his legs refused to work. Sirius laid his hand on Remus’ arm, looking at him questioningly to make sure this was okay, before he helped him stand up and step out of the tub. He wrapped the towel around Remus’ shoulders. It was immediately soaked and the shirt Remus was wearing as well as his underwear were dripping on the floor.

“I’ll go get you some clothes, okay?”

Remus nodded and then turned away when Sirius wrapped a towel around his hips and took off his boxer shorts so he wouldn’t drip everywhere in Remus’ room. A minute later he came back, wearing sweatpants and handed Remus a small pile of clothes.

“I hope that’s okay.”

Remus just nodded, not trusting his voice to work.

“I’ll... I’ll be in your room then, okay?” Sirius looked at him worried before he left the bathroom and closed the door behind himself. For a couple of minutes Remus just sat on the toilet lid, staring blankly at the floor in front of him. He felt awful for what just happened. Everything had been so nice and of course once again he had ruined everything. He just wanted to stop hearing their voices all the time. He could deal with the memory of what had happened. Well... somewhat. But what truly fucked him up was that he kept hearing what they’d said to him. Over and over again. And he believed them.

When he finally managed to force his body to move, he took off the wet clothes and dried himself off with a fresh towel before he put on what Sirius had brought him. Then he emptied the tub and hung the bubble mat back on the wall and put away the machine. He wrung out the stuff he and Sirius had worn and wiped the water from the floor with one of the used towels before he grabbed all the wet stuff and took it with him to put it in the dryer.

Sirius was sitting on the edge of the bed and when Remus left the bathroom, he looked up. He looked worried and afraid and it hurt Remus to see him like this.

“Are you okay?” Sirius asked carefully.

Remus nodded. “I’m just... gonna put this stuff in the dryer, okay?”

“Of course.”

Remus slid out of the room, pulling the door closed behind himself and then went into the big bathroom where the washing machine and the dryer were. He put the stuff in the dryer and turned it on before he went back to his room. Sirius was still sitting on the bed and Remus sat down next to him and leaned against him.

“I'm sorry,” he murmured.

“You don’t have to be. _I’m_ sorry. I should have... I dunno, warned you or something.”

“No.” Remus shook his head and pressed a kiss against Sirius’ jaw. “It wasn’t your fault. I really liked what we were doing. But when this happened...” He hesitated for a moment. “I still hear their voices,” he said then quietly. “Everything those men said to me. That it’s my own fault they did this to me. Because I’m a slut and this is the only thing I’m good for. That I led them on and that this is why I have no right to refuse them what they want.” He clenched his jaw and leaned against Sirius, burying his face in the crook of his neck. Sirius laid his arms around him and held him tightly.

“That’s awful, Remus. I’m so incredibly sorry.”

“The thing is... part of me believes them. So I feel like I _have_ to do these things, even though I’m not ready and that scares me. I was fine with what we did, but as soon as I felt that you– you know. As soon as I felt that, the things they said came back and there was a part of me that was telling me that I had to sleep with you or something like this, even though I’m not ready and this is what made me panic. It was none of your fault.”

“I’m so sorry, Remus. I wish I could make this all stop.” Sirius turned his head and pressed a kiss on Remus’ temple. “But I would never expect you to do anything you’re not a hundred percent comfortable with, okay? It’s okay if you want to try out things and it’s okay to stop if it gets too much for you or if you just don’t want anymore. You’re not leading me on and you’re under no obligation to do _anything_ , okay? Your comfort is the most important thing.”

“Thank you, Sirius.” Remus kissed him softly. “For being so patient with me. And... it was really nice tonight. I’m sorry I ruined everything.”

“You didn’t ruin it, Remus.” Sirius smiled at him. “Do you feel better though?”

“Yeah, I’m okay again.”

“Good.”

 

They lay down on the bed and Remus started another movie on his laptop. He was lying behind Sirius with his arm slung around Sirius’ bare waist.

“I can't believe it's not even been a whole year since we know us,” he murmured after a while and pressed a kiss on Sirius’ shoulder. “On Thursday’s the twenty-fifth, I think.”

“It feels like we’ve known us for much longer,” Sirius agreed and turned around to look at Remus. “So much has happened.”

“Yeah.” Remus smiled half-heartedly and lowered his gaze. A lot of things had happened and yet he was not a single step further than last year.

“Hey, don’t be sad.” Sirius kissed him softly. “What’s wrong?”

“I haven’t achieved anything. I’m still the same fuck-up I was a year ago.”

“That’s not true, Remus.”

“Yes, it is.”

Sirius sighed quietly and then said, “You don’t have to answer these questions aloud, but just think about it. When’s the last time you hurt yourself?”

Remus clenched his jaw. “Two weeks ago,” he whispered then.

“And when’s the last time you’ve taken any drugs?”

“I don’t... I don’t know. A couple of months ago, I think.”

“Do you hear that? It’s been _two weeks_ since the last time you hurt yourself. And _months_ since the last time you did drugs.  That is amazing! I’m so incredibly proud of you. And all the things you did this year! You flew all on your own from New York to London and then got on the train to Guildford to meet someone you’ve never seen before. And apart from the fact that this was dangerous and could have gone horribly wrong, it’s an amazing achievement. And then, when we were in London, you wore a short-sleeved shirt in public, even though you were afraid of it at first.  And then you got a job. And you went there even though you were scared. You did so many great things this year, Remus.”

“But I fucked it all up last month.”

“That’s not how this works. Your achievements don’t just disappear because of that.”

Remus pressed his lips together, but didn’t say anything.

“You’re allowed to be proud of yourself, Remus,” Sirius said softly. “You’ve come so far, you really deserve to feel good about yourself.”

Remus sighed quietly. “Thank you, Sirius,” he said and kissed him. He couldn’t quite believe him, but it was still nice to hear him say those things. “And I’m sorry I’m so negative all the time.”

“You don’t have to apologise. I’m glad when you tell me that something’s wrong, so I can help. – Or try to, at least.”

“You’re great at helping me and cheering me up.”

“I’m glad to hear that.” Sirius smiled at him and then sat up. “Uh... I have a question,” he said then.

“Yeah?”

“Can I have the Wi–Fi password?”

“Oh my god. Of course! Why didn’t you say something earlier? I totally forgot.”

“It’s okay. I mean I wasn’t on my phone anyways.” Sirius handed Remus his phone and Remus entered the password.

“Here you go.”

“Thank you.”

Remus turned his attention back to the movie while Sirius checked a couple of things on his phone. After a few minutes, he lay down again and pulled Remus against his chest.

Short before nine, Remus’ mother came to tell them that his father and her were back home.

“Remus, don’t forget that you have to take your medication, yeah?” She reminded him.

“Oh, right. I’ll come take it right now. – Be right back,” he said to Sirius and climbed out of the bed and followed his mom. They had, together with his therapist, agreed that his parents would keep all his medication at a safe place, away from Remus, as a safety measure. He knew that it was better this way, but he also hated that it was necessary.

His mother gave him the pills and he filled a glass with water to swallow them.

“Did you eat dinner?” his mom asked him then.

“Yeah, we ordered something.”

“Good.”

“And, did you and Dad have a nice evening?”

“Yes, it was very nice.”

“That’s great.” Remus smiled at her and then hugged her. “Goodnight, Mom. Love you.”

“Goodnight, Remus. I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also just so it has been said, this story might end soon? I'm not sure though because to be honest this story hasn't gone where it was planned to go since like chapter 5  
> I mean I'm not complaining but I stg Idk who controls this storyline because this has gone to so many places it was never planned to go to???  
> Anyways what I'm trying to say is that this is probably gonna end soon idk how soon though, might be 3 chapters, might be 10, who knows? certainly not me  
> sorry for babbling  
> I'm gonna shut up now


	31. Chapter 31

Remus came back a couple of minutes later and cuddled against Sirius’ chest. Sirius laid his arm around him and pressed a kiss against his temple. They finished watching the movie and afterwards started another one, because neither of them wanted to go to sleep yet. They lay there in silence, Remus' arm wrapped firmly around his waist, until a while later, Remus pressed a kiss against the back of Sirius’ neck.

“I have a question,” he said then and sat up.

Sirius turned around and looked questioningly at him. Remus blushed deeply and chew nervously on his bottom lip.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to though.”

“Yeah?”

“Well... I thought– if– you want to...” His blush darkened and his hands nervously fidgeted with the hem of his sweater.

“Just tell me, Remus. I’m not gonna rip off your head.”

“I just thought... maybe we could... you know, continue? What we– what we did, uh, before?”

“Oh.”

“We don’t have to, if you don’t want to,” Remus said insecurely, seemingly taken aback by Sirius’ reaction.

“No, that’s not what I meant,” Sirius said hastily and sat up as well, taking Remus’ hand. “I just... Are you sure that’s a good idea? After what happened before?”

“I really am okay again,” Remus said sincerely. “Honestly.”

“I mean, if you want to and if you’re sure this won’t lead to anything bad, then of course, Remus. I just want to make sure that we don’t do anything because you feel like you have to.”

“I don’t feel like I have to.”

“Good.” Sirius smiled at him and then laid his hand on Remus’ cheek, pulling him closer for a kiss. Remus moved closer and Sirius pulled him on his lap. Remus’ hands roamed over Sirius’ back and he kissed Sirius’ jaw and his neck. Sirius groaned quietly, his hands slid down to Remus’ butt and he pulled him closer, lowering his face to kiss Remus on the mouth again. Remus laid his arms around Sirius’ neck, burying his fingers in his hair.

“Remus,” Sirius said when he managed to tear himself away from Remus’ lips for a moment. “Is it okay if I... touch you? Uh... under your shirt?” he asked clumsily.

Remus hesitated for a moment, but then nodded.

“Are you sure?” Sirius asked. “It’s okay if not.”

“No, you can. It’s just...” Remus lowered his gaze. “My scars. You’re... you’re gonna feel them. I don’t... If you don’t want to because of that, it’s fine. I know it’s disgusting.”

“Remus, your scars aren’t disgusting.” Sirius kissed him softly on the lips. His hands slid slowly beneath Remus’ sweater, just resting on his hips for a moment. He looked questioningly into Remus’ eyes and when he nodded, Sirius shove his hands a little higher. Remus had been right – he could feel scars on Remus’ stomach beneath his thumbs, but he didn’t think they were disgusting. Of course it saddened him that Remus had gone through so much pain that he’d done this to himself, but it wasn’t disgusting.

“Are you okay?” he asked Remus softly.

Remus was looking at him with widened, almost fearful eyes, as if he was scared of Sirius’ reaction. “I’m fine. But... you don’t think... it’s disgusting?”

“No, Remus.” Sirius kissed his neck. “Not at all.”

Remus smiled lightly and looked more relaxed again. His arms still around Sirius’ shoulders, he kissed him deeply. Sirius slowly shove his hands higher, giving Remus time to interrupt, but when he didn’t, he eventually cupped Remus’ breasts, his thumbs stroking over the nipples. Remus made a small, needy sound in the back of his throat and, holy fucking shit, it made its way directly down to Sirius’ crotch.

Sirius pulled back, interrupting the kiss. “You, uh, you might wanna move down from my lap soon,” he said, blushing lightly. It was unbelievable. He was popping boners as if he was a fourteen year-old virgin again.

“Oh.” Remus’ eyes widened and he blushed lightly. “Again?”

“Don’t say it like that,” Sirius laughed. “It’s at least partly your fault.”

“I’m sorry.” Remus’ blush darkened. “I just– I kind of... never thought you’d really be attracted to me like that.”

“Remus I think you need glasses.” Sirius shook his head lightly. “Do you have any idea how hot you are?”

“Shut up.” Remus turned his head away embarrassed.

“I mean it.”

“No, you’re stupid.”

“Now that’s just mean.”

Remus laughed and pressed a kiss on his lips. “It’s true though.”

“Rude.”

Remus moved down from Sirius’ lap, but he lay down on his back and pulled Sirius with him. Sirius bent over him and kissed him softly. “Do you still want to continue?” he asked him then.

Remus nodded.

“Would you... be comfortable with taking off your jumper? Or is that too much?” Sirius didn’t want to seem like he was pushing Remus, but at the same time he couldn’t deny that he was incredibly turned on right now.

“I think... I think it would be okay.” Remus smiled insecurely.

“Do you want to try it?”

“Y-yeah.” Remus sat up, but when he grabbed the hem of his jumper, he hesitated.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to.”

But he shook his head and then pulled his jumper over his head and laid it aside. He crossed his arms in front of his chest, looking at Sirius insecurely. Sirius knew that Remus was already insecure about his scars and he didn’t want to make it worse, so he hoped that Remus couldn’t see in his face how much it hurt him to see all of them. He didn’t think they were disgusting or anything like that, it just pained him to see how much Remus had gone through.

He raised his gaze and looked into Remus’ eyes, smiling lightly at him. “You okay?” he asked softly.

“Well, you’re not running away calling me ‘sick freak’ yet, so I guess I am.” Remus smiled lightly.

“I would never do that.” Sirius frowned. “Unless, I mean, I find out you really did start digging up corpses to rub them all over your body.”

“Oh my god,” Remus snorted. “Well, I don’t plan on doing that, so I think I’m safe.”

“Good.” Sirius leaned in and kissed Remus’ softly. “Because I’d hate to run from you.”

Remus laid his arms around Sirius’ shoulders as he reciprocated the kiss, leaning back against the pillows, pulling Sirius with him. Sirius peppered Remus’ lips and his jaw with delicate kisses before he leaned back a bit and just looked at him, his eyes trailing down over Remus’ chest. When he looked back at his face, a faint blush had spread over Remus’ cheeks and he looked insecurely at Sirius.

“You’re beautiful,” Sirius said and smiled at him.

“Shut up.” Remus’ blush darkened.

“You are, though.”

“You’re stupid.” Remus pulled him down and kissed him on the mouth.

“Doesn’t change the fact that you’re beautiful though.”

Remus pursed his lips and shook his head lightly. “ _You’re_ beautiful,” he said then quietly, his hands sliding down over Sirius’ chest and his eyes following the movement.

“Why can’t we both be?” Sirius asked, searching for eye contact. “Just because two people don’t look the same, that doesn’t mean they can’t both be beautiful.”

“It does in our case though,” Remus said stubbornly.

“No.” Sirius pressed a peck against Remus’ jaw. “You are my cute prince and the prettiest boy out there and the wonderful, handsome love of my life and I won’t let anyone talk badly about you, especially not yourself,” he said then and grinned at him.

“You are _so_ stupid.” Remus rolled his eyes fondly and smiled lightly.

“I don’t care.” Sirius kissed him. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Sirius lay down on his side next to Remus and slung his arm around Remus’ waist, pulling him closer for a kiss. Remus hugged him tightly and pressed a kiss against his jaw.

“I haven’t felt this comfortable without a shirt on in forever,” he said and kissed Sirius again.

“You have no idea how happy it makes me that you’re comfortable around me.” Sirius smiled at him.

“You make it so easy for me to be comfortable. You always find a way to make me laugh.”

“I’m glad you see it like that.” Sirius chuckled and pressed a kiss on Remus’ temple. “My ex would always get mad at me when I made jokes in situations like this.”

“Really?” Remus frowned.

“Yeah. It annoyed him so much.”

“Well, I like it.” Remus smiled at him. “It makes it a lot easier for me.”

“That’s good.” Sirius kissed Remus softly while his hand slid higher over Remus’ side until his thumb stroke along the underside of Remus’ boob. Remus bit down on his lower lip, but he didn't object, he just watched Sirius’ face closely.

“You know I’m starting to understand why James is so obsessed with boobs. They're great.”

Remus snorted and rolled his eyes fondly. “I’m still gonna get rid of them as soon as I can.”

“Of course. I hope you know that I’m behind you with all of this. Whatever you want – or have – to do to feel comfortable. I’m always gonna be here for you.”

“Thank you, Sirius.”

“Anytime.” Sirius kissed Remus’ mouth before he let his lips wander down to his neck, while his hand still gently cupped Remus’ breast, thumb stroking over his nipple. Remus’ head tipped back and he gasped quietly, burying his fingers in Sirius’ hair. Sirius’ lips trailed lower and Remus arched his back, pressing his body closer to Sirius, but then suddenly he tensed and Sirius pulled back immediately.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I–I’m fine.” Remus nodded, but he looked irritated.

“Did I do something wrong?”

“No.” Remus sighed deeply, turning his head away. “It’s just… cramps,” he said then.

“Oh.” Sirius frowned worriedly. “Do you want me to get you a pain killer or something?”

“No, it’s not that bad yet.” Remus sighed again and then sat up and grabbed his jumper. When he’d put it back on, he smiled apologising at Sirius. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Sirius moved closer and rubbed his back. “Can I do something to help you feel better?”

Remus shook his head and then turned towards Sirius and buried his face in the crook of his neck. “It’s not fair,” he said quietly. “I don’t want to have to go through this every month. I hate it.”

“I’m so sorry, Remus.” Sirius pressed a kiss on top of Remus’ head. “I wish I could make it stop. But if there's anything I can do to help you with this, then please let me know, okay?”

“Thank you, Sirius.”

 

They started to watch another movie, but Sirius could tell that Remus got more and more uncomfortable with every minute. Also his cramps seemed to be _really_ bad.

“Remus, please just tell me where you have painkillers,” Sirius plead when for the third time Remus’ face became alarmingly pale and he curled himself to a ball, pressing his arms against his stomach.

Remus just shook his head.

“Please, Remus.”

“It’s not that bad. And now shut up,” Remus snapped and closed his eyes, letting out a strained breath.

Sirius didn’t take offence at Remus’ tone of voice, he could see in how much pain he was. Instead he sat next to him and rubbed his back, until Remus relaxed again.

“Better?” When Remus nodded, Sirius said again, “Please let me get you a pain killer.”

“No.” Remus shook his head firmly.

“Why not, Remus? You’re in so much pain.”

Remus sighed deeply and lowered his gaze. “My parents have all medicaments locked away so I would have to go ask them for one and if Momma finds out how bad my periods are she’s gonna make me go to the gynaecologist.”

“But they could help you.”

“I don’t want to go though. Normal doctors are already bad enough, but this? Never.”

Sirius pressed his lips together, but then he stood up. “I’ll just tell them I have a headache.”

“Sirius you don’t have to–”

But Sirius just waved off and then left the room. He’d already dreaded the thought of having to wake up Remus’ parents, but he was lucky. When he was walking towards their room, he saw light in the kitchen. Lyall was sitting at the counter and typing something on his laptop.

“Excuse me?” Sirius said and stepped closer.

Lyall looked up and when his eyes dropped from Sirius’ face to his chest, Sirius realised that he still wasn’t wearing a shirt. He could feel a blush spreading over his face and clenched his jaw.

“Yeah?”

“I, uh, I wanted to ask if you have any pain killers. I have a really bad headache.”

“Hold on a second, I’ll see what we have.” Lyall got up and left the kitchen. A minute later, he came back and handed Sirius a pill. “They’re actually for Remus’ stomach cramps but I’m sure they’ll help as well.”

“Thank you.”

Sirius went back to Remus’ room and gave him the painkiller. When Remus looked at it he frowned.

“Those are the ones Momma bought me specifically for that.”

“Yeah, your father said that. But I swear I just said I have a headache and that’s what he gave me.”

“Thank you, Sirius.”

“No problem. I really think you should tell someone how bad it is though.”

“It’s not _that_ bad. I don’t even pass out from my cramps anymore.”

“Oh, of course I mean that’s amazing news. On another note if you get shot in the arm you don’t have to see a doctor as well because you don’t die from it.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “How on earth are cramps comparable with getting shot in the arm?”

“Mate you almost died.”

“I didn’t almost die. Don’t be dramatic.”

“You didn’t see yourself. You were so pale I thought you’d kick the bucket any moment.”

“You’re exaggerating.”

Sirius opened his mouth to say something more, but before he could do that, Remus cut him off with a quick kiss. “Stop arguing now. I’m fine.”

Sirius sighed and pressed his lips together, but then just nodded. Remus got up to turn off the light and then lay down next to Sirius again and slung his arm around his waist.

~

“Sirius, wake up.”

Sirius groaned and turned on his stomach, burying his face in the pillow.

“Sirius.”

“No,” Sirius said muffled.

Remus poked him in the side. “Get up.”

Sirius groaned again and pulled the blanket higher to protect himself from Remus’ poking fingers. But Remus grabbed it and pulled it out of Sirius’ reach.

“Come on, sleepyhead.” Remus sat astride on Sirius’ butt and drummed his fingers on Sirius’ back. “It’s time to wake up.”

“Go away.”

“No.” Remus bent down and pressed a kiss on the back of Sirius’ neck. “You have to wake up. We’re going out for brunch with my parents.”

“Why can’t we eat here?” Sirius groaned and yawned.

“Because my parents like to go out.”

“They just went out for dinner last night,” Sirius whined. “Why are posh people so exhausting?”

Remus laughed. “Just get up.”

“How am I supposed to get up when you’re sitting on me?”

Remus moved down from him and sat on the edge of the bed instead. “Are you getting up now?”

“No, I’m tired.” Sirius yawned and turned on his side, away from Remus.

“Sirius.” Remus pushed against Sirius’ back. “Get up.”

“Shh. I’m sleeping.”

“I’ll go make you a coffee. Will that get you out of bed?”

“Maybe.”

“Do you want a macchiato again?”

“Yes.”

“How much sugar do you want in it?”

“All of it.”

Remus chuckled and then leaned forward and pressed a kiss on Sirius’ shoulder. “All of it. Okay.”

A few minutes later, Remus woke Sirius up again. “I can’t believe you fell asleep again,” he said reproachfully.

“I’m tired,” Sirius yawned.

“Come on, sit up and drink your coffee. We’re leaving in forty–five minutes.”

“That’s not enough time for me to get ready.” Sirius buried his face in the pillow.

“Well, it sure isn’t if you don’t get up now.” Remus pulled on Sirius’ arm and turned him on his back.

“You’re really annoying,” Sirius said then and opened his eyes, blinking against the brightness. Remus was bending over him and grinning widely.

“I know. But you still need to get up now.”

“Ugh.” Sirius pushed Remus away and attempted to turn around again, but Remus held him back.

“I’ll pour the coffee over your face if you don’t sit up and drink it now.”

“You’re cruel.”

“I know. Get up now.”

“Oh my god.” Sirius groaned but then eventually sat up. He yawned and rubbed over his eyes.

“You look really cute.”

“Shut up.”

“Aww.”

Sirius growled but then grabbed the coffee from the nightstand and took a sip. “What time is it?”

“Quarter past nine.”

“It’s so early,” Sirius whined. “Why do we have to get up this early?”

“Because we’re going out for brunch.”

“Stupid posh people.”

“You’re _really_ cute when you’re all tired and grumpy,” Remus laughed.

“I hate you.”

“Aww.”

Sirius glared at him, but then just took another sip of his coffee. They sat in silence next to each other while Sirius drank his coffee and had time to wake up fully.

“Are we really leaving in forty–five minutes?”

“Well, it’s thirty–five now,” Remus said after he’d taken a look at the clock on his phone.

“Ugh.” Sirius groaned and then stood up and stretched himself before he grabbed his backpack. “I’m gonna go get ready now,” he said and entered the bathroom.

He contemplated taking a shower, but he was too tired, also he’d taken one after he’d arrived here yesterday plus they’d taken a bath last night, so he reckoned it wasn’t really necessary. Instead he just washed his face and then did his hair and his eyebrows before he put on some clothes and then returned to Remus’ room.

“How much time do I have left before we leave?”

“Five minutes.”

Sirius groaned and flopped down on the bed.

“What took you so long anyways?” Remus asked.

Sirius wordlessly pointed to his eyebrows. “Also thirty minutes is not long for my standards, okay? That’s like half the time I normally take.”

Remus snorted and shook his head lightly. “What are you even doing for so long?!”

Sirius grinned and wagged his eyebrows. “Got a lot to do in the shower.”

“Oh my god.” Remus buried his face in his hands. “I can’t believe you.”

“I was kidding.” Not really, but whatever.

“You’re the worst.”

Sirius opened his mouth to respond, but in that moment Remus’ mother knocked at the door and asked them if they were ready to leave. Sirius sighed deeply but then got up and followed Remus out of his room.

“Good morning,” Hope said to him and smiled. “Did you sleep well?”

“Yes, thank you.”

 “Sirius says we’re exhausting,” Remus said then, grinning.

“Exhausting?”

“Yeah, because you and Dad always want to go out to eat.”

Sirius smiled apologising, but Hope just laughed. “Believe me, Sirius, if you had tasted mine and Lyall’s cooking, you’d want to go out too.”

“I can confirm that. It’s a wonder I haven’t died of food poisoning yet,” Remus said and then laughed when Hope prodded his shoulder.

 

The place they went to was really nice and honestly, Sirius started to understand. If he could afford stuff like this every day, he’d only eat at places like this too. The food was absolutely fantastic.

“Remus do you know if you need to take anything with you tomorrow? Any documents or something?” Lyall asked him.

“No, my therapist organised all that.”

“Okay, good.”

“Oh, you start tomorrow at the day unit already. Are you excited?” Sirius asked him.

Remus shrugged. “More nervous than anything else.”

“I’m sure it will be great.” Sirius smiled encouragingly.

“I hope so.”

“It’s gonna be fine, Remus.” Hope reached over the table and squeezed Remus’ hand. “And I’m sure it will do you good.”

Remus just nodded and they changed the subject and talked about some other things.

“Sirius do you want to drive back home with my parents right away or do you want to see a bit of the city?”

“Couldn’t you have asked that before I ate so much?” Sirius sighed.

“So, you wanna go back home?”

“No, I’d love to see some stuff. I’m just gonna be really slow and I might explode at some point.”

“Alright then,” Remus laughed.

Lyall paid for the food and then he and Hope said goodbye to Sirius and Remus and drove back home.

“We don’t have that much time, also the crowds there would probably kill me, so I hope you’re not expecting a tour of all the tourist attractions of New York,” Remus said and glanced at Sirius.

“No, don’t worry. I just wanted to get to see at least a little bit of the city.”

“Okay, good.” Remus smiled relieved.

Sirius reached out to take Remus’ hand and they continued walking down the street. They went into a couple of stores, although neither of them bought anything, and just strolled through the streets for a while. They had a lot of fun and it was really great, but then when they were just about to leave a store, Remus suddenly stopped walking and pulled Sirius back.

“What’s wrong?”

“There’s a guy I know from work.” Remus clenched his jaw. “I think he saw me.” He cursed quietly and glanced sideways as if he was looking for a way to escape. Sirius looked in the direction they’d been walking before and saw a man, a few years older than them, walking towards them.

“Hey Ronja,” he said.

Remus winced visibly at the name, but forced himself to a smile. “Hey Jake.”

“How are you doing? You just suddenly disappeared from work and then Atwood said you weren’t coming anymore. Did you quit?”

“Uh, no. I… I haven’t been feeling that well. I might come back at some point, but I don’t know yet.”

“Oh.” Jake nodded and didn’t ask any further. “Okay. Well, uh, anyways. I gotta go now. But it was nice seeing you, Ronja. Bye.”

“Bye, Jake.”

The guy walked away and Remus sighed deeply and wrapped his arms around himself, not looking at Sirius.

“Remus?” Sirius laid his hand on Remus’ shoulder and squeezed it lightly. “Are you alright?”

Remus’ jaw clenched and he wiped a tear from his cheek. “You were the only one who didn’t know that name. And your family, I mean.”

“I won’t ever call you that, Remus. I promise. And I won’t tell anyone.”

“Thank you,” Remus murmured quietly. “It’s just… I really didn’t want you to know that name. It’s nothing against you, or anything, but… That’s not my name anymore and I don’t want people calling me that.”

“I completely understand that, Remus.”

“Anyways,” Remus said then and smiled lightly at him. “Do you want to go somewhere else? Or should we go back home?”

“Let’s go back home,” Sirius said then. It was starting to drizzle, also he had a feeling that Remus didn’t want to be out much longer anyways.

Remus was quiet the whole way back, but he had his fingers intertwined with Sirius the whole time and smiled at him whenever their eyes met, so Sirius hoped it wasn’t quite that bad.

He knew Jake hadn’t meant any harm, but nevertheless, Sirius couldn’t help but be a bit angry at him. Of course knowing Remus’ birthname didn’t change anything about the way Sirius perceived him and he would never call him anything else than Remus – unless of course, Remus wanted that – but that it made Remus uncomfortable was awful.

“I’m just gonna tell my parents we’re back home,” Remus said when they entered the flat.

“Okay. I’ll be in your room.”

Remus nodded and then Sirius went to Remus’ room. He toed off his shoes and went to the bathroom before he returned to Remus’ room and sat down on the bed, pulling his phone out of his pocket. Remus came about fifteen minutes later and gave Sirius and apologising smile.

“Sorry it took me so long. I was talking to my mom.”

“It’s okay, don’t worry.” Sirius smiled at him and moved aside so Remus could sit next to him.

“I can’t believe you have to leave again in a few hours,” Remus sighed and leaned against Sirius, wrapping his arms around his waist.

“I know.” Sirius pressed a kiss on Remus temple. “I’m gonna miss you so much.”

“I’m gonna miss you too. You have to come visit again soon.”

“Definitely. But you also have to come to my place again sometime. James and my parents miss you too.”

“Really?”

“Of course.”

Remus smiled lightly. “I’d love to come to your place again. It was so nice this summer.”

“Yeah, it was great.”

“Your flight goes at ten, right?” Remus asked him then.

“Yes.”

“Okay. We’ll probably leave for the airport at like seven thirty.”

“What time is it now?”

“Just after one.”

“I don’t wanna leave so soon,” Sirius sighed and hugged Remus tightly. “I’ll just stay here.”

“That would be nice.” Remus kissed Sirius softly.

“I could do it, y’know. If you want me to.”

“No, you can’t. You have to go back to school.”

“I don’t care about school.”

“You know you can’t just throw everything away.”

“I’m not throwing anything away. I’m gonna fail school anyways and I don’t care.”

“Sirius.” Remus sighed quietly and pulled back from the hug so he could look at Sirius. “I do wish we could spend more time together, but not like this. It sucks that you have to leave so soon, but I can’t let you throw away your education just so you can stay with me.”

“But I don’t want to go back to school anyways,” Sirius groaned.

“Look, Sirius, I’m sorry you are having issues at school, but just throwing it away and staying here is not the solution. Go back home and talk to your mother or someone else who can help you about this, okay? I’m sure you can find a solution.”

Sirius pressed his lips together, but then he just sighed and nodded. He knew that Remus was right, but he hated that it was that way. “I’m gonna miss you.”

“I’m gonna miss you too, Sirius.”

 

They lay down on Remus’ bed and turned on a movie on his laptop, but neither of them was paying much attention to it.

“I kinda feel like we should do something, because I’m not here for much longer,” Sirius sighed after a while and buried his face in the crook of Remus’ neck and pressed a kiss against his skin.

“Me too.”

“So… do you wanna do something?”

“No.”

“Good.” Sirius chuckled. “Me neither.”

For a while they just lay there watching the movie, but then Remus turned around in Sirius’ arms and started kissing his neck.

“What are you doing?” Sirius asked when Remus started sucking on his skin, right below his ear. “If you make me a hickey I’ll kick your ass.”

Remus didn’t react to his words, but just continued sucking on his skin until he pulled back and looked down at Sirius’ neck with a mischievous grin.

“You know that I’ll get back at you for that, right?” Sirius asked.

Instead of an answer, Remus leaned forward and attached his lips to Sirius’ neck again. And then again. And again. Sirius sighed, but just waited quietly until Remus sat ups.

“You finished?” Sirius tried to sound annoyed, but he couldn’t help the small grin from appearing on his face when he saw Remus looking proudly down at Sirius’ neck. Sirius pulled his phone out of his pocket and used the display as a mirror to take a look at the damage. “Oh my god. Are you for real?!” Not only were there several hickeys along the right side of his jaw, but also there was one huge–ass giant of a hickey over his whole adam’s apple. “Look at this!” he exclaimed frustrated. “You are the worst.”

“I think it looks nice,” Remus just said sweetly and smiled at Sirius.

“You’re the worst,” Sirius growled and leaped forward, pinning Remus down on the bed. Remus screeched loudly when Sirius grabbed his waist and started tickling him.

“Ple–please stop,” he wheezed laughing and squirmed, trying to escape Sirius. But Sirius was holding him down firmly and continued to tickle him until Remus’ face was deep red and he looked as if he was about to suffocate from laughing. “Oh my god,” he chuckled breathlessly. “I almost pissed my pants because of you.” He tried to sit up, but Sirius held him down.

“I’m not done yet.”

“What?”

“Oh, come on.” Sirius smirked. “You didn’t think a bit of tickling would make up for _this_.” He pointed to his neck.

Remus’ groan went over into a choked grunt when Sirius pinched his sides again before he bent down and started to suck on Remus’ neck. Remus laughed and tried to push him away, but Sirius pinned Remus’ hands down on the mattress and continued until Remus had as least as many hickeys as he had. Maybe a few more.

“Ew, Sirius,” Remus said and wiped over his neck when Sirius gave his arms free and sat up. “I didn’t spit on you this much.”

Sirius blew a raspberry at Remus who made another disgusted sound when Sirius’ spit rained down on him.

“Stop spitting on me.”

Sirius took a deep breath, but before he could blow another raspberry at Remus, Remus had sat up and covered Sirius’ mouth with his hand.

“If you lick my palm I swear to god I will punch you.”

For a few second they just stared at each other, both narrowing their eyes and then Sirius’ hand snapped up and he held Remus’ wrist in place and licked over his palm.

“ _Sirius_ ,” Remus screeched and tried to free his wrist from Sirius’ grip. “You’re the worst,” he laughed breathlessly when he eventually managed that, and fell back against the pillows.

“You too.” Sirius grinned as he bent over him and kissed him. “Also your neck looks awful.”

“Yours looks great,” Remus smiled widely.

“I really want to be angry at you for these, but you make it really hard when you’re so adorably happy about them.”

“Hey, you have no right to be mad, you got your revenge,” Remus defended himself. “Also I’m not adorable.”

“Yes, you are.” Sirius pressed a kiss on his cheek. “You’re the most adorable boy out there.”

“Lies.”

Sirius shook his head. “It’s the truth.”

“It’s a lie because everyone knows that _you_ are the most adorable.”

“Don’t be so cheesy.”

“You started it.”

“We’re awful,” Sirius snorted and lay down next to Remus.

“Just a little bit.”

~

They watched another movie together, but the closer Sirius’ departure came, the more dropped their mood. Also Remus started to have cramps again and this time it seemed to be even worse than last night.

“I’m gonna tell your mother you need painkillers,” Sirius said firmly when Remus’ face went pale again and he bent over double, pressing his arms against his stomach.

“No,” he protested, but Sirius stood up. “It’s not fair,” he groaned. “I can’t stand up to stop you right now.”

Sirius didn’t answer, but just turned towards the door instead. But when he opened the door, Hope was standing in front of it, just about to knock.

“Oh,” she said surprised and stepped back. Her eyes dropped to Sirius’ neck for a second, but she didn’t say anything to it. “I was just about to come and ask you where you want to go for dinner. Is… everything okay?”

“Yeah, uh, Remus needs some painkillers,” Sirius said and pointed back towards Remus. “He’s… having cramps.”

“It’s not that bad,” Remus protested. “I don’t need anything.”

Hope just sighed and shook her head lightly. “I’ll be right back. Thank you for telling me.” She touched Sirius’ arm lightly and then turned around and went to get the painkillers.

“I hate you,” Remus grumbled when Sirius sat down on the edge of the bed.

“Come on, Remus.”

“No. If she makes me go to the doctor because of you I’ll never talk to you again.”

“I’m sorry, Remus, okay?” Sirius apologised, because Remus sounded honestly upset. “I just don’t want you to be in pain.”

Remus crossed his arms in front of his chest and didn’t say anything. Sirius sighed, but remained silent as well. Remus couldn’t be _that_ upset about this, so it was probably best to just let him be angry for a while.

Hope came back with the painkiller and a glass of water a few minutes later and handed both of it to Remus.

“I don’t need this, Momma.” Remus shook his head. “It’s really not that–” He interrupted himself and let out a strained breath and his whole body tensed up, his face going pale again.

“Please just take the painkiller,” his mother plead.

Remus clenched his jaw, but then took the pill from his mother and swallowed it. “I’m not gonna see a doctor,” he said firmly.

“We’ll talk about that later, sweetheart.” Hope laid her hand on Remus’ shoulder. “I actually wanted to ask you where you want to go for dinner.”

“But there are gonna be people at the restaurant,” Remus said and scrunched his nose. “Can’t we just order something?” He looked at Sirius. “I mean we can go to a restaurant if you want to.”

“I’d actually prefer ordering something too,” Sirius said.

So they ordered something to eat and while they were waiting for the food to be delivered, Sirius packed up all his things, so he wouldn’t have to do that later.

“What time’s it?” he asked Remus when he was done with that.

“Half past five.”

Sirius sighed and pulled Remus closer, pressing a kiss against his temple. “I don’t want to leave.”

Remus turned his head and hugged Sirius, kissing his cheek. “I don’t want you to leave either. You have to come back soon.”

“I will.”

 

The food arrived not much later and after they had eaten it was already past six. Sirius really dreaded leaving, but of course, as it always was when you dreaded something, the time passed unbelievably fast and then it was already time to drive him to the airport.

During the whole drive, Remus was holding his hand firmly and leaned against him. Sirius laid his hand around Remus’ shoulder and leaned his head against Remus’. When they arrived at the airport and left the car, Remus walked around it and buried himself in Sirius’ arms right away.

“Remus…” Sirius said quietly when he felt Remus’ body shake. “Please don’t cry.”

“I’m sorry,” Remus sobbed.

Sirius’ heart ached and he could feel tears welling up in his own eyes as well. “It’s gonna be fine, Remus. We’ll text every day and I’ll come back soon, I promise.”

Remus tightened the hug for a moment before he stepped back and wiped his eyes with the sleeves of his jumper. “I’m sorry,” he said again. “I can’t control my emotions today.”

“It’s okay, Remus.” Sirius pressed a kiss on his forehead.

Remus and his parents walked Sirius inside and came with him as far as they could.

“I love you,” Sirius said and kissed Remus softly when it was time to say goodbye. “Take care, okay?”

“I love you too.” Remus hugged him tightly. “Have a safe flight and message me as soon as you land.  – And tell your family I said hi.”

“I will.” Sirius tightened the hug for a moment before he stepped back. He forced himself to return Remus’ smile and then turned to say goodbye to Remus’ parents.

“Thank you so much for letting me come here,” he said when he shook first Lyall’s and then Hope’s hand. “It was really nice.”

“Thank you for coming.” Hope smiled softly. “And you’re welcome to come back whenever you want to.”

“Get home safely and let us know when you land,” Lyall said.

Sirius nodded and then hugged Remus once more before he eventually turned around and left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked the chapter xxx


	32. Chapter 32

_November 22 nd _

_(9:06pm) My bed smells like you this is torture_

_(9:06pm) Fyi I’m crying again_

_(9:06pm) This is not what I signed up for when I first texted you_

_(9:06pm)Why do you have to leave me when I’m already having an emotional day_

_(9:07pm)You have to message me as soon as you land because I miss you already_

_November 23 rd_

**_(9:04am) Made it back to England in one piece_ **

**_(9:04am) I miss you too though and I’m sorry I made you cry so much_ **

**_(9:04am) I love you_ **

_~_

**_(10:12am) Shit I just remembered you started at the day unit today!! I hope you have a great day, let me know how it went, okay?_ **

_~_

_(5:34pm) I’m back home!_

**_(5:34pm) Yes! How was your day?_ **

_(5:34pm) It was great, actually. I was really anxious at first and I’m exhausted now, but it was great_

**_(5:34pm) That’s awesome!_ **

_(5:35pm) So did you have a nice flight last night?_

**_(5:35pm) Yeah, it was alright. I slept through most of it, which was great_ **

_(5:35pm) That’s good_

**_(5:36pm) I miss you though_ **

**_(5:36pm) Also by the way after James was done laughing at me for twenty minutes when he saw my neck, he started to call you vacuum cleaner and I’m not gonna correct him because honestly, you deserve it_ **

_(5:36pm) :(_

_(5:36pm) I just didn’t want you to forget me once you’re so far away_

**_(5:37pm) And you couldn’t have given me one of your shirts or something?_ **

_(5:37pm) No_

**_(5:37pm) Ugh_ **

_~_

_(6:07pm) SIRIUS_

_(6:07pm) TELL ME YOU’RE STILL AWAKE_

**_(6:07pm) What’s going on?_ **

_(6:07pm) I WAS JUST TALKING TO LILY AND SHE TOLD ME THAT JAMES WAS IN BRIGHTON THIS SATURDAY DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT_

**_(6:07pm) WHAT_ **

_(6:07pm) SHE SAID JAMES HAD ASKED IF THEY WANTED TO DO SOMETHING TOGETHER SO HE WENT TO BRIGHTON AND THEY SPENT THE DAY TOGETHER_

_(6:07pm) I MEAN SOME OF HER FRIENDS WERE WITH THEM BUT STILL_

**_(6:07pm) ARE YOU FOR REAL_ **

_(6:07pm) YES!!! DIDN’T HE TELL YOU?!_

**_(6:07pm) I’M ASKING HIM ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW_ **

_(6:08pm) OKAY LET ME KNOW WHAT HE SAYS_

_~_

**_(6:18pm) He totally fancies her oh my god_ **

**_(6:18pm) But it sounds like she’s giving him a hard time_ **

**_(6:18pm) He said she called him a cranberry fucknut again_ **

**_(6:18pm) And that she ate all his food_ **

_(6:18pm) Lily said he’s an arrogant dickhead_

_(6:18pm) I think she meant it in an affectionate way though_

**_(6:18pm) Oh my god_ **

_(6:18pm) This is the best thing ever oh my god_

**_(6:18pm) I can’t believe this is happening_ **

_(6:18pm) Do you know if James is going to ask her out? Like, for real?_

**_(6:20pm) He won’t tell me because he knows I’m talking to you and you are talking to her_ **

_(6:20pm) Oh, come on! I won’t tell her, I just want to know_

**_(6:21pm) He won’t tell me_ **

_(6:21pm) Tell him he’s a dickhead_

**_(6:21pm) He says I should tell the vacuum cleaner to shut up_ **

_(6:21pm) Rude_

_November 24 th _

**_(2:47am) Yikes back to school_ **

**_(2:47pm) I should have stayed in New York with you_ **

**_(2:47pm) Hope you have a great day today. Love you_ **

_~_

_(8:45am) Hope you have a great day too. Love you_

_~_

**_(10:21pm) I’m back from school. Message me when you get home, yeah?_ **

_(10:22pm) I’m home, I’m only at the day unit Monday, Wednesday and Friday_

**_(10:22pm) Oh yeah, right_ **

**_(10:22pm) I forgot, sorry_ **

_(10:22pm) It’s okay, don’t worry. How was your day?_

**_(10:23pm) Well, school sucked. Also thanks to you, me and my neck were the butt of every joke today_ **

_(10:23pm) I’m would say I’m sorry but I had my very first day at the day unit yesterday and my neck looks at least as bad as yours_

**_(10:24pm) Ugh_ **

**_(10:24pm) Anyways, how was your day?_ **

_(10:24pm) It’s okay, so far. I’m really moody for absolutely no reason, but it’s alright._

_(10:24pm) I’m probably gonna take a nap later_

**_(10:24pm) Nice_ **

**_(10:24pm) Anything else planned for today?_ **

_(10:24pm) Just eating and sleeping and trying not to bleed out_

**_(10:24pm) Sounds good… apart from the bleeding part_ **

_(10:24pm) Yeah_

_~_

**_(2:46pm) Hey hey hey hey_ **

_(2:46pm) Hey hey hey hey_

**_(2:46pm) Did you know that you can burn 150 calories an hour by banging your head against a wall?_ **

_(2:47pm) I’d rather bang you against a wall_

**_(2:47pm) REMUS_ **

**_(2:47pm) MY HEART JUST STOPPED_ **

**_(2:47pm) YOU WERE SO INNOCENT WHEN WE FIRST STARTED TALKING WHAT HAPPENED_ **

_(2:47pm) I was never innocent I just don't tell jokes like this to people I don't know well_

**_(2:47pm) You were joking? So you don't wanna bang me against a wall? :(_ **

_(2:48pm) Oh my god_

**_(2:48pm) You raised my hopes and then cruelly crushed them_ **

_(2:49pm) You’re the worst_

**_(2:49pm) :‘(_ **

_~_

_(4:20pm) I fucking hate being on my period so much this is humiliating_

**_(4:21pm) What happened?_ **

_(4:21pm) I was watching TV with my parents and there was a commercial with a small puppy and I just spent twenty minutes crying because it was so cute_

**_(4:21pm) Oh my god_ **

**_(4:21pm) You’re so adorable I can’t believe this_ **

_(4:21pm) It’s not adorable it’s pathetic_

**_(4:21pm) Noooo_ **

**_(4:21pm) You’re the cutest I swear_ **

**_(4:21pm) I wish I was with you right now_ **

**_(4:21pm) I wanna see you crying over a puppy_ **

_(4:22pm) You wanna see me cry? You’re mean_

**_(4:22pm) You know exactly what I mean_ **

_(4:22pm) Still_

_(4:22pm) It was so embarrassing_

**_(4:22pm) Noooo_ **

_(4:22pm) Yes_

**_(4:22pm) Shhhh_ **

_(4:22pm) :(_

_(4:23pm) Anyways. I actually wanted to ask you if you’ve talked to your mom or someone else about the situation with your school? Like, if you can take a time out or something_

**_(4:23pm) No, not yet_ **

_(4:23pm) But you will?_

**_(4:23pm) I don’t know. I don’t wanna burden her with this_ **

_(4:23pm) You’re not burdening her. If you’re struggling again, please talk to someone who can help you, okay?_

**_(4:23pm) Okay_ **

_(4:23pm) Good. Of course I’m here for you too, but I can’t really be of any help in this situation_

**_(4:23pm) Thank you_ **

_(4:24pm) I love you_

**_(4:24pm) I love you too_ **

_November 25 th _

**_(2:09am) I hope you have a great day at the day unit today xxx_ **

_~_

_(7:34pm) Thank you. Hope school is going fine xxx_

_~_

**_(10:28am) Message me when you get home please, alright?_ **

_~_

_(4:35pm) I’m back home. What’s up?_

**_(4:36pm) It’s okay, never mind_ **

_(4:36pm) Hey, no, what’s wrong?_

**_(4:36pm) Really, it’s okay. I don’t wanna talk about it_ **

_(4:36pm) Alright… But I’m here if you change your mind, okay?_

**_(4:36pm) Thanks_ **

_November 26 th _

_(8:48am) Hey, I really hope you feel better today. I love you, okay?_

_~_

**_(10:35am) Love you too_ **

_(10:35am) Are you okay? How was school?_

**_(10:36am) I’m fine, but I’m not really in the mood to talk. I’m sorry, okay?_ **

_(10:36am) No, it’s fine. I understand. Message me whenever you feel up to it xxx_

**_(10:36am) I will_ **

_November 27 th _

_(4:46pm) Hey, I just got back home from the day unit. Are you there?_

**_(4:46pm) Yeah_ **

_(4:46pm) How are you feeling?_

**_(4:47pm) Not so well_ **

**_(4:47pm) Don’t worry though, I’ll be fine_ **

_(4:47pm) Do you want to talk about it?_

**_(4:47pm) No, it’s fine. It’s just that school really pisses me off_ **

_(4:48pm) Why don’t you talk to someone about it?_

**_(4:48pm) Cause other people have enough problems on their own. I don’t need to burden them with mine_ **

_(4:49pm) Getting help is not burdening people. I know it’s hard at first, but please don’t wait until you hit rock bottom_

**_(4:49pm) I’m not gonna hit rock bottom. It’s just some stress with school. I’ll be fine._ **

_(4:49pm) Are you sure?_

**_(4:49pm) Yeah_ **

_(4:49pm) Alright. I love you, okay?_

**_(4:49pm) I love you too_ **

_November 28 th _

_(8:24am) Morning Sirius. You there?_

_~_

**_(10:32am) Sorry, I just woke up_ **

_(10:32am) Isn’t it like half past three at your place? Or am I completely off now?_

**_(10:32am) No, you’re right. I was out long last night_ **

_(10:32am) Oh_

_(10:32am) Okay_

_(10:32am) Are you okay? Or are you hungover?_

**_(10:33am) I’m extremely hungover_ **

_(10:33am) Take care of yourself, okay? Get some rest and drink a lot of water_

**_(10:33am) Sure_ **

_(10:33am) Apart from your hangover, do you feel better though?_

**_(10:34am) Well, it’s weekend, so yeah_ **

_(10:34am) That’s good. So do you have any plans for today?_

**_(10:34am) Get some more sleep, take a shower and going out with Longbottom_ **

_(10:34am) Going out again? Are you sure that’s a good idea?_

**_(10:34am) I’ll be fine_ **

_(10:35am) Don’t drink too much, okay? Stay safe_

**_(10:35am) Sure_ **

**_(10:35am) I’m gonna go get some more sleep now, okay?_ **

_(10:35am) Alright, sleep well_

**_(10:36am) Thanks_ **

_~_

_(4:39pm) I hope you have fun tonight. Take care of yourself, okay?_

**_(4:40pm) Thank you. And I will xx_ **

_November 29 th _

_(9:47am) Hey, you up yet?_

**_(9:48am) Yeah. How are you doing?_ **

_(9:48am) I’m fine. How about you?_

**_(9:48am) Yeah, me too._ **

_(9:49am) No hangover?_

**_(9:49am) Got a bit of a headache, but I’m fine_ **

_(9:49am) Drink a lot of water, okay?_

**_(9:49am) I will_ **

_(9:50am) So did you have fun last night?_

**_(9:50am) Yeah, it was great. What did you do?_ **

_(9:50am) Oh, I just watched a movie with my mom._

**_(9:50am) Nice_ **

_(9:51am) So… are you going to school tomorrow?_

**_(9:51am) I dunno. I guess so._ **

_(9:51am) Okay._

_(9:51am) How are you feeling about that?_

**_(9:52am) Not very enthusiastic, but I’ll be fine_ **

_(9:52am) I’m gonna be at the day unit, but text me anytime and I’ll reply as soon as possible, okay?_

**_(9:52am) Yeah, thank you_ **

_(9:52am) Anytime_

_~_

_(6:09pm) Hey, I hope school will go well tomorrow. I love you xxx_

**_(6:10pm) Thank you. Love you too xxx_ **

_(6:10pm) Goodnight, sleep well_

**_(6:10pm) You too_ **

****

_November 30 th _

_(4:42pm) I’m back home. How was your day?_

**_(4:43pm) Awful. How about yours?_ **

_(4:43pm) My day was fine. Exhausting, but alright. What happened? Why did you have a bad day?_

**_(4:43pm) Got in some trouble at school_ **

**_(4:43pm) It’s alright though, don’t worry_ **

_(4:44pm) Are you sure? You know I’m here for you if you want to talk_

**_(4:44pm) It’s alright. I’m actually not really in the mood to talk anyways_ **

_(4:44pm) Alright. Sleep well and take care. I love you_

**_(4:44pm) You too_ **

_December 1 st _

_(11:03am) Hey, are you home from school yet?_

_~_

**_(5:46pm) I’m sorry I didn’t reply, I had a bad day and I wasn’t on my phone_ **

_(5:46pm) It’s okay. Are you alright though?_

**_(5:46pm) Yeah, don’t worry about me. I’m gonna go now, okay?_ **

_(5:47pm) Okay, goodnight and sleep well. I love you_

**_(5:47pm) Goodnight_ **

_December 2 nd _

_(3:46pm) We don’t have to talk if you don’t want to, but please let me know if you’re alright, yeah? I love you_

_December 3 rd _

_(4:52pm) Sirius, it’s okay if you don’t want to talk about what happened, but please let me know if I can do anything for you, okay? I messaged James and he said that you’ve been having trouble at school and that you’re not talking to anyone about what’s going on. I’m worried about you, okay? Just please let someone know how they can help you. It doesn’t have to be me, just someone. I love you_

_December 4 th _

_(4:58pm) Sirius are you there? Can we please talk? Just for a few minutes_

**_(4:59pm) not riht now ok_ **

_(4:59pm) Fine… But are you okay though? I mean, were those just accidental typos or are you drunk?_

**_(4:59pm) I said not now okay fuck off_ **

_(4:59pm) What the hell?! Sorry for wanting to make sure you’re okay. Jesus._

**_(4:59pm) jesus fuck i said leave me alone_ **

_(5:00pm) Look, I don’t know what has gotten into you, but quit talking to me like that. I’m sorry if you’re upset or if something bad happened, but instead of being rude to me for no reason, you could just talk to me or tell me that you want some quiet time WITHOUT being rude_

**_(5:00pm) look its not my problem u cant take a fucking hint_ **

**_(5:00pm) how abuot u just leave me in peave when i obviously dont want tot alk to u_ **

_(5:01pm) You know what? Fine. I don’t need you to treat me like this. Go fuck yourself_

_(5:01pm) Or, even better, just go out and fuck someone else again, you’re so good at that, aren’t you?_

**_(5:01pm) why do you have to be such a fucking bitch all the time first u say ure fienw ith it but ofc now u gotta complain_ **

_(5:02pm) I’M a bitch? You started insulting me for absolutely no reason. I was just worried about you and I was trying to help. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong to you but unless you have a damn well excuse for your behaviour don’t even think about messaging me again_

**_(5:02pm) dont worry about me messaging you ever again i dont fucking need you_ **

* * *

 

London time zone

_December 5 th _

(12:04am) James you can tell your asshole of a brother if I ever see his fucking face again he will wish he was never born

**(12:05am) Hold on, what’s going on?**

(12:05am) I just got off the phone with Remus, he’s been crying for two hours because that fucking asshat just started insulting him for absolutely no fucking reason

**(12:05am) What??**

(12:06am) Remus said Sirius had been in a bad mood like the whole week so they’d barely talked and today when he wanted to check in on Sirius, Sirius was really rude to him and they got in an argument that ended with Sirius saying ‘don’t worry about me messaging you ever again, I don’t fucking need you’

(12:06am) Also apparently Sirius slept with someone a few weeks ago

**(12:06am) Shit. I didn’t know about that**

(12:07am) Look I’m not blaming you for this, but I swear to god I will fucking kill Sirius  

**(12:08am) He’s not home right now, he went out, but I’ll talk to him as soon as he gets back. I’m sure there’s an explanation for this**

(12:08am) Look I honestly don’t fucking care. You have no idea how much he hurt Remus. I’m gonna rip his fucking head off

**(12:09am) I know you just want to protect Remus, but I’m sure there are two sides to this. Sirius hasn’t been doing well lately. I didn’t think it was that bad, but apparently I underestimated it**

(12:09am) Don’t fucking defend him. I have never heard Remus cry like this before

**(12:10am) I’m not defending him. I don’t know what got into him, but I’ll talk to him as soon as he comes back, okay?**

(12:10am) Good

**(12:11am) Can you tell Remus that I’ll talk to Sirius? I’m really sorry about what happened, Lily, okay?**

(12:11am) I don’t think Remus wants to hear anything about him right now

**(12:11am) Right. Yeah. Look, I’m sorry, okay? I’ll talk to him, I promise**

(12:11am) Thank you. I’m gonna check in on Remus again. We’ll talk tomorrow

**(12:11am) Okay. I hope Remus is alright. Goodnight**

(12:11am) Goodnight

~

(10:34am) You talked to Sirius yet?

**(10:35am) No, he’s not home yet**

(10:35am) Motherfucker

**(10:35am) I’m sorry, okay?** **I’ll let you know as soon as I talked to him**

(10:35am) Thank you

**(10:35am) How’s Remus doing?**

(10:36am) Not so well. He’s been crying almost all night

**(10:36am) I really have no idea what could have gotten into Sirius. When he came back from New York on Monday everything between them seemed to be fine**

(10:37am) I know, Remus said they’d had an amazing weekend together

(10:37am) Just talk to Sirius as soon as he comes back, okay?

**(10:37am) I will**

(10:37am) Thank you

**(10:37am) So, do you have any plans tonight?**

(10:37am) No

**(10:37am) You want me to come to Brighton so we can do something together?**

(10:38am) No

**(10:38am) Come on, we had fun last time. Why not?**

(10:38am) Because you need to talk to your asshole brother

**(10:38am) I won’t need all day for that though**

(10:38am) Talk to Sirius and I’ll think about it

**(10:38am) Fine**

~

(3:29pm) Don’t tell me he’s still not home?!

**(3:29pm) He is, but I haven’t been able to talk to him yet**

(3:29pm) Why not?

**(3:29pm) He came home at like eleven and he was completely wasted and crying and he spent about an hour throwing up and now Mum’s with him and she’s talking to him**

(3:29pm) Ah fuck

(3:29pm) I’m still really angry at him for what he did to Remus, but still, I hope he’ll be fine¨

**(3:30pm) So you can personally make him suffer later?**

(3:30pm) Ahhhh I knew you’re not as dumb as you look

**(3:30pm) I’m not sure if I should say thank you or be offended**

(3:30pm) That’s about as nice as I get so you better say thank you

**(3:30pm) Thank you**

(3:30pm) You’re welcome

(3:30pm) Anyways, let me know when you talked to Sirius, okay?

**(3:30pm) Sure**

~

**(7:48pm) Alright, so the following happened. In October, a few days after Sirius came back from when he was with Remus when he was in the hospital, he ran into his biological parents and his father said something really horrible to him which completely threw him off. I mean I noticed already then that something was wrong, because that’s when he started to drink really much and he shut everyone out and stuff. Also he’s had a lot of troubles with school lately and he skipped it a couple of times. And, you know, he was feeling really awful and like I said, got drunk a lot and that is when he slept with that guy. He was really hurt and lonely and he felt awful about it after it happened. He talked to Remus about it when he was in NY two weeks ago and Remus said it was alright. Then, the reason he was so upset the last few days is because he got in really big trouble at school because of not doing any assignments and cutting class and stuff like that.**

(7:49pm) Shit

(7:49pm) Not that I’m trying to diminish everything that’s happened to him, but is there a specific reason why he talked to Remus like that or was he just pissed off and needed someone to take it out on?

**(7:50pm) He said that he didn’t want to bother Remus with all his problems, so he started to ignore him. Then on Friday, he was really drunk and upset and when Remus messaged him again, he started lashing out on him because he wanted to get Remus to stop talking to him because he thinks he’s just a burden for everyone and Remus would be better off without him**

(7:51pm) How fucking stupid is he?!

**(7:51pm) Look, I know you’re angry at him and you have any right to be, because he really hurt Remus, but please try to understand him. I’m not saying it’s smart or right what he did, but he did it because he thought it’s what’s best for Remus**

(7:52pm) Fucking bullshit

**(7:52pm) It’s true, Lily, okay? You should have seen him. He’s completely devastated. Believe me, Sirius really loves Remus. I know he did the wrong thing by hurting him like that, but he’s convinced that he did the right thing.**

(7:53pm) So do you think you can convince him to apologize?

**(7:53pm) I don’t know. It’s probably gonna take some time. He’s in a really bad place right now and until he feels better, I don’t think he will talk to Remus**

(7:54pm) Fuck. Alright. You make sure that Sirius gets out of this hole again and I’ll take care of Remus, yeah?

**(7:54pm) Alright. Keep me updated on how he’s doing, yeah?**

(7:54pm) Of course. You too.

**(7:55pm) Yeah**

**(7:55pm) So, you know, I’m gonna stay with Sirius this weekend, obviously. Maybe I can come over next weekend?**

(7:55pm) Sure

**(7:55pm) No complaints? I knew you had a soft spot for me, Evans**

(7:55pm) Don’t make me regret saying yes

**(7:55pm) Oh come on, just admit you like me**

(7:55pm) I take it back, you’re uninvited

**(7:55pm) Forget it. I’m coming**

(7:55pm) Oh my god, I hate you

**(7:56pm) Sure, I hate you too, buttercup**

(7:56pm) Did you really just call me buttercup? Holy shit, how lame are you?

**(7:56pm) Not as lame as you**

(7:56pm) Great comeback, did you steal that from second grade?

**(7:56pm) You just lost your right to call me lame. That was awful**

(7:56pm) Whatever

**(7:56pm) Did you run out of insults so soon?**

(7:57pm) You just wait until I’ll kick your ass next weekend

**(7:57pm) I always knew you were kinky**

(7:57pm) Oh my GOD

(7:57pm) I’m so done with you

(7:57pm) Bye

**(7:57pm) Sure. We’ll talk again tomorrow**

(7:57pm) No

**(7:58pm) Yes**

(7:58pm) Fuck you

**(7:58pm) Maybe later, buttercup**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are very appreciated xxx


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long absence!!  
> Hope there are still people reading this lol

  _December 11 th _

**(6:27pm) Hey Lily**

(6:28pm) Hey

**(6:28pm) How are you doing?**

(6:28pm) Fine. You?

**(6:28pm) Yeah, me too**

**(6:28pm) I wanted to ask if it’s still okay for me to come see you tomorrow**

(6:29pm) I guess so

**(6:29pm) Please contain your enthusiasm**

(6:29pm) Eat me

**(6:29pm) With pleasure**

(6:29pm) How did I not see that coming?

**(6:30pm) I don’t know. I expected better from you. I’m very disappointed**

(6:30pm) As much as I hate to admit it, your disappointment is justified

**(6:30pm) Anyways, how’s Remus doing?**

(6:31pm) I don’t really know. He barely talks to me. I mean I’m in contact with his mom but she says she’s kinda helpless. I mean he goes to the day unit every day, he eats, he sleeps, but that’s about it. He won’t talk, he doesn’t want to do anything, he just exists.

(6:31pm) What about Sirius?

**(6:32pm) He’s trying. Mum looked for a therapist for him after this happened last weekend and he already has an appointment next week and he promised to go. He misses Remus a lot – I mean he won’t talk about him when he’s awake – or sober –, but he keeps talking about him and apologising in his sleep and on Wednesday he sneaked out and got wasted and when he came back home he was crying for hours because he missed Remus and felt awful for what he said.**

(6:33pm) We need to fix this mess, James

(6:33pm) But I’m glad Sirius will go to therapy, I’m sure it will help him

**(6:34pm) Yeah, me too. I mean I always wondered how he could handle everything that happened with his parents this effortlessly, but it seems like there was just a tiny bit more missing for him to break. I feel so sorry for him, but it’s not surprising, to be honest.**

(6:35pm) What mess with his parents, if you don’t mind me asking? I mean I know that he’s not your real brother, but what happened with his biological parents?

(6:35pm) I don’t know if he’d want me to know it, so it’s okay if you don’t want to tell me

**(6:35pm) No, it’s fine, Sirius never made a secret out of it**

**(6:35pm) His biological parents were horribly abusive – physically and emotionally – and they kicked him out when he was 14 and they found out he had a boyfriend. He’s been living with us ever since. And then, in October, he ran into them and his father said something awful to him. That’s when he snapped and things have been spiralling downwards since.**

(6:36pm) That’s awful

(6:36pm) I really hope he feels better soon

**(6:36pm) Me too. It hurts seeing him like this.**

(6:36pm) Yeah, I know how it feels

(6:37pm) Do you think Sirius will apologize to Remus?

**(6:37pm) Definitely. Everyone can see how much it hurts him to not be with him. It’s only a question of time until he lets go of that stupid idea that this is what’s best for Remus and apologises. It’s just hard for him to see it right now because he feels bad about himself**

(6:38pm) As much as I hate what he did to Remus, I can also see why he did that. It’s stupid, but people do stupid things when they’re hurt

**(6:39pm) Yeah**

**(6:39pm) Do you think Remus will forgive him?**

(6:40pm) I think he will. I mean it’s not even like he’s angry at Sirius, he’s just hurt and betrayed. He thinks that Sirius lied about loving him all this time and blames himself for being stupid enough to believe him. Or at least that’s what he said the night it happened. Maybe he’s angry now, I don’t know.

**(6:40pm) That’s even worse.**

**(6:40pm) This whole thing is just an awful mess, neither of them deserve this**

(6:41pm) I know. But we can fix this. You take care of Sirius and I of Remus and it will end up alright.

**(6:41pm) Yeah**

**(6:42pm) I gotta go eat now, but I’ll text you again later about tomorrow, okay?**

(6:42pm) Okay

~

**(10:53pm) Sorry it got so late, Sirius wasn’t feeling well. Are you there?**

(10:54pm) Yeah. Is he okay?

**(10:54pm) Yeah, he’s asleep now**

(10:54pm) Oh, okay good.

**(10:54pm) Is it okay if I come by around noon? We could have lunch**

(10:55pm) Will you pay?

**(10:55pm) Do I have to?**

(10:55pm) If you want me to show up

**(10:55pm) You’re a pain in the ass**

**(10:55pm) Aren’t you like a feminist or something? Shouldn’t you wanna pay for yourself?**

(10:56pm) This has nothing to do with feminism it has to do with me being broke and hungry

**(10:57pm) Fine**

**(10:57pm) I’ll pay**

**(10:57pm) But only if you come alone**

(10:58pm) Dammit

(10:58pm) Fine. But it’s not a date

**(10:58pm) We’ll see about that**

(10:59pm) I’m warning you, Potter. You do not want to make me angry

**(10:59pm) ?????**

**(10:59pm) You’ve been angry ever since we met what are you talking about?**

(11:00pm) Oh you thought this was me angry? You got a big storm coming there boy

**(11:00pm) Now I’m scared**

(11:00pm) You should be

(11:00pm) But don’t you dare to not show up tomorrow after you promised me lunch

**(11:01pm) Oh, just admit it, you can’t wait to see me again**

(11:01pm) You wish

**(11:01pm) I do, actually**

(11:01pm) Keep on dreaming

(11:01pm) Anyway, I gotta go now

**(11:02pm) Alright. Goodnight**

(11:02pm) Goodnight.

 

_December 12 th _

(10:49am) What time exactly are you gonna get here?

**(10:49am) My train arrives at 12:16**

(10:49am) Okay, I’ll pick you up then

**(10:49am) Okay. See you then**

(10:49am) See you

~

(6:19pm) Did you catch the train?

**(6:24pm) I did. Sorry I had to run off so suddenly but I promised mum I’d be home before her and dad have to leave so Sirius won’t be alone**

(6:24pm) It’s okay, I understand.

**(6:24pm) Thank you**

**(6:24pm) Today was nice. Apart from you making me spend all my money on food for you and to win that stupid teddy at the pier**

(6:25pm) His name’s Charles and he’s not stupid

**(6:26pm) That’s no name for a teddy**

(6:27pm) His full name’s Sir Charles McFluffington III

**(6:27pm) Better**

(6:28pm) Also by the way those cookies you bought for me are really good

**(6:28pm) Do you really have to rub it in that you made me spend all my money on you**

(6:28pm) You make it sound like I just used you

(6:28pm) I paid for the busses

**(6:29pm) True**

**(6:29pm) But I still spent more money on you than you on me**

(6:30pm) I’ll pay next time. You happy now?

**(6:30pm) So there’s gonna be a next time? That does make me happy**

(6:30pm) Or I’ll just send you the money I owe you

**(6:31pm) I like the first way better**

(6:31pm) I don’t

**(6:31pm) Liar**

(6:31pm) Shut up

**(6:31pm) Make me**

(6:32pm) Oh my god

 

_December 13 th _

**(6:09am) Is there any chance you’re already awake?**

**(6:09am) I mean I don’t think so, but message me when you wake up**

**(6:09am) Please**

~

(9:34am) I’m up. Are you okay?

**(9:34am) Better now**

(9:34am) What happened?

**(9:34am) My parents went out to a reunion with some friends from school last night and I was supposed to be with Sirius and make sure he has someone around if he needs someone. At first everything when okay and I thought he was fine and stuff and then we went to sleep but then at 3am when my parents got home they checked in on us and Sirius was gone**

**(9:34am) He eventually showed up at Longbottom’s place, who called us so we could pick him up but of course he was totally hammered**

(9:34am) I’m so sorry this happened, James. But it’s not your fault

**(9:35am) Yes, it is. I was supposed to make sure he’s okay. I fucked up**

(9:35am) It’s not your fault, James. Sirius sneaked out while you were asleep, how could you have known? Don’t beat yourself up over this. It happened. Now you know better for next time.

**(9:35am) Thank you**

(9:36am) It’s okay. How’s Sirius doing now?

**(9:36am) He’s sleeping**

(9:36am) Okay. Did he say why he sneaked out?

**(9:37am) He said he wanted to forget Remus**

(9:37am) Oh Jesus

(9:37am) These two need to make up again ASAP

**(9:38am) Yeah, I mean, definitely, but that’s not gonna solve everything**

**(9:38am) On the drive home, Mum was sitting in the back with Sirius and she was holding him and he was crying and constantly whispered something about not being good enough**

**(9:38am) I swear if I ever see those assholes that called themselves his parents anywhere I will kill them**

(9:38am) Count me in. They sound awful

(9:38am) And I really hope Sirius will feel better soon. Also although it won’t solve everything I still think it would be a lot better if him and Remus made up again.

**(9:38am) Yes, definitely! I’m not saying it won’t, I just mean that it’s probably gonna take a lot of time and work for Sirius to properly process everything he’s been through. And not just shoving it away like he’s done so far.**

(9:39am) Yeah, I think so too.

**(9:39am) How’s Remus? Did you two talk?**

(9:40am) I didn’t talk much with him, but with his mother. She says he’s doing well at the day unit, he’s really trying, but it’s difficult. What Sirius said to him really damaged his self–esteem – which wasn’t that high to begin with.

**(9:40am) He didn’t mean any of these things**

(9:40am) I know that. But Remus doesn’t.

**(9:41am) I’m sure Sirius will apologise eventually. He just needs to take care of himself right now.**

(9:41am) Yeah, I know. – And that’s okay, of course. But still, this has to be fixed as soon as possible.

**(9:42am) Yeah**

~

**(7:06pm) Tell me a pun**

(7:06pm) I don’t know any puns

**(7:07pm) Find one**

**(7:07pm) Sirius hasn’t told me any puns in forever I’m on withdrawal**

(7:07pm) Fine. I’ll find one

(7:09pm) Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a soda can? He was lucky it was a soft drink

**(7:09pm) Sirius already told me that one**

(7:09pm) Dammit

(7:09pm) Hold on

(7:09pm) What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones

**(7:09pm) I know that one too**

(7:10pm) Goddammit

**(7:10pm) It’s not my fault Sirius tells me puns all the time**

(7:10pm) One more

(7:10pm) If you know that one too I give up

**(7:10pm) Alright**

(7:10pm) How can you spot the naked guy at the nudist colony? It’s not hard.

**(7:10pm) Oh my god**

**(7:10pm) I can’t believe Sirius hasn’t told me that one yet**

(7:10pm) YOU DIDN’T KNOW IT

(7:11pm) YES

**(7:11pm) Do you have another one?**

(7:11pm) Alright

(7:11pm) When I get naked in the bathroom the shower usually gets turned on

**(7:11pm) When you get naked in the bathroom I usually get turned on too**

(7:11pm) For fuck’s sake

(7:11pm) I don’t wanna talk to you anymore

**(7:11pm) Come on**

**(7:11pm) I’m not that bad**

(7:12pm) Yes, you are

**(7:12pm) And yet you’re still talking to me**

~

**(7:37pm) Are you really gonna ignore me now?**

~

**(8:53pm) If you don’t stop ignoring me I’ll catch the next train to Brighton**

(8:55pm) Don’t

**(8:55pm) HAH!**

**(8:55pm) You’re talking to me again!**

(8:55pm) Only because the alternative is so much worse

**(8:55pm) Rude**

(8:55pm) Please don’t

(8:55pm) Remus already says this all the time I can’t stand it

**(8:56pm) I got it from Sirius**

(8:56pm) I know. He too

**(8:56pm) I’ll try not to say it anymore if it bothers you that much**

(8:56pm) Aren’t you a sweetheart

**(8:56pm) That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you ever since we met**

(8:56pm) I was being sarcastic

**(8:57pm) You may think you were but subconsciously you know it’s the truth**

(8:57pm) No

**(8:57pm) Yes**

(8:57pm) No. And now go to sleep

**(8:57pm) It’s 9pm I’m not going to sleep yet**

(8:57pm) You should though

**(8:57pm) Why?**

(8:57pm) Because you’re annoying me

**(8:58pm) Just admit you love me, Evans**

(8:58pm) I would, but the thing is, you know, I don’t.

**(8:59pm) You can keep denying it, but we both know you want me**

(8:59pm) I just puked a little in my mouth

**(8:59pm) You’re a liar**

(9:00pm) I’m gonna go now

**(9:00pm) No, why?**

(9:00pm) My roommate just came home and we’re gonna watch a movie together

**(9:00pm) Can’t you watch the movie and keep talking to me?**

(9:00pm) Nope. Goodnight, James

**(9:00pm) Fine. Goodnight**

 

_December 14 th _

**(7:47am) I mean I know he’s not doing so well at the moment and all but every morning when I have to get up for school and see Sirius sleeping I just want to strangle him**

~

(8:05am) He’s not going to school?

**(8:06am) No, Mum pulled him out of it for a while**

(8:06am) Yeah, that’s probably for the best

**(8:06am) Yeah. Still. I wanna sleep too**

(8:06am) Well, if you had listened to me yesterday you wouldn’t be this tired now

**(8:06am) You’re a smartass**

(8:07am) Hey you’re the one who insists on talking to me. If it was up to me you would never have to message me again

**(8:07am) Between that and you being a smartass, I think the smartassery is the better option**

(8:07am) You’re really pathetic, do you know that?

**(8:07am) Do you think it’s charming?**

(8:07am) Not really

**(8:08am) Okay, time for a new strategy then**

(8:09am) Good luck with that. I have to go now though

**(8:09am) Alright, talk to you later**

(8:09am) Bye

~

**(7:34pm) Hey**

(7:35pm) Hey

**(7:35pm) You alright?**

(7:35pm) Yeah, I’m fine, you?

**(7:35pm) Me too. How’s Remus? Did you talk to him?**

(7:35pm) Well, kinda. He still won’t really talk to me but I texted his mom and she says he’s more or less alright. Still the same as earlier. How’s Sirius?

**(7:36pm) Today was quite good. Also he can go to therapy for the first time tomorrow and I’m really hoping it will go well**

(7:37pm) Me too. Let me know afterwards, okay?

**(7:37pm) I will**

**(7:37pm) So, anyways, what are you doing next weekend?**

(7:38pm) Flying to New York to spend Christmas break there

**(7:38pm) Dammit**

**(7:38pm) Can we see us again before then?**

(7:38pm) We just saw us on Saturday. Don’t you have enough of me already?

**(7:38pm) Never**

(7:39pm) Well I’m going to London on Friday and I’m spending the night there, so if you want we can go out

**(7:39pm) Like, on a date?**

(7:39pm) No.

**(7:39pm) Am I still allowed to come?**

(7:39pm) If you won’t call it a date

**(7:40pm) Fine**

**(7:40pm) How long are you staying in NY?**

(7:40pm) Until January 2nd

**(7:40pm) So basically the whole Christmas break?**

(7:40pm) Yeah

**(7:41pm) Oh man.**

**(7:41pm) So when can we see us again?**

(7:41pm) We just said we’d see us this Friday

**(7:42pm) Yeah, but after that**

(7:42pm) You really can’t get enough of me, can you?

**(7:42pm) No**

(7:42pm) I thought you would stop acting pathetic

**(7:43pm) It’s not that easy to not come across pathetic if you keep giving me such a hard time**

(7:43pm) If I was giving you a hard time we wouldn’t have seen each other on Saturday and I wouldn’t have told you that you can meet me in London on Friday

**(7:43pm) You’re a cruel person**

(7:43pm) Now that I can stand behind

**(7:43pm) I know something I could stand behind if you know what I mean**

(7:43pm) Honestly, HOW do I not see these coming

**(7:44pm) I don’t know, you’re making this too easy for me**

(7:44pm) I need to step up my game

**(7:44pm) You do. Focus, Evans, Focus!**

(7:44pm) I am focused!!!

**(7:44pm) Good. I’m expecting 112% from now on!!**

(7:44pm) Yes, sir.

**(7:45pm) Can we make this a regular thing? Cause, you know, it really gets me going when you call me sir**

(7:45pm) Oh my GOD

(7:45pm) BYE

**(7:45pm) It’s not my fault you make this so easy for me**

* * *

 

(NY time zone)

_December 15 th _

(1:37pm) Hey Remus. You there?

_(1:37pm) Yeah. Hi_

(1:37pm) How are you?

_(1:38pm) Fine. You?_

(1:38pm) Me too. How’s it going at the day unit?

_(1:38pm) Fine_

(1:38pm) Did anything interesting happen lately?

_(1:38pm) No_

(1:38pm) …

(1:38pm) You can tell me if you don’t want to talk to me

_(1:38pm) It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you, I just don’t want to talk about myself_

(1:38pm) Okay. I’m really excited to see you on Sunday though

_(1:38pm) Me too. I miss you so much_

(1:38pm) I miss you too! We haven’t seen us in almost five months I’m going mad

_(1:39pm) Yeah_

_(1:39pm) So how’s school going?_

(1:39pm) It’s alright. Only a few more days until break!!!

_(1:39pm) Nice_

(1:40pm) Can I ask you something?

_(1:40pm) Depends_

(1:40pm) Did you talk to someone about what happened with Sirius?

_(1:40pm) I told you I don’t want to talk about this._

(1:40pm) Please, Remus. I just want to know how you’re feeling. Talk to me.

_(1:41pm) There’s nothing to talk about. I’m an idiot who believed him when he said he loved me that’s all. And now please just stop, okay? I don’t want to hear anything about this anymore._

(1:41pm) Fine. I think you should talk to him though

_(1:41pm) No_

 

_December 16 th _

(2:07am) Have a good day at the day unit!

_~_

_(8:34am) Thank you. Hope you’re having a good day too!_

~

(4:51pm) Are you back home yet?

_(4:51pm) Yeah_

(4:52pm) How was your day?

_(4:52pm) Good. How was yours?_

(4:52pm) Mine was good too

(4:52pm) Only 4 more days until we see us again!!!

_(4:52pm) Yes!_

(4:52pm) I’m so excited!

_(4:52pm) Me too_

(4:52pm) Do you have any plans for tonight?

_(4:52pm) When have I ever had plans_

(4:52pm) True

_(4:52pm) Do you?_

(4:52pm) No

(4:53pm) Have you eaten today?

_(4:53pm) Yeah, why?_

(4:53pm) Just wanted to make sure

(4:53pm) Did you drink enough?

(4:53pm) And did you take your meds?

_(4:53pm) Yes, mom_

(4:54pm) Good. I’m very proud of you, my son

_(4:54pm) There’s nothing to be proud of_

(4:55pm) Excuse me? You went to the day unit today, you ate, you’re hydrated, you took your meds. I’m very proud of you

_(4:55pm) You’re very easily impressed_

(4:55pm) So? At least I always have something to be happy about

_(4:55pm) True_

_(4:55pm) I’m gonna go take a shower now_

(4:56pm) Okay, I’m gonna go eat and then probably watch a movie. We’ll talk tomorrow again, okay?

_(4:56pm) Alright. Goodnight_

(4:56pm) Thanks. Have a nice evening

_(4:56pm) Thank you_

_December 17 th _

(10:34am) It’s so cold today!! I almost froze to death

_(10:34am) Luckily only almost_

(10:35am) How’s the weather in NY?

_(10:35am) It actually snowed a bit this morning, but it’s already gone again_

(10:35am) Aw :(

(10:36am) What are your plans for day?

_(10:36am) I don’t know. Reading._

(10:36am) What book?

_(10:36am) Little Women_

(10:36am) Again?

_(10:36am) Yeah_

(10:36am) How many times have you read that book?

_(10:37am) I don’t know, like 8 times maybe_

(10:37am) Doesn’t it get boring?

_(10:37am) No. It’s awesome_

(10:37am) Well, yeah, but don’t you want to read something new?

_(10:37am) No, not at the moment_

(10:38am) Alright then

_(10:38am) Do you have any plans today?_

(10:38am) No… Like I said, it’s freezing outside so I’m definitely staying in. I’m probably gonna sleep early tonight

_(10:38am) Okay. You’re flying from London on Saturday, right?_

(10:38am) Yeah, I’m spending tomorrow night in London

_(10:39am) Nice_

_(10:39am) Are you spending Sunday at your place?_

(10:40am) I’m gonna go home first after I arrive, but I’d actually rather stay at your place if that’s fine. At least until like the 27th. Some relatives are coming over from Saturday until then but Petunia’s still mad at me and I don’t wanna ruin Christmas for everyone

_(10:40am) Of course you can stay with us. I’m sorry about that with your sister though_

(10:41am) Oh, it’s fine. She’ll calm down eventually. I mean I will spend some time with my parents while I’m back in NY, but you know Christmas isn’t that important to me, but for my family it is and I know it will be a lot more peaceful if I stay away, so if it’s okay for me to stay at your place, that’s probably the best solution

_(10:41am) You know you’re always welcome at my place_

(10:41am) Thank you.

(10:42am) Can you come pick me up at my place on Sunday? I’ll text you then.

_(10:42am) Sure_

(10:42am) Awesome

~

(5:37pm) I’m off to sleep now. Have a nice rest of the evening and good night

_(5:37pm) Good night, sleep well_

(5:38pm) Thank you, I love you

_(5:37pm) Love you too_

_December 18 th _

(2:47am) Have a good time at the day unit today!!

_~_

_(8:24am) Thank you_

_~_

(2:07pm) Hey I just wanted to let you know that I’m probably not gonna be on my phone a lot tonight, but I’m keeping it on and by my side all the time so if you need me just call, okay? Love you

~

_(5:12pm) Sure, no problem. Hope you’re having a good time in London, we’ll talk tomorrow. Love you too_

 

_December 19 th _

_(8:07am) What time exactly does your plane leave?_

(8:07am) At 3:45

_(8:07am) So in like 2 hours?_

(8:07am) Yeah

_(8:07am) Are you at the airport yet?_

(8:08am) Yeah I’ve been here for a while already. You know I love airports

_(8:08am) Something I will never understand_

(8:09am) There are so many different people here! It’s so interesting

_(8:09am) All those people are exactly the reason why I hate airports_

(8:09am) I know

~

(11:01am) We’re gonna board soon

(11:01am) I’ll text you when I land and then later when you can come to my place, okay?

_(11:01am) Okay. Have a save flight. I love you._

(11:02am) Love you too. Can’t wait to see you!

_(11:02am) Me neither xxx_


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not really sure if I'm happy with this one, but I hope you guys like it!  
> Also I just love Lily and Remus being affectionate okay fight me

“Remus!” Lily flung herself around his neck, pressing kisses on his cheek. “I missed you so much!”

“I missed you too.” Remus hugged her tightly, burying his face in the crook of her neck. “I’m so glad you’re home.”

“Me too.” She tightened the hug for a moment before she stepped back and looked at him, smiling widely. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m alright. How about you?”

“Yeah, me too. I’m just tired from the long journey.” She pulled him inside and then closed the door behind them. “Do you want something to drink?”

“No, I’m fine, thank you.”

“So, uh…” She hesitated for a moment and then turned around. “Look, I really missed you so much and we have a lot of catching up to do, but there’s something to take care of first.”

“What are you talking about?” Remus frowned confused.

“Please don’t be angry.” Lily looked pleadingly at him.

“I don’t even know what I’m supposed to be angry about. Or _not_ be angry about.”

Lily took his hand and pulled him towards her room. In front of the closed door she stopped and looked at him for a moment. “Just stay calm, okay?”

“You’re scaring me.” Remus pulled the sleeves of his sweater down over his hands and bit his lower lip.

“Just go inside.”

Remus hesitated for a moment but when he saw Lily’s pleading look, he reached out for the doorknob and opened the door. He entered the room but as soon as he saw who was inside he stepped back as if someone had slapped him in the face.

He grabbed Lily’s arm and pulled her away from the door. “What is he doing here?” he hissed.

“Please Remus–”

“No,” he interrupted her, heading back to the front door.

“Remus, stop.” Lily grabbed his arm firmly and stopped him. “Look at me.”

Remus sighed annoyed but then turned towards her.

“You know how angry I am about what he said to you. And you also know that I would never let him talk to you again if I wasn’t sure that it was the right thing.”

Remus pressed his lips together and sighed exasperated. He knew that she had a point there but he really didn’t want to talk to Sirius. What was the point in it anyway? And why had Sirius come here? He didn’t love Remus.

“Please, Remus.” Lily laid her hand on his arm. “I’m not saying you have to forgive him, but please just hear him out.”

“Why? Why is he even here? After what he said?!”

“Let him explain, Remus. Please.”

Remus shook his head. “I don’t want to hear what he has to say. What is he even doing here? Hasn’t he humiliated me enough?” He groaned frustrated, running his hand through his hair. This was the last thing he had expected – and needed – right now. All he had wanted was to finally spend some time with Lily again and to stop thinking about Sirius and beating himself up about how he could have been so stupid and fall for him.

“Remus.” Lily laid her hand on his shoulder. “ _Please_. Just trust me on this. Go and talk to him. – For me,” she added when Remus still didn’t seem convinced.

“Shit. Fine,” Remus sighed. “You owe me one though.”

“We’ll see about that afterwards,” Lily just said and nudged Remus towards her room.

Remus hesitated in front of the door for a moment, but then he just took a deep breath and entered the room.

Sirius was sitting on the edge of Lily’s bed, staring down at his fingers, nervously fiddling with his phone without it actually being turned on. When he heard Remus enter, he looked up and slid the phone back in his pocket. He looked drained, there were dark shadows under his eyes and he looked like he had lost quite a bit of weight. – Also he had pierced his eyebrow, though that was something else.

“Why are you here?” Remus asked him, his voice sounding sharper than intended.

Sirius winced visibly, his jaw clenching and Remus felt bad instantly. What Sirius had done had hurt him a lot, but he still didn’t want to see Sirius like this.

“I’m sorry, Remus,” Sirius whispered, looking down on his intertwined hands.

Remus ran his hand through his hair and sighed deeply, cursing under his breath. “Why are you here?” he asked again, this time calmer.

Sirius exhaled shakily and stood up. “Remus…” He hesitated for a moment, his lips trembling. “I love you,” he blurted out. “I love you, okay? I love you so much, Remus. I’m so–” His voice broke and tears welled up in his eyes.

Remus’ jaw clenched and he shook his head almost frantically. “Y–you don’t,” he said quietly.

“I do, Remus.” Sirius reached out for Remus’ arm but Remus moved back before Sirius could touch him. “Please, Remus.” Tears started to stream down over Sirius’ face. “I love you, I swear. I love you so much.”

“Sirius.”  Remus raised his hands to stop him from talking. “Look, I have no idea what you’re doing here. I don’t know what game you think you’re playing but– just– _don’t._ I can’t deal with this right now.” He turned away and wanted to leave the room, but Sirius held him back.

“No– wait. Just… let me explain. _Please_. I just–” Sirius wiped the tears off his cheeks and took a deep breath. “Just– just give me a moment.”

Remus nodded curtly, forcing himself to show as little reaction as possible on the outside, trying to stay calm.

Sirius nervously wiped his palms on his jeans, taking a couple of deep breaths. “I didn't mean the things I said,” he eventually said quietly, his voice barely more than a whisper. “I don't know what got into me. – No, that's not right.” He shook his head lightly, sighing. “I–,” he started, before he stopped again.

For a few moments neither of them said anything until Sirius cursed quietly and then reached in the back pocket of his jeans, pulling out a wrinkled sheet of paper. His hands were shaking as he unfolded it.

“I, uh, I wrote down what I wanted to say,” he explained sheepishly. “In case I… I wouldn't find the words.”

Remus nodded again, remaining silent. He was trying to not think anything of this situation and much less react to it until he had heard Sirius out.

Sirius’ hands clenched tighter around the paper and he leaned them against his thighs, trying to stop them from shaking. “I didn’t mean these things,” he said again, this time reading from the paper. “I just… I thought it would be better for you to be away from me. You were doing so well in your recovery and I didn’t want to pull you down. I haven’t–” His voice broke and he stopped for a moment, exhaling shakily. “I haven’t been doing so well lately. I’ve been drinking a lot and felt bad about myself and I’ve done a lot of stupid things. I just… thought it would be better for you to stay away from me. So I started to ignore you. But you kept texting me. And then…” Sirius sighed and hesitated for a moment. “That night… I was really drunk. And I was hurt. And I just didn’t want you to worry about me, but I knew you would anyway. That’s why… that’s why I said all these things. I didn’t mean them. I love you, Remus. More than anything. I know what I did was stupid and wrong and I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness. I just want to apologise. I’m so incredibly sorry for what I did.” He lowered the sheet and looked down at the floor. “I love you,” he whispered.

Remus needed a moment to just let everything Sirius had just said sink in. There were so many things running through his mind right now, he didn’t know what to do. Of course he still loved Sirius, but could he really trust him? How could he know Sirius wasn’t lying now? But then again, why would he had come all the way to New York if he didn’t care about Remus? But still – what if Sirius would hurt him like this again?

He didn’t know what to do. He wanted to believe Sirius, but he was scared of doing so. He didn’t want to get hurt like this again.

But then he looked over at Sirius who was sitting on the edge of the bed, shaking hands clenched tightly around the sheet of paper. He glanced up at Remus and when their eyes met, Remus could see that Sirius was hurt too. Just as much as Remus, if not more.

Remus sighed deeply and sat down on the mattress next to Sirius. “You didn’t mean it?” he asked carefully.

Sirius’ head snapped back and he shook his head vehemently. “No. I swear, Remus. I swear I didn’t mean it.” He looked pleadingly at him, tears welling up in his eyes again. “I love you. I love you so much.”

“How do I know you’re not gonna do that again?”

“I swear I won’t, Remus.” Sirius turned towards him and carefully reached out for Remus’ hands. He relaxed noticeably when Remus didn’t pull back. “I know what I did was awful but I promise you I’ll do anything to make up for this.”

“You promise to be completely honest from now on?” Remus raised his gaze so he could look into Sirius’ eyes.

“Of course.” Sirius nodded hastily. “I promise.” His fingers tightened around Remus’ hands and Remus could see that Sirius was close to crying again. It hurt seeing him like this. Also… Remus had been in a place like that before. He knew what it felt like to push the people around yourself away.

He pulled his hands back from Sirius’ grip. Sirius’ eyes widened fearfully, but before he could say anything, Remus pulled him into a hug. For a moment Sirius’ body tensed up in surprise, but a second later a sob broke free from his chest and he buried himself in Remus arms, clinging tightly onto him.

All the frustration and anger and pain from the last few weeks got instantly shoved back to the far end of Remus’ mind, replaced by the need to comfort Sirius. He hugged him tightly, holding him against his chest, stroking his back until Sirius eventually calmed down again.

“I–I’m sorry,” Sirius hiccupped, wiping the tears off his cheeks with the sleeves of his hoodie. “I’m so sorry about everything, Remus. I’m such a mess.” He lowered his gaze, clenching his hands to fists. Remus didn’t know what to say.

Sirius looked up again, eyeing Remus closely. “Do you hate me now?” he eventually asked.

“No,” Remus said quietly and shook his head.

“Do you… still love me?”

Remus’ jaw clenched and he closed his eyes for a moment. “Of course I do,” he whispered, not looking at Sirius.

“Do you still want to be with me?” Sirius sounded reluctant, as if he wasn’t sure if he really wanted to know the answer to this question.

Just the thought of saying no to this and not seeing Sirius again made Remus feel sick to his stomach. The thought of saying yes, though, immediately brought back the memories of how betrayed Sirius had made Remus feel. Even though just a moment before, he’d thought he understood, now he was doubtful again. Had it really just been because Sirius had thought it would be the best for Remus or did he actually not love him? It wouldn’t be a surprise to Remus if Sirius didn’t really want to be with him. He had never understood it anyway. But if that was the case, then why would he have flown all the way to New York to apologise? Even though Remus generally lived with the fear that the people around him lied to him when they said they liked him or wanted him around, in this case it seemed a bit farfetched. Why would Sirius go through so much trouble to keep up a lie?

Even though he couldn’t shake the fear off completely, Remus believed Sirius.

“Can you… promise me to be honest from now on?” Remus asked eventually. “Don’t… do things like that anymore. If you… if you’re having doubts, then talk to me. Or… someone else. Just… be honest.”

Sirius nodded immediately. “Of course! I promise. I’ll be completely honest from now on. I swear.” His eyes were widened, he still looked afraid. “I swear, Remus.”

“Okay.” Remus smiled lightly and pulled Sirius in another hug. Sirius held him tightly and finally the tension fell off Remus. He buried his face in the crook of Sirius’ neck and breathed in deeply, glad to have him back.

“I love you so much,” Sirius whispered, clinging onto him tighter. His shoulders started to shake; he was crying again.

“I love you too,” Remus said, stroking his back. “It’s alright. Everything’s okay.”

They just sat there, holding onto each other tightly until Sirius eventually calmed down again.

“Are you okay?” Remus asked carefully.

Sirius nodded, wiping the tears off his cheeks. Remus stood up and grabbed the packet of tissues off Lily’s nightstand and handed them to Sirius. Sirius blew his nose and tossed the used one in the trash can.

“So…” he started hesitantly. “Are we… I mean… is between us everything alright?”

Remus still couldn’t quite let go of his fears and doubts, but when he looked into Sirius’ eyes, he could see that Sirius was sincerely sorry for what he’d done. So Remus stepped closer to him and laid his hands on his cheeks. “Everything’s alright.”

Sirius smiled relieved. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too.” Remus leaned closer and kissed him softly.

~

Lily jumped up from the couch when she heard Remus and Sirius enter and looked at them, smiling hopefully. “And?” she asked. “Everything alright?”

Remus nodded and squeezed Sirius’ hand. “Everything’s alright.”

Lily squealed happily and then hugged first Remus and then Sirius tightly. “See?” she said and punched Sirius’ upper arm. “I told you it was gonna be fine. And you.” She turned to Remus and grinned. “Do I still owe you?”

Remus rolled his eyes lightly. “Of course not.”

“Say I’m the best.”

Remus rolled his eyes again. “You’re the worst and I hate you,” he grinned and pulled her in another hug, pressing a kiss on her cheek.

“ _You’re_ the worst.” Lily nudged his shoulder. “So… do you guys wanna get dinner somewhere? It’s only like four thirty, but I’m really hungry.”

Remus shrugged. “Sure.”

“Uh… I don’t… really have any money.” Sirius scrunched his nose. “It was… y’know, kinda last minute that I came here,” he explained to Remus.

“I told you not to worry about that,” Lily said. “My parents just gave me some money for Christmas.”

“No, dinner’s my treat,” Remus said. “I insist.”

“Well, I’m sure as hell not gonna say no to a free meal.” Lily grinned widely. “Thank you, Rem. You’re the best. – So, uh, what do you wanna get?”

“Pizza?” Remus suggested.

Sirius and Lily both agreed.

“So do you two want to come to my place right away afterwards or are we coming back here?” Remus asked them.

“Actually, I think I’m gonna come back after dinner and stay here tonight,” Lily said. “You know, to give you two some time alone.”

“You don’t have to.” Remus frowned lightly. “I mean… you said you wanted to stay at my place, because of that whole thing with your sister.”

“Oh, it’ll be fine.” Lily waved off. “She’s at a friend’s place now anyway and I don’t really have to spend any time with her. Also our relatives aren’t coming until tomorrow evening so even if we fight it doesn’t matter.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, totally. Also I get to spend some time with my parents that way.”

“Alright then.”

They put on their shoes and coats and then headed out to go grab some dinner. While they were walking, Lily linked her arm with Remus’.

“I’m really sorry I didn’t come visit you when you were in the hospital,” she said quietly. “I really wanted to…”

“It’s okay, Lily.” Remus squeezed her hand lightly. “I understand.”

“I know it’s already been a while since that happened, but I just want to tell you again that I’m so incredibly relieved that you’re alright and that I love you so much.”

Remus laid his arm around Lily’s shoulder and pressed a kiss on her temple. “I love you too, Lily.”

When they were at the restaurant and had all ordered and were waiting for their food, Sirius hesitantly reached out for Remus’ hand. When Remus’ closed his fingers around Sirius’, Sirius smiled relieved.

They had a really great time eating dinner together. Sirius didn’t talk much, he still looked very exhausted, but seemed to be having a good time nevertheless. Remus was so incredibly happy to be here with Lily and Sirius. He still couldn’t quite grasp everything that had happened today, but right now he just felt great. He’d missed Lily so incredibly much, sure, they’d texted each other but he hadn’t seen her since August. Also he couldn’t believe that Sirius was actually here right now. When Sirius had said those things to him, Remus had been sure it was the end of everything between them, but now Sirius was here and right now, in this moment, everything was great.

 

After dinner, they went back to Lily’s place to pick up Sirius’ stuff.

“Are you sure you want to stay here tonight?” Remus asked her. “You know you can come with us.”

“No, it’s fine, Remus. Really.” Lily smiled at him and hugged him tightly. “I’m coming over tomorrow, okay?”

“Yeah.”

“You guys take care,” she said then and grinned. “And don’t be too wild.”

“I’m gonna punch you in the face,” Remus snorted.

“Come at me, Lupin, you know I can take you out.”

Remus rolled his eyes and pulled her into another hug. “Goodnight, Lily.”

“Night, Remus,” she grinned and then hugged Sirius too. “Night, Sirius.”

“Bye,” Sirius said. “See you tomorrow.”

Sirius and Remus took a cab to get home, because even though it was only just after six, it was already dark outside. Sirius was still very quiet, but he reached out for Remus’ hand again and smiled lightly as he lifted it to his lips and pressed a kiss on the back of it.

“So, uh… do my parents know you’re here?” Remus asked when they entered the apartment.

“Who do you think made this possible?” Sirius grinned sheepishly. “I mean it was Lily’s idea, but your parents paid.” He sighed quietly. “I really gotta work on paying them back.”

Remus shook his head. “No, you don’t.” He took off his shoes and his coat and then walked towards the kitchen. As he’d expected, his mom was sitting at the table, working on something on her laptop. “Hey, Momma. I’m back,” he said.

His mother turned around, smiling widely. “And?”

“Sirius is with me.” Remus smiled and turned around, reaching out for Sirius’ hand. His mom stood up and hugged them both tightly.

“Oh, I’m so glad it worked out well!”

“How long did you know?” Remus asked her.

“Since Thursday. Lily called me and we organised it together.”

Remus shook his head lightly. “I can’t believe you actually managed to keep this a secret.”

“Well, I had Lyall to talk about it,” his mom laughed. “So have you eaten?”

“Yeah, we went to get pizza with Lily.”

“That’s nice.”

“We’re gonna go to my room then, alright?”

“Sure.” She kissed him on the cheek and then Remus and Sirius went to his room.

“You still have that.”

Remus turned around to see what he was talking about. Sirius touched the piece of paper hanging above Remus’ desk, with Sirius’ name on it.

“Of course I still have it.” Remus slung his arms around Sirius’ waist.

“I thought you hated me for the things I said to you,” Sirius said quietly.

Remus pressed a kiss on Sirius’ cheek. “I didn’t. – I don’t. I was hurt, but I didn’t hate you.”

“I’m sorry for hurting you.” Sirius lowered his head. “I’m sorry I’m such a mess.”

“You’re still a pretty great mess.” Remus smiled and nudged Sirius in the side, trying to get him to smile too. But Sirius just shook his head, still staring straight down at Remus’ desk.

“Hey.” Remus hugged him tighter. “It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not.” Sirius shook his head again. “You said you wanted me to be completely honest, right?”

“Yeah…”

“I did a lot of stupid things, Remus. I was drunk a lot and I… I slept with a lot of guys.”

“Oh.” Remus didn’t know what to say. It didn’t come as a big shock for him and he knew that Sirius had had any right to do that, but still, it hurt.

“I’m sorry, Remus.” Sirius looked at him and there was so much pain in his eyes.

“It’s okay.”

“No. No, it’s not.” Sirius sighed. “Look… you said you wanted honesty from me. I want honesty from you too. Tell me that you’re angry at me. Yell at me. Please. Don’t just pretend it’s okay.”

“I’m not angry at you, Sirius.”

“God _dammit,_ Remus!”

Remus winced back when Sirius suddenly got loud. Sirius’ eyes widened shocked.

“I’m so sorry, Remus,” he apologised immediately. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to shout at you.” He cursed under his breath, shoving the strands of hair that had freed themselves from his bun out of his face. “I didn’t mean to shout at you.”

“It’s okay. I know.” Remus went quiet for a moment. “Look, I’m really not angry at you, Sirius,” he said then. “When you slept with that other guy… a few months ago… I wasn’t angry either. I was jealous. But I didn’t want to be, that’s why I said it was alright. Because _rationally_ I know it should be alright. We’re not in a relationship, I know that technically–”

“I don’t care about technically, Remus,” Sirius interrupted him. “I don’t care if you think it’s rational or not, okay? I want to know how you feel. If you’re angry at me, tell me. If I hurt you, tell me. If you’re jealous, tell me. _Please._ Okay? Emotions don’t have to be rational.”

Remus nodded slowly. “Okay.” He hesitated for a moment. Even though Sirius had just told him that he _wanted_ Remus to tell him this, Remus felt bad. He felt bad about the way he felt. “When you… slept with that guy, I was jealous. Because… he was there for you. He was there when I couldn’t be there for you. And… in a way that I can’t be there for you. Whether or not you and I have sex… I can never give you exactly what he could give you. What any of those guys could give you.” By the end, Remus voice had barely been more than a whisper. It wasn’t easy for him to talk about things like this out loud.

“Remus.” Sirius took Remus’ hand and pressed it against his chest, right above his heart. “I love you, okay? These guys… they don’t mean anything to me. I don’t want what ‘they can give me’. I want you. And nothing else.”

“I love you too.” Remus hugged him tightly, burying his face in Sirius’ chest. “And you know that if you want to talk about something… you know, whatever is going on right now that makes you feel bad… I’m here for you, right?”

“Thank you.” Sirius kissed him softly. “But right now I just want to enjoy being with you, alright?”

“Sounds good to me.” Remus smiled and kissed him again.


	35. Chapter 35

Sirius woke up the next morning and for a second thought he was dreaming when he opened his eyes and saw Remus’ huge book shelf, but then he remembered everything that had happened yesterday. A warm, happy feeling spread in Sirius’ chest when he looked at Remus, who was still sleeping soundly. Sirius was so incredibly glad that Remus had forgiven him.

Last night had been really nice. They hadn’t done anything except watching a few movies, they hadn’t even talked a lot, but just spending time with Remus again, holding him in his arms… it had been the best Sirius had felt in a long time.

Just like right now. Remus was lying right next to him, snoring quietly. Sirius reached out and gently ran his hand through the floppy curls on top of Remus’ head. Remus hummed quietly and turned on his side, snuggling closer to Sirius. Smiling happily, Sirius laid his arm around his shoulders, holding him close.

Only a few minutes later though, there was a knock at the door and then Hope entered the room.

“Oh good, you’re up already,” she said and smiled when she saw Sirius. “Did you sleep well?”

“Yes, thank you.”

“Okay, so, Lily just called me. Make sure Remus is up and ready in about half an hour, okay?”

“Sure.”

Hope nodded and then left the room again, closing the door behind her. Remus groaned unwillingly when Sirius woke him up and turned on his stomach, burying his face in the pillow.

“Come on, it’s time to wake up.”

Remus groaned again, but then turned on his side and pulled Sirius closer to kiss him. “I’m so happy you’re here,” he murmured sleepily, his eyes still closed.

“Me too.” Sirius stroke Remus’ cheek and kissed him again. “But now get up. You gotta be ready in half an hour.”

“Why the hurry?” Remus yawned and rubbed his eyes. “I’m sleepy.”

“And you look very cute when you’re sleepy, but you still gotta get up.”

Remus sighed deeply but eventually opened his eyes. “You still didn’t tell me why.” He looked at Sirius and raised an eyebrow.

“Your mom said we have to be ready by then,” Sirius said.

“Are we going out?”

“No.”

“So you know what we’re doing?” Remus narrowed his eyes. “Tell me.”

“No.” Sirius grinned and shook his head.

“Please?”

“No.”

“Pretty please?” Remus asked with a pout and puppy–dog eyes.

“Very cute, but still no.” Sirius pressed a quick kiss on Remus’ lips and then stood up. “I’m gonna get ready now,” he said.

Remus clicked his tongue and rolled his eyes, throwing a pillow after Sirius. Sirius laughed and quickly closed the bathroom door behind himself.

When he came back into Remus’ room, Remus was still lying in the bed with his phone in his hand.

“You’re still not out of bed?” Sirius shook his head lightly.

“Well you were blocking the bathroom anyways.” Remus shrugged. “Also you still haven’t told me why I have to get ready.”

“Because your mom said so.”

Remus raised an eyebrow. “My mom also says Brussel sprouts are good for me but I’m still not eating them.”

Sirius laughed and shook his head. “Just get dressed.”

“Fine,” Remus sighed and then sat up. He put his phone on the night stand and then opened the drawer and pulled out a pillbox.

“Don’t your parents still have all your medication?” Sirius asked confused. Last night, Remus had had to go get his meds from his parents.

“Only the sleeping pills,” Remus explained.

“Oh, okay.”

Sirius got dressed and then sat down on the bed, checking his phone, while Remus was in the bathroom getting ready. He hoped that today’s surprise would turn out as well as yesterday’s – though there was actually no doubt it would.

When Remus came out of the bathroom again, he looked expectantly at Sirius. “So are you gonna tell me what’s going on now?”

“You’re gonna see.” Sirius stood up and shoved his phone in his pocket.

“When?”

“I dunno.” Sirius shrugged. “Probably soon, though.”

Remus groaned. “Just tell me.”

“No.”

“I’m gonna ask Momma.”

“You do that.” Sirius followed Remus when he left his room to look for his mom.

“Momma?” Remus called out.

“I’m in my room,” she answered him.

“Tell me what’s going on,” he demanded.

“Good morning to you too.” Hope smiled and pressed a kiss on Remus’ cheek.

“ _Mooom_ ,” Remus groaned. “Just tell me what’s going on.”

But before Hope could answer, someone rang the doorbell.

Remus narrowed his eyes. “Is that the surprise or is that Lily?”

“Just go and see for yourself.”

“It’s Lily, isn’t it?” He looked from Sirius to his mother, but when neither of them said something, he sighed and then walked towards the front door, turning around suspiciously when he realised that they were following him.

Remus glared at them for a second – Sirius wasn’t able to contain his grin – before he eventually opened the door.

“ _No way_ ,” he squealed when he saw who was standing there next to Lily.

“Surprise,” James, Euphemia and Fleamont said at the same time, smiling widely.

“What are you all doing here?” Remus stepped forward and hugged James. “Oh my god.” He seemed kind of hesitant when he turned towards Euphemia, but she pulled him into a tight hug and then Fleamont did the same.

“I can’t believe you’re all here.” Remus turned towards Lily. “Why do I have the feeling that you’re the person behind all of this?”

“Uh, because I’m awesome?”

Remus laughed and nudged her in the arm. “Right. That’s it.”

“Come on now.” Hope pulled Remus aside. “Let them in.”

Hope, Euphemia and Fleamont went to the kitchen, while Lily, James, Sirius and Remus went to Remus’ room.

“Mate, Sirius was totally right when he said you were posh,” James said as they were walking through the living room and shook his head. “And I almost believed you when you said you weren’t.”

Sirius grinned triumphantly as Remus rolled his eyes and nudged James in the shoulder.

“Jesus Christ,” James scoffed when he entered Remus’ room. “Are you sure that’s your bedroom and not a library?”

“I’m gonna smack you.”

James sighed exasperated. “Please not you too. I already get that enough from Lily.”

Remus raised an eyebrow. “ _When_ are you getting _what_ from Lily?” he asked, looking back and forth between James and Lily.

Lily clicked her tongue and sighed. “It’s no big deal. – And I was gonna tell you. James and I met like two times. – Oh, don’t look at me like that, Rem, it was nothing.”

“You hurt my feelings, Lily,” James chimed in.

“And you hurt my eyes.”

James turned towards Sirius and sighed exasperated. “Now you see how easy you have it with Remus.”

“I know, I got the jackpot,” Sirius grinned and pulled Remus closer, pressing a kiss on his temple. Remus laughed and nudged Sirius in the side, while Lily threw a pillow at James.

“So what do you wanna do?” Remus asked and sat down on the bed next to Lily.

“Well, mom said she and your mother were gonna make brunch as soon as we get here,” James said, “so I’m guessing we’re gonna eat soon anyways.”

“Nice.” Remus nodded. “So, how long has this whole thing been planned?” he asked then. “You all coming here, I mean.”

“Since Thursday,” James answered. “It was Lily’s idea.”

“How did you organise it that quickly?”

“Well, I just thought it would be good for you and Sirius to talk this whole thing out, you know? So I asked him if he’d come with me and when he said yes, I called your parents and told them about the plan and they were immediately on board and it was actually your Mom’s idea to invite the whole family over for Christmas.”

“But what if Sirius and I wouldn’t have made up?”

“Please.” Lily rolled her eyes. “You two are so pathetically in love, there was no risk of that.”

“Pathetically in love?” Sirius raised an eyebrow. “So kinda like you and James.”

“Please excuse me while I go throw up.” Lily made a gagging sound.

“You are cruel.” James sighed theatrically. “I’m not _that_ bad.”

“Yes, you are. And now move over I wanna sit next to Remus.” Lily poked James in the side.

“What if I wanna sit next to you?”

“That’s bad luck for you then, because I don’t want you next to me.”

Sirius and Remus exchanged a grinning glance, while James and Lily continued to bicker, ending with Lily hitting James repeatedly with a pillow until he moved away to let her sit next to Remus.

“So how long are you staying?” Remus asked when Lily and James were quiet again.

“January second.”

“Awesome.” Remus smiled happily. “This is gonna be so great.”

“Would be better if James wasn’t here,” Lily muttered.

“Honestly, Lily, the more you deny it the more you show how much you’re actually into him.” Sirius raised an eyebrow. “Just saying.”

“One more word and I’ll rip out your tongue,” Lily said darkly. “Just saying.”

Remus laughed and prodded Lily with his shoulder. “God, I missed you.”

“I missed you too.”

 

Not much later, Hope came to call them for brunch.

“Momma, please tell us what of this you made, so we know what food to avoid,” Remus said while he sat down at the table.

Hope lightly smacked him on the arm. “You are the worst.”

“Only because I’m related to you.”

Hope rolled her eyes lightly, but with a smile on her lips. “Let’s just eat,” she said then.  

Everyone around him dug in, but Sirius just stuck to his coffee. He didn’t feel like eating, for some reason alone the thought of it made him feel nauseous.

“Where’s your dad actually?” he asked Remus, who was sitting next to him.

“Oh, he’s in Washington, but he’s coming back on Wednesday.”

“Alright.” Sirius nodded and lowered his gaze, taking another sip of his coffee. On his left, Remus was talking to Sirius’ mom about the day unit and on his right, Hope was talking to Lily about something else while on the other side of the table his father and James were having yet another conversation. He didn’t know why, but all of this was so irritating to Sirius in that moment. He forced himself to take a couple of deep breaths, trying to stay calm, but he just couldn’t stand the noise any longer.

Everyone looked up at him when he suddenly stood us. “I just… need a moment,” he murmured and left the kitchen. For a moment he just stood in the corridor, not sure where to go, but then he headed for Remus’ room. He sighed frustrated as he sat down on the edge of the bed and stared down at his shaking hands. He really didn’t know what was wrong with him today.

About ten minutes had passed when Sirius heard a knock at the door and his mom came in. “Are you alright?” she asked carefully. “I didn’t want to crowd you, so I left you some time, but I just wanted to see if you’re okay.”

“Yeah, I’m–” Sirius sighed, brushing a strand of hair out of his face. “I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?” She sat down next to him, rubbing his back. “Is there something you want to talk about?”

“No. I don’t… I don’t know what’s wrong. I just can’t take all the people around me right now.”

“That’s okay. Hope offered to show us a little of the city later. Remus and Lily are staying here. You can too if you want to.”

Sirius nodded. “Yeah, I don’t want to go anywhere right now.”

“Okay. Do you want me to bring you some food?”

“No, I’m not hungry.”

“Alright.” She gave him a squeeze before she stood up. “Let me know if you need something though, alright?”

“Yeah. Thank you, Mom.”

“Anytime.” She smiled at him, before she left the room and closed the door behind herself.

Sirius groaned and turned around, burying his face in one of the pillows on Remus’ bed. He didn’t know how much time passed while he just lay there, gradually burying himself deeper and deeper beneath blankets and pillows, trying to shut everything out, but eventually there was another knock at the door. Glad about the interruption, since his thoughts got gradually worse and worse, Sirius freed his face from the blanket to see who it was. – It was Remus.

“Hey.” Remus smiled softly at him. “Okay if I come in?”

Sirius nodded and sat up, shoving the blanket down from himself. Remus walked over to the bed and sat down on the edge of it. “Can I do anything to make you feel better?”

Sirius shook his head, fiddling with the pillow on his lap. “I’m sorry, okay? I just…” He sighed and shook his head. “I’m sorry,” he repeated.

“It’s okay.” Remus reached out for Sirius’ hand. “Just… let me know if there’s something I can do, okay?”

Sirius nodded slowly, hesitating for a moment before he eventually spoke. “Don’t… don’t take this the wrong way, but… can you… maybe go get James?”

“Sure.” Remus nodded. “Of course. I’ll go get him.”

“Thank you.” Sirius couldn’t look Remus in the eyes, so he just stared down at the pillows until he heard James enter not much later.

“Hey Pads.” James closed the door behind himself and walked over to the bed. “Remus said you wanted to talk to me.”

Sirius nodded and then out of nowhere felt tears welling up in his eyes. When James saw that, his face softened and he sat down next to Sirius, pulling him in an embrace.

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

Sirius clung onto James shoulders, needing a few minutes to calm down again, enough so he could talk. “I… I don’t think I should be here,” he said eventually.

“What do you mean?” James asked frowning.

“I shouldn’t have come back. I shouldn’t have made up with Remus.”

James’ frown deepened. “Don’t you love him?”

“Of course I do!” Sirius exclaimed, louder than planned. “I just… I don’t think it was the right thing. I mean look at me. I’m a fucking mess. It would have been better for him if I would have stayed away.”

“Sirius…” James shook his head. “It was killing you not to talk to him. It was tearing you apart. You love him and he loves you. Believe me, you did the right thing. You two belong together.”

Sirius shook his head, sighing frustrated. “I’m just fucking everything up. Remus is doing so much better and then I come along and ruin everything again.”

“That’s not true, Sirius. You know that Lily and I were talking and Remus wasn’t doing well while you two weren’t talking either.” James rubbed Sirius’ upper arm. “Remus knows what it feels like to be in a bad place. He understands what you’re going through – probably better than I ever could. And he wants to be there for you. Believe me.”

“I still shouldn’t be here.” Sirius shook his head. “I’m just ruining everything.”

“Come on, Sirius. That’s not true. Everyone’s happy that you’re here. It’s okay if you’re not in the best mood or if you can’t stand to be around us all the time. Whatever you need right now, it’s okay. You can be moody or sad and we’ll cheer you up or just let you be, whatever you prefer, just don’t think we don’t want you around, okay?” He nudged Sirius with his shoulder.

“Thank you, James,” Sirius murmured.

“Anytime. – So, Hope said that she was gonna show us a little of the city later. Are you coming too?”

“Mom told me. But I… I don’t want to go.”

“That’s okay. Remus and Lily are staying here too.”

Before Sirius could answer, there was a knock at the door and their mother came in. “James, we’re gonna leave in ten minutes.”

“Alright.” He patted Sirius on the shoulder. “I’m gonna go get ready now.”

“Sure.” Sirius nodded and James stood up, leaving the room.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come?” his mother asked him.

“No, I… I’d rather stay. – You guys have fun though.”

“Thank you. Remus said he’s coming to check in on you again later, alright? I hope you feel better soon.”

“Thanks, Mom. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

* * *

 

As soon as the other ones had left, Remus went to check in on Sirius again. He was lying with his back towards Remus, the blanket pulled up to his chin.

“Sirius?” Remus said quietly, so he wouldn’t wake him up in case he was sleeping. Sirius turned around to look at Remus. “How are you feeling?”

Sirius shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Can I do something to help you feel better?” Remus sat down on the edge of the bed. Sirius moved closer to him and slung his arms around Remus’ waist, pressing a kiss against his neck.

“It’s okay,” he said. “But thank you.”

“Lily and I were gonna watch a movie. Do you want too?”

Sirius shook his head. “Actually, I… I think I’m gonna take a nap or something. But I… I’ll go to the guest room, yeah? So you and Lily can be in here.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. I… I’m really sorry. I just need some time alone.”

“Of course. It’s okay, don’t worry about it. Just let me know if you need something, yeah?”

“Thank you. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Sirius stood up and headed for the door, but Remus held him back. “Wait a moment,” he said and turned around to fish something out of the drawer of his desk. “I don’t… I don’t know if it will help you, but when… when I’m not feeling well it kind of helps me to just… hold something like this in my hands…” He held up a spiked massage ball. “Just to… kind of keep a grip on everything.” He could feel himself blushing deeply. “I don’t… I don’t know if you think this will help, or…”

Sirius smiled lightly and closed his fingers around the ball that Remus held out towards him. “Thank you, Remus.” He pressed a soft kiss on Remus’ cheek and then left the room. Remus went back to the living room, where Lily was sitting on the couch, waiting for him.

“How’s he doing?” she asked when Remus sat down next to him.

“He said he wanted to be alone. He went to the guest room to take a nap.”

“Oh. I hope he feels better afterwards.”

“Yeah, me too.” Remus sighed. He was really worried about Sirius.

“So do you still want to watch a movie?” she asked him then.

“Sure. What do you want to watch?”

“I dunno. Something on Netflix, maybe? We can watch it on your laptop in your room, it’s comfier there. – Is it okay if I go make some popcorn?”

“Sure, you know where everything is.” Remus smiled lightly when Lily stood up and walked over to the kitchen, while he went to his room to start up his laptop.

“Any idea what we can watch?” Lily asked him when she entered the room a couple of minutes later with a bowl of popcorn in her hand.

“No. You decide.”

Lily sighed. “You’re the worst when it comes to decisions.”

“I’m also the worst when it comes to life in general.” Remus shrugged and grabbed some popcorn, shoving the laptop to Lily.

She just rolled her eyes while she scrolled through the movies.

“So… what’s actually going on between you and James?” Remus asked then.

Lily clicked her tongue annoyed. “It’s nothing. Really. We met like two times in Brighton. I just didn’t tell you because you didn’t want to talk about Sirius at all and I wasn’t sure if this would make you angry or hurt you or anything.”

Remus nodded. “But… do you like him?”

“He’s a dickhead.”

“So that’s a yes.”

Lily blushed lightly and shrugged. “I dunno. I mean… he really is a dickhead, but he’s kinda funny, I guess.”

“ _Kinda funny, I guess_ , is Lily Evans talk for wedding bells.”

“Bullshit.” She smacked him lightly on the arm. “He’s okay.”

“Sure,” Remus said sarcastically and leaned back against the pillows with a grin on his face while Lily clicked on a movie. “Whatever you say.”

She rolled her eyes at him, but didn’t say anything more to it.

They watched the movie in silence, except for the occasional snarky comment from Lily. After that, Remus went to check in on Sirius, but he was sleeping soundly.

“Is he okay?” Lily asked him when he came back.

“Yeah, he’s sleeping.”

“Good.” She nodded. “He looked like he really needs that.”

“Yeah.” Remus nodded slowly. “You’ve been talking to James while Sirius and I had that fight… How was Sirius doing during that time?” he asked quietly. He didn’t want to snoop around in Sirius’ life, but he still couldn’t quite shake the thought of Sirius not actually loving him off.

Lily hesitated a moment before she answered. “It was really bad, Remus,” she said then, looking down at the blanket. “I don’t know how much Sirius would be okay with me telling you, but Remus, he really wasn’t doing well.”

Remus nodded again. “Okay. I didn’t expect you to tell me any details, I just… wanted to know.”

“He really loves you a lot, Remus.”

Remus didn’t answer, but just looked down at his hands. He wanted to believe in that. He really did.

“It’s gonna be alright, Rem.” Lily reached out and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, pressing a kiss on his temple.

Remus nodded and smiled half-heartedly.

They turned on a TV show and when after a while, Remus went to the kitchen to make some more popcorn, he ran into Sirius.

“Oh, hey. You’re awake again. How are you feeling?”

“I’m, uh… I’m okay.” He smiled lightly, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes and he still looked extremely drained. “I just… wanted something to drink. I’m… gonna go sleep some more.”

“Okay.” Remus laid his hand on Sirius’ shoulder and pulled him closer to press a kiss on his cheek. “Let me know if I can get you anything though, okay? I love you.”

“Love you too,” Sirius murmured before he left the kitchen and headed back to the guest room.

Remus went back to his room and he and Lily continued watching the show. A few hours later, the others came back.

“Did you guys have fun?” Remus asked while he helped to unpack the groceries they’d bought – among other things.

“Totally,” James said. “It was great.”

“Where’s Sirius?” Euphemia asked.

“Uh, he went to sleep a little in the guest room.”

“That’s where I just came from. He’s not in there.”

“Maybe in the other one?” Remus frowned worried. He left the kitchen to go see if Sirius was in the second guest room, but he stopped as soon as he entered the living room. “He’s outside on the terrace,” he called back towards the kitchen. “I’ll go get him.”

It was already pretty dark outside, which was probably why Euphemia hadn’t seen him before.

“Sirius, you’re gonna get sick sitting on the cold ground like this,” he said as he opened the glass door. “Come back inside, the others just got–” He stopped talking as soon as he actually took in the scene in front of him. Sirius was sitting on the ground, his arms wrapped around his knees, an empty liquor bottle in front of him.

“Oh, Sirius,” Remus breathed out and hastily walked over to him Sirius didn’t move, he just sat there, staring down at the city.

“Come on, let’s go inside.” Remus laid a hand on Sirius’ arm.

“Just leave me,” Sirius muttered slurred, pulling away from Remus’ touch. When he moved, Remus could see another bottle – half empty next to Sirius.

“Please, come inside.”

“I fucked up.” Sirius buried his face between his knees and his shoulders shook as he cried silently.

“It’s okay, Sirius. Just please come inside now. You’re gonna get sick out here.”

“I don’t _fucking care_ ,” Sirius roared, jumping up. In the movement, he kicked the empty bottle against the railing and knocked the half empty one over. He stared down at the liquid pouring out the bottle and groaned frustrated. “Fuck,” he cursed loudly and before Remus could react, Sirius spun around and rammed his fist against the wall.

Remus had stepped back, startled by Sirius’ sudden aggression, but when, after he’d punched the wall, Sirius just stood there, breathing strained, Remus stepped closer again.

“Please come back inside, Sirius,” he said carefully.

“Just leave me alone.”

Remus sighed deeply. “I’m gonna go get your mom,” he said then.

“No, wait,” Sirius spun around almost panicking, but when he tried to grab Remus, he stumbled and fell down on his knees. “Don’t tell her,” he plead. “She’ll be so disappointed.”

“She won’t, Sirius,” Remus said softly. “I’m gonna go get her now.”

When Remus went back inside, he could hear Sirius cursing frustrated and then one of the glass bottles shattering. He turned around to see if Sirius was hurt, but he just seemed to have thrown a bottle against the wall. Remus turned back around and hastened to the kitchen.

“Euphemia? Can you… come outside for a moment?”

“Sure. What’s going on?”

Remus waited until they had left the kitchen before he answered. “Uh… Sirius is… drunk.”

Euphemia pressed her lips together as she opened the terrace door and stepped outside. Sirius was sitting on the ground again, his face buried between his knees, glass shards everywhere around him.

“Come on, Sirius,” she said gently, laying her hand on his arm. “Let’s get you inside.”

“I’m sorry, Mom,” Sirius sobbed, burying his fingers in his hair, pulling on it.

“It’s okay, Sirius.” She crouched down next to him and rubbed his back. “Just come back inside now, okay?”

“I stole their whiskey,” Sirius hiccupped. “And I broke the bottle. They hate me now.”

“No one hates you, Sirius. Just come back inside now, please. You’re gonna get sick.”

Sirius nodded and Euphemia helped him to stand up and came back inside with him.

“I’m so sorry, Remus,” Sirius said quietly. Now, that he was inside, Remus could see that Sirius’ eyes were all red and puffy.

Euphemia looked at Remus. “Can you take him and get him some clean trousers? He spilled some whiskey over the one’s he’s wearing. I’ll clean up outside.”

“Oh, you don’t have to. I can do that later.”

“No, it’s fine.” Euphemia waved off. “I’ll be with you in a minute, Sirius. Okay?”

Sirius nodded and then Remus took his back to his room. “I’m really sorry, Remus,” Sirius said quietly.

“It’s okay, Sirius. Everything’s okay.”

Sirius sat down on the edge of the bed while Remus opened Sirius’ suitcase and pulled out a clean pair of pants for him.

After Sirius had changed, Remus hung the stained jeans over the back pf his chair, so at least they would dry until they’d wash them tomorrow.

“How are you feeling, Sirius?” he asked him, sitting down on the bed too.

Sirius just sighed quietly and leaned his head against Remus’ shoulder. “I’m sorry I came here,” he said quietly. “I shouldn’t have.”

“Why not?” Remus asked hoarsely, feeling his chest tightening. Did Sirius not actually want to be with him? Did he not love him?

“I’m not good for you. I’m so fucked up.”

“So? Me too. Sirius, you’ve been through a lot and it’s normal that you need time to process that and work through it. You’re such a wonderful person and I love you a lot.”

Sirius sighed again and for a few moments they both were silent.

“I love you too,” he said then. “But if you ever don’t want to be with me anymore, just tell me. I’ll understand.”

“That won’t happen, Sirius.” Remus took his hand, careful to not touch the abrasions on his knuckles. “I love you so much, okay? We can get through all of this together. It’s gonna be alright.”

“I just don’t want to pull you down. You’re doing so great and I don’t want to ruin this.”

“You’re not ruining anything, Sirius. You’re under no obligation to feel fine all the time. I want to be here for you like you’ve been there for me.”

“You don’t have to do this.”

“I _want_ to.”

Sirius slung his arms around Remus’ waist and pressed a kiss on his cheek. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too.”

They sat there together in silence until a few minutes later Euphemia came in.

“How are you feeling?” she asked Sirius and handed him a bottle of water.

Sirius just shrugged and took a few sips from the bottle before he leaned against her when she sat down on the bed next to him.

“I’m sorry, Mom,” he said quietly. “I’m such a disappointment.”

“No, Sirius,” she said softly and laid her arm around him, hugging him lightly. “You’re not a disappointment. You’ve been doing so well lately and you’re giving your best. Relapses happen and it’s okay.” She pressed a kiss on top of his head. “I talked to Hope and she said she was gonna put the alcohol away, to make this a bit easier for you, okay?”

“Is she angry at me?”

“No, not at all.”

“Sirius, my mom knows what this is like,” Remus said quietly. “I mean… you know, from me. If she had known, she would have taken it out of the cabinet in the living room before you even got here. I should have told her.”

“It’s not your fault. It’s no one’s fault. Except mine.” Sirius sighed frustrated and wiped over his face when tears streamed down his cheeks. “I’m such a fuck up.”

“You’re not a fuck up, Sirius.” Euphemia rubbed over his arm and held him close against her while Sirius cried. “Everything’s alright, yeah?”

Sirius shook his head. “I ruined everything.”

“You didn’t ruin anything Sirius, it’s okay. Everything’s okay,” she repeated softly.

When Sirius calmed down again he pulled back from her hug and propped his elbows on his knees, burying his face in his hands. “I’m sorry,” he said muffled.

“Can I do anything to make you feel better?” Euphemia asked him.

Sirius shook his head, still not looking up. “Can I be alone?” he asked after a moment.

Remus could see that Euphemia was hesitant. “Do you promise me that you will come get help if you need it? That you will talk to someone if you feel worse?”

Sirius just nodded.

“Look at me, Sirius,” Euphemia said.

Sirius sighed but then looked up.

“Can you promise me?” she asked again.

“I promise.”

“Good.” Euphemia nodded. “Also, dinner’s probably gonna be ready soon. Do you feel like you can eat something?”

“No.” Sirius shook his head.

“Alright. I love you, okay?”

“Love you too, Mom.”

“Just let me know if you need anything, okay?” Remus said softly. “You can text me if you don’t want to leave the room.”

“Okay.”

Remus followed Euphemia out of the room and they both exchanged a worried glance when Remus closed the door behind them. When they got back to the living room, Fleamont immediately came over to her when he saw her sad expression and hugged her, before they went a bit farther away from the others, talking quietly.

“How’s he doing?” James asked, frowning worried, when Remus sat down next to him and Lily on the couch.

“He’s _really_ wasted.” Remus sighed. “And he feels bad about it. But he wanted to be alone.”

“Do you think it’s a good idea to leave him alone?” Lily asked. “I mean… I know he _wants_ to be alone, but is it safe?”

Remus’ jaw clenched when suddenly an awful thought came to him and he uncomfortably rubbed his wrists. “James… has Sirius… has he ever…” He hesitated for a moment. “You know, uh… self–harmed?”

Lily reached out for his hand, knowing how uncomfortable it made Remus to talk about this subject.

“Not that I know,” James said.

This didn’t relieve Remus at all. He knew that it was possible to hide stuff like this. He had done it for so long. Also, it was winter. Wearing long sleeves or trousers every day wasn’t noticeable.

He could feel his chest tightening and himself struggling to breathe. What if Sirius had gotten the idea from him? What if this was his fault?

“Remus?” Lily squeezed his hand, but Remus barely felt it. “Remus, please stay here with me.” She held his hand and rubbed with her thumb over the back of it. “It’s okay, Remus. Just take a deep breath.”

Remus forced himself to focus on her voice and the feeling of Lily’s hand in his and shove everything aside for just a moment.

“Better?” Lily asked after a few minutes.

Remus nodded, taking a couple more deep breaths. “I’m really sorry,” he said then. “I just… I need to know he’s okay.”

“I’ll go be with him,” James said. “Okay? You take care of yourself, yeah?” He looked worried at Remus. “I promise I make sure Sirius won’t be hurt.”

“Thank you, James.”

James nodded and smiled lightly before he stood up and went to Remus’ room. Lily pulled Remus in a hug and pressed a kiss on his head.

“He’s gonna be alright, Remus,” she said then. “He’s just drunk and emotional right now. He will be fine.”

“What if he hurts himself?” Remus asked quietly. “I don’t want him to go through this.” He pulled the sleeves of his sweater down over his hands, suddenly feeling as if every scar on his body was burning.

“James is with him. He’s taking care of him. And Remus…” Lily hesitated for a moment before she continued. “Don’t get this the wrong way, alright? But… if I speak from my own experience… seeing how much you’re struggling with this… how hard you’re fighting… that definitely shows it’s not worth it. I don’t know if that comes across as mean or anything… I hope you know what I’m trying to say with that.”

Remus nodded. “I get what you mean. And I mean… I’m glad about that. I just… I’m still worried.”

“Yeah, I get that. But James is taking care of him now.”

“Yeah.”

For e few minutes they both were silent, but then Lily asked, “So how are you feeling? I know this isn’t easy for you. Is there anything I can do to help?”

“It’s okay, but thank you. I just hope Sirius feels better soon.”

“Yeah, me too.”

 

Later, when they ate dinner, James came back to eat with them. He said Sirius had calmed down again and that now he was just really tired. When Remus went to check in on him after dinner, he was asleep.

Relieved, Remus went back to the living room. His mom had to do some work stuff, and Fleamont and Euphemia retreated to the guest room to give James, Lily and Remus some time alone. They just talked a little and watched a movie and after that, Remus went to get his sleeping medication from his mother and then went to his room. Sirius was awake again and smiled sleepily at Remus when he entered.

“How are you feeling?” Remus asked him.

“’M okay,” Sirius mumbled.

“That’s good.” Remus smiled lightly. “I’m just gonna go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.”

Remus brushed his teeth and changed into his pyjamas before he went back to his room. Sirius was lying on his stomach, arms wrapped around one of the pillows and when he saw Remus coming back, he smiled again. It was completely different from how he smiled when he was sober. Kind of goofy, but really cute.

“You look happy,” Remus said while he turned on the fairy lights and turned off the other light before he lay down next to Sirius.

“I am happy. ‘M less drunk than before. It’s funny drunk now.”

“Funny drunk? That sounds good. – But you talk even worse than before.”

“I talk bad?” Sirius frowned.

“Slurred,” Remus explained.

“’S because I love you,” Sirius grinned and pressed a kiss against Remus’ neck.

“I really doubt that there’s any correlation between those things.”

“No, ‘s true.” Sirius nodded with a very earnest expression. “Cause like…” He stopped for a moment, trying to fine the right words. “Like… I love you so much…” He gesticulated, looking at Remus to see if he understood just how much. “You, like, make everything… mushy. – Well,” he added then, grinning again. “Not everything. Some things also get hard.”

Remus snorted and shook his head. “I can’t believe you.”

Sirius grinned at him, but after a few seconds the grin suddenly disappeared. “Did that… make you like uncomfortable or something?”

“No, it’s okay.”

“Good. ‘Cause I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. ‘Cause I love you.”

“I love you too, Sirius,” Remus said softly and leaned closer to kiss him.

“That’s good.” Sirius nodded. “Cause like… I wanna marry you.”

Remus chuckled quietly. “Yeah?”

“Of course. We could like… elope in Vegas. We could go right now.”

“I don’t think our parents would approve.”

“We’re adults. We can do what we want.”

“I still don’t think we should get married right now.”

Sirius fell silent for a moment. “So you don’t wanna marry me?”

“That’s not what I said.”

“What if I ask again in like… five years? Would you say yes then?”

“Sure.”

“Really?” Sirius smiled widely.

“Yeah.”

“Awesome.” He pressed a kiss on Remus’ cheek and took his hand. “So we’re like… engaged to be engaged now.” He thought about that for a moment. “Engagement engaged.”

“Engagement engaged?” Remus asked sceptically.

“Well how else would you say that?”

“How about for now we’re just boyfriends?”

“Like… for real?”

“Yeah.” Remus hesitated for a second. “If you want to, I mean,” he added insecurely.

“Uh, duh?!” Sirius laughed and kissed Remus’ lips. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too.”

For a few minutes they both lay there in silence. Sirius turned towards Remus and pressed a kiss on his cheek. “I have the best boyfriend in the world.”

“You’re so cheesy,” Remus said, smiling lightly.

“It’s true though.”

“Nuh-uh. I do.”

“And you say I’m cheesy,” Sirius laughed and kissed Remus again.

“Well, you are.”

“But you are too.”

“I’m not denying that.”

“Good. ‘Cause if you did… I would, like, have to fight you.”

Remus laughed. “I would win that fight.”

“Probably. But I would still fight you.”

 

 

* * *

>   * _[A/N] We're making a small jump back in time here, to the point after Remus left James and Lily and went to his room_
> 


* * *

 

Lily looked up from her phone when James entered the guest room and raised an eyebrow. “What do you think you’re doing here?”

James sighed. “You’re not really gonna make me share the other room with my parents?”

“Nah.” She grinned and moved aside, so he could sit down on the bed. “I’m just kidding.”

“Well, I wouldn’t put it past you, you know?”

She scoffed and smiled lightly, but there was something off about her.

“Are you alright?” James asked her, frowning worried.

“Yeah. I–I’m good.” She nodded, but didn’t look at him.

“Are you sure? It doesn’t seem like it.”

For a moment it looked like she was about to say something, but then she just shook her head. “Doesn’t matter. It’s stupid.”

“You can tell me.”

Her jaw clenched and James could see tears welling up in her eyes.

“Oh, hey,” he said softly. “It’s okay.” He carefully laid an arm around her shoulders, half expecting her to push him away, but instead she leaned against him.

“I’m really sorry,” she sniffled, wiping the tears off her cheek.

“It’s okay. Do you want to talk about it?”

She sighed quietly and then sat up straight again, looking down at her hands. “It’s just… what happened today with Sirius, brought back a lot of memories of… similar situations with Remus. And I just… it hurt so much having to see Remus go through this. And it hurts seeing how much Sirius is suffering.”

“I’m so sorry, Lily. I know it hurts. But they have help, both of them and they’re gonna get better.”

“You have to take care of Sirius, okay?” she said then firmly and looked up. “You can’t let him get any worse.”

“Of course.”

“Promise me.” There was so much worry and pain in her eyes, it hurt James.

“I promise you.”

She nodded and then lowered her gaze again when once more tears welled up in her eyes. “I just wish I had done something earlier to help Remus.”

“Didn’t you say you two weren’t friends until he was in a clinic? And that was when things started to get better?”

“Well, yeah, but…” She stopped for a moment, exhaling shakily and wiping the tears off her face. “We were in High School together. I mean, only two classes, I think, and we never really talked, but still. I noticed that something was off. He always used to hang out with that one girl and then suddenly they stopped talking and I saw him with these people – and I knew that they were no good. And after a couple of months he started to cut class sometimes or he wouldn’t show up until noon or stuff like this. And people started to talk, y’know? Also… he lost so much weight and he looked sick and I knew there was something wrong, but I just didn’t know how to talk to him. And then one day, I go to school and some people were talking about him. Saying that he had killed himself. And I mean… like I said, we never really talked, but it just hit me so hard and I felt awful and guilty and I broke down and my parents had to come pick me up from school. I was completely devastated, but my parents contacted his parents and they found out that Remus had survived. And then, uh… they gave me the address from the clinic he was in. It was… a different ward than the last time. He wasn’t allowed to have a phone there, so I wrote him a letter. And he actually wrote back and that’s when we started to become friends.  
“After a few weeks, he could go home for the weekend for the first time and I went to visit him and we spent time together and it was really great. But… one time, it was about two weeks after that, I think, we went to the movies together and afterwards we went to eat somewhere and then… Remus suddenly disappeared and when he came back he was completely shitfaced. And I wanted to take him home and uh… do you remember when I told you and Sirius about that fight? That’s when that happened. And I feel so awful. I should have taken better care of him. I mean there were other relapses too… but this one wouldn’t have happened if I had taken better care of him.”

“None of this is your fault, Lily,” James said softly. “You are such a good friend for Remus and you’ve helped him so much. Don’t beat yourself up over this.”

“Still… I just… don’t want him to be hurt,” she said quietly, looking down at her hands.

It hurt James to see her like this. So far, whenever they’d spent time together, she’d been in a really good mood, so seeing her like this was completely new. It hurt him seeing her this sad and vulnerable and he really wanted to make her feel better.

“Remus is going to be alright.” He reached out for her hand, relieved when she let him take it. “He’s strong. And he has you. You’re a wonderful friend and he is lucky to have you.”

Lily smiled lightly. “Thank you.”

“I’m just saying it how it is.”

For a few seconds Lily was quiet and just looked at him with an uninterpretable look on her face. “You’re not that bad either.”

James chuckled. “That’s about as nice as you get, isn’t it?”

“To you, yes.”

“Good enough for me.” He nudged her in the side and then stood up.

“Where are you going?” she asked frowning.

“Bathroom.”

“You know there’s one right there, yeah?” She pointed to a door that James hadn’t even noticed until right now.

“Jesus Christ.” James shook his head in disbelief. “This flat, I swear to god.”

Lily smiled, but didn’t say anything to it.

When he came back from the bathroom, Lily had turned on the TV and was surfing through the channels.

“Anything good on?” he asked her.

“As if there ever is,” she sighed. “But I don’t know how to get to Netflix on this TV.”

“Let me see the remote.” He held out a hand and took the remote from her while he flopped down on the bed. After a few minutes of pressing various buttons, they eventually figured it out.

“What do you want to watch?” he asked her.

Lily shrugged. “I don’t care.”

When James scrolled through the channels, Lily leaned against his shoulders. He grinned, opening his mouth, just about to say something, when she interrupted him.

“One word and I’ll rip your tongue out.”

James’ grin widened. “Alright then.” He laid his arm around her and eventually clicked on a movie.

As time passed, he could feel that Lily’s body tensed more and more. She was still leaning against him, but she seemed to be somewhere else with her thoughts.

“Are you okay?” he asked her softly when her hands suddenly clenched around the blanket and she frowned deeply.

“Sorry.” She shook her head lightly, trying to clear her thoughts. “I’m just… thinking about what we talked about before, you know?”

James gently rubbed her arm. “It’s okay. Do you want to talk about it again?”

“No, I’m… I’m okay.”

“Sure? You know that I’m here for you, right?”

“Thank you, James.” She smiled lightly at him and then reached out and took his hand. James smiled and closed his fingers around hers, rubbing with the thumb over the back of her hand.

“You are aware that I’m gonna kill you if you tell someone about this, right?” she asked him after a few minutes.

“Of course,” he said, smiling.

“Good. Cause… I can’t let Remus know that he was right.”

James frowned. “What do you mean?”

Lily smiled sheepishly, a faint blush spreading over her cheeks as she sat up, before she leaned closer and kissed him.


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for how long I took to update and sorry for how short the chapter is!  
> I'm inpatient in a mental hospital again at the moment and I'm not getting around to write as much as I'd like to

“Rise and shine, Sirius.”

Sirius groaned when, the second Remus’ voice woke him up, his head started to throb painfully.

“Go away,” he grumbled.

“Come on,” Remus said sweetly. “My precious puppy. My glitter fairy. My wonderful boyfriend.”

The last word made Sirius smile and he turned towards Remus, without opening his eyes though. “I like it when you call me that,” he murmured sleepily.

“Glitter fairy?” Remus asked and Sirius could literally _hear_ the grin in his voice.

“No.” Sirius clicked his tongue annoyed and opened his eyes to glare at Remus.

“I know.” Remus smiled at him and leaned closer to kiss him. “Here,” he said then and handed Sirius a painkiller. He waited until Sirius had sat up and then handed him a glass of orange juice as well.

“Thank you.” Sirius swallowed the pain killer and emptied the orange juice at once.

“How are you feeling?” Remus asked him and reached out to brush a strand of Sirius’ hair behind his ear.

“I’m okay,” Sirius said and forced himself to a smile. It wasn’t true, he felt awful about what he’d done last night. But Remus didn’t need to know that. Sirius was already more than enough of a burden.

“You sure?” Remus asked him.

“Yes.” Sirius kissed him quickly and then stood up, ignoring the painful stinging of his head. “I’m gonna take a shower.”

Before Remus could answer, Sirius went to the bathroom and closed the door behind himself.

He stayed in the shower for way too long, trying to wash off all these awful feelings, but of course it wasn’t that easy.

So eventually, Sirius gave up and left the shower. By the time he was done getting dressed and everything, it was way past noon. When he entered the living room, he saw James and his father sitting on the couch talking and Remus standing outside on the balcony smoking a cigarette.

Sirius stopped abruptly in the doorframe when the feeling that he just _shouldn’t be here_ returned with an unexpected force. It was worse than yesterday, because now, in addition to all the other shit going on inside of him, there was also guilt about what he’d done.

He shouldn’t be here. Everyone here would be so much better off without him. He was going to ruin this whole stay, just like he’d ruined last night.

Sirius didn’t know how long he stood there in the doorframe, but then James noticed him and smiled widely. “You’re up,” he said and moved aside on the couch to make room for Sirius. Sirius forced his legs to work and walked to the couch, sitting down between James and his father.

“How are you feeling?” Dad asked him.

“Fine,” Sirius mumbled, his eyes trailing to the liquor cabinet that was now empty. Seeing this and knowing that all alcohol had been hidden from him made him feel helpless. He didn’t know how to get through this whole time here without having a drink. He knew he’d gone too far yesterday, but having absolutely _nothing_ to fall back on…

“Sirius?” his father asked, sounding worried.

“Where did they put the… stuff?” Sirius asked, nodding towards the cabinet.

“Away,” his dad just said.

Sirius’ jaw clenched and he suddenly felt anger flare up inside of him. He stood up before he could say or do anything stupid, ignoring his father talking to him and went outside to Remus.

“Hey,” Remus said and smiled at him, pulling one of his earphones out. “You okay?”

“Can I have a cigarette?” Sirius asked him, ignoring Remus’ question.

Remus frowned. “I thought you only smoke when you drink.”

Sirius sighed, sounding more annoyed that he’d wanted to. “Please.”

Remus pressed his lips together, but then nodded and pulled out his cigarettes and his lighter, handing it to Sirius.

“Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Sirius lit a cigarette and sank down on the cold ground.

Remus sat down next to him, leaning against him. “I love you, okay?”

“Love you too,” Sirius mumbled and pressed a kiss on Remus’ head.

They sat out there in silence, just leaning against each other and smoking. Sirius was glad that Remus wasn’t making him talk about anything. He didn’t even know what was going on inside of him, much less how to put it in words.

The others seemed to sense that he didn’t want to talk about anything – especially last night – as well, so they mostly just let Sirius be.

They all had quite a lazy day – well, except for his mum and Remus’ mother. Hope seemed to have had a lot of fun cooking with Euphemia last night so the two of them spent most of the day in the kitchen, either talking about what Euphemia could teach her to cook or cooking almost too much for everyone to eat.

Sirius was glad to see how well the two of them got along. Remus was too, even though he made a lot of jokes about Hope’s cooking skills – or lack thereof.

James, Lily, Remus and Sirius spent the evening watching movies, but even though he had slept a lot last night, already around midnight, Sirius could barely keep his eyes open. He didn’t want to get up and leave though, so he just changed his position and laid his head on Remus’ lap. Remus brushed his fingers through Sirius’ hair and so it didn’t take long for Sirius to drift off to sleep.

* * *

 

“Do you think we should wake them up?” James asked, nodding towards Sirius and Remus, when Lily turned off the TV.

She shook her head. “Let them sleep.”

“Okay.” James stood up, carefully to not wake them and he and Lily went over to the guest room. Lily sat down on the edge of the bed, but for some reason, James hesitated and just stood there in the middle of the room.

When Lily noticed that James was looking at her, she raised an eyebrow. “Don’t just stand there and stare at me, you creep.”

James chuckled quietly. “Sorry,” he said and then stepped forward. He didn’t really know how to act around Lily. They had kissed last night… a lot… but nothing more had happened. Except Lily threatening to kill him if he told Remus of Sirius. They hadn’t really talked about what had happened though. James didn’t know if it had been a one-time thing or if she liked him too… And it just sucked. Not because of her, but because of him. He’d only had one girlfriend before and he’d never really had the desire for a serious relationship again after that… until Lily had come along. It was totally pathetic, but it was how it felt.

“Ah,” Lily sighed and scrunched her nose when she saw the expression on James’ face. “You want to talk about last night, don’t you?”

James shrugged, even though the honest answer would be a clear _yes_ and sat down next to Lily. “I would like to know where we’re at,” he said eventually.

“Well, right now we’re in New York in the Lupins’ guest room.”

“Come on.” James nudged her with his shoulder. “You know what I mean.”

“I’m sorry.” Lily looked down at her hands. “I’m bad at this stuff.”

“It’s okay.” James nodded understandingly. “We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

“Really?” Lily looked as if she didn’t quite believe him.

“Yeah. It’s fine.”

“I’m really sorry, okay? I’m just bad at stuff like this. Also… the last guy I liked turned out to be a huge fucking douchebag.”

“So you like me?” James raised an eyebrow.

“You’re an asshole.”

“Does that mean yes?”

“It means you’re an asshole.” Lily punched him in the upper arm and then moved back, lying down on the bed.

“I can live with that.” James grinned and then got up to turn off the lights.

~

James slept until his mother came to wake him and Lily up at eleven, because they would eat soon. When he entered the living room, he saw Sirius and Remus standing outside on the balcony, smoking. It wasn’t the first time that Sirius went out of his ‘habit’ to only smoke when he was drunk, so James hoped that it would be like the last few times and stop again after a couple of weeks.

A few minutes later, Remus and Sirius came back inside and they all started to eat.

“When’s Dad coming today?” Remus asked his mother.

“I’m picking him up at the airport at three.”

“Oh, can I come with you?” Lily asked immediately.

“Sure.” Hope smiled and nodded, but Remus rolled his eyes.

“I saw that, Remus.” Lily glared at him across the table.

“You’re so weird,” Remus said. “Why are you so obsessed with airports?”

“I’m not obsessed, I’m enthusiastic.”

Remus raised an eyebrow. “ _Right_.”

“You’re stupid.”

“You’re stupider.”

“I’m gonna throw an egg at you.”

“Why would you throw yourself at me?”

Lily sighed exasperated and buried her face in her hands. “Not this again. Stop calling me an egg.”

“Lily _Egg_ vans,” Remus muttered under his breath.

Lily glared angrily at James and Sirius when the two of them snickered. “I hate _all_ of you,” she declared loudly.

When they were done eating, they helped clean up and after that, Lily went to get dressed and James was sitting on the couch with Sirius and Remus, watching some TV. Sirius seemed to feel better than yesterday, though James was sure that Sirius wasn’t actually feeling quite as good as he pretended to. He’d known Sirius for almost half his life by now and he could see that he was trying to hide some things. He didn’t walk to him about it though, because right now, it wasn’t any harm for Sirius to just enjoy the time here as much as possible, without talking about difficult things the whole time.

Lily and Hope left for the airport at short after two. The door had barely fallen closed behind them when Remus turned towards James, raising an eyebrow.

“So,” he said.

“So?”

“You like Lily.” Remus grinned and James sighed, rolling his eyes and shooting Sirius an annoyed look. Sirius deliberately turned his head away, suddenly very interested with the magazine on the coffee table.

“Did you tell her?” Remus asked when James didn't say anything.

“She knows,” James said. He didn't see a point in lying to Remus.

“And?” Remus raised an eyebrow.

James didn't answer. Keeping things to himself wasn't lying. He knew that Lily didn't want Remus to know that they’d kissed.

“Come on.” Remus nudged James’ shoulder. “Lily won't tell me anything. I think it’s just because she doesn't want to tell me I was right. But I know I was. I’m _always_ right. So tell me.”

Now James knew that Lily had meant. He rolled his eyes lightly. “Well, you weren't.” He didn't know why he’d said that and when he saw how Remus’ face dropped and Sirius looked at him, he wished he hadn't.

“Oh.” Remus sounded genuinely sad. “I’m sorry, James, I really thought–”

“Don't,” James interrupted him. He hadn't wanted to make Remus feel bad, but there was no way of backing out of this without Lily possibly murdering him. “It’s fine.”

Remus nodded, but he didn't seem very convinced.

“Honestly!” James reassured him. “Just drop it.”

Remus and Sirius both nodded and then all of then turned their attention back to the TV.

When Lily and Remus’ parents came back, Remus jumped up from the couch to greet his father instantly. Sirius and Mum already knew him as well, but James and his father met him for the first time.

Lyall looked a lot like Remus and James was pretty sure that once Remus started testosterone, the similarities would be even bigger. He’d barely known anything about transgender people before, but when Sirius had met Remus, he’d started to do a lot of research on the subject and that way, James had learned a lot about it too. He had huge respect for Remus for handling all of this – on top of all the other things he’d been through.

When they’d all said hello to Lyall, James suddenly noticed that Lily and Remus weren't here with the rest of them anymore. He sighed, hoping that Remus wasn't telling her about what they’d been talking about before.

But sure enough, only a few minutes later, Lily came stomping out of Remus’ room, looking rather annoyed. She grabbed the sleeve of James’ hoodie and dragged him after her out on the balcony, closing the door behind them.

“It’s freezing out here!” James complained, wrapping his arms around himself and wishing he was wearing shoes.

“You told Remus I don't like you.”

“You said he can’t know he was right,” James defended himself.

“Yeah, but–” Lily sighed exasperated, burying her face in her hands. “Now Remus feels bad,” she continued, looking up again.

“Why would he feel bad? You were the one that broke my heart.”

“I did _not_ break your heart.” Lily slapped him on the arm with the sleeve of her jumper.

“But Remus thinks you did.”

She rolled her eyes, but couldn't hide a grin. “He thinks he made you false hope because he told Sirius that he thinks I like you.”

“Then tell him he didn't.”

“ _Noooo_ ,” Lily whined. “He can't know that he’s right.”

“You're exhausting.”

“You're an asshole.”

James sighed. “Then what do you want to do?”

“I don't know. This is your fault.”

“ _My_ fault?” James asked disbelieving. “ _You’re_ the one who can’t be honest to her best friend.”

“This all wouldn't be a problem if you weren't so–” Lily stopped, blushing deeply.

James raised an eyebrow, smirking. “If I wasn't so _what?_ Dashing? Sexy? Irresistible?”

“This all wouldn't be a problem if you weren't so persistent!” Lily called out, angrier than James had expected.

He frowned, but didn't say anything, waiting for her to continue.

“Why couldn't you just accept that I’m not any good for relationships like everyone else and just let me dislike you?”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m not good at this stuff,” Lily groaned frustrated, avoiding eye contact.

“ _No one’s_ ‘good’ at this stuff, Lily,” James said softly. “It’s not about being good or bad at something. It’s about…” He shrugged. “Being with someone you like.”

“Yeah, but… you have to show them that you like them. _Tell_ them. And I can’t- I can’t do that. Remus is… Remus is different. He’s my best friend. I love him. And him I can tell. But anyone else… even my family… I just can't. I…” She clenched her jaw, turning her face away. “I just can’t express affection. You deserve better than that.”

James’ heart ached seeing her like this. She looked so scared and vulnerable.

“But you kissed me.”

“That was different. That was physical.”

“So it didn't mean anything?”

“That’s not what I mean.” Lily sighed. “Look. I’m… weird. I can't do relationships. Just… give up on me.” She looked up at James, her jaw clenched, but her eyes gave away that this wasn't what she really wanted him to do.

James stepped closer, laying his hands on her cheeks, giving her time to interrupt if she wanted to. When she didn't, he leaned closer and kissed her deeply.

When Lily pulled back, she smiled at James for a moment, before her eyes widened horrified and she hit James. “Everyone saw that you fucking idiot.” She punched his upper arm.

“I’m just gonna assume that this is Lily Evans’ charming way of saying ‘that was the best kiss I’ve had in my whole life, but unfortunately it wasn't very private’.”

She glared at him for a moment but then her eyebrow twitched and she smirked. “Not enough tongue,” she said then before she turned around and went back inside.

For a few seconds, James just stood there, looking after her, shaking his head in disbelief. He could hear Remus yelling “I told you so!” triumphantly and rolled his eyes lightly, eventually going back inside as well.

Remus looked at him with a shit–eating grin on his face until Lily punched him in the upper arm.

“Don’t punch me,” he protested, punching her back at the same time.

“Then don’t be so insufferable.”

“I’m not insufferable. _You’re_ insufferable.”

“You’re insufferable times two.”

“God, you two are worse than James and I,” Sirius groaned.

“Not true,” Remus and Lily said at the same time.

“Definitely true,” James snorted.

Remus looked as if he wanted to say something else, but then he got distracted when he saw Euphemia. “Oh, Momma!” he called out.

“What?”

“You owe me ten dollars. Lily and James kissed.”

Euphemia sighed deeply and reached into her pocket to get out her wallet while both James’ and Lily’s faces turned a deep shade of red.

“I can’t believe you made a bet with your mom,” Lily hissed when Euphemia was gone again.

“It was easy money.” Remus shrugged.

“I hate you so much.”

Remus handed her the ten dollars. “Better?” he asked then.

“Not in the slightest.”

Remus rolled his eyes and nudged her in the shoulder. “I know you’re not gonna be mad at me for long.”

Lily glared darkly at him, not saying a word.


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for:  
> \- talking about sexual abuse  
> \- sexual content

“You alright?” Remus asked as he stepped outside on the balcony to join Sirius. He wrapped his arms around Sirius’ waist from behind and kissed his neck.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Sirius said, but he sounded very tense.

Remus pulled out his packet of cigarettes and offered one of them to Sirius.

“Thank you.” Sirius smiled lightly at him.

They stood next to each other in silence for a while, staring off into the bright lights of the city against the night sky.

“Remus?” Sirius asked quietly after a while.

“Yeah?”

“Do you… know where they put the alcohol?”

Remus sighed deeply. “Sirius…”

“Please.” Leaned his forearms on the railing, lowering his head. “I just need one drink. Just to relax. To calm down.”

“You don’t need alcohol for that.”

“God, you don’t fucking understand!” Sirius snarled angrily, pushing himself upright again, before he stomped inside. Remus sighed deeply and finished his cigarette to give Sirius some time to cool down before he followed him inside.

Sirius was in Remus’ room, sitting on the edge of the bed, looking down at his intertwined fingers. “I’m sorry,” he murmured when he heard Remus enter.

“It’s okay.” Remus sat down next to him and pressed a kiss on his cheek. “I know it’s difficult for you right now.”

“I just want one drink. It won’t get out of hand again. Just one drink.”

“Doesn’t it concern you that you can’t deal with this without alcohol? Don’t you want to try?”

“I just want to feel better.”

It hurt Remus to see Sirius like this. He did want him to feel better but he knew that giving him a drink now wouldn’t be good for him in the long run.

“Is there something else that could help you feel better?”

“I don’t know. I don’t _care_. I just want a drink.”

“Why?”

Sirius frowned. “Cause I wanna feel better,” he said in a isn’t–that–obvious tone of voice.

“What’s making you feel bad?”

Sirius sighed deeply, hesitating before he answered. “I feel bad for… being so much trouble. Your parents paid for plane tickets for my whole family. They invited us here. They let us all stay at their place. And I steal their liquor and get hammered and I’m nothing but trouble.”

“Nobody’s angry at you for what happened, Sirius. But don’t you see that this is exactly why you should have other coping mechanisms than drinking?”

Sirius groaned. “You sound like my therapist.”

Remus smiled lightly. “How often have you been to therapy?” he asked then.

“Twice.”

“How did it go?”

“It was okay, I guess. I mean we obviously didn’t get very far yet, but he seems nice.”

“That’s good. I’m really proud of you for doing this.”

“Thank you. I don’t think I would’ve done that if it wasn’t for you, to be honest.” Sirius blushed lightly. “I used to think therapy was just for, like,… maniacs and psychopaths. I know it’s wrong.”

“I’m glad you got help.” Remus reached out to take Sirius’ hand. “You deserve to feel better.”

Sirius smiled at him and leaned closer to kiss him softly.

“Sirius?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you… want to take a bath?” Remus blushed deeply as soon as the question left his mouth. The idea had come to him spontaneously and he’d wanted to ask before he was too ashamed to do so.

“Yeah.” Sirius smiled lightly. “That sounds nice.”

“Okay.” Remus felt his blush darken and he bit his lip nervously.

* * *

 

Sirius sat on the edge of the tub and turned off the water as soon as it was full. Remus had gone back to his room, probably to look for something to wear.

When he entered the bathroom, closing the door behind himself, he was wearing an oversized shirt, that almost reached to his knees.

“You okay?” Sirius frowned worried when he saw the nervous look on Remus’ face.

Remus nodded but his face looked tense.

“We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. It’s okay if you changed your mind.”

“It’s not that,” Remus said, shaking his head stiffly. He stepped closer to Sirius, before he stopped again, gritting his teeth. Sirius opened his mouth to ask again if Remus was okay, but before he could get a sound out, Remus grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled it over his head. For a few seconds, Sirius was completely dumbfounded, when Remus stood in front of him completely naked. His eyes travelled over Remus’ body, but when he reached his face and saw the scared look, his worry came back instantly.

“Not good?” Remus asked insecurely, sheepishly clinging onto the shirt.

“What?” Sirius’ eyes widened. “No, I just–” He stopped for a moment, trying to find the right words. “You’re so beautiful.”

Remus’ blushed deeply and smiled, but he still looked nervous. Sirius stood up and walked over to him to kiss him. He laid his hands on Remus’ waist, feeling his soft skin under his palms.

“I have the most handsome boyfriend in the whole world,” he murmured against Remus’ lips before he kissed him again.

Remus’ face was a deep shade of red and he turned his head away, embarrassed. “Stop it.”

“It’s true.” Sirius pressed a kiss on his cheek.

Remus shook his head, but before Sirius could say anything more, Remus silenced him with a quick kiss. Sirius decided to let it drop for now and instead took off his clothes too and they both climbed into the tub. Remus was sitting between Sirius’ legs, resting with his back against Sirius’ chest, just like the last time. Sirius tied his hair up, before he leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss against Remus’ neck.

“I love you,” he said quietly.

“I love you too.” Remus closed his fingers around Sirius’ hand. “How are you feeling?” he asked then.

“Better,” Sirius said honestly. He still craved a drink, but it wasn’t as bad anymore as it had been before.

“That’s good. But tell me if it gets worse again. We’ll see what we can do, okay?”

“Yes. Thank you.” Sirius kissed Remus’ shoulder. “What did you do? I mean… I know it’s not the same, but… what did you do to get through withdrawal?”

“I don’t think it’s that different, actually. I mean, most of the stuff I took, I took for the same reasons you drink. Self–harm happened for similar reasons. But what helps me… sometimes distraction. Just occupy yourself with something else. If there’s something that worries you or bothers you, try to find a solution instead of escaping it. I know it sounds easier than it is, believe me, I know it’s hard.” Remus gave Sirius’ hand a squeeze. “Or talk to someone. Just vent. Maybe exercise. – I mean, I personally am too lazy for that one, but yeah.” Remus chuckled. “Also eating something really spicy or really sour sometimes helps too. Although I mostly use that one when I have the urge to self–harm or when I feel like I’m losing myself. Or try breathing exercises. It really helps a lot to calm down.”

“Thank you, Remus.”

“Anytime.” Remus turned his head to smile at him. “And really, you can always talk to me. I’m always here to listen and to try to help.”

“I’m always here for you too.” Sirius kissed him softly. “We really are messed up though,” Sirius chuckled.

“Well, who isn't?” Remus smiled lightly.

“True. But you and I really break the record.”

“We can get through this,” Remus said optimistically.

“I really hope so.” Sirius leaned his head on Remus’ shoulder and closed his eyes, wrapping his arms around Remus’ waist.

They sat there in silence for a while, just leaning against each other, both deep in their own thoughts.

“Can I ask you something?” Remus asked after a while.

“Sure.”

“Does it really not bother you? That my body isn’t right, I mean.”

“I don’t think of your body as ‘not right’, Remus. I mean I know that you don’t feel comfortable in it and I will support you in all the changes you want to make, but your body as it is now is beautiful and perfect.”

“You’re _so_ cheesy,” Remus said accusingly. “But thank you.”

“I’m just saying it how it is.”

“How _you see it_.”

“Shush.” Sirius pecked his cheek. “You’re perfect.”

“I’m far from that.”

“I don’t think so.”

“I think _you’re_ perfect.”

“How did we go from ‘we both are so messed up’ to ‘you’re perfect’, ‘no _you’re_ perfect’ in less than five minutes?” Sirius chuckled.

“We’re weird.”

“That I can agree with.”

Remus laughed and turned his head to kiss Sirius. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Remus leaned back against Sirius’ chest again and for a while they both just sat there. Until Sirius started to kiss Remus’ neck and his hands slid from Remus’ belly upwards towards his breasts.

“Is it okay if I do that?” he asked quietly.

“Yeah.” Remus nodded and arched his back a little when Sirius’ hands cupped his breasts. Sirius sucked at the spot where Remus’ neck met his shoulders while his fingers gently pinched Remus’ nipples. A quiet moan escaped Remus’ mouth, and he instantly blushed deeply and turned his head away.

“Don’t be embarrassed,” Sirius murmured against his skin and kissed him again. “It’s good when you like what I do.”

Remus nodded, but he kept his head turned away from Sirius and his mouth shut tightly.

“It’s okay if you want to stay quiet too.” Sirius peppered his neck with kisses. “But promise me you’ll stop me if I do something you don’t like.”

“I will.”

Sirius hummed approvingly and kissed Remus’ neck again, right below his ear. Remus’ head tipped back and he closed his eyes, while Sirius’ lips and hands wandered over his body.

At first, Sirius’ hands were just cupping his breasts and gently teasing his nipples, but then one of them roamed lower, eventually resting on Remus’ lower belly.

“Is it okay if I touch you… _there_?” he asked with a raspy voice.

“Yeah,” Remus whispered, his voice not working properly. “But– but go slow,” he added hastily.

“Okay.” Sirius exhaled shakily as his hand slowly slid lower. He could hear Remus holding his breath. But when Sirius didn’t do anything, except letting his hand rest on Remus’ crotch, barely even touching it, and Remus slowly relaxed.

“You alright?” Sirius asked quietly.

Remus nodded. “Yeah.”

Sirius kissed Remus’ neck. “Do you want me to… y’know…” He chuckled awkwardly and kind of embarrassed. “You just… uh… have to tell me how.”

Remus squirmed uncomfortably and Sirius pulled his hand back. “Sorry,” he murmured.

“No… it’s… it’s not because of you. It’s just…” Remus exhaled shakily. “There’s something I haven’t told you yet.”

Sirius waited a few seconds for Remus to continue. When he didn’t, Sirius pressed a soft kiss on his temple. “It’s okay,” he said quietly. “You don’t need to justify why you don’t want me to do something, yeah?”

“Thank you.” Remus turned his head and kissed Sirius softly. “Can we get out of the bathtub?” he asked then. “My fingers are all wrinkly and it’s disgusting.”

“Your fingers are cute when they’re wrinkly,” Sirius said and raised Remus’ hand to press a kiss on his knuckles. “I can’t wait until we’re both old and grey and wrinkly _everywhere_.”

Remus laughed and shook his head lightly. “You’re an idiot.”

Sirius shrugged. “I know. At least I’m cute though.”

“True.” Remus grinned and stepped out of the tub. He reached out to grab a towel, but before he could do that, Sirius grabbed it and wrapped it around Remus’ shoulders.

“You’re cute too though,” he said then and pecked Remus’ lips.

Remus felt himself blushing and he buried his face in the towel. Sirius grabbed a towel for himself as well and pulled the drain from the bathtub before they went back to Remus’ room.

Sirius opened his suitcase to look for some clothes to wear when Remus snatched one of his shirts right out of his hands and put it on himself. Sirius opened his mouth to protest but when he looked at Remus, he just sighed.

“You _cannot_ look better in my clothes than I do. It’s not fair.”

Remus tilted his head and rolled his eyes lightly. “I don’t.”

“Yeah, you do.” Sirius grabbed another shirt and put that on instead. “And it’s not fair,” he added while he slipped into a pair of boxers.

Remus rolled his eyes again and flopped down on his bed. “You need glasses.”

“Bullshit.” Sirius lay down next to Remus and rolled over to kiss his cheek. Remus turned his head so his lips met Sirius’ and kissed him deeply.

“I want to tell you,” he said when he ended the kiss.

It took Sirius a second to realise that Remus was talking about what he’d said earlier in the bathtub.

“I hope… this doesn’t change anything,” Remus said quietly and lowered his gaze, intertwining his fingers with Sirius’. “The reason I didn’t want you to… uh, _touch_ me is because…” He swallowed empty and clenched his jaw. “I can’t… have an orgasm.” He inhaled deeply. “Because… I had one when I was assaulted. And ever since then… I just can’t.” By the end, Remus’ voice was so quiet it was barely audible and his whole body was tensed and he looked so anxious, as if he was afraid Sirius would lash out and hit him or something.

Remus’ hand was still clenched around Sirius’ tightly, so Sirius raised their hands and pressed a soft kiss on the back of Remus’.

“I’m so sorry this happened to you,” he said weakly, knowing that those words didn’t even remotely express what he was actually feeling. He would give everything to take all this pain off Remus. He hated that Remus was in so much pain. Hated those men for what they’d done to Remus.

Remus looked up carefully, almost anxiously. “I swear I didn’t want what they were doing to me,” he whispered. “I didn’t want it. I didn’t like it.”

“I know!” Sirius said hastily. “I know, Remus. It’s not your fault that your body reacted that way. It doesn’t mean you wanted it. It’s a physical reaction, nothing more.”

Remus exhaled relieved and hugged Sirius, burying his face in the crook of his neck. Sirius held him tightly, rubbing his back.

“I’m so sorry you had to go through his.” He kissed the top of Remus’ head. “I love you so much, okay?”

“I love you too.” Remus pulled back from the hug and kissed Sirius’ lips. “Thank you for not being disgusted by me.”

“Remus…” Sirius sighed quietly. “Of course I’m not disgusted. There’s nothing to be disgusted about.”

Remus just shrugged, not looking very convinced and leaned his head against Sirius’ shoulder. Sirius laid his arm around Remus and kissed his forehead.

“Are you okay?” he asked when Remus remained silent. “I mean… talking about this… was difficult for you.”

“I’m fine,” Remus said quietly. “I just… feel like I’m such a disappointment.”

“Why do you feel like that?”

“I mean… I was already surprised that you even kept texting me after that time I just disappeared for days and then told you what happened. And then… when I was at your place and told you the whole story… you still stayed with me. You’re _so_ good. And _so_ wonderful and I just keep and keep burdening you with more of my bullshit and I’m _so_ sorry. I mean… you’re probably always thinking ‘that’s it, there can’t be anything else’, but there always is. I’m such a mess.”

“You’re not burdening me, Remus. It’s not your fault that you had to go through so much pain. I want to be here for you. It’s okay for you to tell me those things. I love you, okay?”

“I love you too. And I’m really sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sorry.” Sirius kissed Remus gently. “It’s not your fault, okay?”

“Thank you.” Remus tightened the hug again.

“Can I ask you something? It’s okay if you don’t want to answer it though.”

“Go ahead.”

“I don’t know if you remember that… but um, that day when I sent you that dolphin video, we, uh, we talked about masturbation. And you said you didn’t do it because it makes you dysphoric. Is that true, or is it because you can’t… y’know?”

Remus blushed deeply and he lowered his eyes when he answered. “The second one. I mean, I _do_ get bottom dysphoria sometimes, but the main reason is because I can’t have an orgasm anyways. I mean I used to try, y’know? But… it brought up a lot of bad memories most of the time and it never worked so eventually I gave it up.”

“Oh.” Sirius fell silent for a moment, not knowing what to say. “Do you… want to give it up for good or do you think you’d want to try again at some point?”

Remus’ blushed deepened and he smiled sheepishly, looking as if he wasn’t sure he could say what he was thinking right now.

“Tell me,” Sirius said, grinning lightly.

His face deep red, Remus bit on his bottom lip. “I’ve been thinking… that… maybe… if– if you want to…” He hesitated for a moment, looking insecurely at Sirius. “It might… be easier if you were with me. To… not forget where I’m actually at, y’know?”

Sirius didn’t want to blow the whole thing by saying something wrong, because he knew that it had cost Remus a lot of overcoming to say this out loud, but the problem was that Sirius had no idea what the right thing to say right now was.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to,” Remus said turning his head when Sirius remained silent. “I get it.”

“No, no, no,” Sirius said hastily. “I do– I _do_ want to. It’s just… I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to say anything wrong. I don’t want to… _do_ anything wrong. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Just be honest with me.” Remus leaned in and kissed him softly.

Sirius nodded. “Of course.”

“So… do you… want to try it?” Remus ducked his head embarrassed and bit his lip.

Sirius nodded and smiled lightly, but he couldn’t deny that he was nervous too.

“Just… don’t be mad if it doesn’t work out please.”

“Of course not.”

~

Sirius was very hesitant at first, he didn’t want to go too fast or do anything that Remus wouldn’t want him to. But Remus seemed sure about what he was doing and his hands were all over Sirius’ body and his lips were so soft against Sirius’, there was just no room for worry.

It didn’t take long for both of their shirts to lie abandoned on the floor. Sirius’ mouth trailed from Remus’ lips to his neck and further down to his chest. Quiet moans escaped Remus’ mouth when Sirius’ lips closed around his nipples. His fingernails scraped over Sirius’ scalp when he grabbed his hair tightly.

Sirius could feel himself growing harder as he peppered Remus’ chest with delicate kisses, slowly making his way down over his stomach. But when he reached the waistband of Remus’ boxer briefs and went to pull them down, Remus stopped him.

“Wait. Not– not with your mouth.” His already red face darkened even more and he insecurely bit his lower lip.

“Okay.” Sirius shoved himself higher to kiss Remus’ lips. “Is it okay for you to take your underwear off?”

Remus hesitated for a moment. “Can I… do it under the blanket?” he asked shyly. “Sorry, I know I’m being silly but–”

Sirius interrupted him with a quick kiss. “You’re not being silly. It’s okay. I want you to feel safe and comfortable.”

Remus nodded and then grabbed the blanket, pulling it over both of them. He reached under the blanket to take off his underwear and when he was naked, he just looked at Sirius with an insecure expression on his face.

“Is it okay if I touch you?” Sirius asked him.

Remus nodded, but his eyes were widened and he was watching Sirius’ face closely when Sirius placed his hand on Remus’ belly, as if he was waiting for some sort of bad reaction. Sirius slowly shoved his hand lower, giving Remus time to interrupt whenever he wanted to.

“You okay?” Sirius asked when his hand was resting on Remus’ crotch, just like before in the bathtub.

Remus nodded. “Yeah,” he said quietly.

“Can you… show me how?”

Remus’ eyes widened and his face went from deep red to pale in less than a second. “Show you?” he asked almost shocked.

“I just mean… you can like… put your hand on mine and show me how to touch you.”

“Oh.” His face went back to red again. “Okay. I– I guess.” His jaw clenched and he looked embarrassed. When he put his hand on Sirius’ and adjusted its position, he turned his head away, so Sirius couldn’t see his face anymore.

“Can you, uh, feel that, uh… under your fingertip?” he asked, his voice shaking as he put a bit of pressure on Sirius’ middle finger. “That, uh… nub?”

“Yeah.”

“Well. Uh.” Remus fell silent for a moment. “I can’t do this,” he sighed then frustrated. He pulled his hand back and Sirius did so as well. “This is too awkward. _I’m_ too awkward.”

“Do you want to stop?”

“No. Yes. No. I don’t know.” Remus sighed again. “I’m just so awkward.”

“Do you want me to look it up online?”

“Oh my god, no.” Remus buried his face in his hands. “That’s even more awkward.”

“Now I feel bad for not paying more attention in sex ED, but I honestly didn’t think I’d ever be confronted with a vagina.”

Remus laughed, but he still seemed very tense. Sirius leaned closer to press a kiss on his cheek.

“What can I do to make this easier for you?” he asked then.

“I don’t know.” Remus sighed. “I’m sorry, okay? I’m ruining everything.”

“You’re not ruining anything. First times with someone new are always awkward.” Sirius chuckled quietly. “You should have seen me with my second boyfriend. Jesus, I was so nervous, I squirted lube in his eye.”

Remus laughed. “No way.”

“I swear. _That_ was awkward.”

“I’m not entirely sure if I should believe you.”

“It’s true though.”

“Thank you for not being annoyed by me.” Remus smiled lightly.

“Of course not.” Sirius kissed Remus’ lips softly. “Do you want to try again?”

“Okay,” Remus said hesitantly.

“You know you don’t have to, right?”

“Yeah, no, it’s… it’s not that I don’t want to. I just… don’t know how. I’m… embarrassed.”

“You don’t need to be. I know it’s not something that can be easily shoved aside, but you really don’t have to feel embarrassed when you’re with me. Okay?”

Remus nodded and kissed Sirius, before he moved closer to him. When their hands were in the same position as before, Remus put pressure on Sirius’ middle finger again, but this time he also moved his hand, so Sirius’ finger was rubbing the small nub in a circular motion.

“Just… like this,” Remus whispered.

Sirius nodded and when Remus pulled his hand back, Sirius continued the movement while he also moved closer and kissed Remus’ neck. Remus sighed quietly and tipped his head back, giving Sirius better access to his neck.

“Does it feel good?” Sirius asked after a while.

Remus nodded and hummed approvingly. He had turned his head away from Sirius, but Sirius could see that he had his eyes shut and he could hear that Remus’ breath quickened. Sirius sped up the movement of his hand and Remus cursed under his breath and covered his face with his hands, a moan slipping over his lips. Sirius pressed a kiss against Remus’ shoulder and Remus moved his arm, so Sirius could kiss his neck again. Remus’ quiet moans found their way directly to Sirius’ crotch and Sirius found himself involuntarily pressing his pelvis against Remus’ hip. Remus didn’t react to it, maybe he didn’t notice or maybe it just didn’t bother him. Remus breathed more heavily and his jaw clenched, his hips bucking up against Sirius’ hand. But then suddenly he groaned frustrated and turned away from Sirius, rolling himself together to a small ball.

“Fuck,” he whimpered.

“Are you okay?” Sirius asked worried.

“I’m fine. It’s just…” Remus sighed and rolled on his back again. “I thought it was gonna work.”

“It’s okay.” Sirius pressed a kiss on Remus’ cheek. “We can try again another time.”

Remus smiled lightly. “It was really nice though,” he said then.

“I’m glad.”

Remus reached for his underwear and his shirt and put both things back on. When he was done, he moved closer to Sirius and leaned his head against his shoulder.

“Sirius?” he asked quietly. “Do you… want me to… y’know, do that for you?”

“Do _you_ want to?” Sirius asked back.

Remus was silent for a few moments. “It’s… not that I don’t want to…” he said then hesitantly. “But it’s just… I don’t know if I’m ready for it.”

“Then you don’t have to. You don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for.”

“But I feel bad, because you did it for me and I made you touch me but then I don’t–”

“You didn’t _make_ me touch you,” Sirius interrupted him. “It’s a big step you took today and it’s completely understandable if that's enough for you right now.”

“But I should have done something for _you_ instead of you doing something for _me_.”

“You think that didn’t give me anything?” Sirius smiled and shook his head lightly. “It was wonderful, okay? You don’t owe me anything. You didn’t do anything wrong. It was great, okay?”

Remus sighed deeply but pushed himself up to kiss Sirius. “Thank you. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

 


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry the chapter is so short xxx

The next day none of them did very much. Lily went home briefly to get a few things she needed and to say hi to her relatives, Remus and James were watching a movie in Remus’ room and Sirius had fallen asleep again. It was really bad weather; last night it had snowed for a bit, but it had turned into rain early in the morning.

Nevertheless, Euphemia and Fleamont had gone outside for a bit (after Fleamont had been able to ensure his wife that, no, they wouldn’t get lost, and yes, he really was sure he’d be able to find the way back). Lyall was in bed because he had a really bad migraine and Hope had actually planned to get some work done, but she had given up on that quickly and instead was mostly taking care of Lyall or resting as well.

“Do you have a pen?” James asked Remus after a while.

“Uh, yeah, on my desk. Why?”

James didn’t answer, but just got up from the bed and walked over to the desk, looking for a pen. He came back with a waterproof pen in his hand and that’s when Remus realised what James was about to do.

“Really?” Remus sighed when James drew a dick on Sirius’ cheek.

“Well, you don’t have to draw on him if you don’t want to, but I’m not letting this opportunity slide.”

“No, I want too.” Remus held his hand out for the pen.

James chuckled and then handed it to him.

“Oh, Sirius is gonna kill you for that one,” James said when Remus filled the space between Sirius’ brows to make a unibrow out of them. “His eyebrows are holy.”

“I know,” Remus grinned.

They passed the pen back and forth between the two of them until there was no more space on Sirius’ face to draw on.

“It’s a masterpiece,” James said contently and pulled out his phone to take a couple of pictures.

“He’s gonna be so angry when he wakes up. Those pens are really hard to get off.”

“Good,” James grinned. “And don’t you dare tell him. I want to see how long it will take him to figure it out.”

“I won’t say anything, don’t worry.”

James nodded and then leaned back against the pillows again, turning his attention back to the movie. Sirius slept until about an hour later Lily came back and woke him up, because she opened the door to Remus’ room while still talking to Hope. She raised her eyebrows when she looked at Sirius’ face, but didn’t comment on it.

“I’m back,” she said instead. “And I brought cookies.” She sat down on the bed as well and brought out a tin box filled with various cookies. James and Remus grabbed some, but Sirius just sleepily leaned his head against Remus’ shoulder and yawned, rubbing his eyes. When he looked down in his hand and saw the black smudge on it, he frowned deeply and you could almost see the gears in his head starting to turn. It took him nearly a full minute until he angrily glared at James.

“What did you do to my face?”

“Nothing,” James said but in the same moment, Lily started laughing out loud.

“I swear to god, if you fucked with my eyebrows I will kill you,” Sirius muttered as he stomped to the bathroom to take a look at the damage.

“I’m not gonna take the blame for the eyebrows,” James said and looked at Remus.

The words had barely left his mouth when they heard Sirius groaning angrily and only seconds later he was out of the bathroom and lunged at James. Lily and Remus tried to separate them, but failed miserably because they both couldn’t stop laughing at the flood of insults leaving Sirius’ mouth.

“Get off me,” James grunted and tried to push Sirius away. “I didn’t touch your stupid eyebrows. That was Remus.”

Sirius’ body froze immediately and he turned his head glaring at Remus. “Tell me that’s not true.”

“Sorry,” Remus said, but failed to stop laughing.

Sirius growled and launched forward, grabbing Remus’ waist and starting to tickle him. Remus screeched, freeing himself from Sirius’ grip and running off. Sirius followed him and caught up in the living room. Remus laughed loudly when Sirius continued to tickle him and fell down on the couch, pulling Sirius’ with him. But when Sirius landed on top of him and his weight pushed down on Remus, all of a sudden, Remus lost grip of reality and panic spread through his body.

He couldn’t feel his body anymore, couldn’t grasp what was happening and the next thing he knew was that he found himself in the far back corner of the living room, his mother talking to him from a safe distance.

“Remus can you hear me?”

Remus nodded slowly, finally gaining control over his body again. “W–what happened?” he stuttered.

“You had a flashback,” she said softly, slowly stepping closer to him.

“I don’t remember it.” Remus took a big step forward, burying himself in his mother’s arms, only now realising that his whole body was shaking.

“It’s okay.” His mother rubbed his back. “You’re safe, okay?”

Remus nodded, but still held onto her tightly. “Don’t let go please.”

“Of course not. I’m always here.”

She held him tightly until he felt better again.

“Where’s Sirius?” he asked when he saw that the living room was deserted.

“He’s with Lily and James in the guest room.”

“I always ruin everything,” Remus sighed and lowered his head.

“You didn’t ruin anything.”

“I thought the flashbacks were over.” It had been so long since the last time anything this intense had happened.

“I know. But don’t beat yourself up over it, yeah? Why don’t you go do some of these breathing exercises your therapist showed you? You said they help you a lot.”

“I gotta make sure Sirius is okay,” Remus said, but his mother held him back.

“First you have to take care of _yourself_. Sirius is fine.”

“Alright,” Remus sighed.

“I love you, okay?”

“Love you too, Momma.”

Remus went back to his room to do the breathing exercises and of course his mother had been right. He knew they helped him, but sometimes it was just so much easier to take care of others than taking care of yourself.

But he did feel a lot better afterwards and was glad he’d listened to his mother. When he went to the guest room to see if the others were okay, Sirius looked up at him with widened eyes.

“Remus! Are you okay? I’m– I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to–”

“It’s okay,” Remus interrupted him and frowned worriedly when he saw scratch marks all over Sirius’ face and his neck.

“It’s fine,” Sirius waved off. “It was my own fault.”

“No, it wasn’t.” Remus shook his head. “It’s not your fault, okay?” Remus sat down on the edge of the bed next to Sirius. “I’m sorry you had to see this. I don’t… remember what happened but I know it can be scary.” He looked over at Lily and smiled half–heartedly. Unfortunately, she’d see him having flashbacks a lot of times and he knew how much it still scared her every time.

“We’re just glad you’re fine again,” James said when Sirius remained silent.

* * *

 

Sirius seemed pretty shook from what had happened today. Lily could see that he was beating himself up over it and that Remus in turn was beating himself up for making Sirius feel bad. She knew that neither of them was at fault, but they wouldn’t listen to her and James trying to clear things up. So the rest of the afternoon was pretty awful. Sirius was scared of getting too close to Remus because he thought Remus was afraid of him, but that made Remus think that Sirius didn’t want to be with him anymore. But again, since neither of them listened to Lily, there wasn’t much she could do.

Dinner was the most awkward time Lily had ever spent at Remus’ place. Everyone was affected by the tense mood – even Euphemia and Fleamont, who didn’t really know what was going on – but no one knew what to do about it, so they all just sat there and ate in a very uncomfortable silence.

After they finished eating, Remus went immediately on the balcony to smoke. Lily followed him.

“You alright?” she asked him.

Remus shrugged. “I guess.”

“You and Sirius really should talk about what happened today.”

“It’s obvious that he doesn’t want to talk to me.” Remus pressed his lips together.

“He’s just afraid of hurting you. It’s not that he doesn’t _want_ to. He just feels guilty.”

“And it’s my fault he feels like that. I always fuck everything up.”

“That’s not true. It’s not your fault either. If anyone’s, it’s the fault of those bastards who did this to you. But you and Sirius need to talk. Or do you really want to give up your relationship because of this?”

“Maybe that’s what he wants,” Remus said quietly and lowered his head.

“He doesn’t. Remus, you didn’t see him before. He was so worried about you. Believe me, Sirius loves you a lot and he wants you to feel safe and comfortable more than anything. And right now, he thinks that you don’t feel that way when you’re with him. That’s why he’s staying away from you.”

“Or maybe he’s just staying away from me because he realised what a fuck up I am.”

“I’m sorry but do you not realise what a load of bullshit you’re talking? Even if Sirius hadn’t told me, I’d know that what you’re saying is definitely _not_ the reason he’s staying away from you. Look at everything you two have been through together! Do you honestly think he’d have gone through so much with you if he didn’t love you? What more of a proof do you need? How many times has he told you? How many times has he _showed_ you? Look, I know you’re scared of getting hurt. I know you’re scared of getting rejected. But please don’t let your fear destroy this. As much as you are scared of getting hurt, Sirius is scared of _hurting you_. And right now, the two of you not talking to each other, all this does is making all this fear that both of you have worse. So for the love of god, just go in there and talk to him.”

Remus groaned and lowered his head on his forearms that leaned on the railing. “Do you always have to make these speeches?”

Lily just raised an eyebrows. “Did it work?”

Remus sighed. “Yes.”

“Then yeah, I do always have to make these speeches.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “I hate you.”

“Love you too,” Lily called after him as he went inside. Right as Remus left, James came outside on the balcony.

“What do you want?” Lily sighed exasperated.

“Why, I’m happy to see you too, sweetheart.”

Lily grimaced disgusted. “Don’t call me that.”

“Pooky bear?”

“Ew.”

“Cookie pops?”

“No.”

“Poopsy doodles?”

“That sounds like you’re asking a baby if it has to take a dump.” Lily snorted. “Those are awful. Stop.”

“I’m just trying to show my affection for you, cuddle chutney.”

“If you don’t stop showing your affection too, I’m gonna throw up.”

“You are _so_ mean.” James pouted theatrically.

“It’s because you don’t deserve it any other way.”

James grinned, but when he stepped forward and leaned in to kiss her, Lily stepped back.

“Don’t do that!” she hissed.

“Why not?”

“Someone could see us.”

“They all know.” James shrugged. “Where’s the problem?”

“I just don’t want to do this here.”

Part of Lily for some reason expected James to be angry at her for not kissing him, but he just nodded and said, “Okay.”

“Can I ask you something?” he said then.

“Sure.”

“You were talking to Remus before, right? Is he… angry at Sirius for what happened? Cause Sirius thinks he is.”

“Do _you_ think he is?”

James shrugged. “I dunno. I mean… I know Sirius didn’t do it on purpose, so I kinda think he shouldn’t be, but I also know that Remus went through something very traumatic, so maybe he is.”

“He’s not,” Lily said then.

“That’s good. Can I… ask what exactly happened to Remus before? I mean, it’s okay if he wouldn’t want me to know, but it was… kinda scary.”

James and Lily hadn’t seen the whole thing, by the time they’d walked in, Remus had been trying to fight Sirius, clawing at him, and his mother had already been in the room, trying to diffuse the situation. Lily had taken Sirius and James to the guest room and had tried to calm Sirius down, who’d felt horribly guilty and scared, but she hadn’t really explained the situation a whole lot. She’d seen Remus having flashbacks a lot of times, some of them much worse than what had happened today, but she also remembered how scared she had been the first time it had happened.

“It was a flashback,” she said then. “It hasn’t happened in a long time – not that I know of at least – but it used to happen a lot of him. Sometimes specific things trigger something and he loses sense of reality and sometimes even hallucinates.”

“Oh.” James lowered his head and frowned deeply. “That sounds… awful.”

“Yeah, it is.”

“I wish I could help him.”

“But you do.” Lily smiled lightly. “It’s good for him to have friends, y’know? Good friends, I mean. Not friends that give him drugs and shit.”

“Yeah, I guess. But still. It’s not fair that he had to go through so much. He deserves better.”

“Yeah.” Lily sighed and suddenly found herself leaning against James, his arm around her shoulders. James didn’t say anything and it actually felt really nice to have him here holding her.

~

Later that night, they watched a movie together with Sirius and Remus. Things between them seemed to be fine again, even though Lily didn’t miss how careful Sirius was around Remus. That wasn’t necessarily a bad thing though.

After the movie, they went to their rooms, because it was already really late.

“How did it actually go with your family today?” James asked Lily.

Lily shrugged. “It was okay, I guess,” she lied.

“Really?”

Lily sighed and didn’t answer at first. “It’s just… I don’t feel like I belong there anymore. And it’s just because of my sister. The only reason I’m not going home is because it’s easier there without me and knowing this just hurts, y’know?”

“I’m really sorry about that.” James opened his arms invitingly when Lily sat down on the bed and she smiled lightly and leaned against his chest. “Can I ask why your sister is so angry at you?”

“I don’t wanna talk about it right now,” Lily murmured and buried her face against his chest.

“Okay.” James rubbed her back and pressed a kiss on her head. “But you can always talk to me if you want to.”

“Thank you.”

“Anytime.”

**Author's Note:**

> Also as so often this fic is named after a song because I'm that uncreative.  
> In this case, Semi-Automatic by Twenty One Pilots


End file.
